Latest / Voice Notes to the Universe / Voice Note #127 — Wait, I'm the Problem?!
Transcript
- speaker-0: Child. Do speaker-1: you speaker-0: you know what? Do you know what sucks? What really, really, really fucking sucks. is when you realize and then somewhat come to terms with the fact that you're you're the problem. You're the fucking problem. Like you are the emotionally avoidant, emotionally unavailable person in the relationship. Wait what? What what? Wait, I I'm the problem. I'm I'm the unhealed person in the relationship. What the fuck? Shut the fuck up. That's speaker-1: you speaker-0: not true. How did that happen? I've always been the more mature and healthier speaker-1: you speaker-0: and more self-aware. person in a relationship. What what the fuck? What do you mean? I'm I'm emotionally unavailable and avoidant. speaker-1: you speaker-0: Emotionally avoidant. goodness. What speaker-1: you speaker-0: the fuck? That doesn't feel fair. speaker-1: Hey speaker-0: And I'm I'm really I'm I'm kind of coming to terms with the fact that I I have a problem. I have a problem. And it's speaker-1: you speaker-0: not that I have a problem. I I I speaker-1: you speaker-0: it's a fascinating insight into my not really mean just my psyche, but my heart. Where my heart is. Where my heart is currently. But I I I have come to to realize that love and getting into a relationship kind of terrifies me a little bit. and I don't think that I was I didn't see that. I really didn't. And there's just been so many things that have happened in my life in the last God, really since twenty nineteen. And I feel like that was for a lot of people. I feel like I'm not alone in this. I think 2019 was the start of so much for so many people. And I swear to you, it's only unfortunate wild and crazy as each fucking year goes by. Like, my god. What is even happening? I don't even know. speaker-1: you speaker-0: But I I do I'm really realizing that I, you know, on one hand I'm like, yes, I want I want a relationship, I want love, I wanna find my person. At the same time, I'm somewhat energetically pushing everything away. speaker-1: you speaker-0: You know, 'cause I I am. I'm really s nervous. And speaker-1: you speaker-0: it's not well, listen, if we're gonna be honest, I've not been in another relationship. I it's been three years since I've speaker-1: Thanks speaker-0: been single. And the first year was speaker-1: you speaker-0: I don't know, I was not looking for anything emotional. I didn't really want a relationship. I really just wanted sex. That's really what I wanted. I'm not gonna lie. That's all I wanted. I didn't want anything deep. speaker-1: you speaker-0: You know, and I will be honest, I was like, Okay, th it just it could have been a one night stand, it could've been two nights, it could have been speaker-1: you speaker-0: a couple of weeks but I wish just that was like I just didn't. I didn't. I I wanted just the comfort of a man and that's the truth. I didn't want any no strings attached, which typically he would think would be a man's dream. You would think that that would be a man's dream. But the last guy right, he was the last guy, he was nice, he was sweet, he was actually looking for he was looking for a relationship and I was like, Nope. You're getting the speaker-1: you speaker-0: feels, I'm gonna nope. I was like, I really need to focus. I really need to focus on my career. I need to focus on myself and on my career. I'm really sorry. But listen, I'm always very always transparent. I was always very transparent. Like I'm not looking for anything, I'm just speaker-1: you speaker-0: here now. Right? I'm just here now. And I just wanna kinda be in the present moment and just enjoy each other and like no speaker-1: you speaker-0: strings attacks. No ch no strings attached. No like this is just what it is, right? It's purely you know, have a good time. Physical that's it. I just I didn't and so but it's been like You know, but then I was like, what am I doing? It wasn't fulfilling. It really wasn't. You know, I was searching for something that I just mm I I couldn't the itch wasn't getting scratched, right? On multiple levels. But I was like, Okay, you know, and that's when I really I took time and I was feeling very guided by spirit. and asked to speaker-1: you speaker-0: put a lot of things down for a little bit and sit with myself. speaker-1: you speaker-0: To sit in the void. And it there was a lot of healing that happened in that space. speaker-1: you speaker-0: And But it strengthened something within me. You know, and and there was all sorts of chaos and things going on and like speaker-1: you speaker-0: initiations from spirit and the universe. And everybody has a different opinion on this, but I was on this unknowingly, like unwittingly, unknowingly, and you know, for a while. And everyone has a different