Latest / What The Heck with Matt Bellassai / Huffing Bleach, Heated Rivalry’s Ugly Ds, and Bird Man Revealed?!

Transcript

Huffing Bleach, Heated Rivalry’s Ugly Ds, and Bird Man Revealed?! · What The Heck with Matt Bellassai

0:00
We did have butterflies in like first grade and then on the day
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when everybody took their butterflies out to fly, mine
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just kind of immediately flopped to the ground.
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Welcome back to What the Heck with Matt Bellassai, a podcast
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about what the heck is going on, what the heck is happening, and
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all the things that make me say what the heck.
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A lot of stuff to talk about this week, beginning with a
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certain coffee chain that will remain nameless because I should
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not be going there Listen, famously, it was my birthday
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last week. A certain coffee chain.
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If you are a rewards member, you get a free drink on your
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birthday I woke up this morning, I hadn't used my birthday reward
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yet I said you know what because I've been making coffee at home.
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I've been saving thousands of dollars every month making my
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own coffee from home. I realized like I'm just making
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drip coffee. I'm not even going that crazy.
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I don't need to be going to a coffee shop every day to get my
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coffee. I can fully make and I have like
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a nice drip coffee machine. But anyway, this morning I was
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like, I'm going to treat myself. I'm going to go get my birthday
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drink. Haven't used that reward yet.
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Pull it up. Expired, expired after seven
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days. You better count your fucking
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days. I'll be bleeping that out.
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Yeah. And then I looked at it, 'cause
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I was like, what the fuck? Seven days?
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I mean, a part of me respects the idea that like once your
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seven days are up, your birthday is over, cause a lot of people
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are playing too much with their birthdays.
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After a certain age. If you're celebrating your
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birthday beyond like a 72 hour window, you need to be put down.
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But I, I was not obnoxious about my birthday.
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If anything, I underplayed it quite a bit.
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And but the one thing I was looking forward to is my free
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coffee, my free iced coffee. And then I was deprived of that
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because I didn't read the terms and conditions that I believe
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changed it because I've been doing this for like the last 10
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years. I get my free birthday drink.
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Frankly, I did not receive enough free birthday stuff from
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brands. Normally every birthday you get
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sort of there's emails coming through.
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Hey, free dentist visit on us. We'll, we'll look at one tooth
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for free. The rest you're going to have to
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pay for it. But this time I was like, fuck
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you because then I looked and apparently there's like
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different tiers to the rewards members.
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And because I haven't been going, I've been making my own
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coffee. I I maybe drop down a tier
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because the other tier you have 30 days to use your birthday
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reward. Mind you this is the 8th day.
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Also, it wasn't like I waited over a month.
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It was my birthday was August 2nd and today is OK the 10th.
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So it is kind of but no, that's the eighth day.
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My birthday was on a Sunday and it this is the following Monday.
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Pretty unfortunate that I decided to get it on this day.
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I would. I wouldn't have no, I would have
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had no idea It's. Been so high.
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It's been so hot, I didn't want to leave my apartment.
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It's actually would have been dangerous of me to leave my
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apartment to get an iced coffee. And so why don't you think about
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that exactly? I'm basically elderly.
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They're sending me AARP stuff in the mail.
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It would have been unsafe for me to go get my free drink.
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Now it's safe for me to go outside because it was a little
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bit chillier this morning. Still still blazing hot outside.
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If anything, I saw a thing today that was like, guess what?
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We're in for another week of flash floods and dangerous heats
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that are that will be starting wildfires.
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Not great. It's not great.
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A lot of stuff is going wrong. I did spend the weekend doing a
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a pretty deep clean of my apartment or at least phase one
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of my deep cleaning. Do you know about cleaning?
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I have, I have. Was kind of not aware that you
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could be doing all this. I was scrubbing.
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Oh, I was scrubbing. I was pretty disgusted about
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what some of the stuff that was coming off on that rug and rag,
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which is what I meant to say, but also the rug.
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I mean, yeah, it's pretty upsetting sometimes when you go
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to clean and then you wipe. You wipe with a rag and then you
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look at the rag and you say, uh oh, when did it come to that?
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But I did a lot of scrubbing. I'll tell you what, I'm not a
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fan of bleach. What is happening with bleach?
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Does everybody know what's in bleach 'cause I certainly don't
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what is? But that is kind of a real
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question. What is bleach actually?
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It's too powerful for me to just be buying over the counter.
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You're they made me show an ID at the at the store to purchase
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a BIC lighter. OK, which I didn't have on me at
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the time, so I couldn't purchase it.
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My friend had to purchase it for me.
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Can you tell me I just go buy a a jug of bleach to be pouring
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all all over my apartment? I think I used too much bleach
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in my bathroom 'cause I was who? Boy, I was huffing and puffing
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that night. I had it was like in my nostrils
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At dinner later that day, I was like, I can smell the bleach
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coming off of me. It was in my pores.
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By the way, I don't think. I think it's like a code
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violation. My bath.
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These bathrooms have no ventilation, no window, no
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exhaust fan. There is like a tiny little vent
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in the corner that I don't know if they're claiming is an
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exhaust fan. It's not exhausting shit.
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I'm exhausted because there's no fan that I can unless there's a
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fan somewhere along the kind of shaft that goes through
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everybody's kind of bathrooms along that apartment line.
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Either way, my my shower's getting moldy as fuck and it's
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disgusting and I don't know what to do about it.
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And I'm assuming that's kind of what is controlling my brain at
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all times. I think, I think my body is
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going full sort of Last of Us and I'm being controlled by the
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the mold in my shower. So anyway, sort of doused it in
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a pretty terrifying amount of bleach, but we still don't know
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what it is. It's a a dilute.
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Typically it refers to a dilute solution of sodium hypochlorite.
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Sure. A fun fact I just learned is
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that liquid bleach is one of the few compounds capable of fully
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annihilating DNA, which is why it's used in lab equipment.
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So much, yeah. I mean, if you watch a single
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episode of Law and Order, I think you would find that out.
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I. Mean, I guess it's like I knew.
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CSII. Guess I knew that, but just the
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term annihilating DNA and then what you were just talking about
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of like huffing and puffing it and like, yeah, feel like yeah,
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that probably wasn't good. No, I'm not going to lie, I was.
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I was using the toilet after I had cleaned and there was a
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point when I started coughing and I was like did I just create
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mustard gas in my toilet? So if you pair it with things
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that have ammonia in it, yes, you sure did.
