Latest / SECOND CLOCK™ / SEASON 8 | TRUSTING ONESELF

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SEASON 8 | TRUSTING ONESELF · SECOND CLOCK™

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  What if you learned that the time was always now to make a
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  choice, change direction, choose you.
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  But where do you start and how will you know when you got
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  there? That's what the second clock is.
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  It's a time to try, the chance to experience everything you
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  wish you had but haven't yet. A time to re evaluate where you
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  are and where you're headed while letting go of ideas of
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  what you should be doing, who you think you need to be, and
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  realize who you are. Now join me, click follow, like
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  and subscribe and let's see where this leads.
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  Throughout the last few years I've been toying with this one
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  concept. It's trust.
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  On one side is loyalty and the other side is betrayal.
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  And I think for the most part, we all know this.
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  For some of us, to trust is easy.
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  For me, it always was probably a little too easy.
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  I think I was trusting blindly. And for others, we build walls
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  and we're weary of everyone. And for them to trust, it takes
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  time and it needs to be earned. But there's a different type of
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  trust that I've been thinking about.
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  That's the one that I've been contemplating more and more, and
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  that's trusting one's instincts, trusting 1's decisions to make
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  decisions that are good for them, that are aligned.
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  I think for many of us, we just move.
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  We move through our morning, through our day, through our
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  week, through the months, the years, and we're not thinking
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  too much about trust or thinking about what's aligned within our
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  routine. We're just moving.
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  At least for me, that's what I did.
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  That's what got me here. Well, I should say that's what
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  got me through most of my life. Until one day I felt like, what
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  if I needed to care? What if I needed to make sure
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  that what I was doing was right? Not just right for everybody
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  around me, but right for me, for the direction that I wanted to
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  head in. And what was that direction
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  again? It went back to trust, trusting
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  that other people knew what was best for me, thinking that
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  everybody knew what was best for everybody.
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  And if I just followed along and listened intently to what
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  everybody was telling me to do, everyone's advice, including
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  what was around me in magazines and books and movies, friends,
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  family, even extended friends of family, well, then I was going
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  to get it right, get life right. But that meant that I didn't
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  lean on myself. I didn't need to.
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  The trust that I could have been forming with my decision making,
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  with my instincts, was being replaced by other people, their
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  ideas, their solutions. And where did that get me?
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  Well, it got me doing what everybody was doing, doing
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  what's expected, following the norms, until one day, I don't
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  really know what happened, but I just didn't want to feel like I
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  was going along for the ride. I wanted to feel like I was
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  making choices. I guess it was time to trust and
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  put the trust back in me. And for the last several years,
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  I've been working on that, tuning into what feels right in
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  the moment, what feels good, what makes sense for me, what's
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  aligned and trusting my gut, figuring out what's right and
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  what's not. And sometimes it doesn't happen
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  in the moment. Sometimes I wish it would.
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  And sometimes I surprise myself because I listen intently in the
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  moment, whereas in the past I was just so busy going that
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  listening to me and what I wanted was an afterthought.
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  Recently, I found myself going along for the ride.
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  Literally. I was in Disneyland.
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  I was afforded tickets to Disney After Dark and I don't really go
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  on rides, but I wanted to take advantage of this opportunity.
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  But the fact remains that I really don't go on rides.
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  So when the end of the night was coming, I just said to my
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  friend, I know I haven't been much fun.
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  You've gone on every ride by yourself, so I'll go with you on
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  the Ferris wheel. By then I was getting really
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  tired. This event was from 9:00 to 1:00
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  in the morning and I pull long days as it is.
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  I usually I'm getting up at 5 or 6.
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  So even with that nap that I took before going to Disney, I
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  was starting to feel it. Feeling the fatigue set in and I
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  knew that I had a 40 minute drive ahead of me to get home.
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  When we approached the Ferris wheel, I had no idea that there
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  was two options for the carriage.
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  There was the swinging one or the stationary one.
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  In my mind, there was only one option, the stationary 1.
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  And in my friend's mind there was only one option, this
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  swinging one. Well, I didn't realize the one
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  that he had signed me up to until we're halfway through the
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  line and I see carriages over our head swinging and I hear
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  people screaming. And I said to my friend, which
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  line are we on? And he said, oh, the swinging
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  side, that's the side I like. And I said I like the stationary
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  one. I can't possibly do this one.
