Latest / Questionable Detour / Smearing mustard on yourself, showering with a Star Wars villain, and risking everyone's life on an airplane.

Transcript

Smearing mustard on yourself, showering with a Star Wars villain, and risking everyone's life on an airplane. · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here?
0:04
But first we're gonna make a little detour.
0:09
So absurd, so questionable.
0:12
Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:15
Expect the detour.
0:24
I hate small talk. I don't understand it.
0:26
Don't come up to me and start talking about the weather.
0:28
I don't want to talk to you about the weather. Tell me about something interesting.
0:32
Sometimes you just have to do that.
0:34
I don't want to do that. Don't say anything to me. Say something interesting or don't.
0:36
You're not gonna be everybody's best friend.
0:38
I don't want to be your best friend. Just tell me something interesting.
0:41
You only want the big talk?
0:43
Yeah, give me big talk. Give me one big talk.
0:48
You're like a whale.
0:51
I was thinking big talk would be like, what's your greatest fear?
0:53
Sure. I would so much rather have somebody come up to me and go,
0:56
hey, I'm dealing with genital issues.
1:01
I would so much rather somebody give me something personal about them
1:04
then just come up and be like, needed this rain today.
1:07
Nothing makes me want to stick myself in the eye with a pencil more than that.
1:10
What if the genital issues is related to the weather?
1:13
Are you good with weather at that point? Well lead with the genitals and then
1:17
connect the weather to it. Sure. Sure.
1:19
So like I'm really have like a like a trick knee or something they can always feel when it's about to rain.
1:23
They're like, yeah, this pressure is making me really achy.
1:27
Well, let me so okay. Can we do like a couple situations here to see which ones you're uncomfortable which in which you're like,
1:32
oh, this is good. Yeah, absolutely. So like where are we? I think an elevator is kind of hard because of your track.
1:37
Yeah, I think you got to do elevator. Yeah, and then like that's because
1:41
You can't exactly ignore a walk away from the small talk at some point. I just don't know what to say
1:45
I don't know. Like I don't know where to go. The weather's the weather's been crazy. Yeah, there's nothing to go to something next
1:51
Like conversations are you know, it's like playing ping pong but like you come up with
1:56
Small talk. It's like you taking the ping pong ball and just
2:00
Slapping it as hard as you can as hard as you can over my head. I can't return it
2:04
I can't return the volley weird analogy. Yeah, but it makes sense
2:09
So if somebody walks up to you and they're like, man, they really got the ac cranking in this building
2:13
Oh, I will you hate that. No, I will punch you in the throat. Okay. So yeah, so you do hate that
2:18
I
2:20
Never answered the question. That was my answer. He said no
2:24
You don't have a lot of conversations with adults
2:27
No, I do have I got a conversation with those all day
2:29
So if somebody walks up to you and they're like, hey your breasts are sticking out of your shirt my breasts. Yeah
2:37
Can you have a conversation with that i'd be like do you like the victoria secret bra i'm wearing?
2:42
Yep
2:44
I just don't know where your line is. What like when does it stop becoming small talk?
2:48
Just when you when you give me something to work with it just makes me uncomfortable and I haven't
2:53
I haven't quite figured out why like I think it's just because I I guess it seems disingenuous
2:58
But also like because you're a really honest person. Yeah, well, I just give me give me something
3:03
But it's just so uninteresting. I think I think it's just the step one
3:07
It's I think it's a lot about our culture. We just want to be entertained non-stop. Don't
3:13
Yeah, and throw me in the category that ipad kid basically you're just one of these children that's being raised on screens
3:21
All you want is your peppa pigs and your your blueies. That's all that's all you want subway surfer
3:29
Underneath it then he's not listening
3:32
If you're gonna talk to me at least put on some music in the background really stimulate everything
3:36
You just your voice isn't enough. You have to be stimulated every time. Give me some stimulation
3:40
And it's just a lack of stimulation. Well, that's why that's why he's not able to make it make it through one of these conversations
3:47
I didn't realize you had to be stimulated. Yeah
3:51
You know do a tongue flip or something, you know i'm saying like, you know, give me a wink
3:55
Give me something just if you come up and talk it about you know, it's a monday. I want I want I want to
4:02
Remove your kneecaps. It's a monday. We're good. We survived another monday
4:06
If I walked up to you and said i've got two animals which one would win in a fight. Is that oh my gosh
4:11
That'd be such a great if somebody came up to me on it
4:13
If I just got on the elevator and going you know, and somebody was like, yeah. Yeah, they brought two animals
4:17
Oh my gosh, let's go
4:18
We could have a I don't I wouldn't want to get off the elevator
4:21
Because see that's sometimes like what's going on through my head like at any random point in the day is who would win
4:25
In a fight of you know any situation, you know man versus animal right animal on animal man on man. Oh wait
4:31
Are we we're still talking about fighting? Okay. Okay. You want to do a situation you want to run through?
4:39
maybe y'all can teach me how to
4:42
Handle these situations since apparently I have autism a little bit of probably an autism
4:48
Missing a chromosome or something. So maybe like you and you and alan you and evan can like uh, let's workshop this
4:54
Yeah, workshop. So let's say you get on the elevator. I'll be the elevator. Okay. Oh
4:58
So go ahead and crawl on me. Oh, well you got a ding the door's not open yet. Yeah. Oh, that's true
5:05
my bad elevator
5:08
All right, here we go, okay
5:11
You gotta hit my button
5:12
I'm gonna press the we're going up or down. I don't know. That's what I was trying to think of. Uh, let's go up
5:16
Are you going up? Okay, let's go up. Yeah, i'll go up too. You're you're deciding you're based on a stranger
5:21
We don't know each other. We're just trying to figure out where we're going, you know
5:24
Yeah, you know what to do this building. You're just immediately friends. Yeah
5:29
Impulsive just let's go in this building ride this elevator. You talk about autism. That's autism. Yeah
5:34
Okay, we just hit it. I'm hitting the button. Here we go. Uh click i'm i'm now on your floor
5:40
I gotta sit next to each other beginning of this, huh?
