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I Still Feel Like I’m Not Good Enough or Too Much · Breaking Our Borders

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Dr.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Michelle Border, and in today's episode, I'm going to talk about mental borders of feeling like you're not good enough or too much.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: These are common feelings among survivors of childhood trauma, but can also be developed in children who were neglected from a lack of parenting skills.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Today I will talk about how these feelings develop and how to change them.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get started talking about that right now.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: I failed to discuss the situation of when someone repeatedly apologizes for what upset you, but don't change that behavior.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: They know what it is you don't like or that upsets you, but they continue to do it anyway.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: It needs to be recognized that they are not feeling remorse for their actions towards you, and that they are actually trying to manipulate the situation to keep peace while hoping to ignore their own accountability.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: As I said in the last episode, it's up to you what forgiveness looks like and whether or not you give it.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: But constantly accepting an apology for a behavior that doesn't change is giving them permission to continue that behavior.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Actions speak louder than words, and if they refuse to be responsible for their harmful choices, then it is perfectly okay for you to stop accepting those apologies and stop giving your forgiveness.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: You deserve the respect from others to honor your feelings and not treat you in ways that you don't like.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, now let's talk about today's topic.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Feelings of not being good enough or too much are likely to develop when you have experienced childhood trauma.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: But they can also be caused by a lack of nurturing from your parents.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: These feelings don't have to be caused by abuse, they can be caused by neglectful parenting.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Neglectful parenting is when parents don't do things that promote healthy development for their children.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Ideally, parents provide unconditional love, empathy, emotional validation, positive reinforcement, and proactive teaching that supports healthy development and growth for their children.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Positive parenting produces strong neural pathways in the brain that result in emotional regulation, resilience, intellect, and healthy social skills.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Basically, our parents are our first teachers, and they show us, consciously and unconsciously, how to behave, what we should and shouldn't do, and the kind of person we are.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: Children are dependent on their parents for survival and how to make sense of the world.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Positive parenting shows a child that they are safe, their needs will be met, and that they are right in becoming who they are.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Negative parenting, which includes abuse and neglect, will leave a child feeling like they are the reason that their parents cannot provide a safe place, meet their needs, or make them feel right as who they are.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: They are not mentally developed to understand the logic behind adult behaviors and therefore will internalize why something happens.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Negative parenting can happen through verbal statements, physical behaviors, abandonment, or a lack of support.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: A parent can be physically with their child every day, but not be emotionally present.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: A parent may not be physically involved in a child's life at all.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And they may use abusive words that tell the child they are not good or too much on the parent.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: An example of this is my parents being divorced caused me to see my dad every other weekend.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: There was not a lot of positive parenting happening in that short amount of time, and none during the rest of the month.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: My mother was with me the most, but her words and actions were abusive and neglectful.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Neither of my parents were empathetic, provided emotional validation, provided positive reinforcement, or taught me life skills.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: In this sense, they were neglectful in not providing these aspects of parenting.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: My mother's verbal abuse sent a negative message about my worth.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Her verbal and physical despise of my needs gave a negative message about my presence, and both of my parents' neglect of providing positive parenting solidified those messages in my mind, creating the borders that I am not good enough as a human and that I am too much of a burden on everyone else.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Some people did not experience such blatant messages from their parents as I did.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: They may have felt love from their parents, but their parents were just there, not really providing parenting skills to help their child grow and develop.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: The parent was not abusive, did not intentionally harm their child, but subtle messages gave the child the border in their mind that their parents didn't really want them around, that their needs took a toll on the parent, or that the parent didn't want to be bothered by the child's existence.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: This can create just as deep a message to a child as abuse can.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: These messages make a child think that they are a burden, a nuisance, or the cause of their parents' troubles.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Children are not able to mentally understand that they are not the cause of others' behaviors, and they internalize verbal and behavioral messages from adults.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Children may think that if they just figured out how to behave, things would be better, that there's something wrong with them, that they can't make their parents happy, or if they could just change who they are, then things wouldn't be so bad.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: The border of I'm not good enough of a person to make my parents happy, or I'm too much of a problem to make my parents happy, are created in the child's mind as a coping mechanism to cope with the pain of negative parenting.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: These thoughts are not the truth, but lies created from the parent's statements or behaviors.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: The border of I'm not good enough happens when a parent is continuously critical, has impossible expectations, compares one child to other siblings, provides love only based on the child's behavior, is emotionally neglectful by not supporting the child's feelings, or the child has to take care of the parent or siblings, causing them to take on adult responsibilities.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: In these situations, a child develops thoughts of I have to perform to be loved, I have to be perfect at all I do to be accepted, I have to make everyone happy to keep the peace.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: My needs don't matter, and love and acceptance must be earned.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: These borders are carried into adulthood and shown in behaviors of perfectionism, workaholism, people-pleasing, fear of failure, imposter syndrome, difficulty accepting compliments, and constant self-criticism.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Someone who lives through these types of experiences as a child becomes an adult who is constantly looking for ways to be good, to make others happy with them, to be accepted, and to gain the approval they did not get from their parents.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: They are constantly searching for ways to find the approval and love from everyone that wasn't given to them by their parents.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: They're like a sponge that will suck in any positive responses from others and crave more of them.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: The border of I'm too much happens when a parent sends messages like, stop crying, you're too sensitive, you're too loud, quit being dramatic, you're so needy, or calm down.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: These messages can be in the form of verbal statements or physical behaviors like eye rolls or heavy sighs when the child does something.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Children learn that their feelings make other people uncomfortable and then believe they are the problem.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: They think that if they can change who they are, then they won't be too much, too loud, too needy, too talkative, or too annoying.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of being their true self, they change their personality by shutting down and withdrawing, or acting out to get the attention they crave.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: They either try to hide away so they don't bother anyone further, or become the problem child so that they demand some attention.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: As an adult, these behaviors show as hiding or ignoring their emotions, apologizing constantly for things they do not need forgiveness for.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: They minimize and ignore their needs, they avoid asking for help for fear of bothering others.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: They may feel guilty taking up space, and they will stay silent to avoid burdening others.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: It is a constant job of trying to reduce themselves to nearly non-existence so as not to bother anyone, and produces constant anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem and worth.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: These two borders are often in people's minds simultaneously and can also be felt individually.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: When hanging out with friends, they crave connection, acceptance, and approval from the others.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Then second guess their behavior after the interaction, wondering if they talked too much, said the wrong things, or acted in ways that will be seen as silly by others.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: It can be a constant internal battle of trying to find a middle ground of being considered good, right, or accepted by others, while trying not to be too much.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is that they are looking for this validation in others, but it should have been taught as an internal message when they were a child.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: These borders were created as coping mechanisms in an effort to please their parents.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: So if you struggle with these feelings, how do you change these patterns?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: In previous episodes, I have recommended that there are three steps to finding healthier behaviors when dealing with the borders created in our mind from childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: The first step is acknowledge what happened.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: What messages were given to you as a child?