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Right, which is AKA my urine. And so I was like, I'm, I'm
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maybe like low key yellow gassing myself, Yeah.
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It seems like you cut you. According to the Internet, you
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kind of maybe did a little bit. You have to rinse the bleach.
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But I'd flushed to the toilet before.
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I didn't pour bleach down and then piss up on top of the
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bleach. But I also 'cause I got, I saw a
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TikTok that was like you need to be using stuff with bleach in
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it. If you're getting sprays.
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The only thing that is like really sanitizing your shit has
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bleach in it. So I was like, OK, I kind of
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wasn't doing that before. I kind of was just using some
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disinfecting wipes on everything, which as far as I'm
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concerned was doing the same exact thing because that's what
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the little bottle says. But TikTok was like, you got
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it's got to have bleach. And so I was spraying.
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I was spraying bleach left, right and center, and it was on
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everything. So yeah, did I probably not
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rinse it all away? And then I peed on it and then I
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sort of mustard gassed myself. Yeah, but I'm still alive.
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But yeah, I was like, I really don't know what bleach is one of
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my least favorite things. And it's a very like white
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woman, like Maha, like I I will only put like perfect Whole
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Foods into my body is when people are like, do you know
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what chemicals are in your food? Look at this.
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Look at the oh, oh, this, this has sodium chloride in it.
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That's fucking salt, you bitch. It's like everything has a
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chemical name, you dumb ass. Everything is made of chemical.
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That's just like a word for stuff.
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Everything is carbon or something, but everything is
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not. We're carbon based, but
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everything we're not all all carbon, right?
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No, because some of some of me is oxygen, some of me is.
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Most of me is bleach this week. But I think there's a mix going
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on. But yeah, it is nice because I,
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I wish I had that gene. I feel like I used to have that
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gene where when you're really trying to procrastinate
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something, you just start like deep cleaning.
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And at some point, I think when I downloaded Tiktok, it was sort
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of like, oh, and I'm procrastinating.
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I can just mindlessly scroll. And so I wasn't, I wasn't doing
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the same amount of kind of frenetic cleaning to avoid
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responsibilities. But it feels good when you have,
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like, when you've decluttered. Unfortunately, it does help a
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lot. I hate to admit it.
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I hate to admit when something improves my life.
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But also when you, like, spend the day cleaning, wash your
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sheets, and then you get to, like, slide into clean sheets.
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Yeah. Was I smelling the bleach from
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my clean sheets? I mean it was, it was like
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coming off of my because also there's no ventilation in my
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bathroom to try to like get the bleach smell out.
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I did. I slapped on some gloves and a
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mask though while I was using it.
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But like later that day, it was like trying to fall asleep.
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I also was like out and about a lot the past the past week and
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it I was seeing a lot of crazy stuff that's happening out
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there. Maybe it is because of the heat
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that people are just kind of losing it.
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Although one girl, I saw one girl in there's like a food hall
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that I live not far from. And she was sitting at a table
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in the floor like a high top in the middle of the food hall with
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a Hello Kitty blanket wrapped around her.
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And I said, I is she a genius or is she a psychopath?
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Did she escape from some type of inpatient asylum?
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Because it's like you see someone, it's kind of, it's akin
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to people travelling in the airport with pillows from home,
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like yellow stained pillows from it's never, you're never seeing
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a crisp white pillow in the airport.
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Someone's carrying their their pillow through the airport.
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It's going to be it's going to go ahead and be one of the most
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disgusting pillows you've ever seen, probably because they're
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dragging it through the outside air.
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I'm a big a big believer in outside clothes, inside clothes,
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the couch. I can sort of get away with
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where it's like, but like the bed, the bed is not seeing
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outside clothes. The bed is never seeing
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something that has touched the outside air except my skin.
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And even that I try to keep covered up for the most part.
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But where was I going with that? Oh, the girl with the blanket.
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Yeah, she was. She had that blanket wrapped
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around her. Of course it was filthy.
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But I was like, this is like, yeah, you do look kind of cozy
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as fuck in a way that I do envy. But on the other hand, here I am
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judging you and as as is everybody else, I'm assuming, or
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I'm just kind of projecting my negative energy onto the crowd.
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But I think we're we were all kind of like this is the choice
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a Hello Kitty blanket. But yeah, no, I I sort of envied
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her. That was one that was 1 crazy
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thing that I saw. I also I was walking through
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Dumbo, which is I don't know if for people who are listening not
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from New York and don't know Dumbo.
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It's like it has become an incredibly touristy neighborhood
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that shot that every influencer who makes their way through
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Brooklyn gets where it's like the street with the Empire State
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Building is perfectly framed in one of the kind of big things of
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the Manhattan Bridge. You cannot walk down that
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street. And me, a resident now, has to
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kind of weave my way through the crowds of influencers trying to
12:34
get their perfect shot. And then I saw there was a, a
12:38
man with like a Britney Spears snake.
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I don't know what those snakes are called, the yellow one with
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the spots. Wait.
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Can you describe? The guy?
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A very tall man, Brawny man, bald.
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Is he black? Black man Yeah, I was kind of
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avoiding any skin description, but that's fine to say, I think.
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It's, I think the, I think that's Kyle.
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The snake is Kyle. Why do you know the snake's
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name? Fort.
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Green Park and when I got over my fear of snakes, I got really
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excited when I met Kyle and Kyle and I were both the last.
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Thing I expected when I brought this up is that you would
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personally know the snake that I saw over the remember.
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The guy's name, but the snake's name was definitely Kyle.
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I don't know what that says about you that you know.
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You know the snakes name, but not the black gentleman who owns
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the snake. Well, that's like dog park
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rules. That's true, That's true.
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That's true. Banana pepper.
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I don't know my neighbors names, but I know their dogs.
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Names. Yeah, I know the.
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Snakes. OK, You're forgiven.
13:37
Thank you. But that being said, it was sort
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of shocking to me. I mean, I'm assuming most people
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who were interacting with that man, we're not like, oh, that's
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Kyle the snake. The way they complete strangers.
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I was watching just go up to this man and let him put a snake
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on you. I was like, what are you doing?
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That is crazy behavior to me. This is just a stranger in New
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York City that you're letting put not just a little little
14:01
tiny snake, but like one that eats people.
