Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When Your Boyfriend Doesn't Want To Get Married

Transcript

When Your Boyfriend Doesn't Want To Get Married · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to the doctor psych mom show something
• 0:09
  that a lot of women deal with is when a man does not want to
• 0:12
  commit. And I'll talk about this today
• 0:16
  before that, please do subscribe, most recent
• 0:18
  subscriber episode was on responsive desire, versus zero
• 0:21
  desire. And what responsive desire
• 0:24
  really looks like and why that should prevent your wife ever
• 0:28
  having to say, are you done yet? A common thing that women say
• 0:33
  that is hurtful Um anyway, um so a lot of times women come into
• 0:38
  therapy because either a man won't commit to them and they're
• 0:42
  very upset about it. They've done all this research
• 0:45
  on attachment and of course they are the preoccupied attachment
• 0:48
  partner and the man is the avoidant partner and many times,
• 0:52
  they can't get him to commit which is a real-world concern,
• 0:56
  you know, because they want to move forward in their lives and
• 0:59
  whether that's get married, have kids, etc, etc.
• 1:02
  And also the There are many women who come in after the man
• 1:07
  has committed after having originally been in such a
• 1:09
  scenario, but the man has committed whether or not.
• 1:12
  He's officially married to them. They at least do have children.
• 1:15
  They live together, but they're unhappy, because he never really
• 1:21
  did it. You know, we didn't even even
• 1:24
  really propose if he did, it was kind of his back was against the
• 1:27
  wall. She had given him some sort of
• 1:29
  ultimatum and he's not he just is not as into the relationship
• 1:34
  as Her peers husbands are or at least that's what she perceives.
• 1:38
  So this problem still didn't go away.
• 1:41
  Despite her having told herself that it would go away.
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  If he at least said that he was committing and, you know, got
• 1:50
  did all the stuff got the, you know, her pregnant and supports
• 1:55
  her. And I'm not that she doesn't
• 1:56
  work, but, you know, they may have mingled, their finances or
• 1:59
  not, whatever it is that she was telling herself, would make it
• 2:02
  worth it, and would be an okay, C4 deep commitment.
• 2:07
  Guess what lo and behold did not turn out to be and she still is
• 2:11
  very envious and sad when the seeing other people who are more
• 2:14
  wholly committed to their Partners, particularly men, that
• 2:17
  treat the women. Very well, and seemed to put the
• 2:19
  wives on a pedestal or at least are very openly committed to
• 2:24
  them. So how do you get into such a
• 2:26
  situation? Well, you got to look into your
• 2:28
  earliest life, right? And it's very usual for people
• 2:34
  in this situation. Haitian women who are struggling
• 2:36
  in the situation to recognize that one parent, especially the
• 2:41
  mother. But sometimes the father was the
• 2:43
  wistful constantly yearning parents who never got their
• 2:47
  needs met very frequently. These girls come from situations
• 2:51
  where the mother never got treated very well.
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  Never got treated very romantically.
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  So it's almost like they can't even imagine what it would look
• 2:58
  like except on television for a Woman in real life to get
• 3:02
  treated with a loving relationship.
• 3:04
  Antic committed, emotion. You know, like they just cannot
• 3:09
  really imagine it because they didn't see it.
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  And sometimes it's the man, the, their father was always yearning
• 3:15
  for more love from their mother and their mother was, the more
• 3:18
  cold one or the more ambivalent one about about love.
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  So, either way they saw a pursuer distance or dynamic in
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  the home and that's where feels very familiar.
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  And in order to heal themselves, what they're trying to do
• 3:31
  subconsciously is finds a man who doesn't want to commit.
• 3:34
  Make him Commit, This would fix everything and their mind and
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  truly probably would because you know of what I talked about with
• 3:42
  re parenting and healing yourself.
• 3:43
  So they are correct. If they were able to make this
• 3:46
  magic happen, then they would feel better, you know?
• 3:49
  I mean if they were really able to take the mr.
