Latest / Libido Lounge / Why Being a Nice Guy Isn’t Helping You | Jason Lange Explains the Truth

Transcript

Why Being a Nice Guy Isn’t Helping You | Jason Lange Explains the Truth · Libido Lounge

• 0:01
  We're all born with two needs in there.
• 0:05
  One is attachment.
• 0:06
  We also have a need for authenticity.
• 0:08
  Jason Lang is a men's embodiment coach, group facilitator, and evolutionary guide.
• 0:14
  He helps men drop in and wake up to deeper clarity in their life's purpose and
• 0:19
  relationships.
• 0:20
  He believes every man should be in a men's group for the growth and support opportunities
• 0:24
  they provide.
• 0:26
  Jason is a certified no more mister nice guy coach and he has trained and studied with
• 0:32
  leaders such as John Weineland, doctor Robert Glover, John Poe Roshi, Trip Lanier, and Ken
• 0:39
  Wilbur who I
• 0:41
  Where nice guy syndrome comes into play is what happens when those two needs become opposed.
• 0:48
  I'm constantly putting other people's well-being and needs above my own.
• 0:53
  I'm often drowning in shame, resentment, frustration.
• 0:59
  So it seems like it's the masculine version of that.
• 1:02
  Nice guys are very rarely direct.
• 1:05
  They're just dying.
• 1:06
  They feel so alone and so terrified of bringing that forward.
• 1:11
  So it can be, you know, a pretty miserable place for a for a lot of men.
• 1:18
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  that direct link.
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  So wanttowantit.com, the name of my book.
• 2:19
  Now back to our show.
• 2:20
  Hey, everybody.
• 2:21
  Welcome to another episode of the lounge.
• 2:24
  I am just thrilled to introduce you to Jason today.
• 2:27
  We're gonna talk about a really important thing.
• 2:30
  We're gonna talk about the masculine today, and we're gonna talk about the nice guy syndrome as
• 2:35
  well as some of the things that we see happen sometimes to the masculine and to men in
• 2:42
  general around sexual shame, around non embodied emotions, around really how to
• 2:48
  cultivate for men, how to cultivate yourselves better as a man to be able to show up more
• 2:54
  fully in your own lives as well as more fully with your relationships.
• 2:58
  So to help us with this, we have Jason.
• 3:01
  So welcome to the show today, Jason.
• 3:03
  It's so great to have you.
• 3:05
  Yeah.
• 3:05
  So excited to be here.
• 3:06
  Thank you for having me.
• 3:08
  Yeah.
• 3:08
  It's a pleasure.
• 3:09
  So I wanna know, to start off, because I think, you know, so many people, when we say nice guy
• 3:14
  syndrome, you know, I have my thoughts around that.
• 3:16
  I'm sure everybody has their initial, like, thoughts around what this essentially means.
• 3:21
  But before we open up this conversation, let's just make sure we're all on the same page here.
• 3:25
  So how do you define nice guy syndrome?
• 3:29
  Yeah.
• 3:30
  So this is a term that my my friend and mentor, doctor Robert Glover, popularized in his book,
• 3:35
  No More Mister Nice Guy.
• 3:36
  And the the simplest way I often describe it is, you know, when we're born, we have two
• 3:42
  primary needs.
• 3:43
  We're really unique as humans in that because of how big our brain is, we're actually born,
• 3:49
  like literally a whole trimester early compared to most animals.
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  So we particularly come out extremely vulnerable.
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  Right?
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  We cannot take care of ourselves early on.
• 4:01
  But we're all born with two needs in there.
• 4:04
  One is attachment.
• 4:06
  Right?
• 4:06
  I cannot survive without my primary caregivers, staying connected to them as a young infant and
• 4:13
  then even on into a young child often.
• 4:16
  But we also have a need for authenticity.
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  Hey, here's what I need.
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  Here's the truth of my body, my feeling right now.
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  I need to express what I need and get what I need.
• 4:27
  Where nice guys syndrome comes into play is what happens when those two needs become
• 4:33
  opposed.
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  So in order to keep the relationship with my primary caregivers alive, I start to cut off my
• 4:44
  authenticity.
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  Because if I was to express myself truly or ask for something, it might threaten that
• 4:51
  relationship.
