Latest / The Kink Consultant / Q&A With My Dom Part 1: Where Can I Find A Dom?

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Q&A With My Dom Part 1: Where Can I Find A Dom? · The Kink Consultant

0:08
It's the King Consultant podcast where we're turning up the heat
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on all things kink and dating, relationships and pop culture.
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So close the door, plug in your headphones, and let's get down
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to it. Hello, and welcome to this
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week's episode of the King Consultant Podcast.
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I'm here with my own Dom. Welcome.
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Hey thanks for having me. Thank you for agreeing to come
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on and answer all of the questions I have for you today.
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So we are going to talk about our personal DS dynamic and your
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role as my Dom, but also just your experience in the King
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community in general. Totally fair.
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So I have some of my own questions, but I also sourced
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questions from, I put up and asked me anything.
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So we got about 40 questions and we're not going to be able to go
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through all of those we actually got.
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All the good people at Instagram coming around.
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Yep, lots of good questions for you.
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Curious about your questions. These these are going to be
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interesting we're. Going to start with questions
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for you, but like general questions.
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OK. How long have you been in the
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kink scene? That's a really good question.
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I think that like most people, I started in some capacity knowing
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at a very young age. Definitely been online lying
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about my age for a lot longer than I should have been in
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certain forums, chat rooms, sites, things like that where
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you may or may not have to have been 18 and lied about it.
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What sites? Various sites, Spanking tube was
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one of the big ones that I got into at a young age.
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A lot of Google searches and stuff like that.
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Found stuff through different various porn sites and stuff.
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And then finally, you know, spanking being my biggest kink
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kind of led that direction early on.
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When you were younger, did you understand that spanking was
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your biggest kink? Yeah, I think so.
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Like that was all always where my mind drew to.
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Like always growing up that was what I wanted before I even
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wanted to kiss a girl. I was like, no, let me spank her
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butt. Like that's what I'm interested
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in. I literally talk about that in
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an episode. Like growing up, I wanted boys
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to spank me and not kiss me. Yeah.
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Understood. OK, so you've known from a
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really young age there was number like Discovery.
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But OK, did you know it was this a thing that like tied into your
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sexuality and your sex life? I don't think I quite understood
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what my sex life was. Anything else like that.
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Like it was all a form of self discovery.
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So knowing what I did or didn't like sexually, non sexually, I
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knew it made my mind tick. I knew it definitely did
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something for my head. I didn't know what it was, but
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okay, yeah. Did you know it was weird you
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were into it? Oh yeah, okay.
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I've definitely felt weird the whole time, like other people
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didn't talk about it. Everybody else was talking about
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have you kissed this person? Have you whatever have you.
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What base did you get to? My what base is smacking
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somebody's butt? Because that's the base I want
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to get to. I don't think that's on the I
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think I'm playing cricket and not baseball at this point.
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I don't quite know how this works because cricket involves A
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paddle, I'm pretty sure. So maybe that's my game.
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I equate spanking to hugs, but not the type I like.
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I'd say second base if I had to put a base for it.
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With pants, without pants, I mean, it all changes.
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Isn't second base touching someone's boobs under the bra?
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I couldn't tell you. Oh, I don't know either
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actually. OK, but that's what I think it.
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Is figured. Yeah, I know what a home run is.
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Well. That's sex, yeah, Yeah.
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Then what's third base? Naked or I don't know.
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We're so listeners listeners pigeon yeah please like comment
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below you have the answer. We are so bad at normal sex
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things cuz like I. Tried to do normal sex things,
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it didn't work. It's fine.
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OK, what age did you spank your like did you give your first
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spanking 15? OK yeah, I got my first one at
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14. OK.
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Rub it in. No fine.
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Yeah, OK. Did you understand though that
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this was like how you were going to be for the of your life?
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Like for me, the way I entered it, I was like I'm going to
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secretly have this need met forever and just try and live a
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normal life. I never really considered having
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an in my relationship long term. Anything like that.
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I think for the big part, like I I never understood it would come
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to this level in my life. I knew that interest was going
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to be there and everything else. I mean, at 15, it was kind of
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that first girlfriend in high school situation.
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We kind of talked about it and everything else.
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So it was always a flirty, fun kind of way.
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You never really like got deeper to the real root of it, you
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know? So yeah, let's just, you know,
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smack. But a couple times, stuff like
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that never really went too deep. And you're like, oh, OK, well,
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at least it satiates my appetite for now.
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Like, that might just be all of it.
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And then we'll just have a normal vanilla relationship
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outside of that and it's fine. And I'll just continue to watch
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the videos and things like that that get me later.
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And yeah, it was all fine. So knowing that I needed that
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capacity wasn't even on my radar at that time.
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Was she into it? No.
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Like, not at all. She would do it for me, but it
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wasn't. Her thing?
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Yeah, understandable. It's not everyone's thing.
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When did you start, if ever, identifying as a dumb?
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So obviously, you know, you joined the Fett life and yeah,
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you have to at that point establish who you want to be and
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everything else. And it's kind of fun because you
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get to pretend who you are just walking in the door.
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You're like, oh, well, I identify this way.
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So that obviously makes me or whatever.
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So I was definitely the Internet dumb for a little while, you
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know, the dumb by title. And I was like, Oh well, I'm a
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dumb. So obviously anyone who's a sub
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has to instantly respect me. No way.
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Oh, that. That's the way it went in my
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mind. And how?
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Old were you? I was young.
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I think I found fat when I was like 21.
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Two. Well, I was young and naive.
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I mean, I dated the girl until I was early 20s, so it was right
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out of that relationship. And I was still the one person I
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had been with and hadn't really talked to.
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The dating game, the world, the scene, any of that stuff.
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So I was totally new in all of it.
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I was stupidly married at 20, so like, I had my own bad takes on
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how things should go or how things were.
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OK, so you came into Fetlife and you were the Dom.
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How did you figure it out? Because I think there are a lot
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of people and a lot of people ask me this question of like
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real Doms, how to train a Dom type of thing like, so obviously
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you were teachable. How did you learn?
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I originally started on a spanking tube and I was elated
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whenever I found Fetlife because Fetlife, you can actually search
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in your local area all of the kingsters that are actually
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around you, which was such a helpful thing.