• 3:52
  Cold doesn't want to get married guy and somehow magically
• 3:55
  transform him into mr. Loving committed guy.
• 3:58
  Well, you know what it really would make their life better.
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  The problem is it's not going to happen.
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  And so with there Doing is they're putting themselves into
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  situations where they are bound to get hurt and they continue to
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  confirm their belief that men are terrible and they never
• 4:15
  commit, and they're cold and they're difficult, and they are
• 4:18
  selfish and they're distant. And their avoidant, all that
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  really is being shown is that the men that they're drawn to
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  our this way, obviously, as you're aware from listening to
• 4:29
  this podcast, which hopefully was transformative for many
• 4:32
  women, that struggle with this there were just as As many dudes
• 4:35
  were preoccupied attachment and that's kind of a mind.
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  Fuck, you know, for women who have always thought that males
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  are the more avoidant ones, he has frequently, they're more
• 4:44
  avoidant it. But the ones that are insecure.
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  The majority are secure. As I've talked about, the
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  largest category, 50% is securely, attached people in the
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  world, but after that is a void and there are more voided men
• 4:56
  than women, and after that's preoccupied.
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  But there's millions that of people in pursuer distance
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  relationships where the man is the pursuer and I The talk to
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  those men and even have podcasts about the preoccupied attachment
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  husband to stop caring. So much.
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  Would your wife thinks etcetera? Etc.
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  So you really got to look in at this situation, very clearly.
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  I am here to tell you for all that you you may really trust
• 5:20
  me. You know you listen to me all
• 5:21
  the time you showed. I've got a lot of expertise.
• 5:25
  I've worked with a lot of people and hundreds and hundreds of
• 5:28
  people by now and the point is you never going to be happy if
• 5:34
  you want Woman uses this as an epiphany.
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  It'll be great. You are never going to be happy
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  with a man. You have to convince to marry
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  you, you are never going to be. I'll tell you something, you may
• 5:43
  have heard this story, may have heard it from like your
• 5:46
  grandmother your mother. It used to be the case times
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  change, man, right? So, it used to be the case that
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  it would be okay? Honestly, it would be okay for a
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  woman. Let's say in the 50s, maybe even
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  60, 70 s to. I mean shit, I look at movies
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  from the 80s now. It looks like fucking I don't
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  even know. It looks like I'm watching,
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  like, a scene in Fiddler on the Roof.
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  What I look at stuff from the 80s and I was a child in the
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  80s, so that was a long fucking time ago by now.
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  So maybe even in the 80s, the Molly Ringwald era it would, it
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  could still work out if you convinced the man to marry you,
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  it could, you know why? Because it was it was a
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  different time. It was a time where that could
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  still be thought that men want to sow their Wild Oats and then
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  Like, if you wait around and the guy commits to you eventually,
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  that could be a good story and you have many girlfriends with
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  the. Same story, men are not supposed
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  to be very emotionally aware anyway and they're supposed to
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  provide you with a certain life including babies and if you get
• 6:50
  that and gain that you're a success.
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  All right. Fine.
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  That would I used to be, this is the societal Norms that we lived
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  with no longer no longer those the societal Norms that we live
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  with. Now, all you have to do is log
• 7:03
  into social media and you are See men, they're fucking talking
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  to the camera about all the epiphanies that they have had
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  about how to be a better partner emotionally to their wives.
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  So given those comparison point, you are never in this generation
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  going to be happy with a man that you have to convince to
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  marry you. It's no longer on Trend because
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  it isn't it used to be that there were books and I mentioned
• 7:29
  this before but I have this book, I got it at a thrift store
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  decades ago. Already Betty corn.
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  Nell's guide to being a popular teenage girl or something like
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  that in this time and all the way maybe up through the rules.
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  Remember the rules in the 90s maybe even through then it was
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  considered all right. You got to, you got to be a
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  little manipulative, both men and women dating is like this
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  jungle and you got to like you, it was also the era of a lot of,
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  you know, etiquette, you know, like a lot of rules in general
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  about male female and directions.
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  And it was considered that men act Way women act another way.
