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Silent Killers: How Withdrawal and Contempt Destroy Marriage · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for July 29, 2026 Silent Killers How Withdrawal and Contempt Destroy Marriage,
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  Jay Stringer talked about the damage done to marriages when people justify withdrawal
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  or contempt. Let's look at those things.
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  Withdrawal means pulling away, shutting down emotionally, and or stopping all
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  but the most necessary communication.
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  As withdrawal will result in not engaging when there is friction,
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  the lack of arguing is sometimes mistaken for being a good thing.
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  But it's not growth or agreement. It just means the person no longer cares.
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  An apathy is a marriage killer.
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  Withdrawal usually means less physical touch. No longer is there snuggling when
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  going to sleep or waking up.
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  It will likely also mean less sexual engagement.
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  Beyond the physical, it means less emotional interaction.
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  There is less concern for the other's spouse and a lack of support.
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  Other times all these things seem to be present, but it's really just going through the motions.
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  Withdrawal is a marriage emergency. Left untreated, it will end your marriage
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  even if it doesn't lead to divorce.
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  The problem is the one who has withdrawn no longer cares And is not particularly
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  interested in getting help If you see withdrawal developing,
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  act quickly If it's already set in, get help You're going to need it,
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  Contempt can come out as mockery or sarcasm It can be cruel humor,
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  name-calling, or ugly accusations Or it could be as simple as rolling the eyes
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  Or making grunts of disgust.
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  Contempt is a poison Marriage expert John Gottman says it is the single greatest
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  predictor of divorce This makes contempt an even greater emergency than withdrawal.
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  If you realize you are guilty of contempt, deal with it, and be brutal about
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  it. If you know what you use to justify contempt, deal with that.
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  Be on the lookout for contempt, and shut it down at the first hint.
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  Beyond that, apologize.
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  Don't explain or tell your spouse why, just say you were wrong.
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  Tell them that they don't deserve to be treated that way, and you're deeply sorry.
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  If you're the recipient of contempt, I'd suggest you get help.
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  You might try calmly saying, I feel contempt in how you're speaking to me. What's going on?
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  It's unlikely to make a difference in the moment, but if you don't get angry,
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  your spouse might think about it later and realize they were out of line.
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  Nothing your spouse does justifies these marriage-killing actions.
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  Are you guilty of either?
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  This is Paul, and doing marriage well means treating your spouse well.