Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Choreplay DOES WORK... But Here's The Caveat

Transcript

Choreplay DOES WORK... But Here's The Caveat · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show, today, I'm going to be blowing your mind with an
• 0:11
  idea that is super Renegade except of course to the women
• 0:17
  that are like, yeah, no fucking shit.
• 0:19
  But, you know, to a lot of people which is that sure play,
• 0:23
  which is the cute little term for doing more chores to get
• 0:26
  your wife to have sex with. You does actually work for a
• 0:31
  subset of women and we will be talking about who those women
• 0:34
  are and Why it works for them and who the women are for whom
• 0:37
  this does nothing and why it doesn't work for them.
• 0:40
  And before we do that, please do subscribe.
• 0:43
  Because my most recent subscriber episodes are pretty
• 0:46
  great. I got the one on the successful
• 0:48
  parents and why your kids don't empathize with you.
• 0:51
  And I have the one on responsive desire and why that doesn't how
• 0:56
  that is different from zero desire and then I'm going to
• 1:02
  have whatever one I do next so that Be good to.
• 1:05
  I'm sure we have close to 100 by now, so keep on subscribing.
• 1:10
  Anyway. So there are plenty of women
• 1:12
  that choreplay works for and I'll tell you who they are.
• 1:14
  They're younger women and or higher libido women.
• 1:18
  Which often, you know, overlaps quite a bit because as people
• 1:22
  frequently forget in this age of life hacks, there's no life hack
• 1:28
  against aging, and a younger organism has a higher sex drive
• 1:32
  in all mammalian species. Uh, she's that's just the
• 1:36
  fucking way it works. So when I see women in their
• 1:40
  30s, they're real different than women in their 40s who are real
• 1:43
  different than women in their 50s.
• 1:45
  And while high libido can help age helps more.
• 1:49
  So, there's a lot of guys in their 30s that are like screwing
• 1:53
  themselves out of a good sex life by not listening to what
• 1:57
  their wives say which is do more shit around the house and it
• 1:59
  really does work for women who are a few things.
• 2:03
  You need a few caveats. Relatively average or high
• 2:07
  libido, and who love their husband.
• 2:11
  I mean, this is really the thing, you know, and they're not
• 2:14
  sex -. So if you have a woman and I see
• 2:18
  many women like this, genuinely, they like sex.
• 2:20
  They wish they had more energy but the guy just doesn't
• 2:23
  understand how much shit that she's doing, and she is younger.
• 2:27
  30s is younger, I'm 41. So 30s is younger, or even
• 2:32
  younger. Women were even younger or even
• 2:34
  less confident. And so they somehow come to me
• 2:36
  with like this question, how do I tell him?
• 2:39
  I need more help. Where's women in their 40s 50s
• 2:42
  or like get up? I need your help, you know?
• 2:45
  But women in their 30s and 20s or like, I don't know, is there
• 2:49
  some way I'm supposed to tell him to do more stuff.
• 2:52
  It's like yeah. You know you just kind of tell
• 2:54
  him. But anyway so women in their 30s
• 2:58
  or 20s certainly. If they have children are
• 3:02
  overwhelmed and exhausted But their bodies are still in make a
• 3:07
  baby mode unless they have real - use about sex or they are
• 3:12
  actively super low libido. They still have most of their
• 3:15
  sex hormones going on. They still look pretty good,
• 3:18
  right? I mean that I've ever told me
• 3:19
  the most beautiful age for a woman is 32.
• 3:22
  So be that as it may, I'm sure this was somehow remiss or on PC
• 3:27
  to mention but either way, I don't know.
• 3:30
  I could see it seems right. And so like they still got all
• 3:34
  there. Hormones.
• 3:35
  They still have these you know Desires in them to at least make
• 3:40
  a baby and they still get attracted to men and even
• 3:43
  including their husbands and you know, it's really your game to
• 3:47
  lose then by being selfish and lazy.
