Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Could You Get Your Wife To Have Sex With You If You Got A Million Bucks To Make It Happen (And If You Weren't Allowed To Tell Her About The Million Bucks)

Transcript

Could You Get Your Wife To Have Sex With You If You Got A Million Bucks To Make It Happen (And If You Weren't Allowed To Tell Her About The Million Bucks) · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:08
  Psych mom show, today, I'm going to be talking about whether you
• 0:11
  could get your wife to have sex with you for a million dollars
• 0:14
  and how to use that. Thought experiment, not in order
• 0:17
  to depress yourself. But in order to cultivate the
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  exact opposite, a feeling of proactivity and agency in your
• 0:23
  marriage, which is so sorely lacking, among many men before
• 0:26
  that, we do want to tell you. And I mean the Royal week
• 0:30
  because it's only me want to tell you to subscribe because
• 0:34
  most Recently, I talked about why women actually want you to
• 0:37
  pick out the clothes. They wear.
• 0:39
  Not exactly, not all women, but it is something for you to
• 0:42
  listen to especially if you think that she would rather that
• 0:45
  you have no preferences in any domain.
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  Like some sort of amorphous blob that exists to have a paycheck.
• 0:52
  So, our back to the topic at hand, could you get your wife to
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  have sex with you for a million dollars?
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  And for those of us who like to really have the details on all
• 1:01
  thought experiments, you are not allowed to tell her about the
• 1:04
  Dollars because then yes she would have sex with you but then
• 1:09
  she would put that right into the kids college fund.
• 1:12
  But anyway, could you do it? Most guys say they could do it.
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  Most guys, say that 4 million fucking dollars or a gun to
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  their head, you know, if they're more of an anxious sort that
• 1:22
  needs to fear motivator, they say they can do it, they can get
• 1:26
  late, you know, but then why aren't you right?
• 1:30
  What are the special talents that you would mobilize in order
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  to get laid? Aid in the sci-fi film, where
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  you got a million dollars in order to do.
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  So what would you do? I'll tell you what a lot of guys
• 1:41
  think when they actually give this some thought and these are
• 1:44
  the guys who are like, oh I couldn't even get laid like no
• 1:46
  matter what I try, she rejects me a ball, the bomb, opt molk.
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  So what would change if you actually?
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  Like, if there was a lot of, if you had a lot of skin in the
• 1:57
  game, right more so than you have and in fact, more urgency
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  than you have because you only have, you know, 24 hours to get
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  this million dollars, right? They should do a porno like
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  this, you know, be so funny like can I sleep with 100 women for a
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  million dollars by midnight, you know.
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  But anyway, could you get your wife to sleep with you for a
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  million dollars? Yes.
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  What would you do? You would be like, super
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  awesome, man? You would be super romantic, you
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  would immediately call a babysitter.
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  You would, like, whisk her away to like some sort of romantic
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  setting you would like, I mean, so let's say it's like, 8:00
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  a.m. you get your marching orders.
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  You would turn to are you and say, I love you so much.
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  We're not, you know, acting like we need to focus on this
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  marriage. I'm going to take today off of
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  work, you know, because like this is so urgent.
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  I love you. Like a, our life is passing Us
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  by, let's spend the whole day together or let's say she's a
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  neurosurgeon and she has a child brain surgery on the docket.
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  Then you would say, as soon as you're done with work, I'm
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  picking you up. I'm getting a sitter.
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  I'm taking you out to dinner. I love you so much and you would
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  be super romantic and loving and then you would initiate sex by
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  kissing and In her in the eyes at telling her that you love her
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  so much hopefully hopefully you would do that.
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  Hopefully you wouldn't just like make some joke and honk her boob
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  because then my friend you would not get the million dollars.
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  So if you could put on your A game in this, you know, fantasy
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  Universe, where you would get a million dollars or having sex
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  with your wife, why aren't you doing this shit on the regular?
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  You know, and there's some guys who are like I couldn't do any
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  of that, you know, she wouldn't I'm at guess I could do it but
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  you wouldn't respond to it. No matter what, I could be
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  sobbing about how much I love her and there could be like
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  violin players that I flew in from Italy or whatever.
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  And we're like in a fucking Gondola because we teleported to
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  Venice and she still wouldn't have sex with me.
