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The silent Damage. Avoidant Attachment Explained · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, this is Kim Lee speaking.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: I've not been posting for a while because I've been suffering from something hideous.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, it very probably was man flu.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: And uh I'm just hopefully dealing with the residual elements, but I haven't exactly had a a voice for radio, so other auditory channels.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: During the time that I've been taking this necessary break, I've been thinking about some of the series that I've been focusing upon and realize that alongside what I do where children and parenting is concerned, I inevitably move into territory that has to do with relationships.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: And the series entitled What Parents Carry, which is going to continue, is being interrupted really to look at a particular dimension in relationships that I don't think is understood particularly well, but is experienced considerably.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it has to do with the avoidant attachment style and the avoidant behavior.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: So this is the first of a three-part series in which I'm going to look at the avoidant partner, the origins, patterns, and the fear of closeness.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to look also at the effects in episode two on the other person.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then finally in episode three, survival and recovery.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: And in some way, this kind of reflects what I've worked on before in terms of how a person who has suffered in a relationship understands what is happening, which we call uh the realization, moving to the next stage of some kind of change in the situation, which is the reckoning, and then in the final section, the recovery.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: This is similar, but it's slightly different because there's a good deal of confusion that is experienced if you're or have been in a relationship with an avoidant partner.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now there's a kind of a particular kind of loneliness in these relationships.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't come from being alone.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Oddly, it comes from being with someone who's not quite present.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Not necessarily dramatically, but a pattern emerges which leaves you with more questions than answers.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: The other person will seemingly be with you, they will speak to you, they may even tell you, or at the beginning, they may even have told you that they love you.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: And yet something is missing, and it's not dramatic and it's not loud, but it's persistent in an almost invisible kind of way.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: And over time you begin to feel it.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: The absence of emotional presence, the lack of congruence in the words and actions don't match, that expected responses to simple acts just don't happen.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's almost as if the person is not aware of or preoccupied with you in the same way you are with them.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: And there's also a sense that no matter how close you try to get, you can't reach them.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: So today we're stepping inside one of the most confusing and often damaging relational dynamics that I see in the consulting room.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: And it's the relationship or a relationship with the avoidant partner.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: When we speak about an avoidant partner, we're not always speaking about a formal diagnosis such as avoidant personality disorder.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: More often we're talking about what's called an attachment style, which is a way of relating to closeness that was learned very early on.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: The foundations of this were first described by John Bowlby and later explained through the work of his colleague Mary Ainsworth.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: And they helped us to understand something profoundly important, and that is that our earliest relationships don't just shape how we feel, they shape how we relate.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: And for the avoidant individual, something has happened probably repeatedly in early life that's made closeness feel unsafe.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Avoidant patterns don't emerge from nowhere.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: They're almost always a response to growing in an emotional environment that couldn't reliably hold the child.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: And this may have looked like a caregiver who was physically present but emotionally unavailable, a parent who minimized distress, saying things like, you know, you're fine, stop making fuss.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Or a relational atmosphere where emotional need was experienced as inconvenient or even rejected.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now, in these environments, the child learns something quietly but very powerfully.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: And that is, if I need too much, I will not be met.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: And so the child adapts, not by becoming less emotional, but by becoming less expressive of emotion.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Donald Winnicott spoke about the importance of a caregiver being able to receive and respond to a child's inner world.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: And Beyond, Wilfrid Beyond described how the parent helps the child to process overwhelming feelings.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: But when that process doesn't happen, the child is left alone with their experience.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: And what can't be safely expressed must be defended against.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now, in the avoidant adult, the internal world is something which is not something we necessarily see as distress.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it comes across more as a kind of being in control.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: They appear calm, self-contained, independent, sometimes even emotionally quite together.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Not always, though.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they may present as chaotic, needing reassurance, needing help, but often rejecting the help.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: So the presentation can be mixed, but there are common themes that we see emerging.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not that there is an absence of feeling in such people.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's more or more like it is the management of feelings because the avoidant individual doesn't lack emotion, they lack safety in emotion.