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And then obviously everybody pretty much has their whole list
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of kinks and fetishes and things on there that, you know, you're
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like, oh, OK, so I naive, they didn't really look for anything
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but something that said spank. Like I didn't give a crap what
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anybody else was into. I wanted somebody who was
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submissive and into spanking and just started messaging people,
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just blanket sending things like, hey, I noticed you're into
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spanking. I'm also into spanking.
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Do you want to X&Y&Z? And actually I had really good
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responses because I walked into it with the mentality of
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learning and ignorance. Yeah, literally would walk in
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and say, hey, I'm very new to this, Just found this site,
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found all this, like have very little experience, but I would
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love to do it. So can we talk and and had great
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responses from certain people. There were a lot of older
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members in the group, older meaning just more established
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that had a lot of good words of wisdom, things like that, things
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on how to approach respect, that kind of stuff.
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All of those kind of people actually kind of led me in a
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right direction of like a hey, you know, maybe do this, maybe
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attend certain functions and things.
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I obviously are not obvious. I've never really been one for
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public functions and things like that.
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I enjoy my play more in private settings, but they were all
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welcoming and everything else. They introduced me to local
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munches and things like that that I never attended, but they
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were all so welcoming to the idea of yeah, everything, and
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then how to talk, how to approach, how to but you.
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Just kinds of things. You did all the play privately?
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I did. You never went to any
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educational events, any parties starting.
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You were like finding people on Fetlife.
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Did you meet up with anyone who you messaged that way?
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I did I've met with a few people on Fetlife, not a ton, but over
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the last few years I've there have been a decent number there.
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OK, obviously the more accreditation you get, the less
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creepy you look like online, you know, if you're just guy with
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two photos of yourself online and nothing really behind it
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other than saying hey, I like this, you know, doesn't go so
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well. But the more posts you make, the
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more things you become real person, less of a threat.
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Like the more friends you make too.
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Friends, you know, you get tagged in a couple things.
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You write a. Couple.
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Things. Pictures are a big thing.
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Keeping things current is a huge thing.
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You want to share pictures both currently of yourself, but maybe
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even have play partners and things like that with consent
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from those people if they're willing to allow you to those
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kinds of things that says, hey, look, I do have other people
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that allow me to do this with them and enjoy this with them
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and they trust me. So maybe you can too.
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That's good tips for fat life. One of the big things is
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approach the way you would want to be approached.
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I mean approach with the same respect and gravitize it you
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would respect in somebody else and just approach it like you
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would real life, not online. Don't be an online keyboard
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warrior, because you can. All of that makes sense, except
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you didn't go to classes, you did.
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You find a mentor. Like how did you learn how do
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the things? Because as someone who's
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experienced you doing the things, you're quite good at it.
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Skills wise you are very good with impact play.
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All implements you've used, you have amazing aim that alone.
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OK I think. Do you think the power play part
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comes naturally to you? I think it comes naturally.
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I mean, I am an influential and dominant person in my regular
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life. I deal with things regularly in
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my life. I think it allows me to approach
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things with the same logic and intensity that I do both in my
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personal life and my real life. So that's helpful.
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And I think everybody has their own personality.
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I mean, for the Doms, every Dom has a different way about them.
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Everything else, I don't even call myself a Dom.
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I don't like the title. Like, it just doesn't work in my
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head the way it does for other people.
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Like, just in me, it's who I am. OK.
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I feel a role. I understand.
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I understand the label would fit.
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Yeah. No, but I know I remember
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because I'm the one who told you.
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I was like, oh, you are a Dom. Like I've never called myself
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that. Except, evidently on Fetlife at
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21 years old. Yeah, OK.
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And since then now I have no time.
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You don't, OK. Literally that doesn't even say
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anything. It doesn't label me as anything.
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OK, Was there a moment where dominance finally clicked for
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you, though? You knew this, You were learning
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stuff on Fetlife. Was there a moment where you
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felt like I'm really getting this or I'm good at this?
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I think it for me it was actually meeting with people who
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had similar interests and believe it or not, that happened
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more from the vanilla world than it did from sites like Fetlife
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and things like that. Meeting women who were into the
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same thing and into the dominant, that let me step into
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that role because trying to be dominant with people who are not
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into that doesn't really work. It doesn't empower you the same
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way. It doesn't allow you to flex
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those mental and physical muscles in the same way.
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That is productive and enjoyable for both people, and I'm one of
10:21
those people. If it's not enjoyable for both
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parties, it's not going to be enjoyable for me.
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I think that's a really hard way to do it because sometimes you
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are just going to do something for the other person and that
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person is sometimes just going to do things for you.
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It's still. There's an enjoyment aspect in
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that, like there are things that I do for you and things that you
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do for me that we wouldn't necessarily ask for.
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However, we enjoy it because we enjoy each other and we enjoy
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pleasing the other person and in that aspect it is enjoyable.
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Maybe not the ACT itself, but the giving in the ACT itself is
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the enjoyable portion. Whereas with people who aren't
10:55
of the kinky mindset wouldn't enjoy it one way or another.
10:58
They would just sit there, suffer through it, be like, OK,
11:00
are you done? Like true, can we move on?
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Keep on kinking on. What's one thing you do for me
11:34
that you don't fully enjoy? Somebody really is a bitey
11:37
little punk sometimes. Okay.
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Yeah, All right. I'm not a big fan of it but.
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You're not a fan of me biting because it hurts and equally
11:47
some of the things that I do for you that I don't enjoy or going
11:51
to certain pain levels that I don't fully enjoy, but I do for
11:53
you. OK, All right.
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We're giving in equal ways. This is a question I don't think
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I've ever asked you because I've experienced it.
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But like, would you be able to describe your dominant style?
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We've talked about this. I think you're strict.
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You do not think you're? Strict.
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I don't think I'm strict. I also think I have more of a
12:07
quiet dominance than a loud dominance.
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Like my dominant style is never like loud and overly assertive
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and like people walk in like, you know, that's not that way.
12:15
I'm more like sit back, let things go unless I'm needed.
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Once I needed to step up and take control, then there's
12:22
control taken. But for the most part, like let
12:24
things go, gentle directions and coercions, and then if I see a
12:28
need to step up, then we step up and make something happen.