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I also saw one of those robot delivery drivers for the first
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time in the wild. I'd never seen one of those
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before, and I did not like it. I didn't like its energy.
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I didn't like how confidently it was rolling across the street.
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He should have been way more nervous.
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Was it the kind with the blinking eyes?
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Yeah, I don't like that. I don't like that.
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I don't like, don't give it a face.
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Do not give my delivery robot a face.
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I'll beat the shit out of that thing with a baseball bat if I
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owned one, if that robot is lucky.
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I don't own any sports equipment because I would have beat the
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shit out of it if I cared. But yeah, I don't like, oh, it's
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smile. Oh, it gives it, it gives a
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little it, it blinks a little bit and it gives you a wink when
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it drops off your pizza or whatever.
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No, I'll take a shit in that bucket.
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And it probably has cameras on every angle of it so you can't
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vandalize it. Fuck, I don't know.
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No, because I don't know if New York City proper has them.
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I was in Jersey City when this occurred and I did not care for
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the way that it was crossed out. It does seem like a very Jersey
15:05
thing to allow these these disgusting, but apparently you
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can kind of choose whether or not you want your if you like
15:13
DoorDash or whatever, you can say give me the robot or give me
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a person actually crazy if you choose the robot over an
15:20
individual, though, Unfortunately, sometimes people
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can't be trusted. And that's how we that's why we
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need to band together against the robots.
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It's the robots are winning because people are terrible.
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Unfortunately, we need to be a little less terrible so that the
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we have a case to make against our robot overlords, because
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right now it's looking pretty good for extinction.
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Isn't that sort of like the reason why AI could be such
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like, a, a fatal technology is because it's like if if at any
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point AI is in charge of like, weapons, it was like, yeah, it's
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going to pretty quickly determine that humans are the
15:58
cause of all problems and wipe us all out.
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Moving on to the news, what's happening this week in the
16:10
world, Heated Rivalry Season 2 has started filming and it's
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already getting out of control. It's already it's too much is
16:19
happening. And I don't think I don't think
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the Heated Rivalry fandom is responsible enough to be able to
16:28
handle the next several months of this process.
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They already had to put out a notification, put out a message
16:35
that was like, hey, do not come to set.
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Stay away. You're acting kind of crazy.
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It was nice. They worded it nice, but it was
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like, hey, in order for us to kind of make the show that you
16:47
love, do not come to the set and like crowd around and do all of
16:53
these crazy things, like let the actors actually do what they
16:56
came here to do, which is have a fat ass and like bump their
16:59
hockey sticks against each other.
17:02
They also announced the casting of like, I don't know if it's
17:06
going to be the Season 2 love story, but for people who are
17:11
familiar with the heated rivalry stories, I believe it is the
17:15
one. The long game.
17:17
No, the long game is the second one.
17:19
It's the one where one of them is the like, social media person
17:23
for one of the hockey teams. And the other guy is one of the
17:27
hockey players who got kicked off of his old team or traded
17:31
from his old team because he spoke out against some of the
17:33
homophobia and other harassment that he was witnessing.
17:36
And they did not like that. But famously, the character of
17:41
Harris, the social media guy, is kind of like frumpy.
17:45
He's kind of a little overweight.
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He's supposed to be like kind of chubby, kind of bearish.
17:53
And they cast for the character of Troy, the hot hockey player.
17:58
You know, it's a very hot actor. And then for the other guy, it
18:03
was also kind of like a conventionally attractive hot
18:06
actor and people are like, no, you were supposed to, you were
18:09
supposed to cast someone disgusting.
18:14
It's like everybody is being like, yes, this is about body
18:17
positivity. And like, it's kind of sucks
18:20
that for for people who wanted to see a more relatable
18:25
character with like a relatable body that you're kind of just
18:28
getting another conventionally attractive man.
18:30
That being said, Rachel Reed who wrote the Heated Rivalry series,
18:36
some of her descriptions over her characters are literally
18:40
insane and not something I would like to see depicted on on film.
18:45
OK, in one book she describes the Dick of one of the
18:49
characters and it honestly almost made me throw up it it
18:54
was a good that one was probably my least favorite book, in part
18:57
because this disgusting description of the Dick comes at
19:00
the beginning of the book. And it's like, I get that these
19:04
these books are, you know, you. Hey, if you're someone with an
19:09
ugly, disgusting Dick, you're going to feel represented and
19:13
that must feel nice. But for the rest of us, who who
19:15
don't want to imagine a disgusting looking Dick in our
19:19
smut? Kind of questionable.
19:23
Yeah, Ryan's Dick was thick and red, and the hair that
19:26
surrounded it was even more red. He tried to keep on top of
19:30
grooming the area, but his pubic hair was as unruly as the hair
19:33
that covered his head and face. His balls seemed too large and
19:36
kind of saggy. His Dick poked out of a lumpy
19:40
sleeve of foreskin. The head was fat and dark, and a
19:44
very prominent vein wrapped around his shaft.
19:46
Oh my God, this is the beginning of your fantasy gay sex book. 4%
19:53
into the book, 4% into the book. I was obviously I was reading
19:57
this on my Kindle. That is such an insane way.
20:02
And it's like, I know, I know, I, I know the way that she would
20:07
defend it is being like, this is not, it's like this is clearly
20:12
written by someone who sort of is interested in penises in an
20:17
anthropological way and not necessarily in like I would like
20:20
to. Explore that kind of way she's.
20:24
Married to a man. I don't know what the reason is.
20:28
I don't know what would compel someone to write that that
20:31
paragraph about an imaginary Dick.
20:34
And I'm offended as a ginger actually, that that is the
20:38
gender representation that I'm getting in my gay porn books.
20:44
But yeah, that is that that is a different thing.
20:46
And we'll see. We'll see when they eventually
20:48
cast that actor. Whether, you know, we get ugly
20:53
Dick representation. We'll see.
20:55
I will say one of the guys that they like hot, hot guy that they
21:01
hired or cast is one of the hot guys from the one night sex
21:08
movie. And I was kind of like, because
21:12
I got the egg from everybody in that movie just by association.
21:16
So we'll see. That was kind of the beautiful
21:19
thing about Connor and Hudson is that they were anonymous prior
21:22
to being on Heated Rivalry. And now he has the stink of the
21:26
one night only movie on him. But we'll see.
21:29
Hopefully no one will see that movie.