5:44
Yo, did you all do the white man smile thing? We did we uh, yeah
5:47
Kind of like a pursed lip situation thing like a chimpanzee under dress you give the really low under the breath
5:53
Uh, hey, how's it going? Yeah
5:55
You said you know you do the rocking thing that you do like on your you come up on your toes
6:00
I think it's important in this situation to note that evan and I have not really started a conversation yet because
6:05
We're still in a public place. We're not in our confined space where we can right we can really converse right?
6:11
You're not comfortable around us. Yeah. Yeah, we're not comfortable. You're not comfortable enough to have the most basic conversation
6:16
No, we'd rather we'd rather uh, just have a level playing very intimate
6:19
Yeah, this conversation that's about to happen looking at my phone for a minute. Yeah. Yeah, you know, okay, so uh, here I am
6:26
It's about time
6:28
Teaming up against me here. I'm just an elevator
6:30
I have a job guys. So all right, i'm gonna just kind of i'm gonna hit evan with just a basic one
6:36
Uh, yeah, we've stepped in by now. Yeah. Yeah, you're you're in
6:40
Yeah, well, I guess I'll walk in first here and uh, i'll click my four. What floor are you going to?
6:45
Uh six. Oh, this is only a five-story building though. So i'm suicidal
6:55
This is the last elevator ride until the the one that takes you to heaven this is not a very well-designed elevator
7:01
Okay. Okay. Okay. We'll go to six then
7:03
Okay
7:05
Go ahead. No, I know what the doors haven't shut yet. You know how it takes forever. Yeah for the elevator doors are shut
7:10
On that. Oh, see it's awkward. You're just sitting there looking the same direction
7:14
Yeah, so i'm gonna hit evan with just a uh, that temperature really dropped today. Didn't it? Yeah. I mean it's
7:20
It's one of those days. I think
7:22
I already want I already want to kill myself continue. Let me continue it but this is already uncomfortable. This is fake
7:29
Did you check uh the forecast though? It'll be it'll get get warmer this weekend. Did it really?
7:33
Yeah, yeah, it'll be it'll be nice this weekend make up my grass. No, that'd be nice. I need to do some yard work myself. Uh,
7:40
My kid killed himself last year
7:54
Oh, that's what i'm talking about man, what a what's your reaction to that like legitimately like if somebody hit you
8:00
With such a pivot like what's your reaction? What do you like probably just be like, uh, so that's why you have to do the yard work now
8:10
You always can make another one
8:13
No, I was about to ask when you put your hand up a shirt to fill his heartbeat
8:16
When does that happen? Uh, is he wearing a button up or just a tee? Does it matter?
8:21
Yeah, one's gonna be tucked. Oh one tuck it like it's not fort nauts. You can just go on and pull that out
8:25
Well, here's the thing though. If it's tucked and it's a button up I can just remove one of those buttons and just slide
8:32
Right on that's true. That's so
8:36
That's true that makes sense this podcast has gotten gayer
8:44
Like a lot gayer
8:47
Golly, uh, you know, it's where we wanted it to be the whole time
8:50
Yeah, I'm gonna say at some point you kind of just fall into the the groove of things
8:55
Um, I think we need to talk about how we're married more
9:01
Oh man, uh
9:03
Well, I I mean that didn't solve anything for me
9:06
I do appreciate that evan took it how I would actually want a conversation to go rather than sitting there forcing
9:13
Everybody to sit through a small talk conversation because despite what you two think small talk is terrible
9:19
And that was our better at it, but you would rather you would rather hear that 100%
9:23
Well at the beginning of the conversation you'd rather us not do a little preamble about the weather
9:27
No, immediately walk in. Yeah, like what do you what do you uh, what's what floor you going to and the guy the other person's
9:33
Like five that's exactly the age my son died at okay, and then you're like, oh so, okay
9:39
How about how about me and you walk into an elevator and uh, we can just kind of gauge me and you yeah
9:44
Yeah, allen can be the elevator here. Okay, you want me to do what we can kind of just gauge like i'll i'll hit you with
9:50
A conversation and see if you're comfortable with that or where you want to take that
9:54
Okay, I just kind of want to gauge where where you're at. Uh, hopefully in an elevator emotionally
9:58
So so just to let you guys in on how this elevator is this is a freight elevator
10:03
Ah, there's lots of space. So this is really spacious if you guys need a place to yourselves at any point
10:09
You know just walk into a corner. You're basically in another room. Yeah, it's like a gym. It's like a basketball court
10:14
Yeah, you got a lot of hanging blankets. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah hanging blankets
10:19
I think we're gonna go down this time. We met on the seventh floor and we're both kind of we're riding the freight elevator though
10:24
I like we're rebels. Yeah, or so just some cargo. Yeah
10:28
We both have apartments close to the freight elevator and the other one's too far away to sure
10:33
Okay, so i'm glad we i'm glad we said the backstory to our logic
10:37
Anyway, i'm gonna press the down button here. Oh, you gotta have a key for it because it's a freight elevator
10:41
So i'll work here. So I just kind of swipe my badge that's that's not you on that badge
10:47
Somebody works here
10:50
Also, you also just said that you lived here
10:53
Do you live and work in the same building?
10:56
Really short commute, okay new york city situation. Well, i'm gonna overlook that. That's not you on the id badge
11:02
It's someone and that's all that matters. It's a human I guess. All right, so I guess we'll go ahead and
11:08
Wait for this freight elevator
11:10
Which I am 100% what alan calls himself in the bedroom the old freight elevator. Yeah. Yeah
11:17
I say it's coming
11:22
All right here we go for it
11:25
All right, here we go here we go here we go, okay scrolling through my phone. Yeah, i'm just gonna scroll through mine
11:33
They probably really need to work on the elevators in this building it's uh
11:36
Uh taking some time. Yeah, I need to get to the pharmacy to fulfill my viagra prescription
11:43
Oh
11:48
My dog's been struggling with his sexuality
11:52
Great top I think I saw him at uh, the flaccids are anonymous meeting. Yeah, he's uh, he's been going hard about getting hard
12:00
To get to the elevator and come down
12:04
The elevator doesn't come down
12:09
We're still here we're still here
12:12
Do I need to make a noise for the elevator? Yeah, I mean you need to show us we're here because I assumed you would just edit
12:17
This in in in post-production. Oh, no this you could just do it here. It takes five seconds
12:22
I had to go find an elevator noise
12:24
Seems like you're just being lazy now
12:26
Uh
12:34
Resonating a reverb in here. What year is this bell from for the sake of the audio medium?
