Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #189 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#189 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, how can I be better? Because yes, what I
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  Speaker 2: did was wrong, but that doesn't make me wrong or
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  Speaker 2: a bad person.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 3: Well, we've made it to the end of the first
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  Speaker 3: week of the podcast and we're getting all geared up
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  Speaker 3: because well, school is getting closer and closer by the day. Hello,
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  Speaker 3: this is doctor Justin Colson, the author of six books
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  Speaker 3: about raising happy families. I'm here on the Happy Families
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  Speaker 3: Podcast with my wife and partner in podcasting. This is
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  Speaker 3: Happy Family. Is Kylie Colson, mom to our six daughters,
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  Speaker 3: and we're back at the Friday edition of I'll Do
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  Speaker 3: Better Tomorrow. Now. For those of you who are new
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  Speaker 3: to the podcast the idea of I'll Do Better Tomorrow
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  Speaker 3: is basically, we look at parenting insights. We kind of
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  Speaker 3: reflect on the week and think, what do I learn
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  Speaker 3: this week or what went well or what can I
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  Speaker 3: do better as a parent next time? Maybe it's tomorrow,
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  Speaker 3: maybe it's next week. Just you know, next time I
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  Speaker 3: have that incident going on. So, Kylie, why don't you
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  Speaker 3: go first, because I always go first. I get so
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  Speaker 3: carried away, so excited, but I reckon this time, you
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  Speaker 3: should go for it because you've been you've been doing
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  Speaker 3: some reading, some study.
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  Speaker 2: Well, you know, one of my New Year's resolutions is
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  Speaker 2: to actually spend more time in books. I have a
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  Speaker 2: love hate relationship with books. I absolutely love them, but
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  Speaker 2: I just seem to struggle to make time for them.
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  Speaker 2: So this year, I've changed it up. I've already finished
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  Speaker 2: one book and I'm now trying to finish a book
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  Speaker 2: that I've been trying to finish for about two years.
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  Speaker 3: I bought this book for you a long time ago.
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  Speaker 3: So it's a Brene Brown book.
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  Speaker 2: It's Brene Brown, and it's daring greatly and I actually
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  Speaker 2: I have tried to read it twice before, and I
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  Speaker 2: have loved what I've read. But the problem is there
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  Speaker 2: ends up being these big gaps between my reading and
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  Speaker 2: then I have to start again third reading of the
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  Speaker 2: first few chances.
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  Speaker 3: We love Brene Brown, and if anybody knows her or
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  Speaker 3: knows how to get in touch with her, we would
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  Speaker 3: love to have her on the podcast. I'm just putting
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  Speaker 3: it out there. I mean, you never know who's listening.
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  Speaker 3: And who knows, So shout out to Brene. Anyway, what's
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  Speaker 3: your parenting insight? Your your thing's going to help you
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  Speaker 3: to do better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 2: I didn't pick this book up to help me with
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  Speaker 2: my parenting, and Darren greatly is. I guess it's coming
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  Speaker 2: off the back of the Roosevelt quilt.
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  Speaker 3: The Roosevelt quilt. I didn't know Roosevelt was a quilter. Well,
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  Speaker 3: it's the Roosevelt. Roosevelt quote was it warm for winter?
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  Speaker 2: It's not the critic that counts. You know, everybody knows that.
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  Speaker 3: The man in the arena quote, that's right, the one
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  Speaker 3: whose face is marred with dustin blood and tears, who
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  Speaker 3: I can't remember. I used to have it memorized. I
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  Speaker 3: love it.
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  Speaker 2: Well, it's one of our favorite quotes, and in the
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  Speaker 2: past we have memorized it with the kids, and so
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  Speaker 2: I'm really I was really drawn to it. And so
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  Speaker 2: she talks a lot about, you know, showing up and
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  Speaker 2: being in the arena and not accepting other people's opinions
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  Speaker 2: of ourselves if they're not willing to be in the
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  Speaker 2: arena with us, right, And one of the things that
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  Speaker 2: she really tackles is the difference between shame and guilt.
