Latest / Libido Lounge / Why Your Trauma is Blocking Your Desire (And How to Write It Away) with Kayla MacDonald

Transcript

Why Your Trauma is Blocking Your Desire (And How to Write It Away) with Kayla MacDonald · Libido Lounge

• 0:00
  One of the only places I really found solace and also just comfort in a way of accessing
• 0:07
  pleasure was through writing stories.
• 0:12
  Kayla McDonald is a writer, dance alchemist, and creator of the rewrite me method, where fan
• 0:19
  fiction meets feminine healing and desire becomes a creative force.
• 0:24
  After seven plus years in the health coaching world, leaving her burned out and binging on
• 0:29
  food instead of pleasure, Kayla found a way home through storytelling especially the spicy
• 0:35
  fantastical kind.
• 0:37
  Now, helps couples reclaim their voices, rewrite their patterns, and alchemize their
• 0:41
  cravings emotional, erotic, and otherwise into portals for radical self expression.
• 0:47
  Her work is pleasure led, trauma informed, and rooted in body trust, narrative alchemy, and
• 0:52
  nervous system liberation.
• 0:54
  Through somatic healing, shadow play, and and her signature use of divine masculine
• 0:59
  archetypes, Kayla helps women turn self sabotage into seduction and writes their way
• 1:04
  back into wholeheartedness.
• 1:07
  Writing and imagination are these powerful tools in every arena, whether it's
• 1:13
  relationships, health, whatever it might be.
• 1:16
  Because our imagination has so much power to create turn on, to help us see the life we
• 1:23
  actually want before it happens.
• 1:25
  So when you can bring the stories and the new meanings into your body and actually into your
• 1:30
  daily actions as well, that's where things really start to shift.
• 1:38
  Hey, everybody.
• 1:39
  Welcome back to another episode on the lounge.
• 1:43
  I'm so excited to introduce you to Kayla McDonald.
• 1:47
  Had the pleasure of chatting with her a little bit, and we I'm just, like, blown away with
• 1:51
  some of her approach around bringing libido back, bringing pleasure back.
• 1:57
  And an amazing component, and we haven't talked about this on the show yet, is through using
• 2:03
  storytelling.
• 2:04
  So I brought Kayla on today to introduce you all to her to talk a little bit about that.
• 2:10
  And this might, you know, ruffle some feather feathers and, like, maybe make some of you
• 2:14
  curious or maybe make some of you cautious or there might be some emotions happening here.
• 2:18
  So I think we'll jump right right away into bringing Kaylee Kayla up and then talk a little
• 2:24
  bit about your story if you were with Kayla because I know you have your own story on how
• 2:30
  you got into this world of really utilizing a story as a way of embodying yourself as
• 2:38
  experiencing more pleasure.
• 2:39
  So can you just, like, you know, welcome, like, introduce yourself as well as tell us a little
• 2:44
  bit about your story on how you got here?
• 2:48
  Yeah.
• 2:48
  Thank you so much for having me.
• 2:50
  So I started in the health coaching industry in 2015, and I was so excited, thought I'd landed
• 3:00
  my dream job, thought all of my struggles with binge and emotional eating were left behind,
• 3:06
  only to have them resurface with a vengeance.
• 3:10
  So I struggled with that off and on for the entire time I worked at the personal training
• 3:18
  studio.
• 3:19
  And at the same time, I was also in a misaligned relationship where there wasn't that
• 3:25
  that pleasure, that spark, that thing that every couple wants to have.
• 3:30
  And I thought that there was something wrong with me, or that I needed to fix or change
• 3:37
  something in myself.
• 3:39
  When turns out it was more of a mismatched libido thing, which we can definitely talk
• 3:43
  about as well.
• 3:45
  And over the course of that time working there, one of the only places I really found solace
• 3:54
  and also just comfort in a way of accessing pleasure was through writing stories.
• 4:01
  So really interesting thing is that I actually, believe it or not, manifested my now husband
• 4:08
  through storytelling, which is still one of the wildest things ever.
• 4:15
  Yeah.
• 4:15
  Tell us about that.
• 4:16
  Because I think that's, you know, that's like storytelling, anytime we're talking about a lot
• 4:20
  of things on the show, this show, right, it's like what happens in the bedroom oftentimes is
• 4:25
  a reflection of what happens in real life.
• 4:27
  And what happens in real life is a reflection of what happens in the bedroom.
• 4:31
  So I think, you know, when we're talking about, like, the power of any tool, like, of course,
• 4:35
  we're gonna say, okay, well, this is a powerful tool.
• 4:38
  We would expect a powerful tool to be able to show up and impact our lives in a lot of
• 4:43
  different ways.