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OK, how would you define our dynamic?
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I mean, I would say that Dom sub is probably a good dynamic
12:36
descriptor, but I don't know. My definition would be it works.
12:40
That's the longest sort. It just works.
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OK, it was sort of right, but like we didn't just naturally
12:47
make it happen. We talked about a ton of things,
12:49
like our views on it, and it did just work.
12:52
We lined up on a lot of things, and I think that's how we're
12:53
here now. But I think that there were
12:56
certain values we've both had. For example, I am not a bratty
13:00
sub. There are bratty tendencies.
13:02
You are overly not a bratty individual.
13:05
However, you're bratty tendencies when looking for
13:08
certain attentions. I don't know.
13:10
We just created a new label for you as Punk Ass Princess, which
13:14
encompasses a better body. Balance, yes, that's actually a
13:17
really good one. OK, fine.
13:20
But you were looking for a good girl.
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You didn't want a brat, you didn't want a little.
13:23
There are like multiple different types of submissives
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that I could have been and like, that was part of it.
13:28
And I think our dynamic kind of, that's why it's, I guess most
13:30
Simply put, as Dom sub. OK, Do you believe all Doms have
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the same responsibility? There's a level of
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responsibility that all Doms need to have.
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I think the number one thing about being a Dom is you need to
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have the interest or best interest of the other person in
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mind whenever you're doing whatever you're doing, whatever
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your dynamic is, whether it's a single time play partner,
13:55
whether it's, you know, weekend warrior type plays, whether it's
13:59
just kind of casual, whatever it is, you cannot take advantage of
14:02
the other person because of their submissive role.
14:05
That's the number one thing in a Dom style that I'm like, doesn't
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matter what your style is, it doesn't matter who you're with,
14:10
it doesn't matter what your dynamic is.
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The number one thing is there has to be respect.
14:14
And the number one thing is as a Dom, your job is to be the
14:17
leader of whatever it is. So if you're going to be that
14:20
leader, you need to do it in a healthy way.
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That's the number one thing that needs to go across the board no
14:25
matter what happens. That's it.
14:26
OK, So what does leadership mean to you?
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To me, it depends on the relationship.
14:30
In our relationship, being a leader is making sure that
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you're safe, making sure you're taking care of, make sure you
14:35
feel seen. Simple little things like the
14:37
vanilla world of making sure you're eating right, drinking
14:39
our waters. We do a good job of looking out
14:41
for each other in those kinds of ways where it's lead by example
14:45
of I want you to drink enough water.
14:46
Well, I need to make sure I drink enough water.
14:48
I need to make sure, oh, you're being safe.
14:50
I need to be safe. I want you to check in, I'm
14:52
going to check in. So for those kinds of ways, I
14:54
lead in those ways. Just try to try to take care as
14:56
best you can. Take care of the people around
14:58
you or everything. The people that you're supposed
15:01
to like me take care of you. I the world around me, you have
15:05
your own things. Your own business, your own
15:07
podcast, your own world that you need to take care of.
15:09
My job isn't to take care of your business.
15:11
That's your job, my job to take care of you.
15:13
And the better I take care of you, the better you can handle
15:15
your world. That's.
15:16
True. So there is stuff in your life
15:18
that I try to take care of, like making sure sleep schedule's
15:20
enough, making sure there's water, making sure we're looking
15:22
out for each other, those kinds of things, and then allowing you
15:25
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the link in the show notes. OK, that's all really good
16:08
points. And I actually want to walk back
16:10
calling you strict. You are consistent.
16:12
That is what you have going. Like it's not strict, it's
16:14
actually consistent. So like you don't falter on if
16:17
you say something is a certain type of way, that's it.
16:19
You're not going to change like another two weeks.
16:21
It doesn't change. And if it does, we talk about
16:23
it. In that consistency, it can be
16:25
hard to like. So listen up peoples of the
16:27
Internet, yes, it's hard. You have to be consistent, but
16:31
you have to be able to approach things with a learning style.
16:34
I mean, we had a a little issue the other day where we were
16:38
being consistent. Everything was in dynamic the
16:41
way it should have been, but we just weren't clicking in the
16:44
right way. It was one of those things where
16:46
we worked through it, we got through it, But that consistency
16:49
is what's important in setting up those boundaries.
16:51
And then like, hey, listen, this is the way things have to
16:54
progress in our relationship. If there's an issue, we can
16:56
discuss it. And everything else.
16:57
That's how we do things. And we're still organizing,
17:01
We're still figuring out our dynamic.
17:03
I mean, we're still new. And those were something it was,
17:05
it was a new thing for us and we figured it out.
17:07
And we've learned new communication styles and how to
17:10
do things. We're learning better ways to
17:11
communicate how we're feeling in things that if we need to, we
17:14
discuss. The last thing we discussed was
17:16
being able to pause. Yeah, in the relationship.
17:18
Like if we're not feeling it right now, both of us, one
17:21
person, the other person. That doesn't mean necessarily
17:24
whatever's happening just ends and it forgotten about.
17:27
But literally putting a pause on it, allowing both people to
17:29
process, come together in a coherent and easier manner and
17:33
tone, figure out what the best course of action forward is, and
17:36
it's super healthy. I think something's going to be
17:38
super great for us. I agree.
17:40
The one thing I took away from that time was you reminding me
17:43
this is the dynamic we agreed to be in because it was like, it's
17:47
really, really easy for me to play the victim mode in my own
17:49
head of like, this is terrible. I hate this.
17:51
Why am I doing this? Because I do sometimes think
17:54
it's like playing life on hard mode.
17:56
And then you just coming to me and saying this is what we
17:58
agreed to before I even voiced any of my things was helpful
18:02
because I was like, Yep, we did agree to this.
18:04
And the second thing is this happened months ago.
18:08
We were having sex and I don't know what I did.
18:10
One of the rare occasions I was bratty and you were rare, you
18:15
stopped us having sex and you maybe got some influence to
18:19
punish me with. And I remember genuinely feeling
18:22
bad. I was like, he had to stop
18:23
having fun because I did something outside of what we
18:26
agreed on. And then it's like stopping fun
18:29
for both of us. And I kind of felt guilty about
18:32
it. And I said something and you
18:34
were like, this is what I signed up for, as in what you had
18:36
signed up for. And it changed the way I thought
18:38
about our dynamic too, and just how we relate to each other.