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  Well, then, my friend, why are you still in that relationship?
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  Why are you still in that marriage, right?
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  I mean, like if you literally couldn't get her to have sex
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  with you, if your life depended on it, and if sex is important
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  enough to you to have listened to a podcast with this title,
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  then why, why, why are you still in that relationship?
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  It's usually, because you have toxic Lilo Levels of self-esteem
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  and self-worth and if you're, you know, ongoing listener,
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  probably you saw sexless marriage growing up.
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  And you just cannot imagine that like a man would be able to have
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  any agency over getting a woman to love him more and then you're
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  completely completely wrong. People could make one another
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  love each other, whatever. My pronouns are getting messed
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  up. You have agency over making your
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  wife love you more, doesn't she have agency over making you love
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  her more? Think about it, if she just like
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  smile that you more and seemed happy.
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  Eager to see you and whatever wouldn't you love her even more
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  than you do now or at all, if you don't, you know, yes, of
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  course, even your damn kids could make you love them more.
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  This is not PC to say it but if they're if they act nice you
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  feel a lot more love in your heart that if they're acting
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  spoiled and entitled, right? So come on now you got to admit
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  reality reality is you know you through a combination of your
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  genes and the environment in which you were raised your
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  previous experiences. And you're disappointing
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  marriage. You are now depressed, likely
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  and that depression manifests as passivity apathy and
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  hopelessness and feeling of paralysis, if he's a V6 or
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  really anything involving your wife or possibly in a, you know,
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  much more macro way, you feel completely frustrated at work
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  and with friends and just anywhere in the world, you feel
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  kind of paralyzed and and demoralized and stock and like
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  everything is fucking hopeless. And why even try If you do feel
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  like that then you are that is depression.
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  And then you ought to be talking to somebody about it and or go
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  into a medical provider to try out whatever the hell you can to
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  get yourself, not depressed. But that is not a reality.
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  There are so many more women like it's so funny.
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  You know, when you're like couples counselor or like people
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  come in the guy'll, be like, yeah, well, it was off to a bad
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  start. I'll say how is the week they'll
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  say, well, we had a fight and he'll say, oh, was off to a
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  start from the beginning, I said X, she didn't like it.
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  And then the day, Shot. So invariably I turned to the
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  woman and I say Obviously is there anyway.
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  You know, that he could have made that day better.
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  She's like, yes, I was like, tell me some ways and she like,
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  rattles them off instantly, so if he had immediately
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  apologized, if he had looked me in the eye after that, if he
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  didn't, just go into the living room to sulk for the rest of the
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  day, if he had tried to come over and hug and kiss me.
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  If he had, you know, maybe plan some time for us to spend
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  together if he had validated what I had said, and like, you
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  could be like, oh yeah, she talks a good game but none of
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  that shit. It would have worked.
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  Well, that's stupid to say right with somebody tells you
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  something that would work for them, why not try to fucking
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  believe them. Before you tell them that their
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  bullshit then you could be like oh well I've tried everything
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  know you have and that's narcissistic to think that
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  nobody's tried everything, right?
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  Nobody's a perfect person. I can try everything but I know
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  from being a human as well as working with multiple humans
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  that there is always something that can put somebody into a
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  better mood. Always always, always always
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  your wife could have just got fired at work.
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  I'm like good one of the kids got in trouble at school, and
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  she feels fat. And it's the day before her
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  period And there are plenty of ways that you can make that day
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  better and plenty of days. I died.
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  No, you don't disagree with this that you can make that day
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  worse. But most guys think that they
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  could only make it worse than can't make it better.
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  You can make it better, but if you don't know how and if you
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  think that like the amount of effort that I was talking about
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  before when I was doing the fantasy of what you would do, if
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  you needed to get her sleep with, you just sounds completely
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  off the wall. And Like something you couldn't
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  pull off. Then you should be going to
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  therapy or coaching. You know, where somebody can
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  really help you lean into the best part of yourself and help
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  you brainstorm ways that you could potentially act in a more
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  confident, assertive loving manner vulnerable to because
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  it's very vulnerable to tell your wife, you know, I love you
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  so much. I set aside this time I want to
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  take off a day, I want to be with you, you know, that's
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  vulnerable, that's putting yourself out there and that's
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  something that a lot of guys struggle with vulnerability is
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  really confident. You know, like guys think that
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  it means weakness and the opposite of confidence, but
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  being vulnerable is really a form of confidence because
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  you're putting yourself out there.