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: So closeness for them doesn't feel naturally comforting.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: It feels exposing, overwhelming, or quietly threatening.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so they develop a kind of relational position that protects them.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Almost a kind of, I can be with you, but not too close.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: I remember someone saying to me once, I I get close, but then I disappear, no matter how nice the other person is.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: And if someone says that to you, it's a warning.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: But it but it kind of rather nicely describes exactly where they're stuck.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: I want to talk about a young man I woke with, I worked with, and I I I I'm gonna call him Daniel for the sake of anonymity.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: And when he came into therapy, it wasn't because he believed there was something wrong with him, but because in his words, he kept saying, I don't understand why my relationships keep ending.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: And he described himself as easygoing, low maintenance, not particularly emotional.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: And initially this appeared true.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: But as we began to explore his relationships, a pattern emerged.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Daniel would meet someone, often someone warm, emotional, emotionally open, and the early stages would feel easy, they'd be calm, undemanding, but gradually his partner began to want more, or you know, any partner he was with, quite reasonably, more connection, more emotional presence, more confirmation.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where the shift would happen, because Daniel would begin to feel pressured, overwhelmed, irritated.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: And though he struggled to name why, nonetheless he was aware of feeling that way.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't experience his partners as needing connection, he experienced them as needing too much.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: So he would begin to withdraw, subtly at first, and it was taking longer to reply, becoming less emotionally responsive and creating space or distance.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: When his partner noticed and moved closer, Daniel would move further away.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: I asked him what it was that he felt in those moments, and he said something very telling.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, I just need things to go back to how they were in the beginning.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: And when I asked him what he meant by that, it was that he he was he was capable of the intimacy and the sense of initial connection, but that was sort of superficial because there was no history in it.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: And when the other person tried to build something with him, then the mechanisms would kick in.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the core of the avoidant pattern, you know, the desire for connection without the demands of intimacy, because intimacy is threatening.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Now, as I uh worked more with Daniel, he spoke more about his childhood.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: It was a household where where emotions were not discussed or recognized, or distress was maybe met with irritation, and where independence was quietly rewarded.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: And as he spoke, something became clear.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Daniel just hadn't learned that closeness could hold him.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: He learned that closeness could overwhelm him.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: And so in adult relationships, the avoidant partner often seeks connection but withdraws when it deepens.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: They will appear present but emotionally unavailable.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: They will value independence, but they'll struggle with intimacy.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: They move towards love and then away from it.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: And importantly, this isn't a conscious decision.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: It is like a relational blueprint, and it's laid down long before the relationship began.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: People who are avoidant in this way have often have some level of awareness of the pattern.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: What they fail to be able to do is connect it with what is happening inside them.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they do, but not after very often leaving a trail of people who have been damaged by this.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: The confusion that this creates and the pain that it creates is something which the avoidant personality cannot allow them to see.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Or sorry, allow themselves to see.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: They can't, they they may go as far as saying what I've done was very hurtful, but that's about as far as it will go.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: And interestingly, such people tend not to enter into repair because repair feels overwhelming, because they have to accept what they've done.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: And they may be people who, in less important relationships, behave as if they believe that repair is the right thing to do.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: They all say so.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: But in truth, actually doing that themselves is very rare.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: Probably because it's too exposing, probably because it brings shame.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now, that's an explanation, but as I very often say, it's not an excuse.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: The question is not so much how the avoidant personality type changes, but how people who have been on the receiving end, or maybe still are, how they are affected, how they are able to survive, but also more important, how they recover.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: So in the next episode, we'll step into a different question.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Not why are they like this, but what does it do to the person who stays?
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because the impact of loving someone who cannot fully meet you is never neutral.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: It leaves a psychological trace, it leaves damage, it creates the most enormous confusion, but that is the beginning of recovery.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: Episode two will be coming soon.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.