Latest / Around the Kinky Kampfire Podcast / Ep 14 Pillow Fort Sessions | Building Bonds Through the Subtle Art of Small Talk

Transcript

Ep 14 Pillow Fort Sessions | Building Bonds Through the Subtle Art of Small Talk · Around the Kinky Kampfire Podcast

• 0:46
  Speaker 1: Welcome back campsters to another episode of around the kinky campfire.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: This is a in between.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: We got busy with life episode here so Julius came in and did a little pillow fort session for you.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: I know it's a second or fourth Thursday, but group stuff happens as we can fit it into our schedule, but life gets to us sometimes.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: So hopefully you enjoy the ramblings of this solo podcast episode Pillow fort session and we'll be back with you on a regular schedule Thursday as soon as we can.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: But for now here is a pillow fort episode for you, please enjoy.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: Welcome everybody to another episode of around the kinky campfire the pillow fort sessions.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: This is your host, l Comey no, aka the cuddle Jigolo, or simply H H Julius, coming to you once again for another quick episode on a very specific topic I like to talk about that don't really get to during the big group podcast because it doesn't quite Get too specific on certain things.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: So I like to take the time and take a quick 20, 30 minutes to dive deep into a subject that I find interesting and Hopefully very helpful to most people, or just to be aware of for the future.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: As you may or may not know, I Talk about certain things In our big episodes but don't get to go very specific.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: Said that already, just re-editing the point.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: We Around the kinky campfire, like to educate through awareness, with our experiences not really certified as of yet, but we, some of us, will be in the future, maybe, maybe, maybe not, but we'll see.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: So right now I'm gonna talk about something, but well, right now I should say in a quick minute here, but as y'all know, it is time We'll have half a minute.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: I should say it's time For the ASMR 30 seconds, real quick, asmr, not or half minute.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: You're doing half an episode, so half ASMR.
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: I am drinking the good old, great value coffee shop Coffee right now, in my very special mug.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: You may or may not have seen it so far, hint, hint, foreshadowing, but here we go.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: It's gonna start here in three, two.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: Ah, delicious Mmm coffee, my lifeblood.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: I'm doing an episode on coffee at some point.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: I was just going to commentate on everything.
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: Comment on everything, give my opinions.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: But yes, this is my time, julius' time to deep dive, because I am a nerd.
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: So there's certain things I just want to talk about that we kind of covered.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: Or I see somewhere that's very popular on a video or Reddit or something, and it's like huh, I have an opinion on that, so I'm going to go ahead and give it here.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: If you're here, then you must like my opinion.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: So yeah, on to today's topic.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: Today I want to talk about small talk.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: Yes, people often talk about small talk, but they don't know exactly what small talk is or why it's important.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: So it's going to be a little bit of a debate here.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: I'm on the side of small talk.
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: I think that is a skill, which I'll dive deeper into why I think it's a skill.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: But most smart people agree with me the certified people that it is a skill.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: So some people say they're not good at small talk, but it's like have you practiced it?
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: Like I'm confused when people say that a skill that they never used, were never taught, that it was a thing that they're not good at, and it's like well, yeah, because you haven't used it.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: It's like I'm not a good swimmer.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: Were you taught to swim, then you're not going to be a good swimmer.
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: So it's very confusing to me.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: People say that skills are not a people person.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: It's like have you, were you taught to be a people person?
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: So, yeah, Small talk.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: I believe this is my straight up believe, before I get into the actual facts of the thing is a skill and everybody should practice it at least a little bit.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: It'll get you farther in life, not just in business.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: There's a lot of careers sales people, probably the biggest example that small talk will help you further your career.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: Now I understand people don't like small talking.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: I'll get into some of the reasons why people don't like small talking.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: But for me it's like once I get good at a skill in general, then I usually end up liking it more and so it's like you don't know what you like and don't like.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: But it's like try, give it a try first.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: Actually figure out what it is you don't like about it, try the thing before you just knock it down.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: So it doesn't make any sense to me when people say this I don't like small talk.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: Have you actually tried to practice it?