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  That's why women respond to it so much.
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  And that's why it's in the romance books is being
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  vulnerable. These men are vulnerable all
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  over the place and romance novels, you know.
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  So so what you need to do is you need to think about the, a game
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  that you would bring to the table.
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  If you got a million dollars or having sex with your wife, and
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  then you need to do that, like, you really need to try it out.
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  You need to act as though. Oh, the world is going to end if
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  you don't have sex by the end of whatever weekend is coming up
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  and you need to try your very very hardest.
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  And if she says, basically, I'm not having sex with you no
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  matter what then you pretty. If sex is important to you, you
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  got two options. One is to say, well we don't
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  have much for marriage then and maybe we should think about
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  splitting or and my favorite one response out of those two would
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  be. We need to get to couples
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  counseling because of if if you really feel that distant from me
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  that you cannot even imagine being intimate with me no
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  matter. How much I try then we obviously
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  a very different perspectives on marriage and closeness and we
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  are not going to be happy with one another until we try to work
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  through some of this and see what a middle ground could be.
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  And I really want us to go see somebody and talk to somebody
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  about it to try to get the marriage on track, you know?
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  Because we are then, so obviously misalign and Miss
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  attuned. That, you know, we can't, we
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  can't fix it ourselves, you know.
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  I mean, here, here I am and always be honest, say I have
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  been trying Going to get laid like crazy because, you know, I
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  don't remember how to masturbate, but because I love
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  you. That's how I transmitted love.
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  And we don't have a romantic relationship which I yearn for
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  that is manifested to me through sex if there's literally, no way
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  that you're telling me that that I could, you know, feel close to
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  you physically. Then this is not the marriage I
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  want and obviously, if you feel that way, there must be reasons
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  that this is not the marriage that you want, otherwise you
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  would probably be willing to try since you're not willing to try.
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  I've got a That I've disappointed you grievously and
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  I want to know how and how I could rectify it.
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  There are very few women that will just be like you know, good
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  speech but no, no there. I mean if you say like literally
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  this is not the marriage I want, I want to figure out what went
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  wrong. We obviously have different
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  philosophies on marriage. I want to work together on
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  figuring out if there's a middle ground, unless your wife is so
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  far out of it already, that she does not want anything to do
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  with you, in which case, it's better, you know, that now then
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  she will probably come to table and play ball.
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  You You know, and she will probably go to couples
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  counseling and then you could figure out if she ever is going
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  to have sex with you again. Kind of good to know, you know.
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  I'm is plenty of guys who wish that they had a time machine and
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  they could go back to themselves 10 or 20 years ago and be like
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  man you're gonna get laid about three times in the next two
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  decades. So why don't you get out of
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  Dodge right now? You know and you know what in
• 10:54
  two decades from now one or two you're going to wish that you
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  could go back to this moment and figure out if you are ever going
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  to have any sort of intimate romantic life again.
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  And as I've discussed Ad nauseam, Sex is not about sex,
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  it is about intimacy. And so what you're really saying
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  is will I ever have a romantic intimate relationship with my
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  wife again? And if not, I kind of need to
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  know that right now so that I can make decisions accordingly
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  about how I want to spend the rest of my life and that is your
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  your prerogative, you know? Like, that is something that you
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  should be doing. If you think that marriage
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  should have a romantic component and your spouse doesn't, I would
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  tell both men and women. The same thing, you got to
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  figure out who Your shit out. Like, figure out why should you
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  be living in a complete romantic deficit and intimacy deficit?
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  Nobody deserves that no matter what you did in the past,
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  whatever. And if she hates you because you
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  cheated or because you drank too much or because of various
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  empathic ruptures, you got to get into counseling and work
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  through that and see if there is any future at all.
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  Because when people just let these things go for too long,
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  they end up in a place where they are irreconcilable.
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  And even the most skilled marital counselor cannot make
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  any Headway because People are out, you know, they both have
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  one foot out or one person a two-foot feet out.
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  The other person doesn't, which still averages to one foot out
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  each, which is not a good situation.
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  Sometimes it can work but please don't put your hopes in the all
• 12:20
  of your eggs in the basket of that.