21:31
It'll be fine. Next, a man in Wales was
21:38
arrested after he dressed as the Grim Reaper and climbed on the
21:42
roof of a hospital to stare at patients.
21:50
OK, so you can't harass hospital patients anymore by dressing as
21:53
the Grim Reaper and looking into their windows as a portent of
21:57
doom. OK, I guess.
21:59
I guess men can't have hobbies. This is why they're talking
22:01
about the male loneliness epidemic.
22:03
Maybe if we let them do whatever they wanted.
22:05
Maybe this is what men need to get together in groups as the
22:08
grim Reaper stand on the roof of the local hospital and scare the
22:11
patients. I did laugh at the story a lot
22:15
when I first read it. And then I was like, imagine
22:17
being in a hospital. You're like fighting for your
22:20
life and you look outside and you see the Grim Reaper.
22:25
I do think that that would literally terrify me.
22:28
And I would, I, I would need to be hospitalized were I not
22:32
already in such an establishment.
22:36
This story is crazy because people were like, why did they
22:38
arrest him? Like it is that illegal?
22:41
Oh, so. Oh, So you can't just dress up
22:43
as the Grim Reaper and go wherever you want.
22:45
That's considered a public nuisance.
22:47
Apparently yes. In in Wales maybe.
22:50
It even, like motivates people in the hospital.
22:53
They're like, no, not today. And like they get really like
22:57
they get healed. Or it's the opposite and they're
23:01
like, oh, he's come for me. I guess I'll give in.
23:03
I, I, I do feel like, I believe that idea that like, especially
23:09
at the end that you're probably have some, it's some amount of
23:13
like mental kind of commitment to either being alive or not
23:18
Like, but who knows? I don't, I don't fuck, you know,
23:22
I dropped out of medical school by never going in the first
23:26
place. I so when I was a child that
23:31
because when I was like an overachieving high schooler, I
23:35
was like, obviously the only three jobs are lawyer, doctor,
23:40
male prostitute. I guess a male prostitute is
23:44
what everybody else in my school was doing so I could choose
23:47
between lawyer and doctor. I wanted to be a doctor until my
23:51
cousin was like, you throw up at the sight of like a slightly wet
23:55
booger. Which is true.
23:58
I threw up all over the back seat of my mom's car one time
24:00
because I I sneezed too hard and a booger came out.
24:03
She had to pull over on the side of the road.
24:08
But there were guys in my school though who did who did gay porn.
24:13
That was a nice discovery. Wow.
24:15
Yeah. There were two guys who I went
24:18
to high school with who I saw on a sort of a gay porn site.
24:22
And yeah, I studied it. I had to watch just to find out
24:28
kind of. And it did make me it's, it's
24:30
like when you actually have some semblance of who this person is
24:35
outside of it. I was like, it did not seem like
24:41
they were into it. If you're into it, then great,
24:45
but I was, it kind of seemed like they were doing it for the
24:47
paycheck. Unfortunately, you hate to hear
24:49
it. You like to think every, every
24:52
gay porn star is doing it for the love of the game and not
24:54
just because they want money. But there's some, there's some
24:59
Craven individuals out there who are trying to pay their bills or
25:03
whatever. Anyway, this guy dressed up as
25:07
the Grim Reaper and stood stood on the roof of a hospital.
25:14
But this was the part that got me.
25:16
He was ordered to pay £50 in compensation, 100 lbs in fines,
25:19
and 100 lbs in costs to the Crown Prosecution Service.
25:23
In addition, he admitted to stealing 30 to 40 lbs of cat
25:26
food and cat litter from Pets at Home and food and drink from the
25:31
Sainsbury. OK, so they just, they were like
25:35
hey why you dressed as the Grim Reaper?
25:37
And he was like, I stole a bunch of cat food.
25:43
Just just trying to distract from your one crime by admitting
25:46
to another crime. I don't know.
25:48
I don't know what was happening there, but I'm I'm glad it did.
25:53
Next. Did you see the duck and the dog
25:58
that are friends? No, tell me.
26:00
This clip was sort of going by on.
26:03
Wow, no, that's not a sentence. On the Internet, unfortunately,
26:07
this clip is, I saw it all over Twitter threads, everything over
26:11
the weekend. And it is from CBS News, which I
26:14
do kind of feel I feel guilty. I'm like, these are the kind of
26:18
stories that they're running instead of like the actual news
26:22
now. But that being said, it is a
26:24
great story when whenever I see 2 animals that are friends, you
26:29
better believe I'm clicking on it.
26:30
It's going to get me every time. I'm a sucker for a good oh you
26:33
know this tiger is friends with this ferret.
26:36
Love it. I'm going to click every time I
26:38
draw the line at reptiles I don't want to hear about.
26:41
Oh, the snake is friends with this gerbil or whatever, that's
26:44
his dinner. Oh, the snake is friends with
26:47
this elderly lady. She's going to get eaten.
26:50
There's always those stories that are like, oh, this snake,
26:53
this snake, like hugged this woman all night.
26:56
No, all the everybody at the comments are always like, he's
27:00
sizing you up so he can decide if he can swallow you in one go.
27:05
But anyway, there was this duck. Justin and Tori Canarelli almost
27:10
have a typical American family, two kids and a dog.
27:14
But then they've also got this duck.
27:19
There's a pan over to the duck that is truly cinematic,
27:22
theatrical, beautiful. Louis home after he hatched at
27:25
an elementary school on Long Island, New York.
27:28
It was supposed to be a short little visit.
27:31
Did you have, did you have like eggs in elementary school that
27:35
you had to like, take care of? At some point, yeah.
27:40
I remember, I I never remember them hatching.
27:43
Yeah, I was like, did our teacher just buy like a couple
27:46
dozen eggs from the store and put them in like a heated lamp
27:49
situation? Yeah, 'cause like, who's taking
27:54
care of those? We did have butterflies in like
27:57
first grade and my butterfly was unfortunately the one that got
28:01
pretty fucked up 'cause it was, it's like they have like a kit
28:05
for classrooms or something where it's like a little green
28:07
room thing and you get all of the little caterpillars and then
28:11
once they turn into the little, you know, chrysalis things.
28:14
Yeah, you they like hang them up from the top.
28:17
But we all like put our initials on it so you could see who's was
28:20
who's. And mine walked in one morning
28:23
and mine had fallen from the ceiling.
