Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Why Your Husband Can't Admit He Was Sleeping

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Why Your Husband Can't Admit He Was Sleeping · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show. Today, we are going to talk
• 0:10
  about when men do this thing where they don't admit that,
• 0:14
  they were sleeping when they were sleeping.
• 0:16
  And what this goes along with and why they do this and how to
• 0:19
  think about it, when it's crazy making.
• 0:22
  Before we get into that, please do subscribe because my most
• 0:25
  recent one was about why your wife doesn't like when you
• 0:27
  drink. So that will be relevant for
• 0:30
  many people and you should listen to that as well as 80
• 0:34
  others. Subscriber only episodes.
• 0:37
  So anyway, multiple clients of always told me about this thing
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  that happens where the husband falls asleep.
• 0:44
  And he doesn't say he was sleeping, and it's obviously
• 0:47
  like a joke and the media, we're like a dad.
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  Just says, he was resting his eyes, not sleeping.
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  So and also, guys, do other stuff that's, like, lie about
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  little things that you would think.
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  Why are you lying about this? Are you just trying to make me
• 1:01
  crazy? And the answer is, no, they're
• 1:04
  not trying to make you. Crazy.
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  But there's this thing with men where Society tells them that
• 1:09
  they have to be very strong and they think of like literally
• 1:13
  like if you're asleep you're obviously not Vigilant about
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  what's going on. You're like week, you're tired,
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  you obviously need it to fall asleep and having a body that
• 1:25
  does something that you don't want it to do.
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  Is a certainly not a very cool thing for men.
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  Like if they don't get an erection when they want to get
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  an erection, they're upset. If they fall asleep when they
• 1:36
  didn't want to fall asleep. They're upset.
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  You know if they're in any way physically weaker than they
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  expected to be. Then they're upset and women are
• 1:46
  much better about this. I discuss a lot of biological
• 1:49
  differences with men and women and my podcast women.
• 1:52
  It's like you're out like your emotions and body feel out of
• 1:56
  control whenever you have your period, you know, whenever
• 2:00
  you're pregnant, whenever you're nursing menopause.
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  I mean, like, from the time that you're 12, Years old and you
• 2:05
  start getting your period. Your body is doing shit that you
• 2:07
  don't want it to do. And of course, weakness,
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  physical weakness in men and women is perceived very
• 2:13
  differently in society. So this idea of the man called
• 2:18
  notwithstanding and I wanted to Great depth about how that does
• 2:22
  not really resonate with the experience of most men that I
• 2:25
  work with or that I've observed in my life, this idea that like
• 2:28
  a man called fills a man so completely and differently than
• 2:31
  a woman somehow, you know, is just not really concordant with
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  the Fact that men just keep going to their job, usually, no
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  matter what the it is. It should be acknowledged
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  because it's true that like, women are expected to be
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  physically weaker than men. I mean, that's pretty obvious.
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  There's a difference in size, you know?
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  And generally, of course, physical size correlates with
• 2:55
  the in stronger, man, can bench press More Than a Woman.
• 2:58
  So, the point is from the time that a man is very young.
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  He's told that he has to be strong.
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  He has to be like this like viral strong in control person
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  and this butts up against the reality of the fact that women
• 3:15
  want a vulnerable, real genuine man.
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  Like sure, they like somebody who's strong and can take care
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  of shit but they also genuinely want somebody who is honest and
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  real. And who could admit for example,
• 3:27
  that he just fell asleep because men don't realize how stupid
• 3:30
  this looks too. I mean like, you're literally
• 3:32
  sleeping you're snoring, then you say that you weren't
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  sleeping. I mean, Crazy.
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  You know I mean it's as though you walked in and your wife was
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  dancing and you said, why are you dancing?
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  And she said I'm sitting like it's like do I not have eyes,
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  you know, or ears? Like I'm watching I'm hearing.
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  But anyway the reason that guys do this is because they panic at
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  the idea that you could on some level, perceive them as weak or
• 3:54
  out of control, and it's important to really recognize
• 3:57
  this, you know, and to not assume that your husband is just
• 4:01
  being disliked gaslighting, crazy asshole, which is an easy
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  way to A to think about it, if you're already having like a lot
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  of resentment toward it, you know, which a lot of people are.
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  So what should you do, if your husband lies and also what some
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  more examples? Well, they'll lie about
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  forgetting something because this is another one, they're
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  supposed to be smart. They're supposed to be on top of
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  their shit. So if you tell them to get
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  apples at the store, they don't get apples at the store.
