Latest / Adult Child of Dysfunction / E 350: Tammys Takes #35: Why You Still Feel Invisible (Even as an Adult)

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E 350: Tammys Takes #35: Why You Still Feel Invisible (Even as an Adult) · Adult Child of Dysfunction

• 0:02
  Welcome back to Tammy Stakes, where we take powerful conversations with our guests and turn them into practical strategies you can use right here, right now.
• 0:09
  So if you haven't listened to my conversation with Chris Milson yesterday, host of the Mental Health Movement podcast, Voice for the Voiceless, stop this episode when we're finished and please go listen.
• 0:19
  Chris courageously shared his journey through childhood trauma, emotional neglect, learning healthy boundaries, and ultimately finding his voice after years of believing he didn't matter.
• 0:29
  But today, I actually wanna talk about something that stood out to me more than anything else.
• 0:33
  Chris kept coming back to one phase.
• 0:35
  He kept saying, "I felt invisible."
• 0:38
  And I didn't think he realizes just how many people heard that and whispered, "Whew, Me too.
• 0:42
  I feel invisible."
• 0:44
  That's what I've learned after years of coaching adult children of dysfunction.
• 0:47
  The greatest wound isn't always the yelling.
• 0:49
  It isn't always the abuse.
• 0:50
  Sometimes the deepest wound is simply never feeling seen.
• 0:54
  Maybe you were the child who never caused problems, the peacemaker, the helper.
• 0:59
  Maybe you were the oldest child who became the third parent.
• 1:02
  Maybe your parents were consumed by addiction.
• 1:04
  Maybe they were just emotionally unavailable.
• 1:07
  Maybe your siblings demanded all the attention.
• 1:09
  I think we heard that when Chris said that he was the oldest, and once his siblings were born, he just didn't matter.
• 1:15
  He was almost invisible, and it was validated by his grandfather.
• 1:18
  So truly, he wasn't the only one that saw it.
• 1:21
  And maybe no one intentionally ignored you, but no one truly noticed you either.
• 1:26
  So what you learned is, if nobody sees me, maybe I don't matter.
• 1:31
  That belief doesn't stay in childhood, my friends.
• 1:34
  It follows you everywhere.
• 1:36
  It shows up in ways most people never connect back to childhood.
• 1:40
  You apologize constantly.
• 1:41
  You over-explain yourself for everything.
• 1:43
  You stay quiet in meetings.
• 1:45
  You don't ask for what you need.
• 1:46
  You people please.
• 1:47
  You avoid conflict.
• 1:48
  You stay in unhealthy relationships far too long.
• 1:52
  At the end of the day, what you're really doing is shrinking yourself because somewhere deep inside, your nervous system still believes you cannot take up too much space.
• 2:01
  It is not safe.
• 2:03
  So here's the part that most people miss.
• 2:05
  There is an incompetence problem here.
• 2:07
  It's a nervous system problem because when a child grows up feeling unseen, the brain doesn't just create a belief.
• 2:13
  It creates a survival strategy.
• 2:15
  If I stay small, I'm safe.
• 2:17
  So these are the things you're saying to yourself.
• 2:19
  If you don't have needs or if I don't have needs, I won't be rejected.
• 2:23
  If I don't speak, I can't be criticized.
• 2:25
  And that survival strategy becomes your personality.
• 2:28
  Until one day, all of a sudden you wake up and you're forty, fifty, maybe even sixty years old and you're wondering, who am I?
• 2:35
  That's why affirmations alone often don't work.
• 2:38
  You can stand in front of a mirror all day long saying, "I matter, I'm worthy, I'm enough, I'm great, I'm beautiful, I'm joyous," whatever it is, but if your nervous system still believes you're unsafe being seen, your body
• 2:50
  will reject every word.
• 2:51
  That's why healing has to happen in both the mind and the body.
• 2:55
  So today I want to give you a simple exercise.
• 2:57
  I call it the visibility audit.
• 2:59
  For the next week, I want you to carry around a piece of paper with you, and notice every time you make yourself smaller.
• 3:06
  Ask yourself, where did I apologize when I didn't need to?
• 3:10
  Where did I stay silent even though I had something valuable to say?
• 3:13
  Where did I put everyone else's needs before my own?
• 3:16
  Where did I minimize my accomplishments?
• 3:18
  And where did I say it's okay when it really wasn't?
• 3:23
  Don't judge yourself.
• 3:24
  don't beat yourself up about this.
• 3:26
  Just notice, because awareness always comes before change.
• 3:30
  then I want you to practice one tiny act of visibility every day.
• 3:33
  Not something huge.
• 3:34
  Remember, I always teach baby steps.
• 3:37
  Maybe it's in expressing an opinion.
• 3:39
  Maybe it's asking for help.
• 3:40
  Maybe it's saying no.
• 3:41
  Maybe it's using my, one of my most favorite examples and ordering something different at a restaurant.
• 3:48
  Maybe it's sharing your story with one safe person.
• 3:51
  'Cause every single time you allow yourself to be seen, your nervous system gathers evidence that says, "I am safe.
• 3:57
  I survived this.
• 3:58
  I can do this again."
• 4:00
  And that's where healing happens.
• 4:02
  Not in one giant breakthrough, but in hundreds of tiny moments where your brain learns a new story One of my favorite moments from Chris's interview was when he talked about learning boundaries.
• 4:13
  He realized boundaries weren't about controlling other people.
• 4:15
  They were about protecting himself.
• 4:17
  That right there is a small example of what healing looks like, not becoming someone else, but becoming the version you were before survival convinced you to disappear.
• 4:27
  I want you to remember something today.
• 4:29
  You were never invisible.
• 4:31
  You were overlooked.
• 4:32
  There's a big difference.
• 4:34
  Invisible means you have no value.
• 4:36
  overlooked means the people around you didn't have the capacity to see your value, and that was not your fault.
• 4:42
  Those are two completely different things, and I hope you never confuse them again.
• 4:47
  so if today's episode resonated with you, I want to invite you to take the next step.
• 4:50
  Sometimes we can't see our own patterns because we lived them for so long.
• 4:54
  That's why I offer a complimentary clarity and calm call.
• 4:58
  Together, we'll identify the survival patterns that are still running your life and create a plan to help you move from surviving to truly living honestly.
• 5:05
  Or if you're just curious about how chronic stress and unresolved trauma may be showing up in your body, I offer a complimentary AO biofrequency scan demo where we can explore what your nervous system may be communicating.
• 5:17
  You'll find the links to both of them in my show notes.
• 5:19
  And before you go, do me one favor.
• 5:21
  If this episode helped you feel seen, share it with someone who has spent their life believing they don't matter because one conversation, one moment of being understood can change someone's entire life.
• 5:31
  Until next time, remember this.
• 5:33
  You don't become visible when the world finally notices you.
• 5:36
  You become visible the moment you stop hiding who you've always been.
• 5:40
  Until next time, I'll see you later.
• 5:42
  Have a blessed day, and I hope to talk to you soon.
• 5:44
  Love you guys.