Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Happy Wife, Happy Life?

Transcript

Happy Wife, Happy Life? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
• 0:09
  Today we will be talking about happy wife, happy life, which is
• 0:13
  a saying that you will might be surprised to know the earliest
• 0:17
  origin of it was from 19/02. So I heard some people think
• 0:23
  that it was relatively recent and feminist driven and it
• 0:26
  certainly is not either one. And I I'll I'll talk about how
• 0:31
  I've usually seen it used but before that please do subscribe.
• 0:36
  My most recent subscriber episode was Why Your Wife Won't
• 0:39
  Go Down on You and both males and females will find that
• 0:43
  interesting. And about 130 more subscriber
• 0:47
  episodes. If you subscribe, you get all of
• 0:50
  those. And if the 899 to do that is too
• 0:53
  much for that, you know, 35 plus hours of listening, then even
• 0:57
  cheaper is my Facebook group. That's 499 a month.
• 1:00
  And people say it's the best money they ever spent.
• 1:02
  It's lots of fun people. You get to interact with me more
• 1:05
  and people are always posting threads about their relationship
• 1:08
  issues and their lives and asking for comments and it's
• 1:12
  just, you know, a good place. It's 375 people, but I record
• 1:16
  these in advance, so probably will top 400 by the time you
• 1:19
  hear this. All right, So happy wife, happy
• 1:22
  life, so more preoccupied attachment, lower confidence.
• 1:26
  Guys tend to like think this was some sort of, I don't know, like
• 1:31
  feminist ploy or something to make men want to please women.
• 1:35
  I I have never. First of all, this is saying
• 1:37
  it's like old. As I said before, it's like over
• 1:40
  a century old and it's usually said by the guys that I hear say
• 1:46
  this, you know, years ago when I started were like older guys,
• 1:50
  like older, more traditionally alpha guys who would say they
• 1:54
  would like buy their wife a new car and she's excited And he
• 1:57
  says well, happy wife, happy life, like that kind of stuff.
• 2:01
  So like pretty like, you know, not obviously, like like very
• 2:07
  not preoccupied attachment guys. More like the, you know, just
• 2:12
  like the big swinging Dick type of guy would like do something
• 2:16
  for his wife and then say happy wife, happy life, here we go,
• 2:20
  We're going to Hawaii. You know, she's so excited.
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  We went on a shopping spree or you know, like I bought her
• 2:25
  jewelry or I, you know, took her out and whatever, whatever, you
• 2:29
  know. And so it decidedly was not.
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  It's never something I've heard a woman say as like kind of
• 2:37
  anything, you know, like not really as maybe as a joke.
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  I mean I don't know. I've never, I can't remember now
• 2:44
  hearing a woman initiates the statement of of this in session.
• 2:49
  But anyway, so some guys think he's more preoccupied
• 2:53
  attachment. Guys who you know really do
• 2:56
  think that women are kind of out to get men on a visceral level.
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  They do not think that because they don't feel appreciated.
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  They tend to marry more avoidant type of women that that are
• 3:08
  always just kind of pushing away and don't want that much
• 3:10
  closeness. And why do you go for that kind
• 3:13
  of woman? Well, as you know from listening
• 3:15
  to my podcast, it always originates in your family
• 3:19
  growing up. So you probably had an avoidant
• 3:20
  parent. You can never fully get their
• 3:22
  attention and you can never fully get their love and their
• 3:25
  approval. And so when you found somebody
• 3:28
  who is kind of a nice queen, then you felt that click, that's
• 3:31
  imago theory. You felt that click of home and
• 3:34
  familiar, and then you spend your life fantasizing that you
• 3:37
  can get this avoidant cold person.
• 3:39
  You know, that's not all they are, but that's kind of how you
• 3:42
  see them through your lens. That you could get them to be
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  warm and loving and attentive in a way that you can never get
• 3:48
  your caregiver to be when you were a child.
