Latest / What The Heck with Matt Bellassai / Patti LuPone Goes To War, Eating 67 Wieners, and Neil The Seal Returns?!

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Patti LuPone Goes To War, Eating 67 Wieners, and Neil The Seal Returns?! · What The Heck with Matt Bellassai

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Who knows? Am I capable of love?
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Am I capable of being loved? Stay tuned.
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Stay tuned to find out. We may never get the answer.
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Welcome back to what the heck with Matt Bellassai, a podcast
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about what the heck is going on, what the heck is happening and
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all the things that make me say what the heck.
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We made it to July folks straight pride month.
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We're we're in the thick of it. July already gets on my nerves
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because people start firing off those fireworks and they don't
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stop. I think the deadline for
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fireworks be 1:00 AM July 5th. I'll give you one hour after
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midnight to wrap that shit up and then it's lights out.
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Fireworks are so scary to me, partly because growing up, my my
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aunt was dating a man who had to wear an eye patch because he
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lost an eyeball because of a firework incident.
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It's like, Oh my God, I really grew up with like a living,
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walking like life lesson to be like, don't be like Bill.
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Bill lost his eyeball. I don't know if it was Bill's
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fault or if he was just kind of a victim of someone else's
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stupidity. The ways it was explained to me
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was like, I think it was kind of like partly his fault.
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Not to just get right into victim blaming a firework
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victim. But yeah, growing up every 4th
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of July, it was just like, my mom was already someone who is
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like deeply concerned about literally everything and like,
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having someone that she could literally point to to be like,
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this is what will happen if you fuck with fireworks.
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I was like Jesus, RIP Bill. I don't really know what
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happened to him. He kind of he kind of like left
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the picture at some point. And I don't really I didn't
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really follow up. I was a child.
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But no, I watched, I watched the 4th of July fireworks on a
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friend of mine has like a building near the Brooklyn
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Bridge where you can kind of see the fireworks and isn't saying
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that they are just strapping like thousands of pounds.
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I'm just making that up. But literally like hundreds and
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hundreds of fireworks. They're strapping to the
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Brooklyn Bridge explosives and then they're setting them off
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and we're like, yay. And it looks like we're under
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attack. It did start on fire.
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I did the Brooklyn Bridge started on fire and it was like,
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it was like a small fire. But the New York Times did like
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a story about how there was a fire that broke out from the
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firework show, and it quoted someone who was like, I'm a
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native New Yorker, and I know that is not supposed to happen.
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And it was like, OK, you don't have to be a native New Yorker
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to know the Brooklyn Bridge shouldn't be on fire.
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It's just so funny the way that they quoted this person being
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like, yeah, that I, I know not everybody knew.
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I know that you're not. It's not supposed to be on fire.
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It's like, yeah, no, I think we all kind of knew that something
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was up when the flames started licking the sky.
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Anyway, that's sort of what's been happening with me.
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I am in a room by myself recording this.
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Producers Barry and Erica are we're, we're zooming in here.
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But anyway, I'm surviving. We were in July.
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We're chugging along. Summer is underway.
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Let's get into what the heck is happening this week first.
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Guess who's back? Guess who's back in the house,
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RuPaul? Neil, the seal is back.
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Neil, The seal is a seal that lives in Tasmania.
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Tasmania. Australia.
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I don't it's Tasmania. Tasmania is in Australia.
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Or is Tasmania in New Zealand? OK.
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Tasmania is in fact an Australia.
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Oh, it's like an island off of Australia.
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Here's the thing about Australia.
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Cause like you see Australia on a, on, on a map that we use here
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in the United States. And it's kind of like, oh, look
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at it. It's like a small little place
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that's down in the corner. No, Australia, one of the
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biggest places on Earth. The problem is, like most of it
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is literally uninhabitable because it's like a ball of
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fire. But yeah, it takes like, I don't
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know, 8 hours or something to fly from one side of Australia
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to the other. That's longer than it is to fly
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across America and they don't tell you that when you're
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learning about Australia. I remember in like 3rd or 4th
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grade, we had to do, everybody got assigned a different country
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and you had to do like a little report on your country.
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And my country was Australia and it was about like what food and
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and drinks that they eat and stuff like that.
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I got it so wrong because then we all had to bring like a food
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that was like an example of the foods that they eat there.
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And you know what food I brought that represented Australia?
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Sliced up bananas. I was like, yeah, I guess they
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fucking eat bananas. I have.
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I have literally no idea why I came up with that.
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Don't remember what the drink was, but also like what are
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Australian people eating? Well, obviously we all know
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they're eating bloom and onions. Of course.
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I'll never forget when I learned that Outback Outback Steakhouse
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was founded by a just a man from Florida fake a fake Australian.
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I mean, I guess Australia is kind of the Florida or Florida
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is the Australia of America in that I'm deeply afraid to go to
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either place. I, I think that Australians are
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hotter than Floridians, I'll say that much.
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I think we can generally agree that if I'm presented with an
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Australian or a person from Florida, I'm choosing the
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Australian. They were sort of the benchmark
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for the, the current model of man 'cause like, I don't know,
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the latest model of guy that they came out with has like a
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mullet and like, you know, a mustache, a thick mustache and
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he wears like a trucker hat. That model was rolled out in
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Australia 4050 years ago. Anyway, the whole reason I
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brought this up was cause Neil the Seal.
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Neil the Seal is a famous seal. He's been famous for about four
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or five years now. Who is terrorizing the people of
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Tasmania? I guess like once a year Seals
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come out to like molt. I don't really, I don't think
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they're doing like a full kind of Slytherin out of a cocoon
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style like snake thing, right? Seals don't do that.