28:26
The like cap that it was attached to fell from the roof
28:30
of the thing and it was like on the ground.
28:32
And so my teacher was kind of like, I don't know, yours might
28:35
not make it, it it hatched or whatever you call it emerged.
28:42
And then on the day when everybody took their butterflies
28:44
out to fly, mine just kind of immediately flopped to the
28:47
ground. I was like, oh, there it goes.
28:56
And that kind of summarizes my life, I would say, is that my
29:01
metaphorical butterflies kind of flop to the crowd.
29:05
Anyway, back to this guy. Oh, a friendship built.
29:11
They're rolling around together. She started smiling again.
29:15
She started wagging her tail. She started I'm.
29:17
Going to start crying. Yeah, no, they're scamping
29:21
around. They're rolling around.
29:23
I am sort of like one of these days that dog is going to snap
29:26
and turn that duck into foie gras.
29:29
But no, in the meantime, I love this for them.
29:33
I don't know what it says about the state of the world that our
29:36
emotional support animals now need their own emotional support
29:39
animals. You know, things are going great
29:42
when your your service dog needs a service duck.
29:47
But yeah, I do love animal friends.
29:49
You know what other animal I think about that you don't
29:51
really hear from anymore? Anteater anteaters kind of fell
29:55
off. They used to be bigger in my
29:57
mind, yeah. Well, a is for anteater.
29:59
Exactly, it was always or aardvark, which they were trying
30:03
to convince us that fucking Arthur in his his library card
30:06
have an ass was an aardvark. You better be fucking joking me.
30:11
Look at Arthur in his bespectacled face and tell me
30:15
that that's a fucking aardvark. PBS, this is what's teaching our
30:19
children an aardvark. What the fuck does an aardvark
30:23
even look like? Let me look at this shit up.
30:25
Aardvark. That's not Arthur.
30:27
That looks more like an anteater than Arthur does.
30:32
Where are aardvarks? Seem like some Australia shit.
30:35
Oh, southern Africa. I'm learning that for the first
30:39
time. That's why people are like
30:40
Arthur is black. People say that Arthur is sort
30:43
of like the Huxtables, but for aardvarks.
30:48
Let's hope that Arthur's dad wasn't up to the same stuff as
30:51
as Bill. Arthur's dad was sort of like
30:56
dropping dropping tablets into the other aardvarks.
31:00
Glasses of glasses of Prosecco. I don't know.
31:07
The animals that they had on Arthur were crazy.
31:11
Oh, he's an aardvark. His best friend is the whitest
31:13
rabbit you've ever seen. And then Francine who is like a
31:16
monkey. And then the the rat teacher
31:20
gay. Gay.
31:26
Anyway, nothing on another viral video that I have not watched
31:30
yet was this blooper from QVC. This QVC lady is going crazy and
31:36
I haven't watched the video and I need to watch it.
31:38
It's this lady who's fluffing her wig from behind.
31:42
It's a QV C clip about they're selling a wig and this woman is
31:47
facing away from the camera fluffing her hair and this is
31:50
what happens. I love to show the texture and
31:54
this wave pattern again. It looks like you went and got a
31:59
blowjob at your blowout at your salon and it looks beautiful.
32:10
All right, so here's what's happening today.
32:12
We're having a huge beauty sale. Everything ships to you for
32:15
free, but that goes away at the end of the day.
32:17
I will remind you that this is a one time only price where the
32:22
price goes up at the end of the show, not the end of the day.
32:25
So we're going to save you $10 plus the free shipping and
32:28
handling saves you another 550. And you know what?
32:31
She was right to say it. She was right to say it.
32:34
It does look like she went and get a got a blowjob.
32:37
That hair is blown. Ow, she just got her shit
32:41
sucked, but I love how she you could you could tell she's like
32:46
immediately starts breaking down.
32:49
QVC is crazy to me. Like all you, you have to just
32:53
constantly be speaking about a product you going to give two
32:56
shits about. You think this woman is going to
32:58
walk out of that studio with that wig on?
33:00
She's going to burn that shit. She's going to cash that check
33:03
and she's going to burn that wig and she's going to walk out and
33:05
shake out whatever luscious hair is beneath it and she's going to
33:09
go get another blowjob. There was another QVC clip that
33:14
I didn't have pulled up and ready where these two women get
33:17
on top of an air mattress to prove how much weight it can
33:20
hold, and one of them pops a hole in it and they all fall to
33:24
the ground. Just some good classic.
33:27
This feels like old Internet, which I don't know, this
33:31
recession indicator or something like that.
33:34
Like dog and duck are friends, QVC, Blue bird, we're doing
33:38
great. And then finally we have a
33:41
Birdman update. They they unmasked the Birdman
33:45
and I haven't watched it. The Burwood Birdman, famous for
33:49
appearing before dawn armed with buckets of bird seed and
33:53
transforming. Quiet streets into a screeching
33:57
sea of feathers. The bizarre saga has us all
34:00
asking who is he? And why does he do it?
34:04
Now we know. The world tuned in and wants
34:09
answers. The Birdman's story went viral.
34:14
Uncles are calling it a poop explosion.
34:18
This guy is giving straight up. Super villain vibes I love.
34:24
It. Who is explosion?
34:26
Pooed on regularly. Just those me actually, yes,
34:28
explosion going on. It was me saying poo explosion.
34:37
The man behind the mystery is Vikram Juggy.
34:41
By day he manages money working remotely as a financial services
34:46
consultant with Lismore City Council on the NSW North Coast.
34:51
What does a? Financial services consultant
34:53
have to say about spending all that money on bird seed does a
34:56
lismore. City Council know I love her.
35:02
Why do you want to keep getting up before sparrows fart Vikram
35:05
the. Birdman before sparrows fart.
35:08
I believe that's what she said. Is that an expression?
35:11
Wait, I need to know whether getting up before the sparrows
35:15
fart is an Australian saying? It is an Australian slang
35:19
expression that means very early in the morning.
35:23
So we I guess we say early bird gets the worm.
35:26
They say getting up before the sparrows fart.
35:30
I love this. So yeah, they played if if you
35:34
are just listening and not watching.
35:36
They played a compilation of people talking about the story
35:39
including what the heck the podcast.
35:44
This is why we do it folks, to get mentioned in an Australian
35:49
news program. But I'm just like this entire
35:52
story. They've made a 6 minute video
35:53
about the the revelation of the Birdman and all it was was them
35:57
capturing him without his mask on and they found his name in in
36:01
workplace. Which I guess it's like not only
36:05
did they they find out who it was, but the fact that he's
36:07
doing it in multiple neighborhoods.
