Latest / Libido Lounge / Why Couples Struggle to Stay Present During Sex with Violet Lange

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Why Couples Struggle to Stay Present During Sex with Violet Lange · Libido Lounge

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  It's not broken.
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  You're just ready for your next breakthrough.
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  Violet Lang is an intimacy, dating, and relationship expert who helps women create
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  passionate, powerful partnerships.
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  She's a graduate of Harvard Business School with an undergraduate in chemical engineering.
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  Violet loves to apply systems thinking to the art of sex and relationships and has helped
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  hundreds of women create healthy love and hot intimacy.
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  There's a spectrum from discomfort to, like, freeze, just being frozen in your body.
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  Give yourself a little bit of energetic and physical space from your partner.
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  If we're not listening to our body, we're teaching our body that we don't trust
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  ourselves.
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  It's a great time for a sacred pause.
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  A 2023 Harvard study found that out of everything it looked for as far as the root
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  causes to help people have longer, healthier lives, the number one thing the study found
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  that people should focus on is their relationships.
• 0:59
  So to help solve some of the relationship crisis that we have around the world, I have
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  created this upcoming three day eternal honeymoon extravaganza.
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  I am bringing together 15 speakers from around the world in the love, sex, intimacy, and
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  connection, communication, intimacy, and more.
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  And this event is normally $3.97 and it is on sale right now for $1.
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  So I hope you will prioritize your relationships and join me at this epic event.
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  Hi, everybody.
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  Welcome back to another episode on the Libido Lounge.
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  I'm so excited to meet and introduce you to a very kindred spirit.
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  You hear me talk on here all the time about hot and modern monogamy, and my next guest talks
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  about hot intimacy.
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  So we have we have some, you know, very fun overlaps.
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  We're gonna talk today about what happens when we get shut down during sex.
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  I think this is a common thing that happens where people, many times women, but it can
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  happen to men women or men, get shut down and check out and dissociate.
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  And there's so much trauma.
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  There's so many micro traumas that can happen on both the giving and the receiving part
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  inside of this.
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  So we're gonna talk about that.
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  We're gonna talk about how to work with struggles that happen when people are pregnant
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  or have fertility issues as well as when they're parents and they're having parental
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  struggles and they're trying to fit in this, you know, sex life into all of that and so much
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  more today.
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  So to help us with this, Violet Lang is going to, you know, talk to us about her wisdom.
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  Welcome to the show.
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  Thank you so much.
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  I'm so excited to be here and so excited to connect with everyone listening about how you
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  can work with your own sex life even when there are challenges or you find yourself, like
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  really feeling like something's broken.
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  It's not broken.
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  You're just ready for your next breakthrough.
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  Yeah.
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  I love that reframe.
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  Right?
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  Because I think so many times it's like once something is broken, and you know, if we're
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  using that turf, we see that and we're using those those frames, that's when it's like all
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  those other things come in the head.
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  Right?
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  It's like the guilt and the judgment and the fear and, you know, and all these things that
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  are not helpful versus the reframes that you just gave us.
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  So thank you for starting off the show so positively around you're ready for your next
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  breakthrough.
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  You're ready.
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  Like, this is not a this is just a flag.
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  This is just information that is saying that, hey, this is not going the way you want, and it
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  doesn't mean that there's any judgment or any other things we need to associate with this,
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  just that there's information and and your breakthrough is is coming.
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  So tell us a little bit about, like, being shut down during sex.
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  I wanna talk about that because even in this intro you gave us around, like, oh, things are
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  are broken as some people would define them.
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  We're redefining it as you're ready for your next breakthrough.
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  And even when this happens, though, one of the things that I think is a oftentimes a early
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  warning sign that people miss is starting to really shut down during sex.
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  So can you talk to us about, like, what's happening there when that's happening?
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  Like, how do people even recognize that?
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  Is that an early warning sign?
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  Is it not?
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  Just kinda give us the lay of the land, if you would.
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  Yeah.
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  I mean, I would say there's a spectrum from discomfort at the, like, low end to maybe pain
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  to, like, freeze, just being frozen in your body.
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  And depending on, like, how in touch we are with our body in that moment, because we're not
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  always a thousand percent in touch with our body.
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  We might be stressed, or we might be thinking about our kids, or we might be worried about
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  our body image or something.
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  We may or may not pick up, like, where we are kind of in that spectrum, but I think the key
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  is that as soon as we do, we honor ourselves like, okay, something isn't feeling quite
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  right, and I have a choice.