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I can't imagine a full blown seal like molting out of its
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skin. But I do think they like come
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ashore to shed basically. And the first year, Neil the
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SEAL, who was this like crazy seal, everyone was like, oh,
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look at this guy. And then he started kind of like
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terrorizing people and like breaking into their backyards
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and like destroying their shit. And he's become sort of like a
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local celebrity. I firmly believe that every town
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should have like 1 local menacing animal that you have to
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pay your respects to lest it wreak havoc on the townspeople.
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I love that. I love that there's just kind of
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like this creature that will destroy the community unless it
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is appeased there. There's something that is very
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sort of, you know, biblical about that.
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I love that. I love when like a establishment
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has like a sign that's like watch out for that goose cause
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he'll he'll kill you. I love that geese.
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Geese are big raccoons and squirrels can be a big, big
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menaces. Famously, I had a squirrel that
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broke into my first apartment 'cause I left the window open
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and there was no screen on the window.
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So it's more like I invited a squirrel into my apartment.
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Anyway, the point is, I love Neil the Seal.
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I love that he is back in the the headlines.
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I love that he's terrorizing those people.
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I feel like every, every town needs a Neil the Seal that keeps
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them in check. And if you don't do his bidding,
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people die. I firmly believe that.
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Let Neil the Seal determine our fates and who knows what the
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hell is happening in Tasmania. I don't know what's happening
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down there. I don't like the sound of it.
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That's where that the the Tasmanian Devil was my favorite
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Looney Tune. I fucking love the Tasmanian
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Devil. I used to have his character
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from Space Jam in a little stuffed animal that I believe I
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got from McDonald's back when McDonald's used to have actually
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good toys. Who who knows what the fuck kids
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are getting from McDonald's these days.
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What kind of toys are kids getting from McDonald's?
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An iPad I bet. Oh oh you get it.
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You get a screen in your happy meal.
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Fuck off. No, we were getting Beanie
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Babies and people were killing one another over them.
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Mini Beanie Babies. There used to be so many good
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McDonald's toys that the kids are just not getting any more.
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When I go to McDonald's, I don't even see.
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They're not even like advertising.
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You know, it used to be they would have, they would have the
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little display, it would be like a little museum display that
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they would have all of the toys, you know, for show and you can
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be like, oh, I hope I get that one.
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And then sometimes if you didn't get the one that you wanted, you
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could go to the person and be like, can you just dig around in
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the little bin back there and give me this one?
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Sometimes they would do it. There was 1 summer where I
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remember that it was the Beanie babies, the little mini Beanie
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Babies. And we drove around to like
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several McDonald's in the Chicagoland area to try to get
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every one of the Beanie Babies. Something was seriously wrong
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with all of us. Something was seriously wrong
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with the people who were determined to collect all of the
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Beanie Babies. And I guess it's like, you know,
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evil reinvents itself. La Boo boo's, you know, it's
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just like we're on this cycle of everybody kind of going fucking
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crazy. Anyway, shout out to Neil the
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Seal. Shout out to Tasmania.
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Moving on. Everybody has been hearing about
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this story, at least in my friend group, because there is a
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diarrhea virus spreading across the country giving people
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absolutely explosive shits. Shout out to everybody who whose
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ass has been blown out so hard that they're like, this must be
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a parasite. I just love that every news
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reporter who talks about this story has to somehow talk around
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the fact that this parasite gives you explosive diarrhea
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'cause that's every story is like, you get this parasite,
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your ass is going to look like when the Wile E Coyote
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accidentally takes a or. No, when Elmer Fudd fires his
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shotgun at Bugs Bunny and the end of the shotgun looks like
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it's, you know what I'm talking about.
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Yeah, it's, it's fucking people up.
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One of our friends thought that they had it, and I was like, I
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don't know, that's kind of insane, apparently.
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So I was looking into it. Long story short, there is a
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parasite that gives you explosive diarrhea.
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People are are blowing out their assholes because of this
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parasite. And it comes from fresh produce.
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I guess it's like, it's not like a new parasite.
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This has been around for a long time.
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And it kind of like spikes in the spring and the summer
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because that's when people are eating more fresh produce and
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the produce has got, you know, little buggies on it.
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That's why I'm not eating fresh produce.
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That's why I say you're giving me the processed foods.
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I'll take my bag of chip. Bag of chips doesn't have
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parasite in it. Brownie doesn't have parasite in
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it. That's what you get for wanting
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to be healthy and eat fresh romaine lettuce.
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Enjoy. Enjoy shitting your whole
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asshole out. Enjoy shitting your intestines
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out because you just couldn't help yourself from eating eating
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a romaine lettuce. I think it said it was on like
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cilantro. It was on.
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And don't even get me fucking started on cilantro.
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I don't understand. What do you mean some people
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taste soap? What do you mean you have the
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gene that makes cilantro taste like soap.
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I think people are making that up.
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I just think it's like, you're fucking with me.
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What do you mean? What do you mean cilantro?
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The plant tastes like something completely different to you
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because of something in your DNA.
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No, you're just being a little pussy bitch.
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Eat the fucking cilantro. I also don't like that cilantro
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and coriander are the same thing.
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There's a lot of there's a lot that pisses me off about
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cilantro. Barry's looking confused, but I
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know him. I'm right.
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This is absolutely news to me. I had no idea this is breaking
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news. Cilantro and coriander are the
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same fucking thing. Yeah.
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I don't know if the coriander is specifically like the ground up
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version of cilantro or if it's like some cultures just refer to
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cilantro as coriander. Yeah, it's fucked up, but I do
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support not eating it because it might give you explosive D.