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  And he said, Oh well, the line for that one is over there.
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  And for whatever reason I didn't think about what I wanted and
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  why I was doing this. I just thought he gave me a
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  solution. Great, I'll go get on that line
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  and leave him thinking, well, this way he can do what he wants
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  and I can do what I want. Everybody wins.
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  The only problem is something that I wouldn't see in the
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  moment that maybe you guys see so obviously that I would only
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  recognize later, is that I was only going on a ride to go with
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  my friend. I didn't really want to go on a
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  Ferris wheel, but here I am just going, going along with whatever
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  somebody told me. They came up with a good
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  solution and off I go. And with that simple example of
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  me and a ride at Disneyland with a friend, it shows how I made
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  decisions, how I went along, how I didn't listen to what it was
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  that I wanted or even realize what the point of something was
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  in the moment. And it makes sense how I got so
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  far, for so long. I just went along before I
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  started to think about what I wanted.
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  And there I was at 12 in the morning, standing on line for a
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  ride I didn't want to take and going to be a single rider on a
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  Ferris wheel. As I went up, up, up and around
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  I thought how did I get here? Not just how did I get on this
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  ride, but how did I agree to do something I didn't even want to
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  do that badly in the 1st place? Why didn't I stop and say you
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  know what, taking this ride without you doesn't make any
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  sense. Instead I think I'm going to go
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  home, I'm getting tired. But I didn't.
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  I didn't say any of those things.
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  Instead, I tried to do another ride after, and when that wasn't
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  successful, I left in a huff. Any chance of having shared fun
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  was now replaced with resentment, and it's in those
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  moments that I know that I stayed too long.
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  There's been a few times in my life when I can say that I got
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  out early. Just in time, actually.
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  Because I will tell you that when resentment sets in, it's
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  very hard. It clouds everything.
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  It clouds the way you see situations, the way you see how
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  you handled things and the way you see other people.
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  And I know that when those situations come up, I find that
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  it's best to act fast. My friend recently was asking me
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  when I decided to end my marriage, did I do it because I
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  wanted to know what was on the other side?
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  Did I think the grass was greener?
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  And I told her no, I didn't do it for that reason.
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  I did it because for once, I finally was thinking about what
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  I wanted. I wasn't just going along like I
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  had for so long. Now let me be clear, there's
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  nothing wrong with going along with what you've been going
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  along with for so long, as long as it's good and healthy and
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  you're happy. But for me, life had just become
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  expected. I didn't question things or
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  challenge things. Things that I didn't know about
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  people the way they were. The truth.
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  And I think at my age, I should have known better.
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  And I guess I just never took the opportunity or question
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  things and tried to learn. And I think I just felt like I
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  wasn't living enough. I wasn't experiencing enough.
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  There were things that I still wanted to do, but I did leave
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  for someone. I left for me.
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  I left to find out what it was that I didn't know about myself,
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  but I hadn't given myself the chance to learn.
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  I wanted to trust in myself more.
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  Trust that I could read people better, that I understood what
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  was going on around me. That I knew what was right for
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  me and that I could make good decisions for myself in the
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  moment and not second guess. And if I took a chance, I knew
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  that I could land on my feet. Because that's what trust
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  brings, the awareness that you're making the right decision
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  in the moment for yourself. And so when I left, I left
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  before resentment set in and I left knowing that it didn't
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  matter what was on the other side.
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  I just knew that I was going to live a little bit more,
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  experience more. And the older I get, the more I
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  think that that's what life's about.
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  Trying new things and taking chances.
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  Ones that make sense for where you're at, ones that are going
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  to help you grow, help you learn a little bit more about
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  yourself, maybe the self that you don't even know yet.
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  There was another time recently where I just made the decision
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  to leave, and I left early enough where I wasn't wishing
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  that I had left even earlier. And that was at a retreat.
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  I was traveling for the first time by myself, and the only
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  place that I had planned to go and meet up with people was that
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  a retreat? But when I was there, I was
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  flooded with memories of summer camp.
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  I've talked about this before. When you're younger and you get
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  sent to summer camp, or you get sent to classes or school, your
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  best bet is to assimilate as fast as possible.