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  And yes, women are going to be the ones that are, you know,
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  driving any sort of commitment because they want a baby, you
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  know, and then that's pretty much what they do with their
• 8:14
  lives, as they have a baby. It's not like that anymore.
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  It is not like that anymore. So if you hadn't been inculcated
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  in a certain belief system by your parents and by your family
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  in general, and you think that somehow it's all going to work
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  out when you get your babies. It's not because you're going to
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  Be constantly comparing the guy that you have to beg to hang out
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  with you because that's who he turns into.
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  After you beg him to marry you, you're going to be begging them
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  to hang out with you. You're going to be comparing
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  that dude to all the dudes out there that like to be in
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  relationships and are the ones that are planning dates and are
• 8:53
  the ones who are fucking reading the book recommendations on
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  attachment theory. That I recommend things have
• 9:00
  changed. What else do?
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  I always talk about? You have 20, Thousand and that
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  is a scientific number more options now then your
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  grandmother and your mother did. Right?
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  So they may have had to literally like meet the person
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  on their block who is the only other single person of an
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  opposite gender in their 20s, you know.
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  But were there teens but that's not your life.
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  So you do not have to think that there are like that there's a
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  limited amount of guys in the world.
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  There are not if you are with a guy who does not want to to be
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  with you. Dear going to be thousands of
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  other options, right? Literally from your smartphone,
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  if you are using a dating app. Now you could say.
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  But somehow, you know, and a person with some insight would
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  say this. They would say somehow though, I
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  managed to find all the ones that don't want to commit.
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  Listen, good point. Good point, couldn't have said
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  it better, right? You need to get into therapy.
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  If you have even two of these under your belt of men that
• 10:01
  don't want to commit to you, that you're always begging to
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  hang out with you that. Always begging to change.
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  The true is begging to be nice to you in some way or another,
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  that never exactly meet up to the standard of what a
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  reasonable woman would want, you know, a reasonable woman
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  standard of like, you know, somebody who remembers your
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  birthday, gives a shit has an eye on committing in the future.
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  If you're in a long-term relationship, looks toward that
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  with some sort of enthusiasm. If it's basically, all the women
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  would say that the guys that you've dated have been kind of
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  assholes, you then your 100% Need to be in therapy because
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  100%, you will do it again. I don't care how many apps you
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  have access to. I could give you a million dudes
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  and you're going to pick the avoid at once, but that could
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  change. And the reason that that is how
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  it is is because your self-esteem is so low and
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  because you have believed all these things that you hear
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  growing up multiple stories, a that there's a scarcity of
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  available men which is not the case anymore and be that like
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  I'm a woman's job is to make an avoidant man, love her.
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  That's True either at all. So you're going to have to work
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  on this belief system, which is truly no longer relevant in
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  today's society. Maybe it was more so years ago,
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  years ago more, so it really was.
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  So if you listen to stories from your parents, which all these
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  little sensitive girls, do you know they're specially the
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  oldest daughter man? Does she get a lot of stories?
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  And if the parents happened to be dysfunctional, then she hears
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  a lot of dysfunctional stories. So He's hearing all these
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  dysfunctional stories about like a mother who's saying?
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  Yeah your father drinks and he's you know he hits me but you know
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  what I wasn't that pretty and you know he was the only guy who
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  was around and shit. If you look at you like your
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  mother, then you're like, my God, me too, I'm not that great
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  either. So I have to put up with this
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  guy that really doesn't give much of a shit about our
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  relationship. That is how girls are inculcated
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  into having low self-esteem frequently.
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  It's by a low self-esteem mother.
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  Who's really doing her best to pass on her?
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  Hard-won wisdom, which is basically life sucks for us
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  women. I'm not so great by extension.
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  You're not so great because you're like me, even if she
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  believes that the daughter is better than her, she's still
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  gonna pass on the idea, that women like us aren't really that
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  great. And we have to take what we can
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  get in this world. And, you know, that least I got
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  my family and that maybe said explicitly or implicitly, but it
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  said a lot more often than people think, especially men,
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  they should all be. New info to any men that are
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  listening. You know, a lot of women are
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  just given this belief system that, you know, there's not a
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  lot of good men out there. There's really most of them are
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  assholes the best you could do, is kind of get one.
