Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 216. When Desire Goes Quiet: 10 ways to Reconnect With Sex, Emotion & Intimacy

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216. When Desire Goes Quiet: 10 ways to Reconnect With Sex, Emotion & Intimacy · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

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Speaker 1: Apodje Production.
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Speaker 2: Welcome to the Sheep Risers Podcast. I'm Ashy and I'm Tiana.
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Speaker 3: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
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Speaker 3: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
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Speaker 2: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
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Speaker 2: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
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Speaker 2: else is too afraid to talk about. Get ready for
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Speaker 2: your next level of self.
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Speaker 4: Let's talk about sex, baby, Let's talk about you and me.
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Speaker 3: Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. From wherever it is
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Speaker 3: you're plugging into this episode from back with your hosts
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Speaker 3: Ashley and Tiana for another episode, we want to talk
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Speaker 3: about sex today.
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Speaker 2: We love talking about sex. You guys love hearing about
0:49
Speaker 2: it because it's always our most downloaded episode.
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Speaker 3: But you know also why we love it because it
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Speaker 3: is so taboo that everyone is so scared of touching
0:55
Speaker 3: this topic. And it's just not something that we are
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Speaker 3: scared of touching this topic or rubbing, okay, so penetrating today.
1:06
Speaker 3: So we want to talk about what happens when desire
1:09
Speaker 3: goes out in your intimate relationship with yourself and when
1:13
Speaker 3: you feel like you're really struggling to connect with emotion,
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Speaker 3: sex and intimacy as a whole. So we're going to
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Speaker 3: give you our top ten tips of how we both
1:22
Speaker 3: in our own ways connect to our selves sex and
1:25
Speaker 3: intimacy as a whole, and what you can do to
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Speaker 3: kind of like get that flowback.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, because I think of all the time we were like, oh,
1:31
Speaker 2: I've just got a really low libido, and I'm like,
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Speaker 2: do you or are there some things missing with yourself
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Speaker 2: with your partner, communication, resentment, like talking about your desires, kids,
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Speaker 2: justsregulated nervous system. Like I don't like that blanket statement
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Speaker 2: of like I just have a low libido, Like there's
1:46
Speaker 2: reasons why you're not desiring sex and you're not enjoying it.
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Speaker 2: And I believe there's so many different things you can
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Speaker 2: do to get back in touch with your body, desire it,
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Speaker 2: and actually really enjoy it. Yeah, I'm a mom of two.
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Speaker 2: I get it. There's different phases you go through where
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Speaker 2: your kids are up all night, they're sick, you both work,
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Speaker 2: and you come home you've got nothing left at the
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Speaker 2: end of the day. I totally get that feeling. I've
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Speaker 2: been those spaces before as well. But I also know
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Speaker 2: that you've actively got to put energy into it, otherwise
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Speaker 2: it does die off. Yeah, and you make up stories
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Speaker 2: as to why you're not connected. But it's so important
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Speaker 2: for your intimate relationship. Otherwise you're just passing ships or
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Speaker 2: your roommates. Yeah, and your co parenting in the same house.
2:22
Speaker 2: It doesn't feel good for anyone. Yeah, having sexual sensual
2:26
Speaker 2: energy is a life force.
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Speaker 4: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: It makes you feel so good, it makes you feel
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Speaker 2: super connected. It's good for your health, it's good for
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Speaker 2: stress relief, good for sleep's skin and glow everything. It's pleasure. Yeah,
2:37
Speaker 2: but all of us really enjoy doing Yet we make
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Speaker 2: up so many stories as to why we can't explore that,
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Speaker 2: why we can't deepen that, how many times we should
2:45
Speaker 2: be doing it each week, and get so much in
2:46
Speaker 2: our head when it's actually like a full body experience.
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Speaker 3: Yes, and I think it's sometimes really sad when you know,
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Speaker 3: I know a lot of you be able to resonate
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Speaker 3: with this, Like if you've been in a relationship or
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Speaker 3: a previous relationship where you've gone a couple of months
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Speaker 3: without having sex, or you know, a month withou or
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Speaker 3: whatever your limit is, and you're just like, oh, I
3:01
Speaker 3: just don't want to be in this energy anymore where
3:03
Speaker 3: it feels like we are passing ships because feeling disconnected
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Speaker 3: with your partner impacts everything.
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Speaker 1: Else in your everything.
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Speaker 3: But when you're connected to sex, intimacy and your partner,
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Speaker 3: you feel so lit up by life and you just
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Speaker 3: feel like you operate on such a higher level. And
3:17
Speaker 3: so we want to bring that back in today. If
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Speaker 3: this is where you're at, or you're feeling like you're
3:21
Speaker 3: lacking this at the moment, and we want to help
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Speaker 3: you connect back with yourself today definitely.
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Speaker 2: So the number one thing we've got down is if
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Speaker 2: you're not in the mood for sex, sometimes we can
3:29
Speaker 2: label is that something's actually wrong, but we believe that
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Speaker 2: maybe your body just needs more safety, more softness, and
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Speaker 2: less pressure around how it's meant to look or feel.
3:39
Speaker 2: And I think a really important question to ask yourself
3:41
Speaker 2: if you're in an intimate relationship is what has been
3:44
Speaker 2: going on outside of the bedroom? Yeah, how are you connecting?
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Speaker 2: What are those micro moments looking like, what are your
3:50
Speaker 2: stress levels? What are you doing to lower your stress levels?
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Speaker 2: Because what happens outside of the bedroom will contribute to
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Speaker 2: what happens or doesn't happen inside the bedroom. Doesn't it
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Speaker 2: everything for sure, whether that's your flirting, like I said,
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Speaker 2: your stress levels, what you're eating, you're sleeping, how you're communicating,
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Speaker 2: resentment that's there or not there, talking about that, that's
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Speaker 2: a big question that if I ever go through those,
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Speaker 2: I'm like, I'm gonna before I go to Steve, I'll
4:14
Speaker 2: always like unpack that for myself as to what's happening
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Speaker 2: in my body first, and then I can go to
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Speaker 2: him and talk about it. But staying grounded, staying healthy,
4:22
Speaker 2: keeping my stress levels low, communicating what it is that
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Speaker 2: I'm needing, craving, desiring, not just in the bedroom but outside.
