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#301: When Your Mom is Competitive With You · Black Girls Heal

• 0:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: My job is to somehow make them curious enough.
• 0:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'll persuade them by hook or crow to get more aware of themselves and where they came from and what they are into and what is already there is just to bring it out.
• 0:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is what compels me to compel them and I will do it by whatever means necessary.
• 0:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: We'll talk to the Black Girls Hill podcast where we talk about healer, intimacy disorders, and resolve trauma, and building a healthy relationship with first ourselves, and then others.
• 0:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: Every episode, we will talk about advice you can apply today to break unhealthy patterns, and grow in your self-worth.
• 0:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm Sheenella Shea, a love addition coach and trauma specialist.
• 0:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let's begin.
• 0:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: Hello, hello, and welcome to the latest episode of Black Girls Hills.
• 0:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: So we are in week two of our adjusting our mother and father wounds series.
• 1:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: I hope that last week's episode helped you put into words.
• 1:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: Some things that may have been coming up for you and gave you some next steps of what you wanted to dig deeper into, whether or not it's wounds that have already been healed.
• 1:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: So when you heard about it, you know, like,
• 1:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is no longer me and I'm grateful that I'm able to look at this with the different lens or with instead of it being a wound is now a scar.
• 1:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: I can acknowledge what happened.
• 1:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: I can acknowledge where the hurt was and I can even talk about how it affected me but I have come to a place of closure and acceptance and real healing around it, right?
• 1:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: I hope that was the experience for many of you and for some of you places that it was still Tinder.
• 1:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: It was still a topic or a situation that you felt like you needed more support with that you were able to talk with some trusted others about it.
• 1:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: Talk with your therapist.
• 1:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you're in the members club that you came when you talked about it there and kind of showed your experience and got some insight from people in the community that was also available and is still available for those of you who were not
• 2:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: a part of our members club.
• 2:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's where I offer.
• 2:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: Worksheets for all the podcast episodes.
• 2:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: We have discussions around what we're learning here at the podcast.
• 2:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it is an easy access way for you to build community and take this deeper, whether or not you want to talk with folks or not.
• 2:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: So we're continuing in this series and week two in episode two, looking at when your mom is competitive with you.
• 2:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: So this is a unique pain that is not across the board for all mother rows and all mother trauma.
• 2:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think that is something that I had to learn as a healer, just the nuance between it.
• 2:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: I just want you to know if this has been your experience.
• 2:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: where your mom has the competitive trying to one up you trying to take things from you, take your experiences from you, take credit for the things that you have wanted.
• 2:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: I want you to know that this is not typical.
• 2:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: It may have a common in your household, but it doesn't mean that it is normal for everyone.
• 3:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I hope that in me saying this, I know we're going to talk about this more in this week's podcast episode.
• 3:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I hope in me saying this, it helps you alleviate some of the pain and some of the resentment and some of the overwhelm of what has been like to have such a toxic and chaotic relationship.
• 3:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because when this has been your experience from day one, where you are not even free to be yourself and makes it hard or impossible for you to feel fully free,
• 3:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: and save to explore, to express, to bond with other women because your first in main relationship with the woman has been so contentious and so combative.
• 3:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: So of course you can't really relax and rest because it's what you've known.
• 3:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if this is how your mother is, is chances are that you may have a whole family of other women around you who might also be competitive in the same way.
• 3:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if not, it may have been hard for you to spot who's safe and who's not.
• 3:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: So maybe you've had a lot of friendships with who are competitive.
• 3:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe you've had some other dynamics that work with women who are competitive and it's kind of like that there's that kind of magnet that's attracted to you, but I want you to know that that's not your fault and that these are things that you can break once is in your awareness.
• 4:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: So this episode is about awareness is about elaborating on what this looks like so that you can save this is not what I would like anymore and I would like to have and do something different.
• 4:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I hope that this helps bring that awareness and insight to you and some validation as well.
• 4:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, that's it for now.
• 4:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let's go ahead and jump on it.
• 4:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: Hello, hello and welcome to the Black Girls Hill podcast.
• 4:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: I hope that you were doing well and feeling amazing wherever you are.
• 4:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: However, this podcast episode finds you.
• 4:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: I hope that you were surrounded by people who love you, pour into you and treat you with the love of care that you deserve.
• 4:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if you are not around those people, I hope that this helps you get one step closer to being in those types of relationships and groups.
• 5:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: So with that said, today we are starting our second series for twenty twenty four.
• 5:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I shared at the top of the year, we were going to have a four part series where we are going to be focused on
• 5:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: Building ourselves up to make sure that we are changing our lives, and that we are going in a new direction, and that we are not repeating the same patterns from before.
