Latest / What The Heck with Matt Bellassai / The Odyssey, Jimothy The Raccoon, and The Return of Olive Garden’s Pasta Pass?!

Transcript

The Odyssey, Jimothy The Raccoon, and The Return of Olive Garden’s Pasta Pass?! · What The Heck with Matt Bellassai

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Remember when Barack Obama was like, yeah, I has a snack every
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night. I have like 16 almonds and it's
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like, no, Barack, you, you're, you have an eating disorder.
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Welcome back to What the Heck with Matt Bellis, IA podcast
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about what the heck is going on, What the heck is happening and
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all the things that make me say what the heck?
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It's another week of explosive diarrhea summer, folks.
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The air is unbreathable. A single salad leaf may make
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your asshole blow out. And I guess we're doing war
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again. It was, it was kind of like for
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a second we were doing no war and now boar's back and I don't
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even have soccer player asses all over my screen anymore to,
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to, to help the horrors go by faster.
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But yeah, no, I guess I'll just keep doing laundry and dishes, I
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guess while the world crumbles around me.
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Anyway, obviously before I get into anything this week, I have
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to talk about the Odyssey. It's all I can think about after
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I watch that film, saw it opening day and Masterpiece.
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I want to see it 1000 more times.
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And it's so rare actually in my old age that I see a movie then
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I and I'm like, I want to watch that 10 more times because my
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attention span is shot and I can't be expected.
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I can't be expected to sit and watch the same thing over.
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I can barely watch 10 seconds of a TikTok without scrolling away.
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And now, now I'm going to watch a three hour movie more than
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once. Yes, even though you can't get
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tickets, there's one theater in North America that you can watch
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this full IMAX 70mm the way that Christopher Nolan intended and
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it's sold out for eternity. You basically you have to cross
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your fingers and hope someone dies and sells their ticket.
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I saw a Reddit post that someone was trying to trade their Ariana
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Grande tickets for Odyssey IMAX 70mm tickets and they were like,
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I'm willing to do an exchange. I'll do a we'll do a cash swap,
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but it's it's Hard Out Here. People are fighting for these
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tickets and for good reason because the movie was amazing.
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I am always a skeptic whenever like I'm a big fan of a reading
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the source material before I go see a movie.
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I always try, especially a big movie like this, to read the
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source material before I go into the movie, and it's ruined it
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for me. Before Call Me By Your Name, I
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had some issues with Call Me By Your Name, mostly because I
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could sense that Army Hammer kind of had an evil spirit, and
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that was before we knew that he ate feet.
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Yeah, I I read Call Me By Your Name, loved Call Me By Your Name
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the book so much. It's one of my favorite books.
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And then the movie kind of paled in comparison to the book, I
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thought, in no small part because of Army Hammer's evil
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spirit. And so I'm always skeptical when
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I read something that the movie is going to live up to it.
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And I, yeah, like everything about The Odyssey, I feel like
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lived up to it. Obviously, the hecklers know
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that. Our new name for the.
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What the heck, listeners? Obviously, the hecklers know.
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I've been studying for the past several weeks, reading all the
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source material. I read The Odyssey in its
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entirety. I'm currently working through
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the Iliad. The one the one thing that I do
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kind of wish is that like the Odysseus from the poem 'cause it
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is a poem. Let's let's remember that the
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Odysseus from the poem and from the Iliad is supposed to be like
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a wily trickster. It's like his most, like the
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most famous thing about him is that he is a trickster.
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And it's his kind of like, you know, wily spirit that makes him
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as memorable as he is. He's the great grandson of
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Hermes. Yeah.
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The little blue guy from Hercules that was Odysseus's
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great grandpa. And then and they kind of turned
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him into like brooding Ben Affleck's boyfriend.
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So that's the one thing that I'm like, OK.
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It kind of was like, it's definitely like sad, sad,
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contemplative Odysseus instead of like, you know, unfortunately
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it's, it would be someone like a, a, say a Mark Wahlberg or a,
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I'm like comedy action hero. I think is more kind of
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biblically accurate The Odyssey, but obviously I still loved Matt
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Damon. Then there's the thing that like
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I, it's hard to tell how much of the culture war is actually real
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and how much it's just like accounts on, on Twitter trying
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to like make a controversy. I don't actually know how many
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people were upset about like Lupita Nyong'o and, and Elliot
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Page being in the movie. Like I genuinely, I'm like,
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'cause obviously I'm not listening to like alt right
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podcasts and, and news programs. So I don't actually know how
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much people like, are they genuinely upset about this?
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Or is it like if if you believe that there is an actual
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controversy and I'm skeptical, it's people feeling like Lupita
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Nyong'o was miscast as Helen of Troy and that like, I don't
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know, Elliot Page shouldn't be in movies because he's trans.
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Like, I don't really understand what the controversy there is.
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I really love both of their performances 'cause then I also
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watch Troy from 2004. Terrible film, terrible film to
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watch directly after the fun movie to watch right after the
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Odyssey. But like, in terms of movie
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quality, Yikes. Brad Pitt, rough, hot, one of
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the hottest people in a movie ever.