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Speaker 2: If I need more support, I need more TLC, I
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Speaker 2: need to have event, I need more alone time. Whatever
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Speaker 2: it is I've got to do to like recharge me,
4:36
Speaker 2: then I've got more to overpour into my relationship. Yeah.
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Speaker 2: But if I don't communicate that, I just suffer in
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Speaker 2: silence and keep pushing on, I'm gonna be burnt out
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Speaker 2: and sex is gonna be the last thing I feel
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Speaker 2: like doing.
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Speaker 3: Oh and it's so different when you're emotionally present, just
4:48
Speaker 3: the physical act, night and day experience. I know, for me,
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Speaker 3: if I've been dysregulated, that day or that afternoon, and
4:55
Speaker 3: then I say have sex with a like say a
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Speaker 3: previous partner or something. When I'm in that moment, it's
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Speaker 3: like immediately I'm not there, Like I'm not fully present
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Speaker 3: because I'm thinking about, you know, the feeling and fully
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Speaker 3: being able to let go and genuinely be present in
5:08
Speaker 3: that moment because I'm still thinking about the dysregulation that
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Speaker 3: I had twenty minutes ago, especially if it has something
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Speaker 3: to do with my partner, it makes it a lot
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Speaker 3: harder for me to go, oh, I want to plug
5:16
Speaker 3: into you now, yeah, because I feel like there's something
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Speaker 3: that sits between us and that immediately like kills intimacy.
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Speaker 2: So what would you do if you were in that stage?
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Speaker 3: I talk about it, Yeah, because as soon as I
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Speaker 3: can talk about it, I can resolve it.
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Speaker 1: And then immediately I soften, it dissolves.
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Speaker 2: It dissolves because I'm like, Okay, cool, now we've worked
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Speaker 2: through it.
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Speaker 1: So just letting them into how you're letting them in.
5:34
Speaker 2: Yeah.
5:34
Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 3: So there was this situation that I experienced with somebody
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Speaker 3: that I was previously dating, where we were just about
5:39
Speaker 3: to have sex and he wanted to be intimate, but
5:41
Speaker 3: I knew from the moment that he kind of insinuated
5:44
Speaker 3: that that I was not in a place to be intimate.
5:47
Speaker 3: And before like obviously we were like lying down on
5:49
Speaker 3: the bed and kind of just like just hugging each
5:51
Speaker 3: other and like just it was so nice. But I
5:54
Speaker 3: just openly said, hey, like there's something that I want
5:56
Speaker 3: to bring up first, if that's okay, and then voiced
5:59
Speaker 3: what actually just regulated me and like what I was
6:01
Speaker 3: triggered about, and then it allowed us to talk about it.
6:04
Speaker 3: And then twenty minutes after that conversation happened, it was
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Speaker 3: like my body softened and I immediately felt like I
6:10
Speaker 3: can put my walls down now, and then it would
6:12
Speaker 3: allowed me to create like that closeness and that intimacy
6:14
Speaker 3: in that moment. But it was like, there's no way
6:17
Speaker 3: in that moment that I would have been able to
6:18
Speaker 3: actually connect with him where I was fully present, fully
6:22
Speaker 3: they're like fully into the moment if I hadn't resolved
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Speaker 3: at first. So I think like talking about it first,
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Speaker 3: even if it delays the process. Yeah, just be willing
6:30
Speaker 3: to acknowledge it so that you can dissolve it.
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Speaker 4: Oh.
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Speaker 2: I love that. That's really beautiful, something that really helps
6:35
Speaker 2: me get out of my head. Is obviously running a business.
6:39
Speaker 2: I feel like it's quite masculine. You've got a to
6:41
Speaker 2: do lists, there's deadlines, there's stress. You're in your head
6:44
Speaker 2: a lot, you're figuring out, you're solving problems, putting out
6:46
Speaker 2: fires like businesses and all fun and games. And then
6:49
Speaker 2: even with parenting, same things. You're putting out fires, you
6:52
Speaker 2: make sure they're survive, they're okay, they're clean, you're putting
6:54
Speaker 2: them into bed. So sometimes there needs to be like
6:56
Speaker 2: a bit of a transitional moment for me. So when
7:00
Speaker 2: like Tyler goes to bed or Taje goes to bed,
7:02
Speaker 2: like it'll be having a warm shower, putting on a silking,
7:05
Speaker 2: lighting a candle, rubbing my favorite body oil, in, taking
7:09
Speaker 2: some big breath and just like transitioning out of work
7:12
Speaker 2: and mum hat into ashy. Yeah, how do I want
7:15
Speaker 2: to show up for myself in the bedroom or just
7:17
Speaker 2: to soften into Steve. I just need a bit of
7:19
Speaker 2: a transition period. It can just be literally five minutes
7:21
Speaker 2: to shower and do all that and then putting some
7:23
Speaker 2: music on just changes my mood, changes the energy, and
7:26
Speaker 2: it just makes me feel more ready and present. To
7:29
Speaker 2: be intimatey rather than I could just do the act,
7:31
Speaker 2: but I actually want to really be there and really
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Speaker 2: enjoy it. It makes all the difference, doesn't it. And sometimes
7:35
Speaker 2: I say to Steve like I might need a little
7:37
Speaker 2: bit more warman up tonight because I'm feeling today's been hard,
7:41
Speaker 2: and He's like, lay down, I gut youa you know. Yeah.
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Speaker 1: It's like, yeah, the communication.
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Speaker 2: Communicate exactly what you need or if like one's really tired,
7:48
Speaker 2: you know that was maybe do some different positions where
7:50
Speaker 2: they can lay back and relax. It's like just communicating
7:52
Speaker 2: exactly where you're at and what you need and each
7:55
Speaker 2: given moment and not carrying any shame for that. But
7:57
Speaker 2: openly communicating is so important.
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Speaker 3: You feel like that's been a big factor into you
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Speaker 3: guys learning each other definitely, let being able to navigate
8:04
Speaker 3: the transitions between different moods.
