Latest / Harder Than Life / Your Triggers Are Old Information Wearing Today's Clothes—Here's How to Heal

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Your Triggers Are Old Information Wearing Today's Clothes—Here's How to Heal · Harder Than Life

• 0:01
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• 0:30
  Welcome back to the 100 Life Show, Thursday episode, just you and me. We're gonna talk about some fun stuff today. Mastering your reactivity, transforming triggers into your greatest source of personal power. Everybody's talking about triggers these days and you triggered me and what this, that, and the other off the wall. And I learned very recently as you guys that follow me every single week and all day on social media that your triggers are your responsibility.
• 0:57
  And I am triggered more than I had let on. And I'm going to share some resources and some experience with you. I'm a disciplined man. And a client can say five words to me and turn me into a scared little boy in about a half of a second. Today, I'm going to show you how to make that half second back, how to take that back and reclaim it and turn that thing that's been running
• 1:26
  You into your thing that frees you. So the thing that debilitates you, I'm gonna turn it into your superpower. Now before you turn and you think I'm crazy, I thought I was crazy as well until I really examined the patterns that were showing up in my life.
• 1:47
  When you're triggered, it is reactivity. It is nothing more than you going back to whatever age that that thing that was just said or done to you was imprinted into your life as a child. Everybody thinks the trigger is to be avoided and is the enemy. That is the portal. It's the data. It's what needs to be healed. Treat it as a gift from God.
• 2:15
  And if you can master, you all heard this. I talk about the sacred pause, but it's the time that you can take to respond rather than react. And it's just three short seconds. So we're gonna get into it. Here's the story.
• 2:35
  I'm on vacation this week. I'm filming a bunch of content and I'm still reading my emails and going through. And we did a project for a client and they're a close client. They're good people. And we were negotiating back and forth. And I'm like, you know, I asked for forgiveness, not for permission. And this is going to make way more sense. I am the king of coming up with lines to overcome my fears.
• 3:03
  Well, first time I ever said that out loud. So I always figure that I can make anything work because I'm a reasonable guy. So at the end of the day, we did a project for a client and they were very difficult. They're good customers, but they're very difficult in their negotiations. So I just said, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was busy going through a lot of changes. We'll figure it out. And then projects done, the scope had doubled. Yeah.
• 3:33
  And my team hadn't stopped and talked to them. I didn't talk to them. I'd been going through this IFS therapy and I took my eye off the ball and
• 3:42
  Frankly, I just figured that we'd work it out at the end and now they're refusing to pay. They're even going as far as saying, it says right in your contract that this is inclusive. Even though we installed 18 of something and they requested 30, we did 12 more of what they asked for and want to be paid for and they're refusing and they're citing a contract clause. And all I hear,
• 4:06
  is you're a failure, you're stupid, you're lazy, and those are my triggers. And when I read the email and they're refusing to pay and citing all these legitimate claims, I think all those things over and over and over again. And that's operating in my subconscious and it doesn't serve anybody. So...
• 4:32
  What do we need to do? I, during this entire thing, I wanna break it down. So if I complain, I'm bad. If you're bad, it's that little boy that says, you're not good enough. And these are all things that are going on that my stepfather created. Notice, we're talking about business and I'm bringing personal life in. Because guys, if you've been listening for the last several months,
• 4:59
  There is no work-life balance. This is why you see high achievers have very terrible home life or someone with a very good home life not have a good business. This is not balance. This is emotional intelligence and we're gonna talk about it. You deal with your childhood trauma or it's gonna deal with you. This is why I've been stuck. This is why the heart of the life has been stuck. All those times that my stepfather beat me and told me I wasn't gonna be nothing,
• 5:27
  I used this positive fuel to grow the podcast, to make a multimillion dollar cybersecurity company. But I hit a ceiling and I'm stuck. So when I started tearing all those down, I'm examining how I got here. And I see these patterns. When I received that email, I didn't think, oh, what jerks. I thought, man, I'm so stupid. I'm dumb. And they're right.
• 5:55
  But no, this is what I did. I paused, I giggled and said, none of that is even true. And then I started examining, why didn't I just stop and get approval? Because I didn't want to face
• 6:09
  the constant back and forth, and really truthfully, the thriftiness of this client. They're good people. We're gonna work this out, guys. Eventually we're gonna work it out, but it's just a great trigger because I was going about a great day, I looked down on my email, I see this, and I instantaneously. Now to me, I trust myself so much that once we all get in a room, once I get back, I will work this out. But I looked inside, we're gonna fix our change order processes.
• 6:39
  but I know I'm good enough now. Asking for forgiveness was frowned upon as a kid. If you spoke up, I got beat as a kid. This is all running underneath my life while I'm at work. And you wonder why I keep having the same problems over and over again. The thing that bothers me the most is at the end, the job is immaculate.