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That movie came out at a very formative time for me.
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And you see, I would say mostly the side of Brad Pitt's ass.
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Not even crack. You're not seeing any crack.
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And. We got some good ass in the.
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Odyssey, obviously. The one moment where my jaw
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truly dropped the most was that, I don't know, 3 second hold on,
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one of the most incredible asses you've ever seen.
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Shout out to Christopher Nolan, best director for that ass shot
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alone. Pretty sure it's on a dead man.
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Well, I don't know if he died in that moment.
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Is it necrophilia? If they haven't died yet,
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they're just lying with an arrow in their back.
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I don't know. Oh, the only thing that I was
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going to say about Lupita Nyong'o is, is like people.
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First of all, go watch Troy. I don't remember the name of the
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actress who played Helen of Troy in that one, but she was
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terrible. No, no, no, she wasn't.
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She was Brusseus. Diana Kruger.
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No, that's the name of an old woman Coogler, just like one of
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the most 2004 looking actresses you've ever seen.
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I don't think she was in movies outside of the year 2004.
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Like she her, her performance was not good in that movie.
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And you have racists online who are like look at what we
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downgraded from this actress to Academy Award winner Lupita
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Nyong'o. Also according to the source
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material, Helen of Troy, daughter of Zeus, who I believe
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morphs into a swan to fuck Helen's mother, who then lays an
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egg that Helen hatches from. That's the person that you're
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arguing about on the Internet this is.
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Oh, it's not historically accurate.
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Helen of Troy, she was born from an egg.
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OK, pisses me off. And I know it's it's like, oh
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not that's just one version that that's like the fantasy version,
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but there is like perhaps a historically accurate version.
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Shut the fuck up. That's the whole point is that
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there are like all of these different versions and this is a
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version. There is no original.
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I think Troy is such like a mid 2000s movie.
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It's like the whole aesthetic of it is so like mid 2000s.
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Their makeup, their hair. And I was thinking that while I
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was watching the Odyssey. I I was thinking, is this gonna
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be a very like 2026 movie? I don't know.
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Or will it be a timeless classic?
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Who knows? We're probably all gonna be
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dead. I know.
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I was thinking that this week of how, yeah, 'cause like, you
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know, the air was low key unbreathable across half of the
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country. I had to bust out my supply of
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N95 masks, KN 95 masks for the first time KNKN, who knows?
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I forgot all of those letters and numbers and then I got to
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remember it because the air was literally on fire.
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And yeah, did I take a little puff of my vape before putting
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on the mask to go outside and experience the air being on
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fire? Yeah.
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My last two thoughts. I highly recommend the Audra
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McDonald audiobook for the Iliad if you're venturing into the
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classics, as I have been the Greek classics if I can be.
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I was trying to think of what my Greek name would be because I've
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been calling truffles Truffle please in mine.
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Maticus. Oh, very.
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Good. Matistotle, I think is my
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favorite Matamidis. I think I like Matistotle if I
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can Matistotle out for a second. Yeah.
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It's like I I like the idea of listening to the audio book for
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the Odyssey and Liliad because that's like how it was told
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originally, right? It's used to be an oral poem for
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several 100 years. And I got to say Claire Danes's
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Odyssey. She did the Odyssey audiobook
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love my girl Claire, but not it was not.
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I don't think she was giving it what I needed her to give great
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actress for like shivering her chin under duress.
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But reading the odyssey, I don't know.
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I I'm not sure, but especially compared to Audra McDonald
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reading the Iliad, it's like she gets it.
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This is someone who's like knows how to put on a performer's
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voice and it's it's so good. The the other what the heck that
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I have about the movie going experience?
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Hey, what the heck is going on with 4D movies?
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I don't need my whole pussy shaken.
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I don't need to be spit at and smoked on.
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I can do that on in my own free time.
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I'm not paying to go to a movie in which I'm a given a whiplash
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by the chair that I'm sitting in and people are paying.
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I don't know the the tickets cost like $5000 to see a 40X
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movie and it's literally to go through torture.
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What would kill? I mean, yes, I know we say the
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phrase this would kill a Victorian Chuck.
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Can you imagine a person from like 100 years ago seeing a 40X
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movie? They would rock their fucking
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world. So cannot cannot recommend that
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less. That being said, I do think a
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lot of movies, and maybe I'm just getting nitpicky, but I I
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feel like the sound quality in movie theaters is not meeting my
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standards. I don't know what is going on
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with Dolby. I don't know what that mean
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really. I don't know what the 5.1 Dolby,
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so I I don't know what any of that means, but it's not good
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enough. I'll tell you that because some
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of these theaters I'm like, turn it up.
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Why are we? I can barely hear these people
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or the acoustics are off, but yet the sound quality in
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theaters, I'm like, sometimes I can't hear shit.
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I thought that when I saw Wicked, I was like, turn this
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shit up. Why is it?
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Why can't I barely hear? They're breaking into song.
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This should feel like a concert. And no, it's too quiet.