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Speaker 2: Yes, and we're very, very open. I feel very lucky.
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Speaker 2: There's never ever been any pressure on Steve's side, Like,
8:12
Speaker 2: no matter how I'm feeling, He'll never ever pressure me
8:14
Speaker 2: make feel bad yeah, around sex, which makes me soften
8:17
Speaker 2: so much anyway, because there isn't ever that pressure and
8:19
Speaker 2: he's such a pleaser. He always just wants to make
8:21
Speaker 2: sure that I'm feeling really good and that I'm in
8:23
Speaker 2: full pleasure. So just so beautiful and quite lucky in
8:25
Speaker 2: that sense. But that's just for me. I know that
8:28
Speaker 2: helps me be really really there with my body if
8:30
Speaker 2: I just do a couple of things for myself to
8:31
Speaker 2: connect with me that over pause into him. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.
8:35
Speaker 3: If a man's pressuring you make you feel guilty, like
8:37
Speaker 3: what my previous oh someone good day did Fox don't recommend?
8:42
Speaker 2: Do you not recommend?
8:44
Speaker 3: Like literally made me feel guilty and like caused fights
8:46
Speaker 3: because I wouldn't want to Yeah, no, thank you anyway.
8:49
Speaker 3: Side No, So something that really helps me is like
8:53
Speaker 3: touch without an agenda. So I find it kind of
8:56
Speaker 3: similar to what you were saying about a transition period.
8:58
Speaker 3: I find for me, I operate a lot in my
9:01
Speaker 3: head because I doing life. I'm busy, like moving fast,
9:04
Speaker 3: all the things I have to actively soften into my
9:07
Speaker 3: body to like drop into that feminine energy. And I
9:09
Speaker 3: think like touch without an agenda, And what I mean
9:11
Speaker 3: by that is like a quick little message on the
9:14
Speaker 3: shoulders or like for me, my back is super ticklish.
9:17
Speaker 3: So like for me, if like my partner at the
9:19
Speaker 3: time touches my back, I'm like, oh shit, and they
9:20
Speaker 3: like drop into my body entirely, or maybe even just
9:23
Speaker 3: like closeness before being intimate or sexual touching.
9:27
Speaker 1: Like for me, kissing is like a big one.
9:30
Speaker 3: Like if I'm like kissing my partner and it's really
9:33
Speaker 3: slow and intentional and beautiful and like you're fully there
9:37
Speaker 3: in the moment, that to me is like can change
9:39
Speaker 3: myself entirely, and then I'm like cool, I'm ready, now ready,
9:44
Speaker 3: I'm ready ravish me.
9:45
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, it's a big one.
9:47
Speaker 3: I've really noticed that, like more in my recent dating ventures.
9:52
Speaker 2: Just that even that slow, slow slowness we're torments. The
9:56
Speaker 2: other day, Hey, oh, we had a girlfriend that had
9:58
Speaker 2: a really awful experience with a man. Oh my gosh. Oh.
10:01
Speaker 2: When she was telling us, we were both just dying inside,
10:04
Speaker 2: Like and you think it's because a lot of men
10:07
Speaker 2: watch porn, but like I do think it is. She
10:09
Speaker 2: was saying that he was like finger jabbing her at
10:12
Speaker 2: such an intense pace and speed and like intense.
10:16
Speaker 1: Like just rough that a whole body was throwing her
10:19
Speaker 1: body around.
10:19
Speaker 2: And like trying to kiss her like he was eating
10:21
Speaker 2: a fucking Hamburger, like just yeah, she just said it
10:24
Speaker 2: was awful and so fast, and when they had sex,
10:26
Speaker 2: it was just like, yeah, it wasn't. We got us
10:29
Speaker 2: talking about how like the slower a man is the better,
10:33
Speaker 2: the better you're teasing its softness, you feel safe, see,
10:36
Speaker 2: like tensing up wondering when I jabby this, you're like
10:40
Speaker 2: you're relaxed and you feel open to receive. Whereas that, yeah,
10:44
Speaker 2: slow music, slow kissing, slow touching, slow intimacy equals way
10:48
Speaker 2: more pleasure in my game and so much safety.
10:51
Speaker 3: Yeah, And like when our friend was telling us this story,
10:54
Speaker 3: I really do believe that men learn this through porn
10:57
Speaker 3: because like obviously porn is very performative and that sort
11:00
Speaker 3: of stuff, and it is more of like the intense thing.
11:03
Speaker 3: And I think as young women we kind of learned
11:05
Speaker 3: that that's what sex is about. But it's all and
11:07
Speaker 3: you know what, this is even a journey I've been
11:08
Speaker 3: on myself, like.
11:09
Speaker 1: We bled like from his fingers. Oh my god, not normal.
11:13
Speaker 3: I've had that before too, actually saying that, yeah, the
11:15
Speaker 3: next part, yep, it's not nice.
11:18
Speaker 1: But it's just like I don't know, there's gotta be a.
11:20
Speaker 3: Level of understanding where your partner knows is listening to
11:23
Speaker 3: what it is that you want to need. Yes, because
11:25
Speaker 3: it's like one size doesn't fit all when someone well
11:29
Speaker 3: really getting raw here when somebody comes to me, like
11:32
Speaker 3: say a previous part and they're like, oh, I'm so
11:34
Speaker 3: good at this, I'm so good. I'm like, you haven't
11:35
Speaker 3: even touched my body. Yeah, literally, you don't know it
11:37
Speaker 3: and learned anything. Yet you have no idea what you
11:40
Speaker 3: did for previous partners isn't going to work for me,
11:42
Speaker 3: you know. And I think like that communication understanding is
11:45
Speaker 3: so important.
11:47
Speaker 2: If they take it slow to get to know your body,
11:48
Speaker 2: they're probably gonna learn it faster because they're like, no,
11:51
Speaker 2: no at all.
11:52
Speaker 1: Now yeah it ends and now it's quite literally.
11:54
Speaker 2: And they've got time for you to give feedback on
11:56
Speaker 2: like oh my gosh, keep going, yes, do this more
11:59
Speaker 2: like speed is just like you can't even catch up.
