Latest / Bomb Life / Unfiltered: Breaking Free, Part 1 with Melissa & Jen |335

Transcript

Unfiltered: Breaking Free, Part 1 with Melissa & Jen |335 · Bomb Life

0:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Hey everyone, welcome to the bomb life podcast.
0:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Today we have my co-host back Jen.
0:08
[SPEAKER_01]: So glad to meet you back, happy to be here.
0:12
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm excited, I am so excited that it's such a lie to do this.
0:17
[SPEAKER_00]: I know, it's kind of like, what do you say?
0:18
[SPEAKER_00]: We're getting into some deep shit today, people.
0:21
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's like, yeah, we're happy to be here, but at the same time, not exactly.
0:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and right up front, I have to give the trigger warning because today we are going to be talking about physical abuse domestic violence police everything emotional abuse emotional abuse
0:46
[SPEAKER_01]: All of it.
0:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
0:48
[SPEAKER_01]: So that trigger warning has to come up front.
0:50
[SPEAKER_01]: I know some of you like to listen to these episodes in the car and the kids are listening.
0:56
[SPEAKER_01]: This is not one of those episodes.
0:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Unless you have a older child that you're alike, we should listen to this together.
1:04
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe that's the situation, but other than that, this is your trigger warning to listen to this on your own.
1:12
[SPEAKER_01]: share my story.
1:14
[SPEAKER_01]: And I, I think I said this on our last episode together.
1:16
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't mean to date keep.
1:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Don't mean to be like, well, no, I have a history, but I don't want to share.
1:23
[SPEAKER_01]: I've never meant to like do that.
1:25
[SPEAKER_01]: I have, I've had to be ready to share and talk about my story.
1:32
[SPEAKER_01]: And Jen is here to kind of be the, the host of the show in a way today and like guide me through it.
1:42
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
1:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, and I know one day I'll be on stage sharing the story.
1:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, I haven't revisited this and like fully told my story.
1:54
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't think Jensen's in EMDR session.
1:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, no, no.
1:59
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just been bits and pieces, and working on healing and moving on with your life.
2:05
[SPEAKER_01]: And but like diving in, like we're going to and share all of it.
2:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I haven't done that, I think, since and good EMDR session.
2:15
[SPEAKER_01]: I have worked through it.
2:16
[SPEAKER_01]: I've worked through a therapist.
2:18
[SPEAKER_01]: I have grown and learned through learned so much.
2:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And the number one reason why I'm talking and sharing this today is because
2:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And I told my kids last night.
2:30
[SPEAKER_01]: I told them that you guys, I'm going to talk publicly about this.
2:33
[SPEAKER_01]: And the first thing out of their mouth is like, why, you know, which I got, you know, that they're yeah, and they're like, why?
2:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Why the hell would you want to talk about that again?
2:41
[SPEAKER_01]: And I told them, like, you guys, listen, what happened in this situation right now?
2:47
[SPEAKER_01]: It's kind of like, it's just a bad shitty thing that happened to me.
2:51
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't want it to be just a bad shitty thing like I want it to serve a purpose and to help others and if I can just help one person see morning signs to get out not return because what is it Jen like women who suffer from domestic violence they return like.
3:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Seven times or something like that before they get out.
3:11
[SPEAKER_00]: It's so much.
3:12
[SPEAKER_00]: It's so much.
3:13
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, and I feel like too.
3:16
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not just, it's, it's healing to tell your story.
3:21
[SPEAKER_00]: You know,
3:22
[SPEAKER_00]: I've had opportunities to tell mine, and it is healing, and it also lets people recognize that, okay, this person isn't just this person that we see on social media, she has these things that happen in her life and these, you know, hard times that she's gotten through, and and I also feel like
3:46
[SPEAKER_00]: It's the way that you handled this and pick yourself up from this is encouraging to other people that it can be done, that you can go through a terrible thing.
4:06
[SPEAKER_00]: recover from that and let it strengthen you not necessarily define you or because it could.
4:15
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
4:15
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
4:16
[SPEAKER_00]: It was really good.
4:18
[SPEAKER_00]: And instead it's you just you took it by the reins and we're like I'm going to have this be a positive thing in my life and you knew this story was important to to be able to share.
4:30
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
4:31
[SPEAKER_01]: I remember talking to you about it and just being like, you know, and my friend, my manager was there for me, like literally there like holding me while I was like crying and I'm like, how did this happen?
4:47
[SPEAKER_01]: How did this happen?
4:48
[SPEAKER_01]: I am a smart, educated, well-rounded woman.
4:53
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not some white trash, you know, like, yeah, no offense to white trash, but I was just like, I love white trash.
5:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, you know, I love you too.
5:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I was like, fuck, if this happens to me,
5:10
[SPEAKER_01]: It's happening to other women and it's going to keep happening if we're not talking about it and we just stay quiet about it.
5:15
[SPEAKER_01]: We're not helping anyone and again, it's
5:19
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not, it's not going to help anyone and my kids know and my kids, they fully know what happened.
5:27
[SPEAKER_01]: One of them was actually involved in the situation and they all got it.
5:32
[SPEAKER_01]: They all got that this is part of my story, my journey, and then it needs to come out and talk about the mom guilt too, knowing that like my kids were exposed to that, like what the fuck Melissa?
5:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
5:45
[SPEAKER_01]: That part's hard, but I didn't know.
5:47
[SPEAKER_00]: So, well, and I mean, you were even worried about me.
5:50
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, because of my history, when you were sending me things and all this was going on, you were actually apologizing to me.
5:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I'm so sorry if this is triggering you and it's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, do not apologize, you know, for what you went through and forgot, for what you're filling in it.
6:07
[SPEAKER_00]: And I feel like,
6:08
[SPEAKER_00]: that that's a huge thing, unfortunately, for a lot of, I think it's, well, probably men and women, honestly, that we don't share because this world is so fucked up and it's so hard and everybody's going through something.
6:24
[SPEAKER_00]: And I feel like we always have this little bit in the back of our minds of like,
6:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, Jen's already going through this or Melissa's already going through that, and I don't want to put more weight on their plate and tell them what's going on in my life, and so then we end up caring.
6:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so much shit alone.
6:41
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm telling you, like, you guys don't do that, your friends love you and they care about you, and and I would have done anything to have been there with Melissa physically, you know, I'm in Utah, she's in California, and it just.
6:57
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, but I, I was there for her, I mean, on the on the phone, like, constantly and and text and people will be there for you even if they're going through their own shit.
7:09
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like don't keep this stuff inside it is not healthy.
7:12
[SPEAKER_00]: No, I wouldn't have made it.
7:15
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know if I would have made it or come out to where I did without the people and like the tribe that like stood up for me, like I don't know the guy would.
7:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
7:29
[SPEAKER_01]: I had a previous relationship.
7:31
[SPEAKER_01]: So that's where we're just going to leave it.
7:33
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not going to put a timeline to it.
7:35
[SPEAKER_01]: But I was in a relationship and we met on a dating app.
7:54
[SPEAKER_01]: He had been kicked off other dating apps, like the big ones I can't remember the names now.
7:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Bumble, Tinder, Tinder, Hinge, Hinge.
8:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, because when you met him, yeah.