12:39
We're evan and I are I don't know his name are getting on or let me look at his id. It's it's lupay
12:47
garcia
12:48
Yeah, yeah, my mother's mexican. Okay
12:51
Okay, it is a lot of room in here spacious this could be another apartment
12:57
I feel like the amount of room. Are you looking for a roommate? Well
13:01
My last one died in a fiery car crash. So i've been looking for a little bit of rent money. So I'd say yeah
13:08
Let's live in here then
13:10
This is where we live now
13:12
Oh, we're we're moving in. Yeah, like
13:14
Oh, yes, that was all the application I needed as far as roommates go. So I just needed a verbal confirmation
13:21
You can bring your dog. I mean, I have a couple questions first. I mean like one would be you ever brush your teeth with
13:28
meat fat
13:30
Good question. It's very good as the uh, is the carnivore
13:34
Masculine alpha that I am I do actually what's your mother's maiden name?
13:40
Garcia wait
13:42
I
13:44
Don't have a third you want to do a blood test right now
13:48
So we're going to poke each other and maybe sacrifice. Yeah test to make sure that you bleed. Yeah. Well, yeah, we're yeah
13:53
Well, it's great that y'all have chosen to do that because there is a really rusty cart
14:00
In this freight elevator so you guys can both just reach over and just slice yourself open
14:03
Yeah, that's good here. Just kind of put your hand and run it down
14:06
The side of this cart really just cut yourself cut your palm open the most inconvenient place to cut yourself open
14:12
The part that you use the most go ahead do it. Let's go to do you first
14:18
Really? Uh, wait fine, but I just slide my hand right? Oh man. Here's the uh, oh elevators done
14:25
I'm gonna go to get off. Well, no, hold on. I'll see you later
14:28
Hold on. You might want to patch that up. We're not gonna shake on this. I feel like you're good
14:32
Just put handprints around the elevator like it's a horror film and then leave
14:37
Okay, and that's how that's how I think that situation would go. I would leave a man bleeding in an elevator
14:42
So you're not really wanting to join into these conversations? You're more wanting to watch them play out
14:46
I want to manipulate themselves into hurting themselves and then leave. Okay. I see. Yeah
14:51
But the point is I didn't have to do small talk and that is really the end goal to this
14:56
But now that that's going to be a segment
14:58
Welcome to questionable detour where we only do small talk. Let's do a hypothetical
15:03
Dave can I pose a somewhat abstract purely hypothetical question?
15:08
I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question. Well, that's a hypothetical question
15:13
So I know our listeners can't see us right now, but right now us three are shirtless. We're oiled down
15:20
Showing off our eight pack abs. We have pecs like Arnold Schwarzenegger. We have washboard abs
15:28
Glistening under the studio lights here. It's because we go to the gym. We eat right we lift heavy
15:34
So it is only right for us to give our next listener the answer to his question. Mr
15:41
K says greetings again, Zachary Allen and
15:44
Evan with the silent D
15:46
He put the D in the front of the name by the way
15:48
If you're wondering where that D went he says i've been going to the local lifting gymnasium recently
15:53
And i've been having trouble making friends. Maybe i'm just doing it wrong
15:57
How do you three go about making it look like you know exactly what you're doing when you go there for the first time?
16:03
I need to know what to dress like too yours truly. Mr. K. So guys, um as three gym goers
16:10
Just beefy just beefy boys
16:14
Adonises
16:16
Adonises
16:18
How do you look like you know what you're doing in the gym? I would say first off. Mr. K. Stop calling it a lifting gymnasium
16:26
It's oddly specific. I think you might be putting off some people because nobody calls it that a lifting gymnasium
16:32
Mason seems like he's in the 1930s where they just do weird plyometric exercises. Yeah, and with mustaches
16:40
But in order for everybody to know that you're serious, you need to just bring your own equipment
16:44
There you go, because if you're really serious about working out
16:48
This is not the gym is not the only place that you can access that equipment
16:52
You probably got some at home and I would say bring it to the gym. Just use that just clear your own space
17:00
a nice 10 by 10 area
17:03
Rope it off um with velvet movie theater. Oh
17:09
Red carpet do you put the red carpet there too? Yeah. Yeah, you do very classy red carpet there because you know
17:14
You're you're a classy guy and then just start start breaking out the equipment that you brought you brought a lot of sandbags
17:20
Okay, I was gonna ask. Yeah, you know, maybe what do you bring to lift?
17:25
Yeah, you've got a lot of sandbags and you bag with sand
17:28
Okay, because sandbags just implies that the bag I don't know who knows what's in it. Well, yeah
17:32
You you bagged it yourself from the beach. So there's like
17:37
glass
17:39
Crustaceans
17:41
You know, you got a great beat. It's it's not it's not a good beach. There's a beach in new jersey. Yeah
17:46
Yeah, there's there's heroin needles in there
17:49
I mean, it's probably 70 sand. Yeah, that other 30 is a dangerous 30
17:55
So it looks it basically is going to look like a world war two bunker just with the stacked sandbags
18:00
Are you kind of are you are you gearing it towards that at maybe a battle?
18:04
Yeah, because you know when guys go to the gym they
18:07
They sort of have a persona about them that they're just super masculine
18:11
And what's more masculine than a guy that served in world war two?