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It makes me sick. I want to, I want my eardrums
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blown out by the theater or else I can't hear or the acoustics
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are off. I, I will say when we saw the
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Odyssey, the acoustics in the theater that we saw it at were a
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little off and I, it was a struggle to hear some of what
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was being said. I if I had not like known the
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story as well as I did, I think I would have missed a lot in the
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beginning because it was hard. I was like what are they talking
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about? Mostly it's just Tom Holland
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calling people Athena for the 1st 15 minutes.
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Moving on to what the heck is going on this week.
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There's a lot of events that have unfolded this week.
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Lot to talk about. First, there is, of course, a
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cryptic mutant creature in Seattle that has turned into an
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internationally beloved icon by the name of Jimothy the Raccoon.
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Love Jimothy. He's a little raccoon that
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suffers from what appears to be a debilitating disability, not
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an invigorating disability called like short spine
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syndrome. I think that's they were, they
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were like, yeah, he's just a raccoon with a short spine, an
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otherwise perfectly fine raccoon who just has a short spine,
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which makes him to a beautiful cryptic creature that sort of
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scampers about the Seattle area. And it's, I think one of the
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reasons why he's so beloved to an almost frightening degree.
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Sometimes I'm like, OK, everyone needs to calm down.
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It's like we just someone already got a tattoo of Jiminy
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Jim. And I want to call him Jiminy,
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but it is ultimately just Jimothy.
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But someone already got a tattoo.
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And it's like, what if? What if we find out he's racist?
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We don't even know his views yet.
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He's brand new. One of the reasons why I love
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him is like unlike the other sort of creatures that have
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captured people's hearts like fucking MU dangs big ass.
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Remember when everybody was obsessed over MU Dang, the
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hippopotamus, all because it was just a little hippopotamus,
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otherwise unremarkable hippopotamus.
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Everyone was obsessing over MU Dang.
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And then there was that monkey that got bullied by all his
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monkey friends. He punch, punch the monkey.
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That was sort of he everybody loved to punch the monkey
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because he's getting viciously bullied by all of his fellow
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monkeys and they sort of sympathize with him.
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But all of those are all like depressing creatures until
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Jimothy came along and lifted our hearts.
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I am because I've been Greek mythology maxing.
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I'm like, Jimothy is clearly a sort of a, you know, a sign from
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the gods for something. I don't know what his his
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presence is a harbinger of, but hopefully something delightful
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because God knows it's not. It's not been great.
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There was a story. There was some like raccoon
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expert on TikTok I guess who was like, just FYI, Jimothy is in
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constant pain. And I'm like, shut the fuck up,
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take it back, take it back right now.
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I don't want to hear about that shit.
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No, he's doing great. Actually.
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He looks fine. He's out of he's friends with
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all of his raccoon friends. So shut up and let us have this
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cause. Also, ultimately there's nothing
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we could do about it if he is unless we get the science.
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There's scientists on it. I want whatever doctors and
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medical professionals are keeping Mitch McConnell's corpse
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alive to put all of their energy into taking Jimothy's pain away.
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OK I like how Mitch McConnell's straight up dead and they're
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just like we end up Ernie's ING him.
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That's just a joke. Now I don't know if he's legally
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dead or not but people are going full blown conspiracy theorist
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mode on Mitch McConnell. They released a photo.
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It is so insane that a sitting senator had to release a photo
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of him slyly holding the day's newspaper to prove that he is a
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lie. That's crazy.
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But yeah, I hope that they kind of use whatever technology
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they're using to keep Mitch McConnell alive to take away
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Timothy's pain. Shout out to Jimothy.
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I I think they're the city of Seattle is calling it.
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One of the council members declared it.
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Jimothy Summer, do you ever go to take a sip of something?
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And I know you realize there's nothing in there, but then you
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still kind of fully commit to the farce of taking a sip.
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I do that a lot. Next, I don't know, the FDA says
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that maybe Taco Bell lettuce is not what's giving everybody
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explosive diarrhea. I think it's like apparently
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they said, hey, it's Taco Bell lettuce from what is a Tyson
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Farms, Taylor Farms. Apparently the FDA was like,
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it's Taylor Farms and they supply Taco Bell and that's
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what's giving everybody the explosive diarrhea parasite.
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And then Taylor Farms came out and they were like, it's not us.
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We tested our shit and it's not us.
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And then the FDA came out recently and was, 'cause I was
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like, OK, we're free. I'm not eating any bagged
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salads, so I think I'm fine. And then Taylor Farms came out
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and they were like, it's not us. We tested our shit and it's
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negative. And then the FDA was like, yes,
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it was a false positive. So now we're back to Ground
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Zero, I guess. And we don't know who's giving
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us explosive diarrhea. But then people were like, well,
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Taylor Farms was like a it's like MAGA and, and donated a
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bunch of money to the Trump campaign.
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And so like, are they, are they just straight up lying about it
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and like kind of paying off the CDC?
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I'm, I don't like how I'm turning into a conspiracy
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theorist, but I like kind of believe it.
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I'm like, it is true. We should not be trusting a
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giant corporation to tell us the truth about whether they're
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giving us diarrhea. But who can say?
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So I guess just best avoid eating any and all vegetables or
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fresh produce, just kind of continue living in that way.
