Latest / The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook / Unapologetic Living: How Women Can Build Confidence, Stop Apologizing & Support Each Other with Melissa Crook

Transcript

Unapologetic Living: How Women Can Build Confidence, Stop Apologizing & Support Each Other with Melissa Crook · The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook

0:12
Hello, Melissa Crook here. Welcome back.
0:14
This week it's another one in one empowerment session time
0:18
with me. And today we're going to talk
0:20
about women supporting first themselves, so you yourself and
0:27
then other women unapologetically.
0:29
And what I mean by and then other is because I truly believe
0:33
to authentically show up well for others, you need to be
0:39
treating yourself in that same way.
0:42
First. It just becomes more embodied.
0:45
It becomes it feels more natural, it feels more authentic
0:49
and connected. And also you're not trying to
0:52
force something, you're not operating out of unresolved
0:56
insecurities. And so we're going to get into
0:58
that today and what this can look like.
1:01
So we're going to start with, like I said, supporting yourself
1:05
and the woman unapologetically. The key items we're going to
1:09
really address here today and to start this conversation by
1:13
asking yourself a how do you do this?
1:16
How do you support yourself and then other women and living
1:19
unapologetically if you do do it.
1:23
This involves clear communication with yourself and
1:27
involves clear communication with others and, and, and really
1:33
being intentional and stopping and pausing for a moment to
1:37
consider what just because something looks and feels
1:42
supportive to you doesn't mean it necessarily tracks that way
1:47
for someone else. And so and also in the flip
1:51
side, we sometimes can be very guilty of assuming people, well,
1:56
she knows me very well, she'll just know this.
1:59
And that's not necessarily the case.
2:02
So it's really communication is kind here.
2:05
So communicating how you feel supported to the woman in your
2:09
life is very helpful. It gives clarity, it doesn't
2:14
leave you feeling frustrated or disappointed because you're not
2:17
getting what you need. And it's very helpful to people
2:21
on the other side to not waste time showing up in a way that
2:26
they think feel supportive to you but actually doesn't.
2:29
It also helps clarify kind of who your people are and who
2:34
really connects with you in that way.
2:37
So it just gives a lot of information.
2:40
So it's how do you do this? And in in that, what makes you
2:44
feel supported and making sure that you're 1 giving the
2:50
information if they don't add, if others don't ask you kindly,
2:54
but directly, that you're stopping to ask others how they
2:59
feel supported and not assuming that you just know.
3:04
So it starts with some key components.
3:07
And the first step I'm going to start with here, we're going to
3:10
start with the work that we do on ourselves to show up for
3:13
ourselves and apologetically. And this starts with no more
3:19
apologizing for things that are your fault.
3:22
No more apologizing for taking up space.
3:26
We can be the, I'm sorry, champions of the world as women
3:32
for many different reasons that I discussed throughout my
3:35
framework. And I really dive deep into this
3:39
in our online courses of the history behind this.
3:42
But for the sake of time today, we apologize a lot for a lot of
3:48
things that aren't our responsibility, and also because
3:53
of cultural and societal narratives that we heard about
3:59
other people's bandwidth for our voices and other people's
4:03
bandwidth isn't our responsibility.
4:05
That's their work to do to address why it is they have
4:11
trouble with other people showing up and taking up space.
4:15
But for you, no more apologizing for having a voice, for having
4:20
feelings, for having opinions, for having emotions, for having
4:25
wisdom and insight and intelligence and experience to
4:30
offer that can be really beneficial for the space you're
4:34
inhabiting. Whether it's in work, whether
4:37
it's in your relationships, your home, your neighborhood, your
4:40
faith space, so many spaces, your community.
4:43
We should all feel safe and valued and we have the right to
4:48
be seen, heard and known. So that's, that's that's kind of
4:54
the key component step #1 the next thing is no more seeing
4:58
other women as our competition. We are here to lift each other
5:04
up. The powers that be, patriarchy,
5:07
misogyny, age-old societal narratives want us to see each
5:13
other as our competition because that keeps us from coming
5:17
together as a unit and really making meaningful, impactful
5:22
changes as a collective. And also we this narrative of
5:29
other women, our competition keeps us isolated, keeps us
5:32
alone, keeps us feeling unsupportive, unsupported, and
5:38
can make us unsupportive of others in, in ways that the
5:41
truth is, when I win, you win. When you win, I win.
5:46
It creates more space for us to all be considered for us to
5:50
like, oh gosh, she really had a good idea.
5:52
Maybe I should be listening to more people from her background,
5:56
from her major other women. It's it's an opening opportunity
6:02
and we need to start seeing it like that.
6:04
For the work that I do, there's many women that do this work in
6:08
many different ways and there's many women that are seeking this
6:12
kind of support. There's enough room for all of
6:16
us because I'm not going to appeal to everybody and other
6:19
women that are in this same field aren't going to appeal to
6:23
everybody, but we're all going to appeal to somebody.
