Latest / Afzal's Reset Entropy Podcast / Why One Comment Can Stay With You All Day

Transcript

Why One Comment Can Stay With You All Day · Afzal's Reset Entropy Podcast

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yesterday, I was talking with a few people, and we got onto something quite funny because everyone immediately knew what we are talking about.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: And in today's episode, I'm going to talk about the same thing, and I'm pretty sure everyone of y'all will relate to it the most.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine you're about to sleep, everything is quiet, and suddenly your mind brings back a conversation from earlier in the day.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: You think I should have replied like this, and then another response comes, an even better one.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now at night, you have all the clarity and confidence you wish you had when the person was actually standing in front of you.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Slowly and steadily, you start assigning meaning also.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Did this person meant this?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, no, this is what it meant.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: This is how I should have replied, and so on and so forth.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Now it's funny when we talk about it together, but when you're alone and replaying that moment, it doesn't always feel funny.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes one sentence someone said to you can stay in your head for hours, especially in that silence overthinking zone when you're preparing to sleep, when your body is preparing to calm down, and that silence is when it plays the most, and the conversation you have with yourself afterward can become much harsh than the conversation that actually happened.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I want to explore today.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Why does one comment stay with us?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: What are we doing when we keep rewriting our responses?
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: And how do we know whether there is something we genuinely need to address or whether we have become caught in a conversation that ended long ago?
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Think of an ordinary situation.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: You show someone a piece of work, they look at it and say, This part could be clearer.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: You nod.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: You may even agree.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: You make a note to change the part.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: That should be the end of it, right?
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: But later, while doing something else, you hear that sentence again.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Then your mind begins adding things.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: The person didn't actually say that.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they think it's not good at I'm not good at it.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the whole thing was bad.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I shouldn't have shown it yet.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: You can go from one comment about one part of the work to a judgment about yourself as a person.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: And once that happens, you are no longer only dealing with feedback, you are dealing with meaning you gave that feedback.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be careful here.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes a comment does contend important information.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the other person was unkind.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you really should go back and have a conversation about what was said.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: The point is to see clearly what happened before you decide what to do with it.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because the words they stole, the action you need to take, and what you started believing about yourself are three different things.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: When they get mixed together, even a small correction can feel enormous.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Let's come back to that nighttime movement.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Why does your perfect reply arrive hours later?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: In the actual conversation, you're doing several things at once.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening, you're noticing their expression, you're trying to control your expressions, your body movements.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: You're consciously aware of a lot of things and subconsciously doing a lot of things.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: You're trying to understand what they mean.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: You are choosing your words while the conversation is moving.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: At night, the other person isn't there.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: You can pause the scene, change one sentence, and imagine it going exactly the way you want it.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can deliver a response without having to hear what they say next.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: So, of course, your reply sounds better in your own head.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: But then we use that imagined reply to judge the person we were in real moments.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Why couldn't I say that?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Why did I just smile?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Why did I let that speak to me that way?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Those questions may show you that something matters to you, but if you keep asking them only to punish yourself, you can replay the scene 20 times and still not know what to do tomorrow.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: At Reset Entropy, I am interested in what happens next because this pattern can travel.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: One comment at work stays with you, and the next time you have an idea, you wait longer before sharing it.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine you're given a center stage, and previously you said something or you meant something and someone agitated you and said something else all the way on the stage, and that has kept that fear inside you.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: And whenever you remember your body starts going in that secure zone as well, and whenever the next opportunity arrives, let's say presenting a thing or something or the other related to speaking in front of people, you hesitate the most.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Or how will I expect you to just stop overthinking?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: If you could simply switch it off because someone told you to, you would probably would have done that already long ago.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: And why even with someone else with your own saying?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: I would rather ask what did that comment touch in you?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Was it about the work in front of you?
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Was it about wanting to be understood?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Did it bring up a failure fear of being seen as incapable, difficult, or foolish?
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: We don't have to force a deep explanation for every uncomfortable moment.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Rather, whatever arrives first, just deep dive into that with three more whys.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Ask why, why, why.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: So same thing.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Start with what you can actually observe.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: The first thing.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: The second line, what if anything needs my attention?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you need to correct a detail.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you want to ask what they meant.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you need to tell them how the conversation landed for you.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe there is nothing you need to do.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: The third line is, What did I begin believing?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: This meant about me.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now that line may sound very different from the first one.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: This part could be clearer in one sentence.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: I am not capable of doing this, is another.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Seeing them side by side won't necessarily remove the feeling immediately, but gives you a chance to respond to what happened instead of treating every thought that followed as a fact.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Many times you get to a baser or basic version of what is the meaning being associated here by you.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: There is another possibility too.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the comment was hurtful.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't know how to respond at that time.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: You're allowed to realize that later as well.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: You can say, I've been thinking about what you said earlier, and I want to come back to it.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: You can ask what the person meant, you can tell them how you understood it.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: In some situations, you can decide that you don't want to continue the kind of conversation with them.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: You haven't missed your only chance to have a voice just because the perfect response didn't arrive in the first five seconds.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: That matters.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Especially for people who think if I didn't say it, then now it's too late.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's still worth saying, you can return with a calmer, clearer version of what you mean.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes you don't need to go back to another person.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: You need to notice that your mind has been trying to win an argument that is no longer happening.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: You imagine a sharper response, then you imagine how they would react, then you improve your response again, and you keep going because no version gives you the certainty you wanted for the real conversation.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: At that point, I wouldn't stop asking what should I have said for a moment.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'd ask, what am I hoping that perfect reply would give me?
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: That is basically what is the intention behind it.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: What am I looking for?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you wanted them to understand you.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you wanted to feel respected.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you wanted to prove to yourself that you could stand up for what you thought.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Once you know that, you can choose a real action.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: You might speak to them, you might prepare one honest sentence for the next time this happens, or you might acknowledge that the conversation is over and let yourself stop rehearsing it.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Anyways, you are going to attain knowledge about yourself, calmness about the situation, and stillness within yourself.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: The next time a comment follows you through the day, try this before bed.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Write the three lines what was said, what needs attention and what you made it mean about yourself.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Then decide on one next step.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Even if that step is I'll ask for the set of clarification tomorrow, write it.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to solve every feeling tonight.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: You also don't need to spend the night conducting a better version of a conversation that has already ended.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because believe me, that takes away a lot more of your time, your energy, and your emotions to do that.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: So, yesterday, when we were talking about all the replies that arrived just before sleep, I laughed because it was so familiar.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: We can all sound incredibly clever when we are alone with an old conversation.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: But beneath the funny f funny part is a useful thing to notice.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: The moment itself and the hours we spend replaying it are different experiences.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: If there's something you still need to say, give yourself a permission to say it.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: If there is feedback you can use, take what it is useful.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: And if one comment has turned into a verdict on your entire self, go back to your exact word.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: See where the comment ended and the story about yourself began.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: Break the loop, reset reality.