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  Speaker 2: And it really resonated with me because I have experienced
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  Speaker 2: both in various situations and specifically when it comes to parenting,
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  Speaker 2: and so often we actually use we kind of interchange
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  Speaker 2: the two.
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  Speaker 3: They're very very different, they mean really different things.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, And so her definition was the difference between
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  Speaker 2: shame and guilt is best understood as the difference between
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  Speaker 2: I am bad and I did something bad.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, what I did was bad. That's when you feel guilty,
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  Speaker 3: But when you feel shame, you actually internalize it as
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  Speaker 3: a reflection on who you are as a person.
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  Speaker 2: That's right. And so, you know, as I look back
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  Speaker 2: on some of the experiences I've had, I have lived
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  Speaker 2: into that I am a bad person. I'm a bad mum.
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  Speaker 2: What I did was so so intrinsically wrong. I can't
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  Speaker 2: come back from that, you know. And then other times
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  Speaker 2: are are going, you know, that was actually really bad.
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  Speaker 2: How can I do something? You know, do better next time?
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  Speaker 2: And so what I've loved about our Friday episodes is
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  Speaker 2: that opportunity to reflect and look back and go, how
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  Speaker 2: can I be better? Because yes, what I did was wrong,
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  Speaker 2: but that doesn't make me wrong or a bad person.
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  Speaker 3: As a result of it, or maybe a better way
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  Speaker 3: to say it is it doesn't make me wrong overall,
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  Speaker 3: it just makes me wrong in that moment I write
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  Speaker 3: about it in the start of twenty one days to
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  Speaker 3: a happier family. One of the biggest moments in my
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  Speaker 3: parenting life was where I completely blew it with our
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  Speaker 3: eldest when she was just two years old, three years old,
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  Speaker 3: whatever it was, and that sort of led me to
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  Speaker 3: leave my radio career, go back to school, spend the
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  Speaker 3: next eight and a half years as a full time
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  Speaker 3: student before I got my PhD and started the life
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  Speaker 3: that we that we now live, where I work with
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  Speaker 3: parents to have happier families. But I remember thinking to myself,
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  Speaker 3: I'm a bad father after I'd had that awful moment
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  Speaker 3: with our daughter. With Chanelle, I really believe that I
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  Speaker 3: was a bad father. Now that was That was a
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  Speaker 3: whole global assessment of my value as a human being
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  Speaker 3: in that moment. In other words, I felt deeply ashamed.
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  Speaker 2: Well, and she talks about how shame is so paralyzing
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  Speaker 2: for us, and I'm just going to read you a
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  Speaker 2: tiny little excerpt that just really stood out to me.
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  Speaker 2: She said, just like Roosevelt advised, when we dare greatly,
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  Speaker 2: we will err and we will come up short again
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  Speaker 2: and again. There will be failures and mistakes and criticism.
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  Speaker 2: If we want to be able to move through the
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  Speaker 2: difficult disappointments, the hurt feelings, the heartbreaks, the bad decisions
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  Speaker 2: that we make that are inevitable in a fully lived life,
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  Speaker 2: we can't equate defeat with being unworthy of love, belonging,
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  Speaker 2: and joy. If we do, we will never show up
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  Speaker 2: and try again. Yeah, And I just love that because
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  Speaker 2: as a parent, I'm going to get it wrong, and
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  Speaker 2: not because i want to, because I'm human. But if
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  Speaker 2: I live into that feeling of shame that I'll never
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  Speaker 2: try again, I'll never try.
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  Speaker 1: To be better.
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  Speaker 2: And as a mum of six beautiful human beings, I
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  Speaker 2: want to be better for them.
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  Speaker 3: I want to show up.
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  Speaker 2: And so each day I'm going to get back in
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  Speaker 2: that arena and I'm going to fall down and I'm
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  Speaker 2: going to find a way to get back up. And
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  Speaker 2: that's what I've learned this week, which I've just loved.