6:26
So there's plenty of room. So no more competition.
6:29
We are handing our hand. We are creating space.
6:33
We are at the table in the boardroom asking George to not
6:40
interrupt Mabel when she's saying something to.
6:44
That's just one small way you can show up as a supporter, as
6:48
an advocate, say, hey, George, I don't think Mabel was finished
6:51
yet. Let's let her finish.
6:53
She may have. And then of course, you can
6:54
continue being that person and extending that invitation to
6:59
other women to be that person for themselves and others as
7:02
well. So no more scarcity mindset.
7:05
There's plenty of room for all of us.
7:07
We're not each other's competition.
7:09
We're each other's teammates. And how are we going to come
7:12
together with all of our uniqueness, all of our
7:14
differences, all the special ways that we show up in the
7:18
world and support each other and lift each other up and creating
7:22
more space for all of us. Drop the comparing and be
7:27
curious about each other's stories.
7:30
It's by listening to each other's stories that we can
7:34
understand how to best support each other.
7:36
Which goes back to what I said earlier about asking questions.
7:40
But just because someone's from a different background than you,
7:43
or you feel yourself feeling a little judgmental or insecure,
7:47
get curious about that. What's bringing that up in you?
7:50
What needs to be dealt with, processed, unlearned?
7:55
Is it an actual true narrative or not?
7:59
And if it is somebody that you've had difficulty with, get
8:03
curious about that. Maybe start asking them
8:05
questions, seeing if you can find some common ground, some
8:09
bridges. Maybe you're both fighting for
8:11
the same thing, but you've both are are operating out of fear
8:15
because you've heard these narratives that other women or
8:18
your competition. Maybe get curious about that and
8:21
see if you can come to an understanding that actually, if
8:25
we support each other, yeah, we might be going for the same
8:28
area, but how can we both show up together strong?
8:33
Maybe they see a strong working together.
8:35
They create more space for both of us to pursue that area.
8:38
You never know. That's not always the case, but
8:40
I always and and not everybody's going to be your person, but it
8:45
is and can be difference making to start listening to each
8:49
other's stories and drop the comparing.
8:52
No one wins in the comparison game and there's always more to
8:55
the story than you see on the surface.
8:59
And, and just remembering that if we're going to make
9:01
meaningful change, we must do this together, united, in order
9:07
to really have the engine behind us, the power behind us to
9:12
coming together as a unit, to creating more space and safety
9:17
for women. We're not going to get real far
9:20
in a series of 1 offs. It's us coming together as one
9:23
that really creates these spaces and allows us to show up
9:28
unapologetically for ourselves, as well as having that
9:33
confidence, removing that fear. No more scarcity, seeing them as
9:36
competition. No more operating out of
9:40
thinking that you there's not space for you, that you have to
9:43
apologize for taking space in a room.
9:46
No more of that. And also, I want to invite other
9:48
women into that same line of thinking, and I'll say this
9:53
every time and it's always true and all these different talking
9:57
points, all and all parts of this framework, the work starts
10:01
with you. It is very important that each
10:04
woman prioritize being the healthiest version of herself.
10:09
It is then that we can really start embracing and
10:13
understanding how to not only show up for ourselves
10:17
unapologetically, but also for others.
10:20
Embracing our layers, creating that space and time for
10:23
ourselves to fill our cups. Setting and communicating
10:27
healthy boundaries and no more apologizing for taking up space.
10:33
We can you know if we need someones time instead of oh I'm
10:36
so sorry, can have a minute of your time.
10:38
Hey, I was wondering if I could have a minute of your time.
10:41
If not today, let's take a look at when that would work for you.
10:45
I've got something I'd like to discuss with you that's a lot
10:48
different than showing up and apologizing for taking up their
10:52
time. They're they're most likely that
10:53
your boss or an advisor or someone you work with, they're
10:57
there to support you and you're there to work with each other.
11:00
So they're there to give you in the in the space you're in their
11:04
time already. So no need to apologize for
11:06
that. Doing this work removes the
11:10
insecurities that get in our way.
11:12
It helps us be more curious and ask questions and and maybe
11:18
unlock things that need to be dealt with or addressed.
11:21
Or I talk about unlearning and relearning all the time because
11:25
we've heard so many narratives throughout our lives that are
11:30
narratives, but we've never stopped to think whether they're
11:32
actually true or not. We've just taken them and ran
11:35
with them because that's what the people that share them or
11:39
taught them to us did. But we never stopped that and
11:42
get curious and ask questions like this is actually apply
11:45
anymore. Is this actually accurate today?
11:49
Is this actually moving the needle forward in creating
11:53
confidence, safe, open spaces for me and other women?
