Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Why Is Your Wife The Only Non-Romantic Woman On Earth?

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Why Is Your Wife The Only Non-Romantic Woman On Earth? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:06
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:08
  Psych mom show today, we are going to be talking about a
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  common issue that men have where they say that their wife is not
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  romantic and they think that this is only her and they feel
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  like every woman on TV and that they see on social media or that
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  they ever used to date is romantic and their wife is not.
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  And so we're going to discuss why that happens and you know,
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  just kind of the whole dynamic that would lead to that.
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  At first, I will tell you to subscribe most recent subscribe.
• 0:39
  Well forget most recent the next subscriber episode is going to
• 0:42
  be when you are smarter than your spouse and and what happens
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  in that situation which people don't really say out loud.
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  But they know how to say it without saying it and here are
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  individual, variations in all things.
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  And so how does it work? When one person is just kind of
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  smarter than the other person in that you know sense of smarter.
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  Yeah, there's all kinds of intelligence, but we're talking
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  about the kind where, like, you think quickly and make
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  connections quickly, and the other person does not processing
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  speed for those of us who have ever studied, what is it
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  assessment? Anyway, so you'll get that and
• 1:22
  about 123 other episodes, if you subscribe.
• 1:26
  Okay. So a lot of guys say why is my
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  wife not romantic like everybody else has their wives so romantic
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  and this is, you know, they love Flowers and they love poems.
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  And they love to be hugged and kissed and all this shit, right?
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  And so, but my wife is just a cold fish.
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  And she's an ice queen and she's insert other cliche here, and
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  she is just not responsive or receptive to any of my romantic
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  overtures. All right.
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  Well, first of all, not all women are romantic, you know,
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  this is like not not a gender thing.
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  This isn't, in fact, more men are romantic than Because
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  evolutionarily men can put a lot of women on pedestals and want
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  to sleep with loads and loads of women and spread their seed, far
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  and wide. Whereas women have to be more
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  pragmatic and they have to take into account like, what's this
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  man's like, you know, ability to be a father.
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  Like, I only get to have X amount of babies not Infinity,
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  like he does, you know? So if I'm going to put, like, 10
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  months of gestation, plus, you know, the raising of the baby
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  into it, is this person going to help me?
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  Is he stable? Is he reliable?
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  Is he a good provider? Is he strong?
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  Is he smart, Etc. So women have to be more
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  pragmatic in that regard, of course, young people.
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  In general, tend to romanticize everything.
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  So everybody's more romantic when they're younger.
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  And, you know, so a young woman of any type will be more
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  romantic, but honestly there's individual variations in that as
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  well. There's a lot of women who are
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  just never romantic, not even when they're 16 years old.
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  And these women tend to think. Romance is kind of stupid and
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  made up for movies and it isn't really real, it's very, very
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  similar to sex drive. Romantic Drive is very similar
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  to sex drive, right? So even though, like like like I
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  just did a video on like asexuality and I was like, you
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  know, how do you know your spouse has a sexual?
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  Well it isn't whether or not they're having sex with you
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  because spouses who are asexual will have sex.
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  They'll do it. Like I'll do other things that
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  they don't really have any idea why they're doing like watch the
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  game with you. You when they don't like sports
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  or something. So but the rebut the way that
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  they'll treat sex is like that, it's like going out to dinner
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  or, you know, playing a card game or doing the laundry or
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  clipping your toenails or anything that like you just do
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  in the world, you know, because you have to but they don't like
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  get any sort of specific, sexual pleasure out of it and wouldn't
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  really even know what that meant.
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  So it's the same thing when people Not romantic.
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  And again there are many non-romantic women.
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  So it isn't all avoidant attachment because, you know, it
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  there's a huge overlap with avoidant attachment but it's not
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  all of it. So there's a lot of romantic
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  avoidant. Attachment women, they
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  romanticize very like super Alpha dominant guys and will
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  feel romantic flutterings about these guys.
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  But then being avoidant women when they get into the, you
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  know, No into a long-term relationship with one of these
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  guys, they'll like kind of not really want to be so close, but
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  they can understand what romance is, you know?
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  But there are other people that just don't have any romantic
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  drive. And, like, now with, like the
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  whole asexual spectrum and people having all these
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  different labels for different, you know, ways of being in the
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  world, vis-à-vis sex romance, Etc.
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  It could also be called a romantic, you know, there's a
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  sexual and there's a romantic as well.
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  And you know, what is this? Didn't.
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  Well, somebody who doesn't really have any idea why there
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  are romantic movies, they think it's just kind of silly like the
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  way that I know that like Tom and Jerry are not a real cat and
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  mouse who hit each other but bounced up again, you know, I
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  know that I feel that I know that maybe maybe I don't, you
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  know, maybe Tom and Jerry do exist somewhere, but I feel
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  deeply that I know that that's only a cartoon and isn't real
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  and when People who are not romantic.
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  Look, watch these movies, romance movies.
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  They know it in their mind. They think they know viscerally,
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  truly that, that is not real and is only for entertainment.
