Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 264. The mother wound, abandonment and an apology that feels like a cop-out: Will I ever feel whole?

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264. The mother wound, abandonment and an apology that feels like a cop-out: Will I ever feel whole? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

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Speaker 1: Apologiae production an easier advice. Are you okay? What happened?
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Speaker 2: Promise it won't be too much?
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Speaker 1: Bring it in.
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Speaker 2: Welcome to our bestie segment, Girl, this.
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Speaker 1: Is the place for you. Hello everybody, Welcome back to
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Speaker 1: the she Rices podcast Will We Are in Your Ears?
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Speaker 1: Twice a week. Monday is a guest episode or an
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Speaker 1: episode with Tiana and I teaching, learning something that we
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Speaker 1: want to share, something fun, exciting, or a pretty rogue.
0:38
Speaker 1: It's a bit of this soud and everything. But Wednesday
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Speaker 1: is our besty episode which you guys have some bit
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Speaker 1: of a sticky situation or something that you would like
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Speaker 1: outside perspective, outside advice, and that's what we're going to
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Speaker 1: do here today. So this is advice that we would
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Speaker 1: give each other if we were in your situation. So, Tiana,
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Speaker 1: what have we got today?
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Speaker 2: This podcast episode name is the Mother Wound? Abandonment and
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Speaker 2: an apology that feels like a cop out? Will I
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Speaker 2: ever feel whole? Get ready to get your popcorn out,
1:02
Speaker 2: ladies and men Healing the Mother Wound? Hi, ladies, this
1:07
Speaker 2: one's a bit long, but I know how much he
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Speaker 2: loved context. I'm twenty six, happily married and finally starting
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Speaker 2: to feel at peace. It's been a lot to even
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Speaker 2: get to this point now where I've got the ability
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Speaker 2: to ninety percent of the time regulate myself and have
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Speaker 2: boundaries and be in a healthy mindset. But I truly
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Speaker 2: just need the advice on if you can ever truly
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Speaker 2: have closure in healing for a mother wound when they
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Speaker 2: aren't able to fully understand, take on and change their behavior.
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Speaker 2: I've had a lot of trauma and painful memories from
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Speaker 2: the past fourteen years. I truly think that the beginning
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Speaker 2: crisis point was at age twelve when I lost my dad.
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Speaker 2: He was my stepdad but from three years old, and
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Speaker 2: I never had a relationship with my biological dad. My
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Speaker 2: mom was seeing somebody around the same time he passed
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Speaker 2: from a year long battle with cancer. She completely checked
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Speaker 2: out physically and mentally, and as a mother, I felt
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Speaker 2: completely stripped of my childhood and teenage years. Because of this,
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Speaker 2: I had two as an older sister step up raise
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Speaker 2: myself and my two sisters. She bounced from toxic relationship
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Speaker 2: back and forth partners that physically attempted to hurt me,
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Speaker 2: verbally abuse me, etc. Our relationship was non existent and
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Speaker 2: I truly hated her for what she did. When I
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Speaker 2: turned eighteen, I became an adult myself and started to
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Speaker 2: become a ball of rage. I decided, well, now I
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Speaker 2: really am an adult too, so you can be met
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Speaker 2: with all of my pain. I dealt with so much pain,
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Speaker 2: so much grief, hurt, and abandonment. I felt worthless to her.
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Speaker 2: She never made me feel confident, and I battled it,
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Speaker 2: an eating disorder and so much more. Now, a few
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Speaker 2: moles on my partner and my best friend have been
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Speaker 2: my biggest blessings in helping my mindset, being able to
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Speaker 2: step back and cut out cycles of behavior. Now here
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Speaker 2: is where I really am stuck. I did therapy around
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Speaker 2: twenty one two, and the biggest thing that's stuck was
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Speaker 2: being asked if I truly could accept her for who
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Speaker 2: she is. And I know I may never get that closure.