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  Or perhaps, my parent doesn't have the capacity to even give me that.
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  So it's when we shut down our authenticity, often from a young age, and where often what
• 5:04
  I've seen is the direction of attunement is reversed from child to parent, rather than
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  parent to child.
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  So as a young boy, I'm reading mom or dad signals for, oh, where are they at right now?
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  Who do I need to be?
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  How do I need to behave right now to keep them well regulated?
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  And it starts young, but then it stays with us as we as we grow.
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  So there's an attachment wounding part of that.
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  And then the other thing I would just say is culturally then, we're in this unique
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  generation as as men where we have basically all of human history to point to examples of
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  what happens when men are exclusively exclusively identified with their authenticity.
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  This is what I need.
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  This is what I want.
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  Which often means they're connected to their bodies, but not often connected to their
• 6:01
  hearts.
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  Such men can often cause a lot of damage to women, to children, to environment.
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  And a lot of guys I work with that are so called nice guys grew up around a very volatile
• 6:15
  or angry or, man who did not know how to handle his sexual energy and just was completely
• 6:25
  cheating and, you know, whatever that might be.
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  And so and then it's gotten even stronger since Me Too highlighting a lot of that pathology.
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  There are a lot of men who either experienced that type of man firsthand, or saw him in the
• 6:39
  culture, and say, I don't wanna be that.
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  I'm I don't wanna be that guy.
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  And so what they do is they swing to the total other side of the pendulum of, I never wanna
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  make anyone feel unsafe.
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  I don't wanna just go after a woman because I'm sexually attracted to her.
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  I I always want other people to feel safe.
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  So it's often those two kind of facets, some men are just one or the other, oftentimes
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  they're both, create this paradigm where as a grown man, you know, we've all heard the
• 7:11
  platitude, happy happy wife, happy life.
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  It's I'm constantly putting other people's well-being and needs above my own.
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  I'm often drowning in shame, resentment, frustration, but I don't bring it forward
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  because I always wanna keep the other person happy.
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  It it can also be another just manifestation of some deep codependency often, of I'm just gonna
• 7:35
  do whatever to keep you happy, so you'll keep me around.
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  And what that ends up doing is, paradoxically, creating some fairly not nice guys who are
• 7:45
  always trying to put other people first, but then often hold just like a ton of resentment,
• 7:51
  get angry, get mopey, can be manipulative, which is a big eye opener for a lot of nice
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  guys.
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  This realization, I have all these expectations I'm putting on my wife or my coworkers for them
• 8:07
  to do things for me, but I'm not actually asking for them.
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  I'm just silently doing all this stuff for them and co opting them into an agreement they never
• 8:16
  made.
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  And then when I don't get my half back, get to be mad or withdrawn or whatever that might be.
• 8:21
  And so it shows up in some powerful ways, but two I think we'll probably talk about a lot
• 8:27
  here are often disconnected from sexuality, desire, and power and boundaries, and the
• 8:35
  capacity to just state, hey, here's what I want, and here's what I'm not okay with.
• 8:40
  Yeah.
• 8:40
  It's it's a really helpful kind of overview, and and I hate the the happy wife, happy life
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  thing.
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  My boyfriend and I have talked for hours about the problem that that actually brings to both
• 8:52
  partners in a relationship.
• 8:53
  And it sounds in some way like the definition of of nice guy, if we're going to boil that
• 8:58
  down, we could say and tell me if this is accurate with your work, but it sounds to me
• 9:03
  like we could almost use the psychological term, the ex the externalized locus of control
• 9:09
  where, like, okay, meaning that with an externalized locus of control, that means, hey,
• 9:14
  the world around me more dictates how I feel, how I operate, how I show up in the world
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  versus an internalized locus of control, which is much more healthy, means that those kind of
• 9:25
  things are generated from internal.
• 9:27
  So is that is that accurate?
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  Could we say that most nice guys have this tendency to be like, oh, the world around me
• 9:34
  is, like, predicting my world instead of me and my my showing up, and the power inside of me is
• 9:42
  actually dictating, you know, how I integrate with the world around me.
• 9:46
  Is that accurate?
• 9:47
  100%.
• 9:48
  Yeah.
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  Whether it's my partner's nervous system, I attune to that, or just this nice guys often
• 9:55
  have this kind of chameleon like thing.