18:15
So you just kind of you just kind of build that build that bunker, you know, get that barbed wire out of there
18:22
Continue with the sandbags you and one of the exercises can be just wrap your arm in barbed wire and see how long you last
18:29
So it's implied that you bring a gun. Well, yeah, I mean the gun the gun is essentially the bar
18:34
You know, you've got you've got sandbags on either side and you're just you're lifting lifting the gun with sandbags and it's loaded
18:42
Well, yeah, I mean
18:44
What are you gonna do unload your gun? Right? That's too much work. My fingers always close to the trigger
18:49
That's just safety off. Yeah, what if you needed to use it and then you didn't have a bullet in that's true
18:54
That's true. You would have to you'd have to stop waste your time and load it
18:58
You know, and who cares you take a pop shot that hits the glass that lines the gym wall
19:03
You'll immediately get the whole gym to yourself
19:08
So sandbags are you lifting anything else I mean
19:12
Yeah, the other thing that i'm lifting is just jugs of mustard from Costco
19:17
You can buy just those massive jugs and if you can haul those things out of out of Costco
19:23
That's a that's a good it's a good workout workout. So keep a lot of those on hand and just lift them
19:29
Lift them. How quickly are you going straight from lifting them?
19:33
Just to eating mustard with your hand just like scooping it out of the the gallon jug of mustard
19:38
I mean it i've probably got two minutes tops before
19:42
Your eye
19:44
Those mustard jugs the whole time just sweating like I can't wait
19:48
I'm giving the mustard that side. I that mustard's giving me that side. You know, like you're like Dijon
19:54
Stop it
19:56
Once i'm once i'm done lifting it. I just kind of go face first into it
20:00
It looks like a just a place that you've cleared out with just mustard everywhere
20:05
Like yeah, you're just a yellow individual in a yellow space at that point
20:09
And there's been a lot of critique about yellow face. I think in the in the news and
20:15
On certain social medias and i'd like to just address that. I don't think it's right
20:20
But sometimes it just happens sometimes you can't help it. Sometimes you just and sometimes you're
20:25
You're portraying an asian in a movie. Sometimes you're you bet do a lot of bowing eating mustard
20:30
Yeah, I mean like there's you you never know when the situation could arise when you might be
20:36
chastised for
20:38
your yellow face
20:40
So basically you're you're knee deep in mustard
20:44
It looks like a mustard bomb has a mustard bomb has exploded in your area and you stand up covered in mustard shirtless
20:50
Probably you've taken off your shirt. Yeah, didn't even I honestly I didn't even wear it in the gym
20:55
You look in that the mirror and just a gong hits
20:59
And you're like I am who i've always been
21:02
You start doing just karate moves, but it's not like real karate moves. It's karate moves that i've kind of sort of made up
21:08
Yeah, my own just a lot of flailing like i'm not doing the crane kick or anything, but I am
21:13
The pigeon kick. Yeah. Yeah, like the pigeon kick which is a lot a lot like the crane kick
21:18
You just don't get your leg off the ground
21:22
It is yeah a lot a lot dumber of a dumber of a kick
21:25
What are you wearing to the gym? You said you're maybe not wearing a shirt
21:28
But I assume it's a little more complicated than just going topless
21:32
Yeah, I think that would be a really easy answer. Uh for mr. K here
21:36
But we don't want to give him the the easy the easy way absolutely not needed
21:40
We need to give him something that'll stand out and I think nothing stands out more than overalls and a train conductor hat
21:49
Do you have like one of those train whistles that you you toot in as you walk in one of those like wooden
21:57
Wooden whistles. Yeah, I give it a little toot toot as I come through
22:01
What it is is I'm as i'm walking through the gym
22:04
It's like a the same way that a forklift driver honks when he leaves an aisle so that
22:08
So that everybody knows he's there. I do that except with a train whistle as i'm walking through the gym
22:14
Because you've gotten huge from all the lifting. I am enormous
22:18
From the mustard that yeah, that's why I say it's because your body's holding on to the
22:23
Water because of all the salt in that mustard. You are yeah, you're like the michelin man. That's right. That's right
22:29
You're saying train conductor hat no shirt and overalls
22:32
And instead of like the black soot you would get from coal you just have yellow spots from mustard
22:37
Yeah, that's just kind of crusting all over your body. That's about right. Yeah, does it really paint a picture for you? It does it's
22:44
Well, it's kind of I don't know the word for that. Uh sexy. Yeah
22:49
Yeah, you you know alan there's definitely a uh, a silhouette mustard silhouette on the
22:55
The mirror in the gym where alan tried to make out with himself. Yeah
22:59
It tells a story
23:00
It's a timeline of alan looking all like innocent and like shy at himself and then you know
23:08
You see the mustard kind of scoot toward it
23:11
All of a sudden it's just full-blown make out with himself at the mirror
23:14
Yeah, someone has to take the gun out and actually shoot the mirror. Oh my god. I don't look at it
23:19
Yeah, i'm trying to be a humble guy like I I don't want to be constantly
23:25
Like ogling myself like sure that's can't get anything done. Yeah, it's just disrupting your workout
23:30
It is it is and i'm you know
23:32
Maybe it
23:33
Disrupts other people's workouts at the end of the day. I don't care though. I mean
23:37
I'm i'm there there for me and visually for them
23:44
I think that's very good. I think um, you hit all the points that mr. K was looking for
23:49
I you didn't really answer how you make friends
23:51
But I assume that's kind of a given as you are the most interesting person in that gym
23:55
Yeah, see the thing is when you go to a gym, there's probably a lot of people of the same personality there
24:01
Yeah, sort of that that uh
24:03
meathead
24:04
Eating powder with no liquid kind of person
24:08
I'm not that guy. I stand out and people kind of they kind of flock to me
24:13
They they kind of want to know what's going on. They take pictures. Yeah. Yeah, they don't really want to be friends necessarily
24:19
But they want they want to figure out what's what the deal right? You're an interesting person
24:23
Uh, what if you see somebody doing the exact same thing as you but they're covered in ketchup?