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Next, Patti Lu Pone is helming a cruise full of gay men that is
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now at war with the country of Turkey.
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I guess. So I this sort of came to my
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attention on 4th of July weekend.
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Patti Lu Pone posted this Instagram message saying
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essentially, let me let me just pull it up.
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First of all, beautiful color. She chose this beautiful pink
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background, beautiful lavender background and wrote this
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message notes app apology style where she said I am shocked the
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Atlantis cruise I'm performing on next week has been banned
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from entering Turkey. A ship.
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A magnificent ship full of gay men and me poetry.
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A ship. A magnificent ship full of gay
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men and me denied entry to Turkey simply because of who is
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on board. I am furious, but I am sailing.
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I'm laughing. But I mean, it is like, kind of
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a horrific story. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
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But it's just like the drama. You just can.
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I just can hear Patti Lupone's voice delivering this message.
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So theatrically, this is the Jenna Maroni Award for Living
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Life. What is it the Tony for living
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theatrically in In normal life. That is the Patti Lupone Award
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and you could just. This is the most theatrical
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written statement that you could imagine, she said.
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I am furious, but I am sailing as the ship will make other
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ports of call. I'm ready to perform for all of
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the wonderful men on this Atlantis cruise who deserve so
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much better than this. So Shadow 2 gay pioneer Patti
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Lupone, who is Yeah, she's literally fighting the battle
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for gay rights on the high seas, just just like the many pirates
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who came before her. Yeah, I guess the full story is
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that like the this, the like the, I guess the government of
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Turkey just kind of like straight up denied this cruise
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the ability to to port in Turkey because it was a gay cruise.
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Has no gay cruise ever attempted to port in Turkey before?
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Or is this just like happens to be the first time that they got
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turned away? Is there some type of new person
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in charge? I would have loved it if the
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government of Turkey was like, this has nothing to do with them
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being gay and has everything to do with the fact that we side
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with Andrew Lloyd Webber in the great Andrew Lloyd Webber versus
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Patti Lupone war. We're only not letting this boat
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in because we believe Andrew Lloyd Webber was right not to
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cast Patti Lupone in the Broadway production of Evita.
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She he was right to recast her with Glenn Close.
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I love that Patti Lu Pone has kind of like a blood feud, like
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a centuries old blood feud with Andrew Lloyd Webber.
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She hates that man all because I I think the Long story short is
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like he she was initially the star of Evita or was it Sunset
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Blvd., one of the two. And it they were like putting on
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the production on the West End in London.
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And then when it moved to Broadway, he had like promised
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that it was going to be Patty who who moved with the role, but
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then ended up recasting her with Glenn Close.
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And she reportedly like destroyed her, destroyed her
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dressing room and has kind of vowed to never work with him
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again. And like has just trashed him
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throughout the years. And in fact, I think she ended
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up suing him for that for like, kind of like because they did
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have a contract and she used the winnings to build a pool in her
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backyard, which she calls the Andrew Lloyd Webber Memorial
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Pool. Just a true hater.
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You have to love the Patti Lupone putting in the absolute
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work to do some good old version hating and I love that for her.
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And I fear for the government of Turkey after this what she's
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going to be doing because you've crossed the one woman that I
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certainly would not cross. Just as a Fact Check.
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It was Sunset Blvd. not Avida. It was Sunset Blvd.
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I think they had worked together previously on Avida maybe and
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then And so it's like they had this pre-existing relationship.
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And so she felt especially spurned.
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And nobody spurns the Patti Lupone.
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But rest assured, she is performing for those gay men,
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those beautiful, beautiful men and her.
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And finally, in terms of what the heck is happening this week,
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there's drama in the Tiktok cake community.
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Are you guys aware of this? Oh, it's heating up.
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People's lives are being destroyed over cake on Dektok.
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It is actually terrifying. OK, let me try to summarize this
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in a neat, quick way. So there's this one woman who is
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a popular recipe developer and like she, she posts these videos
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and she made a video recently accusing someone of violating
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her copyright by posting a recipe that she had made for
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Fruity Pebbles cake pops. And this woman was basically
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like, guys, I've said this before.
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She was making, she was like making a recipe while she was
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filming this video. And she was like, guys, I've
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said this before, but you're not allowed to take recipes from my
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cookbook and post them on TikTok.
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A lot of people have done this before.
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And like, there is a copyright on my cookbook.
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And if you post my recipe, like I'm going to send you like a
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message telling you to take it down.
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And if you don't, then like, I'm going to get my lawyers
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involved. This other account, the person
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that she accused, made a video where she was like.
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Cry, she's crying in her car being like, I just got this like
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threat from this woman. I'm like a small creator.
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I just started my business. I had no idea that this was like
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not a thing you're supposed to do.
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And she's like putting me on blast and threatening me with a
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lawsuit. And she was she gave such like,
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you know, a an empathetic story that people went back and were
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like attacking that other woman. They were like, we're going to
20:47
burn your house down. I actually, I hope that Fruity
20:50
Pebbles factory explodes in your house.
20:53
It was insane. It but and people were like,
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girl, you put a copyright on a recipe with Fruity Pebbles and
21:00
box cake mix. Like, let's be so for real.
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So it's just like the the drama unfolded from there and and it
21:09
was people really attacking this woman for for like claiming to
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have a copyright over this recipe.
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A lot of legal experts, not experts like I I also know as
21:20
someone who makes food content on the Internet, you cannot
21:24
copyright a recipe. A recipe is something that it
21:27
cannot be copyrighted because it's technically like just
21:31
instructions. It's not actually, like, in the
21:35
same way that you can't, like, you can't copyright instructions
21:40
for how to put together a bookshelf.
