Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #41: How the Practice of Gratitude Can Shift Your Adult Child's Mindset from Hopelessness to Possibility

Transcript

#41: How the Practice of Gratitude Can Shift Your Adult Child's Mindset from Hopelessness to Possibility · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you're a parent of an adult child, worried and frustrated because they are struggling to become independent, responsible, and find purpose in their life, or you want to know what to do to prevent it, you're in the right place.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is Launch, a podcast that helps you guide your adult child to launch confidently into adulthood.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jones, author, educator, and co-parenting consultant, taking a deep dive into the ongoing challenges that you're faced with as you watch your adult child struggle.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Each episode will deliver actionable steps and strategies that you can take to help your young adult become confident, motivated, and self-sufficient.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Parents, if you want your adult child to achieve a life of independence, thrive in this world, and reach their full potential, then listen in to launch.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Shari Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Today's topic is very close to my heart.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: I don't just speak about it, I profoundly believe in it.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, I practice it.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Before we get into it, can I just remind you that as thrilled as I am that you're listening today, if you hit the follow button, it's like giving me a smile across the room that says, you like what I'm doing and I should keep going.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Call it an expression of gratitude.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get started.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: One of the hardest things as a parent is watching your adult child walking around acting as if their life has no purpose, they're feeling helpless, they're saying things like, What's the point?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: or my life sucks.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: And every time you talk to them, you hit a wall.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: You can't give them confidence or purpose or optimism about their future.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: This is not something that you can just fix.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: You simply feel helpless.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: But I hope that this episode today changes all that.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: You remember when your kids were small and you taught them how to say thank you?
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: It was so cute.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: They run to you and say, I'm thirsty, and then you give them a juice box or whatever, and you prompt them with what do you say?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: And in the sweetest voice you hear, thank you.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you thought you were teaching them manners, right?
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Which you were, but even more importantly, you were teaching them to be thankful.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, to express gratitude.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: But what you didn't realize was that lesson was doing more for their little brains than you could possibly know.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Can you imagine today your adult child yelling at you for your car keys?
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: And after you hand them over, you prompt them with, What do you say?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, they should be grateful to have access to your car because I'm pretty sure they aren't contributing to it, but they don't say anything.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: And when was the last time you paid your kid's cell phone bill and they texted you, hey, thanks?
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Well, somewhere along the line, they stop being grateful for all the things that you do for them or provide to them.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: They just expect it.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that's often why we feel so unappreciated.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: But that's not the topic of this episode.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Today, I'll be sharing something I bet you've never heard before, and that's the power of gratitude.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: More specifically, what gratitude does to your brain.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: You see, gratitude isn't just a pleasantry or an indication of good manners.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually deeply connected to neuroscience.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Feeling grateful changes the chemistry in your brain and rewires it.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Can you imagine that every time you feel or express gratitude, your brain releases these neurotransmitters that improve your mood, lower your stress, build resilience, and improve your relationships?
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's like having a built-in antidepressant.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Come on, that's pretty incredible.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Well, in this episode, I'm going to explain how gratitude reshapes your brain and why something so simple can have such a powerful and lasting impact on our mental health.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the reason why I'm sharing it today is because practicing it, getting into the habit of it, especially for young adults, can be so beneficial that you might even consider it life-changing.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: First, let me tell you what happens to your brain when you feel grateful, and I'll do my best to not make this sound like a boring brain chemistry lecture.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: But if you bear with me, it will make a lot of sense.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: And right after, I'm going to give you suggestions that you can do that will get your adult kid practicing gratitude.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: You see, when we practice gratitude, our brain releases specific neurotransmitters that fight depression, calm the stress centers of the brain, and slowly rewire it to see hope instead of hopelessness.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: You must have heard of dopamine, serotonin, or at least oxytocin.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well, dopamine is the brain's motivation and reward chemical.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: When you practice gratitude, your brain releases dopamine, which feels good and it makes you want to repeat that.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Gamers get a dopamine hit, exercise does the same.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: And gratitude works just like that.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: The more you practice it, the more your brain craves it.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Serotonin is the mood stabilizing chemical in our brains.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: It works like a natural antidepressant.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: When you focus on things you're grateful for, your brain releases serotonin, which helps lift your mood, reduces anxiety, and also reduces feelings of sadness.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Oxytocin is the hormone that makes us feel connected.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: When gratitude is expressed, when you thank someone or show appreciation, your oxytocin increases, which builds trust, intimacy, and deepens our connection to one another.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's just the brain chemistry side of it.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Gratitude also changes the structure of our brain, and because our brains have neuroplasticity, they can change.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: There are three parts of the brain that gratitude impacts, and don't worry, I won't get into the specific parts, but here's a quick summary.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Gratitude helps with self-control, resilience, optimism, empathy, and managing our emotions.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: And again, the more you practice it, the stronger these qualities become.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: And when cortisol drops, we feel calmer, we sleep better, we think more clearly, and we have more energy to handle life.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Now, wouldn't that be a nice change to see in your adult child?
