Latest / The Daily Sarcast / April 15th, 2026: East Coast Heatwave, DoorDash Grandma And Stupid Things

Transcript

April 15th, 2026: East Coast Heatwave, DoorDash Grandma And Stupid Things · The Daily Sarcast

• 0:00
  Today's episode is sponsored by Lucid Dreams.
• 0:03
  There's nothing worse than realizing you're in a dream and then getting gaslit
• 0:08
  by your own brain that you're not in a dream, so you have to keep living through a nightmare.
• 0:13
  I don't care if these sausages fall down to my knees. I'm just,
• 0:16
  I'm over it, and I don't care anymore.
• 0:18
  Drew Barrymore on being over wearing bras.
• 0:22
  Insert theme song here. This is the Daily Starcast. I give you the news and
• 0:25
  maybe a laugh. I'm Lindsay Wernick, and it's April 15, 2026.
• 0:30
  In real news, so Pablo Escobar, you know, the criminal mastermind,
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  part-time zoo creator, once decided his drug compound in Colombia needed hippos.
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  Not security, hippos. He illegally imported four of them in the 80s because
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  nothing says low profile like owning the most aggressive animal on earth.
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  Fast forward, he dies, the hippos escape, and now, like a toxic X who refuses
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  to leave, the situation has multiplied. Literally.
• 1:00
  There are now over 150 of these things roaming around Colombia,
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  and they don't have any predators to go after them either.
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  They're literally destroying ecosystems, polluting rivers, attacking people,
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  and causing traffic accidents.
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  Basically, they're freeloading, violent, and reproducing at a very, very rapid rate.
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  The government doesn't know what to do with them. They can't relocate them.
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  No country wants a crate of animals labeled angry wild hippos from Pablo Escobar.
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  And they can't get sterilized. Turns out you need cranes and a mild death wish to get that done.
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  So now Columbia has landed on this option, euthanizing a large portion of them.
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  People are pretty upset about this. I mean, it's fair. No one wants to be on
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  team, let's kill the hippos. That's a tough merch line.
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  But also, they're not like Disney hippos. This isn't Fantasia.
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  They're real aggressive animals wrecking entire ecosystems and hurting people.
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  At a certain point, it's not a moral dilemma, it's damage control.
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  The craziest part about this whole situation is
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  that it exists because one guy decades ago was like
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  you know what would really complete this property hippos and
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  now an entire country is like cool so we're still dealing
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  with this anyways the east coast
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  is getting hit with a heat wave this week that's less light chocolate
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  and more am i seriously turning my ac all the
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  way up we're talking 80s 90s in
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  april the calendar still thinks it's
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  doing tulips and the weather is like nah we're in
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  summer now across the mid-atlantic region
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  and the northeast temperatures are about to smash or
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  flirt with records in hundreds of places which is fun actually it's not fun
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  at all while everyone's like yay rooftop drinks the ground is like i am literally
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  dying like there's already droughts across huge parts of the country and the
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  heat is basically throwing a blow dryer on it.
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  Like basically all of the U.S. is dry or in drought.
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  Florida is basically one giant dehydrated sponge. The South is begging for rain
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  like it's texting its ex at 2 a.m.
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  And what are we getting instead? A giant atmospheric heat dome just parked over
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  the country like it pays rent.
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  It's pulling warm air up from the Gulf of Mexico, turning the East Coast into a preheated oven.
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  While the West is over there having a totally different personality with cold and snow.
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  So one side of the U.S. right now is like, why is it 95 degrees outside?
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  And the opposite side is like, why is it snowing? And it literally should be
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  the opposite side saying those things. And yes, I know what you're thinking.
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  This isn't random. um scientists are like this is
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  what happens when climate change starts getting a little bold the
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  worst part is it cools down next week which sounds
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  nice but actually just means your body gets to experience all
• 3:52
  four seasons and the emotional spam of my last
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  situationship not sure if you heard about this
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  one but yesterday donald trump had a very casual
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  totally spontaneous moment where a
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  doorjazz driver rolled up to the white house with mcdonald's enter
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  sharon simmons aka door dash grandma she
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  was delivering fries smiles and what we now know was
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  essentially a scripted cameo because yeah
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  she had previously lobbied for trump's no tax on tips policy and yes door dash
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  confirmed this whole thing was arranged so again not really a delivery but then
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  things kept getting more and more awkward of course so she walks in she's holding
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  the bags of food from McDonald's, and the first thing Trump says,
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  it doesn't look staged now, does it?
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  Which is exactly what you say when something is very deeply staged.
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  It's like when someone says, I'm not being weird while actively being weird.
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  And then mid-conversation, he hits her with, you voted for me,
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  right? And she goes, maybe?
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  Which is honestly the most honest answer given it's in this entire situation.
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  But wait, we're not done spiraling.
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  Instead of letting her, I don't know, leave, he keeps her there,
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  while talking to reporters and starts dragging her into completely unrelated
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  topics like election fraud,
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  culture war questions, should men play in women's sports, and she literally
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  said, I don't have an opinion.
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  And, like, she literally was just there to bring nuggets. At one point,
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  she actually tried to redirect the president, saying, no, I'm here about,
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  and he cuts in with, pizza?
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  Like, dude, you ordered McDonald's. Stay focused.
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  Then a reporter asks if the White House tips well, and before she can answer,
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  Trump pulls out cash and hands it to her on camera.
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  It was giving live-action Yelp review manipulation.
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  And you can literally feel her recalibrating in real time.
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  Like, yeah, actually, oh my god, incredible, incredible tippers, five stars, no notes.
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  Okay, this whole thing was supposed to highlight this no tax on tips policy,
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  which sounds great until you realize it's capped, it's temporary.
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  And most people aren't getting anywhere near the viral 11k number that keeps
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  being thrown around online.
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  So now this whole thing turned into a very staged, awkward, and politically confusing moment.
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  And the most uncomfortable part of the end was that he invited her and her husband
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  to a UFC fight mid-interaction.
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  To make matters even worse, if they could get worse,
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  the DoorDash PR guy went online after and was trying
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  to clean up the mess in real time and he
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  basically was responding to people on twitter like nope she's
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  a real dasher and a grandma like no one was
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  debating that dude it's like saying the waiter was
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  real the restaurant is fake at one point he was basically arguing with the entire
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  internet like it was a press conference exactly that's the problem honestly
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  the darkest part of this whole thing is the underlying story that she's working
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  extra jobs like delivering on DoorDash while her husband is going through cancer treatment.
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  And instead of this becoming a real conversation about wages or healthcare,
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  it turned into a staged photo op about a shitty tax policy with questionable math.
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  In Lindsay life, I love getting a text around 5 o'clock every day while I'm
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  at work from my mom showing me a picture of my dinner that is awaiting my arrival
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  when I get home from work.
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  Things I'm thinking about. I realize that after I say something stupid,
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  but then I say something funny after, it all just cancels out and everybody
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  forgets the stupid thing that you said first.
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  Like whenever I reintroduce myself to somebody like two more times in a row,
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  forgetting I met them, I was like, oh my god, I'm just kidding.
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  I would never do something like that.
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  They just laugh and walk away and it ends up being a positive interaction.
• 7:44
  Can you tell I'm exhausted? cooking tip of
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  the day give your pan a minute to preheat
• 7:49
  before using it it will do more for you than most men will feedback comments
• 7:55
  questions a nice jewish boy looking for a date email me at lindsay at the daily
• 7:59
  sarcast.com thank you so much for listening i don't know why my sarcast are
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  so long this week when i'm so tired but thank you for listening and i will talk to you guys tomorrow.