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  Like, I have a choice to kinda keep going and just hope it gets better, or I have a choice to
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  shift the situation, and there's so many ways that we can shift it.
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  And by the way, like, I'm no saying, I've been in freeze at times in my life.
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  I've been in discomfort.
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  I've been in every place on this spectrum.
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  So there's no shame in it.
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  It's like you said, it's just information, and then a choice of power empowerment.
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  So if it is information, right, like, and people are like, oh, yeah.
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  I'm definitely shutting down with this.
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  Like, what are the like, you have steps or, like, guidance from a standpoint of action?
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  I always like to give people as much actionable, you know, advice on here as as
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  possible.
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  So if people are beginning to realize, like, yeah, I'm really shut down about sex.
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  I'm really shut down about my life.
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  Like, where where do where do people start in your experience?
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  That's a great question.
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  I think if you find yourself in freeze frequently, like, if it's not just an every
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  once in a while thing, but it seems to be recurring fairly regularly, then that's just a
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  beautiful opportunity to do some deeper connection with yourself.
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  It could be healing from past trauma.
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  It could be working with a therapist.
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  It could be clearing the air and clearing resentments with your partner.
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  Because sometimes freeze isn't maybe something from, like, a past sexual trauma, although it
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  can be.
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  It could be that you feel completely unseen by your partner and you're having obligatory sex.
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  So that's a deep call for awareness and personal growth work.
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  If it's more like, oh, I'm feeling kind of uncomfortable, maybe I said yes, but now I'm
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  kind of feeling like I'm a no or I'm a maybe, I always say it's a great time for a sacred
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  pause.
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  So, like, you know what?
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  I need to go get a drink of water.
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  I need to go to the bathroom.
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  Like, give yourself a little bit of energetic and physical space from your partner, and I
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  don't want people to get in their heads like, oh, is it because I, you know, directly lost
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  the line?
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  Like, it's not about analyzing.
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  It's more about, okay, do I want to do something to bring me into more pleasure?
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  So maybe I need to light a candle.
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  Maybe I need to say to my partner, like, I'm feeling really insecure.
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  Can we turn the lights down?
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  Or can you tell me that I'm beautiful?
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  Like, asking for what we need.
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  Sometimes it's getting lube, but, like, there can be practical things that we're doing.
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  But if we do something practical like lube, candle, ask for a compliment, whatever, and
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  then we're still feeling crunchy or or no, then that's where we have to be super courageous and
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  just be like, you know what?
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  I just I don't think I can keep going right now and still feel good and authentic to myself.
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  Can we take a rain check, or can we resume later?
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  It's real.
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  There's so many things you just said that I think are so important.
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  I and I want to highlight two of them, one being the sacred pause as you're calling it,
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  because I think so many times people, they start into whatever sexual experience they're
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  having, and once it starts, it's almost like we're we're never taught that it's okay to take
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  a pause.
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  It's okay to be like, hey.
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  I need a moment.
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  I need to go get that glass of water.
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  I need to excuse myself and go to the bathroom.
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  I need to light a candle, do these things as as you're talking about.
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  So I think there's so much to be said around, like, recognizing that and just taking a moment
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  for yourself and taking a pause to just breathe, have a moment, check-in with yourself,
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  ask for what you need, and just giving that permission.
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  And also, the other thing that I think is so important to just mention that you said is this
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  idea of it's okay if you start and you're like, I can't finish tonight.
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  Because I think so many times there's so much, like, judgment on this, on ourselves.
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  Right?
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  And there's so much just almost like societal programming that, hey, once you start, like,
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  you're committed.
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  Like, you know, blue balls for men and all these kind of things.
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  Right?
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  Like, if you don't finish, then, like, all of this pain and all these things are gonna
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  happen.
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  And I think so many times people are not listening to their own bodies, which has longer
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  term detrimental effects.
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  So I have with all that said, I have a two part follow-up question.
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  The one is in situations where, you know, people are are maybe have this programming
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  around, like, the, say, the blue balls or, like, hey.
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  This is not allowed.
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  I can't take a break.
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  Is there anything additional that you would say to them to help, you know, people become more
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  comfortable with, like, listening to their own body?
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  In part, the question is, what happens if we don't?
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  Like, if we are just, like, not listening to this and we have everything in our body saying,
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  like, gosh.
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  I just am not into this, and I really don't wanna continue, and, like, this does not feel
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  like where I wanna be in this moment.
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  What are the ramifications?
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  What are the the downsides of not honoring that?
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  So that's part one.