mm. speaker-1: you speaker-0: thought or feelings when it w when I say this, but on this the twin flame journey. I hate that. I hate the way that like but it's it's really just you know and it that whole thing is so toxic and I have like so many thoughts on it, but now's not the time. But speaker-1: you speaker-0: So, you know, y was just not forced, but kind of. And I was like put in isolation for a while. And and but it helped, right? It I strengthened this this love for myself and and you know, my love for the universe and my love for spirit and my love for, you know, Mother Gaia. And I I don't know, it's just been a wild ride and I feel like I'm rambling. But going back to I feel like we there's only so much healing that we can do on our own. I mean, let's think about it, right? You can read all the books, you can go to therapy, you can do the somatic work and you can do the nervous system regulation, right? Mm and everything's great and hunky dory when you're kind of on your own or you're in isolation because you you know, for whatever reason. Probably because like for me I was like I was just I just needed a break, right? 'Cause I don't I was going through the motions for that first year and so much had happened and I'm like living my life and I'm traveling and I'm doing this. I'm like, yeah, life's great, blah, blah, blah, blah. not really realizing that I was not okay. I was not. I wasn't okay. speaker-1: you speaker-0: And then I was forced to have to to sit. speaker-1: you speaker-0: I was forced to be in this, I guess you would say, this liminal space of speaker-1: you speaker-0: existence. And There were times where it felt painful, there was times it felt unfair, there was times it felt like so stagnant. speaker-1: you speaker-0: Then there was times of such deep gratitude and appreciation and such a like a soulful rest. speaker-1: you speaker-0: so it's all these things just jumbled up together. But so you can do this, you can take this time, but but Here's here's where it gets interesting is because eventually you've gotta come out of hibernation a nation, baby, right? And and you get to a point too where you know, and I'm I'm struggling and I'm I'm learning to put my guard down. You know, the the wall I had to build the wall, you know, to protect me. And I did, I needed to, so that I could protect myself enough to really work on me and and and heal a lot of really d deep shit. And speaker-1: you speaker-0: then but then that becomes its own like thing do you need to heal from? And well that's not the best way to explain it, but it it It blocks you from from to continue to heal. You the the wall that once did protect you now makes you stagnant. speaker-1: you speaker-0: You know, because it we're I guess everybody can feel differently, you know? speaker-1: . speaker-0: But I feel like if we can make strong connections with like minded people in a positive, healthy way, community is incredibly important. At least it is for me. speaker-1: . speaker-0: And perhaps for some people it's not as important, you know? But it is and it is and I'm really realizing so much about myself is that I do really need a lot of time to myself. I need to be in my own energy. I get very I'm speaker-1: you speaker-0: and I say that I'm very sensitive and I am, but I I kind of love and I dig it that I'm such a sensitive person because it's because of the fact that I'm so sensitive. speaker-1: you speaker-0: is the reason why I see the magic in the world. It's why I have this ability to communicate with the universe. speaker-1: you speaker-0: You know, I I feel everything and it's not just, you know, an emotion. speaker-1: you speaker-0: It's like deeper than that. I feel it in my body. I just I'm I feel the frequency and the vibration and speaker-1: you speaker-0: the energy of everything around me. speaker-1: you speaker-0: You know, not just people and the earth and the wind and the animals and the trees and the you know, birds and all that but like everything and it's like the electronics and speaker-1: you speaker-0: earth walkers and I just I feel it off. And it's kinda cool. I kinda dig it actually. But it can be feel overwhelming and I've had to learn how to how to navigate through that and how to work with the energy in a healthy way. And I've learned so much and it's so cool. So I have been grateful for this time, truly. And I'm I'm still kind of in the space, right? Like it's like it's the space of I and I I know I'm not alone. That's the thing. I know that I'm not alone. There's a whole there's a whole group of people I feel like particularly speaker-1: you speaker-0: women or the feminine. So really I say women, but really it's the feminine because a male can be working through their feminine energy currently. Because I'm working through my feminine energy and my masculine energy, right? But I digress. But