18:41
Because I'm like, Oh yeah, when I do something, I can't push you
18:44
in a direction because you will stay true and consistent to your
18:47
role. And then I am fucking with that
18:50
by being a brat. And it kind of made me realize,
18:52
like, you didn't sign up to be in a role with a brat, a dynamic
18:54
with a brat. And again, it was just one of
18:56
those rare occasions. And I credit it to why I'm less
18:58
bratty overall because you are consistent and I'm like there's
19:01
no point. What's funny is I remember the
19:03
exact instance. I remember the whole way it went
19:06
down. Everything else, I don't
19:07
remember what the behavior was or whatever it was.
19:10
I remember it was one of those things like in our dynamic once
19:13
punishments over, it's over. And as soon as we were done,
19:16
you're like, can we go back to having sex?
19:17
He's like, yeah, we can like we can go back to this now.
19:20
Like if we're both in a good headspace and everything, like
19:21
we're done, we're clear the the slate's wipe clean, like we're
19:24
moving on. And it was just like, huh.
19:26
Like that was something new to me.
19:27
Like I'd never been in that position before where it was
19:29
like, OK, we just got through this and somebody wanted to be
19:31
like, hey, can we go back to this?
19:32
Like that was new. And I processed it like I had to
19:35
go through my head. I was like, yeah, that is OK.
19:37
Like we were done. This is over like moving
19:39
forward. OK, what did you have to learn
19:42
about me, either as a person or as a that changed the way you
19:47
lead or helped you be better in your role?
19:50
One of the big things for us is communication styles.
19:54
We're not 100% authoritarian and just the way we do things.
19:57
A lot of the times it's not just a do this now because of X&Y&Z
20:00
or things like that. A lot of is approaching things
20:04
with a certain gravitas, a certain.
20:06
Respect. Respect.
20:08
Yeah. And just an understanding, like
20:10
if somebody's in a bad headspace or, you know, having a hard day
20:13
or whatever. It's how we approach things and
20:15
how we talk talk about things. And the way we approach and talk
20:18
about things is huge. Okay, but was that me specific?
20:21
Did you have to adapt to me at all in that way?
20:24
Cuz there are ways I think you did have to adapt to me.
20:26
I do share and I think that you still get really frustrated with
20:31
me at times. I don't know why I'm perfect but
20:34
no. Punk ass Princess means nothing
20:36
it. Just no.
20:37
But do you even know what I'm referring to when I say that?
20:41
Sometimes you get frustrated with me.
20:43
I'm trying to think like, we've definitely had arguments.
20:45
I think it's worth noting we're long distance.
20:47
Like we visit each other, but it takes time.
20:49
So a lot of our conversations are, it's strenuous to be on the
20:53
phone and having to talk through things and not actually be close
20:55
to each other. And we're actually going to talk
20:57
about long distance and how we keep our dynamic going through
20:59
that. But is there anything specific
21:01
you want to adapt to with me or get used to?
21:03
I don't. Think so?
21:04
Nothing, mind immediately. Nothing outside of what a normal
21:07
relationship is. So like, you get to know
21:08
somebody, you get to know how they communicate.
21:10
You know, that's the fair. Things, it's just learning
21:12
communication styles, learning what's important to the other
21:15
person is a huge thing. Like being on the phone is
21:17
important to you. I hate being on the phone.
21:19
That's one of those things that I sat down, I said, no, if this
21:21
is going to be the person I'm with and we're going to do this
21:23
over this, and it's like I'm willing to make the sacrifice of
21:25
being on the phone. We both really also enjoy having
21:29
the other person to talk to all day.
21:30
So we text quite a bit through the day, share random things,
21:33
little clippets, the amount of Instagram reels and things like
21:36
that that I send that you don't respond to.
21:40
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22:06
seas. What's been your favorite moment
22:09
of getting to know each other or our dynamics so far?
22:12
That's a really hard question there, punk.
22:15
There's a lot of good moments, probably chasing you down on the
22:19
hallway to pick you up and carry you back to the hotel room.
22:22
Oh, that was good. On our first weekend that we'd
22:24
ever known each other. Like we weren't even dating at
22:26
the time but she was still being a punk ass Princess.
22:29
One of the like 3. Implement across the room for
22:32
whatever reason and ran out of the hotel room thinking she
22:35
could get someplace. She runs like she has two left
22:38
feet. Stop.
22:40
It you're really. Fast club legs.
22:41
You are taller than me. I'm 55.
22:43
You are 6, two. You can run faster.
22:46
That's why I was not. I was not a slow runner.
22:49
You weren't. Fast.
22:50
OK, I'll give you that. I also was known fast.
22:53
That's your favorite moment. OK, that's fun.
22:55
It's. Definitely one of my favorite
22:56
moments. OK.
22:57
Do you want to hear my favorite moment?
22:58
Do you think you know it? No, I don't think I do.
23:01
I don't think you do either. It was when we were on the phone
23:03
to each other and I was talking, we weren't even fully dating
23:06
yet. We were getting to know each
23:07
other. And I talked to you about
23:09
wanting to maybe have other play partners while we were still
23:12
figuring it out because I was like, we're not official.
23:15
And you talked to me and you just had this like, really no
23:18
bullshit approach to it. You weren't angry.
23:20
You just explained this is what dating intentionally means to
23:23
me. And if that's not what it means
23:25
to you, then we're not on the same page about this.
23:27
And I know what I'm looking for. And I remember in that moment
23:30
you just laid it out so clearly. All of my defenses came down,
23:33
like walls came down and everything, and I just thought,
23:35
oh, this is a leader. And it was like one of the first
23:38
conversations where we had where it wasn't just fun, it was a
23:41
serious conversation. And I felt like you were
23:43
leading. And I was like, OK, this is an
23:45
option to go in this direction or I can have multiple play
23:48
partners. And that was my favorite moment
23:50
because it was the first thing that changed anything for me in
23:53
a big way. So that stands out.
23:54
I like it. OK, wait.
23:56
I do have a question though. How did you get I asked you this
23:58
earlier I mentioned you're really good at impact plate.
