Latest / The REALationship Method / Bathroom Breaks, Hormone Shifts, and COVID Divorces with Lola

Transcript

Bathroom Breaks, Hormone Shifts, and COVID Divorces with Lola · The REALationship Method

• 0:09
  SPEAKER_04: Welcome back to another episode of the Relationship Method Podcast.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_04: It's your boy Chris.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_04: Today I have a very special guest today.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_04: Um, I have my notes here.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_04: She is a wellness practitioner, a fitness coach, founder of Lola's Vibrant Living.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_04: Man, I got Lola herself on the pod.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_04: How are you doing?
• 0:34
  unknown: I'm doing great.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_04: Oh my god.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_04: You know what?
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_04: We talked earlier, she is not that excited at all.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_04: She ain't that squeaky.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: I'm excited.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm excited to be here.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm excited to be here with you, and how we connect is really cool.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, sharing the message and um making impact, and that's what you're doing.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_04: Miss Lola, how did we connect for the first time?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: Ra, you don't even know how we connect, but my girl.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_04: No, I remember.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_04: I'm getting your story.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_04: Miss Lexis Renee.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_04: Oh shit.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, well, let me hear it then.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: Because I was creeping in the shadows, right?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like I was one of those stalkers.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_04: Like I didn't know.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_04: Well, okay, I met you through a funk shit.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_04: Mary Jane.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_04: And Alexis Renee.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_04: You know MJ.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_04: I know MJ.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_04: She's awesome.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_04: We talked about this at the lean into the mic.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_04: No, no, you don't.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_04: You really don't.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_04: Vlimes is good.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_04: Um, she's a sweetheart.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_04: I love her.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: So Alexis Renee.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the fashion modeling event that we went to with um Coach Kia, right?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Tatua fitness.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I went to the event and that's where I personally met you.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: But you didn't know that you had done a podcast with MJ, yes, Mary Jane, my beautiful Hawaiian pineapple.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_04: And wait, pineapple, wait, was it pineapple from the big apple?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_04: Pineapple from the big apple.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, yeah.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: And she did a podcast with you and she shared it with me, and I was like, oh my gosh, this is amazing.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: And then shortly after that, things started happening in my life, and it was just like just so coincidental.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: But me and MJ go back um with Hawaiian entrepreneurs, right?
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: Who is uh collab Hawaii now, yeah, all of that.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: But so I've been on your radar, or you've been on my radar, vice versa, like long before even.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: No way! So we finally met, and I I loved your vibe and everything that you were bringing to your you didn't even know it.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_04: You didn't oh my gosh, on my daddy.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_04: I did not know that.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, I haven't.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_04: Well, no, it's because you know I say on my daddy, it it takes a different context.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_04: Well, I mean, it's you it's supposed to be said on my mama, right?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_04: On my mama, but I am on my dad's side more, you know.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_04: On my daddy.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_04: Yes, on my dad.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_04: I'm a daddy's boy.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_04: I grew up with dad.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna start saying that on my daddy.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_04: On my daddy, you know, or you know, on my papa.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_04: Whatever you want to say.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: On my papy.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_04: Oh my poppy.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_04: Funny with that, um, I say that, like um, everyone knows that uh I'm in the National Guard.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_04: And I say that at um you didn't?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, um, I used to I used to be on the active side, and then when I moved to Hawaii, my family liked it here so much that we decided to stay.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_04: So in order for me to still stay in service, I had to go either guard or um reserve.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_04: Chose guard, and yeah.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_04: So I say poppy a lot at thing, and they're like, oh what is that?
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_04: Like they didn't know, like um, because it's full of Hawaiians, right?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_04: So my verb, the way I talk, my verbiage and everything, they're like, oh gosh, this is different.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_04: So I got people at my guard unit saying poppy poppy now.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_04: So I'm just like, yes.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: He's a little season.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_04: I'm putting stamps on, you know, my very seasoned, you know, yeah.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_03: We like a little seasoning, a little bit.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, a little bit tahine here and there.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, don't get me started with my tahine.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, my wife is um she's Spanish as well.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, so I know all about the the dishes.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I love them.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_04: She says I don't like her cooking, but oh my gosh, I'd be killing it.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: Food is my love language, so oh, is it really?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: You could cook for me, yes.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: I love cooking, that's part of healing and therapy.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: So uh if I'm in the kitchen, I'm hours just cooking.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: Don't ask me to bake.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's a different story.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_04: Did you hear of this term?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_04: And I just learned this term yesterday, um, stimming.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_04: So stimming is um when you are doing something like a task, but then subconsciously you are doing something else.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_04: So my wife told me that when I do tasks around the house, or if I'm doing, you know, if I'm with the kids, I sing, or like I make up tunes and stuff.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_04: Um one of my wife's friends, she said her stimming is that when she's doing something, she would hum the Mortal Kombat song without knowing it.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_04: So I'm just like, I watched the movie, it was pretty good.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_04: Chun Lee.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_04: Chun Lee.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_04: That's Street Fighter.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_04: The disrespect.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_04: The disrespect.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_04: Nah, but yeah, it's pretty good.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: They had a Mortal Kombat kind of anyways.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Is that I I digress.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, digress.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: I digress.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: But it's funny you're saying that about stimming because when I was eight years old, I noticed um how I sing all the I sang all the time when I would clean.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_03: Uh-huh.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: And after cleaning, I would go write down the songs I was singing.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: I would just make up all these.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: So I had by the time I was like 15 years old, I just had a book of just songs and rhymes and poetry and that you made up?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like just wow.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Just and it was something I noticed I did while cleaning.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: So vacuuming was huge, or you know, just anything.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we started cleaning young.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_04: Did you ever um try putting those uh those lyrics into like songs of poetry?
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_04: Uh once upon a time.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: I actually recorded a rap song that I wrote in a recording studio with Cassius Clay back in the day in Miami.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, that was a bucket list item that I would record the song that I wrote.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: And it wasn't until I was 24 years old that I was able to get in the studio and and record.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_04: Really?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: We put on the beat, had a whole song ready, ready to go.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: And he put on a beat and I was ready to write.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, you know what?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: Scratch what I did.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: I said, We're doing, we're going a different way, and we just sat in the studio.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, he's smoking whatever.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: And it was like the vibes were like, and I just started writing and we recorded a song.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_04: Really?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_04: Did it ever come out?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: Uh no, it didn't go that far.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_04: That's no, you know what?