• 9:57
  They become whatever they need to be Yeah.
• 9:59
  For the moment to kind of keep the peace, so to speak.
• 10:02
  And they think that's being nice, but it's often actually creates a lot of distrust you
• 10:09
  start to feel, and resentment and intolerance often in partners when they feel like, like,
• 10:15
  what is going on here?
• 10:16
  But that that's a perfect way to explain it.
• 10:19
  Okay.
• 10:19
  Beautiful.
• 10:20
  And then I wanna, talk a little bit about and you mentioned this a little bit around kinda
• 10:24
  high level ways that that somebody could recognize this.
• 10:27
  So I think there's, you know, there can be there's, like, the nice guy syndrome, and then
• 10:32
  there's, like, a nice quality as a person.
• 10:35
  Right?
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  And they're not the same thing.
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  Like, somebody can be very in their masculine and, you know, assert their boundaries and and
• 10:41
  all these things and still be a kind hearted human being.
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  Right?
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  So I wanna make sure we're differentiating between these sorts of things for people.
• 10:49
  And you mentioned, like, power as one reason and kind of, like, this lack of of internalized
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  power.
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  For anybody that's listening and, like, thinking around, like, wow.
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  Am I responding that way?
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  Am I you know, do I have this nice guy syndrome thing?
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  Like, what are other, like, characteristics or questions that that men could be asking
• 11:08
  themselves to to learn, like, if this is if something they're doing?
• 11:13
  Yeah.
• 11:15
  So doctor Glover coined this term that I I kinda spoke about, which is a huge one that is
• 11:19
  usually like a, oh, matrix moment for a lot of guys is Yeah.
• 11:22
  Do I do I run a lot of covert contracts in my life?
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  So do I have secret agreements in my mind?
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  And, you know, the the accrued version of this that is one of the most basic ones is, you
• 11:36
  know, I bought you dinner, you're supposed to give me sex back.
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  Mhmm.
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  Like, dating world.
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  That a lot of men run, you know, there's that's kinda silently running there.
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  But in bigger ways, yeah, I'm doing all these things for you, giving you compliments, doing
• 11:49
  favors, because I expect something back, but I've never been vulnerable to ask you for it.
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  So I'm running all these covert contracts that if I'm really honest with myself, I'm expecting
• 12:03
  something from you back you never agreed to.
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  And that's a big big one.
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  Conflict avoidance is huge for nice guys.
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  Just being unwilling to bring up conflict in relationships in particular, and oftentimes
• 12:19
  being unwilling to directly and safely address anger.
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  And instead, it gets, like, shoved down and comes out as kind of a frustrated resentment.
• 12:33
  You know, constant issues of self worth are often deep signs of nice guy syndrome, that,
• 12:42
  you know, I have to be liked in order to be a a good person.
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  If people don't like me, then, oh, that's a problem.
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  Right?
• 12:49
  So I need people to like me is a big one.
• 12:51
  And, you know, what I've often seen is, yeah, just feeling cut off from our sexual power and
• 13:00
  desire as men, and and kinda dissociating from it and thinking it's bad is often a almost all
• 13:08
  nice guys have some version of that, that they're a little averse to the part of them
• 13:14
  that is just attracted to women, and likes naked bodies, and wants to have sex with them.
• 13:19
  Like a very human thing that all this shame and layering, get gets gets put over.
• 13:25
  But, yeah, oftentimes it's this feeling of, everyone else is winning, why am I not?
• 13:33
  I'm trying so hard, I'm such a nice guy.
• 13:36
  Right?
• 13:36
  Or nice guys are often the guys that often kinda end up in that space dating of women who
• 13:41
  are like, yeah, you're really nice, and I'm just not feeling the chemistry.
• 13:45
  Because the truth is nice guys aren't very connected to themselves, they're not very
• 13:50
  trustable because they're running all these covert contracts a lot of time, and people pick
• 13:53
  up on that.
• 13:54
  But then the nice guy's like, well, I'm being nice.
• 13:56
  Like, what's going on here?
• 13:57
  So those are some big things.
• 13:59
  Nice guys also, I have found do tend to have, even more than most men, heavy ruminating
• 14:07
  minds.
• 14:08
  Just constantly getting in the thought loops of, what did that mean when they said that?