8:05
[SPEAKER_00]: So you were in a relationship that ended and then you got on the dating apps.
8:09
[SPEAKER_00]: You've been talking to people for a while, though.
8:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I mean, it had been a couple months, right?
8:13
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, before this guy came along.
8:15
[SPEAKER_01]: You'd been going on a previous relationship?
8:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah.
8:18
[SPEAKER_00]: So here you'd been,
8:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, yeah, so you'd been going on like coffee dates and different things and all that kind of stuff.
8:25
[SPEAKER_00]: So this, it wasn't like this guy was a rebound or the first dude or anything like that that you liked or interested in because sometimes that does happen, right?
8:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Like we fall into those.
8:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, really quick kind of rebound relationships and then we're like so vulnerable that
8:46
[SPEAKER_00]: We don't see the red flags as much or anything.
8:48
[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, so he wasn't like the first dude up the gate.
8:52
[SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, so you know, I'm on dating side that I had never even heard of.
8:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it was a different one.
8:57
[SPEAKER_01]: And you guys, I'm sharing this because like pay attention to these little things.
9:01
[SPEAKER_01]: I should have just, I should have known.
9:03
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, I don't think you ever even told me that dude.
9:06
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, he's really, maybe you did.
9:08
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know.
9:09
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, getting kicked off of seeing abs.
9:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Not a good thing.
9:14
[SPEAKER_01]: You want something.
9:15
[SPEAKER_01]: You want to know his story, which I kind of remember it's kind of foggy right now But it was because his friends or someone had gotten on his phone and Did something and that's what got him kicked off.
9:27
[SPEAKER_01]: He's like it wasn't me my friends You know, their jackass is and they did this or whatever Right, that's bullshit.
9:34
[SPEAKER_01]: That's bullshit right.
9:35
[SPEAKER_01]: I heard of this other dating app.
9:37
[SPEAKER_01]: I heard it on other podcast
9:40
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think it was an advertisement or maybe the host was talking about it and it was for people that are serious like we're not here to fuck around and meet up and hook up like no we're really looking for a partner.
9:49
[SPEAKER_01]: So if you're not serious don't get on this one.
9:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Right, and that's what it was and I was like that.
9:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, that that's what I'm looking for.
9:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and.
9:59
[SPEAKER_01]: He sounded educated.
10:01
[SPEAKER_01]: He was smart.
10:02
[SPEAKER_01]: We talked for a few times.
10:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I followed like all the rules.
10:05
[SPEAKER_01]: We faced time first.
10:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Good job.
10:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Yep.
10:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Face time first.
10:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Make sure it was really him super attractive.
10:12
[SPEAKER_01]: We don't want to come in like all the things and then like I think a week later.
10:17
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe we were talking about two weeks and a week later like we met in person.
10:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And we met at a location.
10:22
[SPEAKER_01]: He didn't come pick me up.
10:23
[SPEAKER_01]: He didn't know where I lived.
10:25
[SPEAKER_01]: I drove halfway.
10:26
[SPEAKER_01]: He drove halfway.
10:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And we met somewhere.
10:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And then he wanted me to get another the next night.
10:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yeah.
10:35
[SPEAKER_01]: So it might have unlike two or three nights in a row that we met up.
10:40
[SPEAKER_00]: We just had dinner.
10:41
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't have sex with them.
10:42
[SPEAKER_01]: Like I didn't we didn't write up or anything, but it was dinner and good conversation and we both we were on the same schedule with our kids.
10:51
[SPEAKER_01]: So it was like that three day I'm like fuck, I don't know kids.
10:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Like why not?
10:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Like okay.
10:57
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, and I was ready.
10:58
[SPEAKER_01]: I was ready to be back out and dating people like I had taken a year off.
11:02
[SPEAKER_01]: So yeah, it was it was great relationship was good.
11:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, we introduced the kids pretty fast because when you have kids in your dating, you know,
11:14
[SPEAKER_01]: your world is so much your kids.
11:15
[SPEAKER_01]: It really is hard to see each other unless the kids are meeting too.
11:20
[SPEAKER_01]: I wouldn't recommend it, but we did it.
11:22
[SPEAKER_01]: And we were like, well, if we want to see each other, they're going to have to meet whatever.
11:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
11:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Didn't you guys have like, it was like a party or something.
11:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, my daughter's yeah, party graduation party and he came to with his kids.
11:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
11:35
[SPEAKER_01]: That's everyone.
11:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Everyone got along great.
11:37
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, our kids.
11:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
11:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like,
11:43
[SPEAKER_01]: No, my youngest didn't like him from the first day she met him because, and I didn't know this until a little bit later, he yelled at her to pick up her towel outside by the pool.
11:55
[SPEAKER_01]: First time meeting, yeah, and she didn't yell at her, but he was like, hey, you need it like pick up your towel or something.
12:01
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, what the fuck?
12:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I would never say that to someone else as kid.
12:04
[SPEAKER_00]: I just met or any other person's kid really like, you know, and a party environment or whatever.
12:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I know the cake you know,
12:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Hey, can you pick up that towel on hand at me or like no, it was very abrasive and she was like, the fuck like you're yeah, why it so that you looking back you can see little things and we had just remember when you have your gut instinct in men everyone does, but we have that gut instinct and I just ignored it.
12:32
[SPEAKER_01]: And as we keep going within like the next few weeks or whatever, we booked a trip to Mexico.
12:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, yeah.
12:42
[SPEAKER_01]: I remember that.
12:43
[SPEAKER_01]: I was like super good at trip right away.
12:46
[SPEAKER_01]: I got that might even abandon before the kids met.
12:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, so I think it was.
12:51
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it actually was before they met.
12:53
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, because that was when you just kind of went, gungho deep end, whatever.
12:59
[SPEAKER_00]: I remember you're like, I am in Mexico.
13:02
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.
13:04
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, it wasn't really a planned thing though remember that it wasn't like it wasn't like you guys sat down and said hey, let's go to Mexico.
13:13
[SPEAKER_00]: That would be fun.
13:14
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't have my kids.
13:15
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have your kids.
13:16
[SPEAKER_00]: It was planned changed.
13:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, where you were supposed to be going and all that stuff kind of like happened.
13:23
[SPEAKER_00]: And then he was like, let's go to Mexico.
13:26
[SPEAKER_00]: So it wasn't.
13:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, you were, it was not a planned trip.
13:30
[SPEAKER_00]: No, like it wasn't.
13:32
[SPEAKER_00]: And as I remember thinking that was the craziest love bombingist red fucking flag I'd ever seen or heard of.
13:44
[SPEAKER_00]: But I was like, like, I remember telling my oldest son, just being like, Melissa met this guy and I'm like really freaked out.
13:50
[SPEAKER_00]: She's in, she's a fucking Mexico.
13:53
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, she doesn't even hardly know this guy and she's in Mexico with him.
13:57
[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't even know what's going on.
13:59
[SPEAKER_00]: And, and...
14:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Dude, that's like, he's love bombing her, like, who does that?
14:05
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I remember saying that, but I didn't say to you because I was happy for you.
14:11
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
14:11
[SPEAKER_01]: And yeah, sure that there's people that meet and we like travel together right away.
14:16
[SPEAKER_01]: And it was greatly but Mary 10 years.
14:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I'm sure that happened.
14:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
14:19
[SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, totally.
14:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Because obviously, your guys' chemistry was great, right?
14:23
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
14:24
[SPEAKER_00]: You wouldn't go to Mexico with this guy.
14:26
[SPEAKER_00]: There wasn't any
14:28
[SPEAKER_00]: alarm bells sounding at that.
14:30
[SPEAKER_01]: No.
14:31
[SPEAKER_01]: And the other thing too that I think it's important to identify was like, I kept thinking, not kept thinking, but he was showing you signs like, oh, he's nothing like my ex.
14:42
[SPEAKER_01]: That's really good.
14:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Like we use that as the standard of like, oh, he's not him.
14:46
[SPEAKER_01]: So he's great.
14:47
[SPEAKER_01]: And just because one isn't someone else doesn't make him good.
14:50
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, just because they don't have those sets of red flags.
14:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
14:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Doesn't mean that they don't have their own set of red flags.
14:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, I learned that absolutely the hard way.
15:00
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, from my accent, we're not going to dive into that.
15:02
[SPEAKER_01]: But like, no, I was like spending all the money in the breadwinner.
15:06
[SPEAKER_01]: And here now this guy was like spending money on me.
15:09
[SPEAKER_01]: What do you mean?
15:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I don't have to pay.
15:11
[SPEAKER_00]: You're like, what you're going to book tickets and we're going to go to Mexico and we're going to be together and you're going to pay for my food and everything like what he kind of rescued you in that moment though that's the thing and not to get into the detail of the moment, but things change Melissa had a plan things change they fell through and
15:33
[SPEAKER_00]: She was at the airport because the flight didn't the flight even get completely canceled or delayed or something like that.
15:39
[SPEAKER_00]: You were trying to figure out if you're still going where you were going.
15:43
[SPEAKER_00]: And this guy swept in like Prince fucking charming on a goddamn horse and said,
15:49
[SPEAKER_00]: He didn't just say, Melissa, I'll come and pick you up from the airport and take you home.
15:55
[SPEAKER_00]: It was Melissa, I'm going to come pick you up from the airport and then I'm going to take you back to my place and we're going to plan a fucking trip to Mexico.
16:03
[SPEAKER_00]: And what woman doesn't want that?
16:04
[SPEAKER_00]: What woman doesn't want to feel saved, quote unquote, what woman doesn't want this guy to
16:18
[SPEAKER_00]: but that's what he did, but you didn't see that.
16:21
[SPEAKER_00]: You were so just star-eyed, heart-eyed at this person, this attractive person who seemingly had all of his shit together, and was like, oh yeah, let's go to Mexico.
16:34
[SPEAKER_00]: You were like, fuck it, I was supposed to be out of town anyways, let's go to Mexico, like, yeah, yeah, oh yeah, I can't say that I wouldn't have done the same thing.
16:48
[SPEAKER_00]: would probably have said no to that, right?
16:52
[SPEAKER_00]: But it was a red flag looking back.
16:56
[SPEAKER_01]: It was, now that I can gather data and information, it was that I missed it.
17:01
[SPEAKER_01]: So take that part of it as you will, but yeah, after that, it was good.
17:07
[SPEAKER_01]: I can't say that things weren't bad in the beginning.
17:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And throughout the relationship,
17:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Looking back though, I realized as everything kept going on, I became increasingly responsible for his emotions in a way of like he did have a temper and he would yell and I was like, oh, like, yeah, little temper tantrums I remember yelling me about those kinds of things it was like he was a little boy.
17:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that you kind of had to not mother, but calm down to he didn't know how to regulate himself right zero emotional regulation well I'm Melissa Voga.
17:52
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like I can make this better and let's identify this and let's calm down and like hey, let's not get a
17:57
[SPEAKER_01]: And I started doing that even more and more with like when the kids were around his kids and stuff mostly he was different when my kids are around I do give him that but that when his kids around like it was game on and I just remember being like hey, like I would always stop and interject and like let's not make this do a bigger thing okay, let's take a breath like hold on.
18:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Like he's a child.
18:17
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, that was a one sign and I'm going to say this.
18:21
[SPEAKER_01]: no woman ever deserves to be yelled at ever and because of this relationship, it is a standard and it's so sad that I even have to say this, or I just set the standard for myself, no woman ever deserves to get yelled at like screamed at.
18:36
[SPEAKER_01]: And no man will ever scream or yell at me again ever.
18:41
[SPEAKER_01]: That is a deal breaker game over.
18:43
[SPEAKER_01]: We're done.
18:44
[SPEAKER_00]: No, that is a band that's showing you he cannot control himself, right?
18:49
[SPEAKER_00]: How he's filling what he's thinking, he can't have a conversation, he cannot control his emotions regulate, right?
18:57
[SPEAKER_00]: So when was when did that start happening?
19:01
[SPEAKER_01]: How far into the relationship would you say that that started happening, though, where he really started showing those true colors a good six months, because that's actually quite a long time it is, but we don't we did live further away from each other like a good 45 minutes, but we're together, you know, whenever we could, but it wasn't like he was in my town.
19:21
[SPEAKER_01]: and we were there like every night together or whatever, but that probably played a role in it.
19:25
[SPEAKER_01]: It was like every other weekend thing and then talking in between.
19:28
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
19:29
[SPEAKER_01]: So yeah, because you could hide for a long time.
19:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, you can.
19:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely.
19:37
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't, and I'm going to ask you this because I
19:45
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that it's important for people to know those signs, but in asking these signs, I don't want to be victim blaming you at all.
19:53
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, by saying, Melissa, why didn't you listen to the red flags?
19:57
[SPEAKER_00]: You should have left because that is what so many fucking people do.
19:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Like right now in society, men,
20:03
[SPEAKER_00]: in general are blaming women for being in abusive fuck up relationships and saying, Melissa, why didn't you choose better?
20:12
[SPEAKER_00]: You should have left?
20:13
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's, you should have, right, right.
20:16
[SPEAKER_00]: So in no way am I victim blaming by bringing this back to to this and asking you this, but I think it's important to reflect and say, you know, why didn't I leave?
20:30
[SPEAKER_00]: what was I seeing that maybe, you know, I was ignoring before that six months before the yelling like seriously was everything truly like perfect for six months or yeah, so and then when you did start seeing those red flags.
20:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Why did you choose to ignore those red flags?
20:55
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, why did you allow this person at that time?
20:57
[SPEAKER_00]: You say you won't do it now.
21:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Why did Melissa back then except that behavior?
21:04
[SPEAKER_00]: Why wasn't that a point of ending that relationship at that point when he's doing that?
21:17
[SPEAKER_01]: It was always like, well, at least he's not doing this, right?
21:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Like he's yelling, but he's not screaming, or he's doing this, but he's not hitting me or being physical, not throwing shit.
21:28
[SPEAKER_00]: It was always but at least, and then the other parts were.
21:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I'm either reason, like maybe I'm the one that just keeps setting them off, like I remember texting my brother and my sister in law and literally being like, I think this is just what I do.
21:43
[SPEAKER_01]: I think I just upset men.
21:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, is this me?
21:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, so I thought like, well, I'm not why would I get out when I'm probably the reason.
21:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you're the problem.
21:53
[SPEAKER_00]: You're pissing him off.
