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Why You Can't Turn Your Brain Off: The Truth About Overthinking & Nervous System Safety | Episode 10 · The Brain Dump

• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Braind with Sandy Boone.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Can we talk about overthinking for a second?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because I hear this all the time.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: I just can't turn my brain off.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: I keep replaying things.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm always thinking about what I said, what I should have said, what might happen next.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: And most people have landed on this conclusion.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just an overthinker.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's just who they are.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: But I want to challenge that because what if it's not actually overthinking?
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: What if your brain isn't doing too much?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: What if it's trying to do something very specific?
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: When people say they're overthinking, what they're usually describing is replaying conversations, anticipating outcomes, analyzing and reanalyzing decisions, and trying to figure out the right move.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: And it feels constant, like your brain just won't give you a break.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: But here's what matters.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain is not doing this randomly, it's doing it on purpose.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Overthinking isn't a flaw, it's a strategy, a really exhausting strategy, but a strategy nonetheless.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: And once you understand what that strategy is trying to do, you stop fighting yourself and start understanding yourself.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain is wired to do one primary thing, and that is to keep you safe.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: One of the ways it does that is by trying to predict and prevent problems.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: So when you're replaying a conversation, your brain is asking, did we mess that up?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Is there anything we need to fix?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: When you're overanalyzing a decision, it's asking, what's the safest outcome here?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: When you're running through every possible scenario, it's trying to make sure that nothing catches you off guard.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's not dysfunction, that's protection.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it's exhausting.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: This gets even louder if you're someone who cares deeply, wants to get it right, doesn't want to hurt people, or if you're in a role where people rely on you, because now it's not just about you.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's about, did I handle that well?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Did I miss something?
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Are they okay because of me?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: And your brain goes, This matters, stay on it.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're a therapist, you already know this one hits.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: So the problem isn't that you're thinking too much.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is your brain doesn't feel safe enough to stop.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: This pattern didn't come out of nowhere.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Most of the time, this pattern develops in environments where getting it right really mattered.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Mistakes had consequences, people's reactions were completely unpredictable, or you had to read the room to stay okay.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: So your brain adapted.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: This is a survival skill.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: It learned we need to stay ahead of things.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: We need to monitor closely.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: We need to think this through before anything goes wrong.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that adaptation was smart.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: It worked.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And it was probably incredibly helpful at some point.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's the part that most people don't realize this pattern gets enforced every time you overthink and then avoid a mistake, say the right thing, prevent conflict, feel even a little bit of relief.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain logs that as this worked, let's do it again.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: So now it doubles down, even when it's too much, even when it's unnecessary, and even when nothing is actually wrong anymore.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: So now you're stuck in this loop.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Uncertainty equates to scanning, analyzing, temporary relief, reinforcement.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And now your brain's like, we are not turning this off.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is how we stay safe.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: You are not overthinking, you're over-monitoring.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Let me show you exactly how this plays out.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: I was talking with someone recently, very self-aware, very thoughtful, very conscientious.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: She told me, I had a conversation with a friend, and afterward I couldn't stop thinking about it.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: She replayed it.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: What she said, their tone, the pause before they responded, and then her brain went, Did I come across wrong?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Did I say too much?
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: Should I text and clarify?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: And nothing actually went wrong.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: There was no conflict, no obvious issue, but her system didn't know that.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Her system was saying, scan this, make sure we didn't mess something up.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: So she kept going, replaying, analyzing, trying to land on certainty.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the trap.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: She wasn't trying to solve a problem.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: She was trying to eliminate uncertainty.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: And your brain hates uncertainty.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Overthinking isn't about solving.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's about trying to feel certain.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where it really starts to impact your life in relationships.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because over-monitoring doesn't stay internal.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: It changes how you show up.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: It can look like rereading text multiple times, analyzing tone shifts, needing reassurance, replaying conversations afterwards, hesitating to say what you really think, over-explaining to control perception, or even shaping yourself to avoid misinterpretation, managing how you're received in real time.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: And underneath all of that is one core question am I okay here?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the hard truth.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: When you're over-monitoring in relationships, you're not actually in the relationship.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: You're managing it from your head instead of experiencing it.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not because you're doing something wrong.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's because your system doesn't fully trust that it's safe to just be.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: So telling yourself it's fine, stop thinking about it doesn't land because how often have you been told not to do something and it's all that you can do?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't a logic problem.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's a safety problem.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: And your nervous system responds to experience, not arguments.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: So what actually helps?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: One, stop trying to shut it off.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: You're not going to win that fight.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: You are literally wired for this.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Name it in real time.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: My brain is trying to keep me safe right now.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Third, interrupt the loop physically.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Move your body, change your state.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: This can look like a walk.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: This can look like stretching.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: This can look like just changing position from one room to another.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Fourth, lower the perceived stakes.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Is this dangerous or is it just uncomfortable?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Uncomfortable doesn't kill us.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Dangerous does.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Fifth, let things be unresolved.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: This is how you retrain your system.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Again, this would be wildly uncomfortable, but your system learns everything doesn't have to have a solution.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Number six, come back to what's actually happened, not the imagined version that you've created in your head.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Look for instances where there's a possibility that your interpretation is wrong.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Seven, practice being in the relationship, not managing it.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Let yourself fully experience instead of monitor.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Show up as you really are, authentically you.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have a broken brain.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: You have a brain that learned to protect you really well.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: It just hasn't learned yet that it doesn't have to work this hard anymore.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: So if you've been calling yourself an overthinker, I want you to consider this.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe your brain isn't doing too much.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's been trying to take care of you the only way it knows how.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: And now that's a well old machine.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're ready to actually shift this, not just understand it, this is the work that I do.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Helping people regulate their nervous system so their brain doesn't have to work overtime to keep them safe.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to keep living in your head.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Visit sandyboon.com to learn more.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.