• 14:14
  Like, what?
• 14:14
  They just overthink things so profoundly most of the time.
• 14:18
  Mhmm.
• 14:19
  Yeah.
• 14:20
  In many ways, it reminds me of what I see as, like, the female helper syndrome.
• 14:25
  It's like the masculine version of that.
• 14:27
  Right?
• 14:27
  Whereas, like, the female helper syndrome is that person that's, like, constantly, like,
• 14:32
  over helping and over, like, that over nurturing so much that it's at expense of
• 14:37
  herself.
• 14:38
  And then there's kind of, like you're saying, there's that subtle thing that goes in her head
• 14:42
  around, oh, well, I did this and this and this, so there's that that internal, like, well, I
• 14:46
  should be getting this back and, like, that should mean I get that back rub or that should
• 14:50
  mean I get this vacation and look what I did for you and all of those kind of subtle
• 14:54
  contracts, and she wears herself out because she's doing this without an actual
• 14:59
  conversation, without, you know, with it's all like this subconscious type of thing.
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  Now let's get back to our episode.
• 15:59
  So it seems like it's the masculine version of that.
• 16:03
  Totally.
• 16:03
  I've heard it, you know, nice guy and good girl.
• 16:06
  Right.
• 16:07
  You know, and whether you're man or woman, it's it's kind of that energy I'm I'm giving to get,
• 16:13
  but I'm not being that here's the other way to put it.
• 16:15
  Nice guys are very rarely direct.
• 16:18
  Right.
• 16:18
  They are not direct.
• 16:19
  They will go all around, but they won't go direct to, hey, I'm attracted to you.
• 16:26
  Or hey, what you said yesterday didn't feel good to me.
• 16:29
  Or hey, I'm I can't do that.
• 16:31
  I'm not coming to pick you up at the airport.
• 16:33
  Right?
• 16:33
  They'll they'll just they'll avoid that at all costs because sometimes that directness, you
• 16:38
  know, can lead to that confrontation, which a lot of nice guys are just deeply fearful of.
• 16:44
  Because if I bring up something confronting, I might lose the relationship.
• 16:48
  Right?
• 16:49
  And that's terrifying to nice guys.
• 16:52
  So it's it's pretty obvious to see some, you know, high soup you know, high level impacts on
• 16:58
  their, you know, the relationship in the human and the nice guy syndrome.
• 17:01
  Right?
• 17:01
  So it's like, I think some obvious things are lack of depth in a relationship, you know,
• 17:08
  clearly not getting one's needs met, like, the harm in the relationship around not being able
• 17:14
  to be more overt around needs, around preferences, around desires, around, you know,
• 17:20
  just healthy communication.
• 17:22
  But what do you find are, like, other, say, less obvious things that are that happen, you
• 17:29
  know, personally and interrelationally with the nice guy syndrome?
• 17:33
  What are the impacts?
• 17:35
  Yeah.
• 17:36
  I mean, just emotionally, often, I've kinda alluded to this, a lot of resentment and
• 17:41
  frustration.
• 17:41
  Yeah.
• 17:42
  Like, there's like a wound up enter like, I'm a nice guy, but you can kinda tell I'm wound up.
• 17:48
  Like, there's like a edge to nice guys, because they hold a lot of resentment, a lot of
• 17:53
  frustration there.
• 17:54
  Why am I not getting what I want?
• 17:56
  Right?
• 17:57
  It's kinda the feeling there, and it can be a kind of a subversive victim energy to that,
• 18:01
  which a lot of nice guys sometimes carry.
• 18:04
  Often, yeah, very inauthentic relationships.
• 18:07
  Right?
• 18:07
  Because they're not actually being honest, so they kinda fall into things that aren't really
• 18:12
  aligned with who they are.
• 18:14
  And then, you know, when I was dealing with this, then then there's kind of this one foot
• 18:18
  in, one foot out energy around all kinds of stuff.
• 18:22
  Because, like, I don't know, do I really wanna be here?
• 18:25
  Well, I don't wanna upset them.
• 18:27
  So I'm neither happy.
• 18:28
  The people I'm with are neither happy.
• 18:30
  Like, pretty terrible.
• 18:32
  Exhaustion from just no capacity to set boundaries In the family, with kids, with
• 18:41
  spouses, and absolutely in the workplace.