• 4:44
  So the idea of like, okay, something powerful like this impacting and improving sex, as well
• 4:49
  as impacting and improving, you know, your manifestation capacities and drawing into your
• 4:55
  life what you want, I'm not surprised if that overlaps.
• 4:59
  But let's tease it apart a little bit if you would.
• 5:01
  Let's explore that.
• 5:02
  So so tell us about how you manifested your partner through story test for through
• 5:06
  storytelling, not testing.
• 5:09
  So he was actually a client of mine, so I was trying to repress these feelings on multiple
• 5:17
  levels for multiple reasons.
• 5:19
  A, he's a client, so that's unprofessional b, I'm in another relationship and I value
• 5:23
  loyalty, fidelity, all the things, and he was also grieving his late wife.
• 5:28
  So just multiple layers of, like, this is not okay.
• 5:31
  So come 2020, I'm actually about to marry my previous partner, and as I mentioned, there was
• 5:38
  quite a mismatch in libido.
• 5:40
  Mine was quite high, theirs was not so high, and that led to one of us being less satisfied
• 5:46
  than the other.
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  So I actually ran into a sex and relationship coach at a woman's event, and she was one of
• 5:55
  the ones who really helped me in that season.
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  So this was right during the pandemic.
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  I had just canceled the wedding because you had to.
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  And I sent her this email about how I had this mismatched relationship and it didn't feel
• 6:09
  quite right, and I also had these feelings for this other person.
• 6:13
  So I I asked her, I'm like, can you please help me manufacture desire for my current partner
• 6:17
  and not want to feel anything for this other one?
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  And she was very wise.
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  She's like, we can certainly work together, but the outcome you get might not be the one you
• 6:26
  expect.
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  And at the same time, it was a pandemic, so you're stuck in the house all the time.
• 6:33
  And I am a writer, so I decided, I'm just gonna write a book.
• 6:36
  It's gonna be a fictional book, but it's just gonna be me processing all of my feelings for
• 6:41
  my now husband.
• 6:44
  And obviously, it's not me and my husband.
• 6:45
  One of them is a were shark and the other one's not my husband.
• 6:50
  But I wrote this book and it was really beautiful and really magical, and I wrote that
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  in April, May 2020, and by October 2020, me and my husband were now dating.
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  And the wild thing is that the relationship and the dynamic was very similar to what I had
• 7:10
  written in that book.
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  Yeah.
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  Beautiful.
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  Beautiful.
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  So the idea was, like, you were tuning in to so much of that those energetics.
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  Right?
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  And and it sounds like also, like, processing old stuff that needed to be processed through
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  the, you know, through the process of that.
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  So, you know, when you talk about like it, you know, your the fan fiction helping you heal,
• 7:33
  it's it sounds like is it a lot of like writing it that's helping you heal, has helped you
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  heal, or is it also, like, reading it?
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  Can you tell us about some of that?
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  I would say it's more the writing itself, because writing and imagination are these
• 7:48
  powerful tools in every arena, whether it's relationships, health, whatever it might be.
• 7:55
  Because our imagination has so much power to create turn on, to help us see the life we
• 8:02
  actually want before it happens, and that's very much what happened with many of the things
• 8:07
  I wrote, is I wrote about them, and then they came true in some form or another, whether that
• 8:12
  was a literal thing or just some kind of a healing I wanted to go through in some aspect
• 8:20
  of my life.
• 8:21
  Okay.
• 8:22
  So let's break this down in like action stuff, because like what I'm imagining when you're
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  talking is, I I first I think I to identify the difference between small t trauma and big t
• 8:32
  trauma.
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  Right?
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  So for everybody that's listening, we have our big t traumas that are the ones that most
• 8:37
  people think of as traumas, you know, our assaults, our abuse, those kind of things.
• 8:42
  And then we have the little t traumas.
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  And the little t traumas, I think, are so interesting and important that they're
• 8:47
  obviously all important to dissect and figure out where they're coming from and heal from.
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  But the little t traumas can be things such as, wow, you had a boyfriend or a girlfriend
• 8:57
  girlfriend go go down on you at one point, and they made some sort of comments.
• 9:02
  And that comment, whether they meant it or not, like, felt bad to you, and now you feel
• 9:07
  uncomfortable with the looks of your genitals, for example.
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  Like, that is a little t trauma.
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  Right?
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  It's like something like that could have been even said in a way where it was like they meant
• 9:16
  kindness, maybe not, but we interpret things in a way that they actually become very traumatic
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  to our being.
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  So what I'm curious about is, like, if people are listening and they're like they're saying,
• 9:28
  okay.