24:00
Like how are you so good with a belt, a strap, a cane, all of
24:04
the implements precision? Did you practice on a pillow?
24:07
A person where is there some poor bottom out there that got
24:10
like totally fucked up because you were learning how to aim?
24:13
I don't believe I've ever fucked up a bottom in ways it shouldn't
24:18
have been Messed up, I mean. OK.
24:20
That's a fairway to put it. Yeah, like I've messed up
24:22
plenty. I have a lot of practice.
24:24
I made my first paddle before ever even owning or swinging 1
24:28
and wielded it pretty well, I thought.
24:30
But. With the bottoms you've played
24:32
with, Agree. I would think so.
24:34
Is it the round headed 10? OK.
24:36
That's the one that says spank me Sir across it and it's really
24:39
long. It's basically a principles
24:41
paddle style, just thinner that's not as wide.
24:44
No, you're very good with a cane.
24:46
In my pro days, I was very good with it.
24:48
It's been years since that. All right, a lot of people want
24:51
to know how do you meet a Dom? A little bit about how we met.
24:55
We met at a convention, yes, for kink, and we didn't talk online
25:01
before it. There was a welcome event at a
25:03
bar and we were both both at the welcome event being social.
25:06
I walked up to the bar to order a drink and you introduced
25:09
yourself. That was it.
25:10
There was like nothing special. That was the fifth.
25:13
It was Oasis, which is a spanking event in Las Vegas that
25:16
happens twice a year over like Labor Day weekend and whatever
25:19
the February 1 is. Presidents Day weekend.
25:21
I had, that was my fifth one I'd gone to and then I met you.
25:24
So I've been to a couple and not really met someone who I dated
25:28
or became my Dom. And then I'd also been to TASP
25:30
and multiple other spanking parties, like one night parties
25:33
that had happened in New York City.
25:34
I went to a lot of events before I met you, like invested a lot
25:37
of time, money, traveled. Had you gone to many of those
25:40
events? No, like I said before, I was
25:43
not much of A public player. I have been to 1 Pass, but I
25:46
believe it is 2022. This Oasis was only the second
25:50
national event or even public event that I think I'd been to.
25:53
Everything else has been private play in some capacity, you know.
25:57
Yeah, always finding people to play one-on-one with.
26:00
I had a couple of sessions where there were two women, but
26:03
nothing public. It was always in private homes
26:06
and things like that. OK, so how are you meeting those
26:08
people? People want to know how to meet
26:10
a Dom. I actually think that speaks to
26:12
how you had much more opportunity.
26:14
There are more Subs than Dom's so you had a bigger pool to pick
26:19
from. Dom's are genuinely whether
26:21
you're a man or a woman. If you are seeking a Dom, they
26:23
are harder to find because you have so many options.
26:26
What is your advice to Subs looking for a Dom?
26:28
We are both in very tricky situations.
26:32
As a Dom, I can't really get online and say I'm looking for
26:35
X&Y&Z because the world out there labels you as a weirdo or
26:39
creep real quick. If you are into certain things,
26:41
you know you. Within the Dom subspace, like I,
26:43
I feel like after like there's a dating app called Field F EE, LD
26:48
and now there's BD app BED EE and I'm going to put a link to
26:52
BD app in the show notes because that's specifically for people
26:56
into kink. Those apps exist.
26:58
And I think saying you're a Dom on those makes it much easier.
27:01
Don't you think it's gotten easier to say you're a Dom?
27:02
Or do you specifically mean being into impact?
27:05
I just mean in general, like a lot of people, I don't have a
27:08
good answer for this without son and two.
27:09
No, Say it. The me two movement plus all of
27:13
the feminist movements and everything else really made it
27:15
hard as a man to come out as a dominant individual for a while
27:19
because you instantly got canceled.
27:21
Culture, I mean just instantly turned you off do.
27:24
So many people, I think what it actually was is every idiot
27:28
calling themselves a Dom and acting like you acted at 21 as
27:31
opposed to real doms because I've met real Doms online.
27:34
Do you think OK that's fair? I'm a sub looking for something
27:39
specific. I'm not trying to jump on you
27:41
there but I'm like OK fair. On those dating apps, it's
27:45
harder because you also could receive a lot of hate.
27:48
You can. The funny thing is I'm always
27:49
open in my communication. Yeah.
27:51
So putting yourself out there is obviously the hardest thing in
27:54
anything. And that's going to be your
27:55
number one struggle when looking for anything is you do have to
27:58
put yourself out there in some capacity.
28:00
There are ways to put yourself out there that aren't as open
28:03
and apparent as others. They're a little, or they call
28:05
them now Easter eggs and things like that, that you can drop in
28:08
certain dating apps and things like that in conversation just
28:11
to see how people bite. Throw the fish hook out there,
28:13
see what you catch kind of thing.
28:15
If there's no nibbles on it, you just kind of move on.
28:17
I give advice on like emojis to use, ways to hint at it, but
28:20
obviously you're you don't even have to go to parties to meet
28:22
people like you were meeting people.
28:23
I met people in the vanilla dating apps is the way I met.
28:26
People, and I'm not saying it's easier for you, except I am
28:29
saying it's easier for you as a guy who's willing to take on a
28:33
Don and roll. Maybe you weren't having your
28:34
needs met exactly, but a lot of people were looking for Doms so
28:37
you would fit together in a specific way.
28:39
Are you telling Subs to look for people on dating apps?
28:43
Are you saying when they create a dating app hint at it?
28:45
You're going to find a lot of frustration if you're looking
28:48
for something very specific. It definitely limits your pool
28:51
down and so you are going to find a lot of frustration in
28:54
that. If that's what you're looking
28:55
for and all you're looking for, you need to do it with
28:57
intention. You're going to be more
28:59
frustrated, in my opinion, going out there looking for that and
29:01
then continuing to settle for the things that aren't what
29:04
you're looking before. You're like, oh, I'm on all the
29:05
dating apps. I'm putting my feelers out
29:07
there. But I'll, you know, I'll
29:08
entertain all of these other ideas too.
29:10
Like, no, if you're looking for this, then you put Easter eggs
29:13
in there. One of my Easter eggs that I
29:14
used to use. I forget what dating app it was.