36:10
I mean that is crazy behavior that does it's like this.
36:13
They should be arresting this man over the grim Reaper guy.
36:17
Anyway, shout out to the Birdman.
36:19
Shout out to the Australian News for including our clip.
36:22
And that's it for what's happening this week.
36:30
All right, time for a voicemail from the What the Heck hotline,
36:34
which is, of course, the number that any of you can call to
36:36
deliver your What the heck of the week.
36:38
The thing that's making you say what the heck?
36:41
Four O 7. WTH, Matt?
36:44
Don't know what it stands for, but you can figure it out.
36:46
Let's hear this week's caller. Hi Matt, this is Kat calling
36:53
from Oak Park, IL Shout out to the western suburbs of Chicago.
36:59
I am fresh from coming from the dentist where I saw the most
37:04
horrific the site of my entire life, which is that my dentist
37:08
has these doors that are like sliding.
37:11
They don't always like close them all the way.
37:13
I don't know why, it's kind of rude if you ask me.
37:16
But in any case, as I am being led to my own little torture
37:20
room at the dentist, I saw these bare ass feet sticking out from
37:27
somebody elses room and I just feel like these feet, these
37:34
unsheathed man feet were so disgusting and horrific.
37:39
And I may have marched a little bit in my mouth seeing them, but
37:43
people like, let's keep our shoes on when they need to be
37:47
on, like at the airplane, at the dentist's office.
37:52
And like I'm like an Asian lady who also, you know, I just know
37:59
when shoes should be left on and off, such as don't come into my
38:03
apartment with your dirty ass shoes.
38:05
But like, can we please leave them on at the dentist's office
38:09
so that your hairy little toting aren't sticking out?
38:12
But anyhow, just wanted to share this little nightmare that I saw
38:17
today with y'all. And thank you so much for giving
38:21
us all a place to rant and rave. Love you.
38:24
Bye. Love you.
38:26
Oh my God, I love that. That was I, I thought it was
38:30
going to be about the dentist, but ultimately it was about feet
38:35
and I got stuff to say about both of them.
38:38
I am having trouble picturing the exact layout of this dentist
38:42
office in which you would see someone's just toes sticking out
38:45
of a room. But I do kind of love that I I I
38:50
in my head I'm picturing a sort of cubicle kind of situation
38:54
that is not completely. It's more like dividers between
38:58
each station instead of like separate rooms.
39:00
Dennis office are playing too crazy with their layouts.
39:05
You need, I need a private room and that should not be a luxury
39:09
at the dentist. Ever heard of HIPAA?
39:11
I guess that just doesn't apply to the dentist's office.
39:15
They'll be they'll be whacking your shit in the middle of an
39:17
open plan. I used to have a whole bit about
39:21
this in my stand up set. But like I the orthodontist that
39:25
my brother and I went to as children was an open floor plan.
39:28
All of the shit was in the same room and I was gagging for my
39:33
life when they were taking the impressions of my mouth threw up
39:37
everywhere. And of course there's and
39:40
there's like a full studio audience because every every
39:43
other patient is in the same room.
39:45
I have like 3 nurses around me, dental technicians and I'm like
39:53
everybody else is. And then I remember they had the
39:55
little bowl that they mixed the like clay stuff in and they held
39:58
that under my mouth to catch the the puke.
40:04
Oh man. And then my brother one time
40:06
witnessed the orthodontist sort of like calling one of his
40:10
dental assistants a bitch. It was, it was wild.
40:16
She shut a door that was locked and didn't realize that it was
40:20
locked. But like, my brother was in one
40:23
of the private rooms and saw this happen.
40:25
The assistant accidentally shut the door.
40:27
And the dentist was like, oh, don't do that, you bitch.
40:32
And then he was like, yeah, that was kind of crazy that that
40:34
happened. He was like talking about on the
40:36
way home. And my mom was like, I'm going
40:39
to go ahead and call the office and because it was like a father
40:43
son sort of thing. And it was the son who said
40:45
that. And so she like called the dad
40:49
and like told on him, fuck that Dennis, they hated us.
40:53
But probably because my brother especially was not brushing
40:57
those teeth. I mean, each of us had we were,
41:01
I mean, we paid for all of those dental assistants to go to
41:03
college. Both my brother and I had braces
41:07
for six years or something. It was, like, way longer than it
41:10
had to because we just were not doing what we were supposed to.
41:14
But yeah, all that is to say, the dentist's office needs to,
41:18
like, there need to be clear, private rooms in between every
41:21
chair before you're sticking your fingers in my mouth.
41:24
And now that I'm saying that maybe it is kind of a liability
41:27
issue. Maybe they do need to have
41:33
witnesses before grown-ups are putting fingers in children.
41:37
I mean, OK, like pediatrician, pedi, dentist, whatever.
41:43
Anyway. But the other issue is, yeah,
41:46
people taking off their shoes and socks.
41:49
I don't really care actually if I see a foot.
41:52
But I don't like the foot being touching things that it should
41:56
not be touching or seeing the foot in a place that I should
42:00
not be seeing it, like the dentist office.
42:03
I know. So I've really tried to wrap my
42:05
head around what people see about feet sexually.
42:10
I've tried. I've tried to envision it, but I
42:13
just cannot. I mean, I guess some feet where
42:17
I'm like, OK, I can sort of objectively respect that as a
42:21
nice looking foot. Does it give me a boner?
42:26
No, I can't say that it does. There was one guy once who asked
42:31
for feet picks and I was like, I don't even know how I had to
42:34
Google like what is a good foot picture, good feet pick pose?
42:39
Because I was like, what is it? I, I don't view it from that
42:42
lens. It's I, it's kind of why I think
42:44
straight men are unable to send good Dick pics.
42:47
It's because you're not looking at it from the eye of someone
42:51
who would like to receive that right.
42:53
Wow. And it's why so in many ways, me
42:57
sending feet pics is like a straight guy sending a Dick pic.
43:01
I just don't know how to stage it.
43:02
I don't know how to light it, I don't know what angles to take
43:05
it from. And yeah, 'cause that's the one
43:10
thing I'm like, oh, you want a picture of my foot?