• 9:29
  Well, I have seen some of these little t traumas in my life, and I know I'm not able to,
• 9:34
  like, body shame.
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  I have sex shame.
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  I know I'm not able to maybe show up for my partner in the ways that I want or show up for
• 9:42
  myself in the relationship the way that I want.
• 9:45
  Where where's the step of how to like actually, you know, say use some fan fiction and use
• 9:50
  writing?
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  Like, what are you, like, in this situation, are you inviting people to journal, or what
• 9:54
  does this look like more in a actionable you know, from an actionable standpoint?
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  There's absolutely multiple ways you could approach it.
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  One of them is if you are a fiction writer, you can actually write the stories you wanna live
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  in, and that can actually be a different reality than the one you actually lived in that
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  created that little t trauma.
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  And then the other one that I work with clients with inside the food freedom fantasy method is
• 10:23
  using these divine masculine archetypes.
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  And they don't have to be masculine if that's not the way you swing, but the ones that most
• 10:33
  of my clients do use are masculine, so you can actually take old painful moments, little t
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  trauma moments or even big t trauma moments, if you're at a place where maybe you've done some
• 10:45
  therapy and you're ready to go there, and you actually rewrite the scenes using these
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  archetypes.
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  And when you do that, it's such a reclamation of your health, your vitality, your confidence,
• 10:59
  and it does allow you to show up differently with your partner.
• 11:02
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• 11:06
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• 11:10
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• 11:15
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• 11:21
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• 11:25
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• 11:30
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• 11:32
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• 11:33
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• 11:36
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• 11:38
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• 11:41
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• 11:44
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• 11:46
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• 11:52
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• 11:56
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• 11:57
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• 12:06
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• 12:13
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• 12:18
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• 12:24
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• 12:29
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• 12:50
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• 12:53
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• 12:59
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• 13:01
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• 15:03
  Okay.
• 15:04
  So if somebody is saying like, okay, so I'm gonna do this and I wanna, you know, process
• 15:10
  this.
• 15:11
  So you're saying one idea, the first idea is like, let's write out a a fantasy.
• 15:16
  Let's write out a, like, a novella, you could say.
• 15:19
  And in that, you're going to describe, like, what world you said you'd wanna live in.
• 15:25
  Right?
• 15:26
  So the curiosity I have with that is, like, where do we blend, like, the idea of processing
• 15:33
  this, like, say, processing the shame or processing the trauma around that and and
• 15:38
  embodying it versus where does it turn into escapism?
• 15:42
  Because, like, when I like like, a concern I have is, like, the idea of, okay.
• 15:46
  So if somebody is gonna fantasize and be like, oh, wow.
• 15:49
  You know, this is my world that I live in and my trauma doesn't exist.
• 15:53
  Like, to me, that it could so easily go into escapism where it's like, well, I'm just gonna
• 15:59
  put my stuff over there.
• 16:00
  I'm not gonna look at it.
• 16:02
  I'm just going to almost, like, play make believe in my nervous system and, you know, and
• 16:06
  just go into the fantasy.
• 16:08
  So how do you work with people on that to make sure that this is done in a way that they're
• 16:13
  processing and it's not done in a way of escaping?
• 16:17
  And and, know, I think escapism has its point.
• 16:19
  I'll say that to listeners too.
• 16:20
  I'm like, I'm not saying there's never some reason to, you know, have moments of escaping
• 16:25
  from life.
• 16:26
  I think that's like why we have television.
• 16:28
  Right?
• 16:28
  It's like one way that, you know, as humans, it's like, let me just like not focus on my
• 16:32
  life for a second.
• 16:33
  But I do think that if we don't look at some of these things and really embody them and feel
• 16:39
  the pain and feel the hurt and all that, that we don't wind up oftentimes healing for them.
• 16:43
  So that's my question for you.
• 16:45
  So it's like, how do we how do you guide people to make sure that they really are almost like
• 16:49
  embodying it and healing from it versus like that escapism component?
• 16:54
  That is a powerful question, and that is definitely something I would always be cautious
• 17:00
  of because the purpose of writing and creativity, at least the way I do it and the
• 17:04
  way I help my clients do it, is never to escape.
• 17:08
  It is to do the processing and also creating the new stories and the new narratives around
• 17:14
  it as you're processing.
• 17:15
  So I can share an example of one of mine if you're interested so you can see what this
• 17:20
  actually looks like.
• 17:20
  Sure.
• 17:22
  So this one was closer to a big t trauma, but not quite.
• 17:27
  So I experienced some stuff as a kid, and my mom proceeded to have a really challenging time
• 17:34
  with her health afterwards.