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Did your parents make you feel that you were a burden, annoying, or too much for them to deal with?
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Did your parents ignore you, fail to show affection, or not provide positive parenting methods?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Identify what happened to you so that you can better understand why you chose the coping mechanisms that you did as a child.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: Step two is to accept the consequences of what happened to you as a child.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: This means that you look within to determine what borders have been built in your mind that are unhealthy thoughts or behaviors.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: In this case, it is the thought that you are not good enough or too much.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Recognize these feelings you have and accept that you can do something to improve them.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: The last step is reconstruction.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: You can reconstruct these borders in your mind to be positive ones instead of negative ones.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Right now, your borders are built with blocks of I'm not good enough or I am too much.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: We need to change those blocks to I am enough, I am not too much, and I am happy with who I am.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: This may seem impossible if you didn't develop those feelings as a child, but they are within you.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: In a previous episode, I referred to our minds as like an apple tree.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: When the apple tree first sprouted, it had healthy roots.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Through experiences, the roots became unhealthy.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't mean they were always that way, or that they can't become healthy again.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: The same is true about the borders in our minds.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps there were some brief moments during childhood where you felt validated, encouraged, and supported.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe a teacher, family friend, or distant relative made you feel good about yourself, feel pride and worth.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Think about that moment and relive that feeling.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Use that positive feeling as a block in a new, healthier border in your mind.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: When the unhealthy thoughts of you are not enough or too much happen, ask yourself, why are you feeling that?
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: What are you doing at that moment that means you are not good enough or too much?
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: Challenge that thought with what you are doing right in that situation.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: For example, after being with friends or family, I rethink everything I said, fear that I talked too much or said dumb things.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: Then I challenge those thoughts, asking myself, if that is true or is that the lies from my past?
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: I also then think about positive things that happened during the interaction, like how I made people laugh, how I didn't do all the talking, I also listened to others, and acknowledge that these people have chosen to spend time with me multiple times.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think they would choose to do that if I was a burden and annoying.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm rebuilding the negative borders in my mind that were based on lies with more positive blocks of true facts about myself.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: When you feel like you are not good enough or too much, there are several things you can try to reverse that way of thinking.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: One option is to think of yourself as a child.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Would you tell a child that they are a burden, unworthy, or too much to deal with?
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: As a child, you were told these things by people who didn't know the damage they were doing to you.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: Your inner child still believes these lies, so you can talk to your inner child as you would any other child.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Remind yourself that these were lies told to you as a child and you no longer have to believe them.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself the support encouragement that your parents didn't.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Another method is to look within to determine what you think good enough and too much means?
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: What behaviors you have that support that idea?
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: And what other strengths you have that prove you are not those things?
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: What accomplishments have you achieved that proves you are enough?
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: What have you done for others?
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: What are you giving back to society?
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: What kind of friend, family member, or partner are you?
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Are you giving as much as taking in those relationships?
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: It is likely there is plenty of evidence that you are not too much and definitely are good enough.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Find that evidence and remind yourself of that each time those borders come up.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: It can be helpful to discuss these feelings with someone that sees your worth and values you as a friend or companion.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Ask them to tell you what they see in you that makes you enough and not too much.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Hearing this from someone else can help you begin to see it in yourself during future experiences.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: If you are still struggling with feeling like you are not enough or too much, then seeking professional counseling may be helpful.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: I will put a journal prompt on my website with questions that can prompt your thinking about how you are good enough and not too much.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: You can find that at BreakingOurBorders.com.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: If you've spent years believing you're not enough or that you're too much, don't expect those beliefs to disappear overnight.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: They were learned over time, and healing usually happens over time too.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: But every time you question the lies you were told as a child, every time you treat yourself with compassion instead of criticism, every time you replace one unhealthy block with a healthier one, you're rebuilding something stronger.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: The goal is to uncover the person you were meant to be before trauma convinced you that you weren't enough or that you were too much.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: Healing from trauma, abuse, or neglect is not a quick fix.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: It has taken years to build unhealthy borders in your mind, so it will take some time to rebuild them with healthy blocks.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: Be patient with yourself and celebrate any progress, no matter how small.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: Listen to my past episodes of this podcast for more information about childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect, and the consequences it can have on children.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: Please also join me again next week as I continue to talk about unhealthy borders and how to rebuild them with healthy blocks.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening to