Latest / Doing Marriage Well / A Neutral 3rd Party Is the Best Friend Your Marriage Can Have

Transcript

A Neutral 3rd Party Is the Best Friend Your Marriage Can Have · Doing Marriage Well

• 0:00
  Doing Marriage Well for May 4th, 2026 A neutral third party is the best friend your marriage can have.
• 0:06
  Whenever I mention getting third party help in a podcast, my AI editor tells
• 0:11
  me I need to explain that and offer links.
• 0:13
  So this week I will talk about it, and in the future I can link to this when
• 0:17
  suggesting third party help.
• 0:19
  I use the term third party for two reasons.
• 0:22
  First, it covers a wide array of help, which we will discuss over the rest of
• 0:26
  the week. Second, it's someone who is neutral.
• 0:30
  I generally tell men I coach that I am a friend of their marriage.
• 0:33
  The marriage is what I care about, and if I think he is the problem, I will tell him that.
• 0:37
  And while I sympathize with his problems and pain, I won't badmouth his wife.
• 0:42
  When I talk to one spouse, I'm always aware that I'm getting a curated view
• 0:45
  of the couple's marriage.
• 0:47
  Even if the person is trying to be fair and accurate, I'm only getting their
• 0:50
  understanding and feelings, and that's only half the picture.
• 0:53
  Be wary of anyone who takes your version of reality as a truth.
• 0:57
  It's not a good sign. I'm a big fan of meeting
• 0:59
  with a married couple rather than one person If your
• 1:02
  spouse is unsure about going to get help Or you have disagreed about getting
• 1:06
  a man or a woman Seeking a couple will help A couple will also see things even
• 1:11
  the best trained man or woman can miss A man will understand cultural lies and
• 1:15
  feelings behind what another man says While a woman will hear what is behind a woman's words.
• 1:20
  A couple can avoid one spouse feeling ganged up on, but don't think the person
• 1:24
  of your gender is supposed to be on your side.
• 1:27
  The person helping is more likely to see through the BS of the person of the
• 1:30
  same gender and may push harder than the person of the opposite sex.
• 1:34
  If you decide to get help, have a discussion about what that will look like.
• 1:38
  What is required on the part of the person or persons you're going to see?
• 1:42
  If your faith matters to you, that would be part of this qualification list.
• 1:46
  A mile-long list of expectations is usually about control and avoiding accountability.
• 1:51
  But it's okay to say if there are things you're not willing to change,
• 1:54
  especially if your spouse agrees with you.
• 1:56
  You also want to discuss with your spouse what parts of your relationship you
• 2:00
  are willing to expose to a third party.
• 2:02
  You should renegotiate this list as you move forward. But don't bring up something
• 2:06
  your spouse is opposed to sharing unless your spouse refuses to get help and
• 2:10
  you seek help on your own.
• 2:11
  Getting your spouse to enter into the process is critical, and if that means
• 2:15
  some issues are initially off the table, that's okay.
• 2:18
  This is Paul, and getting help doing marriage well is wise.