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  And then part two is from a standpoint of when we're talking about getting shut down during
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  sex, if a partner if realizing that it's happening, that their partner is getting shut
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  down, is there any advice you have from the partner standpoint to help with, you know, that
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  moment?
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  Mhmm.
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  Definitely.
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  Thank you for asking those two things.
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  If we're not listening to our body and not taking that sacred pause or ending the sexual
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  experience at least for a time or picking it up a few days later or something, we're teaching
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  our body that we don't trust ourselves, and then it's harder to show up authentically.
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  It's like we're carrying a self betrayal wound that's keeping us from being fully engaged and
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  present.
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  And I think that actually can hinder the full experience that we wanna have sexually, whether
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  that's just emotional connection or deep orgasms or whatever it is.
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  And then we also are kind of shortchanging our partner because we're assuming that they can't
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  handle it, that that we have to, you know, keep going on their behalf instead of thinking
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  they're strong and powerful and they know how much I love them, and if stuff comes up because
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  I ask for a pause and their shame gets triggered, then we get to both, like, hold each
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  other in that and create even deeper intimacy.
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  I have had situations where I have just powered through.
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  This was with a previous partner than my now husband, but I just powered through because his
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  libido was high.
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  We were in a long distance relationship, and when we were together, he just wanted a lot of
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  sex.
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  And I've had times where my libido was really high, so I can appreciate that.
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  But unfortunately, then I would withdraw.
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  Like, after he left or even during it, I was bracing, you know, and there was a time where
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  he was like, what's wrong with you?
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  Don't you even like sex?
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  And that was his own stuff coming up.
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  That relationship didn't sustain itself for many reasons, but I'm glad that I eventually
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  spoke my truth and kind of said, like, I just I can't because it revealed that we were a bit
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  mismatched in our view on this topic.
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  Now there's been the exact same situation that's happened with my husband where I've said
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  no, or I've said I can't anymore, and he's been like, okay.
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  That's hard for me to hear, but I would never want you to experience pain on my behalf.
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  So please always tell me.
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  So we created a new agreement in our relationship which is if it ever doesn't feel
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  good, I want to know.
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  Just a quick interlude because I want to address that it is so common that people are
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  struggling to prioritize their relationships and their intimate life between jobs and kids
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  and caring for elderly parents and so much more.
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  Sometimes it can just feel like a last thing on the to do list.
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  Now if you're struggling with that or if you're struggling with having better sex or having
• 12:56
  good orgasms or lasting longer or erectile dysfunction or pelvic pain or something else in
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  the sex emotional relationship intimacy space, you are definitely going to want to take a
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  moment right now so you remember to sign up for the eternal honeymoon extravaganza.
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  Now let's get back to our episode.
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  And so if a partner says that it's like, so relaxing and like relieving, it doesn't mean
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  that it doesn't hurt, like it doesn't sting, I should say, to be the one who's like, I I need
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  to take a pause because and then I feel guilty, but I'd rather do that and preserve our
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  connection and go through the crunchiness together than to withhold my truth and then
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  have it come out in kinda bigger, more explosive or detrimental ways.
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  Yeah.
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  And to your point on that too, I think if we are not being honest sometimes with ourselves
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  around this doesn't feel good, and I need to pause, I think there is then this level where
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  it's often then correlates to, like, not being actually fully honest with ourselves and then
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  with our partner around, like, oh, yeah.
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  This feels really good.
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  Like like, there's a there's a it's almost like the body stops listening to all of those
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  signals as much, and we stop tuning into, okay.
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  Well, what's not feeling pleasurable?
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  Like, we make that not okay to listen to, and then we make what is pleasurable also not, you
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  know, able to be listened to.
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  So I think it really can impact the not only the honoring what we don't like, but also
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  honoring what our body really loves.
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  Absolutely.
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  And so then in this second part around around the question around, like, okay, well, how to
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  best support a partner if they're, you know, if they're kinda shutting down?
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  Is the, you know, is the bulk of your, like, first layer of your response here really on
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  starting to create new agreements so that this is a safe thing and so just encouraging the
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  partner to be honest, or are there other, you know, are there other comments you have on that
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  question as well?
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  Yeah.
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  The agreements are a good first layer because we want our brains to feel safe that we can
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  communicate this without, like, retaliation or something damaging the relationship.
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  But then there are a lot of somatic cues that we can invite our partner into.
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  So we can invite eye contact if our partner's kinda drifting off.
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  I mean, we all close our eyes, obviously, during sex sometimes, but you can put your
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  hand, like, on their back if you're in missionary position and just kind of, like,
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  stroke the back of their neck or turn them towards you.