29:16
You know, it was a prompt and it said, what's one of your shower
29:19
thoughts recently? And I was like, adults are
29:21
probably spanked more than kids nowadays.
29:23
Anybody who commented on that as their first like intro?
29:27
I was like, OK, you're commenting on the spanking
29:29
thing. The one thing that mentions the
29:30
word spanking and then you come in a little flirty.
29:33
You're just like, you know, most people talk to it whenever they
29:36
comment on this, they're secretly into spanking.
29:38
That was the simple segue in. And then you talk about, you
29:41
kind of joke a little bit. You can't move straight strictly
29:43
into that conversation because then you're just the weirdo
29:45
talking about spanking online. But like you flirt with a little
29:48
bit, then you flirt with them, you get to know them a little
29:50
bit and they say, OK, so let's talk about this.
29:52
If you don't mind. Let's go back to and talk about
29:54
what level is this? Because everybody to some
29:56
capacity, I believe most traditional women like to be
30:00
spanked in some capacity. I mean, whether it's a smack on
30:02
the butt walking behind them when they're making breakfast,
30:04
whether it's holding the door open, Yeah.
30:06
That's like a tap, though not we're talking.
30:09
Here's the thing, I've met people who say they're into
30:11
spanking but what they meant was just while they're doggy style
30:14
and just during sex. Which is like my least favorite.
30:16
But anyway, what is the best Easter egg you've ever seen that
30:20
someone was submissive? I actually have had friends that
30:22
do this and theirs was always I only like vanilla in my ice
30:26
cream. Like it's simple, it's
30:27
effective, That's what they were.
30:29
Or I only like vanilla sprinkles, something like that.
30:32
Because otherwise people don't really, they look past me like,
30:34
oh, they like vanilla sprinkles. They're, you know, they don't
30:36
like the chocolate or the rainbow or whatever.
30:38
No, just that little bit. Then the right people see that
30:41
whenever you have the right code word, the only the people who
30:44
need to read it can read it. And then like I said, you're not
30:46
putting yourself out there is hard.
30:48
You know, you're definitely putting yourself out there, but
30:50
the only people who are going to see it and understand it are
30:52
people who understand it. So they're not going to be the
30:54
judgmental ones. OK that's fair.
30:56
My advice is that people should be going to these events if they
31:00
want to meet someone, both Doms and Subs.
31:02
I think it's worth it. We differ on this because talk
31:05
about it a lot. You share a lot of other
31:07
opinions. I'm an extroverted person.
31:09
I like to go talk to people. I'll show up to any event and
31:12
find people to talk to and have a good time.
31:14
You're kind of like that, except when it comes to kink events.
31:17
Yeah, I mean, I could still talk.
31:18
I could sell ice to polar bears. But it doesn't bother you to go
31:21
to kink events? Not really.
31:23
Then why did you not go to so many?
31:24
I don't enjoy that style of play I guess.
31:27
What style? I enjoy more interpersonal
31:29
communication and things and just the whole weekend running
31:32
around frolicking kind of thing just isn't my and like if I'm
31:35
going to be spanking somebody or playing with somebody for the
31:38
weekend, for me, I'm too jealous a person to want to share that
31:42
with other people, if that makes sense.
31:43
OK. You wanted more intimate
31:45
connection? Yeah, OK.
31:47
What made you go to this event? Friends.
31:49
I had friends going that were like, you know, you need to come
31:51
out here and do this. And I was like, all right, well,
31:53
they've asked me ever since. It was the same friend I went to
31:55
task with in 2022. OK.
31:58
She was also the same friend that was like, you should really
32:00
sign up for this. And I had another good friend
32:01
that was like I haven't seen you since task 2022, you should come
32:05
out for this one. And I didn't buy my ticket till
32:08
two weeks before the event and then went out there.
32:10
My hotel room was not in the block that everybody elses hotel
32:13
room was because I was late to the party and everything else.
32:15
Which usually means I get a better hotel room.
32:17
But don't try to take that hack from me.
32:19
OK, I'm glad you did show up, so thank you to those friends who
32:23
forced you to come to that event.
32:24
But like you made friends by showing up to the event in the
32:27
1st place and then they're the ones who ultimately that led you
32:30
to meet your girlfriend and your submissive, correct?
32:33
I just want to like really say that I understand how difficult
32:36
it is, how much you are not a fan of parties, but what
32:39
happened is you went to one party, develop friendships,
32:41
those friends LED you to come to another party and that is how we
32:44
met. Yes, it's a way that works.
32:46
And I understand people don't enjoy putting themselves outside
32:50
of their comfort zone or doing things like it didn't.
32:52
You were like, well, I'm not into playing like this, but
32:54
there are many people. There were hundreds of people
32:56
there to meet and talk to and become friends with.
32:59
And I will say, if you do go to these events, play inside your
33:02
comfort level. Just because you're at this
33:03
event doesn't mean you have to play with everybody.
33:05
It doesn't mean you have to go outside your comfort levels.
33:07
It doesn't mean you have to be in the public spaces and the
33:09
rooms and everything else. There are events you can go to
33:12
and certain things you can go to.
33:14
I mean, one of the big events that I enjoy is the dinner and
33:16
the dance. Everybody dresses up and I had
33:18
buttons on my shirt, which which is not normal for me.
33:20
I'm much more blue collar than that.
33:22
Wore some nice slacks. She wore a beautiful dress, nice
33:25
dinner and then there was a dance afterwards.
33:27
So it's, you know, like going back to prom and just, there was
33:30
nothing kinky about it necessarily other than the
33:32
people you're with. And that is something I enjoy is
33:35
meeting people of like mind that you can be yourself about.
33:38
You can joke about certain things that you can't joke about
33:40
with your vanilla friends and things like that, even if you're
33:43
not necessarily playing in that direction.
33:45
Because we would go out. And I mean, my favorite thing
33:47
about that weekend that we met was not necessarily necessarily
33:50
being at the event, but meeting people at the event and going
33:53
doing what I would call vanilla activities in the real world
33:55
with kinky people. Exactly.
33:58
Thanks for saying what I wanted you to say.
34:00
I'm being trained, apparently, yeah.
