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Winning the Argument vs. Winning the Marriage: Stop Fighting Dirty · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for April 2nd, 2026 Winning the argument versus winning
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  the marriage. Stop fighting dirty.
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  One big way our parents' marriage programmed us is how we communicate.
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  If your folks screamed at each other, there's a good chance you do the same
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  and don't see that as a problem.
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  But some people go the other direction, becoming super sensitive to not only
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  loud, but also passionate or energetic conversation.
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  Differences about this can be a massive marriage issue.
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  She yells naturally, but he feels abused when she does so. He becomes animated,
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  and she feels threatened.
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  They are unable to communicate because one is too busy dealing with feeling
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  disrespected or attacked to hear the words being shared.
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  The obvious solution is for the louder or more animated spouse to dial it back,
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  but that's a very difficult thing to do.
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  They communicate as they do because it's how they were taught to deal with differences
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  since before they can even remember. Then there's another issue.
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  Because of what one spouse saw growing up, toxic communication may have become normalized.
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  Examples include swearing or ugly words, baseless accusations or questions of
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  integrity, strong sarcasm, Dramatic exits with slamming doors.
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  Leaving for hours with no communication.
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  The silent treatment possibly continued until the other caves.
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  Withholding affection or sex. Refusing to do household tasks you have both agreed are your job.
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  Pushing it even further, there's the destruction of property,
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  which is crossing into abuse. None of these are designed to facilitate communication.
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  They are not about discussing things. They are about winning by beating the other person down.
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  Its words is warfare, and all is fair in war. One particularly bad version of
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  this is the divorce threat.
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  We know a woman who threatened divorce every time she and her husband got into an argument.
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  Outside of fights, she said she didn't mean it. But it cut him each time she
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  did it, which is probably why she kept doing it.
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  All this is about winning an argument.
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  But if you win, that means your spouse loses.
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  And if either of you loses, your marriage loses.
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  Each argument you have of your spouse is an opportunity to move closer together.
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  But to achieve that, you have to get rid of your tactics and your desire to
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  win. The next time you argue, don't try to win.
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  Honestly express your thoughts and feelings as non-confrontationally as you can.
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  Listen to your spouse and ask for clarification when you don't understand.
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  Then work towards understanding and look for a way to move forward that allows
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  both of you to feel heard and respected.
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  This is Paul, and both of you winning is Doing Marriage Well.
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  Related article, From Toxic Arguments to Constructive Disputes,
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  Ending Dirty Fighting, from the Ananias Foundation. There's a link in the show notes.