21:55
[SPEAKER_00]: And what was he yelling about what's an example of something that he would scream about like that that he was yelling and yelling at you like can you think of a time.
22:05
[SPEAKER_01]: If it was it was always something about like the kids but it with me it wasn't yelling it was more like I would ask a simple question or.
22:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, one of our biggest fights that turned into something, the question that turned into like one of our biggest fights was, do you have time for me?
22:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you have enough time for me?
22:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And I literally asked that in like a very genuine soft.
22:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Now like, well, mother fucker, do you and have time for me?
22:34
[SPEAKER_01]: It was really like, no, seriously, do I fit in your life?
22:37
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, do you have time?
22:39
[SPEAKER_01]: And it turned in you would have thought, I told him I like murdered someone and close to him and like it turned into like, well, what do you mean?
22:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, maybe I don't have time.
22:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Why are you asking that?
22:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, maybe you are, um, this is projecting like maybe you don't have time for me and you're projecting it on to me and then I'm like, and then before I know what my heads on backwards and I don't know which ways up and I'm like,
23:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Why did I even ask him that question?
23:03
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm just like, I think I just need reassurance.
23:06
[SPEAKER_00]: I know at that time, I was so like, I just need obviously there was something going on there for you for you to ask him that and then his response.
23:13
[SPEAKER_00]: Like why it's so crazy, that's like his response.
23:17
[SPEAKER_01]: It turned into like a two week fight.
23:19
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's literally what like with the match, honestly.
23:22
[SPEAKER_01]: And he, again, when you don't have the emotional capacity to just hold a woman and just be like, okay, why is she asking you this?
23:30
[SPEAKER_01]: He would have asked me this.
23:31
[SPEAKER_01]: I would have been like, of course.
23:33
[SPEAKER_01]: I know I'm busy, but why are you filling that way.
23:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, what can I do?
23:37
[SPEAKER_01]: Wait, like, oh my god.
23:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm so sorry.
23:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, how can I like make you not feel that way?
23:41
[SPEAKER_01]: That it was not the response that I got.
23:45
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I'm like, I'm fuck you.
23:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Why don't you even ask that?
23:48
[SPEAKER_00]: But, and then the stage, but yeah, but then that's such a stage for you to not have a conversation with him.
23:57
[SPEAKER_00]: Then it's like, now I'm in this relationship with this person that I'm afraid to ask a question or to tell them how I'm feeling and how things they're doing are making
24:15
[SPEAKER_00]: you went, little girl Melissa, and it was just shut the fuck up, your feelings don't matter.
24:23
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't talk about it.
24:24
[SPEAKER_00]: And then so he started closing off pieces of view at that point.
24:29
[SPEAKER_01]: So he had a vehicle, and he's like, I want to get the newer vehicle.
24:34
[SPEAKER_01]: I've always wanted to.
24:35
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, oh, yeah, okay, sure, like go for it, you know, and then he's like, well,
24:41
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, your car's a piece of shit and my car was not a piece of shit.
24:44
[SPEAKER_01]: And he's like, I just want you to be safe.
24:46
[SPEAKER_01]: He's like, why don't you buy this car and then I'll get the newer car and then you can sell that car, you know, that you're currently have.
24:54
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, I don't know about that.
24:56
[SPEAKER_01]: And then he kind of talks me into it because it was a better car was a totally not great.
25:00
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, well, I want to make sure that you get.
25:04
[SPEAKER_01]: the money for it.
25:05
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, like, I don't want to take a car.
25:08
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to like take your car to give in anything.
25:10
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't believe in any of that.
25:12
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, what would you sell it to your mom for?
25:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Or like, what would you sell it to your sister for?
25:16
[SPEAKER_01]: What is like blue book value?
25:17
[SPEAKER_01]: And he did start calling around.
25:18
[SPEAKER_01]: And I did get to hear the cost and what it was worth.
25:23
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's what I ended up paying him.
25:25
[SPEAKER_01]: So I did buy his car.
25:26
[SPEAKER_01]: I sold mine.
25:27
[SPEAKER_01]: I got a great price for it.
25:29
[SPEAKER_01]: I took that money.
25:32
[SPEAKER_01]: and gave it to him gave it to him and purchased the car.
25:38
[SPEAKER_01]: And he's like, why did you sell your car?
25:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, totally sold your car.
25:43
[SPEAKER_00]: And then that check, like, didn't you sign it over to him?
25:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, while you were out the dealership, and he was buying the new car.
25:50
[SPEAKER_01]: No, I cashed it.
25:51
[SPEAKER_01]: I cashed.
25:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I'm cash.
25:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
25:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Big mistake.
25:55
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that's right.
25:56
[SPEAKER_01]: I remember there was some kind of loophole in there that I was like and but I had to withdraw other money so there was proof of that or whatever.
26:04
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you guys can probably only imagine where this is going and I got the title and I was like
26:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And I remember saying to him, I can't be some stupid woman that just has a car from a man that's not in my name, not on my own car.
26:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And he's like, what do you mean?
26:22
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, no, I need the title.
26:24
[SPEAKER_01]: We need to do this right.
26:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I need my car to be my car.
26:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
26:28
[SPEAKER_01]: So you gave him the title, filed it away, awesome.
26:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And then he's like, you know what, if this makes you feel better, and this is key to the story too, if this makes you feel better, he had an old truck, I don't know what kind.
26:38
[SPEAKER_01]: That's kind of like a beater truck, but it worked great.
26:40
[SPEAKER_01]: It was a great truck, and he had had it forever.
26:43
[SPEAKER_01]: And he's like, you have a kid that's going to be needing a car soon.
26:46
[SPEAKER_01]: He's like, I'll give you that truck too.
26:49
[SPEAKER_01]: I'll put let's put that truck in your name in the title and we'll register it.
26:54
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I'm like, well, I'll just pay you the money for the insurance every month.
26:57
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, great because it will be in his insurance still and get that deal.
27:02
[SPEAKER_01]: The car has to be in his name to ensure it.
27:06
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so I'm like, I remember all the fucked upness of this and so it was all it was all so entangled like everything was so fucking entangled and and in that moment you didn't really think anything like this is this is not a good idea to get forever.
27:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I need the card, my name.
27:29
[SPEAKER_00]: The truck doesn't matter.
27:30
[SPEAKER_00]: I need the insurance and my name.
27:32
[SPEAKER_00]: You were fine with this combingling of finances.
27:36
[SPEAKER_00]: We were going to be together forever.
27:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
27:39
[SPEAKER_01]: What do you mean?
27:40
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, he would never hurt me or do anything wrong.
27:45
[SPEAKER_01]: ever.
27:45
[SPEAKER_00]: This man loves me.
27:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
27:48
[SPEAKER_00]: So we did the whole truck.
27:50
[SPEAKER_00]: So for you, none of this was a red flag out that time.
27:53
[SPEAKER_01]: No, not really trusted him and believed it.
27:55
[SPEAKER_01]: And I had title.
27:56
[SPEAKER_01]: He gave it to me, signed it over, put it in my drawer, filed it away.
28:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Great.
28:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Yay.
28:01
[SPEAKER_01]: And then, you know, my, my daughter did use it, you know, to learn how to drive on everything was great and then it was like that's when things just that point in the relationship and beyond like now you're really together it was just becoming more intense things that I said set him off more there was more yelling there was a trip to another country that he came with me on with my daughter.
