Latest / Unlocking The Paradigm Portal / Be Real, Not Nice: You've Been Calling It Love

Transcript

Be Real, Not Nice: You've Been Calling It Love · Unlocking The Paradigm Portal

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  Good morning, everybody. Welcome back to unlocking the
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  Paradigm portal. My name is Sarah.
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  So you may notice that I'm a little bit quieter this morning
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  and that is. Because if you.
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  Recall last week. We've been talking.
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  About the one stone actually for the last two weeks and what is
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  the one stone that you are going to lay in the foundation of
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  becoming who you want to be? Well, mine for today is that I
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  normally record. These.
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  In the evening, like right before.
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  I go to bed so that it. Is all loaded and ready to go
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  for 6:00 AM. But I decided.
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  No, I want to get. Up earlier so.
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  I have gotten up at. 5. O'clock this morning to be my
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  one stone for today and record. So this is.
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  Literally the first time I am speaking this morning and
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  without. Further ado this week.
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  Taking off from yesterday's Sunday deep dive.
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  We. Are going to.
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  Talk about love. And the feeling in your body
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  when you meet them, that person, that pull, that recognition,
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  that sense of finally this one. I know this one.
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  And you call it chemistry and you call it connection, and you
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  called it knowing. I just know in my gut.
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  And some of you may have called it love.
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  I know I certainly have in the past, and I need you to sit with
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  a different possibility today. What if that feeling wasn't
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  recognition? Of the right.
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  Person. What if it was recognition of a
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  familiar wound and this is how it ties?
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  Into yesterday's episode. If you listen to that one, I
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  spent the. Last week.
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  Mapping out not only relationships, which yes, we
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  know I've done in the. Past but the.
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  Threads tying between all of them, like the singular thread
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  tying there. And then I mapped out my
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  relationships with my children and the thread tying between
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  there of the lessons that they have been highlighting for me.
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  And then I mapped out generational patterns, both
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  sides of my family and the thread that passed down through
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  the line. And then I connected.
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  The dots with all three of those.
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  Strings which is. Why it's?
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  Called 3 balloons or three strings.
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  I can't remember which one one hand because it all came down to
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  what is the 1 underlying wound and that often that recognition
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  of connection. Ties back to.
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  That wound and that is the awareness.
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  That I had this week, which is why we're.
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  Talking about it and the wound. Disguises itself.
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  And the nervous system, it doesn't distinguish between love
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  and familiarity, it distinguishes between safe and
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  unsafe. And it defines safe is.
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  Whatever it. Already knows so that wounding.
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  That is so. Deeply ingrained that anyone
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  that presents aligned with that wounding is going to feel
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  familiar. So the wound that a lot of my
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  stuff came down to was the unworthy wound, and I can see it
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  tying through everybody and that wound being so.
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  Familiar is basically. What it means is if you grew up
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  in an environment where love came with conditions, and now
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  let me make sure. To clarify this.
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  With. Everything I talk.
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  About there is 0. Judgment so if you're listening
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  to this and you're getting all. Judgy about past.
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  Situations or. People or childhood stop please,
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  this is just. Observing the situation and the.
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  Facts So. When I say an environment where
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  love may have come with conditions, it often is not.
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  Obvious or overt? Or intentional.
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  And then there are times. Where it was so you.
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  Have to use your own discernment theme for 2026.
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  But anyway. So if you grew up in an
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  environment where love came with conditions or where your worth
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  was contingent, excuse me, contingent.
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  Like where you? Had to earn your place by being
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  useful enough to keep or to have a round.
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  Or where? Affection maybe arrived
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  inconsistently and you learn to work for it.
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  Then your nervous system learn to call that love, not because
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  it was. Love but.
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  Because it was familiar. And then you went out into the
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  world and you kept choosing it. You keep choosing it.
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  Different faces, different dynamics, different stories,
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  same frequency underneath. So if you have let's say like I
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  have always had. And I've worked my ass off on it
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  and can see it now. An unworthy wound.