• 5:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: So for the first few weeks of twenty twenty four, we were focused on ourselves.
• 5:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: We might call it our memos.
• 5:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: where we were looking at building our relationship with ourselves and really building this old romance by looking at, probably show up in relationships.
• 5:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: And at the time that you were listening to this, we would have had our workshop on building itself romance to accumulate as a culmination of all of the things that we learned.
• 5:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: And today,
• 5:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: We are starting our mama trauma month, our mother month.
• 5:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: And this is where we're going to be looking at our relationships with our mothers and mother wounds and how that may play a part in how we show up in relationships specifically by way of love addiction and love avoidance.
• 6:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: So our traumas, the things that happened to us or did not happen to us that we may have needed by way of maybe child herself, childhood.
• 6:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: emotional neglect or things like that, definitely create templates that we can take whether or not we feel safe in this world, how we show up, what is a threat and what's not a threat, whether or not we fight for ourselves, whether or not we try to appease and make other people happy, whether or not we resist and we pull away and we put walls up, all of the starts in childhood.
• 6:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: And what we learn from those relationships and our relationship with our mother is our first relationship.
• 6:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it's foundational for everything.
• 6:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: And of course, all of our caregivers, all the relationships matter, but this is the most intimate one.
• 6:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: In fact, science has shown that we start, we can start to feel and create trauma when we are in the womb.
• 7:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: So before we even exit the womb,
• 7:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: We have emotions that our mother feels towards us and things that are going on in her own life.
• 7:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: The trauma that she's going through all of that gets accepted into us as little children.
• 7:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so this is, again, one of our probably the relationship outside of ourselves.
• 7:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is probably the second most important relationship.
• 7:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: And as coming to terms with healing, the trauma that comes with it, if we did not have a healthy relationship with our mother.
• 7:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that even includes, if over the years, and as she has grown and she has healed,
• 7:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: And learn some things about herself or as you've become, you've gotten better boundaries.
• 7:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you all have had a reconciliation, that is amazing.
• 7:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: And we still have to clear out release, heal some of the thoughts and beliefs that were proven to us or that we adopted as little girls into our adulthood so that we can be free and create messages that actually
• 8:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: ring true in that our healthy and supportive to us.
• 8:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: So today we're going to be focused on those of us who may have other daughter relationships where we feel like our mother is competitive with us, which has caused a lot of unrest.
• 8:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so we're going to break that down today and talk about what that looks like.
• 8:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: So let's jump on in.
• 8:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, so talking about our relationship with our mothers and how and why it is so paramount.
• 8:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: If we do not do the work around this, it's going to be very, very hard for us to move forward because these messages of trauma and everything stay inside of our brain.
• 8:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so our stay is inside of our hearts and our spirits and it can be really, it can feel like we are
• 8:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: trying to fight an uphill battle to move past this.
• 8:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: So we started to build on this and the building a self relationship building a self romance workshop this past weekend where we talked a lot about building a relationship with ourselves that nurturing some body magic stuff that I taught on and and that upcoming workshop for motherhood trauma.
• 9:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: Which is title cutting ties with mother wounds and other family trauma that's going to be on Saturday February, twenty-fourth at ten a.m.
• 9:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: c.s.t.
• 9:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: we're going to we're going to be continuing this work together for another multi-hour workshop where we'll be going deeper into how to leave behind shame and pain that's been projected onto you that doesn't belong to you how to build self-compatch self-compassion of nurturance to get out of your own way.
• 9:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: and how to create a relationship with your mother or any other family members that you can move forward with.
• 9:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: And this includes, if there is still a discord there, what does this look like for us to maintain this and move forward?
• 9:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so you can learn more about that workshop by going to blackgirlsheal.org slash twenty twenty four, clicking on that workshop title and then signing up there and saving your spot.
• 10:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: Today, we're going to look at one of the types of relationships that causes a lot of that pain, which is when your mother may be competitive with you.
• 10:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: So having a relationship with a mother who is competitive with you is deeply painful and deeply confusing as a young child, because you do not know what is happening and why is happening.
• 10:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can't understand why your mother may have so much venom towards you, so much anger, so much resentment, so much disgust.
• 10:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: You don't realize that what is happening is jealousy and a projection of her own brokenness.
• 10:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: What it feels like is that you are wrong.
• 10:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: That there is something wrong with you.
• 10:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: that you are in the way that you are burdened, that you are broken, and that you are not good enough.
• 10:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: Even if your mother's competitiveness shows up in by way of narcissism, which we're going to talk specifically about narcissism on another time, even though
• 11:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: What we're going to be talking about here as far as a mother being competitive with you absolutely has traits of narcissism, but it doesn't necessarily mean that your mother is a narcissist.