24:29
That's kind of where the gun comes in
24:33
So you just murder which is convenient because they're covered in ketchup the blood yeah
24:37
It just blends right in right and they're just a dead red person laying on the ground
24:44
You toot toot your way out. That's right. That's right
24:47
So yeah, that's kind of I guess that's what i'm doing and I think that's what he should do
24:50
I think it's good. No wonder you're so buff. Yeah, you do this a lot. I do
24:55
I've been kicked out of a lot of gyms
24:59
God dude, the just a mess you leave behind
25:02
Yeah, we kicked them out, but that's the least of our worries. Look at this
25:05
There's bull holes in the wall that weird spray bottle and those rags are not gonna fix what i've done
25:12
That's good, um, all right, so here's what I do at the gym don't work out working out at the gym is overrated right?
25:19
I mean everybody's doing it everybody there is working out you have to fight over machines
25:24
People are sweaty and gross. I
25:27
Avoided at all costs I go straight to the locker rooms straight to the bathroom
25:34
locker room
25:35
Combination when I do I sit in front of the showers the communal showers that sit in that locker room and I
25:42
I basically judge whether or not you're allowed to go take a shower
25:49
It looks like a line
25:52
outside of a very
25:54
Exclusive club. I'm just the bouncer just I have a velvet robe much like alan but it's in front of the shower
26:01
Entrance and I judge whether or not these people can go in the shower or not
26:06
You know, it has like the shower classic shower
26:08
Look where the steam's kind of bellowing out of it and he has like flashing lights in there like it just a deep bass
26:16
It sounds like a european nightclub
26:19
So your title is shower bouncer
26:21
Well at my time
26:23
Just sounds weird. Yeah, i'm the i'm the bath bouncer. I'm uh, I have sunglasses on full three-piece suit
26:29
They're legitimately a three-piece suit. It gets really hot
26:31
There now aren't you also to get to your judge persona aren't you wearing a like a 1600s judge's wig?
26:39
Because I wear many hats
26:40
I also wear many wigs and i'm also wearing a judge's robe and the curly judge hair that they wore in
26:47
medieval england also very powdered face
26:51
That is slowly coming off because of the steam. So I look like a
26:55
Insane clown standing at the door of the the communal shower. You just leave the water on the whole time
27:01
Yeah, I just leave the water. That's not my water bill
27:03
And in fact, I do have a water bill. His name his name is bill. He's my um, partner in this venture
27:09
His name is bill. He's water bill. He just stands in the water. He just stands in there
27:13
He's kind of like the um the bouncer within the club. He goes around make sure everybody's doing things above board
27:18
So if somebody makes it past you and gets into the shower, they have to shower with bill they have
27:24
Yeah, they have to shower with bill he's a professional at all times sure eyes always looking up until you turn away
27:30
Then he's looking down he's he's
27:32
He does the bouncer thing where he's always just looking around like trying to see if he can find somebody calls in trouble, right?
27:38
I mean he has the earpiece that he always kind of touches his ear like he's talking to me on a swivel, you know
27:42
Yeah, yeah bill seems like he's probably an open carry guy too. Oh, he's open carry because he's naked
27:49
Okay, I didn't realize that
27:51
He uh, all he has is just like the old school cowboy belt with the bullets
27:55
Oh on this perimeter of the belt with two just six shooters sitting in the side, you know, so
28:01
He that's what he has cowboy boots on too. I forgot to tell you that cowboy boots for traction for traction for attraction
28:08
Cowboy boots naked old school cowboy belt just kind of hanging loosely around his hip. Okay, that's water bill
28:16
and
28:17
You really know how to paint a picture
28:19
Yeah, it's not one I wanted to look at which is honestly something in activity
28:22
You can't do in the showers in my shower. You can paint a picture. Wow, it doesn't work
28:25
Well, because you know of water, uh-huh. I think we need to check on bill's skin
28:30
Uh, just because it seems like it's constantly pruning. Yeah, it's very pruney. It's um, kind of sloughing off
28:37
All the time like emperor palpatine
28:42
Just a big prune, yeah
28:45
Close your eyes. Oh
28:47
Close eyes closed. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Imagine emperor palpatine big black robe. Imagine him without the big black robe. Oh
28:54
Naked. Wow. Oh, that's a lot of cowboy boots
28:58
Okay
28:59
Loose cowboy belt around his hip
29:02
Do we think he's more powerful? I this way I think if as far as sexual attraction goes definitely maybe so maybe so
29:10
I think is this what he was talking about when he said unlimited power?
29:13
This is what he said when he said do it
29:17
Yeah
29:19
Yeah, but that yeah, that's basically what bill looks like. Okay. Okay. So bill stand in the shower and also scream
29:24
I am the senate
29:27
Yeah, uh emphasis on the sin part of that
29:33
Yeah, because he's uh bill's not bill's not going to church on sunday is what i'm saying
29:37
Again, it's because he's out too late on saturdays. Yeah
29:43
The club's open late on saturdays. It's hard to make it. The shower's open late. Yeah
29:49
What are the weekend hours for the shower? Oh, we're open 24 7 on the weekend
29:53
The gym might not be but the showers hours are we'll sneak you right into a window if you want to have to be put through that
30:00
Shower with an emperor palpatine-esque man
30:04
You can sneak in the back window
30:06
So, you know, it's it's a cool club. We got good music playing
30:10
We have bill holding up his phone flashlight just turning it on and off for the strobe lights and then you're just outside
30:18
Sweating like a man in a three-piece suit in the desert. I am sweating
30:21
It's hard to tell because of the steam like i'm just kind of just kind of generally just kind of soaking wet
30:26
Yeah, um, but yeah, yeah i'm sitting outside with the old
30:29
Old judge's wig and a three-piece suit that is not fitted. You probably chafe a lot. I am constantly chafing
30:37
Every crease in my body is beet red
30:40
Does the judge's wig come with an accent like the old english accent?