• 18:45
  Right?
• 18:45
  Often working a lot, but not feeling fairly compensated for it, because I just always say
• 18:51
  yes as a nice guy, and I don't even know how to connect to my own inner worth enough to ask for
• 18:58
  the raise.
• 18:59
  Yeah.
• 18:59
  Or say, hey, I wanna be fairly compensated for this.
• 19:02
  So there's like a, often a financial struggle to it that's that's pretty big.
• 19:07
  Tons of sexual frustration of just not knowing how to express this part of myself, but it's in
• 19:14
  there, then it gets pushed into shame and porn addiction, often huge for a lot of nice guys,
• 19:21
  and, loneliness.
• 19:24
  You know, that would be the other big one, think, with that with those inauthentic
• 19:28
  relationships is there's so much fear about revealing what I'm actually feeling or thinking
• 19:38
  that I hold it all in.
• 19:40
  But then when I'm holding it all in, there's not a whole lot for people to connect to.
• 19:43
  It's like kinda, oh, that was it's like like nice guys kinda have like a I call it, you
• 19:48
  know, American McDonald's energy.
• 19:50
  Hi.
• 19:50
  How are you doing?
• 19:51
  Good.
• 19:51
  How are you doing?
• 19:52
  Good.
• 19:52
  It's like pleasant, but you don't think about that conversation a day later.
• 19:58
  Right?
• 19:58
  You would kinda know we're bullshooting each other a little bit.
• 20:01
  There's like a little artifice there.
• 20:02
  And that's how a lot of nice guys will live.
• 20:04
  Mhmm.
• 20:05
  And then meanwhile, inside, they're just dying.
• 20:08
  They're just dying.
• 20:09
  They feel so alone and so terrified of bringing that forward.
• 20:14
  So it can be a, you know, a pretty miserable place for a for a lot of men.
• 20:20
  Do you see a relationship at all with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, anything
• 20:25
  like that with us men?
• 20:28
  Completely.
• 20:29
  Mhmm.
• 20:29
  Again, this is where I think the shame component comes in.
• 20:33
  And this extra pressure for performance, is often huge for men.
• 20:40
  A a just a problem some nice guys I've worked with particularly come in of so insecure, they
• 20:47
  wanna do sex right.
• 20:49
  Yeah.
• 20:50
  So then sex is more like this instruction manual of, oh my God, I gotta do this, I gotta
• 20:55
  do this, I gotta do this, does she want this, is this good?
• 20:57
  And they're way up in their heads, and so, yeah, they'll they'll they'll they'll go soft,
• 21:02
  they'll ejaculate too fast Mhmm.
• 21:04
  Or their partner just won't feel them.
• 21:06
  Their partner, you know, they're they're in some sense asking so much for, is this okay?
• 21:15
  Is this okay?
• 21:16
  Is this okay?
• 21:17
  That they're they're partners in the lead the whole time.
• 21:20
  And sometimes, partners of nice guys I've worked with are like, sometimes I just want you
• 21:24
  to take charge.
• 21:25
  But they don't feel comfortable in owning that in themselves.
• 21:30
  And, you know, nervous system wise that right?
• 21:33
  Erections for us guys are so interesting because it's an erection, but it requires a
• 21:38
  parasympathetic state.
• 21:39
  Right?
• 21:40
  Our blood vessels have to relax.
• 21:41
  They just have to relax.
• 21:43
  And to last longer, what do we have to do?
• 21:46
  We have to relax.
• 21:48
  Yep.
• 21:49
  But when we're stuck up in our head and highly ruminating and thinking about doing it right,
• 21:55
  worried about performance.
• 21:57
  Oh my god, if I ejaculate too soon, what's she gonna think?
• 22:00
  Am I not a man?
• 22:01
  Or some guys, I can't ejaculate at all.
• 22:03
  Is she gonna think something's wrong with me?
• 22:05
  Or my god, I'm soft now.
• 22:06
  Like, this terror goes through men, takes them up into this anxious place and makes it harder
• 22:11
  to keep keep the erections they want.
• 22:14
  So I see a lot of these guys really, really struggling with that.
• 22:19
  And, you know, just not fully being comfortable with their own sexuality or sex in general.