speaker-1: You speaker-0: I know I'm not the only one who who feels like there's one you've got one foot. There's like actually like three three timelines coexisting as one. speaker-1: you speaker-0: It's like I've got there's a piece of me and it's like I'm fragmented. And I'm I'm doing my best to call myself home. Right? Because, speaker-1: you speaker-0: you know, yes, there's so many different pieces of us, or different pieces of me at least I know. And so speaker-1: you speaker-0: there's all these different parts of me that I'm calling home, but then they're all in like these different timelines of existence, baby. You know, there's There's those pieces of me in the past. And then there's those pieces of me from childhood which feel completely different than the past. Like that's its own thing. And then there's pieces of me and the now and the present. And Then there's pieces of me speaker-1: you speaker-0: like I can feel the next step, right? Like I can feel, I've already feel things, felt things shifting, right? Right? We've already felt the the jumping of timelines and and you know all of this, and you can feel that energy shift. And speaker-1: you speaker-0: you're like, okay, I know, I know that speaker-1: you speaker-0: my manifestations are coming in, I know. my I'm just waiting for the external. You know, you're you're like w you're you're waiting for the external world to show you what it is you already know is here, right? So this energy speaker-1: you speaker-0: is like, okay, I'm here, but I'm here and like, okay. And you're just working through your residual shit, right? And so this is when like things start to come into your life. And now you're starting to kind of come out of your shell a little bit, right? You're going out, maybe you're talking to people more, and you're getting more out within the community, whatever that looks like for you. And you know, and now it's kind of like okay. Now things start to happen, you meet people, and then you're like, What the fuck? This is like speaker-1: you speaker-0: this is same energy, different. different face. Like what is going on? Why? I thought we worked through this. Well, these are the moments. It's and people say, the the universe is testing. No. Listen, don't look at it like I don't look at it like that because I'm very mindful with my words. Mm thoughtful. Maybe thoughtful is a better word than mindful. I'm thoughtful with my words. In meaning that speaker-1: you speaker-0: I I if my belief speaker-1: You speaker-0: and this is just my belief in my my my conversations with spirit. speaker-1: you speaker-0: Is everything has energy, including our words, our thoughts, our every breath, you know, our our attitude. Everything has energy and we infuse the energy and the meaning of things into everything, especially our words. And speaker-1: you speaker-0: I think sometimes we speak without truly taking the time to think, speaker-1: you speaker-0: process, maybe understand and listen and and and just being thoughtful with our words. So I don't so to me in my mind when I think of test, I'm like, ugh, ugh God, I don't want like a test. It's like a an annoyance. It's a negative. I look at it as a negative thing. speaker-1: you speaker-0: So I switch in and say, okay, it's not that it's not the universe testing me. This is giving me this is this is a sign, number one, that my manifestations are coming in. Mm-hmm. This is a sign that I know that I've quantum leaped, right? I've jumped timelines, whatever you want to call it. Everything's shifting. My manifestations are coming. So I'm gonna take this as a sign. And this is exciting. So now let me be curious here for a second. And what can I learn from this situation? If this is coming back around, I meant to either learn something or do something differently. speaker-1: you speaker-0: And so this time around, I'm like, okay, well, I've already like integrated. I already have the wisdom. I've already gone through all the trials and initiations and I I've gained the wisdom. I know what it is. I mean, we always have there's always room to evolve and expand. But it's like in this moment in time, I know that I've gone from that and now it's it's time to this is integration. How it's one thing in theory But can you, you know, can you now practice it in the present moment? And so I know this time around it's being called for me to do things differently. And so it's interesting and it's kind of fucking liberating. And I love that I'm like, wait, I can see it. I can see it. Like, okay, I get it. So you just it brings me back to like, okay. I'm so much more in tune with my intuition. I'm so much more am I perfect? No. Am I still working on shit? my god, yes. Right? But this goes back to And being in hermit mode and, you know, realizing like, because through all this, I'm like, shit, I'm kind of