Latest / Free & Well: Stop Overthinking, Feel Confident AF & Start Living Your Live Using Psychology, Faith & Nervous System Habits / 307 | 5 things I don't do in my friendships anymore as a recovering people pleaser

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307 | 5 things I don't do in my friendships anymore as a recovering people pleaser · Free & Well: Stop Overthinking, Feel Confident AF & Start Living Your Live Using Psychology, Faith & Nervous System Habits

• 0:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey, hey friend, welcome to the podcast.
• 0:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: I am so glad you're here.
• 0:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Today, I'm going to be sharing with you a few things that I used to do often that I used to do, that I absolutely do not tolerate anymore.
• 0:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Things that I don't waste my time and energy on, that I used to really, really struggle with.
• 0:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I am super excited to share these with you.
• 0:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's a little fiery.
• 0:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's a little fiery, but I'm excited.
• 0:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm excited.
• 0:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, first one is going to be that I used to spend hours rereading texts, so imagine that someone texted me, a friend, a family member texted me, and I obviously needed to respond with something, and I would spend hours either prepping the text, or after I sent it, then worrying about how they were going to feel, how they might respond,
• 0:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, here's what I do now instead.
• 1:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Here's the transition that happened.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: Is I always lead with two things.
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  [SPEAKER_00]: When I'm talking with anyone about, oh my gosh, I'm really worried about what someone else is gonna think about this, and I don't wanna hurt their feelings.
• 1:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think the heart of that is so good, right?
• 1:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: You wanna be kind, you wanna be respectful, and that's what I always lead with.
• 1:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: And what I encourage other people in is,
• 1:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: we have control.
• 1:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: What we have control over is am I being respectful am I being honest am I being loving?
• 1:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: Hey friend, welcome to the free while podcast.
• 1:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you're tired of feeling anxious and I'll be overthinking.
• 1:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you're ready to feel more calm and confident to start trying new things and being more of your true authentic self this is the podcast for you.
• 1:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: My name is Devani, I'm an anxiety therapist, confidence coach and yoga teacher.
• 1:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm here to help you who's faith, yoga, and mental wellness to create daily, healthy habits, start feeling more confident in your own skin and creating your best life.
• 2:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: Grab your ice coffee in your journal, let's go.
• 2:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right?
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  [SPEAKER_00]: So that's all I can sit with on my side of the street is, is my response honest loving respectful.
• 2:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then once I put that out into the world, that is not my responsibility of how that other person receives it, as long as I'm being loving honest, respectful.
• 2:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: That response how they react to that is on them.
• 2:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so
• 2:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: that I've made and it has been wildly liberating because what happens is there's a couple different things.
• 2:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, if someone says something to me and I need to respond, I take a minute or if I'm being super honest, I can take days to respond to people.
• 3:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not a great texture, but once I sit down with the intentioner's one, I will sit down, I will breathe with it for a minute and then I will respond.
• 3:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: right?
• 3:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: However, a caveat I will say is that if it's anything serious, I call.
• 3:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: I do not have serious conversations over text.
• 3:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's not for me.
• 3:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like it gets misconstrued, people get hurt feelings, people it's just I don't do it, but literally making that shift instead of oh my gosh, I need to craft this perfect text.
• 3:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: too.
• 3:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm just actually going to respond in the most loving, respectful, honest way and just put that out into the world, right?
• 3:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: That is huge, huge, huge, huge.
• 3:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, here's number two.
• 3:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it's totally a branch off of that first one is that I have set this expectation in my relationships that if someone has hurt feelings or something that they need to share with me, they will bring it up to me.
• 4:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: and vice versa.
• 4:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: So if I have hurt feelings, I will bring it up to someone.
• 4:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: And here's why this is so powerful is because say that I send a text and it hurts someone's feelings.
• 4:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of me constantly wondering if someone is upset with me, I just deeply trust that the people that are close to me if they have hurt feeling that they know that I would want to know
• 4:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: they know that I'm going to hear that and be a safe space and want to know how they're feeling and if I hurt them and right trusting in that and also trusting that I can do that with them.
• 4:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it creates this beautiful space of what I used to really like if someone didn't respond to me within a certain amount of time or if someone acted a little funky to me one day I used to totally personalize it and wonder oh my gosh are they upset with me what did I do all of the things and now that will still come up every now and then however I really lean into
• 5:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: If they have an issue or something that needs to be addressed, they will bring it up to me.
• 5:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: And if though, if I notice that it's like persisting and I'm really kind of feeling intuitive that there is something going on, sometimes I will address it and I'll be like, hey, I just want to clear the error, but or make sure that we're okay, however, it just creates so much space and this is something that I have directly had conversations with the people around me.
• 5:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: I have literally said, I'm looking at them face to face and saying, hey, I want to make sure that this is a really safe space for us to be open.
• 5:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't ever love worrying if someone's upset.
• 5:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want you doing that.
• 5:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I just want to know that if either of us have hurt feelings, we are going to share it, right?