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: Is it a thing you do?
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: And it's sound like one of the old people here, older in our years here at around the Kinky Can Fire.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: But these kids nowadays, especially with the panini going on and the social distancing, didn't get a chance to small talk in person.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: Most of the interactions are virtual now, over Zoom or something and you don't really get the chance to small talk as much.
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: But it's like where stuff is getting like restaurants and businesses are.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: They're increasing, they're hours, some are going back to 24 hours, so there's more opportunity to be in a social space in person.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: So if you're going out to for your first time to like a munch or something like that, it's good to have small talk out there and practice the small talk.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: I know some people just don't like it and that's fine.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: If you've done your small talk in a bit and you just end up not liking it, then that's one thing.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: Ah, yummy, but it is a skill.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: You need to practice it.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: Okay, so nothing to me rambling about my opinion about small talking and why I decided to do this talk about small talk.
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: Let's get into what it actually is.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: The Webster's definition is small talk is a conversation about not important things, often between people who don't know each other very well, really well.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: So when you get into a situation and you don't know anybody there or you kind of know people there, I mean some people small talk with acquaintances or whoever you have, like that friend that you only see at public functions or virtually, or whatever, you only hang out with them in a virtual space.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: A lot of us have started like group chat places that you know there's, like WhatsApp and Line and Discord, so you don't really always see the person in real life or you do, maybe, but you actually get to know them very well and you're just doing a lot of small talk.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: How's the weather?
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: What about that sports ball game type thing?
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: It's an informal type of discourse that doesn't cover any functional topics of conversation or any transactions that need to be addressed, so it's very fluff.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: That's the biggest thing about small talk.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: It's fluff, just surface level things, and you don't have to get into very much detail about the thing.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: You're just kind of gauging somebody's interest to work conversation and the ability to conduct small talk is a social skill, like flirting.
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: There are plenty of social skills.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: People say they're bad at flirting as well and I'll probably do a discussion of that, but this is my point it's a social skill.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: Even the academics I'll say academics, there you go.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: The academics even say it's a social skill.
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: Philosophers, psychologists, psychiatrists, all the certified people have agreed that it's a social skill, something to work on Practice.
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: You need practice.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: It's not a thing you just pick out of nowhere.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: You know, most schools have sports ball but they don't have a, which I would argue is a skill.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: Most sports balls are skills.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: You have to practice them to get good at them.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: This is a social skill, a soft skill, something you have to work on.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: You can't just be good at it after you are born.
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: You don't born, you aren't born good at skills.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: Some people have talent.
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: There are people that are very talented, gifted people.
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: They have a slight advantage.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: You know, especially if it's a physical skill, as in sports brawl, you know more and taller, burn bigger.
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: Whatever you have an advantage doesn't mean if you have less advantages you can't get good at it, and there's a subjective definition of what good is.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: I would say I am, oh, I never said so.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: I think social.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: Small talk is social skills in general.
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: But small talk is needed.
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: But I don't always like it.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: But I did have, you know, I did practice and made it is.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: It was not informed, it was a initiate.
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: There's a purpose to it.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: With my small talking practice I tried to get better at small talk.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: Now I found a way for me to find it entertaining, so therefore I enjoy it more because I think it's fun.
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: So I actually think small talking is fun now because I've turned into a game which was very made it very specific to me.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: I found something that I liked about it, so then, therefore, I practice it more, because just practicing for practicing you don't care what it is can be very boring.
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: So, yeah, that's, that's tough.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: So try to make a game out of it, not even like a like.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: Just because you make something into a game doesn't mean you take it less serious.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: Just find some way to make it enjoyable for yourself if you want to practice your social skills.
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: Most of us here hopefully already know that around the kinky campfire we focus on non-monogamy kinky media, seven with a little bit of geek.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: But most of those cases that we talk about in our experiences have to do relationships.
