Latest / Rise & Realign: Conversations for the Sensitive Soul / Ep 25 | Why You Say "Yes" When You Mean "No": Understanding the Sensitive Nervous System

Transcript

Ep 25 | Why You Say "Yes" When You Mean "No": Understanding the Sensitive Nervous System · Rise & Realign: Conversations for the Sensitive Soul

0:01
Welcome to Rise and Realign, Conversations for
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the Sensitive Soul. I'm Melissa, and this space
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is for those of us who feel deeply, love fiercely,
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and sense the world in ways that are hard to
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explain but impossible to ignore. Here, we honor
0:23
your sensitivity as a strength, not something
0:27
to fix. Through reflections, realignment, and
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soul -led stories, we remember how to move through
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life in a way that feels true to who we really
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are. This is your space to rise, to realign,
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and to come home again and again to your own
0:52
wise, sensitive self. So today, I wanted to talk
1:02
about something that's come up in some recent
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sessions. A lot of people refer to it as people
1:11
pleasing behavior. But when it comes to, you
1:16
know, being a sensitive woman, especially, right?
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Like, it's important to understand that there's
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a different nuance and lens to look at, again,
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what many people call people pleasing behavior.
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So the way I approach it may not be how you've
1:37
heard from others, you know, just might not be
1:40
the way you expect. But again, this topic is,
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you know, not here to shame anyone or even to
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fix it. It's more about understanding it because,
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again, as sensitive individuals, right, highly
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sensitive individuals, meaning, you know, we're
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in that minority of the population, roughly 20%,
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right, who have a more finely tuned nervous system.
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And so we're feeling so much more from our environment,
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whether that's other people, Right. Whether it's
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animals, you know, energy, however you are experiencing
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it. Right. Like it's important to understand
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that for sensitive individuals, people pleasing.
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isn't, you know, it's not a character flaw, because
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it's often a deeply wired nervous system response,
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right? That at one point along our journey, it's
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what kept us feeling safe, right? But as we develop
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and can understand ourselves better and how conditioning
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may have impacted, you know, how we're showing
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up in the world and, you know, what we're feeling
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and thinking, right? Like it's important to become
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more aware, you know, because when we're repeatedly
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saying yes and ignoring our body's own signals,
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you know, we're getting depleted way faster,
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right? And we don't really recognize this as
3:29
a form of self abandonment, right? So, again,
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I am always here to honor each one of our journeys,
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and how unique they are, because it does depend
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what age, what stage, what phase of life there,
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to understand, you know, what our journey is
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like. So for me, you know, when I am working
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with a woman one -on -one or in a group session,
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and I'm hearing the explanation for what they're
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doing, right? When I'm hearing how they're thinking
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about the behavior, right? Like we don't always
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recognize it when we're in it. And I certainly
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can remember probably, gosh, I think it was like.
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15 or 16 years ago, I remember I was doing this
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neuro positive life coaching program and really
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delved into neuroscience and quantum physics
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and positive psychology, spiritual psychology,
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like really got out of the whole, you know, pathologizing
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of our experiences and really came to understand
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it from a broader perspective. We had a project
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as part of this, this training. And, you know,
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we needed to ask those who knew us well, you
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know, like, what were some of our very positive
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qualities? And, you know, repeatedly, you know,
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what I remember coming up was how, in a sense,
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selfless I was being. because I was being recognized
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for how, you know, often I would say yes to,
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you know, give generously to my loved ones, how
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I would show up, you know, yes, for my friends,
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for my family, for my career, how I would just
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keep giving, right? And it's hard to see sometimes
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how we are giving more than maybe we are receiving.
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And that's when we really get to this depleted
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state where then we're just dealing with frustration
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and irritability because in a sense, we've been
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abandoning ourself, right? We have been abandoning
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our own needs. But when we can take another step
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back and look at it through the lens of being
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a highly sensitive individual, there's a whole
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nother layer to this that is so worth exploring
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and understanding um and this is where again
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it gets it's interwoven right with our early
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conditioning um the beliefs that we inherited
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from our ancestors and those who raised us in
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our societal cultures right like they all kind
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of put these forms of blinders on us right or
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biases and but we've again had such a more finely
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tuned nervous system a higher responsivity to
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our environment and to what's happening that
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we've really had to find like okay well what
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keeps me safe right and maybe safe doesn't ring
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a bell for you maybe it's more of you know what
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calms things down what you know makes you feel
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like you can finally rest or or maybe what gives
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you a sense of peace right so we're often the
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ones more willing to give generously, right?