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  Speaker 3: That's beautiful. You know, one thing that I'd briefly add
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  Speaker 3: is that the kids rely on you to get up
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  Speaker 3: the kids rely on you to not let that shame
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  Speaker 3: defeat you, to not let the guilt overpower you, to
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  Speaker 3: not live into that idea that you can never be
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  Speaker 3: good enough, that you are a bad parent. They're so
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  Speaker 3: forgiving kids. They just rely on us so much that
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  Speaker 3: they will forgive some things that really shouldn't be forgiven
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  Speaker 3: quite frankly, but kids will forgive because they just want
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  Speaker 3: us in their lives so badly. That's awesome. Hey, in
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  Speaker 3: just a second, I'm going to share with you an
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  Speaker 3: insight that I had that really changed things for one
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  Speaker 3: of our kids earlier this week.
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  Speaker 1: Oh wait, it's their Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 4: Our Screens Creating Tension at Home, Tweens, Teens and Screens
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  Speaker 4: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions.
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  Speaker 4: Bye today at happy families dot com, dot au slash shop.
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  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 3: Now, Well, we're looking at how we can do things
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  Speaker 3: better tomorrow. And I haven't experienced this week, missus Happy
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  Speaker 3: Families that I was so excited about our six year
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  Speaker 3: old Emily not doing very well at all, really cranky,
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  Speaker 3: having a massive tantrument. She's been having a few of
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  Speaker 3: those lately. I think the school holidays are starting to
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  Speaker 3: wear head down.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's interesting even, you know, you look at it
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  Speaker 2: through the term. Everybody's really excited at the beginning, and
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  Speaker 2: as the term comes to an end, everybody starts to
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  Speaker 2: get really tired.
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  Speaker 3: Me to break holidays, Yeah, go back to school.
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  Speaker 2: We're really excited about having, you know, a lack of
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  Speaker 2: routine and just lack of structure, and we get to
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  Speaker 2: a certain point where our bodies kind of just go.
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  Speaker 3: We need that strug back. Yeah, And I.
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  Speaker 2: Think we've seen it more and more in our little Emily.
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  Speaker 3: So she's been hard work, big tantrums. And so I'm
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  Speaker 3: a bit type A. I don't relax particularly well. I'm
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  Speaker 3: not a let's just stop everything and be mindful and meditate.
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  Speaker 3: I do teach people how to be mindful, and I
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  Speaker 3: try to encourage it in the kids, and I even
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  Speaker 3: try to do it myself, but I'm not great at it.
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  Speaker 3: But Emily was having this meltdown, and I stepped into
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  Speaker 3: the room and picked her up and gave her a hug,
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  Speaker 3: and she pushed back and fought, and she was really,
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  Speaker 3: really cranky. And fortunately, in that moment, I was actually
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  Speaker 3: pretty good. I was I was pretty relaxed and calm
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  Speaker 3: and just knew that she needed my help. She didn't
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  Speaker 3: need me to be cranky at her. And so I
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  Speaker 3: did this thing. I did this mindfulness practice and it
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  Speaker 3: just you know, when you practice a little strategy and
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  Speaker 3: it works with the kids, and I just nailed it.
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  Speaker 3: And I can't even remember what it's called now, it's
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  Speaker 3: been so long since I read about it, but it's
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  Speaker 3: basically getting the kids to connect with their senses in
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  Speaker 3: account back five three to one way. So I asked
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  Speaker 3: her if she could tell me five things that she
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  Speaker 3: could touch, and she was pretty cranky and she said no,
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  Speaker 3: my god. And so I gently said, well, I can
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  Speaker 3: stay with you and we can find five things that
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  Speaker 3: you can touch, or I can come back soon. Would
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  Speaker 3: you like miss stay or go? And she sort of
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  Speaker 3: went ah. I said, well I'll stay. Let's see what
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  Speaker 3: can you Oh no, we didn't do touch. Sorry we
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  Speaker 3: didn't see. What are five things that you can see?
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  Speaker 3: Because it's very easy to see five things? I said,
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  Speaker 3: can you see me? And she said h I said,
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  Speaker 3: can you see the bed? I said, oh, well, that's two.
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  Speaker 3: What else can you see? And then she sort of
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  Speaker 3: giggled a little bit, and she gave me two or
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  Speaker 3: three other things that she could see until we come
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  Speaker 3: up with five things. But she was still really cranky,
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  Speaker 3: and I said, okay, well you can see all those things.