• 11:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: But this is definitely one of the qualities that happens when there is narcissists a personality disorder at play.
• 11:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: But even when your mother maybe is not a full narcissist, this still creates so much self doubt and maybe even self hatred and uncertainty on what is right and what is wrong, on whether or not you can trust yourself to move forward, whether or not you can trust your own decisions, whether or not your decisions are good enough.
• 11:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: It causes a lot of confusion for you in your body because here you have someone that you truly
• 11:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: love and want to be close with and want to build a relationship with.
• 11:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: But then the ways that she may talk to you or treat you or put you down or be unsupportive is really angering and very frustrating and unfair and confusing.
• 12:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: And no matter how much you may try to communicate, what's happening for you especially the older you get,
• 12:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: and the more emotional awareness and intelligence that you're able to cultivate and build on your own, trying to bring that back to the relationship.
• 12:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: If these are things that your mother is not willing to look at, look at, it is the gaslighting that may happen or just the straight denial and refusal is very, again, infuriating and very saddening.
• 12:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: And there's a lot of grieving that may happen.
• 12:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, and then also, a lot of confusion within your own self too, trying to figure out if you're making this up.
• 12:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, it doesn't.
• 12:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: We don't talk a lot about mothers being jealous with their daughters.
• 12:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: They, it's in all the different types of traumas that may happen.
• 13:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's something that we kind of feel.
• 13:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: I wonder if it's something that is so abnormal,
• 13:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: that people are that is thought to be so abnormal, that people don't think that this is something that needs to be talked about.
• 13:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so because it is not talked about, we don't realize how common it is.
• 13:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: And we also don't realize the science of what it looks like.
• 13:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so when it's happening to you, you don't really know how to place it.
• 13:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: You don't really know what label or name to put on it because that can be what's happening.
• 13:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: My mom is a full grown adult woman.
• 13:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: Why would she be jealous of me?
• 13:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: What is it that I could possibly be doing as a three year old, a four year old, a five year old, a twenty five year old, a thirty five year old that is threatening to my mother.
• 13:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's generally that can't be it.
• 13:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, maybe she just has bad days sometimes or maybe sometimes she doesn't just doesn't have a filter.
• 13:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe she does have some insecurities, but it's not that she's jealous of me.
• 14:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: And we'll do again, all these mental gymnastics to try to rationalize a way what is happening because
• 14:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's you don't want to be the source of that because when you're on the source of that competitiveness and jealousy or depending on how it may present with your mother and I'm going to I am going to give some examples.
• 14:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can really want to rescue your mom from feeling that way to show her I'm not a threat.
• 14:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love you and I support you and you can be you and I can be me and we can both do these things together.
• 14:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: We don't have to be my war against each other.
• 14:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so you may try to play Kate, you may try to appease, you may try to rationalize with.
• 14:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: And when that's not received, again, that is hurtful.
• 14:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: It is very hurtful.
• 14:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it can make you feel very helpless and overwhelmed.
• 14:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so here are some examples of how competitiveness may show up in your relationship with your mother of this is something that you have experienced before.
• 15:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: One thing that may happen is that she may blend your identities together, so you can't have anything without her having it first or having it with you.
• 15:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: So whether or not it is a style of dress, a hairstyle, a way of talking, a trip that you go to eating style or a diet, you decide you want to go vegan.
• 15:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: She wants to go vegan.
• 15:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: There is definitely a consistent
• 15:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: one up ink or one in two merge and be you.
• 15:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so that may happen.
• 15:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: You may also find that she is highly critical either highly critical of the choices that you make or highly bored by what you are doing or your accomplishments.
• 15:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: So whatever you have going on, she's shooting it down.
• 15:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's not good enough.
• 15:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: She could have done it better.
• 15:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: She heard of somebody else doing it better.
• 15:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: Just really minimizing what is important to you, and acting as if it is insignificant, frivolous, immature, waste of time, or
• 16:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: Just really pulling out all the energy in the room so that when you do say something that you are happy about or proud of, she's so disinterested that it makes you feel as if what you're doing again is worthless.
• 16:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so it.
• 16:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: I see this a lot with my clients and my students who may have a mother who is competitive with them or jealous of them and they.
• 16:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have gotten this question so many times there's something good that is happening in their life or something that they're really excited about.
• 16:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: and they're telling everyone and they really want to tell their mom.
• 16:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: So their question is, well, how do I tell my mom this?
• 16:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because sometimes when I tell her, she is not happy for me or she has something negative to say.
• 16:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I really don't want it to be that way.
• 16:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: So what is the right way for me to say this so that she does not attack or minimize what it is that I want to bring.