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: And even though I won't bore you with studies, everything I just told you is all backed by years of research.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, here's one study I have to share.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: When the participants of this study practiced gratitude, their brain scans showed increased activity in the prefrontal cortex.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's the area responsible for motivation, decision making, and future thinking.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: And isn't that exactly what's happening in your adult child when they're moping around saying their life has no purpose?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Gratitude literally switches that part of their brain back on.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: The bottom line is this gratitude changes your brain by boosting the chemicals that lift you up and reduces the ones that weigh you down.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why practicing it is one of the most powerful habits we can build.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: So, now you might be thinking, okay, Sherry, this all sounds great, but what do we do to help our kids start feeling this way?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we can't even get our kids out of their room, and you expect us to have them practice gratitude?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, in fact, I do.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll be honest, it's a lot easier than doing laundry, which actually does nothing for their brain.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're picking your battles, choose gratitude.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Here are a few actionable steps that you can take to kickstart their practice of gratitude.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: The first one is you modeling gratitude.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now, even as I say that, I realize that if you are not in the habit of doing this, then it's going to be a challenge for you.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: But let's face it, your brain needs those same feel-good chemicals just as much as your adult child's.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: So you might as well start doing it.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: I get it.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're thinking, I didn't grow up with this woo-woo shit.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: Or worse, you have so much negativity in your life that you struggle to feel grateful.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: But those, my friend, are just excuses.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: All you need to do is look around you at all the hardship and injustices that are going on in the world right now to realize that your life as it is is not that bad.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: You mean you wouldn't be listening to a podcast if it were.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: So if your health is good, your family's health is good, if you have a roof over your head, food on your plate, a job, then you have enough to be grateful about.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: So perhaps you do need to get into the habit of finding something every day that you are thankful for.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be big.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, a small, grateful thought is all it takes to have the same benefits on your brain.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: It will still release those really good chemicals.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: So here's how you can start.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Become aware of your thoughts.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Pay attention to what's going on in that brain of yours.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of complaining about, I don't know, the drive home from work, say the drive was the drive, but I'm happy it was warm outside and I could keep my window open.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of saying, my car's a shitbox and I'd love to have a nicer one.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Say, but it gets me to work, and I'm grateful for that.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, I don't have to tell you what to say.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what your grievances are, and I'm not being some Pollyanna type person who is obnoxiously optimistic.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: I just know that nothing is ever as bad as it seems, and that you can always find something in your life to feel grateful about.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: I also know that if you don't make the effort, then your kids will never practice this.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I feel like there's two types of people in the world.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Those who naturally feel grateful for whatever they have in their life, and those who don't even think about it, because they either take everything in their life for granted or they focus on what they don't have and what everybody else has and so on.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Well, if you're waiting for something significant to happen in order for you to feel grateful, you're missing the point.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're actually being ungrateful.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Wait, I know what you're thinking.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Sherry, I'm neither grateful nor ungrateful.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't that possible?
