Latest / From Sad Pick Me Girl to Alchemist / Episode 13 - Your Past Shouldn't Get to Date Your Future
Transcript
- Denise: Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of From Sad Picnic Girl to Alchemist. If you're new here, here I talk all things self-love, spirituality, and connecting with yourself through sharing my stories. And with that, today I really want to talk about heartbreak and also betrayal. Because I think that those are two things that many of us, arguably all of us, have dealt with at some point. And There's this common belief that you need to get over these things in order to progress. And I don't believe that. I don't believe that you ever get over certain heartaches, certain disappointments, whatever you want to call them. Sometimes I think that it's not a matter of getting over these things. It's learning what you needed to from them and doing your best to see the good and the see the good in the world despite them. And the reason that I bring this up is because I was having a discussion with people throughout the week. I've speak to a lot of people, particularly people who are navigating dating, trying to find love. And one of the common things that I'm seeing is that their perception of the world and other people are largely dictated by past experiences. So for example, say somebody has been cheated on multiple times, they go into the next person dating, whatever you want to call it, the next meeting with these thoughts in the back of their head. And There are these projections that they're not even conscious of, right? They're thinking, the world is always out to get me. I am not meant for happiness. This person needs to prove to me otherwise. And if you're going with the mentality that people are guilty until proven innocent, then already you're not in a healthy space and you're not giving that person the fair chance. Now, does that mean that this person might not be good for you? Sure, it might. But if you go in with that belief, then already you're setting that up for I don't want to say failure. But you're not setting it with a healthy foundation. You're not into it, giving it the fair shot that it deserves. So it really is important to heal your betrayal wounds, heal your heartbreak, and understand that you cannot carry these things with you if you are looking for a healthy partnership. You have to learn to let them go. And this is not me speaking from a higher perspective, because I too, as I've shared in previous episodes, if you've listened. am navigating those very things and the wounds that have surfaced because of those. And I did a session with somebody, a healing session, and I really had to let go a lot of the anger. But ultimately there are still some things that I am working through. And the reason that I want to share this is because it's also important to note that The work doesn't necessarily end right away. And even when you think you've made phenomenal strides, sometimes you'll get pulled back, and then you have to find a way to get to the space where you want to be again, where you feel good, where you feel positive, where you have a good perception of the world. Because your perception dictates your reality. How you view the world and how you view people will be mirrored by the beliefs that you have. So I always say be careful of your thoughts, be careful of The stories that you're telling yourself and be careful of carrying past experiences into current ones. We don't need those past experiences to mold our perception of reality. And the point isn't to let go and get over the heartbreak and betrayal, it's to learn from it and to learn to navigate life in a different way. Use your discernment. I think that these things happen to us to strengthen our discernment. But In much the same way as when you lose somebody and I know this is an example that May be a little extreme, but I want to use it anyways. When you lose somebody to death, you don't get over the death. You learn to live without that person. Does that mean that you don't miss that person? Does that mean that you don't love that person? No, it doesn't. That person will always be a part of you. You will always carry them with you. And that is how we can view heartbreak, betrayal, and grief. If we let somebody go with love, and yes, I know it's difficult, and yes, I know it's seemingly impossible, especially if that person has wronged us, but when you carry that anger, it's just going to stay trapped within you. So you have to figure out a way to release it. And oftentimes that is letting that person go with love. And sometimes that person did the best they could and it wasn't enough. And sometimes that person just outright acted nasty. But the point remains, understand that they are also a human on their own path and let them go with love. when I say it, I know people are rolling their eyes and saying, Okay, no. But again, when you harbor anger, it is going to affect you more than that person. It's going to affect your perception of other people, and it's going to affect any new relationships that you're wanting to form. And I will continue to highlight people who do help with this modality of letting go of the anger because I don't want it to eat you up inside. I don't want it to eat me up inside. And If you think of past betrayals and you still feel that anger, it's you're holding on to something and you need to face it. And I know it sucks to say that you have to face these things. Because I think oftentimes we want to just sit in them and let it boil over or we want to push them off and think, I don't even want to think about that because it makes me angry. But you have to face the feelings head-on because if you don't face them head on, they will continue to resurface. Those are subconscious beliefs, those are subconscious feelings that are trapped within your body and let them go. to let them go. I was thinking this weekend too, I was very triggered by a comment someone made on one of my posts and they said something along the lines of how women are competing for the top 10% of men, and if we would just give other men a chance then we wouldn't continue to get our heart broken. And that comment triggered me so deeply. And I knew there was a reason. So when you're triggered by things, there's something in you that you need to look at. And maybe you're not aware of. And for me, it's this narrative that I'm telling myself that I'm not going to find what I had before because on a surface level, this person had everything that I wanted in all areas. And I've told myself, well, you're not gonna find that. That's not something that's common. And so when that person said that, it brought that belief to the surface. And what it comes down to is still having love for that person. But I want to be able to understand that just because you love somebody doesn't mean you have to take action on it. You let them go with love. You let them go understanding that they played a significant