• 22:26
  Yeah.
• 22:26
  So a lot of nice guys, I have found tend to use a lot more kinda, I don't know, like euphemisms
• 22:36
  for even sexual organs or sex.
• 22:40
  Like, there's a I'm even gonna kinda avoid that.
• 22:43
  And it can sometimes just kinda have this, like, boyish energy.
• 22:48
  And, you know, it can be a huge edge for them to actually name, like, yeah, this is my cock,
• 22:55
  right?
• 22:55
  Love my cock, it's turned on right now.
• 22:58
  Because there's there's just so much locked away there, so there's often a lot, a lot of
• 23:03
  sexual shame I I find powering a lot of that.
• 23:07
  It's it's like the sexual shame combined with the ruminating mind is is almost like a lose
• 23:13
  lose situation for for an erection.
• 23:17
  Yeah.
• 23:17
  Yeah.
• 23:17
  I can really see the self fulfilling prophecy in that from a standpoint of, you you know,
• 23:22
  just females.
• 23:23
  Like, a huge thing that I find in females I work with that allows for such great
• 23:28
  connection, especially sexually, is the ability to feel safe.
• 23:33
  And, you know, and females are so innately good with their intuition and sensing that.
• 23:39
  So if a man is not authentically showing up and he's not authentic in itself in his
• 23:44
  masculinity, like, the ability for females to feel that even subconsciously and impact their
• 23:50
  ability to feel safe, and therefore their ability to feel like they can show up in, you
• 23:56
  know, in their femininity.
• 23:57
  It's like this Yeah.
• 23:58
  Real vicious cycle that happens.
• 24:00
  So it's so true because it's, you know, obviously I'm not a woman, but, like, if I
• 24:08
  don't trust my sexuality as a man, how are you gonna trust it?
• 24:11
  If I think it's dirty, and I'm like, you know, and this is this creates, you know, creepy nice
• 24:16
  guy syndrome sometimes, like, I'm so ashamed of the fact I'm attracted at this woman to this
• 24:21
  woman Mhmm.
• 24:22
  That instead of just making eye contact with her, there's kind of the I'm peeking out of the
• 24:29
  corner of my eye.
• 24:30
  Like, I'm checking her out, but I don't want her to know I'm checking her out.
• 24:33
  And that's often a lot less comfortable.
• 24:36
  Oh, yeah.
• 24:36
  Know?
• 24:37
  I've heard from a lot of women.
• 24:39
  It's just like, I I don't like, do you want something for me?
• 24:41
  I'm not sure what's going on.
• 24:43
  Versus, you know It's a
• 24:44
  creepy vibe.
• 24:45
  Yeah.
• 24:45
  It's a creepy vibe because it's, I'm not comfortable with the fact that I'm attracted to
• 24:50
  this woman.
• 24:50
  Right?
• 24:51
  So how's she gonna be comfortable with that?
• 24:53
  And so that happens.
• 24:54
  You're right.
• 24:55
  Like, if I'm not relaxed, often my feminine partner won't be relaxed.
• 24:59
  And then that same thing, this is the thing that blows a lot of guys away, and I'm so glad
• 25:03
  you named it, is, a lot of nice guys are fully aware, have done read the books, and they're
• 25:09
  like, oh, yeah.
• 25:10
  Women need to feel safe in order to open up to their sexuality, but they totally miss that
• 25:15
  they have to have the same thing.
• 25:18
  Men need to feel safe so we can relax, so our blood vessels can dilate, and and and we can
• 25:24
  have that erection.
• 25:25
  And where a lot of guy then this is like the again, where it starts to eat its own tail for
• 25:30
  men.
• 25:31
  So much in sexual shame, their main sexual relationship has been with porn.
• 25:36
  Men in the porn station, you know, in pornography, they're hard, on demand, for as
• 25:44
  long as they want, and it creates this false story for men of what they're supposed to be
• 25:50
  able to do that they're comparing themselves to.
• 25:53
  Then that just makes it even worse, which makes them feel more shame, which drives them more to
• 25:57
  the point, and it just it just starts this endlessly endlessly bad loop to the bottom of
• 26:03
  actually, no, that's not natural.
• 26:04
  Even, you know, a fully vital man, sometimes he's gonna lose his erection and it'll come
• 26:09
  back and it's okay.