12:02
Speaker 3: No, But it's like maybe that's like more pleasurable for
12:04
Speaker 3: a man, but for a while. And I believe it
12:05
Speaker 3: is different at least from my own personal experience, and
12:08
Speaker 3: that's coming from someone who used to be very performative
12:11
Speaker 3: in the bedroom, like disconnected to myself, numb like whatever,
12:15
Speaker 3: and feeling like, oh, I liked it more rough, whereas
12:18
Speaker 3: now I'm like, no, the.
12:19
Speaker 1: Softer the better.
12:19
Speaker 2: Oh, the softer the better.
12:21
Speaker 3: Intimacy that you experience in that is so spiritual in
12:24
Speaker 3: comparison to the physical act of just being here, yes,
12:27
Speaker 3: getting it over and done with.
12:28
Speaker 2: I think I know for myself, I much prefer slow,
12:31
Speaker 2: sensual sex. But if I'm going to enjoy it rough,
12:34
Speaker 2: I can't go straight into that. I enjoy the rough
12:36
Speaker 2: because I feel safe because of the softness that you've
12:39
Speaker 2: created at the start, and you've like warmed me up,
12:42
Speaker 2: and I'm ready and I feel good with you to explore.
12:44
Speaker 2: But if a man with like our friend just to
12:46
Speaker 2: come in and just do that straight away, absolutely not.
12:49
Speaker 4: Yeah.
12:49
Speaker 3: I remember making a joke being like that would be
12:51
Speaker 3: traumatic actually, because I feel like, I'm so glad you
12:54
Speaker 3: didn't experience that, because it'd been stramatic.
12:55
Speaker 2: Like she was laughing. But it's not okay, no like
12:58
Speaker 2: to bleed from fingers, no from this roughness. So slow,
13:01
Speaker 2: that's our next tip. Slow if you're listening, gentle.
13:04
Speaker 3: Please, for all the women out there, I think another one,
13:10
Speaker 3: I mean, at least it's been helpful for me is
13:12
Speaker 3: to like not force the orgasm. You know, I think
13:15
Speaker 3: for me, when I release the pressure to reach an outcome,
13:19
Speaker 3: I just I end up getting the much quicker. Yeah,
13:21
Speaker 3: you know, even if I have verbally had a partner
13:23
Speaker 3: say to me, and I've said that, like, hey, can
13:25
Speaker 3: you say this to me? Because it helps me get
13:27
Speaker 3: out of my head, which is something I've had to
13:29
Speaker 3: unlearn over the years, is to get out of my
13:31
Speaker 3: head insects is to literally say to me, babe, there's
13:35
Speaker 3: no pressure for you to come, there's no pressure for
13:37
Speaker 3: you to orgasm, Like, we're not here to get to
13:39
Speaker 3: an outcome.
13:39
Speaker 1: I just want this to be about.
13:40
Speaker 3: You, for you to just like lay your head back
13:42
Speaker 3: and enjoy yourself, like genuinely like receive. And I found
13:46
Speaker 3: like through doing that it allows me to like let
13:49
Speaker 3: pleasure in more as opposed to being like tensing and
13:52
Speaker 3: squeezing and like trying to you know, yeah, trying to
13:55
Speaker 3: get to the outcome and then it being over and
13:58
Speaker 3: done with. But like in the reality, like sex can
14:00
Speaker 3: be such a beautiful and extended experience when you are soft, relaxed,
14:06
Speaker 3: open willing and a receptive to like what it is
14:09
Speaker 3: that you're experiencing. Instead of just so, oh, let's get
14:11
Speaker 3: this over and done.
14:12
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what it is. It should be an experience,
14:13
Speaker 2: not just a destination. No, yeah, because it is.
14:16
Speaker 3: It's about the build up, and it's about the anticipation
14:19
Speaker 3: in the beginning and then the love and slowness. Oh,
14:22
Speaker 3: it's just like it gets to be a really beautiful experience.
14:25
Speaker 3: But I don't think that's a normalized experience.
14:27
Speaker 2: No, you know, I think a lot of men need
14:29
Speaker 2: some need to listen to this.
14:31
Speaker 3: There are lots of books out there, guys, yes, or
14:33
Speaker 3: podcasts like us read them the next time for me too.
14:36
Speaker 2: So should Being in a long term relationship is like
14:38
Speaker 2: flirting before you even get to the bedroom. Oh, like,
14:41
Speaker 2: when do we stop flirting and dating our partner? Like
14:43
Speaker 2: you know, when people first get together and that going on.
14:45
Speaker 3: All these fun dates and they're flirting and they're sending
14:47
Speaker 3: all these sexy texts and sending sexy photos. It's like,
14:50
Speaker 3: where along the lines does that stop being fun? Or
14:53
Speaker 3: you stop thinking you need to put that effort in,
14:56
Speaker 3: you stop thinking they don't enjoy it anymore. Let me
14:58
Speaker 3: tell you, nearly eighteen years later, he still enjoys it. Yeah,
15:01
Speaker 3: and it still brings.
15:02
Speaker 2: So much like pleasure and excitement and anticipation, even though
15:06
Speaker 2: he knows what's underneath those underwear, he knows if that's
15:09
Speaker 2: been a long time sometimes and like, I try to
15:12
Speaker 2: be mysterious. You've seen this so many times. Yeah, and
15:15
Speaker 2: he's still like, but he says, it's still exciting. It's
15:17
Speaker 2: still like, oh what is underneath there? Because you used
15:20
Speaker 2: to build that that narrative and that experience for them. Yeah,
15:23
Speaker 2: So don't ever stop flirting and dating your partner, no
15:25
Speaker 2: matter how long you've been together for, because it'll make
15:27
Speaker 2: your experience in the bedroom a hundred times better. Yeah.
15:30
Speaker 3: Think it's like a willingness to bring playfulness your everyday
15:33
Speaker 3: life into everyday experiences and into like all of the
15:36
Speaker 3: mundane tasks too.