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  Then you will be drawn to people in situations that resonate with
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  that same frequency, and you don't realize it until you
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  suddenly realize it or you do an intensive, basically shamanic
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  soul. Retrieval deep dive.
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  For months, so maybe the frequency.
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  Is the. Person who needs rescuing you
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  learn that you're. Worth or your?
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  Wound is tied to saving people. So you're drawn to those.
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  People or the. Person who?
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  Saw you. As the lifeline.
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  Maybe you have? You learned how.
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  That your worth. Is like being the hero.
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  Or the person whose chaos felt electric because.
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  Calm. Felt suspicious that.
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  Was my jam for a long time. Calm and peace.
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  Felt like. Something was wrong, something
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  was going to go very wrong, and anyone.
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  Who felt chaotic? That was wonderful.
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  That is no longer a theme. For me, and that is because calm
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  was unfamiliar. And even if you want it, even if
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  you're striving for it. Even.
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  If you openly. State I want peace and
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  stability. If it is not your familiar
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  comfort zone, you can want it. It can feel good and then it
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  suddenly starts to register in your nervous system is unsafe
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  and dangerous. Or maybe it was the one whose
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  wound fit. Yours so precisely that it fit.
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  That fit felt like. Destiny, like your wounding,
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  called to the wounding in them and vice versa and it feels
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  magical but it's a trauma bond and wound recognition.
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  Feels exactly like. Soul recognition.
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  And that is not a flaw in you. That is how the wound protects.
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  Itself. By disguising itself as the
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  thing you're looking for and it feels like magic and you stay
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  and you. Carry all the weight.
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  And you make yourself indispensable and you love
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  harder when the love didn't come back at the same volume because
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  some part. Of you believed that if you
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  could just. Love them enough, or be patient
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  enough, or understanding enough, or present enough or give them
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  enough, they would finally confirm what you needed to know
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  about your own worth. But here's the thing.
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  They couldn't. And they can't.
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  And it's not because they don't care, because a person cannot.
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  Heal your wound. By receiving your.
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  Love that. Is not how wounds work.
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  That is how. That is not.
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  How worth works? You cannot outsource the answer
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  to the question the wound is asking.
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  It just doesn't work and the wound is always asking the same
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  question. And I'm going to grab a sip of
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  my coffee. Before I tell you just.
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  For a little bonus suspense, I was smart enough to make coffee
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  before getting on here. So the question that the wound
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  is asking am I enough? Just as I am without the caring,
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  without all the things I can offer, without the nurturing I
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  can give, without the performing, without making
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  myself useful enough to justify my presence.
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  That is the question and I want to get specific.
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  Because this is where a lot of people.
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  Will just nod along and then immediately exempt themselves
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  from this situation they think they know.
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  What this looks like that? And they picture the dramatic
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  relationships, the ones with. The obvious red.
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  Flags the ones they can point to and say.
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  Yes, that was. Clearly dysfunction, but rein it
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  in and hold. Up your.
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  Self-righteous indignation, I guarantee since no one is born.
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  I had a therapist once who would say to me, wouldn't it be great
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  if everyone was born? Self actualized, yes.
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  No one is so at some point, if not still to this day and.
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  I would be, I would love. Actually, to hear from someone
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  who to this day can say I've never had a wound recognition
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  relationship, so wound recognition doesn't always look
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  dramatic. So if you're one of those people
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  saying that's not me, it doesn't always look dramatic.
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  Sometimes it looks like finally feeling understood.
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  Sometimes it looks like finally feeling seen and known, and
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  sometimes it looks like someone. Who sees you?
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  In a way that you've been waiting your whole life to be
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  seen or who knows you. In a way, you've been waiting to
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  feel known, and sometimes it looks like the most profound
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  connection you've ever felt, the kind that makes.