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  They may say some something ridiculous, like they didn't
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  have apples. The, of course they had apples.
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  It's a grocery store, but the man would rather you think of
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  that as like been There's no apples then to think that they
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  are useless and can't even remember like a small item on a
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  grocery list. So a lot of this, a lot of your
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  framing on this can change. If you think that the man just
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  doesn't want to seem like a loser or a weak idiot in front
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  of you. So what are the ways than that
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  you can talk to your husband about doing this especially if
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  it bothers you very much. Some women especially older
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  women or women from previous generations, who are now older
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  women Are like well men, they like to save face and you know,
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  it is what it is, leave it alone.
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  But you know, that is not how the modern woman thinks in our
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  age that your husband is supposed to be your soulmate and
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  your intellectual equal and all of these things and wonderful
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  and every way. So of course, the first thing to
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  do is to introspect about why it bothers you so much women both
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  of an older generation and also women that really never grew up
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  with this kind of thing. They'll just be like this is
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  some weird shit. Husband does obviously.
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  I know. He was sleeping.
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  I mean, whatever. I guess.
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  He's like trying to save face. Somehow don't really understand
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  it. Okay, fine.
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  He's weird. But if you grew up with lying in
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  your house, then this is going to be a big trigger.
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  And if your husband does, any other bad lying, like if he's
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  ever cheated, or if he's ever done any real betrayal to you,
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  that was related to lying then little lies are going to make.
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  You feel like he's probably Hiding some other big thing
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  again. So but that's not a tough sell.
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  So in this situation, where your husband has cheated on you in
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  the past and now he's lying about having fallen asleep, then
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  you could be like any level of lying triggers me because of
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  what you did to me in the past. And I feel that I cannot really
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  fully trust you, unless you are open with me.
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  I don't care that you sleep. I don't care that you forgot the
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  apples. I care that you lied.
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  So you got to, you know, be playing about it like that in a
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  situation where the guys never done anything, really bad
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  involving lying and it's all these just little lies.
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  Then you got to think about why it triggers you so much.
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  If you could come up with a reason, then you're ahead of the
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  game because you could explain yourself much better into a
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  point that he could maybe empathize with.
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  So, you would say something like when I grew up my dad drank a
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  lot, he would always lie about it.
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  He say he's coming right home he ended up not coming home so I
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  understand, you're not my dad. I understand that you are not an
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  alcoholic but it's lying. You know, it's lying and I grew
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  up seeing my mother hurt by my father's lies.
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  And so I hate when a man Lies. I just hate it and it'll go so
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  much better for us. If you're just honest, I don't
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  care about whatever the thing is.
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  I care that you're lying about the thing.
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  And also, if you are a specifically, you know, a very
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  by-the-book, kind of person, and you're kind of rigid yourself,
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  and you're really into black and white distinctions of honest and
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  not honest, and it also May bother you a lot more than the
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  average person. So then you would say something
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  like, you know, me, you know, I hate lying.
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  I hate when anybody lies. I hate when people do bad things
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  at all and yeah, maybe this seems a little bit rigid to you,
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  but I just really can't stand it.
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  It makes me feel like we're not on the same page about morals,
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  you know, because I know you forgot the apples, you know, but
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  but you won't just say it. And then, of course, there's
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  some people who think who are taking it too personally and
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  that's something that you got to get rid of.
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  Because sometimes the guy will say, well, the reason that I can
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  tell you is because you freak out.
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  If I tell you the truth, that's some 8 + guests.
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  Lighting bullshit. So don't listen to that, that's
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  wrong. That's just plain out wrong.
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  That's like what somebody does when they're defensive, you
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  know, and they're trying to throw it back on you in the
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  history of the world. Like what are you standing there
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  with a gun? And you're going to like shoot
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  him if he says the wrong thing? No basically what he's saying is
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  I am terrified of your anger. Due to unresolved childhood
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  issues involving my own angry parents.
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  And therefore, I cannot tolerate the idea that you might be
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  annoyed with me about the apples.
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  And so therefore, I must lie to you in my own mind.
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  You hear how crazy this is, right?
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  This is something that he should be dealing with him therapy.
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  You know. Is it likely that he's going to
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  go to therapy? Probably not.
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  Average man doesn't want to go, but either way, the least you
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  can do is to stop relating it to you.
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  He could say it's related to you, but that doesn't mean you
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  have to drink that Kool-Aid. Of course, if you're extremely
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  emotionally volatile, then, yes, many people will lie to you
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  about Myriad things. So if he comes home and he says,
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  he forgot the apples and you throw his shit on.
