Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Do You Love Your Wife Or Do You Love How She Reflects On You?

Transcript

Do You Love Your Wife Or Do You Love How She Reflects On You? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:06
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor psych mom show.
• 0:09
  I have bad news, I'm reconsidering everything because
• 0:14
  I got this comment where it's public on my page, where I had a
• 0:20
  one of my posts. It says, if you didn't see a
• 0:23
  close relationship between your parents, it's hard to know how
• 0:25
  to have one yourself. You are the template for your
• 0:27
  kids, future relationships, couples counseling can help.
• 0:30
  Then this fellow who is game changer, you know, that should
• 0:35
  be as Name, he wrote farthest from the truth separately,
• 0:40
  newness wears off psychologically, and
• 0:42
  emotionally. That's how hormones work be
• 0:44
  mature live in your short time on Earth, humans are not meant
• 0:47
  to be together more than a few hours a week.
• 0:49
  I think it's best for you to end your proliferation of
• 0:51
  information on Facebook that does nothing more than add gas
• 0:54
  to the fire. So as a public comment and so
• 0:57
  I'm going to change my career which I wrote I said thank you
• 1:00
  for commenting. You're right I will change my
• 1:02
  world view and career right now. So I'm done.
• 1:06
  You know, and I leave you this Legacy of podcast episodes which
• 1:12
  now I disavow because of this life-changing lightbulb moment
• 1:16
  moment. So please guys, please leave me
• 1:18
  those comments. Those are super useful.
• 1:21
  All right? Anyway, I've just been getting
• 1:25
  like, so many man's bleeding comments and not that the women
• 1:30
  are better. I had a woman who was telling me
• 1:33
  that she doesn't like my facial expressions.
• 1:35
  Thankfully, I directed her to my podcast where she doesn't have
• 1:38
  to be offended by my face. Thank God, I have many different
• 1:41
  media in play. But anyway, if you feel like
• 1:44
  writing me in a comment, you know, please do some of the
• 1:48
  funnier ones. Maybe I will tell you guys
• 1:51
  about, please also do subscribe, and so then you can get like
• 1:55
  eighty four episodes. The most recent, is, your wife
• 1:59
  doesn't want to go to couples counseling.
• 2:01
  Is this some bullshit or is she just like making stuff?
• 2:05
  To get away from you. Or does she really have other
• 2:08
  reasons for packing, her schedule?
• 2:10
  So tightly that you can't go to couples counseling.
• 2:12
  Okay, so what are we talking about today?
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  We are talking about, all right? So in general, the point that I
• 2:21
  try to make generally is that people can take each other shit,
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  personally. So with guys, I try to talk so
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  much about what women sex drive does with in monogamy, because
• 2:31
  it means you shouldn't take it personally, right?
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  And all women are going to act like, Like this more or less
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  like if they start out with a super high sex drive and a
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  physical touch love language than cool.
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  They're going to have less of a decrease.
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  But but in reality, everybody has a decrease within monogamy.
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  So, you know, don't take it personally.
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  So many guys are taking it personally, that doesn't mean
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  that it can't be like upsetting or something that you work on,
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  but it isn't about you per se, you know, like her her innate
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  levels of spontaneous desire. Are going to go down no matter
• 3:02
  what the hell you do. So the best is Be the sort of
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  guy that she wants to learn about responsive Desire with and
• 3:09
  get herself into a headspace where she can have sex with you.
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  Right. But like, globally on a much
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  broader level, you got to really ask yourself this question.
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  And this goes along with that whole, like, nice guy thing and
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  what I called the gentleman eunuch and what some guys call
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  implicit contracts, you know, do you love your wife?
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  Do you really want the best for your wife, or Or do you mostly
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  care about how your wife reflect reflect on you.
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  And this is a tough question. So you got to do some actual
• 3:44
  tough love towards yourself. You know.
• 3:46
  This can be the conduit for that but I don't have you in my
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  office so I can't directly give it to you but you got to give it
• 3:53
  to yourself by listening to this and opening your mind, you know.
• 3:56
  So every time I have a podcast where it basically says, hey
• 4:00
  maybe like either gender isn't perfect.
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  I got like five people stop subscribing or All right.
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  Fine. You know like you spend your
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  money how you want but it's smarter to be like this triggers
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  me. Why?
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  Well, the guys were going to be most triggered by the idea of
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  examining whether they truly want the best for their wives
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  are. Probably the guys that don't
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  want the best for their wives that really just want their
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  wives to do what is best for them.
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  But guy. So if you find it super
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  upsetting and triggering to think about the idea that you
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  met primarily care, like about how your wife makes you feel
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  about. What you and I'll explain what I
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  mean by reflects on you or makes you feel about you in a second
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  then you're exactly the intended audience of this podcast, right?