• 26:10
  Or sometimes you don't feel safe.
• 26:12
  Yeah.
• 26:13
  Another thing I see hurting hurting a lot of nice guys that causes the shame is this again,
• 26:19
  I think it kinda comes from porn, and it comes from kinda macho man culture, is the, oh, I'm
• 26:26
  supposed to take sex whenever it's available for me.
• 26:30
  Right.
• 26:31
  Right?
• 26:31
  If sex is available to me, I'm guys, guys just always go for it.
• 26:35
  We're horndogs.
• 26:36
  So I gotta go for it.
• 26:37
  And so a lot of nice guys I work with end up getting into sexual situations they don't
• 26:43
  actually wanna be in, they completely ignore the signs in their body, and then they wonder
• 26:49
  why they have performance issues.
• 26:51
  Versus that, no, it's okay.
• 26:53
  Just because sex is available to you from a woman doesn't mean you have to want it.
• 26:57
  It doesn't make you less of a man.
• 26:59
  And that is like a massive reboot to a lot of guys, and they're like, wait, I don't have to
• 27:04
  always be thinking about that.
• 27:06
  And it's like, no, you could take that pressure off.
• 27:08
  And they're like, oh, okay, great.
• 27:11
  Such a relief to so many guys.
• 27:13
  Yeah.
• 27:14
  It's so well said, and I just breaking down the stories that I think so many people had in
• 27:18
  their head around just what we've been told.
• 27:22
  Right?
• 27:22
  Like you said, like what we've told in taught in porn, what we've been taught in in society
• 27:25
  around what sex should be like or the the turn on should be like for the masculine, so much
• 27:32
  more.
• 27:32
  And I wanna invite everybody to part two of this conversation, which you'll find in the
• 27:38
  show notes below how to access.
• 27:40
  And part two, we're gonna talk about how to repair from this.
• 27:44
  We're gonna talk about what to do.
• 27:45
  We're gonna talk about how to actually engage more with your emotional health and, you know,
• 27:51
  the healthy expression of emotions in the masculine.
• 27:55
  And before we do that, I wanna make sure that you know that Jason has discovery calls that he
• 28:01
  can do for people, and they're totally free, that people that are interested in working with
• 28:06
  him.
• 28:06
  So can you tell us a little bit about those?
• 28:08
  And we'll include that link for everybody on how to get a free discovery call with Jason in
• 28:11
  the show notes.
• 28:12
  Yeah.
• 28:13
  What what happens is you can book a call with me.
• 28:15
  We'll dive in for about an hour and just kinda get to know you.
• 28:19
  Honestly, what what's going on?
• 28:20
  What's your truth?
• 28:21
  Where do you feel stuck?
• 28:22
  Particularly, a lot of guys I work with, it is around sex, dating, and relationships, or
• 28:27
  marriage.
• 28:28
  And we're gonna find out what's not working, and we're gonna get you clear about, okay, what
• 28:32
  would those next steps be?
• 28:34
  They might be with me.
• 28:35
  They might not be with me.
• 28:36
  But you're gonna have a roadmap, right, of, okay, here's where I can start.
• 28:41
  Here's where I can move.
• 28:42
  And if nothing else, I'm just gonna hear your story.
• 28:46
  I've heard hundreds.
• 28:47
  And, just the feeling of knowing men aren't alone, like, oh, I'm not the first one that's
• 28:53
  had this problem, and I can talk about it, sometimes that alone changes a guy's life.
• 28:58
  So, you know, take take the risk and and reach out if this is a place you feel really stuck.
• 29:03
  Thank you.
• 29:04
  And thank you for that amazing offering for everybody.
• 29:06
  I hope everybody takes advantage of that.
• 29:09
  I think there's so much to be said about normalizing the conversation and just, like,
• 29:13
  making it less taboo, and, you know, the first amazing step is having a conversation and
• 29:18
  getting help and support.
• 29:19
  So I hope you all will take advantage of that with Jason.
• 29:21
  Please do sign up for a part two in the show notes below as well, and we'll see you all on
• 29:26
  another episode of the lounge.
• 29:28
  Ciao for now.
• 29:32
  Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
• 29:34
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 29:35
  Please share this with your friends.
• 29:37
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.