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: As we know, you can't just start relationships out of I mean, you can just start them out of nowhere.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: But you have to have some form of communication.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: You can't just walk up to somebody and then they're your partner.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: That's not really how it works.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: So you have to talk to them.
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: This is this is the biggest thing here, this conversation.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: The biggest part of communication is usually conversation.
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: As humans, we have the gift of voice, we can say words and form sentences, and getting to that point usually starts with small talk.
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: You don't just jump right in and start, hey, so when do you lose your video to me?
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: No, that's not.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: You know when's the last time you cried?
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: Don't really get into that when you meet somebody for the first time, especially if you're going to a public event, which we like to do here.
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: We like to visit dungeons and clubs and go to munches and social events in general.
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: One of us likes to go to the club still and the bars and just hang out some some people like bar guys and girls.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: So yeah, you have to.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: If they build that rapport, this doesn't happen out of nowhere.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: I understand there's people you can see somebody find them attractive and you know you can see them and decide whether you want to have sex with them, just.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: But you got it.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: You just don't.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: You don't just grab their hand and just lead them to the bedroom.
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: Doesn't really work that way.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: So we got to develop the talking skills and small talk is a initial part of it.
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: It is a bonding ritual and a strategy for managing interpersonal distance, aka social capital.
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: So I would argue that having the ability to small talk, whether you're good or not about it, does increase your social, social, social, social capital.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: When we're talking about interpersonal distance is basically how close not necessarily in a physical sense you are to another person.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: So, in order to become closer, develop trust, kinship, loyalty, all that different things that happens when you develop a relationship.
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: Somebody doesn't have to be a romantic or physical, can be a friendship or our family ship, as we say here, like to keep the stuff general here and around a kinky campfire there is.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: There.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: Small talk is one of the ways to close that distance.
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: You have to develop the capital in order to become closer with somebody.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: You know, this is, this is my, my view on this.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: So you know, if you disagree or agree, whatever, and so have, so be it, have after you.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: I don't really, it doesn't really.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: I don't want to say I don't care about it, but it doesn't really matter, doesn't really change my viewpoint on the whole thing.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: Whether somebody agrees or disagrees over we are here for awareness.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: People, I'll keep saying this again we're not here to change your mind.
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: Dramatic pause for a drink.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: We are here to give you our opinions, make you aware of this.
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: Okay, I don't, I don't.
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: You know you can like it or not like it, but small talk is a social skill.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: The academics have said it.
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: You need to practice skills.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: That's how they work, to get better at them.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: Small talk can be used to help define relationships and for new people to explore and categorize their social position.
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: So I don't know how I can't think of any way you would define whether you want to continue to relate to somebody without a bit of small talk there.
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: I don't, I don't know, maybe it's my avoid, an attachment, but I have to decide whether I want to keep conversating with you by judging judging bad, even though you all know I'm very judgy by evaluating your ability to have conversation and I'm not gonna dive deep into when you lost your virginity, what you're the word your most, what's your most sensitive body part, I don't know.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: Favorite sex position it's like I'm not gonna get right into that.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: I will talk about the weather or sports ball.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: It's like I'm gonna see whether you gauge your interest and see what you're interested in before I do a deep dive as to why, at some point, if I'm talking to somebody, the question why is going to happen?
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: Why do you have this opinion.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: Don't really care what the opinion is, you can be left or right, I just want to know why doesn't make any sense to me.
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: When people don't want to know why about something, you just you go up and talk to somebody or just look at them, decide whether you want to talk to them or not, but you haven't even heard them say anything.
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: So I don't know, doesn't make sense to me.
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: But that is the way some people are.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: I understand you have like first impressions.
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: You look at somebody the way they're dressed, how their hygiene is doing, or something like that.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: You make you have an impression on them.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: But I would just beg you people to take another step forward and ask them at least a question or two to see what's going on.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: Maybe they just had a bad day and just didn't brush their teeth or something.