34:03
I believe that. I think that both people train
34:05
each other. You teach people how to love
34:07
you. I think you also teach people
34:09
how to Dom you and how to submit to you.
34:11
And I think we're all in training.
34:12
Anyone who's entering into a relationship is in training.
34:15
More advice for subset because that's like what I want to
34:17
understand. What do you think makes a
34:19
submissive easy or difficult to lead?
34:21
Like I think that's another thing I speak with a lot of
34:24
submissives. They're like, I want to Dom to
34:25
be XY and Z, and one of the things I do is I talk to them
34:28
about how it's a relationship. So you have to compromise on
34:30
things like what have you seen makes it easier to lead or be
34:35
dominant or like speak to the communication of it.
34:37
Here's the biggest thing in any relationship period,
34:40
flexibility. And we're not just talking about
34:42
in the bedroom, we're talking about everything.
34:44
You need to be flexible in the way you communicate, how you
34:47
love, how you care, all of those kinds of things.
34:50
And this doesn't mean on everything to be in a true
34:53
relationship. If you want to be in something
34:56
long term with somebody specifically, you have to
34:58
understand what you're about, who you're about, figure out
35:01
what your non negotiables are. Those are things that you're not
35:04
flexible on and you need to communicate those early on.
35:06
But everything else is flexible. You need to be able to hear and
35:09
listen to understand and respond to make a difference.
35:13
Listening to understand what the other person's going through is
35:16
the number one big thing. So if you're a submissive person
35:18
trying to get the Dom to do something or trying to explain
35:21
how you feel, you need to be able to explain it, but they
35:23
also need to be able to listen to understand it and not listen
35:26
to respond. And that goes both ways.
35:28
As a dominant person, you need to listen to understand and then
35:32
respond to be word. But also you need to be willing
35:35
to be a little flexible. If your dominant style doesn't
35:38
100% work, it's not going to work.
35:40
Being somewhat flexible in that and the way you communicate.
35:43
There are certain ways that we communicate now that the gung ho
35:46
approach isn't always the best approach.
35:48
Would that have been your natural approach before?
35:50
Not necessarily. I think at a young age, whenever
35:52
I was doing it, that would be my approach was like, I was like,
35:55
Oh no, I have to be the most dominant person.
35:57
And I still struggle with that. Like there are times where I'm
35:59
like, no, I have to do this because I'm the dominant 1.
36:02
And obviously the brain just doing what the brain does and
36:05
you talk yourself out of it. But I have to process through
36:07
that thought process of like, no, I don't have to just be
36:10
dominant here. Like I can step back a little
36:12
bit and listen a little longer. But at the end of the day, as
36:15
the dominant 1, you have to be the one that leads.
36:18
So you can also lead by giving up the reins.
36:21
It sounds asinine. I understand.
36:23
But like if you don't know or don't understand, it's just as
36:27
powerful to lead by saying I was wrong, I messed up.
36:30
You probably shouldn't have been punished for that.
36:31
Thank you for taking that. We'll communicate that better
36:34
next time. Or have you ever punished me and
36:36
regretted punishing me? No, no.
36:40
OK, all right. I was like, wait, no, have I
36:42
gotten something I didn't deserve?
36:44
No. Have I done in the past?
36:45
Yes. OK.
36:46
Have I got so gung ho that I'm like, no, I am in charge, You
36:49
are not in charge. Like you did this and this and
36:51
this and this and it was a misunderstanding through the
36:54
whole thing. How do you learn emotional
36:55
regulation then? Because I think it does get
36:57
really emotional. It does for me.
37:00
I never spank whenever I'm overly frustrated.
37:04
Obviously the little things that you're a little frustrated,
37:06
things like that, sure. But if you don't feel
37:08
emotionally regulated in your own self probably shouldn't be
37:12
engaging in any kind of activity like that.
37:14
Let your mind calm down, let yourself refocus, calm the
37:17
waters, then reapproach. And it's OK to say I'm not in a
37:21
place to deal with this right now.
37:22
I need to separate. Something we did in our
37:24
relationship is we set up a rule that said if we need space, we
37:29
communicate space. Now, that means that we tell
37:32
each other, I still care about you.
37:34
I need to separate. I'm going to separate for this
37:37
long, however long that is. Or if you don't know, I don't
37:40
know how long that is, But we have a rule that we check in
37:42
every morning and every night regardless of how we're feeling.
37:45
Hey, I'm still needing space. I still care about you, but I
37:48
need space. And then the next morning slept
37:50
it off. Still frustrated, still need
37:52
space, still care about you moving forward.
37:54
Which is really hard though still.
37:56
Oh, it sucks that like because it's happened on both sides, I
37:59
think to know that essentially you have fucked up, the other
38:03
person is annoyed at you, but also understands they need to
38:06
process through it before they come back and have a regulated
38:09
conversation about it. It's like a punishment in
38:11
itself. That's not meant to be a
38:13
punishment at all. It's literally like, this is the
38:15
healthiest thing for both of us, right?
38:17
And I think giving each other the space to do that is a way I
38:21
think we've both grown. Because here are things that I
38:23
have never and seriously will try and hold myself too, we'll
38:28
never do with you. I have never hung up the phone
38:30
on you. And I have done that in previous
38:32
relationships. And we've been frustrated enough
38:34
at each other on calls at times because long distance is hard,
38:38
that I think that there are times where I easily in the past
38:41
with a different partner, would have just hung up.
38:43
Well, it's funny because there are times that you've said
38:45
things like, OK, I need to go. No, there have been certain
38:47
discussions and things we've had on the phone where you're just
38:49
like, I just need, I'm like, no, we're gonna sit right here.
38:50
We're gonna talk about this longer.
38:51
Like even if we're not hanging up, we're not hanging up this
38:53
way, like. That no, that's like.
38:55
Continue. To talk one, really.
38:56
Breathe. Yeah, but that's where you lead.
38:59
Like I didn't. It wasn't bullying.
39:00
It wasn't trying to just the throw weight.
39:02
It was a no. Like this is my job to lead this
39:05
role. I understand we're both
39:06
frustrated and everything else. And a lot of this is coming
39:08
through emotion. Calling that emotion out and
39:10
saying this is where it is. This is what I see is a healthy
39:13
thing to do. Calling the demons to lighten
39:15
anything is a huge thing. It's hard to do, especially with
39:18
yourself, but with other people too, because then they get
39:21
frustrated. I mean, some people don't like
39:22
having their demons called out. I don't.