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: It didn't, it and I don't know if I wanted it to even.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, yeah, it could be a little cringy, right?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it was it was kind of cringe.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: It was called ride or die chick.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: Come get a piece of this ride or die chick.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_04: That is so gen.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, that's so yeah, it's cringe.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_04: Cringe.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_04: But it gets cringe because um, you know, I do music too, and you know, I was recently in the studio, and this is um me being in the studio now, it's the first time that I'm not under the influence.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_04: So my head is clear.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_04: Usually I'm I was high and stuff, but that's like I'm messing around, you know.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_04: Now it's like um I've never smoked.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_04: I'm more oh really?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: He he the the the studio was full, but I never I've never smoked.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, really?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I've never smoked yeah, oh of course.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: I mean little macarita with tahine, you know.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, okay, we're gonna switch subjects.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, yeah.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_04: Um, my uncle from uh he was deployed, he came back, he introduced me to Corona.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_04: You put and you put uh Tabasco inside it.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever tried that?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: No, but it's pretty good.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_04: No, it's pretty good.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_04: Like, try it one time.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_04: If you don't like it, hey, just be like, hey, Chris, you're full shit.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, Tabasco Cholula.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm good.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_04: Oh yeah?
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, hell yeah.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Anywhere, anywhere, let's go.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_04: Hey, that's what's up, make it spicy.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_04: That's what's up.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_04: Um, you ready for these questions?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_04: You ready for this?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_04: Let's go.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_04: All right.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_04: Here we go, here we go.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_04: Um, yeah, Woosa.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_04: It's all good.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_04: And this is um this is from the brain, you know.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_04: This is gonna be a real good podcast.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_04: Um, what changes in a woman after 35 that most men completely misunderstand?
• 8:36
  unknown: Ooh.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's a good question.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: So, what changes in a woman that we completely misunderstand?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: So, over the age of 35, there's a lot that's happened, especially if we have kids, there's hormonal interruptions and disruptions.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not only from the woman's point of view, it's also the man, believe it or not, that is going through these own hormone fluctuations.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: So their perception of life, the perception of wife, also changes.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: And for a woman who's over the age of 35, her lens, kind of like the glasses we look at, that's what we say hormones are.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: Hormones are the lens and what you put on.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: So if you have these lenses that are rose-colored by age 25, 30, 35, they start to become a little foggy.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: They start to become stagnant where you can't see.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: And that's kind of what the hormones do.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: The hormones can show the glass half full or half empty or completely empty at all because you've you've dedicated so much time, so much energy, so much focus on the family and everything else but yourself that you're running on fumes.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I think the misinterpretation in a relationship, especially for a woman over 35, is how powerful and impactful those hormones have an effect on the relationship as a whole and how a woman shows up for herself.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: And if she can't show up for herself, then how can we expect her to show up for others, including her partner?
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_04: If the partner is pushing to, hey, babe, you should do this.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_04: Hey, babe, um, you know, I suggest you go go out with your friends.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_04: It's okay, I got it.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_04: But though, but the spouse or the woman does not want to go.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_04: What's how does a guy um let's say answer to that?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_04: I mean Or like do we do we respect the the woman's wishes or do we keep on pushing, but like, hey man, I think you know, go out, go have your coffee, you know, go out your go out, have your coffee alone, you know, like without the kids and stuff.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: So sometimes there's there's there's two levels of dynamics going on, especially when the woman's being asked something.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: So, and and this is maybe just um day and culture that we live in, is like where one applies to one, one applies to the other.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: So if the husband is expecting her to go out, go with her friends, da-da-da, do all this stuff, then it's gonna be reciprocated on the other end.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: And there could be in some cases where the woman's like, I'm not gonna go do that because you really just want to go do that.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: So sometimes it could be a false interpretation of the true intentions of the way the mate is coming across.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: So how we're coming across, either holding that space for our partner, being really intentional, being really genuine, um, how we say things, right, is also a huge, a huge play.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because they may be thinking, oh, you know what?
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: You just have a motive.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: You just you just want me to go out so you can get to go out now, you know, and it's it's sad that it happens that way, but a lot of times those are also things that are happening.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: So the mate could have that conversation, really let that partner know from a true place of genuine space, like and care, like you need self-care, you need this time, and then the environment of where you're having that conversation.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: And and that was something that I experienced was like the importance of the environment and the timing.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if you're just driving in the car, it's be like, hey, you should just go out with your girls, just have a great time, instead of like having that real conversation of, hey, you know what?
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: I've noticed so much going on in the house.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: Let me handle this, let me handle that.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: Because the ease of pressure for a woman in that way is more important um than than than a lot of other things that we think.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: If you could ease the mind and ease the pressure of the expectation of the job that they need to fulfill, because sometimes it's almost as if they think like it's not gonna get taken care of.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: XYZ is not gonna get taken care of either.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: And if that's not gonna get taken care of, then I'm not gonna take this time for myself, right?
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: So there's a lot of head space that's going on in in a woman's thinking sometimes.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, what does this really mean?
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, and for that partner to understand, hey, if I have the right space, if I have the take the initiative to explain also the other areas of compliment.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: So complimenting the partner first, to back it up, complimenting the partner first on what they're doing right, compliment the partner on also where they feel they could be supporting them better and that way of getting out and what it would do and the benefit of getting out.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: If you highlight the benefit of them getting out, how would it benefit them and benefit them as a partner together?
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: I think it would have a different take.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: I know that was a long-winded answer, but that's something that comes up so often.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_04: Let me ask you this, Miss Lola.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_04: Uh, back in I'm gonna say 2023.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, 2023.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_04: I was out for over two and a half months for for some type of training, right?
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_04: Um I would get texts and calls from my wife's, and she's you know, she's just venting.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_04: There's nothing I could do, so I let her vent because what am I gonna do?
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_04: Fly fly back home?
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, you know?
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_04: So I come back home and I tell her, I was like, yo, I um I surprised her with um a staycation.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_04: I booked her a room in Waikiki for the weekend, and she was really hesitant to take it.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_04: I told her, I was like, this is just because uh I was gone for two and a half months, you're holding it down.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_04: I think you deserve some sort of one uh like a no-worry weekend.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_04: Like you have nothing to worry about because I'm home.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_04: I'm I'm here, I'm physically and mentally with the kids, and the home will be taken care of.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_04: I'll walk the dogs and everything.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_04: And she, for some odd reason, was super hesitant to take this offer.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_04: Why, why is that?
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_04: Because that same day, um, I had to tell her, I was like, yo, it's okay.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_04: I got this.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_04: Here's you know, here's some money to spend.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_04: Just chill.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_04: The next night, uh, I dropped the babies off to her because she wanted the babies with her.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_04: So what was going on in her in her mind?