• 3:51
  And you can certainly go back to my attachment style podcast, the
• 3:54
  original one that's a subscriber one but you could go back to.
• 3:58
  And my Avoidant Wives podcast is, I think, a free one anyway.
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  The the point is here that more preoccupied attachment guys
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  think, as they frequently think that women don't really like men
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  and women take advantage of men in many ways and that most women
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  do not in fact want to make their husbands happy.
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  So given that, they think that then saying happy wife, happy
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  life turns into some, you know, terrible thing in their mind
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  that like, somehow the man is setting himself up if he
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  believes in this philosophy to get taken advantage of and to
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  just lay down and be a doormat, you know, for for the woman to
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  walk all over. And like, this is the guys who
• 4:43
  actually, like, feel like, you know, using this phrase are are
• 4:48
  the guys that do what they want, you know?
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  And then they're saying like, like to be nice.
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  You know, they're saying also, you know, I want to make my wife
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  happy, you know, Yeah. Like I do my thing and, you
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  know, I'm a happy guy and check me out, I'm also making my wife
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  happy basically, like like extra bonus, great.
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  And we're both happy now. So, like when you see something
• 5:14
  like happy wife, happy life, and it makes you think, what about
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  the man he's getting taken advantage of somehow?
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  That is really a worldview to interrogate deeply because,
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  like, it's just like when I'm on social media and I post,
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  obviously, as you know from listening, about half my stuff
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  is targeted toward women to helping them explore their
• 5:35
  cognitive biases, and the other half is toward men, right?
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  So I address things toward men, toward women.
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  Really. Half and half, just as my
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  clients are Half Men, Half Men and half women.
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  And really, it's half individuals and half couples at
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  this point also, but that is the same, you know, straight down
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  the middle. And so the the point is, I am
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  not biased, but yet when I post on a Monday, I'll post something
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  about, you know, men be more romantic for your wives.
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  You know, there's always men that post.
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  What about the women who aren't romantic?
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  What about the women that won't have sex?
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  And that's why the man isn't romantic?
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  What about the men who had the romance beaten out of them by
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  some frigid bitch? What about that, huh?
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  And it's like, calm down. First of all, I could definitely
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  see why she's not sleeping with you.
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  And second of all, like I just posted, just scroll back.
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  I posted something about women. You know, if you're more
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  physically affectionate, then your husband will be happier
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  like the day before. And I'm going to post another
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  one like that tomorrow, you know?
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  And it's like when you see somebody talking about one
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  gender as an immediate call to arms that you that it, God
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  forbid, ever a man should focus on making his wife happy.
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  Because if he does that, then he's going to become a dormatic.
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  She is going to, you know walk all over him and she should be
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  focusing on making him happy exactly the same amount that
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  he's focusing on making her happy.
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  Otherwise he is a Patsy and a cock and whatever the hell terms
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  they use now so that you really have to interrogate that.
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  And that is a very that's tied to a victim mentality.
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  And in this case you feel like a victim of of the other gender.
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  But it's learned at home when you just learn from a parent
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  that people take advantage of other people and you always have
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  to be on your guard and everything is 0 sum, you know
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  and everything isn't 0 sum. If you make it like that, then
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  then it is, but it's not in a healthy relationship.
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  So the point being that certainly, you know, people
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  should both be given 100% in a relationship.
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  And I talk about this in my podcast that I think it's called
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  with a 100% Marriage. Why 5050 is some bullshit.
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  I think it's the title and of course my podcast on Fair Play,
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  that book that has you split housework right down the middle
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  or whatever, No, she goes to does, says it's not right down
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  the middle. But anyway, there's this whole
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  system. I think there's spreadsheets,
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  there's definitely index cards. Anyway, I talk about it there.
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  The point is not for every single interaction to be even
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  Steven. Of course.
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  A man should be trying to make his wife happy.