30:44
Yes, but I have uh another one of my compadres, uh, he he he does the english accent for me
30:50
So it's almost like a translator. So as I can't know it's the same language. Yeah
30:55
It's in an accent. That's right. So if I if I decide to turn somebody away from
30:59
The the shower club come up which i'm going to come up with a name for right now. It is suds and buds
31:09
If I turn somebody away from old suds and buds, they've they've wanted to go it's very exclusive
31:13
They wanted to be a part of that. I'll just say, uh, you are not worthy
31:18
My small english friend british friend will go and translate that into a british accent
31:23
So to go like this, so let's say we love to do a scene because i haven't come up to suds and buds
31:28
And you have the music going in the background
31:31
You know, it's steamy. So it's you know, just one flicker and line up from water bill in there
31:37
Uh allen, do you want to play my british friend nigel? Uh, I'd love to okay. Um, okay here we go
31:44
So evan's gonna come up. Yeah, it's long to work out
31:47
Feeling a little sore a little sweaty. I need to hop in the shower here
31:50
You don't need to give me a wikipedia page. You're not worthy
31:53
My dear sir, you are not worthy to enter the old suds and buds club
32:00
Hit him with a stick
32:03
And that's what happens he said like three more words than you
32:09
And that's what happens so, you know, it doesn't really seem like a great use of funds. Yeah. Oh, i'm not paying anybody
32:14
This is all volunteer work
32:16
It's uh, it's not non-profit I I take home a bat check at the end of the month
32:23
But yeah, I mean that's what I do in the gym. I I think it it makes sense. I don't need you to
32:29
Measure the logic of it. We're not trying to defend it. Yeah, what you're doing is weird
32:37
Doesn't make a lot of sense, but I think i'm i'm glad that you're connecting dots in your head. Yeah, you know
32:42
Yeah borderline problematic. I would say i'm hey as long as we're borderline. That's that's pretty good
32:47
As long as we're not crossing that boundary. Let me tell you something. I think would make this a little bit better
32:51
I think I think evan and I would sleep sleep easier at night separately in our own beds
32:56
But we would sleep easier at night
32:58
If you just had bill adjust his belt holster to where one of the guns covers his crotch
33:06
And the other covers his butt crack so just just rotate it a little bit. I think that's good
33:10
It it makes for a very awkward high noon standoff, you know
33:16
I agree, you know because I mean the risk of you just blowing off your genitalia. I hire hire
33:23
Listen, i'm gonna go the opposite. I'm gonna go in and erect a statue of water bill
33:29
Gun gun hit guns to the side
33:31
Guns on the hip you're getting the full full statue of david
33:35
Type statue of him. Oh, I think that's good evan go ahead and tell us what you do at the gym
33:40
It's the best way to kind of make friends in any situation, but especially at the gym
33:45
People are drawn to power
33:48
to celebrity
33:49
Uh, so that's of which you don't have not not me. I don't have but that's why I
33:55
Roleplay as howie mandel from deal or no deal. Yeah, got you. Okay as soon as I walk in
34:00
Shave your head shave my head immediately
34:02
Uh walk in i'm wearing a suit start getting real germaphobic and just making sure wiping everything down
34:08
Does that mean you don't like german people? That's german phobic. Oh, but
34:12
It's very I mean, I wouldn't say I love them
34:16
Anytime you walk up to somebody and you know, they they walk up to you and they ask if you're using that machine or if
34:23
If you're done with it and you say you can either have this machine or hold on the banker's calling
34:29
So I get a phone call sure I act like I can get a phone call. It's not you don't even have a real phone
34:34
It's like a child's phone with animals on the buttons. Yeah, exactly, but it makes noise and that's all I really need
34:41
the dog says
34:44
So I answer that
34:47
Oh, oh really?
34:49
Oh, he's not gonna like that
34:51
Okay bad news
34:54
You know the guy's like heart sunk a little bit when you hear that
34:57
Yeah, so I say you can either have the machine or you can walk away now with three legs. What three legs three legs
35:03
So assuming he has two already. Okay doesn't um, I don't know you're the one in the situation
35:10
So, okay, so he doesn't know until he leaves you're
35:13
You're um, you've basically
35:16
Offered him a deal of adding a third should we assume that it's a human leg or are you just giving him random animal legs?
35:24
What i'm what i'm picturing here is maybe he doesn't have any legs. Ah
35:28
You go to a very special gym. There's just a bunch of people holding cases and
35:34
He's got to get you know, pick the case that has the right amount of legs that he needs
35:39
And he needs three legs, I'm assuming
35:42
Um, and you know like in the deal or no deal they generally have attractive women held in those cases those cases
35:48
Evan could not pull that he has a bunch of cigarette moms
35:52
Up there just smoking and looking frumpy out holding those cases
35:56
He has waitresses that are about to go to the cracker barrel to work
36:03
Yeah, so he doesn't know if he needs the legs or not he wants
36:07
Two sure but at three he's like is that too many should I keep trying to get two?
36:12
Yeah, I mean is it way that three extra legs or just one extra leg who's to say really?
36:17
so it
36:19
Uh, can we assume it's human legs? We can assume it's human legs. Okay, that's more concerning
36:25
He doesn't have any legs. Oh, he does. So it would it would be three total legs
36:30
And that's just this deal. Maybe he goes to the next machine and i'm like
36:35
Hold on i'm getting a call from the banker. Ah, you follow him. Yeah
36:40
You're harassing this guy with all your cigarette mom women. Yeah, I don't let him use a machine without
36:46
Getting a deal. Yeah
36:47
I also like the fact that evan thinks humans can just put on legs like a lego person
36:53
Well, like if somebody doesn't have legs you give him legs and he can just kind of just fit them on
36:58
Surgeries for yeah, they didn't invent surgery for nothing. That's a good point
37:02
We'll get into that on if he takes the legs or not, but continue. Okay, you follow him to the next
37:07
So anyway, he goes to the next machine and he tries to use it and I say hold on buddy
37:11
I'm gonna call from the banker. Yeah, I do my whole spiel
37:13
Um, no, he's that's there's nobody on the other line. Obviously obviously not but there is in my brain
37:19
Yeah, because i'm schizophrenic and
37:23
I say you can either use this machine or you can walk away now with 466 japaneseian
37:28
Ah, okay. What's the uh, that's about three dollars. It's three dollars. Okay, you're gonna give him
37:34
Three dollars in a currency. He can't use. Okay, that's good. Yeah
37:38
And of course he he takes the yen. He didn't really want to work out that day anyway
37:42
So you really wore him down? Yeah, it's like this isn't worth it
37:46
So he walks away and I can use the machine but he loves me, you know
37:50
Oh, yeah, i'm a i'm a fan favorite. Okay at that jump. That's how you make friends that took a turn
37:56
I didn't realize you were you were also
37:59
Making these people fall in love with you
38:02
You know like like the real howie mandel like he's a household name people been knowing howie for quite some time now
38:08
You know evan is evan is just like that. Yeah
38:11
Yeah, I recently bald individual so, you know his head doesn't match the rest of his skin tone. It's very it's very pale on top of it
38:19
matching
38:20
Earrings, yeah in his ear. There's no way evan has matching earrings. Those things are mismatched, but they're 100
38:25
They don't look like howie mandel's regular earrings. These are like navajo earrings
38:31
So there's a lot of turquoise stone. Yeah, it looks like it looks like a wind chime
38:36
I look like i'm about to go do some peyote. Yeah, and just kind of sit in the desert for a while
38:40
What what did you say you're wearing to this like what what do you wear to the gym in this given situation?