11:59
So when we show up with curiosity and the desire to
12:02
support and know our own story and others, when we show up this
12:06
way individually, it creates an invitation for other women to
12:12
join us. You just carry yourself in a way
12:15
that really kind of sends out a message to people, sends out an
12:20
energy of others wanting to know how can I get a dose of what
12:26
she's got? How do I get to where she is?
12:30
And that's really for me, how my journey started when I started
12:34
thinking about these things, gosh, 910 years ago when I was
12:38
feeling unsettled and, and knew that there wasn't something I
12:43
wasn't tapping into in my own story, there was Aries that
12:46
hadn't been healed and dealt with.
12:48
I felt like I should have been more content than I was.
12:51
So I started getting curious. I saw other women that seem to
12:55
be operating that way. And I started asking more
12:57
questions and started inquiring. And that's what happens when
13:01
with someone who's done that work on themselves, who's
13:04
confident in who they are, but also curious.
13:08
I call it a kind of a humble confidence where you know you,
13:12
you have a lot to offer. You know you have a right to be
13:17
in the room and take up space, and you also know you don't know
13:19
everything and there's opportunities continue to learn
13:23
and grow. I've mentioned to Susan David
13:27
before, I'm a big fan of her. She talks a lot about the
13:30
emotional agility and compassion, and I'm going to
13:34
share some information with information that I gather from
13:37
her on a regular basis. And if this is from her work,
13:41
emotional agility, feeling empathy, and being experienced
13:45
by others as empathetic are not the same thing.
13:51
Empathy becomes real when it lands.
13:55
So let's say that again, feeling empathy and being and that being
14:01
experienced by others as empathetic are not the same
14:06
thing. You may feel the empathy, but so
14:09
an example would be you feel very empathetic.
14:11
So you show up and you start helping someone or supporting
14:15
someone in you the way you think they need, but you don't stop to
14:19
actually ask them what they need.
14:22
You're being empathetic and your intentions are good, but you're
14:25
not feeling empathetic to them because you haven't actually
14:29
stopped to be curious and ask them about themselves and what
14:33
they need. So here are three ways to bridge
14:37
the gap. Listen fully without rehearsing
14:41
your reply. So that means, and this is so
14:44
difficult for me, I have a very hard time with this to this day
14:48
because I came up in an environment where I was always
14:52
ready with an answer, ready to defend myself because that I
14:56
felt like I had to be kind of armed with my answer because I,
15:02
I get a lot of pushback and I've had to unlearn that.
15:06
And, and I'm still unlearning it.
15:07
And it's a can be a very frustrating scenario in
15:11
relationships. And it's been very frustrating.
15:14
I know in my family with me for years because I, it's, it's a
15:18
long time habit that I've really had to be intentional.
15:21
So stop, pause, intentionally listen fully look them in the
15:28
eye without rehearsing your reply.
15:32
And it takes time and practice. It's still going to be churning
15:35
in your mind, but really so you can really fully hear what
15:40
they're saying and then pause and reply according to what
15:46
you've heard, not which what you thought it was that you needed
15:52
to say because you were rehearsing it in your head and
15:55
not listening fully. So being really slowing things
15:59
down, asking them to repeat things if the rehearsing, if
16:02
your brain is going crazy, say it back to them to make sure you
16:06
heard it correctly. That's something I'm still
16:09
learning to incorporate. But it can be really powerful to
16:13
make sure you heard them and or heard them properly or that
16:18
that's what they meant for you to hear.
16:21
You know, maybe they're having trouble communicating it.
16:23
So that can be a great way to make sure you fully heard them
16:28
and then make space for discomfort without rushing to
16:31
solve a problem. If something comes up in this,
16:36
in this conversation where it's like I thought this or I thought
16:40
that or that's not going to work for me, It's like, OK, so this
16:44
isn't what I thought it was. And me showing up this way that
16:48
I've been showing it was actually causing more problems
16:50
when I thought I was helping. And maybe I, I can remember next
16:56
time to ask sooner. Great lesson here, but what
17:00
what? Maybe we need to take some time
17:02
and space away and return to this tomorrow so we have time to
17:06
settle, so we have time to think about it more.
17:09
You know, unless it's something that has to be solved right
17:11
away, it's kind of an emergency situation.
17:15
I know as me, I want to, I want everyone, my loved ones to be
17:19
happy. I want to run in and fix things.
17:22
And sometimes it just needs to be felt and heard and sat with
17:29
and, and to give them time maybe to come up with a solution
17:32
themselves or for them to have time to think about how I can
17:37
actually support them without me rushing to fix it.
17:40
So make space for discomfort, acknowledge emotion.
17:46
You don't have to agree with someone in order to say, I see
17:52
you. If there is something that you
17:56
they have been really impacted by, has surprised you in any way
18:00
or you weren't expecting, or maybe you have some different
18:03
thoughts about in that moment when they're feeling so much,
18:09
just listen. Just nod and listen.