• 16:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so we'll talk about it, but short verse that I want to tell you all here is
• 17:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: that your mom's response, especially if this is a consistent pattern in your life.
• 17:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: And you've already had different conversations with her about these types of things.
• 17:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is not about presentation.
• 17:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's not about delivery.
• 17:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's not about communication patterns and styles.
• 17:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's about your mother's own brokenness and her need to now play and put others down that makes her react or not react in this way.
• 17:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that is not under your local self-control.
• 17:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: When you're young child,
• 17:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: You grow up with this belief that you have more power and influence than you actually do by nature of just
• 17:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: this development, childhood development.
• 17:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: We go through different stages where the world truly is centered on us.
• 17:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so we believe that we call things.
• 17:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: We believe that we are the center of things.
• 17:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: Most of us, you know, went through a stage where we wondered if we might have even had superpowers.
• 17:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if we could turn off the lights or bring things to us, or whatever it may be, because that's part of not only a child building their imagination, but also learning their place in the world.
• 18:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: So when you have a light that has a lot of chaos,
• 18:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: And this chord around it, a lot of neglect or a lot of abuse, you can think that you are the reason why mommy is so sad, or you are the reason why relationships are not working out, or you are the reason why everyone is so stressed.
• 18:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: Not realizing that there is a whole big world that is happening and was happening before you even got here.
• 18:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: And the emotional
• 18:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: maturity and health of a grown adult person has nothing to do with you.
• 18:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: But they are the one who is in charge of building their own set of skills and ability to show up without putting that pressure and traumatizing other people, especially young children around them.
• 18:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: But you as a young child, you don't know that.
• 18:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so you just grow up with this belief that it is your responsibility to fix and to appease and to make others comfortable.
• 19:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: So in this example, this is it just makes sense that this is how this shows up.
• 19:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: How can I show up in a way that makes this easier because you think that what is happening here is about you, but it's not about you.
• 19:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: It has never been about you.
• 19:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: You may be the target of what's happening.
• 19:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: You may be the person that's been scooped go to it for most of your life.
• 19:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: You may be the one who has been that problems have been blamed on, but
• 19:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: We just know, just you just know in general that if you ever meet someone who's always saying that this other person is the problem that is that person's fault.
• 19:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: At some point, you got to look at the person say, okay, well, then what are you going to do about it?
• 19:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: If this person is so horrible and you are in a relationship with them, then sounds like you need to change your mindset and do something different.
• 19:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: Otherwise, you're choosing to be miserable.
• 19:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: Right.
• 19:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: At some point, you got to stop blaming other people for how you feel.
• 19:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so if your mother has been blaming you for her depression, for her sadness, for her anger, for the reasons why she is behind in life, sounds like she needs to do something different and make a decision to choose to have her power back.
• 20:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because lamenting about what could have been and what should have been is not making her bring, not bringing her any closer to her freedom.
• 20:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: If anything is making her feel worse,
• 20:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: And and there's not enough blame and projection that's going to get your time back as long as you have breathing your lungs right now and powering your bodies and the ability to move forward and a sound mind you have the resources to make a change.
• 20:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it may be hard and it may be very big, but that's not the same thing as impossible.
• 20:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'll say that again, something may be really hard.
• 20:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it could be a really giant task to do, but that's not the same as it being impossible, unless you decide that it's impossible.
• 20:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so it's up to you as a daughter, if you are a daughter in this situation to understand that you are not in charge of moving your mother's mountains and rocks, that that is her role.
• 21:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's always been her role.
• 21:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: Your role is only what's in front of you.
• 21:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: Another example of how this competitiveness may show up is
• 21:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: The same things that she is criticizing you and telling you that it's not good enough or is dumb or is frivolous or the exact same things after she's convinced you to not do with that she picks it up herself to do.
• 21:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: She may try to or have has been successful in taking friends from you, taking lovers from you, showing that she's still got it by way of humiliating you and showing that she's better than you.
• 21:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: So these are all examples of
• 21:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: of a mother daughter relationship that is competitive.
• 21:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I've already shared how this impacts us and by way of making us feel as if we are to blame, but in relationships it makes us
• 21:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: more susceptible to being co-dependent.
• 22:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: It makes us more susceptible to not really knowing ourselves and loving ourselves and makes it harder for us to trust others.
• 22:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, that was one of the things that I would see, especially when I first started for work every school program was all the women who will come in with this core with their mothers and by way of being in our group calls, seeing a lot of their
• 22:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: fear and animosity or distrust of women dissipate because now they're in a safe community with other women who are actually moving forward and actually can't communicate and actually are not going to hold a grudge and are actually going to communicate.
• 22:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so seeing that that was possible was in itself just mind blowing and healing and it helps to give hope that this exists in the real world.