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  Every other. Relationship feel shallow by
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  comparison, and sometimes it looks like a person who is
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  genuinely good and genuinely kind and who loves you in ways
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  you can see in name and who is still underneath all of that
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  goodness running a wound that. Fits yours precisely.
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  And whose presence keeps confirming the question rather
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  than answering it. And the most dangerous version
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  of wound recognition is the one that looks like the real thing,
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  the one that hits every note. Checks every box.
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  Feels like the answer you've been waiting for.
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  Like the one that keeps you the longest because it's the hardest
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  to name when everything about. It feels true.
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  And here's how you know the difference in practice.
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  Soul recognition expands you wound recognition contracts.
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  You slowly over. Time and in ways that you
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  rationalize because that contraction might feel like
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  growth. But soul.
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  Recognition that makes you more. Yourself that.
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  Means it's that feeling of I can just exhale and I can be me.
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  And wound recognition makes you more useful.
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  It makes you feel like. You have a purpose.
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  And soul recognition asks nothing of you.
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  It doesn't want you to stay small.
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  Wound recognition requires that you stay small.
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  It's being able to identify. Those hard edges, that box.
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  But the soul. Recognition is freedom and it
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  feels like expansion and soul. Recognition leaves you feeling
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  more real after the interaction, like you feel open and
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  invigorated, but wound recognition leaves you working
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  to. Figure out what.
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  You did wrong. And that last one, just sit with
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  it for a minute. How many times have you left an
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  interaction with someone that you love and immediately begun
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  auditing yourself? Like asking what did I say?
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  How did I come across? Did I ask for too much?
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  Was I too much? What did I do wrong?
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  That audit is not love asking you to grow.
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  That is the wound asking you to shrink, and love does not
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  require you. To audit your.
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  Existence after every interaction.
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  That is not love, That is the wound running the relationship,
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  while love takes the blame for what the wound cost you.
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  So what does this mean? First of all, it doesn't mean
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  you abandon everybody and you need to break up with people and
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  end things. It's just having the awareness
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  because this can be someone that you love and they are in your
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  life for a reason to show you that wound and the wound is for
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  you. To heal, that is the.
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  Key not to heal it through them for you to heal it in yourself
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  and I want to name something that most people skip over in
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  this conversation because skipping it lets.
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  You off the. Hook in a way.
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  That actually keeps you very. Stuck.
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  You kept choosing that wound recognition because it felt like
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  home, and it felt like home because it was.
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  But it's not the home you wanted.
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  It's the home you knew, and the nervous system doesn't choose
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  based on what's good for. You it.
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  Chooses based on what it recognizes, and what it
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  recognized as home from the very beginning was conditional love.
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  Love that required. You to earn it, to perform it,
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  to make yourself useful enough to justify it.
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  Then unconditional love when it showed up probably felt wrong
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  it. Probably felt, excuse me,
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  suspicious. And specifically targeted.
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  To have you fall. Prey to something because you
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  weren't used to someone who just.
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  Loved you for you. And it.
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  Probably felt like it was. Hiding something, like maybe it
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  wasn't giving you the familiar friction that your system had
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  learned to call connection. The relationships that cost you
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  the most, we're also the ones that felt the most like
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  something. Because the wound doesn't run on
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  nothing. It runs on intensity, on the
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  push and the pull, on the cycle of earning and losing and
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  earning again, and on the feeling of finally getting
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  through to someone who keeps pulling away and who keeps
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  denying you. What you believe is love that.
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  Feeling is not love, it is the nervous system doing exactly
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  what it was trained to do. And this is where the compassion
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  comes in. And it's not to let yourself.
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  Off the hook. Because understanding this
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  accurately is the only thing that actually changes it.
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  You didn't choose wrong because something is wrong with you.
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  You chose what your nervous system was.
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  Calibrated to. Recognize this connection and
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  that calibration happened before you were old enough to question
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  it, before you had any other reference point, before you knew
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  there was a. Different way the body.
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  Could feel when it was actually safe and the choosing.