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But yeah, I don't love how we just don't know where it's
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coming from still. But also, we don't know who to
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trust, which is kind of like the problem with eroding trust in
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public institutions. It's almost like everybody who
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for the last 10 years has been trying to say, hey, it's good to
19:05
have nerds in charge of shit because they know what they're
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talking about. You might not like them and you
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might want to bully them, but like it's good to have nerds in
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charge because they know what the fuck is going on.
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They can say which vegetables giving us explosive diarrhea.
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Also, General Mills had to recall a bunch of Pillsbury
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Doughboy biscuits because it had glass in it.
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Apparently it was the rolls. They're like bread rolls.
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They recalled like 730,000 Pillsbury rolls from Walmart
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specifically I believe. I think if you want to eat a
19:38
Pillsbury product, you, you should have to take the risk
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that there is going to be glass in it.
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Certain things, I'm like, it should come with a little bit of
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risk because it's too easy. It's too easy to eat an entire
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combustible tube of those biscuits slash croissants.
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And you know that Pillsbury Doughboy has been keeping some
20:00
type of secret. Why does he why do you think he
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giggles like that when they poke his stomach?
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Because he knows too much. I do believe that the Pillsbury
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Doughboy is one of the most sinister mascots.
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I just don't like his spirit. I know there's something about
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the Pillsbury Doughboy that I'm like, what are you giggling?
20:18
Why are you so fucking happy all the time?
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Do you think this is a joke? You think biscuits are a joke?
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You think rolls are a joke? He's the one sprinkling the
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glass in. Yeah, it's probably his fucking
20:30
fault. It's probably his fault that
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there's glass and everything, but also like, So what?
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Eat it. Who hasn't accidentally eaten a
20:40
little bit of glass before? My mom.
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She always said when she was a baby she ate a glass ornament.
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I guess my grandma like walked into a room and just found her
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chomping into a glass Christmas tree ornament.
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She's still kicking I guess. Anyway, next, I don't even care
21:08
about this, but I saw this video of Tom Brady and Logan Paul
21:13
beefing and it made me so embarrassed for both of them and
21:17
for anybody who participates in whatever the fuck they are doing
21:21
that I'm like, I have to address it because I clearly they're in
21:26
type some type of manufactured beef for like AUFC fight or
21:30
something. I don't even know what Tom Brady
21:32
is doing there. It's like, don't you have naked
21:37
man in your bed to get back to? And I'm like, why does he have a
21:40
why? What is happening with his
21:42
career? Nikki Glaser should have killed
21:45
that man when she had the chance.
21:49
But yeah, there was this video of him and Logan Paul beefing
21:52
with one another. And it was just them like giving
21:55
each other the middle finger at like a soccer game.
21:58
And it's I don't who is buying into this?
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Like 13 year old boys, I guess is their audience, which is so
22:06
scary. I do think it is hilarious that
22:10
UFC fighters and pretty much all all sort of martial arts sports
22:16
like that is just guys doing Real Housewives shit.
22:22
It's just like straight guys. Well, straight guys, they're
22:26
they're doing theater. They're they're it's all of the
22:29
straight kids who thought who, who thought it was too gay to be
22:34
in theater, are now just doing full blown like macho drag for
22:42
the masses. And people fucking love it.
22:44
I love, I love those UFC like weigh insurance where they have
22:47
to stand in their underwear, pretty much tip to tip in front
22:52
of one another and they act all angry and it's like you guys are
22:56
fully naked in front of each other right now.
22:58
You're about to kiss and we're supposed to believe that you're
23:02
in some in some type of feud. Why don't you fuck one another
23:07
and leave us out of it? It's it's frankly what I have to
23:10
say about the entire UFC franchise next.
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Wait, I'm just let me just read this.
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The lead to this story A routine inspection of portable restrooms
23:23
at a World Cup related site in Kansas City turned into an
23:26
unusual rescue after firefighters had to free a man
23:30
who had become trapped inside a porta potties waste tank while
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trying to recover a dropped Mountain Dew bottle.
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Listen, I think if you if you ever have the impulse to reach
23:47
into a porta potty to rescue your Mountain Dew, I do think
23:51
something terrible should happen to you.
23:53
It, it feels like something sort of karmically balanced happened
23:58
here, which is that this man, and it was a man obviously went
24:02
to recover his dropped Mountain Dew bottle and somehow fell not
24:09
into the bowl of the porta potty, but into the ether below
24:14
the porta potty. There is like a full tank under
24:18
some portable toilets that he fell in.
24:22
He was fully like the the people opened the door and it was empty
24:27
and they were like, OK. And then they heard his voice
24:29
coming from below the hole and they had to like, suck him out
24:37
essentially. But.
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Did he get into it through? The hole.
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So yeah, what I don't understand, I don't really
24:45
understand how he got in there. Trapdoor.
24:48
OK, put it. Straight up with these fucking
24:49
crew. Don't let that oil up now beat
24:55
it. OK.
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It's one of those porta potty toilets where like the it's
25:09
almost kind of like a bench that you're in.