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_04: Because I I did what you you know what you just explained.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: Beautiful.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I love I love we should have more like that.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: That the intention was solid and set, and sometimes it's just it's the other side if it's not reciprocated.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_01: Women have a harder time receiving sometimes.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_04: Huh.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_04: You hear you heard it here.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_01: Receiving.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm it's serious because we're so used to being that martyr.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: Here's my shirt, here's the the last thing I have, take it all, take it all.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: That when it comes to receiving and filling our cup, it can start to feel awkward, it can start to feel abnormal, even.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: And when you have a characteristic of even survival mode, or maybe heritage-wise, cultural-wise, right?
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: These are unspoken truths that we have within the family dynamics that do affect our wellness and our outlook towards relationship as a whole, also.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_01: You we block the ability to receive.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: So her thing might have been, I just want to be with you, right?
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_01: You're trying to get rid of me now, maybe, right?
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: That might have I never thought of that.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: That might have been like, I haven't seen you in so long, and all you want me to do is go do this.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_01: Which, so your gesture was amazing, but coming from her point of view, it might have been interpreted of like, I don't, I don't need that.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_01: I just need you, or me and you go and do this getaway.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_04: Well, see, I think because of I think because of her venting and like giving me her like all of her frustrations, it just clip because men, we're fixers, right?
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_04: Yes, that was my fixing mechanism.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_04: Uh-huh.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, no, but I love it, but I can see where she was coming from, and I can see where you were coming from.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: So it's it's knowing, it's knowing your partner, having that conversation.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_01: And if we have these conversations from the beginning while courting and kind of change the dynamics of relationship energy from courting, from friendship, like into the marriage now, we don't have these major obstacles where things seem awkward in receiving our partner's true intentions.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_01: Because your intentions were solid and her intentions probably were like, hey, I I need she needed to voice to you what she really wanted.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_01: And that's another thing with receiving women can have a challenging time voicing exactly what they want.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_04: Ooh.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_01: And that's another dynamic.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_04: That is that is definitely uh that is definitely, I mean, my bad.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_04: It is a definitely different dynamic.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: What do we want?
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_04: What do y'all want?
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: So I'll tell you what happens often is we focus so much on the things we don't want.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_04: This is so true.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, yeah, keep rolling with it, Lola.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_04: Keep rolling with it.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_01: We don't want XYZ, we don't want this, and what we focus on expands.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_01: Why don't you say that with me?
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: What we focus on expands.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_04: What we focus on expands.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're only focusing on the things you don't want for yourself, you don't want in your marriage, you don't want with your health, you don't want, that's that's all you're ever gonna see.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_01: Where is the opportunity, the capacity, and the bandwidth to build on what you actually want to create and exist in your life?
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_01: There's no desire for building what you actually want and deserve because you're so focused on what you don't want existing, and that often comes from a place of lack.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, coming from a place of lack, and that has nothing to do with the other person.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_01: That has to do with something within yourself.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, okay, okay.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_04: This um wow, that kind of reacts to the next question.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_04: Um, why do so many moms feel disconnected from themselves after having these after having kids?
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's repetition.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's like it's the same with training with weight, right?
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_01: You repeat, repeat, repeat.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: Even if you're repeating a horrible form for years, you start to perfect and build a skill at that horrible form.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: So there's no pattern sometimes interruption of I need to pause and focus on taking care of myself, you know, and here's here's another thing.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and my partner actually said this to me is like when you say to someone, I will die for you, I will die for you.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_01: How much I love you, how much I care for you, I would die for you.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_01: But will you live for them?
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_04: That's okay.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_04: I hit home.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_04: That's funny that you said that because I've been saying for years that I won't die for you.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_04: And she would be like, What the fuck?
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_04: I would say, yo, I'd live for you.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_04: I love that.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: And she was like, I love that.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_04: It took her a while for her to get it because I've read something like back in high school that dying for someone is a uh, but if you say live because you know, you're living, it's it just hits a little bit more different than die.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_04: And I was like, huh.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_01: And again, it's cultural, even within the military.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, would you die for your country?
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like, so this this this martyr mentality of survival has always gotten a badge of honor in some ways, and we carry that into our relationships, even where we're willing to do everything and run ourselves into the ground.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: Don't you see what I'm doing for you?
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_01: Don't you see how exhausted I am?
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_01: Don't you see how tired I am?
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_01: But what's left of you, who who can really appreciate that?
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_01: You can't even appreciate yourself.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_01: So for women going through these years and years and years, and then finally one day they wake up and they're like, they don't even recognize themselves in the mirror.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_01: They don't love themselves, right?
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_01: There's no spark, there's no desire.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_01: So I think we just get into a place of, and to answer your question, we get into this place of being robotic and just running on default that we forget about taking care of ourselves.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_04: What's a way, like one way to for a woman, even for a man to snap out of that?
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_04: Like, what's it gonna take for that person to I guess reset themselves?
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_01: First and foremost, you need a routine.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_01: You need a routine.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_01: Having this state of freedom is amazing, of coming, going, doing, but as humans, we are constructed to need biologically routine and discipline and structure.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_01: So where is the wellness structure or routine for yourself?
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_01: Because when you start to check off those boxes of discipline, routine, and structure, it does something inside of you for your own self-worth.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: That's filling your cup.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I I talk about this sometimes with my clients.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_01: There's a difference because now we're coming from a state of fulfillment.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_04: The little wins.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_01: Fulfillment.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_04: That's the little wins.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_04: The little wins, yep.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_01: We don't realize it, what it's going to do over a period of time, but you start taking care of yourself.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: And guess what?
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: You start showing up differently.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_01: When you enter that room, you're entering that room with a different perception of yourself.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's not about necessarily how other people see you because you know.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: You're doing what you need to do to support yourself first.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's important to support our family, put our family or friends or HANA ahead.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_01: But it's like the same thing with an airplane, right?
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna put on somebody else's mask and I forget to put on my own.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_01: And guess what?
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_01: I can't help anybody.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, exactly.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_01: So are we gonna are we gonna look at the urgency because it's urgent from a young age?
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_01: We need to be inculcating this also in our children of the importance of wellness and self-care.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_01: So it's creating that structure and creating that routine.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care if it's three things that you dedicate for your self-worth of your structure and routine water, bedtime, even making your bed.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_01: If you're not making your bed, that's the first thing if you can, if your partner's not sleeping in it, but that's the first thing you need to do.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_01: And there's power in these little things of fulfillment that we don't even recognize.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_04: Miss Lola, let me ask you this and I'm gonna um what if you're doing these things for yourself and you're um leading by example, but it's not being reciprocated.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_04: How do you I mean, is there a way for that person to, like say, push the other person to do, you know, to do that?