• 17:35
  She basically had a breakdown.
• 17:37
  So I was brought to a therapist by my mom's friend, and my mom's friend was doing all the
• 17:41
  talking for me.
• 17:43
  And she said, yeah, Kayla came home from this person's house and she was acting like this and
• 17:48
  she was acting like this, so her mom knew that this must have happened to her, and then her
• 17:53
  mom had a breakdown.
• 17:54
  So that was when I was about six, and six year old Kayla's like, wow.
• 17:58
  Okay.
• 17:58
  So that's my fault.
• 18:00
  So I did that.
• 18:01
  So when I go back and do work on that core wound and that core memory, it's not like I'm
• 18:08
  writing a scene where that never happened.
• 18:11
  I'm letting my inner child feel the emotions, the sadness, the shame, the guilt, processing
• 18:20
  it crying.
• 18:21
  I also do dance alchemy, is a really powerful way for actually moving through the emotions,
• 18:27
  not escaping them.
• 18:29
  And then I wrote a scene where these two masculine archetypes burst into the therapist's
• 18:35
  room, and one of them is, like, the fiery one, and he, like, told off my mom's friend, like,
• 18:40
  you should not have said that, like this is not her fault and this is how it sounded.
• 18:44
  And then the other one's kinda like the softer gentle one and he like hugs a little inner
• 18:48
  child and explains like, no, this actually wasn't your fault.
• 18:51
  So basically, you're creating a scene about a painful moment where you, or a younger version
• 18:57
  of you, didn't get what you needed, and you're actually able to rewrite that scene.
• 19:04
  Not pretending it didn't happen, but rewrite it and give yourself what you needed in that
• 19:09
  moment.
• 19:09
  So does that help?
• 19:10
  That helps.
• 19:11
  Yeah.
• 19:11
  That helps.
• 19:11
  So we're really saying it it sounds like in general, like, is a lot of inner child work
• 19:16
  where it's like, okay, you know, little you, little somebody, and creating a scene where in
• 19:21
  that moment, you know, as children or as, you know, even as adults sometimes when we haven't
• 19:26
  experienced a scenario and it's new, sometimes we're not able to find that part of ourselves
• 19:32
  that is like the self advocating, the self protective part, those kind of things.
• 19:37
  So it's really using storytelling to like feel the emotions, but to like rewrite and be like,
• 19:42
  wow, this is what it would have been like if I had shown it for myself or if not, then there
• 19:48
  is some other archetype that actually could come and play that role for me.
• 19:52
  Right?
• 19:53
  Exactly.
• 19:54
  Yes.
• 19:55
  Okay.
• 19:55
  That that makes sense.
• 19:57
  And then how do you have you found, like like, shame?
• 19:59
  I wanna touch on that too if we can because I do see just you know, and this I don't think
• 20:03
  this is gonna surprise any of the audience members that we see it so frequent in talking
• 20:09
  about sex and talking about libido that shame just comes up left and right all over the
• 20:14
  place.
• 20:15
  And, you know, that can be like like almost like internal gaslighting type of shame where
• 20:20
  we're like self shaming, shaming ourselves.
• 20:23
  It can be from other people that know us.
• 20:25
  It can be from the media.
• 20:26
  It can be from science.
• 20:28
  It can be from politics.
• 20:29
  There's just like shame all around, I feel like, sadly, when it has to do with our sex
• 20:34
  lives.
• 20:35
  So how do you work with that?
• 20:36
  I mean, sounds like like similarly, but do you, like I guess the question is around this.
• 20:41
  Like, do you find that people need to know, like, what it is, you know, that's like, okay.
• 20:47
  Well, if I can't be present during sex, for example, like, do they need to know what why?
• 20:51
  Do they need to discover that shame is there?
• 20:54
  Do they need to know why it's there and where it comes from?
• 20:58
  Because I imagine, like, to rewrite the story, if we're rewriting it, we have to have some
• 21:02
  level of what the story was to begin with.
• 21:05
  Is that true or is there a way around it if somebody's like, yeah, I'm really ashamed with
• 21:09
  sex and I don't know why.
• 21:11
  I just am.
• 21:12
  Like, can you talk to to that a little bit?
• 21:16
  Absolutely.
• 21:16
  This is such a powerful point to make because so often we do have unwanted emotions or shame
• 21:22
  and we're trying to figure it out in our head, but there are certain things that our thinking
• 21:28
  mind cannot help us process, especially if maybe it's from dormant memories.
• 21:34
  It can also be ancestral because we hold some of the coding from as far as seven generations
• 21:41
  back.
• 21:42
  So one of the ways that I recommend doing this is through the body.
• 21:48
  So that can look like dance alchemy again, one of the best practices for this.
• 21:54
  And there will be times where we're leading a dance alchemy class and someone starts crying
• 21:59
  and they're not sure why.
• 22:01
  And a big reason for that is our bodies actually know how to release that stuff when we
• 22:06
  give them a regular practice for doing so.
• 22:10
  So dance alchemy is powerful, I know tapping is another one, many people use other types of
• 22:15
  somatic tools.
• 22:16
  So I would say that it's actually less helpful to try and figure out the exact meaning of
• 22:22
  certain sensations or emotions than it is to have an intention to feel differently in the
• 22:29
  bedroom, in relationship, and then have some kind of a body based practice to help you with
• 22:35
  the healing aspect.
• 22:36
  Okay.
• 22:37
  So it sounds then too, like another similarity I'm hearing in in what you've shared, is that
• 22:42
  this body based practice, that whatever we're doing, whether we know the why or not, that
• 22:48
  when we're creating a story, it is about the pay the words on the page, but I think
• 22:52
  sometimes we can get into our heads, right, and just like like storytell from our head.
• 22:58
  And obviously our head will be involved, but it sounds like with what you're doing with this
• 23:02
  methodology, it's a lot more around like like the somatics.
• 23:05
  So you're telling, you're writing the story, but you're actually feeling in real time as you
• 23:10
  write it, as you go back and read it.
• 23:12
  You're feeling real time what's happening in the body, and that's part of, like, being,
• 23:18
  like, probably a lot of where the the healing comes from is because with that, you're the
• 23:23
  experience is to say, the experience of writing is to then be able to explore those emotions
• 23:27
  more fully and safely.
• 23:29
  Is that correct?
• 23:31
  Exactly, yes.
• 23:32
  Because if you are just writing stories, do run the risk of just being in your head.
• 23:35
  So when you can bring the stories and the new meanings into your body and actually into your
• 23:40
  daily actions as well, that's where things really start to shift, and you give your body
• 23:46
  this new baseline that is safer, that is more confident, and that totally changes how your
• 23:52
  relationships are going forward.
• 23:54
  Makes a lot of sense.
• 23:55
  Well, this has been an amazing part one of the episode.
• 23:58
  I know we're gonna get you in to do talk a little bit about adding eroticism for long term
• 24:05
  couples and how to do that with storytelling, how to, like, spice up the relationship with
• 24:10
  storytelling.
• 24:11
  Also gonna talk a little bit about how do we use in our long term monogamous partnerships,
• 24:16
  how do we use, like, storytelling?
• 24:18
  How do we use imagination?
• 24:19
  How do we use these concepts to actually heal and break past these wounds that we might be
• 24:25
  carrying?
• 24:25
  So all of that and more coming up in part two, but I want to, before we go on to that, have
• 24:31
  you tell our listeners a little bit about how to get ahold of you.
• 24:35
  I know you have some I know you have your power portal experience, and I know you have a pretty
• 24:42
  amazing deal for our listeners on that.
• 24:44
  So I wanna make sure everybody gets all the goodies that you are so generously offering.
• 24:50
  So please tell me a little bit about those if you would.
• 24:54
  Yeah.
• 24:54
  So you can find all of that at embodiedwritingwarrior.com, including the
• 25:00
  podcast which plays at the intersection of pleasure, food, freedom, creativity, all that
• 25:06
  good stuff.
• 25:07
  And then the power portal is my two part experience that helps high performing type a
• 25:15
  women break through their biggest blocks with food and eating and body image.
• 25:21
  And there is a subconscious rewiring practice and there's dance alchemy if you're interested
• 25:26
  in what is she even talking about.
• 25:28
  So that's normally $97, but if you go to embodiedwritingwarrior.com/gift, you can get it
• 25:35
  for free.
• 25:36
  Amazing.
• 25:37
  And we will have all of that in the show notes, as well as like how to get ahold of and work
• 25:41
  with Kayla and more.
• 25:42
  Remember, also in the show notes, you'll find information about joining us for part two, so
• 25:48
  make sure you click on that link.
• 25:51
  Is there any final words before we get into part two that you want to make sure we cover
• 25:55
  today, Kayla?
• 25:57
  I can't think of any.
• 25:58
  Okay.
• 25:59
  Well, thank you so much for being here.
• 26:00
  Everybody, please remember to like, subscribe.
• 26:03
  We'll see you all next time.
• 26:04
  Ciao for now.
• 26:08
  Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
• 26:10
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 26:11
  Please share this with your friends.
• 26:13
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.