15:37
Speaker 2: You get to be creative too. Creative energy is beautiful energy. Yeah,
15:41
Speaker 2: be creative with how you're trying to turn them on
15:43
Speaker 2: and the experiences you get to give them.
15:45
Speaker 3: And get curious, like, is there something that your partner
15:47
Speaker 3: has said that they like? Yeah, something that you've done
15:49
Speaker 3: where they had a really good response to it that
15:51
Speaker 3: you can like amp up next time. Yeah, you can
15:53
Speaker 3: do it slightly different or like, do more of that, Like,
15:56
Speaker 3: people leave clues in terms of what they want and
15:59
Speaker 3: what they like, so many, so obvious clues. You'd pay
16:02
Speaker 3: attention just a little bit, you might surprise yourself, like
16:05
Speaker 3: what kind of experience you can create for your partner, Yeah,
16:08
Speaker 3: which then will create a better experience for you too. Yeah.
16:11
Speaker 2: We had a DM a little while ago, and she
16:13
Speaker 2: said she was quite triggered because her partner had vented
16:16
Speaker 2: to his friend that she wasn't sexy in the bedroom.
16:19
Speaker 2: And she said, I wish my girlfriend dressed up for me,
16:21
Speaker 2: and I wish I thought about it obviously, like I
16:23
Speaker 2: just held space for her, But I thought about it.
16:25
Speaker 2: If Steve was to talk to his friends, which he's
16:27
Speaker 2: a very private person, but if he was open and
16:29
Speaker 2: talking to his friends about our sex life, I would
16:32
Speaker 2: hope he'd be like, oh my gosh, she's so adventurous,
16:34
Speaker 2: she's so fun, she dressed up last night. Yeah, oh
16:36
Speaker 2: my god, she did this new thing, or like she
16:38
Speaker 2: sent me this sex Like I would hope that he's
16:40
Speaker 2: lit up by talking about our sex life a good things.
16:43
Speaker 2: But that takes active contribution for me, right, Like I'm
16:46
Speaker 2: always buying laingery, I'm always sending photos I'm always sending texts.
16:49
Speaker 2: I'm always trying to make a fun and exciting and
16:51
Speaker 2: try new things and communicating what is he's desiring at
16:54
Speaker 2: the time. It's a very conscious thing that as much
16:57
Speaker 2: effort I put into my home on fitness, I also
16:59
Speaker 2: put that into my sex life with Steve. You have
17:01
Speaker 2: to be conscious of it. It's not just going to magically
17:03
Speaker 2: stay amazing forever. Like it in the first year of
17:05
Speaker 2: your relationship.
17:06
Speaker 3: Something that I see you guys do often is that
17:08
Speaker 3: you continue to date each other. Yeah, like you prioritize
17:11
Speaker 3: date nine, and you prioritize connection. You prioritize building the
17:13
Speaker 3: foundation of you two. And it's like you can see
17:15
Speaker 3: that in the playfulness, the openness, the communication that it's
17:19
Speaker 3: like you're a fresh couple. Yeah, it was like in
17:21
Speaker 3: that fun stage, very poscious long term yeah, which is
17:24
Speaker 3: so beautiful. And like what you said, it's consistent effort.
17:27
Speaker 2: It's consistent effort, and it's not always easy. You don't
17:30
Speaker 2: feel like it. We've got kids, we're tired, we're business like.
17:32
Speaker 2: For sure, it don't always feel like it. We also
17:34
Speaker 2: know how important it is and say stays really stressed
17:37
Speaker 2: for the week. It definitely switches off as sex drive.
17:39
Speaker 2: Like for sure, I'm not like pressuring him to have
17:41
Speaker 2: sex by any means, but if it was to get
17:43
Speaker 2: to like two or three weeks and we haven't been intimate, yeah,
17:46
Speaker 2: both of us would be having a conversation around that
17:48
Speaker 2: and actively, even if you don't fully feel like it,
17:51
Speaker 2: like just taking our time to be more connected and
17:53
Speaker 2: touching each other more. So it leads to that because
17:56
Speaker 2: you know how important is your relationship.
17:57
Speaker 3: I was having a conversation with a friend of mine
18:00
Speaker 3: and a friend of mine's partner, and they were talking
18:02
Speaker 3: about how they just had this understanding like when they
18:05
Speaker 3: were together, obviously doing life together with stress and everything
18:08
Speaker 3: that was happening, they knew if it got to like
18:11
Speaker 3: day four and like one of them was in a
18:14
Speaker 3: absolute foul mood, they knew that they just had to
18:16
Speaker 3: be intimate.
18:17
Speaker 1: Like they just they just do you know what I mean,
18:19
Speaker 1: Like they just knew like.
18:20
Speaker 3: If there was a certain type of like tone or
18:23
Speaker 3: like this, it was like they were craving closeness, but
18:25
Speaker 3: they didn't know how to ask for it in the moment.
18:26
Speaker 3: So they just kind of had this like rule where
18:28
Speaker 3: it was like, you know, obviously life happens and all
18:31
Speaker 3: the things, but it was like, no.
18:31
Speaker 1: Longer than four days.
18:32
Speaker 3: Yeah, because if they're no longer than four days, they're
18:35
Speaker 3: getting disconnected. They're creating separation and space between them. They're
18:40
Speaker 3: more snappy, they're not as respectful to each other because
18:43
Speaker 3: they'd like need and desire that level of closeness and
18:45
Speaker 3: being emotionally plugged in that way. And I was just like,
18:48
Speaker 3: I thought it was so funny because it was like
18:50
Speaker 3: this unspoken rule that they had, but it was also
18:52
Speaker 3: a conversation and the like, cool, I know you're just
18:55
Speaker 3: being rude and snappy because.
18:57
Speaker 2: You're better after you need to have sex.
18:59
Speaker 3: Yep.
18:59
Speaker 2: You know that Jake Woodward that I really like on
19:01
Speaker 2: social media. A lot of people don't like him, and
19:03
Speaker 2: I understand why. He's very triggering.
19:05
Speaker 1: I'm controversial.
19:05
Speaker 2: I love him.
19:06
Speaker 1: It's so good.