• 3:50
  So if you sit around and watch the game all Sunday, is she
• 3:52
  gonna want to have sex with you? No, I'll give you a good rule to
• 3:55
  live by. You can always lower a woman's
• 3:59
  libido, you can always raise it, but you can always lower it.
• 4:02
  So, a woman can start with a real high.
• 4:04
  Libido. She's met a lot of these women,
• 4:06
  their 30s. They might they masturbate, you
• 4:08
  know they still have a high sex drive but you know when they
• 4:10
  don't when they look at their husband sitting on his ass and
• 4:13
  when they look at their husband sitting on his ass, they would
• 4:16
  rather masturbate than be with him.
• 4:18
  Because they feel so alone and really just angry because they
• 4:21
  were exhausted women can't get it for sexually excited when
• 4:24
  they were exhausted or stressed as I've told you.
• 4:27
  And so many of these guys are just completely like striking
• 4:31
  out because they don't believe that.
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  A woman could possibly require this much help as their wife
• 4:38
  does because they are mother did not require help from the
• 4:42
  father. Well, your mother was in a
• 4:44
  different era and you don't know what your parents sex life was
• 4:46
  like, you know? So I mean the between those two
• 4:49
  things, let's, just put it to rest and say that, as I've said
• 4:52
  in previous podcast when she's up, you should be up.
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  If she doing something, you should be doing something.
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  This alone would get more young guys in healthy marriages, which
• 5:02
  I do have many 30-something years.
• 5:04
  Old male listeners, whose wives don't hate them yet.
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  Just kidding. May never hate you.
• 5:09
  Hopefully. And, you know, those guys could
• 5:12
  get a hell of a lot more frequent sex if they just got
• 5:16
  off their ass and did a lot more without figuring about how they
• 5:19
  don't want to because who cares what you want to long term is to
• 5:24
  be in a happy marriage with a woman who loves you and to get
• 5:27
  laid. So all of those things for a
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  young man in a marriage that she already loves you, but feels
• 5:34
  just resentment that you can be selfish, which is a large
• 5:38
  percent of people in the world. If you get off your ass and you
• 5:41
  act, you knock it out of the park, as a dad, as a teammate as
• 5:45
  a project manager in the home, then you will begin late more
• 5:50
  because women of that age, still get a lot of self-esteem.
• 5:53
  Out of having a good sex. Life is even something they were
• 5:55
  both mention sometimes, you know, to a friend or something,
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  they like it, they like the idea of it and they have more sex
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  drive to go around. Now, what happens when the woman
• 6:04
  hits her? Your hormones start to go down.
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  She also doesn't need more physical help.
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  So at this point, it's become more principled.
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  When she has a little kids, it's not principal.
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  She literally feels like she's struggling every day especially
• 6:17
  if she tends toward anxiety or depression.
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  She feels completely overwhelmed by the sheer force of those
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  little bodies that need to be kept alive when the woman is in
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  her 40s. Usually, by this point, the kids
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  are a little bit older and, you know, so she doesn't need as
• 6:30
  much practical help by, now it's principal.
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  Now she just Mad at you now she's like, why do I have to do
• 6:37
  all this shit that you don't do? So it to the guys who are
• 6:40
  sitting on the couch, it's become an issue where she looks
• 6:42
  down on you. And she thinks man, you're lazy
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  and that is certainly not going to help spur her to any Heights
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  of desire. In fact she's going to she it's
• 6:54
  easy for her to ignore her desire at this point if she has
• 6:56
  any because it's less desire overall and less and less.
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  It 50s etcetera, etc, etc. So for Men that have a positive
• 7:06
  view toward sex. That's still have any desire at
• 7:09
  all and that love you and want to work on the marriage.
• 7:11
  Chores will certainly help you get late.
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  Also very practically speaking, the less she has to do the more
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  time she has to take a bath and relax and watch TV or whatever
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  gets her in the mood and makes her feel like a woman instead of
• 7:26
  a mom because you can't be sexy and feel like a mom, you know,
• 7:30
  that's just not a thing. So who are all of the guy?