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And again, I honor all people on this planet.
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But for me, being a highly sensitive individual,
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and an awakened soul, it's really important,
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you know, that I keep speaking for and from that
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voice of being a highly sensitive individual.
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So what I really want to again, help you understand
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if you haven't considered it from this perspective,
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right, is that when you are willing to say okay,
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I'm going to do this thing that is going to help
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this person that I do care about, or it's going
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to help this relationship because I need to work
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with them, whether it's in a career capacity
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or a co -parenting capacity or just any kind
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of, you know, family or friend type of circle,
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right? Like, how often do you say yes to others
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and what they request? But you're sacrificing
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yourself and your needs in a sense, like you
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are saying yes to someone else's needs because
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you can see it. And you may see it as, well,
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I care about them. I want them to be well. I
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want them to be happy. I want them to have this
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win, right? Like you can certainly see it from
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that perspective. And then there's another perspective
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is like, well, But if I cooperate with their
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requests, right, if I compromise my own needs
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for them, you know, that could likely lessen
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their reactivity to something else, right? Like,
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so again, there's multiple ways to look at what
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many call people pleasing behavior. But when
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we're coming from the lens of being a sensitive
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soul, a sensitive woman, a sensitive individual,
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however, you know, that most resonates for you,
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it's really again about coming back to your own
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sensory intelligence, right? Like, what are you
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sensing? What are you feeling? What are you feeling
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about what's happening? Right? Like, is the feeling
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that, well, if I say yes, it'll give me the opportunity
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to have rest, to have peace, to feel safe. Right?
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Because when we can start to recognize that that
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may be why we're saying yes to others, to their
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requests, their demands, you know, their just
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ways of being, that's... their own type of pattern,
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us saying yes to it allows that to continue.
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It allows your own felt sense of safety and calmness,
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rest or peace to be externally controlled. And
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as long as we continue to live that path or that
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pattern, right? We never really find true peace.
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We never truly feel safe because that means there's
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always going to be someone else, some other situation,
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some other person, some other something that
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could, again, activate your nervous system response.
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And again, it's so important to understand why
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it shows up as highly sensitive individuals.
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Because you feel so deeply, right? You feel what
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other people feel. And so many amazing women,
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and again, I am so honored to walk this path
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with women among all different kinds of professions.
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And, you know, I'm talking scientists, professors,
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doctors, but also the mothers, you know, welcoming
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new children into this world. That's their focus,
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right? Like that's their leadership. You know,
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I, again, I see it all. I see the power in everybody's
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career path, not just those of us who have, you
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know, certain professions, right? Like we are
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all valuable. We are all valid. We are all needed.
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We are all having a very... deep experiences.
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Because remember, as sensitive individuals, one
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of the core components of it is this depth of
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processing. And that's not something that somebody
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can learn. You know, we are born this way. We
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are born with this sensory intelligence. And
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as we live, we learn. And often, in our earlier
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experiences, We learn to, again, what many people
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call people please, because it feels like that's
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what's necessary for us to feel safe, to feel
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calm, to get rest. And again, this is not ignoring
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when somebody is in, right, a more unsafe upbringing,
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right? There are certainly individuals who are
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born in homes where there is, you know, repetitive
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neglect, abuse, you know, things like that. So
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I'm talking in more of the broader sense of all
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sensitive individuals. And that we all develop
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these certain patterns of behavior that tell
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us this feels safer, right? Like this is how
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I can get my needs met in a sense. But oftentimes
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we don't see how we continuing it. We continue
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it forward even when we are in a phase or stage
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of our life where it is no longer serving us,
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right? It's not necessary anymore. It's something
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that we want to wake up to so that we can start
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stepping more in alignment with our truth, our
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voice, our rhythm, and being able to sense where
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someone else is having this, the experience,
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right? That's theirs. That's not ours. But we
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need to understand and feel what it feels like,
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right? Like we need to be able to ask those questions
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of ourself. Am I feeling his or her experience
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right now? Because of this depth of processing,
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right? This sensitivity to subtleties, right?