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Then there's like a hole on top. I'm guessing what happened is
25:15
that it's like a giant reservoir underneath it.
25:19
And he dropped something and then thought it was maybe less
25:23
deep than it actually was, and he lowered himself down and then
25:27
couldn't get back. I'm sort of like, there has to
25:32
be something going on there if he decided to lower himself into
25:36
a porta potty, unfortunately. But yeah, I nothing.
25:41
A porta potty to me is one of the worst places a human being
25:44
could be above the surface. So I don't like the idea that
25:49
like that is truly my worst possible fear is being if you
25:53
wanted to torture me beyond and break my spirit fully you would
25:59
put me inside of a porta potty and lock the door and I would I
26:02
would spill state secrets in the 1st 5 minutes.
26:06
I have never I would rather ship my pants than be in a porta
26:09
potty. And finally, Olive Garden
26:16
announced the return of something called the pasta Pass,
26:20
which I believe is $100 car like membership card that that gets
26:25
you unlimited pasta for like months or something.
26:29
You can have unlimited pasta like every day.
26:32
This is not a power that we should be giving to people.
26:36
OK, This is exactly what they were writing all of those myths
26:39
about. Do you remember that guy who
26:41
flew too close to the sun? Guess what?
26:43
He died. But anyway, the Olive Garden,
26:46
let me actually look up. I don't know what the Olive
26:48
Garden pasta pass gives you, what kind of power it gives you.
26:53
Olive Garden pasta pass Never ending pasta pass.
26:59
I thought it was always never ending.
27:02
Oh, I clicked on it and said we're sorry, this promotion is
27:04
currently unavailable. OK, so I was lied to.
27:09
Maybe it was only for like a limited time.
27:12
Oh. No, it starts.
27:15
August 31st OH, after a six year hiatus, the chain is reviving
27:21
the iconic never ending Pasta pass for $100 plus taxes.
27:27
The past grants unlimited access to the never Ending Pasta bowl
27:30
for 13 weeks. Let's do the math on this $100
27:36
for 13 weeks of pasta of the never ending Pasta bowl.
27:41
I mean, yeah, if you go every day for 13 weeks, the unlimited.
27:45
Pasta is usually $15.00, so you'd have to go like you can
27:49
get unlimited pasta at Olive Garden for $15.
27:53
If you get the pasta pass, it's $100 for the 13 weeks.
27:56
You'd have to go there more than seven times in order for it to
27:59
be cheaper than $15. Right.
28:02
OK, Yeah. Not even once a week.
28:05
Right. It's just like, OK, you have to
28:06
commit to going to Olive Garden for, for 10, at least 10 times,
28:14
which is a lot. I, I will say, and this is a
28:16
cautionary tale. Back in the day, I was gifted by
28:20
Chipotle one year Chipotle pass. I have my name on it.
28:25
It was beautiful and it entitled me to 1 burrito or or bowl every
28:31
single day for free. I used it twice and it was
28:36
humiliating both times because you show up.
28:41
I used it once. I was in Cleveland and there was
28:44
a Chipotle across from the hotel I was staying.
28:46
I walked across the street, got to the end, gave them the card,
28:51
they swipe it. It goes down from, you know,
28:53
$16.00 to $0.00. And then the guy kept the card
28:57
and I was like, oh, I'm, I think I'm supposed to get that back.
29:01
It's like a, it's like my card. And he was like, what?
29:07
He had to call a manager over. Then it turns out it prints out
29:11
a receipt for them that says you're in the presence of a
29:14
celebrity, 'cause I guess it's like, that's just the language
29:21
that they use to tell the Chipotle employee that, like,
29:25
this is a special card. Never again.
29:28
I was like, it's not. It's not worth the $15.00 that
29:30
I'm saving on a bowl. If they gave that to me now
29:34
though, I'd be going every day. I don't give a shit.
29:36
But back back then I was like too insecure and I was like,
29:39
this is humiliating. I'm just going to pay the
29:40
$15.00. So Chopole, if you want to give
29:43
me another card, I promise I'll use it.
29:47
But yeah, that it's a humiliating thing to have.
29:51
So you have to have a strong spirit to do the $100 pasta
29:56
pass, the never ending pasta pass at at Olive Garden because
29:59
you have to go and look other human beings in the face and say
30:01
I'm here for the 10th time in as many weeks to eat my never
30:06
ending pasta. But if you're if you're OK with
30:10
that humiliation ritual, then by all means, go for it.
30:14
OK, Next we got a call from the What the heck hotline.
30:18
The hotline, of course, is the number that anybody can call to
30:22
leave it. Your what the heck of the week.
30:23
The thing that's making it, You say what the heck?
30:26
Four O 7. WTH, Matt?
30:29
Let's hear this week's caller. Hello everyone involved.
30:34
I have a particular what the heck that really grinds my gears
30:40
lately Well it actually historically my whole life, but
30:44
people who sneeze at like the highest decibel.
30:50
I'm like it's really you're doing too much.
30:54
There are usually 2 categories for this fathers, men in
30:58
general, I guess, who sneeze so loudly that it elicits a fight,
31:06
fight or freeze response. In these, that's not necessary
31:10
that nobody, there's a normal way to sneeze.