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: You see, gratitude isn't a zero-sum game.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like if you don't practice gratitude, you don't just break even.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: The brain naturally defaults to negativity, scanning for problems and stress.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: So when it comes to gratitude, there is no neutral.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: You're either looking for the positive or you're sliding back into negativity.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: And here's something I want you to understand about gratitude.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it's important because you're probably gonna have to share this with your kids.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Gratitude is a feeling, for sure, but it is also a practice.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: So if you struggle to feel it, you're just gonna have to practice it, which means making the effort each day to find something in your life to be grateful for.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: You see, you have to practice it first, then you'll start feeling it, and then you'll reap the benefits.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: This is where you just need to trust the process.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the best part it's easy.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'd like you to think about one thing or one person in your life right now that makes you feel happy, that you feel fortunate to have in your life.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Sit with that thought.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'd even like you to open up notes on your phone and write it out.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Unless, of course, you're driving.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: But that one little grateful thought that you just had triggered those neurotransmitters in your brain, and they gave you a boost.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: How do I know?
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because of how you just felt, even for a second, when you had that thought in your mind about that thing or that person.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now here's the challenge.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: Do that at least once a day and let those neurotransmitters work their magic on your brain.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: I practice gratitude literally every single day, and here's how I do it.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: If you've ever read Atomic Habits by James Clear, you know that the best way to start a habit is to stack it with another.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: When I have my morning coffee, I happen to add in a few extra powders, and they require stirring.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: I think most people stir their morning coffee anyway, but when I do, I thank the universe, my guides, angels, whoever is out there for all the blessings in my life, because I am grateful for them and I know how important it is to think about that.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: This has become such a habit for me that I feel bad when I'm out of my morning routine.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: But the truth is, you can do this anywhere at any time.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, my kids know that I practice gratitude.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: They've seen it, they've heard it, and now they do it too in their own way.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why I've spent so much time talking to you about you practicing gratitude, because I want you to show your kids.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's what modeling is all about.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just telling them what to do, it's actually showing them.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: The next suggestion I have is also something that I've been practicing for as long as I can remember, and it works.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's called journaling.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the research on gratitude journaling is nothing short of incredibly positive.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's shown that participants who wrote down a few things that they were grateful for each day reported better sleep, less depression, less anxiety, and greater resilience.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, in just a few weeks, their brains began to shift towards noticing what's good instead of getting stuck in a negativity loop.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: The studies show conclusively that gratitude journaling helps us to become optimistic and capable of handling our problems.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now, since our kids are always on their screens, I don't encourage that they journal online, but they can.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like I mentioned earlier, that notes app, it's pretty convenient for writing things down.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: But my preference is to buy a blank journal from the dollar store, preferably a lined one with the coil in the center, so they're easier to write in.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I would love it if you buy one for your kid or kids and talk to them about writing down one or two things that they're thankful for before they go to bed.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: We're not asking for pages and pages, just a few sentences that will that will take them a few minutes a day.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: And again, if they know or see you doing this, it would be even better.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: My third suggestion for practicing gratitude is probably the easiest and yet so rarely practiced.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: It is expressing it to others.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: Research from the University of Pennsylvania found that people who wrote a letter of gratitude experienced one of the biggest boosts in happiness that lasted for weeks.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: Other studies show that even a simple thank you note, a text message, a spoken word of appreciation, or even hitting the follow button.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm kidding, I'm just seeing if you're listening.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Not only does that strengthen relationships, but it makes the person giving it feel really good.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: So why not do it more often?
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: And why not start by practicing this with your family?
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: Seriously, when was the last time you told your kid that you appreciate a certain quality they have, or that you're thankful for something that they did?
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: It could be as simple as saying, I don't tell you often enough, but I love that you did that, or I think you're a great kid.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: Well, no matter what's going on in their life, I bet they would really appreciate hearing something you like about them or something that they did, and you'll feel good saying it.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I began this episode by talking about one of the hardest things for parents is to see their kid unhappy.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: If it really bothers you when your adult child replays the same negative thoughts over and over again about what's wrong with their life or what's missing, well, practicing, writing, or expressing gratitude for what they do have can break that cycle and create space for hope and possibility.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: Even if they just write one sentence of gratitude every day, that might be all they need to see their life in a whole new way.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: Don't forget to hit the subscribe button, and yes, I am truly, truly grateful.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: And if there's something you want to ask me, I invite you to join Launch Advice, my weekly publication where I answer one question from parents just like you.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's free advice that will appear in your inbox probably when you need it the most.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: Just click Launch Advice in the show notes and don't forget to email me your confidential question.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Talk to you soon.