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  Sometimes with my husband, I like to scratch his back or, like, slap his butt playfully, but
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  it's like, hey, like, be here.
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  Be here with me now.
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  I think you can oftentimes tell if someone is tensing and holding their breath.
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  And again, sometimes we do that because we're about to climax.
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  Like, so that's not a bad thing, but we just wanna start being attuned to ourselves and then
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  also to our partner.
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  A lot of times I work with women who have had, like, three to five years of obligatory sex
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  post kids or in other phases of their life as their relationship continues, and it's a lot
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  more work to unpack that.
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  Although it totally can be done and it's done all the time, it's it's harder to unpack that
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  than to start bringing these things into your sex life now, being a little more attuned to
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  each other.
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  And I know it sounds cheesy to check-in during sex, but I think it's okay to just be like,
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  how's this feeling for you?
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  Or like, what are you what are you feeling?
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  What are you noticing?
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  What would you want more of?
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  Like, it doesn't have to be a play by play, but for it not to be like this black box and then
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  it's over and then we go back to, you know, falling asleep or doing whatever we had planned
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  for the day.
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  Yeah.
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  I'm a big fan of checking in during sex.
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  I just I think it's so my experience is it's so important for that feedback from a standpoint
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  of especially for us women, like, where, like, the body is gonna be so dramatically different,
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  you know, day to day.
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  I think it would be so helpful for so what I've seen is my partner as well as people that I
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  coach is that that it's without that without that that level of this is working in this
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  moment or this isn't and agree, like, not necessarily the play by play, but just some
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  level of checking in, it's so easy for partners to just be like, well, this worked last time,
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  so it should work this time, and it's not.
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  It doesn't actually.
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  And I also really appreciate what you're saying around this, you know, these types of things
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  that partners can do, like like quick little things like that, you know, that slap on the
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  butt or that scratch on the back, like anything that's in that sensation type of realm can
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  really help draw people back into their bodies if they've shut down or checked out or it's
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  like another thing that's just like, oh, a sensation.
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  It's like back here, back here, back here.
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  So I think that's such great advice.
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  Now what about when people are, like, you know, for parents, right?
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  So let's let's move this conversation over to parenting and sex and and one of the things
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  that, I mean, there's so many things that come up around time and body changes and hormone
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  changes and, of course, after, you know, pregnancy and delivery, then there can be
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  postpartum depression.
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  There's, like, so many challenges, right, that we could just name.
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  So if people are having a hard time as parents integrating sex and integrating intimacy in
• 18:35
  general into their lives, where do you like to start?
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  Where what what advice do you have for people?
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  The first thing is to stop tracking frequency.
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  I was actually the one in the relationship who was like, you know, it's been x amount of days
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  or x amount of weeks, and and giving your you and your partner permission to just stop
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  tracking the frequency and start focusing on how are we connecting around sex even if we're
• 18:58
  not having sex.
• 18:59
  So, you know, can you look at a sex toy website together and be like, oh, that looks
• 19:04
  interesting.
• 19:04
  You don't even have to buy it, but just get inspired or watch one of the Netflix shows that
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  it's out, you know, like sex, love, and goop or how to build a sex room, read a book together,
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  listen to erotica.
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  I think sometimes we feel like we have to go from zero to a 100, like, not turned on and,
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  you know, wiping baby food off our face to, like, all of a sudden wanting to jump in bed or
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  wherever, you know, you can find the privacy to have sex.
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  And just commit to keeping your erotic essence alive as a couple, even if there's not actual
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  penetrative intercourse.
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  And then this is really hard and I understand how hard it is, but I highly recommend,
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  especially new moms, to keep their own erotic essence alive.
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  So maybe you have lube and you put some on and you don't even self pleasure.
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  You're just like, what would it feel like to like feel a little extra tingle on my vulva to
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  the hay?
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  Or, you know, maybe you, like, take an extra long shower.
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  I love taking baths.
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  Granted, when you have a young child, you can't always do that.
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  But if both people can try to keep the erotic essence couple alive by keeping some sort of
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  learning or discussion going, and then you as, you know I mainly work with women, so I'm
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  talking about women here.
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  You as a woman keep your own erotic essence alive, There's a greater chance that even if
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  it's a season where the frequency is less, you won't have like turned everything completely
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  off.
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  And one thing that's helped my husband and I too is to say, I wish we could be having more
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  sex right now.
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  I really miss your body.
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  And then we just feel that coziness of knowing your desired and you desire each other without
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  it having to feel like pressure.