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Speaker 2: She now has become Christian and is all things God
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Speaker 2: and religion, and around Christmas had a dinner with me
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Speaker 2: to apologize and to take accountability. She cried and said
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Speaker 2: that she wanted to have a better relationship. I haven't
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Speaker 2: felt this or seen this done. It felt like a
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Speaker 2: way for her to clean her own conscious or in
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Speaker 2: her story, and that was all. I don't get my
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Speaker 2: hopes up with her anymore, and I know that her
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Speaker 2: words are not really powerful or holding meaning, because if
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Speaker 2: they did, she would change. Right. Can I ever fully
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Speaker 2: feel healed? Any tips and any advice are welcome.
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Speaker 1: Interesting. Firstly, it doesn't acknowledge what you've been through. You've
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Speaker 1: been through a lot as a little girl, as a teenager,
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Speaker 1: as an adult. It's a lot to process when you
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Speaker 1: go through things with your parents and losing someone, and
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Speaker 1: you know the unmet expectation of how you thought your
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Speaker 1: mum would be to you. That in itself is just
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Speaker 1: hard and I just want to send you lots of
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Speaker 1: love on that. Second of all, it's just the end
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Speaker 1: part when you were first reading out that she wanted
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Speaker 1: to have a dinner and apologized. I hear that she
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Speaker 1: is changing, that she is taking accountability, and she is
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Speaker 1: wanting to do better for you. But I also can
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Speaker 1: understand why you might not fully trust and believe that
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Speaker 1: because you haven't had a lot of trust and belief
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Speaker 1: in her and your relationship dynamics. So it's understandable you
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Speaker 1: would want to put a wall up and go, oh,
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Speaker 1: hang on a second, I don't know if I can
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Speaker 1: fully trust this. But from an outside of reading that,
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Speaker 1: I'm like, this is how she's trying to repair and
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Speaker 1: she can't take back what she's done. All she can
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Speaker 1: do now is try to apologize, take accountability. And you know,
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Speaker 1: I'm not super religious, but you know, turning to God, universe, angels,
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Speaker 1: spirit that sometimes does give people a different perspective and
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Speaker 1: guides them, guides them on a new path. And by
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Speaker 1: the sounds that she's trying to do that, which I
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Speaker 1: think is really beautiful. And I've had symbolar with my mum,
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Speaker 1: and you know, we had to do a lot of
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Speaker 1: healing and there was times I didn't speak to my
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Speaker 1: mom and we had still to this day, we still
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Speaker 1: talk about the relationship dynamic with my stepdad and what
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Speaker 1: I went through and what my brothers went through and
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Speaker 1: what my mom went through. And there's been a lot
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Speaker 1: of hard conversations where my mom's had to hold what
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Speaker 1: I went through and my experience that she didn't necessarily
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Speaker 1: see with her own eyes. Yeah, so she didn't know
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Speaker 1: what was happening when she wasn't around. There's been a
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Speaker 1: lot of forgiveness and compassion on both sides because I
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Speaker 1: didn't know what she was going through. I didn't know
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Speaker 1: what she was holding. I didn't know the level of
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Speaker 1: abuse she was copying. I didn't know how scared she
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Speaker 1: was as a teenager. I didn't know the level of
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Speaker 1: stress it was on her shoulders. And because she wasn't
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Speaker 1: around for what happened to me, she didn't know any
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Speaker 1: of that. So it's like both of you had your
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Speaker 1: experience and I'm not gon don't any of her behavior. But
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Speaker 1: she also is someone living the life for the first
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Speaker 1: time and had her own stuff to carry. And I
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Speaker 1: just think if she's made that effort to have a
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Speaker 1: dinner with you, to apologize, take accountability, and you know
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Speaker 1: she has turned to God for some guidance, I think
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Speaker 1: that's a really good start. And this stuff does not
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Speaker 1: get healed overnight. It is years of work forgiveness, patience,
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Speaker 1: compassion to yourself, to her, and not putting any pressure
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Speaker 1: on when this is quite unquote going to be fixed
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Speaker 1: or be better. Healing is not linear. I doesn't finish.
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Speaker 1: It's a journey that you choose to go on. But
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Speaker 1: if you do, you need to open up your heart
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Speaker 1: and let some walls down and try to let her hear.
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Speaker 1: If that's what you want to do, it's also your choice.