role in your life and you may never completely say get over it for lack of a better term. But You move on despite that. You don't need to carry the weight of that relationship and that heartbreak everywhere you go. And I'm giving myself time. Of course, I've given myself plenty of time, maybe too much time. And that's where it's it's getting difficult because I I am ruminating and telling myself this subconscious belief and I'm not putting myself out there because I think if I continue to put myself out there and I'm met with disappointment, then I'm to feed this belief. So I'm putting it out there in the world because if you have something that triggers you, something that somebody says maybe about your dating life, it's because it's something within you that's subconscious and it's it's bringing it to the surface. So face it. Face it and heal it so you can move on and actually experience a healthy relationship. I'm certain that the core of many of us not being able to find a healthy partner is because we are carrying the weight of past experiences. Those of us that are out there, we're either looking to mirror the same feeling that we had with a previous partner, or we're going in there thinking, This person's just going to treat me the way Chad and Brad and I don't know what other common names are out there. Chris has treated me. I'm sorry if that's your name. Those are just the names that came to my head. So you're not going in there with a clean slate. And that's not to say that we don't all have past traumas that we're dealing with, but you do not want to project those onto the next person. And that's why I think it's important for you to sit with yourself. And I know that there's a balance. People will say, I've sat with myself. I've been single for X amount of time. Okay. Well, what have you done to actually improve yourself? Are you actually looking at yourself? Are you actually doing things to improve? Or are you just sitting alone in the comfort of your solitude? Because that's also not how you find your person. And when I say find, I don't mean desperately looking for your person, but doing things to naturally attract somebody who is at the same frequency as you, who is also searching for love, who is ready for a partnership. There's a balance. There's a balance between solitude, and there's a balance between eagerly looking for somebody. But you have to say it's step one. Figure out what you're carrying, what beliefs you're carrying, what heartbreak you're carrying that you're taking on subconsciously to new partners, new potential partners when you go out on dates. And two, navigate the world if you are looking for somebody. in a way that puts you in positions where you can meet people. I always say if you have different hobbies or interests, go and try those. And I know it gets difficult because even for me sometimes I'm like, I don't want to go out to somewhere, I dunno I don't know, like a a restaurant where there's people hanging out outside in the patios because it's like, do I really want to talk to new people? I'm tired. I've worked all day. I'm working on the podcast. Like, ugh, that's just not priority. But just go out. Push yourself past your comfort zone a little bit. Otherwise you can't expect for things to find you. This doesn't just apply to love, of course, but that is one of the big things. So I really encourage you because I get demoralized, especially in this world where everyone has something negative to say for those of us who are single. I always hear things like everyone that's single at this age is single for a reason, of course. Yeah, because we haven't found somebody that's compatible. And you'll hear, well, what you're looking for doesn't exist. You're just gonna have to settle. That's a second thing. And all of those things are difficult to ignore. Especially when the external is not mirroring to you what you believe. But I heard something the other day too on a podcast is that when the difference between people who succeed and those who don't, and this was more in a business perspective, but I think that it can be applied to love as well. is that you have this delusional belief that you will achieve what you want, despite the world telling you otherwise. And so you continue and you move about in the world knowing that what's for you will come, but you have to put in the work too. You can't just expect for these things to fall in your lap. So it's that belief system that okay, maybe I haven't met my person, but maybe this person that broke my heart was the mirror of what's going to happen. They had these good qualities, but once I choose myself and once I learn the lessons that I meant to learn, then somebody's going to come with the qualities that I admired about that person and loved about that person, plus whatever it was that was missing that ultimately led the relationship to end. And yes, there are going to be tons of people telling you otherwise, tons of people saying, yeah, okay, well, that's not real. Those expectations are real. And of course, some expectations are unrealistic. That's not saying that some aren't. But sit with yourself and think, okay, where what are my non-negotiables? And I know we hear this all the time, but what is it that I'm exactly looking for a partner? What qualities was it? Write them all down or meditate on them, visualize them. And then think what are the things that I'm willing to compromise on. Like for example, for me, I always say, I want somebody who works out and is also a dad. And the reason I say work out, that's a non-negotiable for me, because for me it is about a lifestyle, it's a a values thing. But what is negotiable is a dad. It doesn't have to be a dad. Being a parent can be exhausting and you have to prioritize certain things and your free time isn't necessarily just this time where you can just forget about everything. There's still things with the kids that you have to do, right? Sports and after school activities and school open houses and there's a spirit day every other day it seems at my kids' school. But either way you get the picture. It's negotiable because if someone understands that, then of course they don't need to be a father. So bring those things in writing or put them out somewhere in some way, shape or form and understand where you're being uncompromising and maybe just surface level and where it's actually a values thing and something that you need in order to be happy. That you need in a partner in order to really be able to expand because I do think that the point of partnerships are expansion. We choose partners because we can only do so much on an individual level. And the partners we choose are to help us collectively grow to fuel our passions together, to fuel our goals, to be able to perform What our soul's purpose is. If you're already doing that, then it's to increase the impact. And that is why I also think that so many relationships are suffering because they don't have