• 22:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: Outside of the internet and outside of our little safe space and bubble and it helped to create more change.
• 23:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: And when you're not loved or seen or seen by your first relationships, it also says the stage for you to not know or expect to be loved and to be esteemed and to be cherished by the people around you as well.
• 23:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: You don't know what tenderness looks like.
• 23:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: You are used to that nagging that I talked about a few episodes back of someone giving you a backhand accomplishment.
• 23:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't, I was thinking today about there was one example of nagging that I didn't give, but I think it may fit here.
• 23:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: a personal example.
• 23:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: So there was a guy that I was dating that turned out to be a narcissist.
• 23:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: And well, I kind of, I'm going to sell the red flags.
• 23:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: But he was a narcissist and one and he was really into music.
• 23:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: And there was one time, and he would always be having conversations with his friends and everything about music and things.
• 23:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I would try to give my opinion.
• 23:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: And he would just kind of gloss over it, not really pay attention to it.
• 23:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so for me, at that point in time, not realizing that this was a red flag, it kind of made me want to prove myself more.
• 24:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it made me want to show that I could fit in.
• 24:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't see his dismissal of me.
• 24:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: As that being a red flag, I just saw, okay, it's just personally different, so you just like really gets into its conversations.
• 24:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't see.
• 24:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: I did not have the concept that no one should be disrespecting you and no matter whether or not you had a degree in music or what I'm afraid may be.
• 24:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: that just basic respect is a minimum expectation.
• 24:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: So anyways, he was really into music.
• 24:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I recommended a music artist.
• 24:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: And we were all driving me in a group of his friends.
• 24:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: We were driving one night here in Houston to wherever we were going.
• 24:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so they put this music artist on.
• 24:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it was great music because I have good taste.
• 24:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: And he was like, oh, wow.
• 24:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: That was a really good suggestion.
• 25:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: And like genuine surprise that I could even suggest something that was of good quality.
• 25:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I remember being a little bit perturbed by it, being like, of course, like if you were just listening to me, then of course, I could do more things, but again, I did a realize the amount of this respect and
• 25:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: the meaning attitude that came in that to just question or to state along with assuming that someone like me could ever have such good taste in anything.
• 25:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so that type of negative behavior was not on my radar as bad behavior because I have been used to criticisms backhand accomplishments, me needing to prove myself, people not respecting my opinion, just because
• 25:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: me having to kind of have a wall up in defense with this stuff, right?
• 25:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so these types of things making more susceptible to being relationships that are not safe from the start.
• 26:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so more reason for us to look at these wounds and where they come from and also getting out of it.
• 26:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: So we're going to be talking about this more at our workshop on Saturday the twenty-fourth at Tinney and the cutting ties with mother wounds workshop and what to do about this.
• 26:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: But for now, let's talk about some of the reasons why
• 26:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: Your mother may be competitive with you and I've already shared a little bit about this and the first half of this episode.
• 26:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: But what I found in this could just be a me thing this could just be the way that my brain operates, but I find that sometimes I find healing and having some understanding of why something is happening versus it being this big.
• 26:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: kind of ethereal abstracting that I can't put a hand on or put a label on.
• 26:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I think that's also, I mean, that's been the basic premise of this podcast, right?
• 26:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I talked about it more in the earlier episodes when I was talking about my healing from love addiction.
• 27:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: I was doing all these things when it came to relationships and pushing people away and letting people in and acting addictive and
• 27:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: and being really codependent and just losing my mind while I am supposed to be an expert in helping people with relationships to grow, got a whole master's and marriage and family therapy.
• 27:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm helping other people change their life and me while my life is in shambles behind the scenes.
• 27:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so just really wondering what is
• 27:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: going on there and so when I finally found the term love addiction and I could find the symptoms for it and the process out of it or what people were saying was the process out of it at that point it relieved something in me it released something in me this pressure
• 27:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: And wait that I felt like this is my fault or there was something that was wrong with me because I just couldn't get it right and my friends could get it right and my friends could have securely attached relationships and my friends could go through breakups without
• 28:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: not having to be stuck in bed for so long and having their complete existence be questioned because now they were single again or now they were going through this big art break you know no one else felt the depths at that point and so finding words for what I was going through
• 28:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: Just really help me know that I wasn't alone and because there was a word for it and because there were descriptors of it, that it could be defined meant that there was a way out, right, meant that there was a solution for it.
• 28:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I'm going to give you a couple of reasons here today and hopes that this can either hit on what you may have seen or know about your mother.
• 28:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: or maybe spark some connections to other things you have seen or heard before before you to ultimately know that this is not you, that this is not your fault, and to help you move forward.
• 28:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay?
