Latest / 🎙️ Rebuild & Fulfill Real conversations on burnout, rebuilding, and becoming stronger than before. / The Weight I Couldn't Carry: Kelsey's Story | Episode 3
Transcript
- Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder S2T): A lot of people assume that the person helping others must have always had things figured out. But most of us are shaped by our struggles that started long before anyone ever saw the finished version of us. For me, that started early. My father left when I was four years old. Not long after that, my mom remarried a good man, but both of them liked to party. Drinking was a regular part of our household. And my sister and I often ended up raising ourselves more than we were being raised. A few years later, I was sent to military school just before my eighth birthday. And when I eventually returned to public school, I wasn't just the new kid, I was the fat new kid. Today, Mark is turning the tables and he's gonna be interviewing me about the experiences that shaped the message behind Rebuild and Fulfill. Welcome back to Rebuild and Fulfill, real conversations about burnout, rebuilding, and becoming stronger than before. I'm Kelsey Dunbar here with my cohost, Mark Regala. In episode one, we introduced the message behind this podcast and talked about strength thresholds, those moments when life pushes us to the limits of what we think we can handle. In episode two, Mark shared his story of addiction and rebuilding his life after hitting rock bottom. Today we're continuing that conversation, but Mark is going to interview me about some of the experiences that shaped my perspective growing up and how those experiences eventually led to the work that we're doing today. Marc Rogala (Co-Founder S2T): The last episode, we talked about my story and some of the struggles that I went through, but your story is a huge part of why we're doing the work that we're doing today. So let's start at the beginning, Kelsey, if we can. you said your father left you when you were four years old and your mom remarried shortly after, but environment was pretty chaotic with a lot of partying and a lot of drinking and so forth. What was life like for you and your sister back then growing up in that environment? Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder S2T): Yeah, so it was interesting. just to kind set the stage of the person that my father was and the type of relationship that my parents had at the time of their divorce. So my had packed up some things and he up his car and my mother to where he was going to be living because if he was going to be taking us for visits and stuff, she wanted to know where he was living. So we're following him on the And I actually do remember this ⁓ even at that young of age and we were following him on highway and he lost us. At the time, just were like, ⁓ man, we find him. ⁓ Of back then, cell phones, right? So we just turned around and went home. We waited for a little bit to see if he came back to try and see how we weren't following him. Looking back on it now, I just think he didn't want us to know where he was living. I mean, he was just that sure that he was just gonna be gone. And it kind of set the stage for how gone in mind of my sister's life he actually was. And so to kind of set the stage on that. Now, when it comes to, you know, quickly getting together with my stepfather, and like I said, guy. mean, like, you ⁓ it's that we had the greatest relationship. We didn't have a whole lot of a relationship period. He was an over the road truck driver. And so during the he'd be on the road on the weekends. My parents would be partying. When they were they would generally be ⁓ hosting parties and. yeah, was, ⁓ alcohol was always My sister and I, because my mom was working couple of jobs to help support us, because my father left us in so much debt, there were times that we would sleep at my mom's office on a couch. And there are other times we got a little bit older that we would just be left on our own. And so it was just basically my and I against the world. Marc Rogala (Co-Founder S2T): Yeah, because of that environment, you said that there were times where you and your sister were basically raising yourselves. mean, how did that feel like as a kid, Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder S2T): mean, it was, tough. mean, obviously, thinking on it now, of course, we were lacking a lot of guidance, a lot of nurturing. my mom a hard life ⁓ there were that, ⁓ we would, it was raking leaves, shoveling driveway, cleaning the house. our mom would come home eventually at like seven o'clock at night and from work and she'd be so exhausted and we'd have dinner cooked. And I mean, we're talking, we weren't even 10. I mean, my sister's two and a half years older than I was. I mean, always is, right? But anyway, and so, you know, we'd make dinner, we'd clean the house and like, mom, mom, look, look what we did. And she's like, did you dust? What? So that was the kind of woman that she was. almost never satisfy her. She, ⁓ brilliant and when she wasn't so pissed off at the world, she was a great person to be around. She was a social butterfly type. And so we just constantly seeking her approval. so yeah, was tough having parents around, but my sister was my sister, my best friend, everything. So ⁓ we took care of each you Marc Rogala (Co-Founder S2T): So before your eighth birthday, you were sent to a military school, which that's incredibly young to be going to military school. What was that experience like for you? Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder S2T): So I have fun with the concept that I like to tell people that I'm in a very unique situation where I can say that I've actually held a rifle in my life before I ever held my first baseball bat. it's an interesting claim to fame. yeah, was... ⁓ It was wild. I I had never done anything away from home. I mean, never even like an overnight camp. And then all of sudden they're dropping me off on a Sunday and saying, we'll see you next week. ⁓ so that was pretty wild. I guess ⁓ maybe it was good that it happened at a ⁓ young age in regards because I... I guess I didn't realize what I was missing because I didn't really have ⁓ units at home to take care of me, it was like, ⁓ I'll miss my sister. But was already used to missing everybody else. So it was a school where you would get dropped off on Sunday, get picked up on Friday, and you'd go home for the weekend. When I first went though, they actually took me a military camp the summer before to allow to kind of get used to that. ⁓ yeah, I was actually in camp first. and I loved the military camp because they had you doing so many different activities and stuff and it actually felt more like camp but you got to do a little bit of drill instruction and stuff like that which did kind of set the stage a little better for me for ⁓ actually gone in military school all year round. I mean was it was tough it was it was no joke the military camp I said was was kind of like a cruise compared to the military In the military school you a lot of kids that were there that were from underprivileged homes that had gotten in trouble where they became wards of the state, the wards of the state, then the government was paying for their tuition. had kids that parents had pay and then the kids that were there basically on scholarship. But it was a very mix of kids. so if you weren't involved in a fight with a you were probably involved in ⁓ a fight with the teacher because your parents signed away all your rights to, you corporal punishment. So they could basically they thought necessary to discipline you. Another funny story that I like to tell is that the teachers had, I mean, it pretty The one had a board that he would electrical tape around ⁓ so that when you dropped your drawers and he cracked on the the you know, it would a little extra sting to it. Yeah. So that was military school, man. But it was my first chance really kind of forge a brotherhood of sorts, because instead having students, it's in some ways like having 110 brothers. And ⁓ so in that and the fact that it made me grow up a lot quicker and see things in the world a young age that other kids might never experience even as full adult. I got a lot of experiences out of that. as kind of the goes, where we go through, ⁓ the toughest ⁓ things in and if we choose learn from them, all makes it worth And so I look on military school ⁓ and say, it was but I also think of it It helped make the person that I am now. Marc Rogala (Co-Founder S2T): How long were you that school for? If don't mind me asking. Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder S2T): Yeah, so I was there third through sixth grade. Marc Rogala (Co-Founder S2T): Okay. Okay. And then eventually you left the military school and you returned to the public school system, which is a completely different environment. And when you returned to the public school system, nobody remembers you, nobody knew you anymore. And you're walking into a completely new social environment and a completely different environment than that. was that transition like for you? Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder S2T): Yeah, so at first I was excited about it. I was like, okay, so no more corporal punishment, no being afraid of getting woke up in the middle of the night with a blanket party, is what they used to call it. ⁓ when a few guys didn't like something you did, or if you got demerits for your dorm room or for your classroom, ⁓ then that get held against the dorm or the class, and so they would have blanket parties. You'd get woke up in ⁓ the of night where they throw a blanket over you and start punching you. for getting demerits. So then you would make sure you were dressed right, your footlocker was straight, all that kind of stuff. So having to go to sleep every night in fear, I mean, that was pretty cool. And so I'm okay, you know, I'll just rekindle my old friendships that I had before I left. And so ⁓ I into school I'm like, I'm back. And they're like, who are you? I'm like, you don't remember me? they moved on, obviously. I mean, they were little kids. I they didn't really And as 11-year-old, I was to see the bright side of going back to public school ⁓ when, in I look back on it ⁓ now and man, they should have just left me a military school. But it was actually a financial thing as to why they ⁓ had to me out of military school. It was tough just trying to make new friends that I thought were old friends. It was just a very weird to be in and then add to it my having weight problem and ⁓ not how I was going to get teased for ⁓ not just being the kid but ⁓ being the fat new So like they double reason to bully me and make me feel than. Marc Rogala (Co-Founder S2T): Yeah. during those years in the public school system, during that transition, what was going on internally for you emotionally? You kind of led to some of that already, but I'm sure there was a lot more going on. Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder S2T): Yeah, I mean, I was, was just a cavalcade of emotions. mean, depressed one minute, angry the next, not knowing where to place that anger where I think back on it now. And I probably was more angry with my parents than I the kids who bullying me, but certainly they deserve some of my hostility as well. It led to me in lots of fights, which, now I realized that to fight every one of those battles. led to more battles to fight because kids would enjoy ⁓ seeing pop off and that would just make them want to go at me on even more just to see like, hey, what's he going to do this time? So it was really, tough. Marc Rogala (Co-Founder S2T): Yeah, I mean, know at that age that... Kids, teenagers, all that stuff can be pretty cruel. You know, I mean, for new kids in general, but on top of that, the fact that you had the weight issue going on, I mean, that just, you know, I'm sure they just added to the, to everything. So back now at the younger version ⁓ of the kid trying to figure things out without much guidance at all. What do think that kid actually needed ⁓ that he getting? Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder S2T): So idea of school is that supposed to teach you discipline. It's supposed to you accountable. And honestly, my grades the best they had been in my life when I was in military school. They made you do your homework. You were accountable to good grades. You drill every meal so that ⁓ you were drilling well, you got to be the first platoon that got to go in to eat breakfast. So you were incentivized. going back to public school, I had no motivation. I had no incentive. I never had nurturing in my life. I didn't even know what that was like. So just having someone there to support you and to you and to hold you accountable. is that every kid should have the benefit of. Marc Rogala (Co-Founder S2T): Yeah. Do you think that's part of the reason why you spend so much of your life trying to provide the kind of structure and support for other people because you lack that as a child or a young adult? Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder S2T): 100%. I mean, there's, was meant to do what I'm doing. And, like to tell people, this is ⁓ slight here, I like to tell that in the last few years, I started realizing the difference between a personal trainer a coach. A personal trainer makes someone work out. Like they come to you, you say, do some of these and some of these, and they watch your form and they say, okay, great job, high five, see you next time. even though I enjoyed doing that, it wasn't necessarily fulfilling. And once I adopted the mentality of a coach where a coach is invested in you, a coach cares what you're doing in between the sessions. A coach cares that mind is right, ⁓ in a good place, your is going well. Not just that you're good workouts. And that's where really kind of stepped into thinking about things outside of just ⁓ the workouts themselves. And when I kind of put on that coaching hat and took off the personal trainer hat it was it was a mind shift for me just to go from one title to the other. A lot people wouldn't even be able to tell you what the difference is. They'd be like, isn't that kind of the same thing? Or they think of coach as a sports coach rather than as a life type So I was definitely meant to do work I was meant to go through everything that I went through so that I can do this work ⁓ and so that you and I can do from a lived life experience mentality you know you and I have taken several courses, several certifications, you know we've definitely done our share of learning but honestly think ⁓ that best thing that we have going for us isn't all those certifications, it's not the learning, it's the live life experience that makes us relatable to the people that we talk to. Marc Rogala (Co-Founder S2T): Yeah. We're gonna go rogue a little bit here. because we talked about my story last week and I'm hearing more about your story. And I want to reiterate this for the audience. it's the struggles of life or the harder times of life where it's your greatest opportunity to grow. Like when you went to military school, yeah, that was hard on you, but you learn the benefit of and structure, right? You know, you went back to public schools. and you got bullied significantly. But as a result of that, you kind of use that as motivation to completely transform, kind of you did, okay? I know there was some internal struggles there because we talked about this quite a bit, you and me, you used that as motivation to completely transform your life. And as a result of that, You spent 30 years people build physical strength or fitness, which I got the ultimate respect for you for that ⁓ and the transformation and finding your purpose in life. However, at what point did you start realizing that physical strength alone when you're working with your clients wasn't solving the deeper struggles that people are dealing with in everyday life? Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder S2T): Yeah, so kind of funny because ⁓ spent a couple of years soul while trial and error, trying to lose weight myself. I mean, at the time that I graduated high school, I was over 300 pounds and I spent almost every single day high school waking up, going to the bathroom, standing in of the mirror and asking myself, is this the day you kill yourself? That was every day. people would go to the bathroom, then they'd stand in front of that mirror, grab a toothbrush, and start brushing their teeth. Not me. So it was, it's today the day that I take my life. And each day I felt like was closer and closer. Some days more numb than others. Sometimes I was upset. Sometimes I was just numb. And the numb was the scariest part. And that was ⁓ high school. And after high school, when I finally had my moment where I said, I'm going to really give it my best try, know, I can think of to try and get things right. But we didn't have the internet then. I didn't a coach. I didn't even parents. ⁓ So I had no idea what I was supposed to do. mom used to get Prevention Magazine. I don't even know if that thing even exists anymore, but she had a subscription to it. ⁓ And Prevention Magazine, it was just like little chapters of little different ⁓ health things. And that's how I started learning about health, wellness, fitness, that sort of thing was from Prevention Magazine, which is probably not the greatest resource for somebody who's trying to figure things But I started eat a little bit better. I started to walk more, walk turned into jogging I was able to lose a significant amount of weight while also doing strength training so I was putting on muscle at the same time. So ⁓ like to say I think that probably I lost 100 pounds of fat. but it was 80 pounds of scale weight, because I definitely packed on some muscle while I was doing it. that's when I decided, wow, if I would have known how to do this, instead of a couple of years doing this, or instead spending my entire childhood being bullied, and hating myself, I could have learned this so much quicker if someone would have reached out to me and said, let me show you how. That's what made me decide to be a fitness trainer so that I could be that person for somebody else. here was the funny thing, and this goes more to your question, is at time I thought that working out and losing weight would help my, help me feel better. It would help change my brain, change my Now, after 30 years of being a coach, ⁓ I realized that if we can help somebody change their mindset first, changing their body is actually so much easier. It took me almost 30 years to figure that out. And just something that I think that people don't talk about enough ⁓ we all think if we weigh less, we'll look better. If we look better, we'll feel better. So it's like the feeling better is kind of the end product. If we can find some way to make somebody feel better about who they are in that moment, instead of criticizing themselves on a daily basis, listening to the noise just realize, I'm a good person. Or as we like to say in our books, you're not broken. All right. We all have things that we can improve on and there's always time and room for change. So if we can get people to adopt that first, ⁓ the change itself is gonna be so much easier. And that's the kind of work that you and I do now coaches that 30 ⁓ I didn't that concept. Marc Rogala (Co-Founder S2T): Yeah, the right answer. did you begin to understand that strength by itself had to go beyond the physical side? Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder S2T): So I mean, it was a little bit over time, but I have to say that I have to give you and relationship ⁓ building this suffer tougher. movement we like to call it. I mean it started out as a book and then we decided we wanted to take it a step further and so now we call it a movement because we really want to bring thing forward and bring this out to so many more people and ⁓ a more work than than just the book and it's been awesome to do that. ⁓ But in that book together and the conversations that we had ⁓ in the going about the book, the more that I realized even though you and I were working with different clients, the of that we like to help, two completely different things. ⁓ Most of the people that would come to me simply because of what I went through myself were people who were looking to lose weight and to feel better about themselves and to feel better physically. Whereas with you, most of the work that you've done has been in the addiction and recovery world. Now, of course, the that intersects ⁓ the fact that the people that you were dealing with and the people that I were dealing with were all dealing with mental health issues and some ⁓ and and shame and guilt and okay, those were all the common denominators. so therefore when you and I talked about the type of stuff that we like to tell people to do, the daily habits, the rituals, the it was all the same. And that's why you and I decided to write that book is because we realized no matter what you're dealing with, if you have a good structure in place ⁓ to able to work from, and then just give you some tips along the way and some