43:11
I don't give a fuck. Like, post away, share it with
43:17
whoever you want. This means nothing to me.
43:19
But that's like when you see people's feet in public, I'm
43:21
like, are all the foot fetishes just kind of out here
43:25
slobbering? Anyway, I'm sorry this happened
43:29
to you, caller. I really hope that next time you
43:32
go to the dentist, you don't. You're not exposed to raw feed.
43:37
OK, moving on to my what? The hecks of the week?
43:41
All the stuff that's making me say what the heck?
43:44
First, where the fuck is all my computer and phone storage?
43:49
Why do I not have space on anything anymore?
43:53
Did it used to be this way? I don't know why files have
43:56
gotten bigger or something. The phone is always getting
43:59
bigger somehow. The phone storage is always
44:01
getting bigger, but I don't have enough space to fill it.
44:04
And the cloud I was talking about, the cloud is expanding.
44:06
I'm paying an untold amount for access to the cloud every month.
44:11
I don't know what is in the cloud and what's not in the
44:13
cloud anymore. Frankly, my computer is taking
44:16
stuff that I have not decided it should take and putting it into
44:19
the cloud. And then when I want it, oh, we
44:21
have to go get it from the cloud.
44:23
It should be where I left it. I didn't tell you you could take
44:26
that to the cloud. But then somehow I'm always
44:30
running out of space in the cloud and on my computer.
44:34
I think this is the first, this is the first time in a long time
44:36
that I have not done 'cause like normally I do the trade in
44:39
program on the on the phone where it's like every year you
44:42
basically trade in a new phone and then they sell it to some.
44:44
Like, you know, they sell it to some poor unsuspecting soul for
44:48
twice the amount that I got for it, even though I owned it and
44:51
kind of jizzed all over it just yeah.
44:54
Did I contribute to the kind of amassing of huge amounts of
44:58
electronic waste? Sure.
45:01
This year I was responsible. I said I'm not going to get a
45:03
new phone. This, this phone is perfectly
45:05
good. And now it's falling apart in my
45:07
hands and there's no goddamn space for anything.
45:10
And I keep having to delete shit that I don't want to delete just
45:14
so I have room to do one more thing.
45:16
There's no space anymore, and I don't get it.
45:19
And I blame the data centers even though I don't really get
45:21
it. Somehow I feel like that's to
45:24
blame. I, I do feel like I'm turning
45:26
into like a boomer conspiracy theorist because I feel like all
45:30
of my shit is getting slower. All of my shit is getting filled
45:34
up too fast. I then I have to get external
45:37
hard drives that fill up so fast.
45:39
I don't like it. Something is going on that
45:41
they're not telling us. And I think it's the data
45:43
centers next when a new cash register opens up in the
45:48
checkout lanes and they say next in line come over and then a
45:52
bunch of back of the line bitches start rushing to the
45:55
next line. None of that stay in the back of
46:00
the line. They said next in line, not free
46:03
for all to see who can get to the the cash register first.
46:06
OK, stay in the back. Oh, you got to the back of the
46:09
line for I. I hate the behavior of people
46:12
who try to kind of weasel their way into the front the line.
46:16
I'm going to get real fascist real quick when it comes to line
46:19
cutting the the way that I turn into an absolute someone that
46:25
you do not want to know when someone is cutting the line.
46:28
I got the the one event that I was at last week, there was
46:34
clearly like kind of a single file line happening at the bar.
46:37
Like it was a very clearly a line situation.
46:41
It wasn't like a crowded bar where everybody was jostling.
46:43
It was like earlier in the night.
46:46
It was still kind of empty. There was a line that had formed
46:50
and these two girls weaseled their way in in front of me.
46:53
And I was kind of nice about it and decided not to make a scene.
46:58
But it's like bit you this, there's a lot of respect the
47:02
line and people in the checkout lanes, they open up a new
47:05
register, it becomes The Hunger Games.
47:07
People are rushing to get to that next register to save
47:10
themselves 5 minutes when I am next in line and I should be
47:13
able to take my sweet time to make it over because I've been
47:15
waiting the longest. This way.
47:18
They need to do studies and I think they have about to sort of
47:22
quickest way to do check out lines and the quickest way to
47:26
like board an airplane and shit. They figured it out years ago
47:30
and it's just these goddamn companies want to implement it.
47:33
Trader Joe's does a good job. They got the guy who carries the
47:36
sign that says the line starts here.
47:38
You got to find the guy and then there's people all over who are
47:40
kind of directing traffic. Infuriating store to shop in.
47:45
Pissed me off every time. But the check out situation,
47:48
great. Next people who take the
47:53
elevator down one floor are going to go ahead and piss me
47:57
off every time and don't come out.
48:00
Oh, what if what if I'm in a wheelchair?
48:02
Obviously I'm not talking about you.
48:05
Shut up and wheel away. I'm talking about people who are
48:11
perfectly capable of using the stairs who are slowing down the
48:14
elevator by taking it down one step.
48:17
Now, should I be directing my anger at the building?
48:20
Who? Whose elevators keep breaking?
48:23
Yes, and if you've been listening to the pod so far, you
48:26
know the elevators in my building are fucked and that
48:29
that's where this is coming from.
48:31
But the the way that people, I get so pissed off.
48:34
The elevator rides take so long because there's always broken
48:38
Once everybody's got a pile on and then we get to floor 2 and
48:41
some lazy bitch has to walk on so she doesn't have to go down
48:45
the stairs. Get your ass to the staircase.
48:49
Get off my elevator, especially during peak elevator hours, if
48:55
you're, you know, right around 9:00 in the morning, 6:00 at
48:59
night, like, you know, the, the sort of rush hours, you know the
49:02
rush hours. Take fucking stairs.
49:04
I'm always getting emails saying like the elevator's broken.
49:07
Take the freight elevator. So now you got to ride in the
49:10
trash chute basically because some asshole is taking the the
49:15
elevator down one flight of stairs.
49:17
And here's the thing, if you want to go up one flight, I can
49:22
give you the grace to say, OK, I'm not going to make anybody
49:26
walk upstairs if they don't want to walk upstairs.
49:29
But if you're going down, don't piss me off.
49:34
Take the fucking stairs. Even the third floor is pushing
49:37
it. I've now gotten used to that.
49:39
I used to live in a fourth floor walk up.
49:42
Ass has never been fatter. But yeah, after I got used to
49:45
the elevator, there's no going back.