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Like it's not copyrightable material.
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And it's why food creators have to, like, kind of get inventive
21:49
in the way that they make money from stuff.
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It's like, yeah, you can package everything in like, a cookbook
21:56
with photographs and like, stories before all the recipes.
22:00
And like you can copyright the like presentation of it and the
22:03
packaging of it, but you can't would actually copyright the
22:06
recipe itself. So people are fully free to copy
22:10
your recipe and repost it. Also, that's like how your
22:14
recipes spread on the Internet. I mean, like ideally they would
22:18
they would like credit you, but I don't know.
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It's like you can't. Also, you're using Fruity
22:24
pebbles and cake mic. The point is the the point I
22:28
really want to make and the why this story kind of drives me
22:31
crazy is that the woman who initially did the like calling
22:35
out people really dogged on her. And then she made a video where
22:40
she said she was like, I'm 100% wrong.
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I had the wrong information. I thought I could copyright my
22:47
recipes. I learned that that was wrong.
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Like I did not expect this to spiral out of control.
22:53
I want to apologize to this person.
22:55
I want us to move on. Like, I learned my lesson and
23:00
the way that people were still, like, trying to destroy her is
23:05
so crazy to me. It's like you have to let people
23:08
be wrong and learn and then like, grow.
23:11
It's like it'd be one thing if this person has had strike after
23:14
strike after strike and they keep doing it, but to like so
23:19
viciously attack someone who has, as far as I can tell, done
23:26
like hasn't really done anything else worthy of attack her.
23:31
She said she was sorry. She's trying to make it better.
23:34
It just is upsetting to me when I see someone being so viciously
23:39
attacked after they've made one mistake and they try to make up
23:43
for it. And it's like you got to chill.
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And the way that people are, they're making like, you know,
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like videos where they're re enacting her apology video and
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they're in like a wig and crazy make up.
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And it's like they you have to be at a certain point it's like
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you're just guilty of the thing that you're accusing this person
24:07
of being guilty of. So everyone needs to chill out.
24:11
It's not that deep. It's just a fruity Pebble cake
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pop. I know that one girl was upset
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and she got her apology and now her account is doing very well
24:20
and I'm glad for her. I'm not like trying to take one
24:23
side over the other. I'm I'm just like, I think
24:27
people have to have more grace for people to like make
24:30
mistakes. It's so scary now that you can
24:33
make a mistake and like people will try it to destroy your life
24:37
over it without giving you the chance to actually do better.
24:42
Or the assumption that like you are, oh, you're only making an
24:48
apology because it was starting to affect your business.
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Oh, you're only apologizing because people called you out.
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And it's like, that shouldn't be your default assumption about
24:57
someone. Let them try to make it better
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first. And if it if they continue
25:02
fucking up, then you can destroy their life.
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If they make one more mistake, then it's lights out.
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But until then, like, have a little bit more grace.
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All right, let's get into my what the hecks for the week, the
25:21
things that are making me say what the heck?
25:23
1st, I believe restaurants should legally have to disclose
25:29
if the drink that you are ordering is going to come in a
25:33
ridiculous shaped glass or with an absolutely stupid
25:37
presentation. Because I'm I'm being made to
25:41
look like a fool because I ordered what I believe to be a
25:44
simple beverage and then I get one of the most ridiculous
25:48
mountains of ice and a crazy ass straw and now I'm looking like a
25:54
damn fool in this restaurant because you're carrying over an
25:58
absolute shit show of a drink. I have an aversion to whatever
26:04
compels someone to order fajitas at a restaurant and get the
26:08
whole restaurant to look at them.
26:10
I'm the opposite of that. I don't want to look like a damn
26:12
fool. I don't want anybody turning
26:14
their heads because of what I ordered.
26:16
And some of these places are are using cocktail glasses and
26:23
presenting their cocktails in ways that are humiliating to me.
26:28
I was at a a bar recently and I was waiting for someone and I
26:33
decided I was waiting for a little while.
26:35
And so I was like, I'm just going to order a drink.
26:37
Happy hour's almost over. Yeah.
26:40
Did I get a Peach Bellini? Sure.
26:43
Should I maybe have questioned whether it would have come in a
26:46
a little bit of a gay presentation?
26:49
Probably. I'm.
26:50
I'll put a picture of it up. But this waitress carried over a
26:55
It looked like a snow cone in a copper mug.
26:59
It was a mountain of ice that was cresting the top of the
27:04
glass. So every time I went to move the
27:07
glass, an avalanche of ice would fall off of it.
27:10
So now the person I'm waiting for is going to walk into me,
27:14
walk into me with a mountain of ice in front of me, throw a
27:18
puddle all over the table. No, I could have just had my
27:21
Peach Bellini in peace. But now I have to look like a
27:25
Dang fool because you decided to to serve it like a clown.
27:30
And this is there's an epidemic of this happening.
27:33
Places are trying to get too fancy with the way that they
27:36
present drinks. Like you go to these places.
27:39
One of my favorite genres of food video on the Internet is
27:46
restaurants that try to get fancy with their presentation
27:51
but it only ends up looking like absolute slop shit from a butt
27:55
hole. There's there's like some places
28:01
I've seen that will put a bunch of like creamy Alfredo pasta
28:05
into a wine glass and present it on the plate upside down and
28:10
then they'll take the wine glass away and all of the all of the
28:14
creamy pasta just like flops out on the bottom.