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Speaker 2: Correct me if I'm wrong. I could be wrong, but
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Speaker 2: a part of you is feeling like if she now
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Speaker 2: turns to God and she's like a quote unquote change woman,
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Speaker 2: it means that all of your hurt was for nothing.
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Speaker 2: But that's not true. No, that's not true. And I
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Speaker 2: think this is also that like she can have her
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Speaker 2: change and she can be making changes and still you
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Speaker 2: can still understand that you're not over it yet. Yeah.
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Speaker 2: I think this is about managing expectations as well, that
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Speaker 2: just because she's made this change doesn't mean automatically you're
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Speaker 2: going to be healed and you're going to have a
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Speaker 2: beautiful daughter mother relationship and all of a sudden you're
6:12
Speaker 2: going to skip down the road and got in nails done. Like,
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Speaker 2: I think this is a managing expectations, Like it's okay
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Speaker 2: that you feel still angry, that you feel frustrated, that
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Speaker 2: you're grieving the little girl that you didn't get to
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Speaker 2: be because you had to grow up too fast and
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Speaker 2: you had to parent not only yourself but also your siblings.
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Speaker 2: It's clear to me and your mom, I imagine now
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Speaker 2: in your everyday life, like you crave to just be
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Speaker 2: a kid, You crave to have fun, you crave to
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Speaker 2: be silly, but you can't and you don't know how
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Speaker 2: to do that yet because you're still carrying all of
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Speaker 2: this grief and the weight of the world of having
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Speaker 2: somebody who was abusive towards you come in and out
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Speaker 2: of your life, and like your mom not being there
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Speaker 2: for you. So what I hear from this and the
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Speaker 2: fact that your mom is going to church and has
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Speaker 2: sat down, had a dinner with you, taken accountability. To me,
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Speaker 2: that is change, because I believe that when somebody is
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Speaker 2: talking about something doesn't really mean much, but changed by
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Speaker 2: behavior is everything. And I believe, and you can disagree
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Speaker 2: and have a different opinion on this, but from an
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Speaker 2: outsider looking in her going to God and like looking
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Speaker 2: towards a faith something bigger than herself, means that she's
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Speaker 2: looking for guidance and to do better, to be a
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Speaker 2: better person. And totally hear you on it feeling like
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Speaker 2: nothing has changed or nothing has happened. But also I
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Speaker 2: don't think she's going to be a different person overnight.
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Speaker 2: I think this will take time and for you to
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Speaker 2: grieve the anger and the frustration and the resentment towards
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Speaker 2: her is also going to take time on your part. Two. Like,
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Speaker 2: I love my relationship with my mom and we're super
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Speaker 2: close now, but back when I was eighteen, we used
7:44
Speaker 2: to clash a lot and we used to butt heads.
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Speaker 2: We're both geminis, both very stubborn, and I just clashed
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Speaker 2: with her all the time, and there was a period
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Speaker 2: of time where I went deep into my personal development
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Speaker 2: and I pushed away from her for a good two years.
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Speaker 2: That was my energetic boundary. No, like, this is not
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Speaker 2: the season where we're super close and I'm not letting
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Speaker 2: this into my life right now. Course she didn't like it,
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Speaker 2: and of course it wasn't nice for me to feel that.
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Speaker 2: But having boundaries and taking space from somebody doesn't mean
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Speaker 2: that the relationship is over. It just means that you're
8:14
Speaker 2: honoring what it is that you need right now. And
8:16
Speaker 2: maybe in this season of your life you're too angry
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Speaker 2: to have a relationship with her. She might be ready
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Speaker 2: to make amends, but you might not be ready to
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Speaker 2: meet her there. And you need two people to be
8:24
Speaker 2: willing in any relationship dynamic. So if now's not the season,
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Speaker 2: that's okay. Check in with yourself in a couple of
8:31
Speaker 2: months time, see how you feel then. But you can
8:34
Speaker 2: accept her apology or maybe not accept it, but create
8:37
Speaker 2: the space where she can come and apologize to you
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Speaker 2: and know that that's her trying to make amends for
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Speaker 2: what she did. It will never take away your pain,
8:44
Speaker 2: will never take away the experiences that you had, but
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Speaker 2: it is the very first step to you actually rebuilding
8:49
Speaker 2: a relationship with her.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, I also think you said you're a ball of rage.