49:47
And finally, whenever the waiter says don't touch the cast iron,
49:52
it's hot, I'm touching it, I'm going to go ahead and put my all
49:56
5 fingers on it and grasp it with a closed fist because first
50:01
of all, I'm not fucking stupid. They'll say that, they'll say
50:05
the the plate is like basically on fire, it's smoking, smoke is
50:08
pouring off of it. And then they'll say don't don't
50:10
touch it, it's hot. Do I look fucking stupid to you?
50:15
But also it's like there's nothing that could.
50:17
I probably have that condition where it's like you have to kind
50:20
of like defy authority in those situations.
50:24
Whatever. It's some kind of executive
50:25
dysfunction where people are like, I'm going to do the
50:29
opposite of whatever you tell me.
50:31
If you tell me, don't touch the plate, it's hot, guess what?
50:36
I'm going to burn off my fingertips.
50:40
I hate that. I hate the the places love to do
50:43
that. They love to say, oh, it's it's
50:45
hot, it's right out of the oven, don't touch it.
50:47
And yeah, what? I would rather that than it be
50:49
cold. But now we all have to do it
50:51
because of the McDonald's lady, even though her like Labia got
50:54
burned off or something. You know what I'm talking about
51:02
the lady from the McDonald's kind of episode where that one
51:06
time she spilled the hot coffee on herself and it sort of led to
51:09
a bunch of lawsuits. Turns out she had like third
51:12
degree burns on the inside of her.
51:18
You know what? So anyway, stop telling me the
51:21
plate is hot. I know it's hot.
51:23
I don't give a shit. I'm going to touch it.
51:26
Thank you. All right, Lastly, my what the
51:34
hey for the week. The thing that's making me say
51:36
hey, my opposite of a what the heck?
51:40
I was thinking more about it. I was like, heck yes, actually
51:43
makes a lot of sense. Or the other thing I was like,
51:45
what about? Heck yeah, brother.
51:47
My heck yeah, brother. Heck yeah, brother.
51:50
We'll consider it. We'll consider it.
51:52
We're taking suggestions, I guess, but my, what the hey.
51:57
Or heck yeah, brother for the week is going to go ahead and be
52:01
making my own ice cream, one of my sort of truffles.
52:08
Come here. Is there?
52:11
We're going to hear her, like, panting.
52:15
All right, wait, Truffle says join homemade ice cream.
52:18
I got to say one of my sort of hyper fixations of the last few
52:23
weeks has been making my own ice cream with ultimately Barry's
52:26
Ice Cream Maker because it's the attachment for my ice cream
52:32
maker or it's the attachment for my KitchenAid.
52:37
But once you realize like it is relatively easy to make your own
52:40
ice cream at home, you can be whipping up any kind of flavors
52:42
you want. And I was trying to recreate
52:45
famously Dairy Queen lover love Dairy Queen down and I would
52:50
always get chocolate extreme Blizzard with extra brownies,
52:53
easy blended to preserve the the integrity of the brownie.
52:57
And I made chocolate ice cream with chocolate chunks and
53:01
brownies. And guess what?
53:02
It tastes exactly like Dairy Queen and it's so good.
53:07
I do think it's giving me like night terrors.
53:11
I do think I shouldn't be eating a spoonful of it, but like
53:14
before bed every night because it is going to go ahead and give
53:16
me like some some pretty bad restless leg syndrome flare ups.
53:23
But I love I got the salt and straw cookbook and salt and
53:27
straw. They do have a lot of wacky
53:29
flavors that I'm not approving of.
53:32
I realized they had one book. Their initial cookbook is sort
53:35
of like their kind of flagship flavors.
53:39
And then they made a follow up cookbook that's more normal
53:41
flavors. I will say one of them is like a
53:45
pig blood ice cream. I'm like, we don't need that.
53:48
Give me mint chocolate chip. Yeah, so I need.
53:51
Actual pig blood, not like. Like we'll.
53:53
Keep for Halloween. No, it's like they have like a
53:56
Halloween section and it's like, yeah, blood that you would use
53:59
for like blood sausage and stuff.
54:01
It's disgusting. And I, I don't even like that
54:03
it's in the cookbook that I'm using.
54:05
I don't even want that suggestion in the cookbook.
54:09
I guess Salt and Straw's whole thing is that they like to
54:11
preserve the idea that they're a small town.
54:15
I mean, it's a Portland ice cream shop and you know,
54:18
Portland, they like to be weird. And so they were always doing
54:22
like small kind of weird small batch like ice creams.
54:27
But then they also made a book that I need to get that's like
54:29
all the more more kind of palatable flavors.
54:34
But this one, I mean, it teaches you kind of the reason I brought
54:37
that cookbook up was because they have a recipe for brownies
54:42
to be used in ice cream because they they include, get this, a
54:47
cup of marshmallow fluff in the brownies because marshmallow
54:52
fluff doesn't freeze all the way.
54:53
So it remains kind of gooey in the freeze.
54:56
So you're not biting down on sort of rock hard ice brownie.
55:00
You still get a chewy nice cold brownie in your ice cream.
55:04
Genius, genius stuff happening. Give them the fucking whatever
55:07
it's called James Beard Award. Anyway, that's going to go ahead
55:12
and do it for this week's. What the heck?
55:14
Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching.
55:16
Be sure to give us a like, subscribe, follow, leave us a
55:20
comment, leave us a review only if it's nice.
55:22
I don't want to hear your shit. Make sure you share all of our
55:26
clips. And that's it.
55:28
See you next week. Bye.
55:30
This has been an episode of What the Heck with Matt Bellicide.
55:33
You can call and leave us a voicemail about what's making
55:36
you say what the heck this week and you might be featured on a
55:38
future episode. Call us at 407-984-6288.
55:43
That's four O 7 WTH Matt. What the heck with Matt
55:46
Bellicide is produced by same boat Studios and Bellicide
55:49
Productions. It's hosted by me, Matt
55:51
Bellicide. Our executive producers are
55:53
Gabrielle Lewis, Barry Finkel and me, Matt Bellicide.
55:56
Erica Glass is our senior producer.
55:58
Our video editors are Matt Bellicide in Erica Glass
56:00
Production designed by Erica Glass, Matt Bellis I and Barry
56:03
Finkel. Our theme music is courtesy of
56:05
epidemicsound.com. Special thanks to Truffles
56:07
Bellis I.