avoidant. And I'm like of this anxious attach anxious avoidant attachment. speaker-1: you speaker-0: I'll never forget. This was a while ago. I said to my therapist, I was like, Yeah, I really am thinking. I feel like I'm like, in fact, I just know. I have this this anxious avoidant attachment and it's exhausting. And she just it was it came, it was it was innocent, but it was it was so raw and it was so truthful. She put her head down, she goes, god, I hope not. And I started to laugh. It made me my god, it made me laugh. I was like, Why did you why did you say that? And she looked up, kind of slightly mortified that that came out. And she said she just looked at me and said she said, It is it's so difficult to work through. She said this is one of the hardest things to work through. And my fucking god, she's not wrong. It is it's it's intr it's it's speaker-1: you speaker-0: dance dance dance like okay. And see this is and this is what I've realized. Because F I'm a little neurotic and and not listen, I'm Workin through stuff, right? This goes back back to before, say ramble on. Instead of saying, first of all, when things happen Same energy, you know, different face. Going back to that. I know I'm skipping. first of all, that's a good sign because you know your that's a this your manifestations are coming. And then you your practice. Use this as practice. Stand there with curiosity. What can I do different? Right? But be curious about it. Ask yourself different questions. Because if it's coming around again, most likely and you're in that position, you're in that state. most likely you kinda already know the answer, right? But you're just you're you're not thinking outside the box, right? You're not standing there with curiosity and asking yourself different questions. Because then it'll come to you. It will if you just sit sit in the void with yourself, with spirit, with your higher self, with your body, because your body can tell you so much. you'll you'll you'll figure it out. So so I look at it as like this is just practice. And also it's it's mm also because it it it's like okay where am I am I feeling anything physically in my body. This is also for me to allow that energy to move through me and kind of integrate and speaker-1: you speaker-0: just settle into my nervous system. 'Cause there's always emotion that comes like, ooh, like I don't know, I get like jittery or I get nervous or I get scared 'cause like, it's like you want these manifestations to come in, but it's kinda scary if they actually happened. You know, 'cause these are some things I've worked been working on for fucking years, dude. Years. speaker-1: you speaker-0: And for shit to all just kind of happen and like you know it's gonna happen. And then spirits like you you even though you know it's gonna happen, it's gonna It's gonna knock you for a loop, girl. You're never gonna see it coming. Even though you know shit's gonna pop something could pop off at like any second. Like that's where you are. You even though you know it's coming, ain't never gonna see it bitch. And then I hear Spirit say that's exactly the way you designed it, right? Because you didn't want to be surprised. You don't want to know everything in life. And so speaker-1: you speaker-0: It just goes back to the way we speak to ourselves. So I say, this is just practice and a sign that I know things are coming in. Because then then you kinda just like, okay. You're like, I know everything's working out. Let me just be curious. Let me kinda play. Let me do my thing. Let me use this time as preparation, refinement. Because there's things that I'm working on, right? And and it's like okay I've been guided to to to in certain directions and work on different things. It's like okay, let me let me take this time to speaker-1: you speaker-0: just have fun, right? Have fun and play and Kind of rest before things come in, right? Because it's coming. It's it's speaker-1: you speaker-0: there. And it's for you too. Like it's it's for so many of us. We just have to believe. We just have to we have to believe, right? It's It's like speaker-1: you speaker-0: the Polar Express. You you have to believe. And and trust. Just trust that everything's gonna work out. Trust yourself that you're doing the right thing and and it will always work out. The universe always has your back. Always Man, speaker-1: Thanks. speaker-0: if you're fucking walking in your Dharma. If you are open and you're just love and you know, even you don't have to be perfect with love, man. Just speaker-1: you speaker-0: just love as best you can, you know. I F God knows I've got a shadow. I've got some really nasty stuff running through my blood, baby. You know, but I love that about me too, and I love that about other people too. Anyway, alright darling. Just another another voice note to the universe. speaker-1: you