28:26
[SPEAKER_01]: And on that trip, he yelled at her, like Jen legit yelled at my child.
28:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, no one fucking yells at my kid.
28:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and you guys, why she's telling this part of it, I want you to know that at this point, Melissa was not speaking these stories as they were happening.
28:48
[SPEAKER_00]: Melissa started kind of retreating.
28:52
[SPEAKER_00]: This story, I remember you like all these things came out about him after and then you started being like, he did this.
29:02
[SPEAKER_00]: He did this.
29:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Why did you stop talking to people about what was going on?
29:06
[SPEAKER_00]: Why weren't you like, oh my god, Jen, Bable just did this or oh my god, Jen, I'm in another country.
29:13
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, he just did this.
29:18
[SPEAKER_01]: I do know.
29:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Looking back, I'm a firm believer that a relationship between a woman and man should stay between them.
29:27
[SPEAKER_01]: You shouldn't take your problems to other people and spue your business.
29:31
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's true.
29:33
[SPEAKER_01]: That's two a degree.
29:34
[SPEAKER_01]: And that has a lot to do with my childhood, too.
29:36
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm bringing up in what I witnessed in what was shared about my parents' relationship and that people hated the other person.
29:42
[SPEAKER_01]: And it was just like, fucking messy.
29:43
[SPEAKER_01]: I never want that.
29:44
[SPEAKER_01]: So that played a role in it.
29:46
[SPEAKER_01]: But then also, too, I was like,
29:49
[SPEAKER_01]: to think bad of them, like maybe this is just me.
29:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe I'm like being sensitive about it or a bitch and like I don't want anyone else to think bad of him.
29:59
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't want anybody else to not like him because it's not like.
30:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so you started protecting him.
30:04
[SPEAKER_01]: It was protecting and that is protecting yourself.
30:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, women like yeah.
30:08
[SPEAKER_01]: No, no, no, no.
30:09
[SPEAKER_01]: If there isn't something if there's something going on that you wouldn't just openly share with everyone, honestly,
30:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Instead of, yeah, that's a huge word flag.
30:19
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're not telling people and you're embarrassed to share, or you're worried they're going to judge this person and not like them, that right there tells you that what they're doing is wrong.
30:31
[SPEAKER_01]: It will end badly for you.
30:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
30:34
[SPEAKER_01]: It will end badly.
30:35
[SPEAKER_01]: The what you are trying to hide and not talk about it.
30:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I was embarrassed.
30:39
[SPEAKER_01]: I was fucking embarrassed too.
30:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I don't want to.
30:42
[SPEAKER_00]: But you knew that Jen, if you had told me that you knew that what what I have said to you Melissa, if you would have Yeah, you would have been like fuck that guy like what get out like what are you even doing?
30:53
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, like Melissa, you need to go.
30:54
[SPEAKER_01]: You need to go to bed like you believe, but you don't but Jen doesn't know the whole story and she doesn't know him.
31:01
[SPEAKER_00]: there were things that I saw and I didn't want to say things to you and you weren't even telling me these stories and I was seeing the things.
31:07
[SPEAKER_00]: But I didn't want to say them to you because I have seen women, they'll alienate themselves even further from their friends because then it was going to be I become the problem.
31:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Jen's the asshole because she doesn't like bagel because she thinks I should leave him.
31:23
[SPEAKER_00]: She thinks, you know, fuck her.
31:25
[SPEAKER_00]: I would have been the fuck her person.
31:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Yep.
31:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Instead of you saying fuck him, it would have been fuck Jen for saying that.
31:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
31:31
[SPEAKER_00]: So as women, we tend to not speak up and we need to speak up.
31:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Yep, that's why I'm sharing this stupid motherfucking story.
31:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, we do, we need to speak up and talk about that and I just, I don't know.
31:48
[SPEAKER_00]: Even if you lose like a friendship over it, I feel like it would be a temporary thing.
31:53
[SPEAKER_01]: It would, you know, hopefully.
31:55
[SPEAKER_00]: But then at the same time, I also didn't want to jeopardize the friendship and then have like not be able to be there for you when shit hit the fucking fan.
32:06
[SPEAKER_00]: and right.
32:07
[SPEAKER_00]: So bringing it back to Puerto Rico.
32:09
[SPEAKER_00]: So he, that's where you were right.
32:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
32:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
32:12
[SPEAKER_01]: She was just being a teenager.
32:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, it wasn't like, and I'm on, I got on a good troll.
32:18
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, it's fine.
32:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Whatever.
32:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Calm down.
32:21
[SPEAKER_01]: You're the parent.
32:22
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, someone who is emotionally unable, unable to emotionally regulate themselves, that would set them off.
32:30
[SPEAKER_01]: Me and I'm like, it's
32:32
[SPEAKER_01]: We're gonna go slow everything works out like calm the fuck down.
32:35
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I'm literally really telling her that and then he screamed at her and then this is the child that does not take that so she wasn't like going, you know, she was like fighting back and we went to dinner.
32:46
[SPEAKER_01]: I was crying she was like yelling back.
32:48
[SPEAKER_01]: They were like, but heads and I'm like, where the fuck is the adult?
32:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Why are you not saying like, I am I am sorry.
32:53
[SPEAKER_01]: I should never have done that.
32:55
[SPEAKER_01]: There was none of that.
32:56
[SPEAKER_01]: That was a red flag.
32:58
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know, after that trip coming back, like things were never the same.
33:03
[SPEAKER_01]: And it just escalated.
33:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's when he started going into, too didn't he say, like, threatened to leave you there, too?
33:11
[SPEAKER_01]: We did.
33:11
[SPEAKER_01]: He packed up all the stuff.
33:12
[SPEAKER_01]: We came back to hotel, everything was gone.
33:14
[SPEAKER_01]: He had the rental car.
33:15
[SPEAKER_01]: The rental car was in his name.
33:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so he's like, maybe you and another country we couldn't go get groceries.
33:22
[SPEAKER_01]: We had no way to get to the airport, go back to the things that, you know, we were there to do.
33:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
33:27
[SPEAKER_01]: So, but don't worry, he didn't leave and I don't think he had any intention of getting a flight home.
33:33
[SPEAKER_01]: It was just a game, just a fucking mind game.
33:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
33:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
33:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Was he like sitting downstairs in the lobby or something?
33:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, the whole time.
33:40
[SPEAKER_01]: And he expected me to come to him.
33:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
33:43
[SPEAKER_00]: That's exactly what he wanted.
33:45
[SPEAKER_00]: He wanted you to be like, oh, Melissa, you know, yeah, whatever you say.
33:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, people don't leave us.
33:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't leave.
33:52
[SPEAKER_00]: Please stay.
33:53
[SPEAKER_00]: Stay.
33:54
[SPEAKER_00]: And I wasn't doing that.
33:55
[SPEAKER_01]: I was not.
33:57
[SPEAKER_01]: No, and that was just making a more mad.
33:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you guys see the like the emotional immaturity?
34:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Like that's why we're telling these parts of the stories, because it's like a man needs to be a man.
34:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And when he's not this will lead to problems down the road.
34:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and him's, and do you think that if your daughter had been a boy, what would have happened there?
34:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I have three boys.
34:22
[SPEAKER_00]: You have three daughters.
34:24
[SPEAKER_00]: If it's a man would have talked to one of my sons like that, or me, my kids would have beat his, exactly.
34:32
[SPEAKER_01]: That's what I was going to say.
34:33
[SPEAKER_01]: It probably would have turned physical.
34:34
[SPEAKER_00]: It, yeah, and he would have, you know, so I mean, it's just,
34:39
[SPEAKER_00]: And I know the listeners are thinking this cause I listen, you know, like when I listen to the story, you told me this after the fact.
34:47
[SPEAKER_00]: But I want, because I think as you're saying it, you know, it's your story and it's different.
34:54
[SPEAKER_00]: You're just in a different position.
34:56
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't want people to look at this or look at you in a fucked up way because you guys, if you've never been emotionally abused,
35:07
[SPEAKER_00]: physically abused, loved, bombed, hoovered, triangulated, gaslighted, and I can say all the words, all the terms like you cannot put yourself in molasses shoes.
35:21
[SPEAKER_00]: You cannot, when you're looking at the outside and you're listening to this, it's so easy to say.
35:29
[SPEAKER_00]: I would never let anybody talk to my daughter like that.
35:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I would never let a man talk to my daughter like that.
35:35
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm fucking kick his ass.
35:37
[SPEAKER_00]: That would have been the end.
35:39
[SPEAKER_00]: I would have left him there.
35:41
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, everybody can always look back in judge and say some bullshit.
35:46
[SPEAKER_00]: And
35:48
[SPEAKER_00]: don't do that to her.
35:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't do that to any woman.
35:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't do that to any man.
35:53
[SPEAKER_00]: Because if you are not in those specific shoes, you do not realize the dismantling that fucking happens in somebody's brain.
36:02
[SPEAKER_00]: It's so hard.
36:04
[SPEAKER_00]: And she's being very, very, very brave and coming forward and telling these stories because it's so fucking hard.
36:10
[SPEAKER_00]: I can look back on my abusive relationship.
36:13
[SPEAKER_00]: I can look back on my cheater asshole relationship.
36:17
[SPEAKER_00]: I can look back on even when I was assaulted by a complete stranger and say, I should have done this different.
36:24
[SPEAKER_00]: I should have done this different.
36:25
[SPEAKER_00]: I should have done that different.
36:28
[SPEAKER_00]: But we can't do that to ourselves now.
36:31
[SPEAKER_00]: And we can't judge somebody in what they
36:37
[SPEAKER_00]: we're going through and in that moment or how they were feeling and say, I would have done this like right don't because yeah I my question is why the fuck didn't you though ended there at that moment why wasn't that
36:57
[SPEAKER_00]: the breaking point for you, and I know it was really, yeah, it was the breaking true and it couldn't end right there.
37:06
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, like, did you actually think after that that you could make this work or that this would be okay?
37:13
[SPEAKER_01]: No, not after that after that trip coming home, my whole thoughts were,
37:19
[SPEAKER_01]: In the trip, I was like, I just got to get through this, I just got to get through this.
37:22
[SPEAKER_01]: I just got to get through this.
37:24
[SPEAKER_01]: So you played the game.
37:25
[SPEAKER_00]: I just played the game back to the room.
37:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, play the game played nice played the game.
37:30
[SPEAKER_01]: I just got that.
37:31
[SPEAKER_01]: What abuse does to you.
37:34
[SPEAKER_00]: It's such you fucking down and you're this person that has to take their shit.
37:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
37:39
[SPEAKER_00]: And because you're scared.
37:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Where are you scared?
37:43
[SPEAKER_00]: For sure.
37:43
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't I all trust one of the window a flip was switched that day.
37:49
[SPEAKER_01]: And I was like, I just got to play the game.
37:52
[SPEAKER_01]: I got to get home, I got to get your daughter home.
37:56
[SPEAKER_01]: I got to get home safe.
37:57
[SPEAKER_01]: You need to get home safe.
37:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Yep.
37:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Did you ever apologize to her?
38:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe, maybe after hours of yelling and crying and screaming and like, maybe it came out.
38:09
[SPEAKER_00]: I, he did say, I think you said, I think you did say that you did, that he did have which I was like later that night or something, but she was like, but she didn't accept the apology.
38:20
[SPEAKER_00]: I remember that.
38:21
[SPEAKER_01]: She was like 48 hours to late body and like, yeah, you're only saying in her mind, I know it was like, you're only saying this because my mom or like, whatever, you
38:31
[SPEAKER_01]: to manipulate the situation.
38:33
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, like a true apology.
38:35
[SPEAKER_00]: It wasn't even think you did anything wrong.
38:37
[SPEAKER_01]: You fuck up like that.
38:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Sure.
38:39
[SPEAKER_01]: You can be like, no, no, but then pretty quickly after you should be like, you know what, this is so fucked up.
38:44
[SPEAKER_01]: I am so sorry.
38:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, that should have never happened.
38:46
[SPEAKER_01]: And that that didn't happen.
38:47
[SPEAKER_01]: So it was like a little too late, you know, but I got home and
38:53
[SPEAKER_01]: I just came back to my place and was just like, just over it, over it.
38:59
[SPEAKER_01]: And I don't, I didn't even mention the times before that trip, which I'm surprised we even went on the trip, but the tickets were already made.
39:05
[SPEAKER_01]: The hotel was booked, the cars were done, but there were fights and arguments where I would just sit there.
39:11
[SPEAKER_01]: I remember this one where I was sitting on my bed in like fetal position while he's standing at the foot of my bed just screaming at me.
39:18
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, at one point, I was just shaking and just agreeing, I'm like, you're right.
39:22
[SPEAKER_01]: No, you're right.
39:22
[SPEAKER_01]: Like you're totally right.
39:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Like what you're saying to me, you're, you're right.
39:26
[SPEAKER_01]: I do do this.
39:26
[SPEAKER_01]: I need to change it.
39:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And, and I don't know.
39:29
[SPEAKER_00]: It was just he was making himself the victim.
39:33
[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely.
39:34
[SPEAKER_01]: And use a 1,000% 1,000 person.
39:37
[SPEAKER_00]: It's called Darvo.
39:38
[SPEAKER_00]: I can't remember what that exactly stands for, but it's Darvo where they basically,
39:43
[SPEAKER_00]: are like putting it back on you and then there because exactly what happened.
39:48
[SPEAKER_00]: They're becoming the victim.
39:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I can't believe that I can't remember this right now, but maybe it's a good thing that I've forgotten this because that means that I don't have a Darcy's history here in my life.
39:57
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so Darvo is an acronym for psychological manipulation tactic.
40:02
[SPEAKER_00]: It's deny attack reverse.
40:07
[SPEAKER_00]: victim, a fender.
40:10
[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, he's not he's attacking.
40:13
[SPEAKER_00]: He's reversing the situation and he's reversing who's victim and a fender.
40:18
[SPEAKER_00]: And you actually believes that you're the bad fucking person.
40:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I was wrong.
40:22
[SPEAKER_00]: What it is from is it's.
40:25
[SPEAKER_00]: They get pissed off because it's your reaction to their behavior, right?