31:14
OK. After that, there's another
31:16
category. Usually this is like somebody
31:20
trying to sound very petite when they sneeze and it's like a or
31:26
like it's even more dramatic than that.
31:28
Actually, that was really tame. That's an extra noise that
31:32
you're making on purpose. Don't do that.
31:36
Why can't we all just sneeze normally?
31:39
You know what I'm saying? That's all.
31:42
OK, bye. OK, I would like to challenge
31:45
this listener to record their next sneeze and let me hear what
31:49
they sound like. I don't think I know anybody who
31:53
has a truly obnoxious sneeze. I I agree that sometimes people
31:58
are trying to be too cute with their sneezes in a way that it's
32:01
like, just let it out. There's no cute way to sneeze.
32:05
OK, it's disgusting and we're all doing something disgusting,
32:09
but have you ever just truly let one like a roaring sneeze where
32:15
you're basically screaming out it?
32:18
It feels amazing and I, I would recommend it at least once,
32:21
preferably when you're alone. Actually, no, preferably when
32:25
you're in a crowd. Let that shit out.
32:29
I remember I, I used to be someone who is so like, I need
32:33
to hide my sneeze and I would, I would basically swallow it.
32:38
And then I started getting worried that that's not good for
32:42
you and that it was going to cause some type of neurological
32:45
damage, which it might. But I think I embraced just kind
32:50
of letting the sneeze fly and feeling freedom.
32:55
And that's, that's where I am with it.
32:57
That being said, time and place you can control the volume of
33:01
your sneeze. It's never truly like it.
33:05
It's not taking over you, but like a spirit, you can control
33:09
the sneeze and don't be obnoxious.
33:12
But if you're in a room of trusted individuals, let her
33:16
RIP. All right, I can move into my
33:20
what? The hecks, the things that are
33:22
making me say what the heck? I only have a couple really this
33:25
week. First, having a little kink in
33:29
your neck. One of the worst things that can
33:32
happen to a human being. And I know I say that about
33:35
almost everything. Yeah, it could a worse thing be
33:39
getting stuck in a porta potty, having short spine syndrome.
33:44
Sure. But truly, there is nothing
33:48
worse to me than waking up with the little kink in my neck.
33:51
It ruins my whole day. I can't do anything.
33:54
You expect me to read an e-mail? You expect me to respond to an
33:57
e-mail if I got a little kink in my neck or like, in the back of
34:00
my shoulder? I have been worrying that like,
34:03
am I not doing my stretches and that's why I'm in pain 'cause,
34:08
you know, sometimes I've just always taken the kink in your
34:12
neck or like the kink in your shoulder, that one that's kind
34:16
of near your shoulder blade, the shoulder blade kink.
34:19
I get a lot of tik toks about releasing.
34:22
That same never works. I these guys on TikTok with very
34:26
authoritative voices and very thin shorts try to tell you
34:32
stretches that you can do to get the kink out of your shoulder
34:34
blade. None of it's working OK.
34:38
The only thing that works is eating potassium or some shit
34:42
and stretching after you do exercises, which I've kind of
34:47
given up on. I used to be during COVID, one
34:51
of my fixations was trying to achieve the splits.
34:54
I got pretty close. I was going full Kenzie from
34:57
Love Island and trying to clam slam everywhere I could.
35:01
But yeah, if I tried to do that now, I'd RIP my Dick right open.
35:06
But yeah, I, I, I am like, OK, maybe we should be reintroducing
35:09
stretching to the to the repertoire some.
35:14
I got AI have a Thera gun and I'll just kind of blast my neck
35:18
with that thing and it doesn't help, but it feels better in the
35:21
moment. Second I put it down, it it
35:23
hurts even worse, I think. But during the Thera gunning,
35:27
oh, you get stoned into a Thera gun.
35:30
It feels like you're transcending.
35:34
Yeah. Waking up with a kink in your
35:35
neck. It will ruin my whole week.
35:37
I have. There is there are days that I'm
35:38
like, I can't, I be, I can't be doing anything.
35:41
I am. The only thing I, I can, I'm
35:43
capable of is sitting on the couch.
35:45
And yeah, is it probably because I sit on the couch.
35:50
I sit on the couch at an angle that the human body is not
35:53
designed for. If I sit at the couch at an
35:58
angle that the couch is not designed for.
36:02
And that I'm surprised when I wake up and my my upper body is
36:07
in shambles. But yeah, it really is a day
36:11
ruiner. I think the reality is, is that
36:14
whoever invented the shape of pillows got it wrong.
36:18
But pillows should not be that shaped.
36:19
They need to be weird, funky shaped.
36:21
And we've gotten so used to now, like the interior design, like
36:25
nobody. You don't want to walk into
36:26
someone's apartment and see a a therapeutic pillow on their
36:30
back. Nothing kills a boner faster
36:33
than seeing someone's therapeutic pillow.
36:36
But you know, it's like, pillows should not be that shape.
36:39
They should be a shape that fits my weird body.
36:42
I need one of those pregnant lady pillows.