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  Great. Why does that preclude him being
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  happy? Why does that preclude her being
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  loving? It doesn't.
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  You know, it would be like, you know, if if on Mother's Day, you
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  know, the father said what about me?
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  You know, I mean, no, that's Father's Day.
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  Wait for your day. So here.
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  Here's the other thing too. So.
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  Oh, OK. So that and relationships tend
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  to go better when the guy is totally in love with the woman,
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  is besotted with the woman, as I wrote it.
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  As I said in one of my videos, I talk about this all the time.
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  Men think that, need to think the woman is really hot for
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  things to work. Men need to put their wife, God
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  forbid you say this, but like, they they need to put her in
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  this special category of like, you know, the love of my life
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  even on a pedestal, but not a crazy ass pedestal.
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  That preoccupied attachment guys use to like, say, like, I put my
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  wife on a pedestal and that's why I haven't asked for sex in
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  the past 17 years. No, not that at all.
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  Just the same kind of pedestal that you put like your baby on
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  when you think it's the cutest baby out of all the babies, you
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  know, which I think I talked about recently in a different
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  podcast to make that same analogy.
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  Or you think your dog is the cutest dog out of all the dogs.
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  You know it's yours. Like you have your wife, You
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  think she's the most beautiful one.
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  That's very adaptive, very positive.
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  Relationships tend to go well. When the guy adores and is
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  delighted by his wife, that does not mean when he's terrified of
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  her. I talk about this distinction
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  constantly, and I think that the preoccupied attachment men tend
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  to conflate it and think that happy wife, happy life means
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  that you should do anything to avoid waking the beast, do not
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  make her do some scary thing, don't get in trouble that is
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  like so far from the truth, you know, so it's and you know what
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  the real equivalent is? That all of a sudden will lead
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  to a lot of epiphanies in my male listeners.
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  It's the equivalent of when women say things like why do I
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  have to be a whore? Why do I have to be a hooker?
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  Why should I have to give him sex just to get him to be nice
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  to me? I shouldn't have to do that.
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  I shouldn't have to do anything like that, right?
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  Doesn't that anger you? Right, Because you're like why
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  is this 0 sum? Why do you lose by giving me
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  sex? Isn't that something that we
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  should both like, right? So it's the same kind of thing.
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  Happy wife, happy life. Why does he lose by prioritizing
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  her happiness? You know, by making sure that
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  she knows that's important to him.
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  That should make them both happy.
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  Him giving her something that she wants, whether that's
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  emotional, whether it's a gift, whether it's a love letter,
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  whether it's a compliment. That should make them both
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  happy. Very equivalent to how her
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  having sex with him should make them both happy.
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  And I talk about this also in my podcast Sex as Active Service,
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  where I try to explain that idea to women.
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  And sex as active service does not mean you lay there like a
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  starfish, you know. That's no service that anybody
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  wants. That's bad service.
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  But anyway, so back to this topic.
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  So when women feel that the guy really would do anything for
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  them, truly, you know that it's like, it's like their little
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  version of a guy having a woman who will do anything in bed,
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  even just for a night, even just on vacation, even just when
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  she's, you know, like had a couple too many drinks once a
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  year. Like, then it's his little
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  private porn, you know? And when a man will do anything
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  you want, it's like your little private movie, The Notebook, you
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  know, or whatever romantic movie or romantic novel a woman would
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  want. The guy doesn't always have to
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  be lighting himself on the fire or standing with a boombox like,
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  say, anything. But sometimes he has to show
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  that he really prioritizes her happiness and joy, and he
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  derives happiness and satisfaction from making his
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  wife happy, you know? And so this isn't bad.
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  So in a healthy relationship, but I always try to include this
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  now because many people, you know, have said, well, I don't
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  know though, then how does it look at a healthy relationship?
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  Because I never saw one. And I concur.