• 29:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: So the first reason why your mother may be competitive with you, her child, is that she has dreams on the field that you embody or that you have the time and access and the resources to go and get that she has not gotten.
• 29:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so she is jealous of that you represent for her dreams that are lost dreams that she abandoned and this is not because you caused it's not because you are the source of this pain, but again, these are projections.
• 29:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: It is very easy all and I know that this.
• 29:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: I know even me just saying that out loud can be very hard because especially if you had a mother who was competitive with you and did not even think about things that just you kind of felt in the air but she may have actually said this to you.
• 29:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: She may have said this out loud.
• 29:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: She may have said something as horrible as horrible and wrong as you ruined her life out loud to you and it can stay with you.
• 30:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so hearing me say these things
• 30:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're you're thinking like when I say this isn't your fault.
• 30:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't connect because everything in you has told you that this is your fault and that you have.
• 30:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm called so much pain and I want to remind you of something first before I continue to go your life is precious.
• 30:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: You are valuable here on this earth.
• 30:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Your existence has been the source of so much love and joy and there are things that you only you can do in this world and no one else can do.
• 30:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: no one else and it doesn't matter what anyone has told you that your mix, your make that, your belief, your values, your height, your body shape, your skin color, the way that you are here in this earth is purposeful and is intentional.
• 30:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: And there is no mistake in you.
• 31:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: There's no mistake in your existence.
• 31:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: There's no mistake in your presence.
• 31:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: There's no mistake, even when one has brought you to this point because it is informed you to let you know not only the things that you want but the things that you don't want.
• 31:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: And there are people who have had trauma and sadly that includes our mothers sometimes.
• 31:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: that have had trauma that no one taught them how to work through, how to circumvent, that they have strategies and things that happen that no one helped them with and it made them feel hurt.
• 31:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: It made them feel bitter and it made them, it made them really truly put them in some unfair situations.
• 31:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: But you as a helpless young little girl, as a young baby in this world,
• 31:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: Your only job here was just to exist and be here.
• 31:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: You did not come here to be someone's cure, to be someone's remedy, someone's solution that has always been on the illness of that person.
• 32:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so sometimes it is easier when you were feeling very hopeless.
• 32:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: And when you are grieving what could have been and what might have been for you to find a person or a thing or a situation to really focus on.
• 32:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: And rumenate on, and if this was different, if this was better, then I would be better.
• 32:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: But like I said, earlier in this episode, at some point, let's let's just say that that's true.
• 32:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let's say that something really bad and horrible happened to you, that really threw you off base.
• 32:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: How long are you going to allow that to stop you from moving forward?
• 32:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: At some point, the onus is on you.
• 32:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: It may explain what happened, but it doesn't explain you, but it does not excuse you.
• 32:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so if your mother has projected her on fulfilled dreams and her kind of learned helplessness and the reason is why she is kind of feeding this fear and insecurity that she's too old, that is too late, that she doesn't have enough, that she isn't enough and has put that on to you, that is between her and herself.
• 33:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: that has nothing to do with you.
• 33:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: And you as a daughter going back to what I was saying about this means so confusing.
• 33:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can see these things, and especially because you are a good daughter, the majority of the women that I work with feel the way I'm about to say is that you can see what's going on.
• 33:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can see the impact of this, and it may even make you a little bit angry, but you love your mama so much that it pains you to see her in pain.
• 33:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're paying you to see someone that you see all the potential in, that you see all the beauty in, that you see all the talent in, that she cannot see for herself.
• 33:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: And you want her to see it.
• 33:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: You want her to feel better.
• 33:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: You want her to have everything that she wants in desires.
• 34:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: But the vitriol that comes at you is really painful too.
• 34:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: And the vitriol is not only painful for you, but it stops her from being able to see that she has all the power and and majesty and light in her hands that she's never lost it, right?
• 34:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: That just like worth the always had, those Ruby res supers that could take her home at any time, your mother has that and whatever form in her own life as well.
• 34:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: And seeing that disconnect makes it hard for you.
• 34:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's like you really love her.
• 34:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: But like I said, we're going to talk more about how to let all this go, this project of stuff go in our workshop, but I'm telling you right now, but the thing that you need to do here is to understand that you are not an intermediate intermediary for your mother having all of her dreams come true.
• 34:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: Your mother is in charge of making her own dreams come true.
• 35:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: You aren't charged of building your own life.
• 35:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: You aren't charged of building what works for you.
• 35:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: And her job in this world was to raise a daughter to raise a woman to be her best self.
• 35:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: And by her doing that, she is successful.