accountability, the results are And so that's why we wrote the book, but I'll tell you what, I probably didn't come full circle to how much more important it was ⁓ work with someone and how they feel mentally. until you and I started having those conversations. so I'm thankful as well. And we talk all the time about the fact that you and I are constantly learning, constantly involving our own thoughts and opinions ⁓ the things that we tell people ⁓ refining. ⁓ just we're students of the game. We want to figure all the best ways until there new best ways. Marc Rogala (Co-Founder S2T): Thank Yeah, you know the analogy that I use because people ask us all the time, how long did it take us to write the book? I use the example of classic rock album, because when you go back and listen to bands about how quickly that project came together and they say that album just kind of wrote themselves. Well, that's pretty much how the book was. I mean, you're dealing with people that have an addiction, okay, driven by underlying mental health, which is the food for the dietary consumption. I'm dealing with people that are dealing with the alcohol and substances, but it's amazing because the solution is the solution Because an addiction is an addiction and people are in the self medication whatever your drug of choice is whether it's eating whether it's gambling whether it's scrolling on the phone, shopping, drugs, substances, alcohol. What that is is that self medication for what's going on inside. And that's what people need to realize when they're listening to this podcast. Obsessive behaviors, obsessive behavior, usually there's something going on inside. So we talked about the book for someone that's listening right now who feels overwhelmed or stuck because of things they experienced earlier in their life. What would you want them to understand at this particular stage in your life with everything that you've learned? Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder S2T): Yeah, I think it's just important to realize that you've gone through in the past, or even what you're going through right now, there is a path forward. And always say progress over perfection. Take step. Whether that's starting the with a new healthy ritual, start out the day by drinking a ⁓ big glass water. Make ⁓ your Just building habits in your life so that you can make that will last. as we also talk about, and think that eventually we're to do a whole episode on brain chemicals, I really think that's down the road. ⁓ Marc Rogala (Co-Founder S2T): Yeah. Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder S2T): but something that really needs to be done. I mean, just those little quick wins give those hits of dopamine. ⁓ And you start feeling accomplished, you start to figure out what else can I do ⁓ that can me feel this accomplished? So it's just little things. mean, Mark, your story, you started out on your health journey just going out and So when you ⁓ go for a and someone's like, well, you know, I don't have a half an hour. Okay, then go for 10 minutes. You know, I don't a gym membership. some pushups, do some sit ups, do some squats. So ⁓ start with something that make feel like at least you're trying to be better. And then when you start getting better, the feeling that you get from that will lead to more and more success. So don't think about how much you're past. Marc Rogala (Co-Founder S2T): Exactly. Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder S2T): is is waiting you down because it's not. It's perspective. People could have the the worst possible pasts that they've had to deal with ⁓ had a rough past, I had a rough past and yet we've met several people that we go, ⁓ but it doesn't compare to that. Right? We've all met, we've met those people, ⁓ And Marc Rogala (Co-Founder S2T): 100%. Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder S2T): So everyone can have a worse story. Alright, so you can sit around and feel sorry for yourself that you had a rough past or you can say, but how cool would it be as rough of a past as I had if I flipped a script did something completely unexpected and a terrific life for myself. Marc Rogala (Co-Founder S2T): Yeah, no, that's beautifully said. mean, one thing that stands out about your story that I respect the hell out of you on is that those early struggles didn't break you. mean, they truly made you, Kelsey. They shaped you how to understand strength and resilience. And I think a lot of people that are listening today can relate to that and also learn from that. Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder S2T): Yeah, one of the biggest things I learned over the years is that struggle doesn't automatically break people, but it does shape them. So that we dealt with, everything that we had to go through was for a purpose. And purpose led us to where we are now. So, you know, sometimes the experiences that challenge us are the ones that eventually give us the clarity to help others. And that's certainly what has happened for us. And I wouldn't have had it any other way. ⁓ I think that brings us to a close today. So, if this conversation resonated with you, make sure to follow Rebuild and Fulfill so you don't miss future episodes. And remember, not broken. you're just overloaded. And rebuilding is always possible.