19:07
Speaker 2: They have a seventy two hour rule. They ever not
19:09
Speaker 2: have sex longer than seventy two hours. So I think
19:12
Speaker 2: Steve and I would probably be like a week. I
19:13
Speaker 2: don't think many times where we go longer than a week,
19:16
Speaker 2: as is seventy two hours, but yeah, longer than a week,
19:19
Speaker 2: and then there's a conversation.
19:20
Speaker 3: Yeah, how we're both feeling. Yeah, it's within a healthy
19:22
Speaker 3: life time frame.
19:23
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's good to talk about what is your timeline
19:25
Speaker 2: because I don't think it needs to be a rule
19:26
Speaker 2: the same for every relationship because everyone's different. Yeah, but
19:29
Speaker 2: it's good to know each other and when goes too.
19:31
Speaker 3: Far, also regimented, either what's our range, yes, what's our range?
19:34
Speaker 3: And what works for us, like what works for Jake
19:37
Speaker 3: and his wife exactly, doesn't work maybe not work for
19:39
Speaker 3: you guys, and like it's just depending on the unique
19:41
Speaker 3: situation for sure.
19:43
Speaker 1: So on top of that, I.
19:44
Speaker 3: Think another really beautiful thing is, like in the moment
19:46
Speaker 3: when you're being intimate, is to like name what you need,
19:49
Speaker 3: want or desire. I think communication when you're in the
19:52
Speaker 3: bedroom is so important and like something that I've had
19:55
Speaker 3: to learn how to do because, like the previous people,
19:58
Speaker 3: please it in me never wanted to speak up in
20:00
Speaker 3: the bedroom, and I always felt like bad because I
20:02
Speaker 3: didn't want to critique somebody or be like oh this
20:04
Speaker 3: does feel good or like.
20:06
Speaker 4: Given the left yeah literally not a little higher yeah,
20:10
Speaker 4: you know, or to not make somebody feel bad, or
20:13
Speaker 4: even to be judged for my own desires and hey,
20:15
Speaker 4: can you do this?
20:16
Speaker 3: Can you like do it like this or whatever? So
20:19
Speaker 3: I think like learning how to speak freely in the
20:22
Speaker 3: bedroom is very important, true, because you create not only
20:26
Speaker 3: safety for yourself that you can ask for what you need,
20:29
Speaker 3: especially if something doesn't feel good, but you also create
20:31
Speaker 3: safety for your partner to feel safe to bring things
20:35
Speaker 3: into to learn how to make micro changes, yes, to
20:38
Speaker 3: lean into each other more to create more pleasure, or
20:41
Speaker 3: to even explore things outside of the realm of what's
20:44
Speaker 3: comfortable for you too. I just think communication is very important.
20:47
Speaker 2: Oh I love that. Another one I've kind of briefly
20:49
Speaker 2: spoken about, but I think resentment is probably one of
20:52
Speaker 2: the biggest bedroom killers. If there's something that you're annoyty,
20:55
Speaker 2: and it could be the most minor thing, but like
20:57
Speaker 2: you ask them to take the garbage out and they
20:59
Speaker 2: haven't yet, and it gets a nighttime when you're both
21:01
Speaker 2: go into bed and you look at the garbage and
21:02
Speaker 2: you hop in bed and you're just like, no, you're
21:04
Speaker 2: annoying that they didn't follow through and what they said
21:06
Speaker 2: they're gonna do, and you know it's full and overflowing,
21:08
Speaker 2: and it's just pissed you off because you've done everything
21:09
Speaker 2: else for the day and taking care of whatever the situation. Yeah,
21:12
Speaker 2: you had one job. Had one job. Like, if you
21:15
Speaker 2: are not communicating that and then they try and be
21:17
Speaker 2: intimate with you, it's absolutely absolutely not happening. They're also
21:21
Speaker 2: not a mind reader, so if you don't communicate that
21:23
Speaker 2: with them, they're like, well, what's wrong with you? Why
21:25
Speaker 2: you're such a foul mood. And it's like, well, it
21:27
Speaker 2: really helps me feel heard when you follow through what
21:30
Speaker 2: you said you're gonna do. And I know it's only
21:31
Speaker 2: the garbage, doesn't sound like a big deal, but now
21:33
Speaker 2: it's just like sitting there that you didn't say you're
21:35
Speaker 2: gonna do what you gonna do, and now I have
21:36
Speaker 2: to get up and do it in the morning, when
21:37
Speaker 2: if already got enough on my plate, my mental load's huge,
21:40
Speaker 2: I'm tired, I'm exhausted, and now I'm like I've got
21:42
Speaker 2: the ick.
21:42
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, it's almost like what is what would
21:44
Speaker 3: that fall under? It would that be like a full
21:46
Speaker 3: under acts of service? But then it not being done yes, yeah.
21:49
Speaker 2: And I think just any men not following through and
21:51
Speaker 2: what they say they're going to do, it's not great
21:52
Speaker 2: for a lemon trust yeah, and you resent them. Yeah,
21:54
Speaker 2: they're like annoyed at.
21:55
Speaker 3: Them, Like now I don't trust you. No, I don't
21:57
Speaker 3: feel like sucking you off right now. Yeah, that's the
21:59
Speaker 3: last thing you for like doing because my garbage is full.
22:02
Speaker 2: But if you've done that and wipe down the benches
22:04
Speaker 2: and like dishrusher, maybe I'm on all yeah wow, say see, spicy,
22:11
Speaker 2: we love this. It's like you can laugh about it.
22:13
Speaker 2: But I feel like every female listening is gonna be like,
22:14
Speaker 2: oh my gosh.
22:15
Speaker 3: I felt like because when a man is in service
22:17
Speaker 3: of you, you want to be in service of him,
22:19
Speaker 3: and it makes you got like the more that your
22:21
Speaker 3: man does for you, the more you want to do
22:23
Speaker 3: for them. And you're like into a real life porn stuff.
22:27
Speaker 3: Literally if you want, babe, but just like buy me
22:30
Speaker 3: dinner and bring it home and a snack on the way.