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_01: So there's a a saying that I love and I've I've learned I've I've had to learn it in my own journey and remind myself of it is you can lead a horse to water.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_03: I heard this one.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_01: But what?
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_04: Um can't what?
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_04: Uh something about water to a well.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: We're going deep into the water.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, keep it.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, no, say it.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_04: Finish it, finish it, finish it.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_01: So you can you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_04: There it is, yeah, okay.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_01: So we can show up, but we have to release the expectations of what we expect the other partner to do or the other partner to show up.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because now we're leading with a motive for our own self-care, for our own wellness.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's like maybe, maybe, maybe, right?
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_01: There's there's tension in those dynamics and in health and wellness, like on a cellular level, you cannot deny that tension building in your body of that expectation that you have of your partner.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_01: Because every day you show up with that same expectation and they don't meet that expectation.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_01: How do you show up?
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_01: How does your body feel?
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_01: How does the tension in over weeks and months they're not where you need to be where you expect them to be?
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's a blow up.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, forget it.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's like it's internal building because you're so focused on this expectation, and every day that you hold that expectation, and every day that that becomes a disappointment to you.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_01: How do you view your partner?
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_01: Are you building them up really?
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_04: No, not really, no.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_04: So is it more of a communication thing?
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_04: Like, oh can be it would behoove you, or I prefer and and well, how do you do how do you say it to where it doesn't it's just like the the the argument afterwards?
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_01: For sure.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_01: No, absolutely.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_04: Because I know it would offend someone if hey uh could you make the bed after you get up?
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_04: Why do I have to make a fucking bed?
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_04: I just freaking, you know, work.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what?
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's like your your children, they leave the socks on the floor every day and you ground them and you da-da-da-da-da-da.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_01: But one day, when they're 18 and they're in their dorm room and they're in college, guess what they're doing?
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_04: Picking up their sock.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_04: It's like a Jackie Chan movie.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_04: I mean Is it called the karate kid movie?
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's like so we don't realize the seeds that we're planting along the way.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_01: There's no expectation of when that seed will grow or how it will grow.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_01: You know, at some point, hopefully it'll take root.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_01: And if it doesn't, you have to be okay with letting that part go.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_04: I think a lot of people have a hard, hard time letting it go.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_01: And Mel Robbins talks about that.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_01: Let, you know, let them.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_01: That's a book that I started reading even during this journey.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_01: There's a lot of self-growth and self-help and books that I had to read to open my mind a little bit more to see like outside of my situation or my struggles or how I can lead others, right?
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_01: By by grasping to these wind wisdom of especially letting go of our expectation.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_01: Because your expectations will have you in comparison every day from a place of lack because you're focused on what you don't have yet.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, oh, that's deep.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_04: Hey, I'm gonna let that settle.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_04: I'm gonna let that settle for a good couple of seconds.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_04: That motherfucker's like, Lily, listen to that.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yo, you know, a lot of people think that I come from a background of health and wellness, and you know, I was overweight.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_01: I was 180 pounds.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_01: I had kidney masses at a really young age.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_01: I had polyps growing in my sinuses that almost affected my eyesight and my brain development.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_01: At a really young age, my body was screaming at me.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_01: And there was even a period of time that I went through, and I don't talk about this often, but bulimia, where I needed some type of control.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_01: I could appease my family to eat, and then I could go throw up later.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_01: I was overweight, and it was just nothing made sense.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_01: And it wasn't until somebody saw something in me that asked me to raise the bar.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'd never had anybody in my life ask me to raise the bar.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_01: And you know who asked me to raise the bar?
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_01: It was my husband.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_01: He asked me to raise the bar, and I fought him in the beginning about it.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_01: It was like resistance to no end.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_01: And then eventually it was like something clicked.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_01: And you asked yourself this question.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I asked myself this question Is what I'm doing working for me?
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_01: If what you're doing is working, great, continue doing that.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_01: If it's not working, you can't keep knocking on a wall hoping to transform it into a door.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing changes.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_04: That's uh nothing changes.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, Einstein said it.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_04: It's uh, you do the same thing, you're crazy.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_01: Insanity, yeah.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_04: Insanity, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_04: God, I'm messing up these calls.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, insanity, insanity.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_01: What is it?
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um, insanity is is doing the same thing.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_04: Hoping for a different result.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_04: There it is.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_04: Yes, I'm here, I'm here.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_04: Like, you're there, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_01: But it was somebody, and I never had because everybody settled for me, even younger, culturally.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's okay.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's okay to be overweight, it's okay to be unhealthy.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_01: This is this is just the dynamics of your this is what your life is gonna be.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I had to ask myself, is this working for me?
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_01: And do I want different?
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_01: And you we all have to ask ourselves that question.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_01: Do you want different?
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_04: Do you want different?
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_04: Is um what made it click?
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_04: What was the click besides your husband?
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_04: Was it you looking in the mirror?
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_04: Or was it click?
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_04: Or like, were you just sitting and then just eating, you know, eating, and you're like, yo, this is not good for us, you know?
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_04: Like, what made it yeah?
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_01: There was there was a couple things.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and this is this is gonna be really like, yeah, and maybe this will serve a lot of other women, but um, I had had almost a 17-week miscarriage and um it was my first pregnancy, and it hit me so hard, and I tried to do everything and anything, and the doctor looked at me, and this is after the kidney masses scare, the blood pressure, 150 over 110 was my blood pressure.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_01: So it was like I knew my body was weak, but the doctor looked at me and it was an integrative medicine doctor and said, Your body is too weak, you won't be able to conceive you'll continue to have miscarriages.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_01: And um, I was already borderline with uh PCOS, and I knew I knew with just a lot of the other hormone fluctuations that that was, and I refused to take that from her though, and I said, I looked at her and I said, Okay, watch me.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_01: And that anchor, that desire, that fire that was lit within me allowed me with the community, the the resources, the knowledge to want to move mountains.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_01: You have to want to move mountains though.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like I knew that this was possibly an impossible, but there was it wasn't it, it I wasn't gonna look at it that way.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_01: I was gonna say, I am going to do everything I can.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_01: And after losing something that you never knew you wanted, it changes something within you.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_01: And in that first miscarriage, I went on less than a year and a half.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_01: I was at a conference, seminar, a Christian Bible meeting, and I sat next to that integrative doctor with my six-month-old baby, and it was the greatest feeling in the sentiment.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like like, because you you have to find what you're fighting for.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_04: The why.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_04: The why, the anchor of the why, the anchor, yeah.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_01: All of that, but preceding the why, the anchor, where are those standards for yourself?