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: You know there was particularly stress because somebody died or something.
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: I'm going to very extreme with it with this example.
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: But you never know unless you actually talk to the person.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: Now, if you see them on a regular basis, even though you haven't talked to them, they do.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: You know they're looking funky all the all every time you see them, then I understand that once again, I am very judgy, but I'm not here to judge.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: So you, you make that decision on your own.
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: I'm just saying small talk helps make that decision, okay, so what is the difference between small talk and a conversation?
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: So go over some things here for small talk or conversation.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: Which one should I do first?
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: Let's see, let's do small talk, okay?
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: So small talk is simple and relatable.
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: I think we got that in the definition as well.
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: So you, you want to talk about things that not very deep.
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: So you know whether sports ball, how their day went, the week went, the traffic or wherever you're at, a lot of people like to talk about traffic, especially in central Florida.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: So I assume that a lot of people have dealt with traffic at some point.
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: Might not be as bad as like a k big city or quote-unquote big city traffic, but everybody's dealt with traffic and stupid drivers.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: So that's another thing to come together on.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: It's also non-serious.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: That doesn't really affect the outcome of the interaction.
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: I should say the topic is not very serious, because the way the actual small talk goes could affect the outcome, whether you wanna keep relating to that person or not.
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: But yeah, the topic is not very serious, it's less involved, a less involved way to gauge interest.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: So you're talking about a non-serious topic.
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: You can see if that person's interested in even continuing talking to you.
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: I would say in my experience that talking small talking with someone, your ability to small talk this is a weird thing too, that people say I'm not good at small talk but like you're good or bad at small talk, I have not seen really where it's that is gauging somebody's thing is like, oh man, that person's a bad small talker, I don't wanna talk to them anymore.
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: That isn't really how it happens.
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: It's pretty much just a way to gauge interest.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: So that's how you figure out whether the person you want to talk to wants to talk back to you.
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: So I can't imagine like, oh man, you're bad at small talking, I don't wanna talk to you anymore.
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: Now it can't make things awkward, but I would argue in my opinion that that person probably didn't wanna talk to you in the first place.
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: So if you are bad at small talk quote, unquote bad at small talk and the person doesn't wanna talk to you, I would just make the assumption not really an assumption, but because you already got some information.
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: But I would come to the conclusion that they probably didn't wanna talk to you in the first place.
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: So unfortunately, that is a thing.
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: But yeah, being bad or good at small talk, I don't see how that is as far as like social interactions, maybe for like, if you're trying to make a sale or something, you have to convince the person to like what you're selling or you in general.
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: But yeah, you can get deep into the weeds on that.
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: I'm just talking about small talk, as in general.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: Being good or bad at small talk is a whole different thing.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: You probably need practice and some kind of coaching, some kind of research, to get better at it.
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: I would say.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: But not the point of this podcast, we're just talking about small talking, why it should be used.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: In general.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: It can help to build trust very good trust building.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: If somebody's willing to conversate with you, you can kind of gauge that, oh, probably they like talking to me and wanna keep interacting with me.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: So the initial small talk will start and then, if it continues and you're like, oh, okay, I can start trusting this person, they gave me a little bit of information about themselves and then I gave it a little bit of information about myself.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: So how do you build trust?
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: Vulnerability we should hopefully have gone over that by now.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: I can't remember what episode that would be in, but the way to build trust is through vulnerability.
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: If you have a common interest with somebody and you disclose details about that, then you are being a little bit vulnerable, even though it is a non-serious topic.
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: But your opinion's being given.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: So I hope you at some point gave your opinion about something.
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: You just weren't stating facts.
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: That's kind of creepy or non-committal.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: If somebody you're talking to is somebody and they just give you facts the whole time with no opinion, it's like okay, this person's probably not really invested.