22:32
Speaker 2: Literally, it is so true. And it's like you can
22:35
Speaker 2: get a negative cycle of like resentment and blame and
22:38
Speaker 2: picking on each other and it can be reversed. Yeah
22:41
Speaker 2: he does that, few you want to do something for him.
22:42
Speaker 2: It's like this game of like who can top each other,
22:45
Speaker 2: and it's this beautiful flow of constant love languages back
22:48
Speaker 2: and forth, just love being received and heaven and it's
22:51
Speaker 2: just beautiful. There's so much effort that you're putting into
22:53
Speaker 2: each other and you're really, like you said, listening for
22:55
Speaker 2: those cues and those hints as to what makes them
22:57
Speaker 2: feel good. Yeah. And then if your man knows that
23:00
Speaker 2: and hears that from the start that you've be in
23:01
Speaker 2: the garbage fool brings you stress, hopefully it's going to
23:04
Speaker 2: take that on board and make sure this has happened. Steve,
23:06
Speaker 2: and I, wow, I just realized. Yeah, years ago, I
23:08
Speaker 2: used to fucking hate taking out the bins and I
23:10
Speaker 2: just thought that was a man's job. And it wasn't
23:12
Speaker 2: till I cracked it one day. He was like, WHOA,
23:15
Speaker 2: didn't realize you hated it so much. I can take
23:17
Speaker 2: the bins out, And now it doesn't. I barely take
23:20
Speaker 2: the bins out. It's just what he does all the time.
23:21
Speaker 1: Yup.
23:22
Speaker 2: And he's got his things that he hates, like he
23:23
Speaker 2: hates making his bed. I love making a bed, and
23:25
Speaker 2: they're like, I'll go and a fucking make the bed
23:27
Speaker 2: easy to lily. So it's just like communicating again, isn't it.
23:31
Speaker 2: Absolutely it feels good in what doesn't and then you
23:33
Speaker 2: prevent the resentment. But if you're resenting them and you're
23:35
Speaker 2: looking at them with like dagger eyes, it's going to impact.
23:38
Speaker 1: Your sex life absolutely sure.
23:40
Speaker 3: Something that you said highlighted something to me, and it
23:42
Speaker 3: was like, when you can do the unspoken things for
23:44
Speaker 3: your punt. Yeah, when you do the unspoken things, it's
23:47
Speaker 3: things that they don't have to ask for, but you
23:49
Speaker 3: pay attention to, like the in between moments when they
23:51
Speaker 3: say something and they say that they like something and
23:53
Speaker 3: then you implement that. I think that is appreciated more
23:57
Speaker 3: than anything. I think so because I know how it
23:59
Speaker 3: feels when somebody does that for me. I'm like, oh
24:01
Speaker 3: my gosh, thank you so much. I feels so appreciated
24:03
Speaker 3: and taken care of right now. And then when you
24:05
Speaker 3: do that for somebody else, they then want.
24:07
Speaker 2: To pull back. It's just this beautiful side. It really is.
24:10
Speaker 2: So something that has been like a huge hack for me.
24:14
Speaker 3: It yeah, is like talking each other through it in
24:18
Speaker 3: the bedroom, like just talking to each other throughout. And
24:21
Speaker 3: I think if you can go and do this in
24:23
Speaker 3: your own experience, like it'll be a game changer. But
24:26
Speaker 3: for me, the way that it looks is like the
24:28
Speaker 3: thing that I really desire and crave from a partner.
24:31
Speaker 3: I get my partner to say to me during sex
24:35
Speaker 3: because for me, that's like my ultimate desire.
24:37
Speaker 1: Plus say, for example, like a.
24:40
Speaker 3: You know, like a previous experience of a previous partner,
24:43
Speaker 3: he would say to me like while we would be intimate,
24:45
Speaker 3: like I'll take care of you. I promise you're safe
24:47
Speaker 3: with me. I promise you it's safe to let go,
24:49
Speaker 3: like I promise you that, like you can trust me,
24:52
Speaker 3: and that like I've got you and that you don't
24:54
Speaker 3: have to worry here.
24:55
Speaker 2: So being brought in Yes, yeah, that's cool.
24:58
Speaker 1: It's really like strange, betiful.
25:01
Speaker 3: I realized as somebody who has had a lot of
25:03
Speaker 3: sexual shame and a lot of struggles opening up sexually
25:06
Speaker 3: and get go after everything to really allow myself to
25:09
Speaker 3: soften in that moment, I almost need encouragement and guide
25:12
Speaker 3: them and guidance.
25:13
Speaker 1: So to get out of my head.
25:15
Speaker 3: That pulls me into the present moment like no fucking tomorrow,
25:18
Speaker 3: And I'm telling you like the level of connection, intimacy
25:21
Speaker 3: and then also orgasm that I have from being able
25:23
Speaker 3: to let go because I was guided into it. That's
25:26
Speaker 3: cool and it was so powerful to realize that I
25:29
Speaker 3: would bring my wounds into it. And then what I noticed,
25:32
Speaker 3: because I realized that that was really beneficial for me,
25:34
Speaker 3: I started doing that back to my partner, and then
25:36
Speaker 3: I would say the things that he would need, like
25:38
Speaker 3: you know, I know that you take care of everyone else.
25:40
Speaker 3: I want to take care of you right now, and
25:41
Speaker 3: he's like fuck. Like that, it goes such a long way.
25:45
Speaker 3: I highly recommend trying it.
25:46
Speaker 2: That's beautiful. The last one I've got, which I was
25:48
Speaker 2: spoken about before, but music is just such a game
25:51
Speaker 2: change of for me, depending on what mood I'm in
25:53
Speaker 2: or where we're at now life. I've got like a
25:55
Speaker 2: really slow one. I've got one that called Surrender, which
25:58
Speaker 2: is a bit more like dark mysterious. Then I've got
26:00
Speaker 2: my spicy playlist, which is the most played. Just songs
26:03
Speaker 2: that like really just turn us off and get us
26:05
Speaker 2: in the mood. And I feel like music just creates
26:07
Speaker 2: the environment and the energy that you want. It really does.