that. They go for the qualities like, well, I had attraction and I'm willing to compromise everything else. I'm speaking to myself here. Like I was attracted to that person. It doesn't matter if they don't want to. do things with me, like activities and they want to live their separate life completely and I'm just here when they're able to hang out with me. I don't want that either. I want a real partner. Somebody who makes plans with me. Somebody who is able to talk business ideas and how to help impact the world on a greater scale with me. But also has their own life, of course. I always say The best relationships don't come from meshing lives completely and just becoming one. But it's really two powerful people deciding that they are going to achieve something and helping one another in some of the areas where one person lacks because we all have our strong suits. And I refuse to Settle for anything less. And people will tell me, well, you're going to have to settle if you want to find somebody. Well, then maybe I continue to just pursue what I need to pursue then. Maybe I find fulfillment and wholeness in another way. And it is very difficult. But I think that all of this is also ties back to what your soul's purpose is on earth. Because if you're struggling to find a healthy relationship, it's something within your soul's blueprint that you need to identify in order to get there. I've shared many times that my purpose here is to help people with self-love, help people uncover their connection to spirit, and to really clear that path so that they can live a life of alignment. And I know that I was very focused on finding a partner before my career or we'll call it soul's purpose before achieving my soul's purpose. And that's not the order that I had planned for it to go. I know that in order to attract the partner that I was meant to attract, I needed to be in fully in my power, fully in my purpose, or at least making the necessary steps and really Putting forth the effort to do so and making that my priority, not love, not meshing my life around somebody else and when they want to spend time with me. That's not it. And that's where I was abandoning myself in this past relationship. And when I think about why it's been so difficult to get over, I will say it's because of the qualities. It was so close, and I saw something the other day as well that I really believe to be true is that. Right before you catapult into your highest timeline. And when I say your highest timeline, it's catapulting into the path that you were supposed to take, that your soul came here to accomplish, you will meet somebody who will have many of the qualities that you've asked for. When you ask for a soul partner, that they will have those. And you'll think, my gosh, this is the person it's meant to be. I have to make it work. And that's not it. It's a relationship where you're still meant to learn a little bit more about yourself. And when that relationship ends, you can choose to ruminate in it and think, What could I have done better? Or you can take it as a We'll call it a little breadcrumb from the universe, or a large crumb from the universe. Showing you what what's possible. What's possible when you actually live in alignment. What's possible when you actually do what you came here to do. And I know that I've delayed a bit because I am still in that space where I go back and I'm like, well what if that's not true? What if I'm delusional? What if that was it? And that was the best I'm going to do. And when I say the best I'm going to do, I really mean the resonance, the strongest resonance that I had. What if that's the most I the deeply I ever feel? And if you're struggling with that, know that that's not true. somebody told me that they heard you only have that deep feeling for somebody one or two times in your life. I don't think that there's a limit when it comes to the people that will resonate with. Do I think that there are souls out there that we will feel s more strongly about? Absolutely. Do I think it's a lot of them? No. But I think if you follow the path, you meet those people. And there's one, your highest partner, the partner that is what's meant for you. They're out there and they're seeking you too. But it takes both of you doing what you need to do to attract one another. So are you doing what you need to do? Are you living in a space of resentment and thinking that the world is against you? Or are you choosing to see the good despite what's happened? Are you letting people go with love or are you harboring anger and resentment and then projecting those onto the new people that you meet? And if you're struggling, I was too, and sometimes I still do. And though I do have a deeper connection to spirit, I know that I need to strengthen it more. I know that I need to quiet my mind so that I'm able to hear what I need to hear. And that's why I always encourage Oracle decks or any way that you feel that you can connect to what you believe in so that you can take the steps that are necessary in order to let everything go and really live your highest timeline. And that is why I am putting together a way to connect you with a healer that I feel like could benefit what with whatever it is that you are struggling with, something that you are not able to let go of. Because I do think sometimes it does require external help. And I am someone who has dabbled in many modalities and not one single one has been the magic fix. It's been following the nudges and trying different ones and Some have had a greater impact on one single visit, whereas others it's taken a little bit of time. It's chipping away at things. But remember, we're talking about a lifetime of experiences. You can't just go into one session with somebody and think that there's a magic fix. That's not how it works for anything. So I am really excited to make this live, stay tuned. I will definitely keep you all posted here on the podcast on how I plan to put together the people that I trust, the people that I know know what they're doing, the people that I really believe have a deep desire to help people in an ethical way and not in a way that isn't self-serving. Because they too have struggled and they too have found a way to make their pain to turn their pain into power. To turn their pain into a way to help others struggling with the same things that they have had to overcome. So again, stay tuned as I put that all together. Thank you all so much for continuing to listen and to support me. And if you enjoyed this episode, I encourage you to share it with a friend. If you could rate the podcast, I would appreciate that immensely. And again, if you would like to connect with me, my Instagram is Denise B. Miller. And I have my TikTok as well, Denise B. Miller. I pride myself on being responsive, but I also am a human with limited energetic capacity. So please bear with me. Again, I appreciate you all so much and I will see you next week.