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  I know some people would rather have anticipation than certainty, but I like
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  hearing, oh, I really wish I could have your body, or I really wish we could be together, I
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  miss our sex life, or I want you, you know, I want you tonight.
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  And then I can say, I don't know about tonight, but, like, maybe later this week.
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  And then it's at least, like, ping ponging in our field versus, oh, we haven't had sex in a
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  long time, and neither of us are wanting to talk about it.
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  And then it feels like it becomes its own dark, you know, shadowy thing without even intending
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  it to be.
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  Well, I think within the context of all that, you know, you mentioned earlier on the idea of
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  of almost rewriting your agreements, right, and changing the agreements, and and that's a
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  perfect example of it.
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  I'm like, well, for some people, they might want, hey, to feel cozy or feel this way or to
• 21:27
  be communicated this way, and this is, you know, maybe, like, looking at the at the sex
• 21:32
  toy toys is, like, great, and that's enough, or saying these things to at least acknowledging
• 21:37
  desire is enough, and that feels great.
• 21:39
  And I think it's and for other people, they might need other things.
• 21:42
  So I think it's just a really good example around, like, there aren't rules on this other
• 21:47
  than the ones that we place on ourselves and on our relationship, and where wherever that is as
• 21:53
  new parents, like, that conversation around how can you at least keep some level of this erotic
• 21:59
  energy alive even if it's not engaging in, like like, what you're saying, like, the the
• 22:05
  frequency and tracking and all that.
• 22:07
  So I think it's it's such beautiful advice.
• 22:11
  And so we're gonna wrap up here in a moment for part one.
• 22:14
  I wanna make sure everybody knows about your work as well as what we're talking about in
• 22:19
  part two, which is in part two, we're gonna have a really good conversation on domination
• 22:26
  and submission and how this can be a healing part.
• 22:30
  And I know that so many people listening are at such wide varieties of the spectrum with this
• 22:36
  conversation, some people being very experienced here and other people thinking,
• 22:41
  like, this would never be for me.
• 22:44
  It's really interesting.
• 22:46
  Like like, one of the things I'll share here is, like, the first time I was ever tied up
• 22:52
  with Japanese, Shibari ropes, it was amazing to me what happened to my nervous system where,
• 23:02
  you know, being with a partner who I deeply trusted and everything relaxed.
• 23:09
  Right?
• 23:09
  And it was, like, so fascinating to be in this position of, like, submission and feel my
• 23:15
  nervous system move into some of, like, the deepest relaxation, you know, probably of my
• 23:21
  entire life at that point.
• 23:23
  So, you know, if you're listening, it's like there's so many different ways that we can heal
• 23:28
  from this, and so in part two, I'm gonna ask Violet to take us through, like, some of the
• 23:33
  safety around us, how do we start, how can we heal, and so much more.
• 23:37
  So make sure you look in our show notes for how to access that.
• 23:41
  I want people to know though a little bit about like you and your work and and how people work
• 23:46
  with you, so tell us a little bit about that.
• 23:48
  Thank you so much.
• 23:50
  Yeah, my website is violetlang.com.
• 23:52
  You can find out more about my work there, but I'll admit, it's not super up to date because I
• 23:56
  have a seven month old, and so I'm not updating it as fast as I would like.
• 24:01
  But I have a few offerings that relate to sexuality and others that relate to more like
• 24:05
  dating and finding a partner if you're single.
• 24:08
  My sexuality course is called sacred sexuality, and it's about moving sexual energy through all
• 24:13
  of the chakras and linking that to different parts of the body.
• 24:16
  So you may not realize that, like, our g spot and our third eye are energetically connected,
• 24:21
  and you can we can yeah.
• 24:23
  I won't go into all the details on that.
• 24:25
  But and then my husband and I work with couples, and we have a program called
• 24:29
  evolutionary couples or a self paced program called 12 epic dates where you can go through
• 24:35
  and practice everything from polarity to kink to talking about finances.
• 24:40
  It's supposed to help create more erotic energy in your relationship and have a lot more fun
• 24:45
  while still covering some of the things that get in the way of a thriving sex life, like
• 24:49
  resentments and trust issues.
• 24:52
  Amazing.
• 24:53
  Oh, so such great giveaways and offerings.
• 24:56
  So thank you for all that.
• 24:57
  We'll have all of that in the show notes, and thank you everybody for listening.
• 25:01
  We will see you on another episode of the Lounge real soon.
• 25:04
  Ciao for now.
• 25:08
  Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
• 25:10
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 25:12
  Please share this with your friends.
• 25:14
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.