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Orgasms and Pregnancy with Jessica Preston · Libido Lounge

• 0:00
  Welcome to the libido lounge where we focus on all things love, lust, and libido.
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  We believe that fabulous sex is important to health as exercise and good food.
• 0:11
  Hey, everybody.
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  Welcome back to another episode on the libido lounge.
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  I'm your host, libido expert, Doctor.
• 0:18
  Diane Mueller, and we have a juicy episode for you guys today.
• 0:23
  We are talking about the libido and fertility, And you might be wondering initially what these
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  things have in common, but they actually have a lot in common because, of course, fertility
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  issues can be stressful.
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  And one of the best ways to manage stress is through your libido.
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  So we're gonna talk about libido fertility, what you can do, how these things are related,
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  and more.
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  With our guest today, I'm so excited to introduce you to founder of De Novo Fertility,
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  our guest Jessica Preston.
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  Welcome to the show.
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  Thank you so much for having me.
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  I'm so happy to be here.
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  Yeah.
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  It's great to have you.
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  And let's let's start.
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  I wanna start our discussion.
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  We're gonna we talked offline about making this GC, so we'll get into all those good questions
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  here in a moment.
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  But let's just start initially with, you know, what is can what are the stats and what are the
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  how often is this a problem where we're trying to get pregnant?
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  We have, you know, for you know, challenges and, you know, fertility issues.
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  Like, where does the the decreased libido and how frequently does decreased libido come up as
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  a challenge with fertility and pregnancy?
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  Yeah.
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  It's very common.
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  It's more common than not.
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  And so the way that I usually put this is trying is fun for one month, and then trying
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  becomes trying.
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  And in one month, we think, okay.
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  It's fun.
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  We're gonna have have sex how much we want, and then all of a sudden we expect this quickly.
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  And then if it doesn't happen, there's that little nagging part in our mind that says, oh,
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  no.
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  What's going on?
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  And that ends up doing a number on us on a subconscious level.
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  And so it's not just for women.
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  It's for men.
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  And a lot of this actually impacts men a lot of the time more so than women.
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  So do
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  you feel then that there's a level where it's like, okay.
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  We reached that month mark.
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  It was, like, super fun, and now it's stressful, where it actually then leads into, I
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  gotta say, a subsequent low libido and even, like, performance issue then that is then
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  contributing to fertility or infertility?
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  Yes.
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  Absolutely.
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  So a lot of this is on demand.
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  So instead of being, having sex when you want to, being spontaneous, you're in this spot
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  where we have to have sex on, wait, honey, I'm ovulating, so we need to have sex every other
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  day for these days around the time of ovulation, or my kit says today is the day.
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  Let's go, but you're working late, and I'm tired.
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  And and so we end up in these positions where we are trying to schedule sex, and it isn't
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  anymore for pleasure, although orgasm has to occur at least for the man in order for for us
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  to conceive.
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  And so there's a lot of pressure, especially on men for performance.
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  So, you know, I have to perform, have to finish, and that actually becomes an issue for
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  a lot of men also in a lot of the groups out there with men and women or the women's support
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  groups.
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  We see women saying, does it count if he didn't finish that we count it as a day that we
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  actually tried to conceive, and that day does not actually count.
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  And so that also is very emasculating, and that emasculation of of men is really doing a number
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  when it comes to fertility and libido.
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  Yeah.
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  And I see that, right, because there's so much that we have as humans in general, but also,
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  you know, also, I think we can, you know, you know, genderize it as well around being able to
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  provide certain things for our partners, for our relationships, for our family, and that is
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  from, I think, from a masculine standpoint, that huge component is, like, I wanna provide
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  this.
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  I wanna provide this for my partner.
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  I wanna provide this for my, like, my future family.
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  And there can be so much wrapped up in there.
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  So the the image that I'm actually getting in my brain right now as you're talking is, like,
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  I feel like that classic movie or TV show, image when couples are trying, and it's, like,
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  so stressful.
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  And then finally, we get orgasm, and then women immediately sticks her legs up in the air and,
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  like, you know, all of that, like, that type of classic, image of what to do.
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  Obviously, there's a lot better ways of handling this, and, obviously, there's a lot
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  better ways of going about this from a low, you know, a low in or infertility standpoint and a
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  subsequent vicious cycle that we get into with this.
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  So how do we get out of this cycle?
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  Right?
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  How do we get out of the, the cycle when it's like, okay, you know, performance anxiety,
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  emasculation, like all of a sudden that trickles into low libido and that trickles into
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  worsening the fertility?
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  What do we do about getting and breaking out of that cycle?