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  The reality is that it's extremely hard it's like a super
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  mature and evolved way of thinking to genuinely
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  Unconditionally Love another human being, you know,
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  especially an intimate partner because you're, you know, your
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  fate is so inextricably entwined with there's you know so with a
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  woman of her sex drive Goes down, you're not having sex.
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  So, I mean, it's kind of hard to Unconditionally Love Somebody
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  that holds the keys to whether or not you have a sex life.
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  So, you know, that's just the truth.
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  However, it still needs to be remarked upon, and it still
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  needs to be explored that then you may not unconditionally
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  loved her. So you shouldn't say you do.
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  Because if you unconditionally love your wife, usually, she's
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  going to pick up on that and be her best self.
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  However, if there is a contract that you only love her when she
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  makes you feel good about yourself, Elf.
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  And a primary way that this happens is by telling you that
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  you're attractive, either explicitly, or by giving you the
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  sort of enthusiastic adventurous responsive sex that you in your
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  mind correlate with a woman. Finding me, very attractive if
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  that's the only way that you really care about your wife is
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  if she does that kind of thing and otherwise you have burning
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  seething resentment toward her. Then she's going to pick up on
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  that and like any human being, she is going.
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  To be repelled by it and she's going to not like that.
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  Same as if you thought, you only wanted you for your earning
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  potential or for your ability, to give child care to the kids
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  and to vacuum, or fix the roof, or whatever you do, you know,
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  nobody wants a transactional relationship.
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  So, you really need to interrogate, whether you are
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  giving unconditional love truly to your wife because if you are,
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  it's likely that she is more calm more.
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  Or secure and treats you better you know because everybody loves
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  who loves them. She may be picking when women
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  say you only want me for sex. Yes, that is an inane remark
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  within marriage. I have a podcast with that title
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  because how you only going to be with her for the 15 minutes of
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  sex, she gives you every two weeks, right?
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  Like that's obvious bullshit. However what is she picking up
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  on that makes her say that. Is it a transactionality?
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  Use too much of your self-esteem and this is particularly for
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  more preoccupied attachment. And in which case you should
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  read my listen to my preoccupied, attachment husband
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  podcast. But is it only that when she
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  makes you feel good about yourself that you can respond in
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  a loving manner? Because that's a transaction,
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  you know, that's like only liking the teachers that give
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  you an A-Plus, you know, versus like just caring about the
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  teacher themselves, you know? And it's an imperfect analogy.
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  Obviously the teacher has hand over you but in in in a in a
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  row. Relationship.
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  The goal is to give 100% not 50%.
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  I've discussed this a lot. If you're only giving 50% and
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  then you get upset, if you're given 49 percentage, he's given
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  fifty one percent. You know, if you're giving 51
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  and she's giving 49 or whatever, this is why I dislike that fair
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  play book so much. I have a podcast all about that.
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  How any any worldview that focuses on transactionality is
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  necessarily going to limit the Deep intimacy that can Be
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  created within that relationship, right?
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  If you only loved your kids, when they were nice to you, then
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  I mean shit, like you would love them past age like 13.
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  So what do I mean, by also by reflect on you, there are so
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  many men. Okay, so this is a good example,
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  actually. So many men get really angry
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  kind of, when the woman decides, she doesn't care about how she
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  looks anymore. So she's either in menopause or
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  close to menopause, or after menopause.
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  And she's like, you know, I'm not going to wear heels anymore.
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  They hurt my feet. I'm not going to wear underwire
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  bras, they hurt my boobs. I'm not going to put on makeup
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  because honestly I don't care anymore.
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  I don't really need it and whatever else.
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  So and the guy really gets mad. Why does he get mad?
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  Because she looks old. That's why and he doesn't want
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  to look old and having an old wife makes you old, you know?
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  And that's like, again, tough love to think about whether
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  that's why it bothers you. But that's why it bothers, many
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  people, a lot of guys and I've talked At this a lot, especially
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  if they have a lot of money and they're very successful, they
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  feel like they're out running Faith, like they never have to
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  get old, you know, they're in the best shape of their lives.
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  They've joined this amazing Jim. They're climbing, you know, rock
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  walls, whatever the fuck they're doing their spare time and
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  they're taking a million supplements, and they feel like
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  they're in their Prime and if your wife decides that she just
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  doesn't feel like dressing a certain way anymore, that could
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  be very angering, you know. And so if you think about how
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  much of your Your image and your identity is coming from your
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  wife being you know looking a certain way acting a certain way
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  and responding a certain way sexually.
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  Then you may start to be uncomfortable, you know?
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  Because would you want that much of her identity to be based on?
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  Like, for example your career, you know, if you're like a
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  successful surgeon and she says, you know what, I like being a
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  surgeon's wife and you want to retire but I don't really like
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  that, you know, like I don't like your idea of going In
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  Doctors Without Borders or whatever.