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_01: And we have to look at that.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes we come from a place of fear.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes Gary V talks about that.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes we come from a place of love.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_01: And that fear has deep-rooted love in it, but initially it's the fear of not going back there, or maybe even not having something happen.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_01: And temporarily for me, it was that fear of what she said to me that motivated me to go and find research and go back to school and education and learn about my body and figure out how I was gonna defy the odds and you know, surpass the impossible.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_04: Let me ask you this then, Lola.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_04: For people that are like they're they're having a difficult time finding that anchor, finding that why.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_04: What like could they ever find it?
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_04: If they're like, they just they're just not that motivated.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_04: What is it in them that just that turns on the switch?
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_04: Because I've no I know a lot of people that is just borderline, man, they're bums.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_04: I'm sorry to say, but they they're bums and they just can't find their way out of this bummage.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_01: I think a lot of that is honoring our story.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_01: We have to we have to look at honoring our story, whatever it is, and sometimes it's also from the past.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_01: Like we're so afraid to acknowledge the truths or even hold ourselves accountable.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_01: And the longer you stay in that place of denying or not looking in the mirror, the easier it becomes to continue that state of default.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_01: So I think it comes from honoring the story, looking at where you are.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, it's like even some clients.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_01: Some clients I don't have them step on the scale, some clients I do because we need to be in reality also, right?
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_01: So starting little small habits make a difference, but sometimes it's honoring the story, and then it's also that we're so overstimulated emotionally, physically, like we've numbed ourselves to where now the brain is a part of this wellness aspect, mental, emotional health.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_01: So if your brain is almost like a TV back in the day that had nothing but static, and if you deal with other brain um disorders or things like that, they talk about this where the the brain can only interpret so much and reason.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_01: This is true, because there's so much inflammation, yeah.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's inflammation from media, propaganda, they're just overstimulated.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I've I've worked with um, you know, on the spectrum, kids on the spectrum too, and and you'll notice that when that overstimulation happens for them, they have to shut everything out.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes we do this because we're overstimulated.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_01: Guess what?
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_01: We just shut everything out.
• 34:07
  SPEAKER_01: We don't want to go deeper, we don't wanna because we don't have the capacity or the bandwidth.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_01: So having that conversation with somebody like that is not enough.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's there's there's a lot more layers to to somebody like that, but it's acknowledging one, the story, making small, subtle changes or small wins makes a difference, but also being being okay and acknowledging with where you're at.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like that is the first and foremost step is awareness.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_02: Where am I?
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_01: Where am I right here, right now?
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_01: And then asking that question is this working for me?
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_04: They're dropping gems today.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_04: Oh no, Lola is dropping gems, and we're gonna we're gonna move on.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, we're gonna move on, we're gonna move on.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, and um my friend, no, that was good, no, that was freaking good.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_04: No, I'm gonna replay this and I'm gonna be I'll be listening.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_04: This motherfucker like No Lola, you're doing great, you're doing great.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_04: How do couples reconnect after years of survival mode?
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_00: Hijo ale grandre.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah she said say it again.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, okay.
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_04: How do couples reconnect after years of survival mode?
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_01: You have to find out why you fell in love, I think, in the first place.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um and we have to look at where we can start to simplify life and living.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um we're we're so focused on masking everything with the trips, the outing, the events, the grandiose things of life.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I think reconnecting happens on that emotional level.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes we're so afraid because we're trying to go back to who we were before the kids, before the stress, before the house, before whatever has happened.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_01: And it's it's again, it's not acknowledging where you guys are now and and and and celebrating, celebrating the wins again to reconnect.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_04: I think definitely we definitely do that.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_01: I think I think we can reconnect in that way first.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, where can we acknowledge each other on an eye-to-eye level of the things you have done in this marriage for this family has been XYZ and vice versa.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_01: And when the kids have moved out, and there's a lot of emotions, there's a lot of changes, if if that's the place of where you're at, or maybe it's just different, different phase of life, different seasons.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_01: But I think reconnecting has to do from an emotional standpoint of acknowledging the um the attributes, the characteristics, and the values that you both have hold and the ways you've shown up in that marriage and forgiveness, right?
• 36:59
  SPEAKER_01: Forgiveness and giving each other grace, I would say, is first and foremost for that reconnection phase.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_04: To kind of off that, what conversations should couples be having before the resentment builds?
• 37:14
  SPEAKER_01: This is this is a challenging one because some people are already in defensive mode.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_04: They are right away.
• 37:22
  SPEAKER_04: Why is that?
• 37:22
  SPEAKER_04: Why, like if you know, I'm talking to my wife, a snap comes back.
• 37:27
  SPEAKER_04: I'm just like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
• 37:29
  SPEAKER_04: I was just saying, yo, uh the bill needs to be paid.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_04: Or you know, something that small.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_04: Oh what, motherfucking wait, you don't think I could do it on time?
• 37:40
  SPEAKER_04: There's money in the bank.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_04: There's another.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_04: I'm like, no, no, no, no.
• 37:42
  SPEAKER_04: I'm just saying the bill needs to get paid.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_04: Either, you know, could you give me a reminder?
• 37:47
  SPEAKER_04: Or, you know, I'm waiting for a, you know, oh no, I, you know, I got it.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_04: I'll pay it on the third.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_04: Or, you know, or something.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_04: It's an auto draft.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_04: Whatever it is, but it's more of a yeah, most of the time, and this is not like in my case, but I've seen and I've heard um someone would snap back with a oh, you don't think I could do it?
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_04: You don't, you know, why are you coming at me like that?
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_04: It's like, dude, it's a simple question.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, why let's change the scenario.
• 38:12
  SPEAKER_04: Okay.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_01: You're massaging her feet at night, and you got the oil out and the candles lit and the music playing, and it's 10, 11 o'clock at night, you're getting ready for bed, and then you say to her, babe, just by the way, a reminder.
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_01: Don't forget to pay the bill, or or you know, hey, I'll I'll remind you, I'll send you a text, but don't forget to be time and place is everything.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, okay, I get that, I get that, I get that.
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_04: Time and place is everything.
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_01: But also, sometimes it's not about it's really not about you.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's the interpretation, it's the meaning.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_01: We make meaning of things.
• 38:47
  SPEAKER_01: From I'll give you an example.
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_01: If I show you a knife, okay, what does that knife represent to you?
• 38:54
  SPEAKER_04: Uh cutting.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_01: Somebody who's a chef.
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_01: What does it represent to them?
• 39:00
  SPEAKER_04: Oh.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_01: Somebody who's been through trauma.
• 39:03
  SPEAKER_01: What does that knife represent to them?