28:18
Absolutely disgusting. One of the least appetizing
28:22
things I can imagine. Another version of that is
28:25
serving pasta in the giant wheel of Parmesan, where I'm like, in
28:29
theory that sounds kind of great.
28:32
In practice, I'm like, so you just have like a, a creamy wheel
28:36
of Parmesan that you're using for everybody's presentation.
28:40
You're just kind of slopping around this communal Parmesan
28:43
wheel, slapping that creamy noodle all around it.
28:47
I don't know, that's not sitting right with me when there's, when
28:50
there's diarrhea causing parasites in the air.
28:53
Give me a fresh bowl, give me a nice stainless steel bowl that I
28:57
can have my pasta prepared in because otherwise I'm throwing
29:01
up. They're doing stuff with smoke
29:04
where they're, they're adding like smokiness to things.
29:07
So the bartender will have like a little, he'll have like a
29:11
little smoke, a little charcoal machine and they puff smoke
29:14
under a little Dome. And then the the waiter brings
29:17
it to your table and goes and it takes it off like a wizard.
29:22
I'm here to get fucked up, OK? I'm not here to watch you do
29:25
magic tricks. I'm not here for you to be
29:28
fucking David Copperfield or whatever.
29:30
What's that guy's name? David Copperfield.
29:34
I always forget which one is David Copperfield, which one is
29:36
the magician and which one is Charles Dickens.
29:40
If they're the same, 'cause there's kind of two of them.
29:44
Yeah, David, his name was David Copperfield.
29:47
But yeah, I, I will never forget.
29:49
I was at, I was waiting for a date.
29:51
I was, I was going on a date. And that's why I and the guy was
29:55
30 minutes late. And this was, it's the one time
30:01
that I've ever been like, I might, I might get up and leave.
30:06
I will say he was very commutative about it.
30:08
And I like, I think both of us afterwards were like, I, we're
30:12
never seeing each other again. So I don't like, I, there's no,
30:16
I have no reason to like make this guy seem any better or
30:19
worse than he is. So I'm not like defending him,
30:23
but he like, you know, he was very commutative.
30:26
I think we had a misunderstanding about what time
30:28
we had actually like landed on for when to meet.
30:32
But I was waiting there for 1/2 hour and a happy hour was about
30:37
to be up. So I'm like, I'm getting a Peach
30:38
Bellini. And it came in that ridiculous
30:42
presentation. And then once he got there, I
30:44
was like, I'm going to switch and get a different, a different
30:47
drink. You know, it came in the fucking
30:50
same glass with the same mound of ice.
30:53
And his drink didn't come like that.
30:55
I just think if you're like, I cannot emphasize how many inches
31:00
of ice above the glass that this was of like crushed, crushed
31:05
ice, like a snow cone, but not even that fine.
31:09
It was more like, you know, the ice that's like the, I don't
31:11
know if it's like Sonic ice that is sort of like the cubed ice.
31:16
It's like the small shaved, shaved ice, solid 3 inches above
31:22
the glass. I would say.
31:23
So every time I moved it, there would just be an absolute
31:26
waterfall. Everybody was looking at me.
31:29
I bet they said look at that FAG with his Peach Bellini.
31:36
It was. It wasn't bad.
31:38
The other thing is like when you have that much ice in it, I'm
31:40
like, I can't even see how much beverage is in this.
31:43
For all I know, you're cheating me.
31:45
I want a clear glass where I can see all of the liquid and know
31:49
how far down I am. The point is, I think
31:53
restaurants legally have to tell you if the drink you're getting
31:57
is going to come in a ridiculous shape or with a ridiculous
32:01
presentation. I think they should have to say
32:03
that. So you can be like, on second
32:04
thought, I'm just going to have a beer.
32:07
I'm not even like crazy like I think people who are like, EW,
32:10
no, I don't want like a crazy Foo Foo looking gay drink.
32:14
No, give me a gay drink. I don't care.
32:16
But I I think like there's a limit.
32:17
I at least have like a diagram of what I'm getting so I can
32:21
decide whether I want to look foolish or not.
32:23
Next. This is really just a Love
32:28
Island rant. Love Island US is wrapping up
32:32
this week, but the men on Love Island are giving kind of a
32:36
master class on being the worst fucking person you could
32:40
possibly be. The men on Love Island US in
32:43
particular. But it's so fascinating to watch
32:46
because these men are using the words Your feelings are valid
32:52
like it's a get out of jail free card and it's making me sick.
32:57
They've they think that they've cracked some type of code where
33:00
if they just say your feelings are valid, they can literally do
33:04
whatever they want. They could, they could slap a
33:07
woman across the face and when she says ow, they would be,
33:10
they'd say, your feelings are valid and they think that
33:14
they're just going to get out of any consequences.
33:17
You should all be put in jail. I think, I don't know if
33:22
Guantanamo is still around or if we're still kind of wrapping
33:25
that up. But I think that the men of Love
33:29
Island, they should say, hey, we got a boat for you.
33:31
And they should bring the men of Love Island directly to
33:35
Guantanamo Bay and then do whatever that they were doing
33:38
back then because these men are getting away with far too much
33:43
by thinking that they just have an Uno reverse card with the
33:46
phrase your feelings are valid. There's something about Love
33:52
Island that my face, it's, it's giving me wrinkles because I'm
33:57
watching every, every episode of Love Island with my face
34:01
scrunched up in disgust at the behavior that I'm, I'm
34:04
witnessing. And so it's, it's making me sick
34:06
to my stomach and it's giving me wrinkles because I'm sitting
34:09
there like what you're putting up with this.
34:14
I think if I were on Love Island, I'd be like, I'm just,
34:17
I'm going to go home. I'm going to go.