36:45
I don't know why they've sort of innovative technology, pillow
36:48
technology for pregnant women. I think they should be doing
36:54
more to cater to my needs instead of the needs of people
36:57
who are sort of propagating the human race.
37:00
I think I'm doing just as much, if not more for society than
37:04
pregnant women. But yeah.
37:09
I mean, could I do a tiny bit of research and find out how to
37:13
sleep better so that I don't wake up with a kink in my neck
37:16
once a week? Probably, but I prefer to
37:19
complain about it. Next, I cannot be trusted.
37:27
I've learned this about myself. I can no longer be trusted to
37:31
purchase snacks and bring them into my home and expected to
37:35
behave like a not an animal the way that I turn into a rabid,
37:41
ravenous creature the second I bring a bag of snacks into my
37:45
apartment. And you're you're looking at
37:48
someone who's a firm advocate of having a little treat.
37:50
OK, I know it's become a little bit of, you know, a hack thing
37:56
to talk about having a little treat, but I'm a big supporter
38:00
of having a little treat. The problem is it's never a
38:03
little treat, is it? It's never just a little nibble
38:06
of a tree. It's always an entire bag of
38:08
something. And I unfortunately, I have been
38:11
sort of purchasing more snacks because you, we can't eat fruits
38:14
and vegetables right now. It's not safe.
38:18
So I have to buy, I have to buy a bag of bag of, you know,
38:22
chocolate and chips. We have no answers about where
38:25
the diarrhea is coming from. So I have to just stick to
38:28
eating cinnamon sugar covered pretzel sticks, which is what I
38:32
purchased from the grocery store the other day.
38:35
And I can't have it's, it's stares at me like the dead body
38:40
under the floorboards from that store.
38:42
I hear the heartbeat coming from my bag of cinnamon sugar pretzel
38:47
sticks. Snack scientists got too good at
38:51
making snacks, and they know that you are like, not going to
38:55
be able to stop. Like, I, I don't want to be like
39:00
eating disordery. There's like a fine line when
39:04
you start talking about like your eating habits where
39:08
everybody inevitably devolves into just confessing to an
39:13
eating disorder. People on the Internet, I'm
39:15
like, girl, you need a therapist.
39:20
If you're if you're out here counting the number of chips
39:23
that you're having or counting the number of almonds that you
39:26
have. Barack Obama, we need remember
39:29
when Barack Obama was like, yeah, it has a snack every
39:31
night. I have like 16 almonds.
39:33
And it's like, no, Barack, you're you.
39:37
You're, you have an eating disorder.
39:46
This is this is my intervention for President Barack Obama.
39:50
You have an eating disorder. But yeah, I'm, I'm always like,
39:56
I'm like, just eat what you want.
39:58
You know, eat in moderation. Don't go crazy.
40:00
But it's just like they've made food so that it is impossible to
40:04
eat it in moderation. Why'd you make it too good?
40:08
Now I want to eat this whole bag and then, you know, 4000
40:11
calories later, I'm on my couch. I feel like shit.
40:15
But yeah, there's this brand. I think her name is dot.
40:20
She has, she has those pretzel twisted pretzel sticks and they
40:23
have cinnamon sugar ones. And I'll, I'll eat dirt if you
40:27
put cinnamon on it. And so she got me with those.
40:31
And I've been, I've been gnawing down on those.
40:34
I can't just eat like a small amount of a, of a snack.
40:38
It's like game over. And that's why I can't bring it
40:40
into the house. Even those, because I do love
40:43
true, true fruit. Yeah, that sponsor us true
40:48
fruit. I I'll get those.
40:50
It's like, you know, the chocolate, the chocolate and
40:53
peanut butter cover banana ones. Put that directly inside of me,
40:59
but I buy that and it's like the whole bag is gone within a day.
41:02
I can't be doing that. But you know what, who cares?
41:06
The air is on fire. Eat whatever you want.
41:09
I just, I came full circle. Eat whatever you want.
41:13
It doesn't fucking matter. I'm going to have I, I will say
41:16
the one thing I don't like nuts should not be having that many
41:19
calories. I know it's, again, I don't want
41:22
to do calorie counting, but like a bag of nuts, we should not
41:26
Why? Why does one bag of delicious
41:29
cashews have to be like 500 calories?
41:33
That's too many for nuts. This is supposed to be health
41:37
food. And finally, the battle that I
41:42
go through to find parking for a city bike.
41:48
OK, this is maybe only relevant to people who live in a city
41:51
that has a public bike program or, you know, a share bike share
41:55
program. But also it applies to parking
41:58
in general because I know people who have cars who are like, if
42:03
you live in a city and you have to find a parking spot.
42:06
I mean, there is an entire Seinfeld episode about this very
42:08
thing. So OK, Citi Bike is the New York
42:13
City bike share program. You have a little app, you scan
42:17
the thing and you get to take the bike from the docking
42:20
stations that are all over the city.
42:22
The problem is sometimes the docking station that is closest
42:25
to your destination is all full and then you have to go to the
42:30
next closest one. The problem with that is that
42:32
sometimes every bike station in the area is full and then
42:38
especially if it's like a popular destination.