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  That is a really good example because it happens a lot like
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  you make a certain amount of money, a lot of the guys I work
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  with and then they decide to do something else, you know,
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  because they want to give back right?
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  And the wife don't really want them to give back, you know, not
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  yet. Like she's got some more stuff
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  that she wants to do. And she basically likes the
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  identity that comes along with somebody, that's at the upper
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  echelons of whatever the career is.
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  So in this case, the man usually feels kind of you used and
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  irritated and exploited and frustrated, and maybe she
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  doesn't care about the real hint.
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  That's exactly how women feel when their sex drive goes down
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  or their desire to be, you know, conventionally attractive goes
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  down. And the man is like super Matt.
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  It's like, wait, was I just literally, like a young looking
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  woman that has, you know, a certain attitude to you, do not
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  care about my deeper core, many women, feel that they evolved a
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  great deal in Perry and menopause and menopause.
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  Post menopause, they continue to evolve and to realize that
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  images and everything, and they want to do something else with
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  their lives. Besides, you know, go to the
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  hair, salon every couple weeks to get their hair dyed and it
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  takes a lot of fucking time and and then get their nails done
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  and then do all of these things that signify that they are still
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  kind of in the young dating Market.
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  But they're not, you know, and so they don't want to waste
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  their limited time on this Earth with that stuff anymore.
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  And if you can no longer, love your wife.
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  If she has a change of philosophy then, did you really
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  love your wife or did you just love how she reflected on you?
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  And I say the same thing to women who don't want the guy to
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  change his career, right? Because it's a very similar sort
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  of thing. Also, you know you have to think
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  about whether you are kind of wanting your wife, to hold back
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  from change in a way that would be good for her.
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  Sometimes people have a horrible thing happen like the death of a
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  child and this is super horrible.
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  Judy, like the worst thing that can happen to an adult and
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  actually research shows that like, somehow they measured like
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  all the bad things that could happen and that was like the
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  worst. And anyway you know subjectively
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  how people rate things but and divorces higher than you would
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  think it's like closer to that than you would imagine.
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  But anyway, so sometimes men and women respond, very, very
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  differently to this. Like the woman is just on with
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  the marriage, literally specially, who was he?
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  Only child she's just kind of done and she's just like I'm
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  just gonna you know live a different kind of Life
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  basically. Like I am going to give back to
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  the world, I am going to join an ashram.
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  I'm gonna be really into meditation.
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  I'm going to change my religion, whatever.
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  I'm giving various examples hypotheticals and the man is
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  basically like, no, I'm still kind of alive.
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  And this is after, of course, grieving.
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  But you know, like, I still want to have like a romantic
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  relationship and stuff. And she really doesn't this
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  happens a lot. You're like a cataclysm that if
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  a woman was on her way kind of, you know, with her sex hormones
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  going down and kind of thinking, is this it in the world, some
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  big tragedy or some change of circumstance can happen and
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  she's just like, oh now I am beyond all of that.
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  And if the guy loves his wife, then he isn't going to be mad at
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  her about, that doesn't mean he wants to stay with her, doesn't
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  mean that he has to change his philosophy, but he isn't going
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  to be angry with her if he's angry with her.
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  That means that to some degree like like his identity is to
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  bound into how she appears and what she liked.
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  And and her having one specific philosophy that aligns with his,
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  you know, and it's interesting because on the one hand, our
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  society would say and I just said you know, because you kind
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  of got to say well then leave you know like if if your
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  partner's philosophy no longer lines with yours and Shore leave
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  and of course you can. But who are the couples that
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  like really stay together and grow?
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  Together are the people that can Imitate each other's change in
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  philosophy. You know?
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  So the guy who says to his wife. Yeah, sure go.
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  Gray, you look beautiful to me, no matter what, you don't want
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  to wear heels cool, like whatever one bio loungewear cool
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  sounds good. I'll wear some loungewear, you
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  know, like the guys who can accommodate that sort of change
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  our end up with women who want to compromise back and be
• 14:27
  flexible back and say, well yeah, like I'm not personally
• 14:31
  into sex anymore back and see where he's coming from.
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  So, you know we'll go out on Some dates if I have a drink and
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  maybe we'll have sex like, you know, they tried to be more
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  flexible. They try to think about
• 14:41
  different ways to accommodate that their partner has a
• 14:44
  different philosophy. In this case, the woman would
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  then try to be flexible toward the man's philosophy that he is
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  still in the prime of his life and still wants sex because he
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  was trying to accommodate her philosophy that she's not, you
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  know. So the guys that get really
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  angry that their wives are done with sex or trying to seem
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  attractive or whatever are going to Absolutely nowhere except
• 15:07
  into a contentious divorce, you know, like you could actually
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  say to somebody, you know what, I get it, I totally get it, I
• 15:13
  see where you're coming from. Honestly, I don't feel like that
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  myself. Probably our hormones are quite
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  different, you know. I see where you are though.