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  I mean, sure. But very few of us grew up, or
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  very few of us that are interested in psychology and the
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  betterment of human relationships grew up seeing
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  really good ones modeled. Otherwise that shit would be
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  easy peasy. It wouldn't even be interesting
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  to think about. So how does it look in a healthy
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  relationship, Relationship, happy wife, happy life.
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  It looks like the guy is trying to make her happy because he
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  loves her so much. He's not trying to get out of
• 12:58
  trouble. He's not trying to not, you
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  know, get get her to look, stop looking down on him or for her
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  to stop hating him. He's just looking to make her
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  even happier. She starts out pretty happy or
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  you know, If not, then she could be sad sometimes.
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  I mean, you know, like she's a human, but in general he is
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  trying to add to her happiness and that is evident in how he
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  acts and how he talks and how he prioritizes her and she soaks up
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  that love and responds in kind with her own love, you know.
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  But really, truth of the matter, non PC women don't like the
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  pursuit as much, you know, they like to be pursued.
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  They don't like to pursue, you know, I mean, I sometimes women
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  send men flowers, but much less than the inverse, you know, I've
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  never in my entire career heard a man say I am so upset that she
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  did not even send me flowers on Valentine's Day.
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  I've never heard it. I mean, maybe that's because I
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  am, you know, I don't know what, Maybe I'm just working with all
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  the guys who don't, you know, care.
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  And there's some other guys that do.
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  But what guys usually say is, well, unfortunately, even on
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  Valentine's Day, no matter what, I still didn't get, you know,
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  sex. But that's very different
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  because they complain about that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
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  Valentine's Day, Christmas, any day.
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  But if they're not getting sex. But the point is, women say
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  that, you know, like, he didn't even send me flowers on
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  Valentine's Day. This other girl at work got
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  flowers and I didn't get flowers.
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  Right. Because women want to be
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  pursued. They want that romantic pursuit.
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  So the idea that a man is trying to make you happy is women
• 14:42
  really like that. Does that preclude them trying
• 14:45
  to make the man happy also? No.
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  But honestly, men propose marriage more frequently than
• 14:50
  women do. Men take those larger romantic
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  gestures to ask the woman out first to initiate the first
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  kiss. So if a woman feels like a man
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  is initiating attempts to make her happy on a regular basis,
• 15:03
  she's gonna kind of calm down more.
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  Her attachment panic will subside a little bit if she
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  experiences any within the more frequent, by the way, situation
• 15:15
  where the woman is the preoccupied attachment partner
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  and the man is the avoidant attachment partner.
• 15:19
  This is particularly important. So these are the guys that I
• 15:22
  really work with on happy wife, happy life.
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  In terms of like, shit man, you got to prioritize your wife, you
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  got to call home, you got to text her sometimes.
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  Like, you know those those couples where the woman is
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  preoccupied attachment, the man is avoidant.
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  Those couples usually come in in like their 30s, whereas by the
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  40s I tend to get the preoccupied attachment man and
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  the avoidant attachment women. But any it's really like the
• 15:48
  younger women care more, you know?
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  And that's why I always say try to work on this shit before your
• 15:52
  40s. I mean, you know, you don't have
• 15:54
  any time machine, so if you know, you can still work on it
• 15:57
  in your 40s, but it takes a little longer than in your 30s.
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  The younger the woman is, the quicker she's gonna come out of
• 16:05
  being mad at you. Like, as I'm sure everybody here
• 16:07
  knows, women and men alike, the longer you've been dissatisfied
• 16:11
  for, and quite honestly, the less estrogen you have, the
• 16:15
  harder it is to resolve an empathic rupture, you know?
• 16:18
  But, and I've talked about this with perimenopause and women's
• 16:21
  changing how women's bodies and brains change in their 40s, they
• 16:25
  don't take as much shit, and they don't give a shit that
• 16:28
  much. They don't care about the
• 16:30
  relationship as viscerally as they did when they were younger.