• 35:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: A whether or not that best self comes out as a chef, or comes out as a school teacher, or comes out as a stay at home mom, or comes out as a piecaster, or comes out as a sales associate at Nordstrom,
• 35:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: She as long as that woman is confident and standing on her feet and has built a healthy relationship of love and queen them on the inside of her your mother has done her job and that is something for her to be proud of and if she cannot see that that is for her to manage and work through not you.
• 35:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: A second reason why your mother may be competitive with you is if she has been unloved by men or by others.
• 36:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: And you represent love that was so easily given to you that she cannot connect with.
• 36:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: So we have or maybe in my world I have, but I'm gonna say we just for ease of telling this, but we hear lots of stories of mothers who are jealous of their daughter's relationships with their fathers.
• 36:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: and because they feel like that daughter is getting minus and attentiveness and love and tenderness and adoration and gifting and affection that the mother is not getting and so you become the other woman you become the mistress you become the source of discord and so she may treat you less than or treat you like the enemy because of what she has
• 36:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: made up that there can only be one woman.
• 36:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: There can only be one number one and even though you are a child and even though you are her child, you are in the state where you are someone who needs to be taken down, you're physically either emotionally for you to know your place for her to prove that you are
• 37:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: not as good as your father or as other people say that you are by way of her showing how good better she is in other areas of her life and so that is how that may show up.
• 37:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's going to be really painful because for some of us, it has put us in a lot of physical harm not only by way of relationship with our mother whether or not there was physical or emotional abuse but even with
• 37:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: maybe keeping partners around that shouldn't have been there that were threats or not listening to us when we have shared that we were uncomfortable about things.
• 37:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so all of that makes it hard for us to trust that people are going to listen to us and makes it again, hard for us to trust other women and other relationships because our first horrible relationship has been with a woman who was competitive with us when it came to
• 38:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: men in our life when it came to love and affection in our life, that withheld love and affection for us because they didn't want us to be spoiled or they didn't want us to get too comfortable with being loved and taking care of.
• 38:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: And, you know, hopefully me saying that out loud, if you can hear how absurd that is, how strangers and
• 38:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe for some of you, it's not.
• 38:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe you hear me say that and you're like, yeah, that's what I was taught.
• 38:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's what I saw.
• 38:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: You don't want to cuddle kids too much.
• 38:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: You don't want to hug your kids too much because then they're going to learn what what what finished that sentence.
• 38:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: What are they going to learn that your parents will always be there for you?
• 38:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: That your parents will love you.
• 38:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: But there's a safe space for you to cry with things get really hard.
• 39:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: that there's such a thing as soft gentle touch that doesn't want something from you that's not going to come back and hit you or want something sexual for you.
• 39:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: Those are the messages that happens when a child is given love and affection and care consistently from a safe space.
• 39:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: It that is why it's called secure attachment because it makes it easier for you to go out and trust yourself and trust the world and also let you know that if there's anyone who does something that's not according to this safe space and safe base that I have something's up.
• 39:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: However, if my safe base with draws love from me doesn't give love to me is there's there's contingents attached to it.
• 39:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: When they are affectionate with me is because they want something else or love an affection means something sexual so now that when I'm
• 39:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: having normal love and affection with people, I think it has to go somewhere sexual.
• 40:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't trust that anyone wants something from me unless there is a sexual connection from it.
• 40:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: Those are the types of messages that get implanted when we don't have that secure, healthy, consistent love and affection from adults.
• 40:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: And there is a balance between coddling and abling, but
• 40:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think for many people who have had extreme restriction to affection and to love and to emotional care and nurturance, we are so far away from the coddling and enabling that it will be surprising to us just to be able to be held by someone just because and to for someone to look in our eyes and just really adore us and love us just because that would probably be very jarring.
• 40:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so that's part of what we
• 40:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: are having to unlearn and learn how to lean into.
• 40:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that body magic stuff that I have talked about is where this really comes into play.
• 41:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: And going along with this, there's an example that I already shared before is she has learned another reason why your mother may be competitive with years as she has learned that there can only be one person in the room that is the best, that for her to feel good enough, she has to trump everybody in the room.
• 41:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: And sometimes you can be the source of this.
• 41:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: This can also be other people in the room.
• 41:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: She has to be the one who looks the best.
• 41:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: She has to be the one that's the funniest.
• 41:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: She has to be the one who's telling the best jokes.
• 41:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: She has to be the one who has to fly as per she has to be the one who's making the most money.
• 41:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: She has to be that person and she will crush and dominate anyone who is standing in.
• 41:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: that plan and so you coming up whether or not is your youth or your beauty or your hope in life or again compliments or things that are just so non-threatening and just innocuous and just neutral in this world and it can kind of come out of nowhere while the the putdowns and the knocking you down and the
• 42:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: Um, wanting to one up you and Trump was going on that you just know it just hitting your gut and it just doesn't feel good.