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  Yeah.
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  First, I think what we need to do is make sure we have clear communication, and that is so
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  hard.
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  It's it's harder than we think.
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  It's and it's the the elephant in the room.
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  We need to be able to communicate well about our fears, our concerns.
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  What if this doesn't happen?
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  We have this on both sides.
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  Both both partners can feel like, are you going to stay with me?
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  Are you still going to love me?
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  There's a lot of shame and guilt in this.
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  So when we have that on both sides, and this is the person we're supposed to share our deepest
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  parts of ourselves with, but it's also the person we have the most at stake with.
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  So when it's the person we have the most at stake with, we tend to either in attachment
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  style wise, we either, you you know, we we retreat a little bit in our avoidant selves or
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  we attack in our anxious selves, and that causes more of a of a discordance.
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  With that being said, the communication is really key.
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  So we really, really recommend that you find that way to connect.
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  And so we'll start diving into that juicy right now.
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  One thing that we start with is we start with eye gazing.
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  We start with intro to tantra.
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  We start with things that don't require words for communication.
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  It can be a little bit uncomfortable.
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  But especially when we're a little hairy and we're not exactly sure what we wanna do or how
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  we can be with our partner, that is a place to start.
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  And if it can lead to even the understanding of, oh, this is really hard.
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  I can't look you in the eye for more than thirty seconds.
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  I feel like you're seeing all of my all of my shame pieces or, you know, a blemish on my face
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  or whatever it may be, or you find depth in eye gazing or you find laughter in eye gazing.
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  So this is actually starting you know, this is in the tantra space when you start really in
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  that connection of your internal selves with each other.
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  This helps a lot with communication.
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  So, really, communication is key, in any kind of introductory tantra, any kind of intimacy
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  space, and holding each other, having that where there isn't an expectation of sex along
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  with it so that that can be part of our connection, our oxytocin release, which can
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  also help our fertility hormones and our sense of security and connection.
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  So all of those that's where I would start.
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  Because sometimes we can't find the words if we're just going to be battling each other.
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  So if we find we can find the words that's helpful, we're a big fan of nonviolent
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  communication, Marshall Rosenberg's work, you know, Imago dialogue, how I feel is my
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  responsibility, but I would like to share that with you as you are the person who loves me
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  dearly, and you're my number one fan and as I am yours.
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  So those are really important ways with communication to start.
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  I think that's a big start.
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  Yeah.
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  There's a lot you said in there that we could probably have a whole, you know, whole episode,
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  a whole couple hour episode just on, you know, those types of, of conversations.
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  Right.
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  And I, I love those, those topics as well.
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  You know, Marshall Rosenberg and using feeling words and feeling words are not things like you
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  made me feel.
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  Right.
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  That's how we use feeling words.
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  Those aren't feeling words.
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  So in getting lists, I think, on those things can be super useful.
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  So okay.
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  So somebody starts with eye gazing and looking in deep in this tantra, and we have all this
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  stuff going on.
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  So what you're saying, just so I'm understanding to our listeners is that
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  oftentimes when we start with the eye gazing, then we have this like already this heart
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  opening depths of connection that is almost then say, allowing, like, the nervous system to
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  calm and a safety feeling to settle in so that then from there, we can go into, say,
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  nonviolent communication, feeling words, the I state, all these different things.
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  Is that is that correct?
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  That is exactly right.
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  That's why we start with the nonverbal, and then we can move into the verbal when our
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  nervous systems are are more settled in place.
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  And it allows us to not feel the anxiety of time pressure as much.
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  So when we then end up in a position, if we have a month and well, when we have a month, if
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  there's a point where someone where one partner says, I can't do this.
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  Don't touch me.
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  Don't.
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  You just take a month off.
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  But when you are regulated and your nervous system is more safe, then taking a month off is
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  preservation of the whole family unit.
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  It's not just about trying to have a baby.
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  So then you can try again the next month.
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  And it is very important to know that that is an okay thing, and that can actually help you
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  with your sex drive and feeling honored and secure and safe with your partner.
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  You're taking your like, leading me so perfectly into where I was thinking we should
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  go next.
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  So which is, like, one of the things I talk a lot about in sexuality and libido work is the
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  concept of really deeply understanding things like your own needs, wants, preferences,
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  desires, and turnoffs and understanding our own.
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  So then we can eventually then better communicate that to our partner and understand
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  our partner's needs wants desires, preferences, turnoffs.
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  Right?