34:19
I'm not really feeling any of you.
34:20
You're all kind of disgusting me.
34:22
And I don't really even care about this vacation.
34:26
I'm out And I would eat all of the snacks until they kick me
34:29
off. I will say the elevator repair
34:31
man that I was sort of dogging on initially, he grew on me.
34:35
I kind of fuck with him now And I I would let him repair an
34:38
elevator in my building. In fact, I would encourage it.
34:47
Next. One behavior that's really
34:50
pissing me off a lot lately is when one person stands in line
34:54
at the grocery store while the other person keeps shopping and
34:58
it brings all of their items back to the shopping cart.
35:00
Do you know what I'm talking about?
35:02
So I'm getting a lot of some Looks like you don't know what
35:04
I'm talking about. It might be specific to Trader
35:07
Joe's in New York because there are very long lines to get to
35:11
the to check out. And sometimes the lines will go
35:15
out the door and they won't even let people in until people have
35:19
come out. And there's times when, like the
35:21
line snakes up and down the the aisles and they have to have a
35:27
person that says that they're holding a little sign that says
35:31
the line starts here. And you have to find the person
35:33
like Waldo to find out how you check out to get all of your
35:37
microwave meals. And they have some people.
35:40
Some people think that they are gaming the system because they
35:42
get one person of the couple will stand in line and then the
35:46
other person will go and do all of the shopping and bring bring
35:50
stuff back to the cart. Get your ass out of this line.
35:54
I'll slap you across the face. You think you found some little
35:57
trick. No, you do your shopping, you
36:00
get what you get and then you get back in line.
36:04
And I was, I was trying to think like, OK, does this apply to
36:09
other forms of waiting in line? Because I've definitely, I'm
36:12
guilty of like a friend beats me to a place and then I join them
36:17
in line and you know, they're already in line.
36:20
But no, there's something different.
36:22
There's something different about holding your place in line
36:25
while you're still doing the thing that you're supposed to do
36:28
before. I know this doesn't matter to
36:30
anybody. I'm a real stickler for the
36:33
rules, but I think Trader Joe's is already kind of Joe's little
36:37
dictatorship. So why don't they just kind of
36:40
start enforcing those rules a little bit harder the second
36:43
those bags came out and Trader Joe's had to start kind of using
36:47
spray bottles on people to get them away from to keep them from
36:51
ravaging the tote bag stand. I think that's when they should
36:56
have said, OK, we're going to start, we're going to start
36:58
being a little stricter in the way that we enforce shit around
37:01
here. You do your shopping before you
37:03
get in line or, and the only other acceptable way to do this
37:07
is if you are in line that is snaking up and down the rows.
37:12
You grab stuff as you're in line but do not have someone wait for
37:18
you. I saw someone doing this the
37:21
other day and the line wasn't even that long.
37:23
It was like a full family. I was like get the fuck out of
37:26
here. Why are you bringing up the
37:28
whole family to Trader Joe's anyway?
37:30
This place is not big enough for a full family.
37:33
Also, Trader Joe's is not for families to shop.
37:36
It's for single people who need microwave meals to get through
37:39
the week. Go to a real grocery store.
37:43
If you have a family to feed, go to a real grocery store.
37:47
All right, now I think it's time for a call from the what the
37:50
heck hotline. But what the heck hotline?
37:52
Of course, the number that any of you can call to leave your
37:55
what the heck of the week. Whatever is making you say what
37:58
the heck? Four O 7.
38:00
WTH Matt? Let's hear this week's call.
38:06
Hey Matt. Hey Barry.
38:07
Hey team. I have a lot the heck for you.
38:10
And I guess you could boil it down to men talking like, is
38:16
there anything worse than you meet a guy?
38:18
You hang out the apps, whether it's in the wild, you take them
38:22
home. Great.
38:23
As Sabrina Carpenter said, bed Cam.
38:26
Then you're like, OK, let's see if there's anything here.
38:29
You meet up, coffee, hang out meal and you leave that and
38:34
you're like, I can never even look this person in the face
38:37
anymore. I don't want them to touch me.
38:39
I don't want to touch them. And you're like, why?
38:42
Why do I just it's also like you're out in the wild, you're
38:46
travelling and you have to like walk back to your hotel.
38:49
I have had the vibe ruined because the person, when I
38:51
stopped talking, the man would not stop talking on the way
38:54
home. Like I don't need your life
38:55
story, babe. Take the pants off.
38:57
Take the pants. Off.
39:01
Oh my God, That was such a roller coaster.
39:06
So that was like a roller coaster of thoughts.
39:08
At first I thought he was just kind of complaining about men,
39:11
but he specifically, he's talking about men talking.
39:15
And sometimes, yeah, the more that men talk, the the less good
39:19
it becomes. It's sometimes, yeah.
39:21
The more you hear a men's man speak, the more of an ick that
39:26
you get. I think that's kind of the the
39:28
risk with any man is like every word that he says is one more
39:33
chance to piss you off. And unfortunately, the odds are
39:37
pretty high that any man is going to piss you off.
39:40
I there was, this reminds me of, there was like a viral tweet on
39:44
gay Twitter this week where it was a Grinder screenshot, which
39:51
I always hate, but this one actually was funny.
39:54
And it was one guy being like, hey, can we meet up?
39:57
And the other guy being like, you don't want to like get to
40:00
know one another first. And the other guy was like,
40:04
honestly, sometimes it ruins it. And it's like, yeah, the
40:08
sometimes getting to know someone does in fact ruin it.