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  Marital counseling can help. Even if we push it off another
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  five years, know the minute that you think that it would be a
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  good idea. The minute, the intimacy starts
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  to slide, of course, I don't mean like when your wife has
• 12:33
  just given birth and you haven't had sex Sex in six weeks yet?
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  Absolutely, I'm not talking about that.
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  I'm saying, if it has been a couple of years since you have,
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  had the intimate life since you've wanted counseling,
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  counseling is it? The time is now the time is now
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  some people really, you know, respond to a wake-up call and
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  this could be your wake-up call. If you could not get your wife
• 12:53
  to have sex with you for a million dollars, and if you're a
• 12:56
  woman in the situation, by the way, because there are, if you
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  could not get your husband's have sex with you for a million
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  dollars. As I've talked about repeatedly,
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  this is even more demoralizing for women.
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  Cause, you know, as I've said mine of higher sex drive so
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  overall. So you are in a different sort
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  of situation, that's more unusual.
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  And then you feel even worse about yourself because this is,
• 13:15
  you know, not at all. Anything.
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  That's in the popular media. Although of course there are men
• 13:19
  with lower sex drives on their wives.
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  It's just makes you feel even worse honestly?
• 13:24
  As a woman, you know? And that's the women that I work
• 13:26
  with. They feel just like total freaks
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  when they're in this situation where they're pursuing their
• 13:31
  husband, their husband won't have sex with them.
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  So get yourself into couples counseling.
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  If you're in that Situation even quicker, you know because it's
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  such a much more unusual situation so it may really
• 13:40
  indicate profound depression or low testosterone in the man, but
• 13:43
  this was a little bit of a tangent.
• 13:46
  Okay, so what are you going to do?
• 13:47
  You're going to think about, whether you can get your wife to
• 13:49
  have sex with you for a million dollars, then you're going to
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  act like that, like that's the situation that you're currently
• 13:54
  in. Like you're in that sci-fi movie
• 13:56
  or that short story and then you are going to execute.
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  If you fail to execute, you will take that as a sign from the
• 14:04
  heavens. That you need to pursue couples
• 14:06
  counseling immediately and you will give your wife a very
• 14:08
  Soulful honest and sincere and eloquent oration, or at least
• 14:14
  just literally say we need to go to couples counseling because I
• 14:17
  can get late to save my life and that's how I express love.
• 14:21
  And so, this is a real bad sign for our marriage and it's
• 14:25
  terrifying. Honestly, I didn't know that we
• 14:27
  were doing that bad and I'm sure a lot of it is me.
• 14:30
  We got to get into couples counseling to fix it.
• 14:34
  You know, I mean really and that will really set the frame
• 14:37
  because then you're being completely honest, not having
• 14:40
  sex is a big issue for me. I have never really realized how
• 14:43
  unable to execute. I would be quite honestly it is
• 14:46
  a terrifying side. It is just like you could say to
• 14:49
  your wife, it is just like if you spent the entire weekend
• 14:52
  getting me to say I love you and you couldn't.
• 14:55
  That is how terrified I feel right now because I love
• 14:58
  languages intimacy, you know and if you're in the situation we
• 15:02
  couldn't get her to have sex with you.
• 15:03
  It's likely that you wouldn't kiss you or hug you either.
• 15:05
  So, you could even say that I have been trying to kiss you or,
• 15:09
  and hug you and be closed for the whole weekend.
• 15:11
  And I can, if you could kiss her and hug her, by the way, then
• 15:13
  you're just not trying hard enough.
• 15:14
  Most likely to have sex with her.
• 15:16
  Unless you guys are in a culture where like, she has her period
• 15:18
  and that's just, like, never ever done, ever or like she's
• 15:21
  sick. And that's the end of the world
• 15:23
  or like whatever. By the way, I'm going to be
• 15:26
  talking next about when women have chronic pain, but it only
• 15:29
  uniquely impacts one thing, guess what?
• 15:30
  That is. And so that'll be an
• 15:33
  interesting. Resting one if you guys think
• 15:35
  you're in that situation. All right.
• 15:36
  Well, I'll talk to you soon. Have a great day.
• 15:38
  Hope you got something out of this and please do follow my
• 15:41
  advice and try and May the force be with you.