18:13
And, and maybe later on there's time once things have settled,
18:17
but in that moment isn't the time to necessarily address the
18:22
disagreement. You can see this is impacted
18:26
them, you care about them. And so there is a time to just
18:32
let people be seen and heard and feel safe with you.
18:36
And then there's a time to come back and actually address the
18:39
situation and solve it in a way that can be helpful and
18:45
beneficial. Sometimes the compromise that
18:47
everyone can live with, but you don't have to agree.
18:50
I think this is the key situation, especially in the
18:53
environment we're living in the world today.
18:56
I, I, you're human, this is clearly impacting you.
18:59
I see you. I honor and, and, and want you
19:04
to feel supported and safe to feel that emotion right now,
19:08
even if I don't agree or understand it completely.
19:13
That is when that the empathy that I'm talking about, that's
19:18
when it creates connection. So it's one thing to experience
19:23
and feel the empathy. It's another thing for it to be
19:26
delivered in a way where it creates connection.
19:30
This is what showing up unapologetically for yourself
19:34
and for other women looks like. It's that creating that
19:38
connection, honoring that lived experience.
19:41
It's different than yours. You don't understand, but it's
19:45
different and it's clearly impacting them.
19:48
And so being instead of judgmental or making assumptions
19:54
about things, you really listen deeply and learn and honor the
19:59
different lived experiences and ways people.
20:03
Process things, feel things, experience things.
20:06
That's when this empathy that you're feeling really lands,
20:10
creates connection, creates opportunities for growth,
20:13
creates opportunities to show up for each other.
20:15
Well, it's what helps a child feel safe, A-Team feel seen and
20:21
a stranger feel like a neighbor. So that's from Susan David.
20:28
I highly recommend following her.
20:29
She's got so much on emotional agility, but I thought that was
20:32
such an important context to share here today as we talk
20:37
about this very important topic. OK, to wrap things up, some
20:41
final ways to engage this week as you're thinking about this,
20:45
A, what makes you feel supported?
20:48
How can you do that for yourself and, and how do you communicate
20:53
that well to other people when it's necessary be?
20:56
Is this something you're doing for other women?
21:00
Is there opportunities to do that?
21:02
Again, asking those questions, being curious, are you assuming
21:05
something that maybe isn't actually supportive that you
21:09
need to step back on? So these two areas, what makes
21:12
you feel supported, doing that for yourself, communicating that
21:16
well to others and asking other women what makes them feel
21:21
supported and ensuring you're showing up in a way, even if
21:24
it's them saying, I just need you to listen.
21:27
I don't need you to do anything. Being willing to step back and
21:30
honor that and tell or unless they give you a different
21:34
message, even if you disagree with it, you, you are honoring
21:38
their request. You're continuing to be a
21:40
present, safe place that they can come back to.
21:44
And if you do have something different to offer, you're
21:47
asking in a supportive way. Like, I just have one thought.
21:50
Can we consider this? And if they say no, then you
21:53
say, OK, let me know if there's a time that you can and that's
21:56
the end of it. And like I said, I'm talking
21:59
about this not because I've nailed it, because this is
22:01
something I'm learning and practicing all the time myself.
22:05
These two areas are really good place to start.
22:10
And I'm going to add one more thing to that.
22:12
Think about how many times you say I'm sorry this week, maybe
22:16
journalist and trap. How many times you say I'm sorry
22:20
for things that aren't actually yours to be sorry for and let's
22:25
rethink and then substitute it when you track that thing.
22:29
That is something you shouldn't be apologizing for, that you
22:33
shouldn't actually be saying I'm sorry for.
22:36
Reword it. Come up with different language
22:39
that reinforces you not continuing to use the quote
22:45
sentence. I'm sorry, but other ways that
22:48
you can say that and it's just practice.
22:51
It took me a year and a half of super intentional practice to
22:55
break this habit. I still do it every once in a
22:57
while, but not nearly as often as I used to.
22:59
But like I said, things we've been doing for a lifetime take
23:02
time to shift and change. So it takes an intentional plan.
23:06
So those are the three things. What makes you feel supported?
23:08
Are you communicating that is is are you doing this for other
23:12
women? Asking them what makes them feel
23:13
supported and being responsive to that and tracking your I'm
23:18
sorry and making sure you get those in alignment for where
23:21
they actually belong and not apologizing for things where we
23:26
actually don't owe anyone an apology.
23:29
All right, I know that's a lot this week.
23:31
If you need any further support, go to embracinglayers.com.
23:34
Fill out that contact form. I've got all kinds of resources.
23:37
Let's get together and have a 30 minute call to talk about it.
23:42
But otherwise, take good care of yourselves.
23:44
Know that you are valuable, you are worthy, and you get to
23:48
choose. Have a great week.