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Don’t Download That Dating App Yet… You’re Skipping the Most Important Step · My Sexy Menopause Body

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to my sexy menopause body, not just a podcast, but a movement.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: Menopause isn't something to dread.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's something to own with strength, confidence, and yes, sexiness.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: Because menopause doesn't mean fading into the background, it means stepping fully into who we are.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: And now here's your host, Kim Nicholson.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Let's get started.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, before you download that dating app, before you even upload a single photo, before you swipe on one single person, there's something you need to get right first.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you skip this, you won't be finding what you're looking for.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: You'll repeat what you've done in the past.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to my sexy menopause body.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is part two in our dating series.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: And if episode one was about the emotional reality of finding yourself dating again, this episode is about something very practical.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: But also something very deeply personal.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Dating apps, profiles.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: And guess what the truth is?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Most people jump straight into the apps.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: They pick a few photos, they uh write a quick bio and just hope for the best.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: I know I've been there, but I want to slow this down because dating in this stage of our life is not about, I don't know, more options.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually about um better choices.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: So let's take this one step at a time.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: So before you build a profile, you need to build your standards.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you heard that right.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: So before you even start thinking about building your profile, I need you to do some work ahead of time.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: I need you to think about your standards.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where everything changes.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you don't decide on what matters to you first, you will slowly negotiate your way into something you don't really actually want.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want you to waste your time.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want you to find Mr.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Wrong.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to pause this episode later and do this right now.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what I want you to do: take out a journal and write two lists.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Give you a second to do that.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Grab a piece of paper, grab a journal, whatever you got.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I want you to make two lists.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Your first list is going to be entitled Non-negotiables.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: These are not your preferences, these are not your standards, uh, things like honesty, emotional availability, uh, you know, lifestyle alignment values.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: These are the things that if they are not there, you will definitely walk away.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: No explaining, no fixing, no hoping or keeping your fingers crossed.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: So the first list is non-negotiables.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, when I did this, it was a game changer for me.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because you will well, what do they say?
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: That old saying is kiss a lot of frogs.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, at this stage, when we're at 55, 60, 65, and plus dating, you know, it's like I don't want to fool around.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I you just don't want to meet the wrong people, and you just don't want to settle.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I non-negotials, no non-negotiables are so important.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I kept a journal, I started writing them.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: I just just kind of like had a brain dump, and I just kind of kept writing them and writing them and writing them.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: And then finally one morning I woke up with a cup of coffee and I just said, geez, you know what?
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna highlight the ones that are most important to me.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: So first one is non-negotiables.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Then on your second list, these are your desired qualities.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: These are the things that you would love.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know, such things as, you know, shared interests, sense of humor, energy, you know, a particular lifestyle.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I want you to go deeper than you think.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: So not just five things.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to give me 25 things because clarity definitely creates confidence, and confidence will protect you during this time.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so though that's your homework assignment.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Next thing I want to talk about is how dating apps actually work.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about the apps themselves because this is completely different.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is a well it's a completely different world than many of us remember.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: You, you know, no longer are meeting someone at the grocery store or through friends, you know, you're looking at profiles, you're looking at photos, you're looking at short descriptions, and you're making decisions in seconds.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: So apps like Match, eHarmony, Bumble, or R Time, you know, they all work a little differently.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Some are more relationship focused, some are more casual, some require more detailed profiles, some are swipe-based.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the truth the app is just the introduction.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's not the relationship, it's only the introduction.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: So next, what I want to talk about is building your profile.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: All right, because this is where many women overthink or underthink.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Your goal is not to impress everyone, and I'm gonna repeat that again.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: I have told this to many of my girlfriends who I have helped write their profile.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: We are not out there to impress everyone because there's a lot of weirdos out there, too, and you don't want to impress everyone.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you want to attract the right person, and that means a couple of clear, confident photos.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna repeat that again.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: A couple of clear and confident photos, one or two candid shots, maybe natural moments.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Do not use any heavy filters.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, I just can't tell you.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: I've seen some men who use filters, and then when you see them, it's like, ah, oh my god, they don't look like their picture at all.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Again, that's a waste of time.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: So you're not trying to look like someone you're not.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: And when you write your profile, don't write what you think people want to hear.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because you I want you to write what actually reflects your life, because the right person is actually looking for you right now, at this very moment, not the polished version of you.