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Like you feel it quicker, deeper. As sensitive
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individuals, we walk this earth uncertain about
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where someone else is, where their vibe, their
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frequency ends, right? And where ours is. And
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this is really, really crucial, right? And it's
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very difficult to have that clarity. if you are
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not creating the space for yourself so that you
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can truly know yourself, know who you are, know
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what's true for you, because the more you're
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tuned into you and your own frequency, right?
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And what you know to be you, the easier it becomes
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to recognize like, oh, that's their experience
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and I'm feeling it. It's touching the edges of
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my, electromagnetic field right but you get to
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the point where it's like you don't allow it
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to infiltrate you you don't allow it to overtake
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you and that's something where it's really intentional,
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right? Where we're creating the space to know
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ourselves, to tune into ourselves, right? That's
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why in every one of my episodes, we do a breathing
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practice, right? Because your breath is your
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bridge. Like that's what helps you to come back
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into your body, to connect with your heart and
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know what your field is feeling like. Right?
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And the more we do that, the more we get that
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clarity around, oh, is this about them? Am I
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feeling what they're feeling? And I'm taking
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it on as this is now my job, right? My job to
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do what's going to help them feel better, even
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if it means it's going to deplete me. Right?
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Like if you were having that conversation with
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yourself, you would have more discernment. And
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that's something that's really essential to develop.
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All people, of course, is ideal, but especially
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as sensitive individuals, discernment is key.
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And so I often see my path, you know, as I'm
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guiding other sensitive women to this understanding
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this awareness, right, so they can wake up to
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the patterns that that have been operating under
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the surface, and really come back into alignment
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with again, their own inner voice, truth and
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rhythm. Let's just pause now. You know, let's
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do that. Nice slow inhale through your nose.
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Then another nice inhale. And then a nice long
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exhale out your mouth. Just let it all go. Right?
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We're taking a break. We're breathing love. Breathe
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in through your nose. And then another inhale.
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And now an exhale out your mouth. Again, just
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release, relax. Let it all go. And one more.
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Inhale through your nose. Another inhale. You
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are receiving on the inhale. Now nice exhale.
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You are releasing. And again, continue if you
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would like. The more is always. the merrier when
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it comes to breathing practices. I say one is
19:20
better than none. And doing it across your day
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is absolutely recommended. I'm a big fan of the
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number three. So I always say, you know, three
19:34
is great. But again, doing more is good too.
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Just depends on where you are right now and your
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ability to continue. So, but this is, this is
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what, you know, waking up to what it means to
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be a highly sensitive individual, right? This,
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there's so many complexities to how our neuroanatomy
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is functioning, how our nervous system is functioning,
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right? And I just, I'm grateful that, you know,
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I was awoken in 2008 to my divine understanding,
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right? That I'm eternal, I'm abundant, and I'm
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connected. And I had to learn, you know, by living,
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what does that really mean? How do we integrate
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this? new awareness into this earthly experience,
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right? Because we're all here on this earth school,
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some like to call it, right? But this earthly
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experience is not easy. And there is this extra
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layer of complexity, I find with those of us
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who are in that minority who are highly sensitive.
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But again, it's a gift when we can truly reel
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things back in and get more still with unwrapping
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the gifts within it, right? And that's what learning
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about being a highly sensitive individual has
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been for me, you know, and every step of the
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way. discovering like, oh, wow, I've done that
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for decades. And I can change that. Right. And
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believe me, I have certainly felt like up until
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my awakening, I didn't think I could change anything
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about myself. I thought I just am who I am, you
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know. You either love and accept me or you don't,
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and that's fine. But the awakening showed me
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something so much grander, something so vast
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and so beautiful and blissful. And it's something
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that despite the challenges that I went through
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afterwards, where I just felt like I was swimming
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in the dark, you know, and I didn't know how
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to understand everything, you know, but it all
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came back together over time. And, you know,
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you don't have to have a profound spiritual awakening
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like I did. I mean, there are all different types
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of experiences that people are having. and their
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own awakening journey. But this is definitely
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a time to come together. And I speak about that
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often because, you know, I feel again, as highly
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sensitive individuals, not everybody understands
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how you feel, how you process things and why
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you do it. I was often questioned, like, you're
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thinking about this too deeply, you know, or,
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you know, how come? Why are you still feeling
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that way? Why haven't you let that go yet? You
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know, and it's just like when I didn't have the
23:17
language to explain why I was doing what I was
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doing or why I was experiencing what I was experiencing,
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it sometimes made me feel like, well, okay, what's
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wrong with me then? You know, and that's not
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a fun question to ask ourselves. You know, that's
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something that got really old and I was willing
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to say no. there's other questions to ask there's
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nothing wrong with me there's things i don't
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yet understand about myself and i'm very curious
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and i'm very open and i want to learn as much
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as i can about how I'm designed, why I'm designed
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this way, right? What I'm a part of, how do I
23:59
show up in the world? You know, how do my patterns
24:03
affect my children, my family, you know, my circle
24:08
of friends, you know, the individuals who come
24:12
to work with me as my clients, you know, colleagues,
24:15
like I just. I just really wanted to understand.