39:24
But it's super healthy because once you bring them to light,
39:26
you know, you give them the time of day.
39:28
Now all of a sudden they have no power.
39:30
Yeah, that's on both sides. It's kind of calling each other
39:33
and they're bullshit, but like in a really loving way.
39:36
Like, hey, you're being this way because of X&Y&Z.
39:39
You're frustrated because you haven't slept.
39:40
You're doing this because of this.
39:42
There's trauma coming out from your past that's doing this and
39:45
this and this and it's causing this.
39:47
And if we, you know, can't push through this right now, then we
39:50
need to slow down what this dynamic is doing in this
39:53
instance. Like if, if this is going to
39:54
push you more into trauma, let's slow down.
39:56
Let's pull back a little bit. But this is being triggered
39:59
because of this. And calling those things out
40:01
allows you to then understand the emotion, process the
40:03
emotion, and better navigate the emotion than the next train.
40:07
Here's one thing that I will say you are scarily good.
40:11
It was one of the things that attracted to you at first,
40:14
scarily good at reading people. It is you are one of the best
40:18
people I've ever met at reading people.
40:19
In fact, when we went to a group lunch, our first time really
40:22
hanging out with each other, we were at a group lunch.
40:24
We knew we were interested in each other to a certain extent,
40:26
but I got lost in thought as I do sometimes.
40:29
And you looked at me and said where'd you go, implying that I
40:32
was not really with the conversation because you noticed
40:35
and I don't think anyone else at that table would have noticed.
40:37
Everyone has certain strengths and weaknesses.
40:39
That's the strength of yours that I don't take for granted.
40:42
So finding those things out about the other person is
40:44
helpful too, and then never weaponizing that.
40:46
That's the big thing is never weaponize anything, especially
40:49
if somebody's being vulnerable with you, sharing with you, that
40:51
kind of stuff. And this counts both in the
40:54
relationship and out of the relationship.
40:56
If that relationship ends for whatever reason, you don't then
40:59
go and try to weaponize any kind of things shared in trust.
41:02
I mean, that's just poor taste. But the big thing is, you know,
41:06
there are things we share with each other that we don't share
41:08
with other people, number one, but #2 we hold that securely for
41:12
the other person. You don't ever use it as a
41:14
weapon. You don't ever try to leverage
41:16
it as a position. There are ways we don't push
41:18
each other's buttons because we're giving each other the
41:21
ammunition to burn down, take, you know, the whole person down.
41:24
And we don't, we don't use that against each other.
41:27
Never. But that again, that's just like
41:28
common decency, too. That's being in a healthy
41:30
relationship. In this same regard, nothing is
41:33
stupid. If somebody feels vulnerable
41:36
about something and they share it with you in vulnerability, no
41:39
matter how foolish, sounds are inadequate or, you know,
41:42
undeserving of attention that meant something to that person.
41:46
We hear that person. Give me an example of that.
41:48
Is there something that I have shared that you thought?
41:51
We'll think about it. Take a second I'll.
41:52
Think about. It I've shared that you were
41:54
like this has no merit, no weight, but it's something that
41:58
she thinks or feels. Nothing comes to mind, but I
42:00
also have that short term memory of whenever.
42:02
Like if I'm not immediately thinking about it, the ADHD side
42:05
of my brain just puts it so far back until it's triggered back
42:08
up by something else. I'll be up at 2:00 in the
42:11
morning and I'll roll over it like we need to go rerecord
42:13
because I just thought of something or whatever it is.
42:15
But yeah. No, you know what, for me, there
42:18
is an example I think that you took seriously even though you
42:20
didn't. We got in like a joke fight.
42:23
I don't even know, like that's such a stupid thing to call it,
42:25
but it was. And you made a joke about me
42:27
being dumb or something. And it was, it was a joke, but I
42:30
was so upset by like it kept me up that night.
42:33
There was something that happened where I went to turn on
42:36
the fan or something and you're like, oh, you have to turn the
42:38
light switch on before you press the fan button.
42:40
And I was like, that's when it all came out because I was like,
42:42
you think I'm dumb, You think I'm stupid.
42:44
You said it and like you took the time to explain that that's
42:48
not how you felt at all. And I think we decided there are
42:50
no more joke fights happening anymore.
42:52
The. Problem with those joke fights
42:53
is a lot of times they just put everybody, one UPS the other
42:56
person, one of us, and somebody ends up hurt more than the other
42:58
person and that's whatever. It always ends.
43:00
Well, that's because you made a joke about my intelligence, but
43:03
I pulled out something that I knew it was just gonna.
43:05
I was like, we're going nuclear on this joke fight.
43:07
And that's where I had to step up and stay with my insistence
43:10
and say that was too far. Yeah, we're done.
43:13
We're not having this conversation anymore and we walk
43:16
past it. I should have also said, OK, no,
43:18
this is too far. You really upset me.
43:20
Now. The reason I bring that up is I
43:22
really felt like we had a very serious conversation where you
43:24
heard me out and it wasn't just like, I don't feel this way.
43:27
I think some of those things stick sometimes.
43:29
And that's the hard part is if you hear of your partners, your
43:32
play partner, your relationship partner, whatever partner you
43:35
want to have, even your friends. I mean, this is something that
43:38
is common decency. If you have friends that have
43:41
insecurities and things like that, you just don't make those
43:43
jokes. If somebody's insecure about
43:45
height, weight, the fullness of their hair, their skin tone,
43:49
whatever it is, you don't use that as a leverage point to make
43:53
fun of even in little ways. You just don't.
43:56
If they're not comfortable 100%, you just don't need to push
43:58
those buttons. Trust me, there are 100 other
44:00
ways to make fun of somebody. If you want to make fun of them,
44:02
just don't use those ones. Yeah, that's good advice.
44:06
If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to subscribe, leave
44:08
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44:11
interesting. And if you have any questions or
44:13
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44:15
reach out. e-mail info@thekingconsultant.com.
44:20
Until next time, keep on kinking on.