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  That doesn't have an active addiction, has some sort of a
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  job and doesn't overtly treat you like shit.
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  And and and then, in that case, you got to kind of wait around,
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  hope for the best and possibly be a little bit could yuling.
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  And then maybe he'll commit to you.
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  If you're lucky, then you can get I have a husband and
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  children. This is still in 2022.
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  Something that is that is basically taught to women
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  implicitly, if not explicit. So those women grow up and they
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  and when there is a guy who treats them like shit, they're
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  like, oh I see everybody was right.
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  He is the one that I'm supposed to marry and but I'm going to be
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  better than what I grew up hearing about.
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  I'm gonna get him. Finally to love me.
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  This is the only sort of man that List.
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  And I'm going to get this one though to love me at least a
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  little bit. So at least a little bit.
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  First means that he's going to maybe not cheat on you
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  flagrantly. Then he's gonna cheat on you a
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  little bit less than, maybe not at all.
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  And then, maybe you could somehow Wrangle him into
• 13:48
  marriage and then somehow into kids and you know what happens,
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  then you're going to get some more self-esteem, you're going
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  to look around you at the world which as I told you is now way
• 13:58
  chock-full of emotionally aware men and you are going to be
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  like, what the fuck did I settle for?
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  Why did I undersell myself so much?
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  What's wrong with me? And what are my children
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  learning about marriage from this marriage?
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  Where their father is not even a little bit committed in a
• 14:17
  romantic sense. Only in the, the letter of the
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  law, not the spirit of the law and barely gives a shit about
• 14:24
  anything that I care about. And then then you're going to
• 14:28
  have to deal with a divorce and that's not good for your kids.
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  So get out ahead of that. Now, And start working on your
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  self esteem. And so if you work on your
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  self-esteem, then you'll be attracted to a whole bunch of
• 14:40
  other guys. This is true because sometimes
• 14:42
  women are like, what if I'm just attracted to assholes I even
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  have one of my earliest podcast is about that my boyfriend is a
• 14:48
  jerk and I've realized I'm only attracted to Jerks with
• 14:50
  something like that and if you work on your self-esteem, the
• 14:55
  guys that treat you like shit, they're going to be like it's
• 14:57
  like a joke. It's like you, you'll be making
• 14:59
  fun of them in your head you if you, if you really work on your
• 15:03
  self-esteem and you go, A date with a narcissist.
• 15:05
  He's not going to make you excited anymore.
• 15:09
  It's not gonna be like, oh my God.
• 15:10
  Maybe I could change him. You be like, literally trying to
• 15:13
  remember shit that he says to tell to your girlfriends and be
• 15:15
  like, who is this jackass? You know, why did this jackass?
• 15:19
  Think that he could talk down to me?
• 15:20
  Truly, you can deeply change yourself and your perspective,
• 15:23
  if you change your self-esteem. So if you are within man that
• 15:26
  says he doesn't want to commit to you, the only right response
• 15:30
  is to get out of the relationship.
• 15:31
  That is only right response. That's The only healthy response
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  had you grown up with parents in a better marriage or
• 15:39
  particularly a mother at higher self-esteem and trained, you to
• 15:42
  have higher self-esteem, this would be a no-brainer you would
• 15:45
  not have spent six days with this guy.
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  Never mind, six months or six years.
• 15:49
  So the only response is to get out of the relationship.
• 15:52
  If you are not married and you're trying to beg him to
• 15:55
  marry you don't get into therapy, get out of the
• 15:59
  relationship. The relationship is is not a
• 16:02
  relationship. It's one person.
• 16:04
  Lying to make a relationship. It's basically like a
• 16:07
  ventriloquist in a ventriloquist dummy.
• 16:09
  And the preoccupied attachment woman, you is playing both
• 16:12
  parts. It's like I love you and then
• 16:14
  the socks it pop up. It says, I love you.