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Speaker 1: This is where I also went in and did a
8:56
Speaker 1: lot of work with a coach too, whether that's going
8:59
Speaker 1: to rage release workshops, whether that's doing a lot of
9:01
Speaker 1: somatic energy release through breath work, sister circles, whatever it
9:05
Speaker 1: might be that feels good for you, and making sure
9:07
Speaker 1: that you're supporting your nervous system as well and not
9:09
Speaker 1: just pushing down all of that anger, because there's a
9:11
Speaker 1: little girl inside you that's very, very angry and that
9:13
Speaker 1: needs to be met, and that little girl is inside
9:16
Speaker 1: you and it's who you are now today as well.
9:17
Speaker 1: So a lot in a child work as well. We
9:19
Speaker 1: want to see change and expect them to change and
9:21
Speaker 1: do their work, but there's also work that we need
9:23
Speaker 1: to do because you were still in the experience as well.
9:25
Speaker 1: But a lot of patients a lot of forgiveness, a
9:28
Speaker 1: lot of openness perspective shift.
9:30
Speaker 2: Right, How awesome is it that you actually feel safe
9:33
Speaker 2: enough to feel your age? Yeah, like it's coming up
9:36
Speaker 2: for a reason. It's almost like, now that you've gone
9:38
Speaker 2: through this journey with her, at this point in your life,
9:41
Speaker 2: you feel ready, you feel safe. Your anger is now
9:44
Speaker 2: coming up. This is an opportunity for you to clear
9:46
Speaker 2: what it is that you're holding so that you could
9:47
Speaker 2: actually level up and go to the next level of
9:49
Speaker 2: integration with your relationship with your mum. But that doesn't
9:52
Speaker 2: happen without going to the depths of your anger, feeling
9:55
Speaker 2: frustrated and feeling to the depths of your anger so
9:58
Speaker 2: that you can allow that part of you to be
9:59
Speaker 2: seen finally, because you didn't get to do that when
10:01
Speaker 2: you were a child.
10:02
Speaker 1: And also you don't have to have relationship with her. Yeah,
10:05
Speaker 1: just play Devil's advocate here. Yeah, there's no fucking way
10:08
Speaker 1: any part of me ever wants a relationship with my
10:11
Speaker 1: stepfather ever. The level of abuse that I copped as
10:14
Speaker 1: a child and as a teenager and what I saw
10:16
Speaker 1: him do to my little brother and what I now
10:18
Speaker 1: know what he did to my mother. There is not
10:20
Speaker 1: one part of me there would ever entertain even a
10:22
Speaker 1: conversation with that man that is a hard, strong, Absolutely
10:26
Speaker 1: fucking no, Honestly, there's not one part of me. It
10:30
Speaker 1: sounds awful, But even if he's to pass away tomorrow,
10:32
Speaker 1: I don't think.
10:33
Speaker 2: I would cry. I don't think that's awful at all.
10:34
Speaker 1: Like that sounds awful, But if I'm being truthfully honest,
10:37
Speaker 1: and I am very honest in this podcast, and I'm
10:39
Speaker 1: very honest person, I don't think I would even be sad. Yeah,
10:41
Speaker 1: I have no desire connection anything. Same with my real father.
10:45
Speaker 1: There's a tiny bit in me that would love to
10:46
Speaker 1: bring him in here for an interview. Do I want
10:48
Speaker 1: to actually open up a relationship, Maybe not, but I
10:50
Speaker 1: would love to hear his side of the story, and
10:52
Speaker 1: I love to hear his experiences in his life and
10:55
Speaker 1: walking away from us as kids. So you know, even
10:58
Speaker 1: hearing us say big, compassionate and patient, da da da,
11:00
Speaker 1: Which I think that's why I'm encouraging that, because the
11:02
Speaker 1: fact that you sat down with the dinner with her,
11:04
Speaker 1: there is part of you that wants to repair it. Yeah,
11:06
Speaker 1: But for me, it's like, there's no part of me
11:08
Speaker 1: that would everyone to repair.