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: They're just giving me just straight facts the whole time.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: And then also, with the trust being built, it can kind of quote unquote grease the wheels for more meaningful conversation.
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: So hopefully, through your advanced small talk quote unquote you have found a topic that you hopefully have some common interest with.
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: I mean also, I mean it might not happen.
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: So then you stop, you know, decide to stop relating to that person.
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: But it can grease the wheels so it'll make it easier to have the deeper conversations.
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: If you have some amount of small talk with a person, they're more likely to jump into a deeper conversation with you rather than just off the bat jumping into the deeper conversation, depending on the space.
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: It's a kind of initial investigation and or discovery, so a way to probe what the other person's into Do you have any common interests or have a topic that you both like discussing?
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: And then also displays your communication level.
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: So the ability to small talk once again, people is a skill.
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: So if you can't really do it or don't wanna do it well or whatever, your communication level might be kind of low.
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: I might think that you can't really talk about a deeper topic.
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: If you can't talk about these light stuff, if the light stuff is difficult, then what are we gonna do about the intermediate or difficult like a master level stuff?
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: Okay, so what's the difference between small talk and conversation?
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: So we talked about small talk.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: Let's talk about conversation.
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: Conversation are actually specific facts about a person.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: So you're talking on a deeper level with a person and you're going into very much specifics.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: It's easier to do when you're in a conversation after you've done a little bit of small talk and this is very much a generality.
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: But once again, I don't think you can really jump into a deep conversation with somebody if you don't do the small talk first, depending on the situation.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: I will say that, depending on the situation much easier if you're doing, I guess, trying to date the person.
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: Specifically, if you're trying to get into a relationship and the person already disclosed that they're trying to get in a relationship, then I can understand the need for no small talk.
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: But I would argue that even in a regular relationship you dip in and out of these small talk versus actual conversation.
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: You know how's your week going, how's work.
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: You know that kind of thing usually happens when you're in a relationship with somebody.
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: You have those conversations.
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: Conversations usually have a purpose, direction, about sharing experience and there's some form of critical reasoning happening during this time.
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: So that's, that's the biggest difference between small talking, actual conversation.
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: There's critical reason.
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: Let's ask why.
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: Let's deep, dive into a specific experience that you had about this specific topic and try to.
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: Well, I don't know if you have to relate, but Hopefully the person you're talking to has some kind of Empathy for you.
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, if you decide to have share a very vulnerable experience Actually doesn't have to be vulnerable.
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: I would just say I Would like a, especially a partner or a friend to have some kind of Empathy when I'm sharing its experience with them.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: Doesn't need to be actually like sad or anything or depressing, but I would just like, even if I'm happy, I'll be like, oh, I'm happy for you.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: That would be a quality I would like out of a friend or a partner or even a family member.
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: Conversations can be explorative or take you on a journey, so could be very anecdotal.
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: Basically, in a conversation, you're spending more time on the topic and Giving your reason why you want to talk about it and hopefully the person that you're talking to wants to do the same as well.
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: It's not gonna last very long.
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: If you're being open with a person and then they're not being open back.
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: It's very awkward and can very much end the conversation very quickly.
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: It's more involved because deep topics are discussed, and then it's an incorrect assumption that most people don't want to participate in deep Conversations.
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: So a lot of people have this assumption that when you're going to a social event, most of people there don't want to have deep conversations.
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: That's very incorrect.
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: It's actually.
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: Studies have shown that most people prefer deeper conversations.
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: So the way to get there, in my opinion, is through small talk.
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: You're not gonna just start randomly having, once again, you're not gonna just be randomly having deep conversations, depending on the space, with you know, random people.
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: That's not how it works, but it is an incorrect assumption to assume that people don't want that.
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: Most people want the deep conversations.
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: We just got to be very picky or are very picky about who we have those conversations with and how do you figure that out?
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: Who you want to have that with, small talk people.
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: That's how it works in In general.