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  Speaker 3: Now let's do four things that you can touch. And
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  Speaker 3: she started to play the game with me. She gave
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  Speaker 3: me four things that she could touch, talked about the
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  Speaker 3: carpet and her clothes and my knee that she was
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  Speaker 3: sort of leaning against and whatever else it was. And
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  Speaker 3: then I said, okay, so that's five things we can
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  Speaker 3: see and four things we can touch. What are three
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  Speaker 3: things you can hear? So I sort of stepped her
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  Speaker 3: through the senses, and she told me that she could
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  Speaker 3: hear the birds outside or the cicadas I think it was,
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  Speaker 3: and she could hear the fan worrying above us, and
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  Speaker 3: she could hear my breathing or her breathing or something.
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  Speaker 3: And they said, well, what are two things that you
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  Speaker 3: can smell? And she told me two things that she
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  Speaker 3: could smell. I think one of them was my art
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  Speaker 3: to shave. And then she cupped her hands over her
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  Speaker 3: mouth and said, I can smell my breath and I
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  Speaker 3: was like, oh, that's disgusting, and so she started to giggle,
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  Speaker 3: and I said, well, what's one thing that you can taste?
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  Speaker 3: And I don't remember what she came up with, but
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  Speaker 3: they're the five senses, right, What can you see, what
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  Speaker 3: can you touch? What can you hear and smell and taste?
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  Speaker 3: And by the time I'd done that, it probably took
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  Speaker 3: about a minute and a half, maybe two minutes. She
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  Speaker 3: was so calm, she was so easy to deal with,
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  Speaker 3: and we had like a fifteen second chat about, you know,
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  Speaker 3: next time you're feeling upset, what else can you do.
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  Speaker 3: I gave her a big hug and that was it,
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  Speaker 3: Like it was just it was just epic. And it
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  Speaker 3: reminded me of how effective mindfulness can be to ground
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  Speaker 3: us when our emotions are really big. You know. The
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  Speaker 3: other day we were talking about psychological distancing, and we
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  Speaker 3: talked about all those psychological strategies that we can rely
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  Speaker 3: on there with temporal distancing and channeling an inner mental
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  Speaker 3: mentor or imagining you've got an audience. But sometimes, especially
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  Speaker 3: for little kids, just bringing them into the present moment
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  Speaker 3: by focusing on their senses just calms everything down.
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  Speaker 2: So if you find just a hug works really well.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, well she didn't want to hug anybody in that moment.
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  Speaker 3: She was pretty feral. So anyway, that's my that's my
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  Speaker 3: old do better tomorrow, that's my insight, just focusing on
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  Speaker 3: those five senses.
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  Speaker 2: You're lucky you didn't end up with the lion kiss.
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  Speaker 3: You know, a lion kiss? What's a lime?
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  Speaker 2: Kissa?
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  Speaker 3: Oh, that's disgusting. I hate it when she does that.
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  Speaker 3: Did you teach her that?
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  Speaker 1: Oh?
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  Speaker 2: I did not.
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  Speaker 3: She got it from somewhere and it wasn't me, missus Gorton.
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  Speaker 3: That's gross. Well, anyway, we hope that this has been
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  Speaker 3: a useful episode for you in making your family happier,
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  Speaker 3: whether it's overcoming guilt and shame, or whether it's helping
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  Speaker 3: your kids to ground themselves during tantrums with some mindfulness
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  Speaker 3: practice and tuning into their senses. That's really what the
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  Speaker 3: purpose of the podcast is, to help you to make
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  Speaker 3: your family happier. If you've enjoyed the podcast, we'd appreciate
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  Speaker 3: you leaving a review at Apple Podcasts. Those ratings and
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  Speaker 3: reviews help other people to find out about the podcast
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  Speaker 3: and how they can make their families thrive and flourish.
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  Speaker 3: We really appreciate the work of Justin Ruland who produces
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: the podcast from Bridge Media, and our executive producer is
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  Speaker 3: Craig Bruce. And if you'd like more information about how
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: you can help your family to flourish, especially if you'd
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: like to have ongoing monthly support via our amazing Happy
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: Families memberships, just visit happyfamilies dot com dot au.