• 7:34
  Guys, then let's say choreplay does nothing.
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  The wives are negative about sex.
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  They don't have any desire and they don't really feel committed
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  to you or like you, it's a bad scene, altogether.
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  So, those women also need help. They also need help in the
• 7:50
  house. So they may be telling
• 7:52
  themselves on the how that if you did more chores, maybe they
• 7:55
  would want sex more. It's not like they're overtly
• 7:58
  lying, you know, they think maybe it could work.
• 8:02
  But in reality, it doesn't work because the the Deepest level
• 8:05
  bottleneck is that they have zero sexual desire, and negative
• 8:08
  attitude towards sex. So in those cases, chores are
• 8:11
  not going to help. Why should you do towards then?
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  Because you're a person in the house.
• 8:15
  So obviously split the stuff because you're a human being and
• 8:19
  an adult, but in those cases is not going to lead to more sex.
• 8:23
  So a lot of guys, you know, they're trying to make sense of
• 8:27
  their lives just like a lot of women generalize and I podcast
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  about generalizing so you don't want to get in the situation
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  where you read on the internet that your played doesn't work
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  and then you sit your ass down on the couch and figure that
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  you're not going to get late anyway and then tragedy of all
• 8:41
  tragedies bitterest of irony's. You had one of the many women
• 8:46
  that would have responded to the goddamn chores.
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  Now I have a post about and I may be a podcast, I don't
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  remember which is which about how my mail clients are doing
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  more housework than ever before but they're not getting laid
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  anymore. Why is this usually the case?
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  Well a standards have changed. You know it's Baseline for a guy
• 9:05
  to do shit, where it didn't used to be.
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  But also, most of these guys then I've never had a guy that
• 9:13
  comes in and it's like only due to chores.
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  There's always like some other stuff.
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  So, even with the young women that have their sex drive and
• 9:21
  everything, if they can get to a place of having to go to couples
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  counseling, it's not all about the chores, it's not, you know,
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  and by the time I see people, it's all about the chores, but
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  or sorry, it's about more than the chores but there are People
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  existing in the world and most people don't go to couples
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  counseling. So there are plenty of happily
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  married people where the guy isn't getting laid enough and
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  that is frequently because she is just too much shit to do.
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  And if you did some of it, she would get laid more.
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  It's like a real. It's a thing, there's plenty of
• 9:51
  high libido women. Because what did I just tell
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  you, remember, the Mantra that you now know, you can always
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  lower a woman's libido, you can always raise it, but one good
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  way to lower it is by sitting down on your ass and not doing
• 10:02
  anything. And so, A lot of people who are
• 10:05
  high libido, women are going to be like, no, I don't feel like
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  having sex and it's not withholding as I've explained
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  numerous times it's because she doesn't have the desire.
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  Who the hell would have the desire?
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  When they've just been wiping up, a bunch of babies spit and
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  wash in the bottles and then on top of it, they got a vacuum and
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  you're watching television. Oh my God, I can't imagine
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  something. That would be more demoralizing
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  and remove the sex drive, even a high libido woman will not want
• 10:32
  to have sex under those situations.
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  So What you want to do is think Mmm.
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  It's possible that I may have a higher libido woman that I
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  think, but I'm just sitting on my ass too much and this will
• 10:42
  resonate for some guys. Of course some Workhorse.
• 10:44
  Guys are like, I do everything around the house and she still
• 10:47
  doesn't have sex with me in which case, I just did an
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  episode about this. If you're in a situation where
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  you're fighting all the time and she does nothing and you don't
• 10:56
  have sex. This frequently means that
• 10:58
  there's a different sorts of deeper level issues at play, but
• 11:02
  that was in the one about Narcissus.
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  Line. So, but in the usual situation,
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  the woman wants to have a romantic life in a healthy
• 11:10
  marriage. A woman who's positive about sex
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  where you had a good sex life before kids a good one.