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  The way that I know that Tom and Jerry isn't real but yet they
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  are wrong because plenty of people do feel some of the
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  feelings in romantic movies that constantly but you know in Young
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  Love in the honey. Moon stage, Etc.
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  There it, when you do have a romantic side, you have felt
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  something like romantic movies before.
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  And if you are a romantic person but you've never gotten to feel
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  that. Because for example, you
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  married, the one person that ever, you know, that you ever
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  loved and ever had sex with and they are not a romantic person.
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  Then you're going to feel very deeply upset just as deeply as a
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  man who's a late bloomer and like let's say waits till
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  marriage for romance for sex, rather feels.
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  When he's partnered with a woman who hates sex, it's like, oh my
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  God, I have this whole Drive. I know that I like this thing in
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  theory, but I'll never get to put it into practice and that's
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  how people of both genders feel when they are partnered with
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  somebody who's not romantic, if they are romantic.
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  So, what is the overlap with avoidant attachment?
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  Well, avoidant attachment is people that do not like romance
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  with in long-term relationships, that is the, that's how I would
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  qualify it. So even if you're an avoidant
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  attachment person within the honeymoon stage, you can be
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  romantic or may not be romantic. Like there's a, there's a That
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  flowchart diverges into two boxes, avoid an attachment goes
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  into, you know, romantic and honeymoon, stage, not romantic,
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  and honeymoon stage, but then, it's like in the later
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  relationship, most of Orden. Attachment, women are not
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  romantic at all. So it's just like, not there
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  anymore. There's like too much
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  vulnerability involved. Once, you know, somebody that
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  well, that you're in this long-term forever relationships
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  and the vulnerability of being romantic at that stage is very,
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  very difficult for that, you know?
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  And Only avoid an attachment women really don't want date
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  night at all. But if they do they get just
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  drunk, you know. So that they can maybe be fun or
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  have some fun but like otherwise it's way too vulnerable.
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  It's like cringe. As the young people say to be
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  sitting there across the table from somebody who wants to look
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  into your eyes and say something about how pretty you look.
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  And it also reminds me by the way, this whole thing, I just
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  did some sort of video, or whatever I do a live or
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  something about, like, compliments and like how You
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  know, most women really like complement.
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  So it was the recent now it's won't be recent when you hear
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  it, but it just came out today about when men like the best way
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  to get your wife to be hotter as Celerity act like she's hot or
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  something, you know has hot in the title and you could use a
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  search engine on the Spotify app.
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  Again, go within the doctor psych mom shows scroll, scroll
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  all the way to the top of all the episodes.
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  And then there is a empty search bar.
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  So you can search within podcast that was a real possibility.
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  Positive event, that occurred in the Spotify app update.
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  But anyway, so put the word hot in, but the point is that if you
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  compliment your wife and you make a big deal about how hot
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  and sexy she is, then usually, she starts to dress hotter and
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  sexier because she has more confidence and it's a virtuous
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  cycle. But then a lot of guys on
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  Facebook were like, fuck. No.
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  Because my wife is a void. An attachment in the more I
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  compliment her. The more she looks at me, like
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  I'm a cockroach that she wants to, you know, smash.
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  So yes, that is true. If your wife is avoid an attack,
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  Two Men. And again, you should have
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  listened to my podcast on avoidant wives before this one.
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  And also my entire overview of attachment Styles would be
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  useful as well. That's a paid one, but the avoid
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  and wives one is free. So if your wife is avoidant
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  attachment that she's really not going to be romantic with, in
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  long-term, monogamy, no matter what.
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  But what are some signs by the way?
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  Because you're like, well shit, you said that, some women are
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  avoiding but their romantic at the beginning.
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  Well, then, How the hell would I know?
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  She's gonna stop being romantic? Well, she's always a little
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  weird about romance. She always will think some
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  things are quote corny, or cheesy, or cringe, depending how
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  old she is, you know, like she's never fully into it.
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  Like she laugh and smile more. She liked it more than she later
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  will, but she won't like it as much as somebody else, you know?
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  So if you're a romantic kind of person, then you really ought to
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  be going for a romantic kind of person, but since you do not
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  have a time machine and you To make your relationship work,
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  then it would be. It would behoove you to try to
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  figure out all the positives of being with a woman who's not
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  romantic. You know, if you're like
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  romantic and you're missing that, there's a lot of positives
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  to being with a woman who's not romantic and frequently, she's
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  more practical, she's more pragmatic she fills in for your
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  deficit to a lot of, like, totally like impulsive ADHD,
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  like fucking romantic guys. That are like, all over the
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  place and can remember to bring home flowers but not to pay.
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  The water bill are partnered with very practical women and if
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  there was just two of that guy like they would like literally
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  have no water because neither of them would pay the water bill
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  you know. And so you know a lot of guys
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  especially guys with ADHD or who are more generally impulsive or
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  less organized partner themselves with very non
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  romantic but very practical, pragmatic conscientious women.
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  And this is actually good for them and for their children but
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  they don't get to have that romantic.
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  You swallow you know what? We don't all get to have
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  everything and also you can you know go to couples counseling or
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  not or just somehow express it yourself.