11:09
Speaker 2: With my stepfather, yes, but your stepfather and her mom
11:12
Speaker 2: I think would be the same as like her mom.
11:14
Speaker 2: Her relationship with her mom is like the relationship with
11:15
Speaker 2: your mom instead instead of the abuser though, because the
11:20
Speaker 2: partners with the abuses.
11:21
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know.
11:22
Speaker 2: So it's like I wonder what that would look like
11:24
Speaker 2: for her, Yeah, for sure. And like what you said,
11:27
Speaker 2: just the permission, the permission have to do anything that
11:29
Speaker 2: you don't want to do. I imagine she wouldn't want to
11:31
Speaker 2: be friends or make amends with the men who have
11:33
Speaker 2: abused her were dating her mom. But her relationship with
11:37
Speaker 2: her mom, like I think because there wasn't a level
11:39
Speaker 2: of abuse and things like that from her mom, maybe
11:41
Speaker 2: indirectly and neglect.
11:43
Speaker 1: There's a lot of neglect and abandonment, but the sounds
11:45
Speaker 1: of it, Yeah, that is a form of abuse. So
11:48
Speaker 1: I think it depends on where you're at. But I
11:50
Speaker 1: think there is a part of you that would like
11:51
Speaker 1: to repair. Otherwise you wouldn't have entertained having a dinner
11:53
Speaker 1: with her. Yeah, And I'd be interested to know how
11:55
Speaker 1: your siblings feel too. In your relationship with them is
11:57
Speaker 1: and how they're navigating that as well. But I just
12:00
Speaker 1: think because someone's blood, it doesn't mean you have to
12:02
Speaker 1: be tied to them for the rest of your life.
12:03
Speaker 1: The connection is not there, the trust is and they
12:05
Speaker 1: the respect isn't there. You're allowed to have boundaries in
12:07
Speaker 1: plays that, like you can be this closer or not
12:10
Speaker 1: close at all. Like you get to make up the
12:12
Speaker 1: rules for what feels good for you.
12:13
Speaker 2: We talk about willingness all the time. We're gonna like it,
12:18
Speaker 2: reiterate that every time. Yeah, it's willingness. It doesn't matter
12:20
Speaker 2: who it is. Intimate, friendship, family, willingness.
12:23
Speaker 1: Yeah, sure it is. I hope this helps with other
12:26
Speaker 1: updaters to or any other questions. If someone said something
12:29
Speaker 1: today that's made you go, oh shit, I haven't thought
12:31
Speaker 1: about it like that. There's something else you would like
12:33
Speaker 1: to ask We are here. Yeah, bring it into another
12:35
Speaker 1: best of you or slide into our dms. But we
12:37
Speaker 1: hope that something that we said today might give you
12:39
Speaker 1: a little bit more clarity or a little bit more hope,
12:41
Speaker 1: or just a different perspective to look.
12:43
Speaker 2: At it, Like that permission to feel how you feel
12:45
Speaker 2: and just know that You're allowed to be a ball
12:47
Speaker 2: of rage. Are feel so spicy today? If it makes
12:51
Speaker 2: you feel any better, we.
12:53
Speaker 1: Just like to encourage it to be let out in
12:55
Speaker 1: a healthy way.
12:56
Speaker 2: That, Yes, all emotions get to exist, not one is
12:59
Speaker 2: bad or good. Like just because you might lean towards
13:01
Speaker 2: crying more doesn't mean that it's worse or better. Or
13:04
Speaker 2: if you're somebody who leans towards rage and expression like,
13:07
Speaker 2: there's nothing wrong with that. It only becomes bad when
13:09
Speaker 2: you make it wrong.
13:10
Speaker 1: Yes, and also if you.
13:11
Speaker 2: Do it in an unproductive ways.
13:12
Speaker 1: Yes, exactly. Thank you for joining us. If you have
13:15
Speaker 1: a basus submission that you would like to write in,
13:17
Speaker 1: we'll leave the link a description box blow Otherwise, it's
13:19
Speaker 1: in our Instagram bio. She Wrises podcast on the Graham.
13:23
Speaker 2: We'll see you soon.
13:23
Speaker 1: Bye bye