• 11:15
  We even when you look back and you look for red flags, there
• 11:18
  weren't any she was open-minded. She liked having sex, she had
• 11:21
  preferences. She masturbated, she did all
• 11:24
  these things. Right, but now she's fucking
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  tired and if she if the main problem is that she's tired and
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  she thinks that you're selfish, which is a problem for many
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  women, then get up and do. Stuff.
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  This is the sort of woman where choreplay will work.
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  It won't work because she gets turned on by you doing the
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  chores in that case. Your play never works.
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  Like there's a funny book porn for women and it shows madman
• 11:46
  like vacuuming that. I've course it's like super hot
• 11:48
  man and all things like this. It's not just this one picture
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  but it's like he's vacuuming and he said something like I like to
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  do these things before I'm asked and it's funny because like, how
• 11:58
  that would be a turn-on, but it wouldn't be a turn on seeing a
• 12:01
  man. Vacuum is not a turn-on seeing a
• 12:03
  man. Vacuum is a real.
• 12:04
  Leaf and a relief allows you to fear to get into the headspace
• 12:09
  where you're relaxed. And from there, you can get
• 12:12
  turned on. And remember what I taught you
• 12:15
  all these high libido women. With, in monogamy, have
• 12:17
  responsive desire, 90% of them, even the young ones, right?
• 12:21
  Unless they're ovulating. So, you know, they have
• 12:23
  responsive desire. So they don't feel desire before
• 12:26
  they start to get in the mood before foreplay start.
• 12:29
  Anyway, but I'll tell you, if you do the vacuuming and you do
• 12:32
  the dishes and you wipe up the kitchen, Ian and you put the
• 12:35
  babies to bed. What's she doing?
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  During that time, her parasympathetic nervous system
• 12:39
  is activating. She's relaxed instead of the
• 12:42
  sympathetic nervous system, which is the one that releases
• 12:44
  adrenaline and cortisol in which case she cannot get excited.
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  Remember, women are not like men, men could have sex in the
• 12:50
  middle of a battlefield. Women cannot.
• 12:53
  But you know, she's relaxed. And so then she could get in the
• 12:57
  headspace where she's willing to get into a mode where then she
• 13:01
  could have responsive Desire by starting to make With you.you
• 13:05
  etcetera, you touch her, her touch you.
• 13:08
  She may be too tired for but, you know, she should try Etc.
• 13:12
  So, you know, this is the thing. If you are a high libido woman,
• 13:16
  your libido can always be turned down by a man acting selfish.
• 13:20
  If you're a low libido woman chore, chore playing can help,
• 13:23
  nothing's really going to help except the stuff that I talked
• 13:25
  about where you got to try to get yourself into a different
• 13:28
  mind space, where you are doing this as an act of service.
• 13:31
  An act of love getting yourself as ready as you can possibly.
• 13:34
  Dudley get for the flickerings of responsive desire and working
• 13:39
  deeply and internally on your negative views, towards sex, if
• 13:42
  any such exists as well as looking at the biological side,
• 13:46
  including your time of the month, what medications you're
• 13:48
  on, whether you have untreated anxiety, or depression trauma
• 13:51
  history. I've talked about all of these
• 13:53
  things, even have a podcast called other reasons, your
• 13:57
  libido may be low. That is like all the ones except
• 13:59
  monogamy and unhappy marriages. So anyway, the point is and it
• 14:04
  As what would be considered a high libido woman and your
• 14:08
  libido can always go down but it stays at a good level.
• 14:14
  When somebody is a teammate to you, you know, when you feel and
• 14:18
  it's not the same, the whole month or anything like that, but
• 14:22
  it's, it's there and it can be taken down by the fact that
• 14:26
  you're really stressed out. But if somebody is really trying
• 14:30
  to help you by doing like all this stuff that stresses you
• 14:33
  out, then it kind of Remains you're aware of it, there you're
• 14:37
  not. It's getting it's not
• 14:39
  spontaneous desire within monogamy, but it's responsive
• 14:42
  desire. As I talked about like, what is
• 14:44
  responsive desire or it was a podcast like even high libido.