42:40
Cause like a couple weeks ago, 4th of July, I went to my
42:44
friend's apartment who lives near Dumbo, which is where the
42:48
like firework show is. And I didn't realize every
42:52
parking station in like a 2 mile radius was filled up.
42:57
And when that happens, you see every other person trying to
43:02
park their bike. You're like all stopped looking
43:04
at your phone trying to see where the next station is.
43:07
And then you have to race the person to the next station for
43:10
the one parking spot. And it's so it's like unlike
43:14
cars where you just kind of have to guess where the parking spots
43:17
are or they have apps for it now.
43:18
But like you, you see on the thing, Oh, there's one spot at
43:24
this specific station like 5 blocks away, and then you see
43:29
you have to turn into Lance Armstrong and do a full
43:33
triathlon to get to that spot before the next person.
43:36
And you don't always win that battle.
43:40
And I have lost. But yeah, nothing is the walk of
43:44
shame that you have to do when you parked the bike like a 20
43:49
minute walk away because you didn't check.
43:52
Yeah, you can check the app before you leave to see if
43:54
there's a parking spot. Now I know now I know you have
43:57
to check the thing, but I didn't do it then and I ended up
44:01
basically I have to, I came all the way back to my apartment and
44:03
had to just walk anyway. So yeah, the battle for city
44:09
bike parking. Mamdani, do something, do
44:16
something, fix it 'cause I'm and they need to turn the speed back
44:20
up. They lowered the speed those the
44:22
electric bikes started. They used to go like 18 miles an
44:26
hour and now they go 15 miles an hour or something.
44:28
Not fast enough. It's probably for the best
44:32
considering that I am not kind of protecting myself in the way
44:35
I should be. But anyway, my what day for the
44:41
week, the thing that's making me say, hey, my opposite of the
44:45
what the heck. And I am just going to go ahead
44:47
and give a shout out to my beautiful ambrosia, the food of
44:51
the gods, peanut butter, my personal food of the gods.
44:57
I've been kind of falling back in love with peanut butter in a
45:00
very real way. Another thing that it's like,
45:03
OK, one scoop is kind of my entire, my entire daily caloric
45:08
intake. It should not be that way, but
45:11
they made it delicious. I love putting the scoop of
45:15
peanut butter in my oatmeal in the morning.
45:17
I do frozen, I do oatmeal, frozen blueberries, 'cause then
45:21
they get sort of like it kind of brings it all to the perfect
45:25
temperature scoop of peanut butter.
45:29
And that's kind of like a peanut butter and Jelly oatmeal.
45:32
Yeah. Or, and then you do a little hit
45:34
of honey on top. But yeah, peanut butter, it
45:39
comes in crunchy, it comes in cranny.
45:42
It's doing all the types of stuff.
45:43
And other nut butters have tried to do what peanut butter is
45:46
trying. They've tried to dethrone peanut
45:49
butter from the nut butter pyramid pinnacle.
45:54
And it's not going to happen, babe.
45:57
OK, Almond butter for a second. It was kind of like almond
46:00
butter's pulling ahead. No tahini.
46:04
They just invented another word for for sesame seed butter
46:10
because that's what tahini is. But like, yeah, cashew butter.
46:14
They were doing cashew butter for a while.
46:15
No peanut butter all the way. You're not going to top her.
46:18
She's she's will always be my queen.
46:21
And yeah, I'm going crunchy. I'm sorry.
46:24
Yeah, I I need the crunch. I heard so on a podcast at one
46:27
point, but I think it's made-up and I never looked looked into
46:31
it that humans like a crunch because it satisfies our like a
46:37
kind of primal urge to like chomp into a bug.
46:41
It was specifically to chomp into a bug.
46:45
And I was like, I don't think that's right.
46:48
I don't think that's true, but so I do think of that every time
46:52
I crunch into a delicious peanut.
46:54
But yeah, I just nothing is doing it like peanut butter.
46:59
And it is. It's worth the the extra
47:03
poundage. So shout out to peanut butter.
47:08
And that's it for this week's episode.
47:11
Thank you for listening. Make sure you leave us a
47:13
comment, Leave us a nice review. Give us a nice rating.
47:16
Only if it's nice. I don't want to hear your shit
47:19
and we will see you next week. Bye.
47:24
This has been an episode of What the Heck with Matt Bellicide.
47:27
You can call and leave us a voicemail about what's making
47:29
you say what the heck this week and you might be featured on a
47:32
future episode. Call us at 407-984-6288.
47:36
That's four O 7 WTH Matt. What the heck with Matt
47:39
Bellicide is produced by same boat Studios and Bellicide
47:42
Productions. It's hosted by me, Matt
47:45
Bellicide. Our executive producers are
47:46
Gabriel Lewis, Barry Finkel and me, Matt Bellicide.
47:49
Erica Glass is our senior producer.
47:51
Our video editors are Matt Bellisai and Erica Glass.
47:53
Production designed by Erica Glass, Matt Bellisai and Barry
47:56
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47:58
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48:01
Bellisai.