40:14
And it started off this kind of whole debate on gay Twitter of
40:18
whether like getting to know someone first is a good or a bad
40:23
thing. Like I for some people, some I'm
40:25
personally, I'm not really like this, but some people are really
40:29
like, you can just have sex with someone who is like, you know
40:33
absolutely nothing about. And that that can be like hotter
40:38
than actually getting to know someone first 'cause some
40:42
people, some people, it's like, yeah, we have a great physical
40:45
connection, but every word that you say is kind of like a dagger
40:49
to my ears. There have been people that I
40:52
have known biblically who I'm like, yeah, I don't really care
40:57
to hear your thoughts or opinions, but like, sure, I'll
41:03
touch neeners. I don't know.
41:10
I was going to say, like, in general, I find in, in my
41:15
experience that getting a guy to say much of anything is such an
41:21
uphill battle that even if they're talking nonsense, I'm
41:24
like, at least they're talking, at least they're saying
41:27
something 'cause some of these guys, I'm like, are are you just
41:31
like a horny rock? Like I feel like I'm I'm talking
41:35
to a wall that can only repeat a handful of horny phrases is and
41:41
I'm like, yeah, sure, sometimes you want to you want to just
41:44
kind of touch meaners with the rock.
41:46
But other times it's like I would like to have a little bit
41:49
of a conversation. Maybe I'm the guy who ruins the
41:53
vibe by talking too much. Anyway, yeah, it's tough out
41:59
there. I don't really know.
42:01
I think I've had to institute a little bit of a rule where it's
42:04
like, listen, we need to keep first dates to be a little bit
42:08
shorter 'cause I'm one of those people who can kind of vibe with
42:13
anybody. Like I, I'm one of those people
42:15
who I know, like if I'm going out with someone, I know I can
42:19
have a conversation with someone for a couple of hours and like
42:22
easily feel like, OK, this is like a nice conversation, but
42:28
sometimes it's like I can be too much of A people pleaser.
42:31
And it's like, we got to wrap this up.
42:32
I can't be, I can't be yes Anding my way throughout the
42:36
entire night and then end up on my couch eating 2 Burger King
42:40
whoppers because I couldn't just be like, no, I'm not really
42:44
feeling it after 45 minutes, which is acceptable.
42:47
I so I think maybe the solution, not that this person was calling
42:50
for advice, is just like we need a cut off.
42:55
We need to cut off. And if I'm feeling the vibe
42:57
after 45 minutes, then great, we can continue and I'll I'll hear
43:01
you out. Otherwise, wrap it up.
43:04
It's it's Jover. The past few dates that I've
43:08
been on, I'm I'm sort of having this crisis of like, is it is
43:11
this a me problem where I'm just like not really vibing or it's
43:16
like, it's fine. There's not, there's no red
43:18
flags, but there's nothing that it's being like, oh, I'm like
43:21
smitten with this person and I'm like, do I need to be like
43:26
giving people more of a chance? Or if I'm not feeling it, is it
43:30
OK to just be like, no, I don't really, I don't really care.
43:34
But is it me? Is it a me problem?
43:36
Because I have been so like, who knows?
43:40
Am I capable of love? Am I capable of being loved?
43:45
Stay tuned. Stay tuned to find out.
43:48
We may never get the answer. Speaking of swallowing wieners,
43:56
I am disgusted by the hot dog eating competition that takes
44:01
place every 4th of July and in fact every eating competition
44:07
that I see cross my feed. There was another one I think in
44:11
Florida. They, it must be in Florida that
44:13
they do a Key Lime Pie eating competition.
44:17
I think that they were in the midst of like State Fair season.
44:20
So there's a lot of like eating competitions.
44:24
And I'm like, this is not a thing that we should be
44:27
celebrating. This is a thing that scientists
44:31
should be studying with the same gravity that they study cancer
44:36
and and like sexually transmitted diseases.
44:41
What do you mean Joey Chestnut ate 67 hot dogs?
44:45
Was it or 66? In 10 minutes?
44:49
He averaged what, 7 hot dogs a minute?
44:52
6 1/2 hot dogs or something? I don't think a seagull can do
44:56
that. I don't think a Pelican that
44:57
swallows an entire thing whole can do that.
45:01
I remember learning about because the last podcast I did
45:04
about celebrity feuds, we did an entire episode about Joey
45:10
Chestnut and fuck, I forget the other guy's name.
45:14
Kobayashi. Right, Right, right.
45:16
Right. I always forget Hakira.
45:19
Is that his name? Hakiro Takiro.
45:21
Takiro Takiro Kobayashi. Yeah.
45:25
Love that guy. Well, what a crazy rivalry they
45:29
had it. It really is a case of two
45:31
people outdoing one another in the most disgusting, despicable
45:35
way ever. It's really a race to the bottom
45:38
with those two. Like I love the idea of a rival
45:41
that makes you better at something that you're kind of
45:43
constantly trying to outdo this other person and you're each
45:48
kind of honing your craft and becoming better and better when
45:52
the craft that you are honing is how to get more hot dogs inside
45:56
of your body. I, I think you both need to be
45:58
put down. They're both freaks.
46:03
We need to be putting them into some type of institution and we
46:05
cannot be glorifying this. What do you mean it's on
46:08
Netflix? No, this needs to be locked away
46:11
in some type of government lab. I'm like, what does the rest of
46:15
your day look like after you've eaten 67 hot dogs?
46:20
What does, what does the rest of your afternoon look like?
46:23
You're just going home and going about your day.