38:46
Full three-piece suit. Okay, so a three-piece suit. Yeah, I have a show to host so but it's not like a normal three-piece suit
38:52
With the jacket pants and vest. Yeah, what are the three pieces? Yeah, what are the three pieces? Well, you have your wind chime
38:59
Okay, that was a part of it. I got you. Okay
39:01
Uh, you have your emo goth choker
39:05
That's the second part that sucks that those are only two parts and he has one more to go
39:12
And he is he is completely new to yeah. Yeah
39:15
uh, the third part is going to be a
39:18
Giraffe onesie. Oh, okay
39:22
Nice save. Yeah suit was a strong word for what this is. Yeah
39:27
Your onesie of course has the back door, correct? It does uh, and by back door
39:32
Let's just say the back door is always open. Yeah, because I lost it. You're vulnerable. Yeah, I lost the back door
39:38
It flew off in a storm one day. Let's just say that ventilation guy though. So yeah
39:44
Things have to air out so or they get moldy. Sure. Yeah, you don't want that
39:49
You don't want mold in the attic. So
39:52
So basically if I go to whatever gym you decide to grace yourself with i'm going to be met with a a stranger
39:58
Balled recently balled giraffe onesie choker like from 2005 navajo wind chime earrings
40:08
Being followed by five or six gross looking cook or women
40:12
Good. Yeah with just I
40:14
None of them have the same briefcase. It's all different briefcases. Yeah, straight
40:18
They all look like they're like leather briefcases from the 50s. Yeah, they're falling apart. The leather's cracking
40:24
Yeah, much like their skin
40:26
And you're just gonna follow me around to each to each machine, uh, and make you pick between either the workout or
40:34
Whatever the dealer gives what happens if I continue picking the gym equipment? What's the final straw where you just
40:41
Eventually, I assume emotionally snap. Do you which one of these hooker women do you turn around and kill? I'd add
40:48
They're hookers. I I'm killing him for a job. So
40:52
Oh, I mean that could just be an employee. Yes, I mean
40:55
You know been lying. I think I evan you have an llc don't you for the course that you're running this operation
41:03
It's just a just a legal legal business situation. What's the name of that?
41:07
Yeah, I guess that one's called deal or don't deal colon with me
41:11
and you know, it just it's a
41:14
It's an up-and-coming enterprise. You'll see it on the tv one day. Yeah. Oh, i'm sure i'm sure
41:19
They'll be on the six o'clock news while the cops chase you down the highway. Is it true that the theme song for the show is?
41:25
uh the gambler by kenny rogers
41:29
But hey, even if I do end up on the news no press is bad press, that's right. That's true
41:33
That's right. It's true. I think one of the great things about this this enterprise you've got going on is it can be done from jail
41:42
Like you can you're inevitably going to end up there that is that is the end
41:46
And uh in result in result. Yeah, but you can that's not going to stop you
41:50
I think you can continue doing this and you're not going to have women
41:53
This is an addiction, but you know, you can still use the inmates. Yeah, I guess that's true
41:57
Just find some uh woman like inmates
42:02
Kind of prop them up and use them as I need to nope, um
42:08
For deal for for my entertainment show as people work out good save you saved it that was and you nailed it
42:15
Yeah, I feel like interrupting inmates workouts also probably gonna get me beat up. Yeah, it was a fight probably murdered
42:22
I think that's great. You're really kind of marking your territory
42:25
You know
42:25
It's always annoying when you go to the gym and people are using the machines that you want to use pester them pester them
42:32
with with a
42:33
absolute schizophrenic game show
42:37
And some trailer park women it's a
42:41
Oh man, all right. All right, we're moving on well
42:44
That but hey, there you go. Mr. K. That's what we do at the gym. Um, do it do whatever you will
42:49
It's not advice. This is a hypothetical segment
42:52
Don't think too much into the difference between the two as we end that we're gonna jump into our next segment
42:58
What do they say? Wait, wait, what did I say?
43:03
What did I say
43:06
Wait
43:09
What did I say
43:11
We need to figure it out fast, you know here at quest of lady tour
43:14
We always like to tell everybody we are well traveled last week. We went to a different country
43:20
We started our own traveled show
43:22
So we're well traveled and that means we're on planes a lot and that means we're we could basically fly a plane
43:28
So for this segment of what do they say we're gonna do what do pilots say?