• 5:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: And just literally saying that out loud, setting that expectation has been wildly, wildly liberating, wildly liberating.
• 6:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, number three.
• 6:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: number three, ooh, this one feels even more spicy than the other two.
• 6:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't spend time with people out of obligation.
• 6:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't do it.
• 6:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't do it.
• 6:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: I use to make social plans and then if something, if I got closer to the social plans and I realized that I didn't want to actually spend time with them or I didn't want to actually do it, I would just do it anyways because I felt like I should, I felt like I had to or if it's like maybe an old friend or something like
• 6:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: and I just don't.
• 6:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: I just don't.
• 6:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: My time over the last handful of years, I just have realized my time and my energy are the most precious things to me.
• 6:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so when I think about who I want to spend time with on the weekends or coming up and making plans, I am pretty ruthless about who do I genuinely want to spend my time with.
• 7:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I will say, for being super honest, of course, there may be some people that you're, you know, they're not like your absolute favorite people, however, it feels really important to maintain the relationship for whatever reason, absolutely right that I definitely, you know, I've experienced that for sure.
• 7:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: But the thing with that, and this is what I love about acceptance and commitment, therapy, the main approach that I use with my therapy and my coaching and just how I approach life is in those moments that maybe I'm like, oh, okay, I don't really want to go this in my time this way.
• 7:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: but it feels important.
• 7:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: It feels like this is the person I want to be, how I want to show up in the world is that I would go do this thing because maintaining the relationship feels important or maybe it's something of service that you don't really want to go do, but you know it feels important.
• 8:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's huge, right?
• 8:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: Knowing, oh my gosh, okay.
• 8:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: No, this does feel really important for
• 8:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: I am ruthless with who I spend my free time with, so, so intentional.
• 8:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, last one that I want to share with you is that when people use to, right, say you got the group chat going and people are like, okay, what do we want to do or even a friend?
• 8:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: What do we want to do?
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  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's get together.
• 8:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: what I used to do as I would totally just go along with whatever everyone else was encouraging, right?
• 8:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Whatever whatever the plans were that everyone else was sharing.
• 8:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: What I have started doing instead is if there's something.
• 8:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: So let's imagine, okay, I got a weekend coming up and I want to make plans with the friend.
• 9:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: What I do now is I really sit with and think about, what would I genuinely wanna do this weekend?
• 9:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: What actually sounds super fun for me?
• 9:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: So some things for me right now that I do wanna spend more time doing, stand up, hot awarding 100%.
• 9:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: I really wanna pull out my roller skates.
• 9:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: I really want to go lion dancing and take lessons.
• 9:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: So those are some things that feel super fun to me.
• 9:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so as I'm brainstorming with a friend, what I used to do is I would just be like, what do you want to do?
• 9:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: And to be honest, when I was younger, I feel like so much of my free time in social hangouts.
• 9:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: were food centered, and I was never a really big drinker, but they were around like food drinking, going out, things like that.
• 9:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: And as my interest changed, I started throwing out some ideas.
• 9:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I'd like pause and notice, ooh, what would actually be so fun so that instead of
• 10:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would actually be excited about like, oh my gosh, yes, Saturday.
• 10:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm doing this thing that I actually would have loved to do by myself.
• 10:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: However, I'm so excited because now I get to go do it with someone else.
• 10:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's something that I actually would genuinely want to do and be excited about.
• 10:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's like a very different energy.
• 10:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: I really felt that energy shift of like, oh my gosh, so it's not only do you get that exciting social time with a friend, but it's also something that feels genuinely, really fun and exciting to you, is huge.
• 10:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so,
• 10:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: I just started throwing ideas out there, so friends were brainstorming, I'd be like, hey, I actually would love to go to this, line dancing lesson this weekend and just see what happens.
• 10:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: See what happens, right?
• 10:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes people aren't into it and there's other ideas and that's amazing.
• 10:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: However, just the idea of speaking up like pausing and tuning in and genuinely asking myself, what would I actually be sight to go do this weekend?
• 10:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's fun that I just said psyched to do this weekend and then throwing that out to the group Throwing that out to the group versus just kind of going along with it, right?
• 11:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: So Okay, those are a few things that I have really grown and shifted in how I show up in my friendships over the last handful over the last 10 years and I hope that you I don't know.
• 11:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: I just hope that you kind of feel a little like
• 11:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: What I would love for you to do is to head over to Instagram and DM me and let me know which one is speaking to you Which one you're like, oh, okay.
• 11:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 11:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 11:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna try this out or you know whichever one spoke to you I was love love to hear from you Hey love.
• 11:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: I hope you enjoyed this episode and a quick reminder for you this show is for educational purposes only Information from this show is not a substitute for mental health or medical treatment
• 11:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: friend.
• 11:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: I hope you enjoyed this episode.
• 11:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: Please share this with a friend who you know would enjoy this or feel free to head over to Instagram and send me a message letting you know what is standing out to you or they loved today's episode.
• 12:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: I so appreciate you.
• 12:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm glad that you're here.
• 12:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day.