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, okay.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_01: So it's the meaning and the interpretation on the other end that is the way they're receiving it.
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's not so much you could say one thing and it interprets not just the tone, it's just the the the approach that they're taking within themselves of like, what, you don't think I'm doing it?
• 39:24
  SPEAKER_01: What maybe I should be doing it.
• 39:26
  SPEAKER_01: So they're already in a defense mode because they're thinking about it's a reflection of what they're not doing within themselves.
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_04: Not that you're saying, uh-huh.
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_01: But it's it everything.
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_01: We make meaning of things all the time.
• 39:39
  SPEAKER_01: We make meaning of something not being finished or accomplished.
• 39:43
  SPEAKER_01: We make meaning of our partner saying something, we make meaning of um the way they text a text message and put three dots as opposed to an exclamation.
• 39:53
  SPEAKER_01: I was gonna, I was gonna I was gonna bring it.
• 39:55
  SPEAKER_04: I was gonna bring that up.
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_04: I was like, I tell my wife all the time, don't take my texts like any other way because okay, like when I put okay, she takes it as a okay, you know, like with an attitude.
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_04: I'm like, no, no, it's a okay.
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_04: I acknowledge.
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_04: I'm like, am I supposed to, and this is like me just being a dick.
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_04: Am I supposed to like really come out with a detailed answer?
• 40:21
  SPEAKER_04: Hell no, I'm never gonna do that.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_04: If it's a the the trash needs to be thrown out, okay.
• 40:26
  SPEAKER_04: Don't take it as a okay or a sarcastic okay, it's a okay, you know?
• 40:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's funny.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_04: It no, it is.
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_04: There's so many skits on there's so many skits on that where there was the key and peel skit.
• 40:40
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, I love can be they're they're they're texting each other, and then one of them was like, alright, like, oh, this motherfucker wanna say that.
• 40:49
  SPEAKER_04: And then, you know, the guy on the other end, he's just nonchalant, like, okay, you know, we will meet up or something.
• 40:54
  SPEAKER_04: And he's like, Oh, we will meet up.
• 40:57
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, you let's go.
• 40:58
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, he took it to a different level.
• 41:00
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, so the whole misinterpreting thing, I could really relate to that.
• 41:05
  SPEAKER_04: A lot of people could, you know, really relate to that.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we do that in relationships, so we do that with carrying the baggage over from other things.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like I said, could be our trauma, could be our childhood, could be things that isn't your responsibility to fix or help them interpret.
• 41:22
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you could soften the blow, maybe, right?
• 41:25
  SPEAKER_01: But when you know your partner, you you also know them, right?
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_01: So you know what what you're gonna expect from them and how their characteristics are how they how they are and how they show up.
• 41:35
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, good question though.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, thank you.
• 41:38
  SPEAKER_04: Thank you.
• 41:38
  SPEAKER_04: How about this statement?
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_04: Um, this statement, a lot of women don't want a divorce, they just want relief.
• 41:47
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 41:48
  SPEAKER_01: Can you So are we talking about women actually going through the divorce and saying they're doing it for the relief or staying in their marriage because they just want relief?
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_01: Which one is it?
• 41:58
  SPEAKER_04: The second one.
• 41:59
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 42:00
  SPEAKER_01: So they stay in the marriage, but they still want relief.
• 42:04
  SPEAKER_01: But they still stay.
• 42:05
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 42:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I think sometimes we we settle because it's it and it's this question is it harder to stay or is it harder to leave?
• 42:14
  SPEAKER_04: I I know a lot of people would say harder to leave because of what everything has happened and what is going on.
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and sometimes you don't realize that until you actually leave, right?
• 42:28
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, because staying, staying is still hard.
• 42:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's like choose your heart.
• 42:32
  SPEAKER_01: They're both hard.
• 42:34
  SPEAKER_01: But staying requires you at some point to confront the situation.
• 42:40
  SPEAKER_01: Leaving allows you to do both.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_01: You confront the situation, but you also set your own standards and your own boundaries.
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's something that the women are looking for relief of like it's gonna drop out of somewhere, and we're not willing sometimes to also put in the work within ourselves.
• 42:56
  SPEAKER_01: If we're staying, then know that there has to be work done, and it has to be done and reciprocated also on both ends.
• 43:04
  SPEAKER_04: Do you think um couples are just waiting for the other person to drop the bomb and not be that person to push it forward?
• 43:17
  SPEAKER_01: I think we get very complacent with what is, and we work so much, we have our day-to-day activities, we're dealing with the kids that we're not really facing what actually reality is.
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_01: So, yes, to some to some of your question, I do believe that that's the case.
• 43:31
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know one of the highest divorce rate times when it was divorce rates?
• 43:37
  SPEAKER_04: Was it during COVID?
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_04: Yes.
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_04: Thank you.
• 43:39
  SPEAKER_01: It was COVID.
• 43:40
  SPEAKER_04: I've been doing my shit, I've been doing my research.
• 43:42
  SPEAKER_01: It was COVID.
• 43:44
  SPEAKER_04: And was it because of um uh was it called?
• 43:48
  SPEAKER_04: Uh oh, quarantine?
• 43:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's financial, but it was also quarantined because they couldn't decompress.
• 43:54
  SPEAKER_04: They were yeah, yeah.
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_01: Decompression and also learning like who your partner actually is sometimes.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_01: We everything's rush.
• 44:02
  SPEAKER_01: There's not even a courting phase.
• 44:03
  SPEAKER_01: There's like, okay, we get married, da-da-da, but you don't even know who your partner is anymore.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_01: How much they've changed, or like the reality is because the man or the woman is always working, they're always out, they meet together, they have little, and everything's been a buffer with COVID.
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_01: There was no buffer.
• 44:21
  SPEAKER_01: COVID in my relationship, and in my, you know, my my partner, he would have told you that was the best time for us together as a relationship because we got to have that time.
• 44:31
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_01: And what I realize is some marriages or relationships, they can't even stand being with their partner for a significant amount of time.
• 44:42
  SPEAKER_01: And that was one of the times that you saw that very evident.
• 44:47
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like doing the work with each other, knowing who your partner is, instead of like the glitz, the glam, like I said before, the travel, the this, all that is exciting.
• 44:57
  SPEAKER_01: But when the excitement isn't there, when the hardship is there, when the emotions are high, when the stress is real and the economy is crumbling around us, how do you show up for each other?
• 45:09
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 45:10
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 45:11
  SPEAKER_01: It's like that's either gonna be the make it or break it.
• 45:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's why COVID, right, with relationships happened the way it happened.
• 45:19
  SPEAKER_01: But um, what was your question again?
• 45:21
  SPEAKER_01: I think I was like holy crap.
• 45:23
  SPEAKER_04: Uh can you uh what does some people might go?
• 45:26
  SPEAKER_04: Actually, how can we Oh stay?
• 45:28
  SPEAKER_04: Uh can wait um Trump, no.
• 45:30
  SPEAKER_04: Um you know what?
• 45:32
  SPEAKER_04: Move on.
• 45:33
  SPEAKER_04: Move moving the freak on.
• 45:35
  SPEAKER_04: Move on.
• 45:35
  SPEAKER_04: Uh what was all this?
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_01: That was a good, that was a good, that was a good one.
• 45:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um yeah.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_04: Why, why, why thank you?
• 45:45
  SPEAKER_04: I I do appreciate you.
• 45:47
  SPEAKER_04: Uh it took time for me to uh this um time is running out, so I'm gonna shoot you some rapid questions, right?
• 45:51
  SPEAKER_04: Go okay.
• 45:53
  SPEAKER_04: Uh normalized moms locking themselves in the bathroom for peace.
• 45:57
  SPEAKER_04: Is that normal?
• 46:00
  SPEAKER_01: Normalized peace.
• 46:02
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that was me growing up with five siblings.
• 46:05
  SPEAKER_01: Oh shit.
• 46:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's just you're accustomed to it.
• 46:07
  SPEAKER_01: So now it's become a running joke, but like in reality, yeah, that's that's reality.
• 46:12
  SPEAKER_01: We just make a joke about it because it's yeah, it's I'm the same way.
• 46:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's funny now.
• 46:16
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, like like go ahead.
• 46:19
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, I tell my wife and I tell my kids, I was like, yo, when I'm pooping, run I'm in the bathroom, leave me the hell alone.
• 46:26
  SPEAKER_04: This is like my time.
• 46:28
  SPEAKER_04: Give me my five, ten minutes, please.
• 46:31
  SPEAKER_04: And it's like, oh, they laugh at it all the time, but I'm dead ass serious.
• 46:35
  SPEAKER_01: Run in the shower, and there's no, you're not even showing.
• 46:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm on the toilet.
• 46:38
  SPEAKER_04: I'm just like, this is you know, just looking around.
• 46:40
  SPEAKER_00: The shower's running, it's like making it like that.
• 46:43
  SPEAKER_04: I'm for it.
• 46:44
  SPEAKER_04: Like, I I try I tell my kids, you know, leave her alone.
• 46:47
  SPEAKER_04: Like, she let give her give her her bathroom time, you know.
• 46:51
  SPEAKER_04: She don't need to hear that.
• 46:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's beautiful.
• 46:53
  SPEAKER_01: As you I have a six-year-old and a 12-year-old now, and as they get older, it's like you look back on some of these, you know, these these memories, and you look even at these memes and and in reflection.
• 47:04
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of times we don't do this, we don't come from a space of reevaluation and reflection of the life, of the memories.
• 47:11
  SPEAKER_01: Because when all that's gone, you're actually gonna miss those times where you locked yourself in the bathroom, where you turned on the water because they're knocking mommy mommy.
• 47:21
  SPEAKER_01: Like we're gonna miss that.
• 47:23
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna miss that.
• 47:24
  SPEAKER_01: So even though it's funny, there's a sense of nostalgia in like wanting to escape every now and again because of how much the husband or the cakey need you.
• 47:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know, so I I find comfort in that now, and especially after today, I'm gonna find even more comfort with mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy.
• 47:42
  SPEAKER_04: Oh my gosh, yeah.
• 47:43
  SPEAKER_04: It's it's funny because like to me, it's very fun because um me and my wife were somewhat of the same.
• 47:50
  SPEAKER_04: Um, the kids could get so annoying, but we still let them sleep in our bed.
• 47:57
  SPEAKER_04: You know, when they're like, oh, can we sleep in the bed?
• 47:59
  SPEAKER_04: I'm like, yo, come on, because we know there's gonna be a time where they don't ask, they they're not gonna come in anymore.
• 48:07
  SPEAKER_04: So we're just like, yo, yeah, well, we we're like embracing that right now.
• 48:12
  SPEAKER_01: There's structure, there's rigidity um in some ways that that can be needed, but I love that you're embracing that, and they're gonna remember that.
• 48:20
  SPEAKER_01: I remember there was when I was a teenager and my mom was going through some health stuff, I remember sleeping next to her bedside, just to be there.
• 48:28
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't in the bed, but I was next to her bedside just knowing she was there, and that brought a sense of comfort for me, even in my later years now.
• 48:35
  SPEAKER_01: So don't underestimate the power of that nostalgia and that connection that you know we have with whatever you allow or don't allow.
• 48:43
  SPEAKER_01: But I think that's awesome.
• 48:44
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's awesome that they get to be kids with you guys, and that's gonna be memories that you're gonna have for a lifetime.
• 48:48
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, definitely.
• 48:49
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, definitely, especially with technology nowadays, you know, taking pictures and all that.
• 48:53
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, I cherish pictures, feet in the face, right?
• 48:56
  SPEAKER_04: You know, exactly.
• 48:57
  SPEAKER_04: Kicking you in the stomach, oh my god, the same it's Mortal Kombat mode, no.
• 49:02
  SPEAKER_04: Here's the last question: what version of yourself are you finally becoming?
• 49:10
  SPEAKER_01: That's a really good question.
• 49:12
  SPEAKER_01: And um after 16 years of marriage, I realized that I need to hold my own standards, and I'm grateful for the process because it's allowed me to become this version of myself, and that's that's contributing to community, that's sharing my voice, that's not being afraid to speak up.
• 49:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that that when we go through these transitions, a lot of times we've we've minimized our voice to an effect that it it minimizes who we are, our values.
• 49:45
  SPEAKER_01: So it's it's finding my val my core values again, it's amplifying those core values: loyalty, integrity, contribution, community, um, being a great mom, leading by example.
• 49:56
  SPEAKER_01: But I wasn't able to really have that sense of fulfillment, I feel, until in some ways, but until now, like really dialed into who that person is and who I'm becoming.
• 50:08
  SPEAKER_01: And that's gonna be ever evolving.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's like it's it's it's this it's this deeper awareness of knowing that you're on the right path because you're not minimizing your voice and who you are.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_04: Is this because of a later age now, or is it because that you've gone through so many things?
• 50:28
  SPEAKER_04: Because as a man, I'm I think, and I'm like, I'm over 40 and shit.
• 50:34
  SPEAKER_04: I'm hitting that, I'm hitting that strike to where I'm like, dude, I think I I think I I got it, you know?