43:35
This is your pilot speaking we are barely hanging on at 2000
43:39
feet in the air
43:42
I would suggest you pray to the lord that we make it down safely, but I am not optimistic
43:54
Yeah, this is your pilot speaking, um, my dog's really been going through a thing with his sexuality lately
44:02
I don't really know how to handle it. I don't know if there's anybody on board that could take a look into that
44:07
Yeah, we'll see y'all when we land
44:14
This is your pilot speaking we're gonna be the first people to land on mars
44:23
This is your pilot speaking does anybody know what this knob does
44:29
It sounds like a what you call like a british person calls like a a douchebag
44:33
I know what this knob does. You're just a pilot roasting one of his passengers
44:42
Like this unemployed fool
44:46
Hey, this is your pilot speaking. I don't know why I said hey
44:51
You're a pilot of the people hey guys, uh, this is your pilot speaking. Uh, does anybody know?
44:58
How many oxycodons too many oxycodons flyplane
45:05
I just wondered for a friend
45:09
This is your pilot speaking, this is your pilot listening
45:16
It's a matter of the heart yeah, you just need somebody to listen sometimes
45:23
Hey tower, yeah, we're gonna need to land immediately
45:25
We're gonna have to turn around make an emergency landing. Uh, there's a I think there's a bomb threat on the plane
45:31
Uh, oh wrong button
45:37
Why they put those buttons so close together, I don't know
45:43
This is your pilot speaking i've been locked out of the cockpit and there's a four-year-old driving this plane
45:47
Hey, this is your pilot speaking
45:56
You ever sipped breast milk by the french riviera
46:02
Just sat and enjoyed a day about two hours till we land
46:06
And this is your pilot speaking we'll be landing right now
46:20
Yeah tower, this is flight 815 we're gonna pull a tolkien book two I repeat that's a tolkien book two
46:31
This is your captain speaking
46:33
I'm about to make it easy for you to remember that september is the ninth month of the year
46:42
This is your uh pilot speaking can somebody bring me another beer
46:50
Hey everybody, this is your pilot speaking. Uh, just want to say while we're uh 30 000 feet up here. This will be my last flight
46:56
Oh my god, it'll be your last flight too
47:05
This is your pilot speaking I am now taking bets on whether this plane floats
47:14
This is your pilot speaking there's 20 dollars for any passenger that can determine who the air marshal is
47:18
This is your pilot speaking, uh, just wanted to put it out there does anybody think if we get high enough we'll be able to see god
47:28
Yeah, yeah in a sense
47:35
This is your pilot speaking and welcome on board malaysia airlines 370
47:39
This is your pilot speaking let's go ahead and kill the stigma about yelling bomb on an airplane just go ahead everybody start yelling it
47:49
Take the power away from that word
47:53
It's like voldemort, you know, you just gotta say it
47:58
This is your pilot speaking
48:00
This is your pilot speaking let's go ahead and put the top down
48:10
Look all i'm saying is there's no mascot more attractive than the one that's on the plane
48:18
So let's go ahead and put the top down
48:22
Let's go ahead and put the top down
48:24
So look all i'm saying is there's no mascot more attractive than the windies mascot
48:34
The windies you don't even see anything but the neck down steve look it's it's all in the hair
48:41
I don't mean the girl. I mean dave thomas the founder. Yeah. Yeah
48:45
Yeah, this is your pilot speaking i'd like to welcome everyone to flight
48:53
316 to our first class passengers. Thank you so much for flying with us and for the rest be less poor
49:06
This is your pilot speaking if you will look under your seats each and every passenger has a glock 19
49:12
Go ahead and take out the windows and we're gonna be flying over my ex's house
49:19
Pop shots are encouraged
49:24
Oh, yeah, this is your pilot speaking if everybody will unbuckle their seatbelts we are coming over omaha beach. Good luck guys
49:31
This is your pilot speaking and i i've never really thought about this before but what happens when we die
49:45
This is your pilot speaking faa regulation states that we are not allowed to be smoking on board any us airlines
49:52
But you and d3 you're the exception
49:55
So you're not allowed to smoke on board any of us airlines
50:01
You would d3 I don't know how you got on here
50:07
This is your pilot speaking and this plane won't be the only thing landing hard
50:16
And there you go, that's what pilots say if you were flown you understand if you've never flown
50:20
Well, you're just gonna have to do it to experience it. But as we end episode two of season two
50:27
What's a one-liner wisdom for the saturday workers?
50:30
They say one anal fissure is called a hemorrhoid
50:35
But two would be called a themeroid
50:42
Oh, I had no idea where you're going with that one
50:44
I think the government may let you pile out a plane, but they won't let you pilot a getaway with murder
50:53
So restrictive
50:54
Very good. But as we as we conclude if you have a hypothetical you want to answer you need some advice
51:01
You have a place you want us to travel
51:04
Any number of things write us in invite us to your home invite us
51:09
To your house your address in your bank account and routing information
51:13
And send us your social security. We want to be you we'd hate who we are
51:16
Even if you need to tell us how much you hate us write us in questionable detour podcast at gmail.com
51:24
All right, guys, you wanna you want to be done? Yeah, I think so
51:28
Yeah, dude, and she told me she didn't like
51:31
My deep v-neck shirt. I don't really get I don't really understand why I mean it showed nipple and navel
51:38
I thought that's what girls want it is. That's like the only thing they want I think or
51:44
We're going third floor. Yeah, we're going to go to go to hit the yeah third floor. Hey buddy. Where are you going?
51:48
I'm going wherever you're going
51:56
Oh, that's um, just leave it on three then yeah, I guess that's convenient
52:00
Uh, uh, my name is zach. This is evan by the way, you know, it's a very slow elevator
52:05
So we might as well get to know each other. I guess yeah, nice to meet you boys. My name's water bill
52:12
What are you what do you do for work water bill you're not wearing a lot of clothes
52:18
I gotta say that concerning lack of clothes. You wouldn't believe me if I told you
52:24
You are you are dripping wet it is uh, you're soaking the carpet of this elevator
52:29
My job is to stand butt-necked in the shower with two holstered guns around my waist
52:39
Not wearing them right now
52:42
I'm off duty
52:46
That would explain the unnaturally wrinkly skin. Yeah that I understand the water in the wrinkly skin that makes sense. Um
52:53
You get off duty. You don't put on clothes, but you take off the belt
52:57
Have you ever heard the tragedy of water bill the wise?
53:01
Is how about this weather though?