• 7:08
  It's perfect. It's exactly what they need. But they didn't get final say to spend the extra dollars. So they have every right to be angry and I'm going to sit with them. And we'll more than likely compromise, but this will be the last time because I've done the work and I understand why I don't just take the extra time at the front end and do it the right way because I was avoiding conflict. Because conflict as a child,
• 7:37
  meant I was gonna get beat. And frankly, I'm always leading with what's best for my clients. It's not what's best for me. But as I've healed, I will do what's best for me, which is usually what's best for the client. So, in our contract, we will honor everything, we will make this right. But, I wanna get in
• 8:04
  to how I felt the reactivity didn't follow the complaint. It was actually what built that complaint. So me being reactive and me not stepping, this is the life's hamster wheel that we're all on guys. So the lesson here is simple. The trigger is old information wearing today's clothes.
• 8:27
  I'm not good enough. I'm not going to amount to shit. I'm not smart. All these things I was told as a child. So I just do the right thing. And I hope that the other people are going to do the right thing, but not everybody has the same wounds that I do. It works well when you match up on the same vibrational frequency, but that doesn't always happen. So I pay attention. I'm learning the lesson. And,
• 8:52
  Here's a newsflash to the lesson else is the size of the reaction, how visceral it feels is the size of the old wound, not the new event. And I'll bet you, HDL Nation, if you're listening to this, you're shaking your head and you're thinking, hmm, yeah, that does happen. And this could be in anything. Whatever triggers you probably triggers you very daily.
• 9:17
  So when you get a trigger, breathe. Stop for three seconds. One 1,000, two 1,000, three 1,000. That's it. And then ask yourself, is this true? Is what I'm feeling true? A thousand percent, it never is. Anything that you say before those three seconds or do in those three seconds is going to exacerbate the problem.
• 9:46
  The sacred pause, my friends. Respond instead of react and you will start getting better outcomes. So I don't have a client problem. This client is absolutely justified in their actions. I don't have the right to spend their money on their behalf, even though I was doing the right thing for both of us. I don't have a client problem. I have an unhealed one running my decisions.
• 10:11
  And that's gonna stop right now. And that's because I didn't trust myself. I didn't love myself enough to show up and show out and negotiate. But that stops right here, right now. And we've put a change order process in. And you know what the funny thing about it? This is, the change order process is what we would call a boundary and a standard. And once you do that, you take your power back
• 10:38
  and it actually is freeing. So once I install this, sure it's a few extra steps. Sure they should take our word for it. Yeah, I wish we did business like back in the old days where we just shook a hand and we did the right thing and we paid. But that's not how business works anymore, unfortunately. Not in everybody's world. And this is what I want you to do. I gave you one trigger.
• 11:06
  One that I had, I have many a day. This is what I do. Hand on the heart. Breathe. Three breaths. Ask if it's true, respond, never, ever, ever defend. Because literally it just creates the conflict.
• 11:32
  When you respond, you respond with nothing but data. Just the facts, ma'am. No drama. If you say, I feel, you're gonna lose. And then here's the thing about it, you gotta practice that. Because sitting there and doing it, it's gonna get weird. Even if you have to go in the mirror and start doing it daily, do it on a camera, whatever. I do it so fast, because I'm so used to it. That you guys have followed me for so long, you know that I have so many triggers that
• 12:00
  But I'm overcoming them all. I'm integrating them all. And by the way, go back and listen to the modality because even though I'm giving you what to do now, it's ultimately you have to integrate that childhood trauma and or witness it. Heal it. It's really what you need to do. And everybody is different. So...
• 12:23
  At the end of the day, you got to go see where in your childhood that's coming from, heal it. And it's going to more than likely take more than just talk therapy. As you know, I've done hypnotherapy, EMDR therapy, emotional intelligence coaching.
• 12:37
  IFS, plant medicine, I've done it all. And I'm finally at the other side, my friends, and watch, there's no secret that the Heart of the Life brand is growing. National Technology Management, the AI, IT, cybersecurity companies growing. We're doing some amazing things, but your homework.
• 12:57
  is that next trigger, run those four steps and report back to me. And if it keeps happening and you don't know what it is, email me, kelly at harderthanlife.com. I will point you in the right direction, at least what I think. I am not a doctor, but I have read so much about this. I have gone through it.
• 13:18
  If you're gonna work with somebody or ask somebody, ask somebody that's been there, I've been there, I've done that, and I don't recommend it. And don't wait so long until I did it, guys. I'm 50 years old and I'm just now looking at this going, huh, man, I could have avoided a lot of headache by just addressing this years ago. And it's nothing more than trusting myself and loving myself and putting myself and my company first, which is good for everybody.
• 13:47
  Guys, this was a quick episode. I just wanted to share this with you. If you're triggered daily, write them down, run the four steps, and then get some coaching and counseling, run the TLC method, you guys hear me talk about all the time. And hopefully you got value from this. Guys, we're growing our YouTube. Please follow us on YouTube. Share this with someone that you can see them getting triggered daily. We all have that loved one and
• 14:14
  Till next week, be harder than life. Love you all. Be awesome. Be kind. Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit trustntm.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.