• 14:49
  Women have primarily responsive desire, or don't have
• 14:52
  spontaneous desire or whatever. So speaking as a high libido
• 14:55
  woman, write it. If my husband does more shit
• 14:59
  which he does, lots of shit shit.
• 15:00
  All the time does much more shit than I do around the house,
• 15:03
  which is part of Reason why people say, how can you be so
• 15:06
  prolific? Well, that's how I could be.
• 15:07
  So prolific is, I'm not doing all the shit in fact of doing
• 15:10
  probably less than half of the work, which would be deemed
• 15:13
  shit. So, you know, like the sweeping
• 15:16
  up of from the animals, the care of of the pets like this, the
• 15:21
  cleaning stuff sweeping vacuuming see, I don't even know
• 15:25
  what there is. And so, I, I do certain stuff,
• 15:28
  certainly, I cook all of the meals and that sort of thing and
• 15:33
  things are divided, but I I'll tell you something.
• 15:35
  If things were not divided this High libido woman would not be
• 15:38
  would not be, you know, and that's a situation that I've
• 15:41
  been in at other times in my life, right?
• 15:44
  So I highly Beetle woman can always be transformed into a
• 15:47
  lower libido Woman by feeling like she's alone in the world
• 15:51
  doing all of the shit. But a lot of men don't know that
• 15:54
  they're dealing with a high libido woman in a, in the
• 15:57
  bitterest of irony's, as I said, you know, they don't know the
• 16:01
  full capacity of the woman's libido.
• 16:04
  Cause they're too busy complaining, that they're not
• 16:07
  getting laid and being resentful and therefore not doing anything
• 16:10
  when she's literally saying. So, so, so you don't know which
• 16:13
  one you're dealing with until you actually test her.
• 16:15
  So someone and say, if you did more stuff around the house, I
• 16:18
  could get in the mood more and they're bullshit, they're not
• 16:21
  consciously bullshitting their subconsciously bullshitting.
• 16:23
  They're just kind of throwing anything at the wall and seeing,
• 16:25
  what sticks. It's something they've heard in
• 16:27
  the media. It's something they've heard in
• 16:28
  the world. So if he does more stuff than
• 16:30
  you'll get in the mood and they're hoping it's true, right?
• 16:32
  And for, but but, but But but for some women, it is true
• 16:36
  because taking away all that shit from their plate.
• 16:39
  Allows them to go to work, come home, do the stuff that they
• 16:43
  kind of get some sort of satisfaction from doing in one
• 16:46
  way or another whether that's cooking and cleaning dealing
• 16:49
  with the kids whatever. So they certainly do some shit.
• 16:52
  I've never met a mother yet. That doesn't do anything wrong,
• 16:56
  there's some exceptions but most of the time normatively they do
• 17:00
  things, you know, for the children but they don't do all
• 17:03
  the things when they To do all the things, the libido goes to
• 17:06
  the basement, and it is Hideout, and it's never to be seen again.
• 17:09
  So that is something to think about.
• 17:11
  It is possible that you are over generalizing assuming that
• 17:14
  choreplay doesn't work. And in the way that it's meant
• 17:17
  to sound like foreplay, it certainly doesn't work.
• 17:20
  You certainly need for play real foreplay etcetera, but you may
• 17:24
  have a woman that is just stressed out and would be higher
• 17:27
  libido. Maybe not high libido, but
• 17:29
  average libido if you did more stuff.
• 17:32
  So it is something to think about and certainly something to
• 17:34
  To try and it'll work in a worst-case scenario.
• 17:37
  What happens? What's the downside?
• 17:39
  You didn't wash it for your family.
• 17:40
  I mean, wow, it's so bad. No, it's not bad at all.
• 17:44
  All right. Hopefully, this was useful to
• 17:46
  you guys and I'll talk to you soon.
• 17:47
  Bye.