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  So my question for you then, and I think I know the answer based upon what you just said, but I
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  think we should go a little deeper is from that standpoint, how do you feel like then when we
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  get into communication and we are speaking in these loving and safe ways, how in in terms of
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  of fertility and in working through this, how important do you think it is in really
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  understanding our own, you know, needs, wants, preferences, desires, and turn ons and turn
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  offs?
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  Do you think that that comes into play
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  when it comes to fertility?
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  Absolutely imperative.
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  Yeah.
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  Absolutely.
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  Also, because where are we gonna find our fun otherwise?
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  So let's please know ourselves, program about kinks and fetishes and definitions and making
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  it very safe so that people the the tabooness of a lot of these words or the thought of
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  anything outside of missionary position is so challenging for some.
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  So we make it so much easier and attainable for you to be able to have that thought process
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  within yourself.
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  And then share that with your partner.
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  A lot of partners, whether you're having trouble conceiving or not, are not aware of
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  what their partner's true needs and desires are.
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  So there are a lot of ways to do that.
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  We yes.
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  We could have a a ton of episodes just on that alone because we talk about that.
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  We have our 10 steps 10 steps of safety and things that how can we explore within ourselves
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  and our partner what they want and how can we please ourselves and please them?
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  And where is there a no, but we're not passing any judgment?
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  Everything that you have as a desire is absolutely normal because it's yours, and
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  there's no shame in that.
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  So sharing that space is great and finding new toys or or a new dress up or new fetish or
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  kink.
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  And the the only there are two things actually that I would love to add in this.
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  One is in the world of play, which isn't always about sex, we wanna make sure when you're
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  trying to have a baby that you're still having sex at the end of that for ejaculation to occur
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  where it's supposed to for trying to get pregnant.
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  And so I would love nothing more than for people to forget that while they're trying and
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  then say, oops.
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  Wait.
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  Hold on.
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  Wait.
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  Wait.
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  Real quick.
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  You know?
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  So while they're enjoying themselves and enjoying their relationship and enjoying their
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  pleasure, to be able to find that space of, you know, don't forget, honey.
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  This is where it's supposed to go at the end, you know, and go from there.
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  The other is we are, we work in the area.
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  We're working with someone now about teaching a class in our program about, multiple orgasms
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  for men and how lovely that is in the space of trying to conceive.
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  Because it doesn't have to be a quickie in ten minutes on your lunch break because we're it's
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  odd we're ovulating tomorrow.
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  It can actually be, let's have a beautiful two hour lovemaking session tonight.
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  You know, we're gonna have dinner.
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  There's gonna be, you know, candlelight, and then we have no other plans, and we're turning
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  off our phones, and this is what we're going to do.
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  And nothing is better than that.
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  So it sounds a little bit counterintuitive to people trying, or we can introduce the world of
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  play and fun and romance and multiple orgasms for both partners into this space and truly let
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  trying become enjoyable.
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  I love that.
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  And you're leading me again into where I wanted to go.
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  So this is so good.
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  So, you know, the concept of orgasm, I think, is it's another area that's so complicated,
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  especially for women.
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  Right?
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  And, you know, I think the idea of multiple orgasms for men and edging and all these
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  different concepts can be helpful for women.
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  But, you know, some people will talk in, in the fertility space that I've seen about like, oh,
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  the advantageousness of women having an orgasm at that time of conception as well.
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  You know, there's also even people that are talk talking about, you know, orgasmic
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  childbirth, right, where you can actually have orgasms as you deliver and release all those
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  yummy chemicals, which is really intimidating for women when they have such a hard time.
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  And some women, you know, that are are are an orgasmic at or other women having such a hard
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  time reaching orgasm, which is, I think, a really important thing to talk about.
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  So, you know, if if women are listening to this and they're like, what about me and I can't
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  reach orgasm or it's really hard for me to reach orgasm or are those things that you tend
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  to work with when it comes to fertility?
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  We do.
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  Absolutely.
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  But first, let's just take care of that myth right now.
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  You don't actually a woman does not have to have an orgasm to conceive.
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  It is not sucking sperm up.
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  There was old data that was it wasn't data even.
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  I I've read this because when we were trying to myth bust everything, I'm like, let's find
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  let's find every little bit.
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  No.
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  Absolutely not.
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  You do not need to have a woman does not need to have an orgasm in order to conceive.
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  So let's take that weight off of us, shall we?
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  Because there's no reason to add more weight on.
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  We have enough.
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  So let's just go with then if you and let's let's just talk about while trying, that I
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  think the the orgasmic birth is such an we actually have a a coach who in our program who
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  teaches orgasmic birth.
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  Yeah.
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  Yay.
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  Somebody went to choose this.
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  But that's probably more home birth, probably not hospital birth.