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: Okay, now I will say I keep saying in general, depending on the space.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: Now, if you're like in a class or something, or, once again, you're new, you're on a dating thing, whatever it is app or in person, once you know you, you dip in and out of the small top, but you, the purpose there is to get in the deep conversation, hopefully Well, I would say hopefully for me, because classes I go to usually have to do with a topic I like to discuss in depth, and that is the purpose of being in that space or virtual space, in real life space or virtual space, so I would I would Assume.
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: I hate using that, though, but I would assume that most of the people there want to talk about that in depth.
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: So that's a caveat I got to give there with the small talk versus conversation.
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: Okay, what are some reasons for small talk?
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: So what?
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: I'm going back to my argument that small talk is needed.
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: Let's see here.
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: It's a predictable exchange, usually only dealing with, like, happy or neutral emotions.
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: So you kind of know that when you're engaging in small talk You're not really getting into the sad topics, you're not really getting into the angry topics and or like very much in depth.
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: Now I use the example before with traffic.
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: A lot of us hate traffic but you know you're not gonna be very passionate about it, like hating traffic, like I want to Take traffic out and you know, erase construction and completely it's not very, it's not very serious.
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: We.
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: Yet we all know that you can't really remove the traffic.
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: This is pretty much impossible For the most part and construction is always gonna be a thing.
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: But we're gonna talk about those things and try to connect and it's not gonna be a Very emotional thing tied to it.
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: Now Some people do do that on a very not Not deep subject, like people with sports ball.
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: They get into their teams and it's like that.
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: That's very awkward man, that's very bad small talk if you're getting angry for real about having a conversation, whether somebody likes your team or not, or they're doing bad or something like that, I would argue.
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: So it's supposed to be very much a neutral emotion type thing.
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: Another reason for small talks a low-key opportunity to demonstrate good judgment.
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: So on your part and the other person's part, you want to be able to gauge that person's being I don't even know like basically, if you want to keep relating to them, the way you do that is through small talk.
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: And this is the thing here where, hopefully I don't even know most people are picky.
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: I'll just say that it's a huge generalization.
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: But small talk helps you build up your judgment as well and figure out if the person you're talking to Is making any sense or you even want to keep talking to them.
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: So that's a low investment way, low key way to practice that and or practice your judgment when it comes to dealing with other people.
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: It's also some let's see.
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: It's a good Barometer To figure out if somebody has developed or mine For the capacity to handle those deeper conversations about like psychology, spirit, spirituality, metaphysical stuff, and and to see because some people yeah, this is very much a reason, specifically More for me, I should say, because I like having those conversations about psychology, I want to know why spiritual stuff, like why and you can kind of feel, feel out of person if they become confused or like just can't handle the conversation.
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: It's like, okay, well, I don't have to invest more energy in a deep conversation with this person because I know they're not ready for it, so we'll just stick to the small talk or I just, you know, do remove myself from the situation.
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: Very simple, so it's way to Gaze the interest without losing energy on the thing.
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: You want to get into a deep conversation with somebody and they're just not engaged, it's like that's the feels terrible, especially in my, in my experiences.
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: So Not a good thing to be talking about stuff with people that don't really care about what you're talking about.
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: Okay, let's see.
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: And then there's like to like, as far as my research is found, there's two big reasons, two main reasons to resort to small talk.
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: It's a.
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: It's a good way to calmly consider another point of view and to not take things personally so well.
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: I should say it's a good way to Gauge if somebody is able to do.
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: That is the way with small talk because, if you like, for my example with the sports ball, if you get into somebody that's very passionate about it and they get you know their emotions are all over the place it's like, hmm, this person can't control the motion in the small talk conversation.
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: How am I gonna have any kind of deep conversation with them?
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: So it's like, yeah, I'm gonna pump the brakes and do that.
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: And the other reason, main reason, is Most are not taught to use critical thinking and further analysis or ask deeper questions.
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: So From my experience, this is where I'm gonna get a little judgy.