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  The lawn and tell him to get the fuck out of the house.
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  Well you know I mean like he's got a couple choices stay with
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  you and and lie or leave you and that may not be as easy as it
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  looks so in. But but I'm not talking about
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  situations where somebody struggling with profound
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  emotional dysregulation. But more of a situation, where,
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  if he came home, he said I forgot the apples, you might
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  roll your eyes and be like, oh well, you know, I guess I got to
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  get the apples to guess. I gotta do everything around
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  here or, you know, some fucking annoying response.
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  Fine. Not Best moment.
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  But like, that isn't the sort of thing that should like change.
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  How somebody has a personal philosophy on honesty, you know.
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  So if somebody tries to tell you that they lied to you because of
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  you then, unless you are truly acting outside the bounds of
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  what is normative and yelling, and screaming and threatening,
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  and being violent, and all sorts of weird, you know, outsized
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  reactions. Then it's not about you, if that
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  is you I knew that of course y'all could benefit from couples
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  counseling and you from Individual Counseling because in
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  that case, your kids are probably going to start lying to
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  you too. Because if you say, did you
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  clean up your room? And they say no and then you
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  lose your mind and you are like a complete like lunatic then.
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  Yeah. They're going to start lying
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  about it and, you know, just hiding, you know, trash and like
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  just doing all sorts of stuff to avoid ever having to tell you a
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  truth that may cause you to be crazy.
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  That's just the truth. And if you act like that,
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  probably parent, acted like that when you were young.
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  So, you know, that it's the truth, even if you might not
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  like to hear it. But yes, if you acted inordinate
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  outsized, dramatic ways and people are going to lie to you,
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  but in the out then in the absence of that then no Inlet
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  like, that is not why somebody is lying to you, they're lying
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  to you because their own stuff. And in this situation, their own
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  stuff is usually being highly defensive being very tied to an
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  image of themselves. Elves as very competent and
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  knowing exactly how to do everything I want to do
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  everything. And, you know, that is, it's
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  hard to be also to be a perfect person, but also, to be the
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  person who forgot the apples or who fell asleep when they said,
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  they were just resting there. Rise.
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  Right. And I talk about a lot of men
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  who try to be like this in mr. Perfect.
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  And his crazy wife, the podcast, and the post that I've written
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  with the, with that name. So, yes, this is an annoying
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  thing, but there's also a way to To confront your husband about
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  it and to say this is really bothering me a particularly
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  bothers me, because XYZ about me about you about us.
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  And I would really hope that you don't do it anymore.
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  And also, then you have to be nice if they do tell you stuff
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  that they did wrong. So then you really do want to
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  work on being the person who's like well I guess I have to do
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  everything around here. You can't even get the apples.
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  Yeah. Like is that really pretty, you
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  know like rewarding somebody for telling the truth?
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  No. So, So, and by the way, like if
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  you're like, well should I have to reward somebody for telling
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  the truth? Let me tell you in a healthy
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  relationship. The way that that situation goes
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  where somebody forgets the apples is, the other person is
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  like, oh, but you going to get apples?
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  Or should I get apples? Kind of, like, it would at work
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  or something or like with a friend you know, like at work or
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  with a friend. If somebody says I forgot
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  something you don't like then like use that as an end to
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  assassinate their character in some way.
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  You know, you would just be like oh then how are we going to
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  solve? The problem is Assume positive
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  intent. I assume that you are not trying
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  to hurt me. So therefore how are we just
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  going to deal with the Apple problem?
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  If you have a relationship where you would say something like why
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  should I reward bad behavior? That's already a problem and you
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  should be going into couples counseling because there's a lot
• 12:53
  of animosity and a lot of unhealthy communication going on
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  and that should needs to be addressed and him lying about
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  the apples is really no worse than you being a bitch about the
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  apples. So I mean, really, it's really a
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  race to the bottom. No Victors in this.
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  Not not the two of you certainly not the children, witnessing it.
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  So that's a time to get into couples counseling.
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  And in general, this is taking a turn, but in general, sometimes
• 13:20
  people say what is normal healthy relationship
• 13:23
  communication. Look like because you've
• 13:25
  explained to me in an intake session that I certainly don't
• 13:28
  have it with my partner. And so, what does it look like?
• 13:31
  It looks like that you just kind of not mean to each other, you
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  know? Like Just doesn't come up.