• 50:41
  SPEAKER_04: Like I'm yeah, like this whole life thing, I think I kind of got it right now.
• 50:45
  SPEAKER_04: Like I have a little hand on it.
• 50:47
  SPEAKER_00: I love it, I love it.
• 50:48
  SPEAKER_00: And when we think we got it, is off the city.
• 50:50
  SPEAKER_00: And we're not gonna get it.
• 50:52
  SPEAKER_04: Like, shit, I'm freaking clueless.
• 50:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's yeah, but I love that you're at that space of because you do a huge piece of contributing to the community.
• 51:01
  SPEAKER_01: And when we look at the wellness wheel, contribution and community are huge, and as well as the spiritual aspect, like that all funnels and fuels together.
• 51:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I think sometimes we forget about that wellness wheel as a whole or an integrative approach, even when it comes to our relationships.
• 51:16
  SPEAKER_01: You can't have one existing without the other.
• 51:19
  SPEAKER_01: So this integrated approach is all connected, it's like freaking avatar, right?
• 51:24
  SPEAKER_01: Everything is connected.
• 51:26
  SPEAKER_01: So when you take a step back and you look at who you're becoming, who you're evolving, you get to make the choice, like we talked about earlier.
• 51:34
  SPEAKER_01: Who do you need to show up today?
• 51:36
  SPEAKER_01: Am I the mother?
• 51:37
  SPEAKER_01: Am I the coach?
• 51:38
  SPEAKER_01: Am I the podcast?
• 51:39
  SPEAKER_01: Am I and you alter between these different, but it's all an integrative approach.
• 51:45
  SPEAKER_01: You just get to pick and choose who you need to be in that moment for whatever version of yourself that you're also serving.
• 51:53
  SPEAKER_01: So there's I love that.
• 51:54
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 51:55
  SPEAKER_04: No, I love that because like when when I wore the uniform, it's like I could turn it on as a mentor, as a leader, or even like as a as like a father, I don't want to say it, but as a fatherly figure giving advice.
• 52:11
  SPEAKER_04: Because you know, like younger younger listeners, they're like 18, 19 years old.
• 52:14
  SPEAKER_04: They need, you know, hey man, you're kind of messing up.
• 52:18
  SPEAKER_04: Or hey dude, you're doing a good job.
• 52:19
  SPEAKER_04: Hey, or how do you do this?
• 52:21
  SPEAKER_04: Like, yeah, so they need that.
• 52:24
  SPEAKER_04: And yeah, just wearing these hats and knowing which one to put on.
• 52:29
  SPEAKER_04: Oh my god.
• 52:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I love that.
• 52:32
  SPEAKER_01: And again, it's like it's all it's all connected.
• 52:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 52:35
  SPEAKER_01: When you look at that that way, there's curiosity, awareness, and we can't have a space of judgment of everything.
• 52:44
  SPEAKER_04: This is true, right?
• 52:45
  SPEAKER_04: The judgment thing, the judgment, yeah.
• 52:47
  SPEAKER_01: It it it it puts you in a comparison mode of yourself, of your relationship, of your partner, of all of that.
• 52:52
  SPEAKER_01: So it's just being curious, and and that's the space that I'm in.
• 52:56
  SPEAKER_01: Instead of coloring within the lines, and I've led a very conservative life and in in a lot of ways, and and I'm not saying I'm not batting anything about that because that's helped me be who I am, but it's like now, like, can I color a little outside the lines?
• 53:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like, is that okay?
• 53:12
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, it's totally okay.
• 53:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm curious now.
• 53:14
  SPEAKER_01: Where does this life lead?
• 53:17
  SPEAKER_04: Miss Lola, there's there's beauty in chaos.
• 53:21
  SPEAKER_01: I agree that.
• 53:22
  SPEAKER_01: And one of my favorite Marvel characters.
• 53:26
  SPEAKER_01: Who do you think it is?
• 53:28
  SPEAKER_04: Doctor Strange?
• 53:30
  SPEAKER_01: Thanos.
• 53:32
  SPEAKER_04: Thanos, a he hard ass, too.
• 53:34
  SPEAKER_04: Like his people see him as a villain, but like if you really take out, you know, the purple, then you take out him killing color.
• 53:46
  SPEAKER_04: No, but I mean, I'm I'm saying that's like that's like somewhat of a because you know, uh, um, like, was it hero colors are bright, villains are more dark.
• 53:55
  SPEAKER_04: So you take out the purple, you take out what he did, but then you get into his psyche, you're like, dude, this guy low key makes sense in what he's doing.
• 54:04
  SPEAKER_00: The psyche is sexy, it's it's different.
• 54:08
  SPEAKER_00: Thanos psyche is sexy to me.
• 54:11
  SPEAKER_04: She needs a Thanos.
• 54:14
  SPEAKER_04: Lola, that was fun.
• 54:16
  SPEAKER_04: Um, do you have any shout-outs or anything?
• 54:18
  SPEAKER_04: Or where can these people find you at?
• 54:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so Lola White Fitness Nutrition on my Instagram.
• 54:24
  SPEAKER_01: Um, shout out to everybody that supported me here, my friends, my Ohana, my Kiki, uh, driving that standard to you as well.
• 54:33
  SPEAKER_01: Mary Jane, pineapple and the big apple for leading in this moment.
• 54:37
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's so interesting how these moments from the past lead us to these places we are.
• 54:42
  SPEAKER_02: So this is true.
• 54:43
  SPEAKER_01: Keep that open mind, guys.
• 54:44
  SPEAKER_01: Lola's vibrant living.
• 54:46
  SPEAKER_01: Feel free to message me, reach out, um, specializing in not only fitness training, working with vegans and F45 and Couple A, but I also do gut health, uh, detox and food sensitivity testing as well, and specializing in weight loss.
• 55:01
  SPEAKER_04: Halo Studios, thank you for the lovely home.
• 55:03
  SPEAKER_04: Raffi by always, thank you for the lovely line, man.
• 55:06
  SPEAKER_04: And with that being said, I'm Chris.
• 55:09
  SPEAKER_00: Lola.
• 55:14
  SPEAKER_04: Uh with that being said, I'm Chris.
• 55:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Lola.
• 55:18
  SPEAKER_04: Again, three, two, one, I'm Chris.
• 55:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Lola.
• 55:22
  SPEAKER_04: And we got this bitch.
• 55:23
  SPEAKER_04: Peace.
• 55:23
  SPEAKER_04: That's a great book.
• 55:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna like it.
• 55:25
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 55:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a good one.
• 55:31
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, you're not gonna be able to do that.