40:29
[SPEAKER_00]: You're the asshole because you're reacting to what they did to you.
40:34
[SPEAKER_00]: And then they somehow turn it around and flip it like it says.
40:37
[SPEAKER_00]: They deny, yep.
40:39
[SPEAKER_00]: They attack.
40:40
[SPEAKER_00]: They reverse victim and offender.
40:42
[SPEAKER_00]: So they just flip the whole goddamn thing around.
40:45
[SPEAKER_01]: That's exactly what he was doing to you.
40:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Exactly what happened.
40:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And yeah.
40:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, when we got back, that's when I just, I, I was like, I need space.
40:55
[SPEAKER_01]: I need time.
40:56
[SPEAKER_01]: I just, I really need to like gather my thoughts and that just set him off.
41:01
[SPEAKER_01]: And I told my said, I think you need help.
41:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I think you need to go and talk to someone and that set him off.
41:06
[SPEAKER_01]: But then he was like, yeah, you know what?
41:08
[SPEAKER_01]: I am going to get help.
41:09
[SPEAKER_01]: I am okay.
41:10
[SPEAKER_01]: Great.
41:11
[SPEAKER_01]: And right, because he had a lot of not to go into his shit.
41:14
[SPEAKER_00]: Because that's not right, but he had a lot of, um,
41:18
[SPEAKER_00]: history as a kid, right?
41:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Like unhilled dramas and histories from his childhood.
41:27
[SPEAKER_01]: We hold you.
41:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Why?
41:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Right now.
41:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, totally not making excuses, but he had a lot of things that somebody should have been having professional help.
41:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
41:38
[SPEAKER_00]: And he never had professional help, did he?
41:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Was he ever in therapy?
41:42
[SPEAKER_01]: I think maybe just what like couples therapy?
41:46
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, but he never had individual therapy.
41:50
[SPEAKER_00]: I just man went through and family life-changing traumas and never got himself help.
41:56
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
41:58
[SPEAKER_00]: And did you ever think that was a red flag?
42:02
[SPEAKER_01]: That he went through that.
42:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I'll do.
42:04
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, yeah.
42:04
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, if I won't leave my past, like, I'd like to say, you go to therapy.
42:10
[SPEAKER_01]: You do, I've done the work.
42:11
[SPEAKER_01]: I have definitely done the work.
42:14
[SPEAKER_00]: If we weren't therapy, we'd be out here doing really fucked up shit to people too, probably.
42:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Because my ex didn't believe in therapy, neither one of them.
42:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
42:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, buddy didn't therapy.
42:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
42:26
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's like, they think, oh, they're not the fucking problem.
42:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Then it just turned into this whole, like, I'm still in love with my ex thing.
42:33
[SPEAKER_01]: He hadn't talked to my ex and couldn't tell you how long.
42:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Where did that even come from?
42:39
[SPEAKER_01]: And what are we in like nine months into the relationship now set least have to talk to this guy since I don't know when he was convinced I was still talking to him like texting or whatever here's a real kicker so I had a procedure done on my back.
42:54
[SPEAKER_01]: And I forgot about that to be put under.
42:57
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I gave him my phone that right while I was under you guys.
43:02
[SPEAKER_01]: He went through my fucking phone, which I don't have anything in there to hide.
43:07
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, but he got pissed off the shit.
43:09
[SPEAKER_00]: We were saying he that's three shot it.
43:13
[SPEAKER_01]: our conversations.
43:14
[SPEAKER_01]: He went through my photos.
43:15
[SPEAKER_01]: He went through text and he saw screenshots that I saved of our conversation.
43:22
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't remember why.
43:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
43:24
[SPEAKER_01]: And there were screenshots of my conversations with my ex.
43:28
[SPEAKER_01]: And it was my, you were telling me, yes, I think I sent you and I screenshot it to go over in therapy because I was really proud of myself of how I responded to my acts.
43:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I was saying something like that ain't ever gonna happen, buddy, because he was like, oh, come see me or whatever, and I'm like, never gonna happen.
43:45
[SPEAKER_00]: I thought to myself, oh my god, this guy is not gonna like me.
43:48
[SPEAKER_00]: He's gonna tell her that we can't fucking be.
43:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Working together anymore.
43:52
[SPEAKER_00]: You're talking about like big cocks or big dick or you were saying and I was like I was talking about That's right.
44:01
[SPEAKER_00]: I was talking about fuckboy and then the guy and a couple guys that I was talking to and their dick pics That's right So it's like as a single woman like I can't talk to my friend just cuz she's in a relationship with somebody I was talking about the dick.
44:15
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like did you even read this body?
44:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it was me
44:20
[SPEAKER_00]: That's right.
44:21
[SPEAKER_00]: So I got Melissa in trouble.
44:23
[SPEAKER_00]: But what's the fuck?
44:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Why was this guy going through your fun guy?
44:27
[SPEAKER_00]: I forgot about that.
44:29
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm fucking surgery.
44:30
[SPEAKER_01]: I trusted you.
44:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh my god.
44:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so that was answering your question of like, where did the start?
44:38
[SPEAKER_01]: He saw those texts and he was trying to go back to the date.
44:41
[SPEAKER_01]: And he's like, you said you hadn't talked to him since then, but this text is dated that.
44:46
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, well, I wasn't talking to him.
44:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, he might have texted me that but that was before even knew you know you.
44:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh my god.
44:55
[SPEAKER_00]: I cannot believe it for God I know those are again those are red flags like not always, but it's like what are you doing?
45:02
[SPEAKER_00]: That's making you so paranoid about what she's doing like why because Melissa let's be real if this guy would have come to you and said
45:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Hey Melissa, I'm like really filling in to care about this whole thing with your ex.
45:16
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is why it's bothering me.
45:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Can I see your phone?
45:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Like can I just see your phone and look at this?
45:21
[SPEAKER_00]: You would have shown him your phone.
45:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
45:24
[SPEAKER_00]: He's a way though.
45:25
[SPEAKER_00]: It's still fucked up that he didn't trust you.
45:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
45:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, is he just making excuses in his head?
45:32
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, what the fuck is that even about?
45:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Because there was nothing.
45:35
[SPEAKER_00]: The guy didn't live in the same state anymore.
45:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I know.
45:38
[SPEAKER_01]: He was totally gone.
45:40
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, high-thaldeb Adam.
45:41
[SPEAKER_01]: He started going through my social media, like, fine-tooth comb.
45:46
[SPEAKER_01]: And he found, like, one or two videos in, like, a highlight real where he was in the background.
45:52
[SPEAKER_01]: And he's like, I knew it.
45:53
[SPEAKER_01]: And it just was going on and on and on.
45:55
[SPEAKER_01]: And I just told him, like, look.
45:57
[SPEAKER_01]: I we need we need a break right now.
46:00
[SPEAKER_01]: I need to figure this out and you need help.
46:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I had some of his things he didn't really have anything a mind, but at this point I was like, look.
46:13
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm just gonna, I'm just, I just need break.
46:16
[SPEAKER_01]: You can have your stuff.
46:16
[SPEAKER_01]: He's like, well, you need to bring your stuff.
46:18
[SPEAKER_01]: And I was in my bedroom at this point when one of one of these fights was happening.
46:22
[SPEAKER_01]: And I had on speakerphone.