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  And there's so many nuances to your mental state when it comes to that, so we'll put that
• 15:03
  aside.
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  But when it comes to even just trying to conceive pleasure is really important, just
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  feeling good and making sure that you are in.
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  Because when we're not experiencing pleasure, that also does a number on us no matter what.
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  So we have our conscious mind, and then we have our subconscious mind, and we are talking a lot
• 15:18
  about nervous system safety, surrender, feeling like we can allow our partner to everything
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  with us that we love and they love so that we can nurture in this loving space.
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  And so I think that it's really important to know pleasure is important.
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  Orgasm is not mandatory.
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  And for an orgasmic women, there are so many different tools we can use whether you're
• 15:41
  trying to conceive or not to try to get you to that space, but I think a big piece is
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  understanding there's no shame in that.
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  Find pleasure even in love.
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  I mean, we're women.
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  Women tend to find a lot more in that whole touch, love, caress, nurturing space.
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  So where can you embrace love and what that means for you and your partner?
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  How is that connection for you?
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  And I think that's really important.
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  Everybody's their own individual, and our own personal definition is all we need.
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  Yeah.
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  I totally I couldn't agree more, and I really appreciate intimacy expert Susan Bratton.
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  One of the things she says is, as women, one of the gifts we have is is we're really good at
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  multitasking.
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  And what that also means is that you bring that into pleasure.
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  Like multitasking is a lot of bad rep.
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  And there's a lot of things that are problematic from a present moment and
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  relaxation standpoint, right.
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  With multitasking.
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  But if you bring that into pleasure and realize that we have the capacity as women that like to
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  experience so many different erogenous zones and so many different parts of pleasure at the
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  same time, that is a great use of multitasking, right?
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  It's so good, and we can experience pleasure, like you said, without orgasm.
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  So I'm glad to have that conversation.
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  What else do you feel like from a fertility standpoint is, like, are there any other basic,
• 16:58
  you know, we gotta say this, we gotta say these things because they're so rooted in the basics
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  that that we can't leave them out?
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  Yeah.
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  I think it's just actually, the most important things that I wanted to make sure that we said
• 17:08
  today is that if you need to skip a month, please skip skip a month.
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  And it's it's heartbreaking, and our heart sinks in our stomach.
• 17:14
  If anyone is listening to this and they think, oh, I don't wanna skip a month.
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  But skipping a month is beautiful in a lot of ways.
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  You don't have the two weeks of waiting and anxiety.
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  You have a whole month off so that you can kind of reset and spend that time with a date night
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  at least once per once per week, making sure that you have connectivity.
• 17:31
  Gottman Institute talks about bidding, you know, positive bidding for each other and
• 17:35
  really getting connected in in that space.
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  And so I just think that it's so important to remember that our connection as partners is so
• 17:43
  important.
• 17:44
  Intimacy is great, but eroticism is also important.
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  So intimacy and knowing each other incredibly well is great, but then we can lose that erotic
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  edge.
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  So make sure we bring in some of that erotic, dressing up or, being sassy or calling him
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  daddy or whatever it is that you wanna do that is going to actually help enhance everything
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  for him because we know when we see him go, oh, yeah.
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  And he sees you see that in him, it's it's it is ego, but it's one of those parts.
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  It's like the I did that for my partner, and he sees pleasure on you in you.
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  And that way, you can keep that balancing act.
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  But understand when those days come, when it's the whole, okay.
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  It's tonight or it's gonna be tomorrow.
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  You need to find ways potentially to switch it up.
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  And sometimes that means a little less communication because of that erotic space.
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  You know, a little bit of surprising, a little bit of maybe not sharing that tomorrow is the
• 18:33
  day that you're going to have sex and just get it all set up.
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  He might know in the back of his mind, but just get the stage set, and everything should happen
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  just fine for you.
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  Yeah.
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  I love it.
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  I love it.
• 18:43
  There's so many things that you say that I talk about in my work too, and I just you know, I
• 18:47
  don't my specialty is not fertility.
• 18:49
  It's libido.
• 18:50
  So it's really enjoyable to s to hear these topics applied to the fertility space.
• 18:56
  I talk a lot about, like, the concept of novelty and monogamy, which is essentially
• 19:00
  exactly what you're saying.
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  Like, how do we find ways in these long term partners where we go through the day to day?
• 19:07
  How do we find that way to keep it, like, spicy and sexy and bring some passion and have that
• 19:11
  desire in everything you're talking about?
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  So so amazing to bring that into the fertility space.
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  And But,
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  you know, what they need to know also is you're trying realize after you get pregnant and have
• 19:24
  a baby, you're still gonna have to be cremated.