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: If you don't ask deeper questions about certain things, that's gonna come out in small talk and it's like, okay, well, I'm kind of that's it.
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: So, yeah, I'm all about conserving energy.
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: As an ambervert, slash, introvert, being a social interaction, interactions drains me.
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: And if I'm dealing with people that can't even handle the small talk, it's like, okay, well, you've never asked why, you don't know any of this.
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: And yeah, very, very judgy on my part.
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: But yeah, I'm just not going to be in that situation anymore.
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: So this is why I think small talks helpful.
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: It's like I don't like small talk but like what are you?
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: How are you like Finding people to talk to.
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: Then how do you make friends without it?
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: Well, yeah, we need going to that, probably another topic right there how to make friends, that'd be a great topic.
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: Go through a very dramatic and emotional situation, that's way that.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: That'd be one way.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: But yeah, small talk in general is like how you do it.
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: So I don't even know how people would not be, couldn't do that in that case.
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: And then, finally, a lesser-known reason Allows you to scope out your approach to socialize and whether you'd benefit from going further.
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: So that kind of just it encapsulates everything I've been saying Low energy way to gauge interest and Whether you want to invest more time, resources, whatever, into that social interaction.
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: That's basically what small talk is.
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: So, yeah, I'm just gonna keep harping on that point.
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: You need small talk.
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: That's how you gauge interest in people.
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: Don't waste your energy In a social interaction when the other person doesn't care.
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: Why.
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: Why would you do that?
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: I don't understand.
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: Stop wasting your energy.
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: Don't go into an emotional tirade about something like people just don't care, which is another thing I probably could talk about too.
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: Like figure out whether people are interested in what you're talking about.
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: If they're, if they're looking at their phone while you're talking to them about something.
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: Let's like stop talking, don't why waste your time with that.
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: They don't care what you're talking about, move on from there.
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: And then my last note here is people who trash talk, small talk, usually suck at it.
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: It's evasive and it also shows a lack of maturity when they do that.
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: So people say I, who, like down, plays small talk, or don't want to do it, or say it's terrible, like it sucks, or whatever.
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: It's probably because they're very immature and they suck at it.
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: So Just watch out for those people too, like they've.
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: You don't have to be good Quote-unquote at it, but yeah, being able to do it that's at least a little bit shows that you're, shows a level of maturity that you're, you know, able to Relate to other people.
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: Hi, I'm, you know, I just yeah, this it's all the different things that have to do with like relationships, being empathic, being able to see somebody else's point of view, walk a mile than other person's shoes, being relatable in general, just a nice person.
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: All that comes out in the small talk, I believe.
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: So that's why I wanted to talk about that today in this episode, and we are almost out of time, so I'll just wrap up once again.
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: Small talk is a social skill.
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: I think it is needed.
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: You need to practice skills.
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: Practice.
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: You don't just develop the ability to randomly small talk out of nowhere.
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: It's not.
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: You know, spontaneous combustion is not a thing, neither is getting good at a skill, unless you, you know, very talented.
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: But even then I'm there's some.
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: They probably fucked up as well.
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: So there's that.
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: But for now that is it about my rant about small talk.
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: That my point.
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: It's needed.
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: Hope you enjoyed this episode.
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: Pillow fort sessions will come out Hopefully the first and third Thursdays of the month every month.
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it'll be, I guess, other time fillers sometimes, I don't know.
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: Foreshadowing a little bit, but yeah, that's in general.
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: For the pillow fort sessions around the kinky campfire sessions in general, the big group session episodes will be the second and fourth Thursdays of the month and hopefully you join us there, I don't.
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: So kinky, kinky, kinky campsters, campfire kinksters On Instagram, both with a K, please go on there, and then you can message and yada, yada, yaggity, shmaggity.
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: And that is all for today.
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: This is elacomy dome, aka the cuddle gigolo or HH Julius for the professional people out there, and I'll catch you next time.
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: Hello.