24:19
I've been fascinated with the mind and consciousness
24:22
for over 30 years. So I'm hoping that this information
24:34
is giving you a new perspective and possibility
24:40
to understand yourself. in a new light, you know,
24:45
in a more loving light. And I know it's not easy.
24:50
We don't just change overnight. I mean, I was
24:53
changed overnight, but there was still so much
24:56
to learn and understand. And again, everything
25:03
has its own timing. And trusting in your timing
25:08
is something else that I really care about. um,
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speaking to, you know, wherever you are on your
25:15
journey, you know, whether this is the first
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time you're hearing about, you know, there being
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roughly 20 % of the population being highly sensitive
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and, um, you know, it's true. It's scientifically
25:30
validated, you know, and I have been continually
25:36
called to share and educate about this in a variety
25:41
of different ways over the past 15 years. And,
25:45
you know, if you're recognizing, you know, your
25:51
own people pleasing or overgiving as a sensitive
25:56
woman or any of the other things that I've shared,
25:59
you know, maybe, maybe you're... You've had your
26:02
own spiritual awakening and you haven't yet found
26:05
another person who understands it or a circle
26:10
of people, right? Like, know that I'm here. I
26:14
felt very alone as someone who was waking up
26:18
spiritually and having a greater understanding
26:21
of life. And it's not always fun when you don't
26:27
have somebody who can talk about the things that
26:29
you're curious about, you know? But I'm here
26:32
and I have been quietly creating for quite some
26:37
time now a essentials course for sensitive and
26:43
strong women. And it is called Your Sensitivity
26:48
Is Intelligent Design. It's a science informed
26:54
course. As I said, for sensitive and strong women
26:58
who are ready to understand their sensitive system
27:03
as an intentional design. It is in no way a weakness
27:09
nor a flaw that you need to fix. if you're interested
27:16
in this essentials course you will learn how
27:20
to rise up out of some of the patterns that i've
27:23
mentioned today you know what it means or feels
27:27
like to get waterlogged and to self -abandon
27:31
and you'll also create your own personal realignment
27:36
map throughout this course And it's a hybrid.
27:41
So you'll go through the lessons on your own.
27:44
There's written and video content there. And
27:48
then you're also invited to walk together with
27:53
me and others across the year in the four seasonal
27:59
threshold gatherings called Sensitivity Realignment
28:05
Spiral. And the first one is at the summer solstice.
28:10
So if this is feeling aligned for you, then you
28:18
can learn more at realignwithmelissa .com. It
28:26
truly is an honor for me to share this information
28:29
because I've seen it. repeatedly change women's
28:34
lives. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to
28:39
support these sensitive and strong women through,
28:42
you know, their dips and in their journey, you
28:47
know, through their unexpected turns, right?
28:51
Like, all is welcome, you know. So before we
28:59
close, I invite you to return to your breath,
29:04
to your body, to what feels true for you right
29:10
now. There's nothing you need to fix. Just notice
29:16
what's here. Where the heart leads, the body
29:22
remembers, and the soul awakens. As a reminder,
29:29
We are here together to rise, reclaim, remember.
29:36
And as always, I'm so grateful you're here. And
29:42
if you'd like, you can also sign up for my weekly
29:46
Rise and Realign Lunar Letter. Everything can
29:50
be found at realignwithmelissa .com. Take good
29:56
care of you. Much love and light.