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  It wasn't stupidity, it wasn't weakness, it wasn't a character
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  flaw. It was your nervous system doing
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  exactly what nervous systems do, seeking the frequency it was
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  built to call home. And the problem isn't that you
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  love. The problem is that you called
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  wound recognition love. Wound recognition is not love,
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  but you. Felt that it.
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  Was and you built your entire relational life on that
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  foundation and now you know, which is the only thing that
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  makes a next chapter different from the last one.
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  So here's what it actually changes when you can understand
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  this and really integrate it into your life.
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  Not the feeling. The feeling doesn't disappear,
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  that pull doesn't go silent. The recognition doesn't stop
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  arriving. You will still feel the electric
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  click of a. Familiar wound frequency and
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  your nervous system will still. Register it as.
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  Significant. But what changes is what you do
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  in the space between feeling it and following it.
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  Because. There is a.
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  Space. Now, the space didn't always.
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  Exist but. For most of your life, that move
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  pulled you indirectly into action, and you felt it, and you
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  move toward it without stopping, without thinking, because the
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  recognition felt like instructions.
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  It felt like you were handed a manual.
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  This is my person. Like the?
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  Body already knew and following it was just common sense.
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  But the. Space is new and the space.
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  Is the work. And when I say.
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  The work, it's with a capital W it's like this work.
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  It's no joke digging into these things and really looking at
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  yourself clearly. So the next time you feel.
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  That pull like. That electric recognition and
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  that sense of I know you, you have a question to.
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  Ask before you follow. It not to talk.
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  Yourself out of. Every connection, but to be able
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  to tell the difference between the ones that are real and the
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  ones that are familiar. Is this soul recognition?
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  Or is this my wound recognizing itself in someone else and
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  calling it home? So remember, soul recognition
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  expands. Wound recognition contracts.
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  Soul recognition makes you more yourself.
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  You can sink into it. Wound recognition makes you more
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  useful. Soul recognition doesn't require
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  you to be small and dim. That light that I always talk
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  about. That light shines.
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  Brighter with that. Soul recognition.
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  Wound recognition depends upon you staying small, staying
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  useful, and staying dim. And you don't have to answer
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  perfectly. You don't have to get it right
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  every time. You don't have to have the full
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  answer before you take another step.
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  You just. Have to.
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  Ask the question. Because the.
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  Asking that pause between the feeling and then following it's
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  already something completely different from everything that
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  came before. The choosing will change when
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  the asking becomes automatic, and the asking becomes automatic
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  when you. Practice it, and you practice it
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  by. Starting today on your commute
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  right now so you're stoned for today.
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  Name one relationship, past or present.
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  Where the pole felt like. Recognition and sit with this
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  question honestly. Was that your soul?
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  Or was that the wound? And you don't have to say it out
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  loud, you don't have to tell anybody.
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  You just have to be honest with yourself.
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  And that honesty is the stone you carry into the weak.
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  And again, this doesn't mean abandoning or leaving
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  relationships, friendships, anything.
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  These people. Are in our lives to shine a
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  light on the wound for us to heal.
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  You either do the healing work and then decide, or you don't.
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  It's up. To you it's.
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  Your life. So that was a big one for a
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  Monday morning. I am.
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  Still half awake. And I'm going to go drink my
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  coffee. So have an amazing, amazing
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  Monday. I will be back.
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  Wednesday and Friday morning for the remainder of this week for
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  be real Not nice, by the way. That's the title.
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  For these early morning ones and then I'll be back.
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  Tuesday, Thursday. Saturday.
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  At 9:00 PM for Light in the Dark and Sunday's deep dives.
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  So leave me some comments, Let me know what are you realizing?
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  What's the wound that's popping up for you?
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  I shared mine, you share yours. I've had the unworthy wound.
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  It sucks but let me tell you, once you see it you can start
• 19:03
  changing it and then chick gets real OK?
• 19:06
  Have a great day.