• 19:27
  Yeah.
• 19:27
  So this is practice this is practice for parenthood.
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  You know?
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  This this is practice of, okay.
• 19:33
  When are we putting the baby down?
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  I'm exhausted.
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  You're exhausted.
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  What's our timing on this?
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  You know, lock the door.
• 19:37
  You know?
• 19:38
  Where are we gonna sneak this in?
• 19:39
  So so trying in this we're just building this in our relationship and practice all around
• 19:45
  before we have that baby so that we can still keep using those same skill sets after the baby
• 19:51
  is here.
• 19:52
  Yeah.
• 19:52
  Exactly right.
• 19:53
  That's such a good point.
• 19:55
  Well, thank you so much for being with us.
• 19:57
  It was such a great conversation.
• 19:59
  I wanna make sure we everybody knows how to get ahold of you.
• 20:02
  I know we talked offline about lots of different ways to work together, really, really
• 20:08
  deep dives of, like, putting all of these pieces together that you guys do at De Novo
• 20:13
  around this entire infertility picture and supporting on so many different levels.
• 20:17
  And then I also know that you have, like, an intro package that we want it to be very
• 20:21
  careful how people understand what that intro package is and that we have a discount for
• 20:27
  them.
• 20:27
  So can you tell us a little bit about that as well?
• 20:29
  Yeah.
• 20:30
  So we are a full team of coaches.
• 20:33
  We have male coaches and female coaches, and we have an entire program that does exactly this.
• 20:37
  We focus on relationships and autonomic nervous system balance.
• 20:40
  We talk about fertility and help with fertility on a conscious, subconscious, and unconscious
• 20:47
  level.
• 20:48
  So we do biofeedback and hypnotherapy because we need to break down those baby blocks.
• 20:52
  We have a full service program that is coaching with also supplements included.
• 20:57
  So it is a large program.
• 20:59
  It's twelve weeks long.
• 21:01
  And so that is where we get really into this space of teaching imago dialogue and nonviolent
• 21:06
  communication.
• 21:07
  So, you can sign up for a call with one of us.
• 21:10
  You'll get one of us, one of our coaches if you go to de novo fertility, online,
• 21:14
  denovofertility.com.
• 21:16
  And that way, you could speak with one of us about our programs and what might be what might
• 21:20
  work for you.
• 21:21
  Our intro program is a five weeks baby basics, and this is basically when you go and you say,
• 21:26
  I just got married or we're thinking about having a baby.
• 21:29
  What can I do to optimize my health?
• 21:32
  And so it's a wellness five weeks where basically you get our entire optimized
• 21:36
  nutrition plan.
• 21:37
  You get our all of our, programs, all of our videos about how you should exercise, sleep,
• 21:43
  breathe, your stress management, and one week on relationships, and that you can do through
• 21:47
  our app on your phone.
• 21:48
  And so that is normally $397.
• 21:51
  We are giving you and your, your people $300 off, so it will be only $97.
• 21:56
  We are cautious about this.
• 21:58
  It is an intro program.
• 22:00
  Our our larger program with our whole team where we're looking at your conscious and
• 22:03
  subconscious levels, That is if you've been trying, if you've considered IVF or you've done
• 22:09
  IVF or you're finding that you want something a little more natural and you're really having
• 22:13
  more of a stress load in your infertility space, that's really where that is for.
• 22:17
  If that is you, baby basics, I don't think is quite enough for you, but please call us, and
• 22:22
  we are happy to discuss all of our options with you.
• 22:25
  And we'll have that for everybody.
• 22:27
  All of that information and the discount code, everybody, will be in the show notes from
• 22:30
  today.
• 22:31
  So I just wanna thank you again.
• 22:32
  This was I I loved meeting you, and I really adore this conversation.
• 22:36
  So it's nice to continue the convo from when you and I met over the past year, and and I
• 22:42
  really am excited about everything you guys are doing over there.
• 22:44
  So thanks so much for spending time with me today.
• 22:47
  Thank you again so much for having me.
• 22:49
  It was my pleasure.
• 22:50
  And, everybody, just to say goodbye to you guys for another episode on the lounge.
• 22:56
  Remember to check out the show notes.
• 22:58
  Remember, you can always find me by taking my libido quiz at libidoquiz.com.
• 23:03
  And this is doctor Diane, your libido doc, signing off here reminding you to always stay
• 23:08
  classy, always stay sexy, and always be a little badassy.
• 23:12
  We'll see you next time.
• 23:14
  Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
• 23:16
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 23:17
  Please share this with your friends.
• 23:19
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.