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  I'm going to try to roll with it you know and see if we could
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  have a different kind of relationship.
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  You know, one where it's not based, let's say on getting
• 15:31
  dressed up and partying and in the same way.
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  And I'll come to whatever it is that you're into now.
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  I'll join whatever activity. That is whatever you value,
• 15:41
  whatever you're reading I'm into now.
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  This is because like a lot of women, this is my most I was
• 15:47
  going to say famous, but that is really, really too far.
• 15:51
  That's too intensive and adjectives, my most read pose
• 15:55
  that gets me. The most clients, is the wife
• 15:57
  who wants more and her annoyingly satisfied husband.
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  So, the woman is trying to kind of transcend into a different,
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  you know, stage of life and the guy It's like, wait, what?
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  No? I am.
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  No, I am fine, I'm fine. Just doing the same thing.
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  We always did and thinking in the same ways, like, if the
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  woman changes politically or her religion or her spiritual
• 16:15
  leanings, or what happened and the marriage is that can
• 16:18
  accommodate that have some. But then like if so, if the wife
• 16:22
  is like, you know what, I'm not, you know, Republican anymore, I
• 16:28
  am a Democrat because I thought XYZ, right?
• 16:31
  Super simplified and the guy who's, like, know, No way.
• 16:35
  Why are you so dumb? What about this?
• 16:38
  What about this? Can you really mean to tell me
• 16:40
  that you think this and this? Well, that's just stupid, that
• 16:43
  guy is going to end up facing a pretty contentious divorce
• 16:46
  battle, you know? In the next couple of years
• 16:48
  whereas the guy who's like, that's interesting.
• 16:50
  Tell me more about that. That's a man who unconditionally
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  loves his wife and that's a woman who's going to be like,
• 16:56
  wow, look who's open-minded. Holy shit, you know?
• 16:59
  Maybe I misjudged him and maybe then I can accommodate him in
• 17:04
  certain ways. Being more flexible myself.
• 17:07
  So like that's that that's the truth of the matter is, is if
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  you unconditionally love your spouse, you're going to allow
• 17:13
  them to grow and you're actually going to be happy if they find
• 17:17
  peace in some way, if they've been looking for some sort of
• 17:20
  meaning in their life that then they find you are going to be
• 17:23
  happy for them. It doesn't mean that in all
• 17:26
  cases you're going to have to accommodate it or stay with them
• 17:29
  or anything. But at the very least like you
• 17:32
  if you do Unconditionally, Love your spouse for more than How
• 17:35
  they reflect on you? You might be happy that they are
• 17:38
  finding some sort of Direction in life, that makes them feel
• 17:41
  fulfilled. On a deeper level.
• 17:42
  Doesn't that sound reasonable, you know, and it's the same with
• 17:45
  kids, right? And I've discussed this before.
• 17:47
  What do you do when you're an adult child believe something.
• 17:49
  You don't believe or a teenager. Well, if you tell them, like, as
• 17:53
  I said, in the podcast, my example was, you know, kid who
• 17:56
  converts to Buddhism, right. A teenager and the parents.
• 17:59
  Like that's bullshit. That's stupid.
• 18:01
  Well, you're setting yourself up for estrangement later on
• 18:04
  because Just called their religion stupid and they are
• 18:07
  going to double down be like super Buddhist.
• 18:10
  Now, you do as you would be, if you had been a teenager and told
• 18:13
  that your shit was stupid, whatever your decision was and
• 18:16
  why is there things stupid anyway?
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  Like, you know, you gotta also interrogate your own beliefs and
• 18:20
  situations with kids or with spouses and think.
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  Am I being rigid? Am I the one who can grow and
• 18:26
  change? Am I the one who's holding onto
• 18:27
  preconceptions that are comfortable for me?
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  Am I the one who doesn't want to grow or age or learn?
• 18:34
  You know, and People who can say, yeah, maybe I'm being too
• 18:37
  rigid or people that end up being then more open-minded and
• 18:41
  ending up in have your relationships of any sort.
• 18:44
  All right. So hopefully this was
• 18:45
  interesting. Opens your mind up.
• 18:48
  Unfortunately, though, again, due to that negative comment, I
• 18:51
  will be I will be done with this.
• 18:56
  I will no longer be a psychologist because I was
• 18:59
  scared straight. But anyway, please do follow me
• 19:03
  and then you could see all these comments for yourself.
• 19:05
  On Facebook, Instagram, Tick-Tock YouTube and anything
• 19:09
  else that they come out with and I'll talk to you soon.
• 19:11
  You guys.