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  Using the words that I'm telling you and say like it would be
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  like really nice for me. If like sometimes you would say
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  some nice things about me even if it's just via text or email
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  because that's really what romance is.
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  It's a lot of words of affirmation and recognition and
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  appreciation and compliments. And if your wife never does
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  that, but she is a pragmatic person in the marriage is good
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  overall. Then she may decide to just do
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  it. You know, if she knows what you
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  want when you just say to her, oh my God, why aren't you
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  romantic? You don't give me the right
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  reactions then what the fuck, like you know, she doesn't know
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  what that looks like. She probably grew up in a house
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  where her mother acted the exact same way as she did.
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  So you say, oh, it would mean a lot to me.
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  If when I give you flowers, you would give me a hug and a kiss
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  now that is practical so she could do it.
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  And you know what, you may think that that wouldn't matter to
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  you. Once you have to tell her.
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  To do, but that's just bullshit. You know, like how you feel
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  good? Like, like if you are a wife
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  says, to your kid. Like, Oh, Daddy did such a good
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  job, you know, teaching you how to swim today.
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  Don't you want to give daddy a big hug and your kid comes over
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  and gives you a big hug? You still like that hug and let
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  your kid is like, fuck you Dad, but that doesn't happen, you
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  know? And so you still like the hug
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  even though he had to be prompted.
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  So you would still like your wife's hug and kiss.
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  Even if you had to be the one to tell her to do it.
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  And I have a whole post about this.
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  That's gender inverted. The title is something like it
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  isn't bad, if your husband needs to learn the words to make you
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  feel close, because a lot of women in this position with
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  partnered, with non-romantic, men, say, well, if I have to
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  tell him what to say to me, that it doesn't count.
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  Fuck, that's crazy. That is absolutely wrong and
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  that's a good way to get divorced.
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  So a person who doesn't do the shit that you ask them to do is
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  one situation, but then there's somebody who actually would do
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  this stuff but you just won't even ask them to do it because
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  of something in your mind about like how they It already know
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  and that's just that. And somebody up to fail and in
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  setting you on the path to potential Divorce Court, which
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  you don't want to be. So what is the tldr was to take
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  away from this? People are romantic and
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  non-romantic, no matter what the gender is, your wife is not the
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  only one that doesn't like flowers and poetry and romance,
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  you can tell her what would be meaningful to you, which is
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  usually in the, in the realm of hugs.
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  Kisses physical touch and words of affirmation.
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  Those are the Thick ones. I don't have a lot of guys who
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  come in and they're like, oh, she doesn't know how to pick me
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  out a romantic gift. Most guys don't give a shit
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  about that one. If yours alone, one that does.
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  That's a very easy one to tell her to do but otherwise you can
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  verbalize it. Like, I would like if you hugged
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  and kissed me, I would like if you sat next to me on the couch,
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  I would like if you, you know, made eye contact instead of
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  looking at your phone, like there's things that you can say
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  that are very helpful utilitarian Concepts that can
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  instruct her how to approximate more.
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  Ants which honestly is going to be fine for the majority of
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  people. Unless you are somebody, you
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  know, who is just kind of never happy.
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  And that's something that would be a, you problem.
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  Like if no matter what she does, you keep yearning for somebody
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  who's wired? Like you?
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  Well, then either you got to move out of the marriage.
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  You got to move on because you'll never be happy or you
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  could do some deep work on whether you would be happy in
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  any sort of situation because the woman who you remarried that
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  was more romantic, might be less of many.
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  Other useful things that your wife has such, as the ability to
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  pay the water bill or to get your kids to the doctor on time.
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  Etcetera, etc. Etc.
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  So as usual, there is no free lunch, right?
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  DPM fans. Yes, there is no free lunch.
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  Okay? So I hope that you found this
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  useful and I hope that you subscribe, because tomorrow's is
• 15:05
  going to be what to do when you married an idiot.
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  No, that's not the title, but that's funny.
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  But no, really just the differences in intelligence and
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  in spouses. And just as a spoiler, just as I
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  believe that there are differences between men and
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  women. I do believe that there are
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  differences in many, many things including ability to dance.
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  Well, ability to sing ability to think quickly and logically on
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  your feet. So like there are there are
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  differences between human beings individual differences.
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  And so what do you do in the case where this comes in the
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  realm of intelligence? And this is not a problem I
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  invented because so many people come in and say, a particularly
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  women come in and say, I don't respect his intelligence.
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  What do I do? All right.
• 15:54
  So that's that is your big wind-up so that you could go and
• 15:58
  subscribe. So that you hear, that one and
• 16:00
  two days and I will talk to you all soon.
• 16:02
  Have a great day, guys. so many people come in and say, a
• 15:48
  particularly women come in and say, I don't respect his
• 15:51
  intelligence. What do I do?
• 15:54
  All right. So that's that is your big
• 15:56
  wind-up so that you could go and subscribe.
• 15:59
  So that you hear, that one and two days and I will talk to you
• 16:02
  all soon. Have a great day, guys.