46:26
I eat, I eat 2 hot dogs and I feel like I'm, I need to be sent
46:30
out to see you ate 67 hot dogs and then you're just going to go
46:36
home. Are they like Wheeling them
46:40
directly to an operating room where they give birth to some
46:43
type of like ball of hot dog? You know, there used to be those
46:48
stories about someone like, oh, this woman ate her own hair
46:51
everyday and then she just has like a giant hairball inside of
46:54
her. Is that what's happening inside
46:56
Joey Chestnut? Just like a hot dog ball.
46:59
Listen, there's always a bitch in your ear talking about, oh,
47:02
do you know what's in hot dogs? Oh, if you knew what was in hot.
47:06
Do you know what hot dogs are made out of?
47:07
Shut your fucking mouth. We all know what hot dogs are
47:10
made out of. It's made out of butt holes and
47:12
feet and it tastes good with ketchup and mustard.
47:15
I don't understand when people are like, oh, a hot dog is
47:18
gross, everything is disgusting. You're, you're eating an animal,
47:22
OK, it's all gross. Just fucking eat it and shut up.
47:25
And then there was that one study that one time there was
47:28
like every hot dog that you eat takes like 7 minutes off of your
47:31
life. I probably wasn't going to do
47:34
anything good with those 7 minutes anyway.
47:36
Might as well enjoy a hot dog. I'm actually pissed that I
47:38
didn't get to eat any hot dogs on the 4th of July.
47:42
I was pretty upset about it because we ended up getting
47:45
Shake Shack with like a Great American meal and they didn't
47:51
have hot dogs. So I only had a burger.
47:55
Just like that's acceptable. But like I do desperately feel
47:58
like I need a hot dog inside of me immediately.
48:01
But then I remember the 67 hot dog things and it makes me upset
48:04
all over again. And I'm like, maybe I can't be
48:07
involved in that. I don't I don't like what
48:09
they're doing in the hot dog's name.
48:11
And finally, my what the hey for the week, the thing that's
48:15
making me say hey, I guess my opposite of a what the heck, It
48:19
makes sense. Just go along with it.
48:21
This week, my what the hey is going to go ahead and be a Greek
48:25
mythology because I've been really getting into it this
48:28
week. Yeah, I've been on my Greek
48:30
mythology shit in preparation for the Odyssey that I'm seeing
48:36
soon. I just remember, I mean, like, I
48:38
think it's a cliche at this point that like every gay child
48:42
loved Greek mythology when we were teenagers.
48:45
When you like learn about it and in middle school or whatever.
48:49
Loved that shit. But I've been reading stuff
48:52
before I read the Odyssey, so I can understand what the hell is
48:55
going on. And Stephen Fry, British icon.
48:59
Stephen Fry has a series on Greek mythology that's come out
49:05
in the last few years that I've been really enjoying.
49:09
And he does the audiobooks too. And you know, it's always nice
49:14
when the audiobook is read by Stephen Fry, but he has the the
49:19
first book is about like all of the Greek gods.
49:21
The second one is about all of the Greek heroes.
49:24
And then there's one on Troy, which is like the Iliad.
49:28
And then there's one on the Odyssey.
49:31
And so it's nice to read that and sort of get it in like a
49:34
funny British, like modern British voice to understand the
49:39
story. And then you can go back and
49:41
listen to or read the Odyssey and sort of know what the hell
49:45
is going on. There is an audio book version
49:49
of the Odyssey read by Claire Danes is the one that I'm, I'm
49:55
like, sure, why not? And then the the Iliad, because
50:00
it's the Emily Wilson translation, which I've talked
50:03
about before. That one is read by Claire
50:05
Danes. And then the Iliad version of
50:07
the Iliad is read by Audra McDonald.
50:11
I love. But anyway, I've been getting
50:13
very into it. It's it's fun.
50:15
I forgot how much fun Greek mythology is because everybody
50:19
is fucking. Everybody is crazy.
50:21
All of the gods are like, you know, doing some crazy stuff.
50:25
Everybody's getting their Dick chopped off and then throwing it
50:28
into the sea. And then another, another God is
50:31
born. Aphrodite.
50:33
Yeah, it's because Kronos's Dick got cut off and they threw it
50:37
into the sea and then out, out popped Aphrodite.
50:40
This crazy shit is happening. A lot of these stories,
50:44
absolutely disgusting stuff, But we sort of have our own modern
50:48
mythical figures, like Joey Chestnut, for example.
50:52
In many ways, Joey Chestnut is kind of the Hercules of our
50:55
time. Anyway, I'm I do highly
50:58
recommend the Stephen Fry series on Greek mythology, especially
51:04
the the Odyssey one, which I'm finishing up before I read the
51:06
actual Odyssey, before I see the movie.
51:09
And maybe I'll make some TikTok videos.
51:11
I, I'm overdue for a spliff notes right?
51:15
Get stoned and try to recount the Odyssey.
51:19
So we'll see. I might try, I might try to do
51:22
that before the movie comes out. Anyway, that's it for this
51:26
week's episode. Thank you for watching.
51:28
Thank you for listening. Leave us a review, leave us a
51:31
comment, give us a call on the What the Heck Hotline.
51:36
Make sure everything is nice. I don't want to hear your shit.
51:39
Follow us on Instagram, TikTok, all of the places and I will see
51:44
you next week. Bye.
51:47
This has been an episode of What the Heck with Matt Bellicide.
51:50
You can call and leave us a voicemail about what's making
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future episode. Call us at 407-984-6288.
51:59
That's four O 7 WTH Matt. What the heck with Matt?
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Bellicide is produced by same boat Studios and Bellicide
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Productions. It's hosted by me, Matt
52:07
Bellicide. Our executive producers are
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Gabriel Lewis, Barry Finkel and me at Bellissai.
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