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  But is he really saying I love you?
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  Or are you making him? Say, I love you.
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  You probably implicitly making him.
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  Say, I love you. It's not like he doesn't on some
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  level love you, but he doesn't love you enough.
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  He doesn't love you nearly enough for what you deserve, and
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  for what later, you will realize that you deserve.
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  Curved. So you best to get out.
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  Now before this before you really get pregnant or sore get
• 16:41
  sick, sometimes I see that like you get like a HPV scare or
• 16:46
  something and then guess what? Guess who drives you to the
• 16:48
  hospital. Oh, it's him.
• 16:50
  So then you trauma bond to him over this and then holy shit,
• 16:54
  you know, guess what I did in a moment of weakness, he agree
• 16:56
  that you should get married and then you end up miserable
• 16:59
  because, you know, that you coerced him into getting married
• 17:01
  and that you were vulnerable and maybe he felt bad.
• 17:04
  You and the whole thing did not go according to plan anyway
• 17:07
  because the plan was something that could never have happened.
• 17:10
  And I've seen this thing happen by the way.
• 17:12
  Like, you literally look, all you have to do is like, break
• 17:15
  your leg or something. I mean, to be even less, like
• 17:17
  you could get like a mosquito bite that.
• 17:20
  You think God for bid is Lyme disease, right?
• 17:22
  So you're feeling very vulnerable physically and then
• 17:27
  he's there, so then you're so pathetic.
• 17:30
  Looking he, even he who is avoid an attack during feels bad for
• 17:33
  you somehow Ow. This scare manifesting like you
• 17:36
  begging him to commit and finally capitulating.
• 17:39
  And then somehow you're engaged. I see this happen over and over
• 17:42
  and over people diminish, the role of like health concerns or
• 17:47
  the other one that I see somebody dies somebody dies.
• 17:50
  So, you're with mr. Avoidant attachment and then all
• 17:53
  of a sudden a family member dies.
• 17:55
  And so again, you're some pathetic creature in that
• 17:58
  situation. He feels bad for you and so he
• 18:00
  commits finally well what a booby prize.
• 18:04
  Is that one turned out to be because he committed in a moment
• 18:07
  of weakness but he's still the same avoidant guy.
• 18:10
  So before something strikes, some sort of illness death Etc
• 18:15
  that makes you then. Somehow marry this guy get out
• 18:19
  of Dodge now and work intensively in therapy so that
• 18:23
  you could get to a place where you genuinely respect yourself,
• 18:26
  and you do not even entertain the idea of marrying.
• 18:29
  A man that is not 100% on board with marrying you.
• 18:33
  That is a pep talk from me and if you if it sounds very very
• 18:38
  scary. Okay.
• 18:40
  You should listen to it again. Then that's what we do with
• 18:42
  exposure therapy with things that are scary and you can use
• 18:46
  it as your launch pad to reach out for therapy from somebody.
• 18:50
  Of course, I have people that work for me but there's a
• 18:52
  million people in the world that can help you with self-esteem.
• 18:55
  Honestly, most therapists at this point.
• 18:58
  Are women in their 30s? That would love to help a woman
• 19:02
  struggling with being a Acted too emotionally unavailable
• 19:06
  guys. This like every therapist wants
• 19:09
  to help you with that so it's really not an itch sort of
• 19:12
  thing, so that is something that you can look for.
• 19:15
  And then you could say I did something for myself today.
• 19:18
  Even if I couldn't bring myself to break up with the guy, maybe
• 19:20
  I got into therapy or if I'm already in therapy, maybe I
• 19:23
  understand new a new. What?
• 19:26
  I have to work on. What I have to work on is
• 19:28
  bolstering, my self-esteem so that I can finally see what I
• 19:30
  know is true in my heart which is that I shouldn't be with this
• 19:33
  guy. All right.
• 19:34
  Hopefully, my lady's got something out of this and I will
• 19:37
  talk to you soon. Bye, bye.