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  There's not a, you're not like waiting to, like have your
• 13:38
  perfect moment of rebuttal. You're not waiting to, like,
• 13:42
  have the ideal retort, you know, like it's just you're being nice
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  kind of like a friend, you know, so it's like a friend but also
• 13:50
  there's like a romantic connection that, of course,
• 13:53
  waxes and wanes because, you know, menstrual cycle of one
• 13:57
  party involved. And, you know, people being at
• 14:00
  different stages, with different amounts of children and
• 14:02
  different ages and all sorts of things.
• 14:04
  And not being in the honeymoon stage, but in general, a healthy
• 14:07
  relationship, looks like a baseline of friendship where
• 14:10
  people are not either trying to overtly or covertly attack one
• 14:14
  another or advertise, why they are better than the other person
• 14:18
  or compete to the death about who is suffering more.
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  There's just not any of that undertone.
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  It's like how you would act with a friend and so the thing is is
• 14:29
  when you grow up seeing a lot of drama in your home growing up
• 14:32
  and you And it's always this nasty, arguing,
• 14:38
  passive-aggressive backbiting, like, whatever it is, then you
• 14:41
  think that that's how relationships have to be and
• 14:44
  underlying, and assembling and hiding?
• 14:47
  Whatever the case, maybe you grew up thinking, that's how
• 14:49
  relationships are that's your template for relationships,
• 14:52
  right? But no really like, it's, it's
• 14:55
  more like a sitcom, you know, like when you grow up in your in
• 14:59
  a dysfunctional, family, you watch a sitcom like family ties
• 15:01
  or something you're like us. Crazy shit that's just
• 15:04
  Television over. He really acts like that and
• 15:06
  then you get out in the world and little by little, you start
• 15:09
  to see that there are families that act like those families.
• 15:12
  Are they as funny all the time. Certainly not.
• 15:15
  But in terms of like are they nice?
• 15:17
  Do the cops just like, never get called to ever.
• 15:20
  Yes, you know, like yes, like he's anybody like, you know,
• 15:25
  screaming and threatening and throwing know like, just like
• 15:29
  our family ties, you know? And so if you need to really
• 15:34
  like You can if that's like a big Epiphany to you, then you
• 15:39
  really could benefit from therapy, where you go in and
• 15:41
  you're like, we have no idea how to be in a healthy relationship.
• 15:45
  Neither of us. So I want and apparently we're
• 15:48
  never supposed to be sniping at each other.
• 15:50
  So then we're at a fucking lost. We really don't know what to do,
• 15:53
  because if you take out the drama and Conflict for my
• 15:55
  relationship, we barely talk to one another.
• 15:57
  So we need help and that there would be no shame in that.
• 16:01
  Any couples. Counselor would just love to
• 16:03
  work with those motivated people.
• 16:04
  People who want to not fuck up their own kids.
• 16:07
  So that is something that you should do.
• 16:09
  If you're thinking man, wow, wewe barely talk to one another
• 16:13
  and or whenever we do talk we fight and or there's always this
• 16:16
  crazy subtext to our communication where we're
• 16:19
  jockeying for power or for who's better or who's worse or
• 16:22
  whatever. If you are in that situation and
• 16:24
  you very rarely feel like friends, then that is a problem
• 16:29
  because the basic foundation of the relationship needs to be a
• 16:32
  friendship for it to work. You're doing a lot of stress.
• 16:35
  Shit, you're raising children, you have jobs, you have money,
• 16:37
  you got to manage it, whatever and you got like, a lot of
• 16:40
  different things, a lot of pots, and the oven or whatever,
• 16:44
  burners something. But, you know, it has to be a
• 16:48
  basic foundational friendship. And that includes mutual respect
• 16:52
  where nobody is trying to out another person or anything.
• 16:57
  And if you act like that and then you approach your partner
• 16:59
  about their little eyes. So if you're always kind of an
• 17:02
  asshole and then you tell your partner not to lie, You're gonna
• 17:05
  have a much, you know, weaker leg to stand on then if you
• 17:10
  start your own kindness and Grace initiative, trying to be
• 17:15
  kind and supportive and team like and then you approach them
• 17:19
  and say, hey you know what, really bothers me when you lie
• 17:22
  to me about whether it's sleeping or apples or anything.
• 17:25
  All right. So hopefully this was useful to
• 17:27
  you guys and you got something out of it and I will talk to you
• 17:31
  all soon. Please subscribe.
• 17:33
  Bye bye.