26:11
Speaker 2: Like find songs that turn you on, find songs that
26:14
Speaker 2: soften you, find songs that connect you guys. Find songs
26:17
Speaker 2: that bring excitement or mystery to whatever it is that
26:20
Speaker 2: you're craving, like create a playlist to represent that mood
26:23
Speaker 2: and then communicate the start, like which playlist will be
26:25
Speaker 2: putting on tonight? Yeah, and it's just fun. It is
26:27
Speaker 2: fun love music.
26:28
Speaker 3: And you can have like different playlists for different moods too,
26:31
Speaker 3: Like I definitely have those two. And it's like, sometimes
26:33
Speaker 3: I want to listen to words that help me soften,
26:37
Speaker 3: or sometimes I want to hear like just the background
26:39
Speaker 3: noise and like more instrumental, so like more like tribal
26:42
Speaker 3: kind of like do you know what I mean? Like
26:43
Speaker 3: change is based on my mood and like you can
26:45
Speaker 3: find what works for you, and I just feel like
26:47
Speaker 3: it's such a good way to get out of your
26:48
Speaker 3: head and into your body.
26:49
Speaker 2: Definitely, Yeah, thanks so much for joining us. We hope
26:51
Speaker 2: you guys enjoyed this sexy episode and hopefully if you
26:54
Speaker 2: take on just one or two of the things to
26:55
Speaker 2: implement and try and hopefully it helps you have more pleasure,
26:59
Speaker 2: more experiences, more connection, more love, more we always want.
27:03
Speaker 3: I think it's a really cool conversation to have because
27:06
Speaker 3: like sex will really highlight to you where you limit yourself,
27:09
Speaker 3: whether you struggle to receive and you like overgive in
27:12
Speaker 3: the bedroom. That's also how you shop in everyday life. Yeah,
27:14
Speaker 3: or like if you really struggle to receive, it's like, okay,
27:17
Speaker 3: where else does that shop in your lieho? Or you know,
27:19
Speaker 3: if you have limits on how much pleasure you'll allow
27:21
Speaker 3: yourself to feel like, it's really going to highlight to
27:24
Speaker 3: you in the bedroom. So it's actually a really cool
27:26
Speaker 3: place for you to one connect but also like overcome
27:30
Speaker 3: all of those limitations and like push beyond your threshold
27:33
Speaker 3: of pleasure, but like psychological limits as well.
27:37
Speaker 2: Love that.
27:37
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, it would be a fun episode on
27:40
Speaker 1: what is it?
27:41
Speaker 2: It's like educating the men out there does and don't
27:44
Speaker 2: with a woman's body. It would be so cool if
27:46
Speaker 2: women would like to send that to men. I don't
27:49
Speaker 2: have to send it to the partners or previous partners
27:50
Speaker 2: or just would somehow just hear about it. Because I
27:54
Speaker 2: just after our friend's story, I'm like, how has he
27:57
Speaker 2: not gotten any feedback from women? But that is absolutely
28:01
Speaker 2: not I don't know any girl that wants to be
28:03
Speaker 2: fingered up like that, that wants to bleed from your
28:06
Speaker 2: fingers moving so fast and hard. I mean, correct me
28:09
Speaker 2: if I'm wrong, ladies, But is there anyone out that
28:11
Speaker 2: actually enjoys bleeding from someone's finger jabbing you so hard.
28:14
Speaker 2: We have to do this episode. That'd be cool.
28:17
Speaker 3: Even education, education, and there's no shame either. This is
28:21
Speaker 3: like genuine from us to them. Yeah, here's how to
28:25
Speaker 3: like pleasure your lady.
28:26
Speaker 2: Men, if you want to increase your pleasure in the bedroom,
28:29
Speaker 2: if you want to make your woman happy. These are
28:31
Speaker 2: the dos and don'ts.
28:32
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh.
28:33
Speaker 2: Number one, don't think a jab.
28:35
Speaker 1: Stop watching pawn and using that as education.
28:38
Speaker 3: Brush your teeth feeling triggered, brush your.
28:44
Speaker 1: Negotiable.
28:46
Speaker 2: Let us know if you guys think that would be
28:47
Speaker 2: a really informative episode.
28:48
Speaker 1: Shower after sex. This no hideaway's natural loob. Please do that.
28:56
Speaker 1: It is the best of it.
28:57
Speaker 2: I just think that'd be a really good education to
28:58
Speaker 2: be out there, because after our friend's experience, I'm like, Wow,
29:01
Speaker 2: someone really don't know how to work a woman's body.
29:03
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, literally said Steve. I'm like, can you
29:06
Speaker 2: run a class or something for men like this because
29:08
Speaker 2: men need to learn, oh my god, how to treat
29:10
Speaker 2: women's body.
29:11
Speaker 3: I think we definitely need to do this episode, and
29:13
Speaker 3: there is a genuine like we want you to have
29:16
Speaker 3: a better experience.
29:17
Speaker 1: And also, if your girlfriend's not going to tell you,
29:18
Speaker 1: we will tell you.
29:19
Speaker 2: And I also don't want our friend to ever experience
29:21
Speaker 2: that again, let alone any woman. Yeah, to have that experience.
29:24
Speaker 3: It's definitely something that's lacking, is like education, education on
29:28
Speaker 3: the female body from female.
29:30
Speaker 2: I don't think men should be teaching men. I think
29:32
Speaker 2: women women should be teaching men. Oh my god, we
29:34
Speaker 2: know our bodies absolutely. We can speak for the majority
29:37
Speaker 2: of females.
29:38
Speaker 3: Because then you don't have to have women going, oh yeah,
29:40
Speaker 3: like pretending there, what it's it called, like faking their orgasms?
29:44
Speaker 2: Yes, that's the house.
29:45
Speaker 1: But yep, do you feel so good?
29:48
Speaker 2: Just mind the ploot on the sheep.
29:49
Speaker 1: Oh my god, don't even have my period?
29:52
Speaker 2: No, stop, cuils.
29:56
Speaker 1: My god, this is going to be a really funny
29:58
Speaker 1: I think so cool.
29:59
Speaker 2: We'll do it all right, guys.
30:00
Speaker 1: I see the next one. Goodbye bye,