• 42:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: And you don't understand what that's coming from.
• 42:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: But, you know, when people have low self esteem and this comes from the work of P. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E
• 42:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: One of the things that she teaches in her model is that when people are going from a place to those self-esteem, usually there's two ways that this may
• 42:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: show up either by needing to go one up or going one down.
• 42:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: So one up is what I've already shared.
• 42:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're so insecure that they need to find a way that they are better than other people in the room.
• 42:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: So there's a lot of beautiful women in the room that she may go towards in her mind.
• 42:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, at least I'm the most freshly successful here.
• 43:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: If there is a lot of people in the room who have a whole lot of money,
• 43:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, at least I'm the prettiest in the room.
• 43:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: Or at least I'm the smallest person in the room.
• 43:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: Or whatever it may be, but she has to do something in her mind to justify her existence and justify that she belongs places by going one up.
• 43:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: One down is I still worse than everybody in this room.
• 43:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not good enough.
• 43:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not pretty enough.
• 43:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not smart enough.
• 43:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm aware that I don't belong in this room or at least that I feel like I don't belong in this room.
• 43:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Another people give me compliments.
• 43:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: I downplay them.
• 43:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's hard for me to receive them.
• 43:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I will push it away.
• 43:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: So either both those are ways to protect a person from actually being in touch with their core self.
• 43:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: With their core self, they would actually have to believe that they are good enough and that they're space for other people without having to beat them out, which is difficult for the person who goes one up.
• 43:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: And for the person who goes one down is very scary to believe that you are good enough because they'll wet if someone knocks you down what if someone proves that you are actually an imposter and that you're actually not the person that
• 44:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: you really want to be.
• 44:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it's better just to downplay your existence and your value.
• 44:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so your journey is towards really embodying that person and being expansive versus being restrictive and versus being competitive.
• 44:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so your mother if she is not learned how to really esteem herself because she had to fight for everything and she had to prove this.
• 44:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: She was better than everyone that goes for literally everyone.
• 44:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: Everyone who's in her path including
• 44:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: You.
• 44:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
• 44:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: So that is a lot.
• 44:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I hope that by sharing this that this gives you some insight of what may have been happening of these are things that you have not explored and unpacked previously and therapy or by way of other places that you're learning about your relationships and your trauma and all of that, these are really important things for us to learn and to break down and to work through.
• 45:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have noticed that whenever I do my mother workshops, they are the ones that the tier is come.
• 45:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: No matter how impactful or juicy any of the other topics are, this is the one that usually gets us in our fields because there's so much for us to work through and to unpack and so I'm looking forward to teaching this workshop.
• 45:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: This will be the third mother wound workshop that I've taught.
• 45:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm really excited about my approach for this one because it's going to be different than some of the ways that I've treated and taught these methods before.
• 45:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's going to be some more information as well.
• 45:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I look forward to us coming together in a few weekends to really break this down and to heal from it and to cut ties from all these messages and all of these ways that have been put on us that have
• 46:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're never ours to deal with in the first place.
• 46:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I will let you see you at our cutting ties with our mother wounds and other family trauma workshop.
• 46:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: On Saturday, February, twenty fourth at ten a.m.
• 46:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: C. S. T. if you're not able to join me live because you are working because you were in another time zone because you got kids around you because there's a family gathering that day.
• 46:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can still enroll in the workshop you would access to the replay.
• 46:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're able to submit questions about your specific situation as well.
• 46:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I will answer all those questions and coach everyone through what is submitted to me and you are able to keep this workshop for life.
• 46:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: That is it for now.
• 46:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, do I say the link that a black girl's heel dot org slash twenty twenty four two zero two four in order to say receipt and my back says to that and make sure you enroll right when you feel like this is for you a lot of times people procrastinate and I noticed that if I don't send
• 47:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: The right amount of reminder emails.
• 47:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: There's always folks who register at the last minute.
• 47:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I would hate for the procrastination bug to get ahold of you, especially if you're not on the mailing list.
• 47:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: So as soon as you hear me talk about workshops and talk about offerings, you're like, that is what I need.
• 47:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: Go ahead.
• 47:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Stop what you're doing.
• 47:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: Pause your walk.
• 47:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: Open your browser.
• 47:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: Click on the link and go ahead and register.
• 47:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: Use your little Apple Pay button.
• 47:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: Um, and save your seat.
• 47:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it's one less thing for you to worry about and so that you can set yourself up for success.
• 47:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: So that's it for now.
• 47:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's it for now.
• 47:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's it.
• 47:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: You all so much love and I'll see you in our next episode.
• 47:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: We care.