• 16:34
  And it just like how teenage boys aren't, you know, like
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  standing there with the, you know, teenage boys stand there
• 16:40
  with the boom box like John Cusack and guys in their 40s
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  don't. I mean that's just the way it
• 16:44
  is. But anyway, so back to the
• 16:46
  preoccupied attachment. Guys that think that this is a
• 16:49
  bad thing. It's not if you come with
• 16:52
  confidence. Confident momentum, Confident
• 16:55
  momentum. I have a post that has confident
• 16:57
  momentum in the title that you should read on Doctor Psych
• 17:00
  mom.com. If you come in there and you try
• 17:04
  to sweep her off her feet sometimes or just make her day
• 17:08
  happier based on whatever her love language is without asking
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  for anything in return without them sulking around and saying
• 17:14
  like why didn't I get a blowjob in return without anything.
• 17:18
  Just literally, she is your queen and you're trying to make
• 17:22
  her, you know, happy because you love her so much like you do
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  with the kids. Like you would get the kids a
• 17:27
  trip to Disney or whatever the hell you would do to be nice to
• 17:30
  your kids. Or you would get your daughter
• 17:32
  her new, you know, makeup that she wants or whatever you
• 17:37
  wouldn't be like. And now what are you going to do
• 17:38
  for me now? Are you going to like, why am I
• 17:42
  being treated like the doormat? Hopefully you wouldn't act like
• 17:44
  that, right? So if you give to your wife love
• 17:48
  and the desire to make her happy with generosity and freedom of
• 17:53
  spirit, and you're not trying to get anything back from her and
• 17:57
  you're just trying to make her happy within a even remotely OK
• 18:03
  marriage, she will sense that and she will respond in kind and
• 18:09
  then try to make you happy. She will be happier.
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  So she will be smiling, and she will be probably more cuddly,
• 18:17
  and she will laugh more and she will be happy because she will
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  feel like her husband is trying to make her happy, which is a
• 18:23
  really good thing to feel within marriage.
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  So this would be a virtuous cycle.
• 18:28
  You try to make her happy, and then she will be trying to make
• 18:30
  you happy. If you point that out, though,
• 18:33
  the whole thing goes away. So if you're only going to do it
• 18:36
  as a tit for tat, then don't even bother doing it, because
• 18:39
  it's already not going to go the way that you want.
• 18:42
  And of course, as always, if this feels impossible to
• 18:45
  execute, or your dynamic has eroded into bitterness to the
• 18:48
  point that this seems like a fantasy that you could possibly
• 18:52
  be in a virtuous cycle of trying to make each other happy, then
• 18:55
  couples counseling would be the way to go.
• 18:58
  I have all the people who work for me at best life.
• 19:00
  There is a million other people in the world, and there is of
• 19:02
  course me directly. But anyway, you could try it
• 19:06
  yourself DIY. Try to make her happy without
• 19:09
  any covert contracts, as man knows from the Internet about
• 19:15
  what she should do in return. And just see if it makes you
• 19:18
  happier in your life, because it usually does.
• 19:21
  It usually does. To be nice to people usually is
• 19:25
  is karmically positive, you know and makes people feel good.
• 19:29
  And when you do it to your kids, your wife, anybody.
• 19:34
  All right, well, hopefully you found that interesting.
• 19:36
  My perspective on happy wife, happy life and I will talk to
• 19:39
  y'all soon. And and I would like to just
• 19:43
  just tell you that if you want to have conversations like this
• 19:47
  on the regular, we don't just have to have a parasocial
• 19:50
  relationship. I got this literal question from
• 19:53
  within my Facebook group. So I mean, you should totally
• 19:56
  join it. I have no idea why everybody
• 19:58
  just doesn't join it. It's the best place to be for
• 20:00
  smart people that like to talk about relationships.
• 20:04
  And human thoughts and feelings and behavior, aka psychology.
• 20:08
  OK, OK, OK, talk to everybody soon.
• 20:12
  Bye, bye.