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: All right, so I want to talk about the next thing is about when the profile doesn't match reality.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about uh anyone who's been on a dating app has had experienced this, I'm sure, in one funny experience or another.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what's happened to me in the past.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: You show up for a date, you're sitting there, and someone walks in, and you think, hmm, is that him?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because the profile you saw and the person in front of you do not match at all.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: They look like they're a completely different age, or they're completely different energy, they're completely different everything, and now you're sitting there trying to be polite, gulping your glass of wine, because you're trying to figure out how the heck am I gonna get out of here?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: While your instincts are quietly saying, gosh, I gotta get out of here.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Something's off.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: This is not who I thought I was going to meet.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I want you to hear this clearly.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: This is not about appearance.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not talking about this, this is about honesty.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because when someone misrepresents themselves, even in the smallest ways, they are telling you something about themselves.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: So do not misrepresent yourself in a profile.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm telling you, do not also post pictures of yourself five, ten, fifteen years ago.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Just don't do it.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Don't do it because you don't want to have those embarrassing moments done to you either.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: So the here's a truth moment for you.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: If your profile isn't honest, the relationship won't be either.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: And your body knows you feel it.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: That small discomfort, that hesitation, and so many women override that.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you know, we kind of tell ourselves, oh, uh, you know, be nice to that person across from me.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Give them a chance.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: But I want you to start trusting that first reaction because it's guess what?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's usually right.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: So now I want to talk about something that no one talks about.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Burnout.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because I had a moment, I was out at a restaurant here in Dallas with someone, and he pointed out two other women that were sitting at the bar with other men, and he says, Oh, they're on match.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: And then he says something that stayed with me.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, Some women have been on match or the dating apps, because usually most people are on several dating apps.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't, I was just on match.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's too hard to handle that one, so didn't want to be on multiple ones.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: But um, he said that some people have been on match here for years.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Years, years.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: I was like shocked, and that made me stop because dating apps are not supposed to feel like a second job if you find yourself swiping constantly, going on date after date, and feeling discouraged or feeling tired.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: It may not be the app.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: It may be time for you to take a break, a reset, and a moment to come back to yourself.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what I say?
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: I say, go get your non-negotiables, go grab that journal, and I want you to write your non-negotiables again.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you need to look at those and say, you know, what do I need to change in those negotiables?
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Is there something that I need to change or to focus on when I'm on these dating apps?
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: But definitely, if you've been on there for years, I'm even thinking if I've been on there for three, four, five months, it's time to take a break.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: Come back to yourself.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because, you know, apps are not the only way.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they're d apps are dating apps are only one path.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: They're only one path.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: People are still meeting, you know what, like the old-fashioned way, like we used to, through friends, at fitness classes, through travel, through community, through other shared interests.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: So don't blame yourself that thinking that you know, dating apps are the only way because they're not.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: All right, so again, I got an assignment for you because I think that these are really helpful.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know if they're not.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Or let me know if they are.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: So before you download anything, I want you to sit with this, ask yourself, why do I want a date now?
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: And think about it.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Write it down.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that could help you in a profile.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: What am I truly looking for?
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't say who, I said what am I truly looking for?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: What do I want to get out of this?
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: And then next question is what am I no longer willing to accept?
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: Again, it goes back to the non-negotiables.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: What am I wanting?
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Well, what will I not negotiate about?
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need in my relationship?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, the most important one, am I clear or am I just curious?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because clarity becomes for connection, it changes everything.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I just want to make sure that you are clear of what you want and what you don't want, what you accept and what you won't accept, what you want out of this next phase in your life, because clarity will definitely come before connection.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: And believe me, that will change everything.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: So remember, you don't need options, you need a better awareness of what you're choosing.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: And when you take the time to prepare yourself first, then dating becomes very different.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: It becomes intentional, it becomes grounded, and it becomes something that adds to your life, not something that drains it.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: So before you look for that right person, be clear on I'm using air quotes here, right actually means to you.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Alright.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I hope you have some really good golden nuggets here to take away and to think about before our next episode.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: But, you know, in the next episode, we're gonna talk about what happens after you make that match.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: The texting, the first date, the signals, and how to tell very quickly what someone's true intentions are.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: So until next time, thank you for joining my sexy menopause body.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: See you next week.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: This is your time to own your power.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: Rewrite the rules and show up unapologetically.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: Because sexy doesn't expire.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: You define it.