46:22
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I always have it on speakerphone.
46:24
[SPEAKER_01]: And it was in the morning or something.
46:25
[SPEAKER_01]: And my kid woke up, walked down the hall.
46:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And he was screaming at me.
46:29
[SPEAKER_01]: He's like, you're just a fucking bitch.
46:31
[SPEAKER_01]: And she heard that and popped in my room.
46:33
[SPEAKER_01]: And I was like,
46:35
[SPEAKER_01]: And she's like, what is that?
46:36
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, and we're fucking done.
46:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Now my kid just heard you.
46:39
[SPEAKER_01]: And he's like, I don't fucking care.
46:40
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, look, this needs to be done.
46:43
[SPEAKER_01]: At that point, I had gone to go look at the title.
46:45
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, we just need to be done with this.
46:48
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to just bring you your truck.
46:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, let's be done.
46:51
[SPEAKER_01]: I pull the title.
46:52
[SPEAKER_01]: He never signed it.
46:54
[SPEAKER_00]: He never felt he signed it to the car.
46:57
[SPEAKER_00]: Hold me, he signed it.
46:59
[SPEAKER_00]: But never signed it, you never filed it.
47:02
[SPEAKER_00]: You never did anything.
47:03
[SPEAKER_00]: But you had the title to the truck that he signed.
47:06
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, that was in my name.
47:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, I don't know.
47:08
[SPEAKER_01]: The truck was all in my name.
47:09
[SPEAKER_01]: And at this point, Jen, I was like,
47:12
[SPEAKER_01]: What the fuck I'm done I was like I just I can't I I saw see I was the smart female I saw the signs I tried to get out I'm like I'm getting out because I know what's going to happen next now that you're talking to me like this you're treating me like this I have months of data collected that you yeah this is increasingly getting worse now you're saying this shit out loud you're calling me names like I saw the signs I was the smart woman I'm like I've done I'm getting out.
47:39
[SPEAKER_01]: And then this is where you started talking to me more and telling me yes and I was going on this is happening I need to I need to like get this back I need to figure this out and I told them like look.
47:54
[SPEAKER_01]: That car that title you never signed it and I have all the text proof of all of this like you you need to sign that going back and forth and I'm like look I'm just going to give you the fucking truck like I just take it back I'll sign it over to you I don't want it I just need you to sign the title I'll bring you your stuff.
48:10
[SPEAKER_01]: Like there were things that important things that I want to even mention that he had at my house and I was going to bring to them, I had the tax messages like fine and he's like, I just don't trust you to bring this to me and I'm like, dude, I will bring it to you one day I even brought it to the gym and I'm going to say what it is I brought it to the gym and I was like, do you want to meet here and he never responded so I had to stuff in my car and he's like he said yes, I'll meet you there and I'll sign the title my great I got the title I got your stuff.
48:39
[SPEAKER_01]: you can take the truck back like whatever I'll drop it off to you and he's like I don't trust you and I'm like yeah because I've done so much for you to not trust me.
48:45
[SPEAKER_00]: So when he kept like I want to pause this for a second because he kept when you were given him solutions.
48:55
[SPEAKER_00]: He kept pushing that out.
48:58
[SPEAKER_00]: You were trying to dissolve things.
49:00
[SPEAKER_00]: You were trying to remedy things.
49:02
[SPEAKER_00]: And he kept making excuses.
49:04
[SPEAKER_00]: And then, if I remember correctly, wasn't he supposed to come meet you at the gym and then he said something like something happened with his daughter or something.
49:14
[SPEAKER_00]: And the schedule changed.
49:16
[SPEAKER_00]: remember, and then that's where it became he wanted to do, and this is where it's red flag.
49:23
[SPEAKER_00]: He wanted you on his territory.
49:25
[SPEAKER_00]: He didn't want to meet you in a public place.
49:27
[SPEAKER_00]: He didn't want to meet you at the gym.
49:29
[SPEAKER_00]: But at this point, Melissa was so like focused.
49:33
[SPEAKER_00]: You didn't give shit about anything other than getting a fucking title signed, right?
49:38
[SPEAKER_01]: All right, everyone.
49:39
[SPEAKER_01]: So we're actually going to pause right here in the middle of the story.
49:45
[SPEAKER_01]: This episode is taking longer than we had anticipated, but there's a lot to it.
49:52
[SPEAKER_01]: And I know you had seen us in a weird video, and now it's just audio, and that is because this was unplanned.
49:59
[SPEAKER_01]: It truly was.
50:00
[SPEAKER_01]: So I had to come back on and record this and let you guys know we're going to pause here.
50:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And next week, you will be able to listen to part two.
50:11
[SPEAKER_01]: but right now in this part of the story, it's good for me to take a break and also it's already been a lot of information to kind of process and we know two our episodes are really hard to swallow or so it's a good time to break and just kind of sharing my story of when things really started to change and when I actually took action after everything that kind of happened this is where we're
50:38
[SPEAKER_01]: What kind of unfolded and I really appreciate your patience and just listening and taking it all in because it really is important to listen to the backstory and how we got to where we're at.
50:50
[SPEAKER_01]: and how I got to where I'm at in in the story and what happens next.
50:56
[SPEAKER_01]: I hope you guys all tune in next week to part two and the following week or episode when I'm on with Jen, we're going to unpack all this even more.
51:06
[SPEAKER_01]: What's funny is that after Jen and I recorded
51:09
[SPEAKER_01]: We got on the phone for another two hours.
51:11
[SPEAKER_01]: We both kind of had unpack this kind of, I don't know, unwind, decompressed from it all.
51:20
[SPEAKER_01]: The next half gets a little emotional.
51:22
[SPEAKER_01]: So just going to kind of warn you guys for that.
51:25
[SPEAKER_01]: But again, if I don't get out and share this, it just becomes something terrible in a bad story.
51:32
[SPEAKER_01]: And I want people to learn and grow and be able to see warning signs and know that you can create change.
51:39
[SPEAKER_01]: You can get out and you standing up for yourself.
51:43
[SPEAKER_01]: It matters.
51:43
[SPEAKER_01]: It makes a difference and it can prevent a lot of terrible things from happening.
51:48
[SPEAKER_01]: So again, I appreciate all of your patience.
51:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Thanks for listening this far, and when we unpack it, we want to hear your questions and your concerns.
51:58
[SPEAKER_01]: So as always, email the show.
51:59
[SPEAKER_01]: It's IDS Melissa Vogel.
52:01
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm ELISSA, V-O-G-E-L at gmail.com or send me a DM.
52:07
[SPEAKER_01]: It's Melissa Vogel, an Instagram Facebook.
52:09
[SPEAKER_01]: I'll get it, and I'm happy to answer your questions.
52:11
[SPEAKER_01]: All right, everyone.
52:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Until next time, stay safe, stay healthy, and we will see you for part two next.
52:19
[SPEAKER_01]: This finalized podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only, the content share here is not intended as medical, legal, or professional advice.
52:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Always consult with a qualified professional before making any health fitness financial or legal decisions.
52:30
[SPEAKER_01]: The opinions shared on this podcast are personal experiences and insights, so if you need expert guidance, go find the right professional for you.
52:37
[SPEAKER_01]: Thanks for listening.