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  Figure out commonalities, find people that you can be friends
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  with. But I also know that with summer
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  camp, there's a lot of things that are forced in it too.
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  You're forced to share time when maybe you don't want to.
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  You're forced to make friends with people that maybe you don't
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  have much in common with, and you do it because you need to
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  fit in. You need to get through.
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  Or at least that was what I used to think.
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  But here I am at a retreat that I signed up for, and I'm not
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  young and I'm not in summer camp, so none of those same
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  rules applied, although I felt the instincts to try to fit in,
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  to try to make friends creeping in.
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  And the more I felt it, the more I realized I don't want to join
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  in all these reindeer games. I think I'm OK going at this
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  alone. I think I'm OK really embracing
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  what it is to solo travel. I don't want to get stuck in
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  gossip, judgement, drama and plans taking too long to make
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  where everybody's waiting for everybody else to make a
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  decision. And all of that was starting to
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  become exhausting. And in my day-to-day life, I
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  don't have that. So why on vacation would I ever
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  welcome that in? So I made the choice to leave,
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  and I left early. And I left really comfortable
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  with my decision because when I left, I knew it was because I
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  was welcoming and new experiences, new things that I'd
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  never done. And I guess that's my new life
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  in a nutshell. Trying or before.
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  It was about fear. It was about holding back.
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  It was about listening to others going along for the ride.
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  I guess I'm proud of that decision.
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  The decision to trust myself and not trust in something I signed
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  up to or the group and put myself in a disadvantage or make
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  myself unnecessarily uncomfortable.
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  I guess I was going for something that was aligned.
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  And I wonder why we don't do that more often.
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  Why is it that I stood on a line for a Ferris wheel when I didn't
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  even want to go on that ride? Why is it that I stepped foot in
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  that carriage for the solo rider and took the ride?
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  I don't know. But in that moment I was
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  operating with my old operating system, something that had
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  served me well until one day it didn't.
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  And I have to say, at midnight on a Monday, it didn't serve me
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  well. And it wasn't until that drive
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  home when I was dozing in and out of sleep that I realized by
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  staying so late, I put myself in an unsafe situation.
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  And for what? Why was I just going along,
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  going along with somebody else's solution, thinking that it was
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  right for me when really it wasn't right for him or I?
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  It was just an option. A lot of decisions are made that
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  way. Somebody throws out an idea, a
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  solution, an option, and the next thing you know, people are
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  following along blindly sometimes and not always keeping
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  in mind the objective. I know this because when I talk
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  to people, they'll say, I don't know why I signed up for this.
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  I don't know why I stayed so long.
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  I don't know why I didn't leave. I don't know what I was doing
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  thinking that I was happy there. I wasn't.
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  You'll hear people say later, I wish I had said no in the
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  moment, why didn't I speak up? And it goes back to trust.
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  Trusting yourself in those moments, trusting that you make
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  good decisions, Trusting that some people don't have the
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  answers, or maybe they don't have the answers that are right
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  for you. And the way you get those
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  answers is by listening. Listening intently to your
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  emotions when all of a sudden you feel something rise in you.
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  Maybe anxiousness, tension, frustration, fear.
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  That's your alarm bells going off saying this isn't right.
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  Say something, do something, leave.
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  But for so many years, I stayed quiet.
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  I didn't do anything different and I didn't leave.
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  So I get it. I get that it's a challenge.
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  But just like with anything, repetition, it helps you get
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  better. Get better at making choices
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  that are aligned for yourself. Get better at speaking up in the
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  moment. Get better at listening to what
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  it is that you need and saying something.
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  Get better at trusting yourself. Because if you're trying to
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  figure out what's next for you, how do you keep your thoughts,
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  your needs in focus? And then just remember, if trust
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  lives between loyalty and betrayal, start there.
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  Don't betray yourself. Instead, choose loyalty to
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  yourself. Thanks for listening.
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  These episodes are unscripted. They're my free flowing thoughts
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  as I reflect back on past conversations, experiences, what
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  I've learned, would like to do better, and what's next.
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  Join me on Thursdays for new episodes and catch up on past
• 16:34
  episodes. Click Follow, Like and subscribe
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  and let's see where this leads.