Latest / Black Girls Heal / #305: 4 Ways to Tell the Friendship May Be Temporary

Transcript

#305: 4 Ways to Tell the Friendship May Be Temporary · Black Girls Heal

0:04
[SPEAKER_00]: My job is to somehow make them curious enough.
0:09
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll persuade them by hook or crow to get more aware of themselves and where they came from and what they are into and what is already there is just to bring it out.
0:21
[SPEAKER_00]: This is what compels me to compel them and I will do it by whatever means necessary.
0:29
[SPEAKER_01]: We'll talk to the Black Girls Hill podcast where we talk about healer, intimacy disorders, and resolve trauma, and building a healthy relationship with first ourselves, and then others.
0:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Every episode, we will talk about advice you can apply today to break unhealthy patterns, and grow in your self-worth.
0:46
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm Sheenella Shea, a love addition coach and trauma specialist.
0:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's begin.
0:53
[SPEAKER_02]: Hello, hello, and welcome to the latest episode of Black Girls Heal.
0:58
[SPEAKER_02]: So this is very interesting because as you may know, we are going through friendships right now.
1:05
[SPEAKER_02]: What is going to be the last episode of our series?
1:08
[SPEAKER_02]: It's going to be the last episode of the series of the series before we go back to live a corner podcast or a different format.
1:17
[SPEAKER_02]: You'll be sure to hear what that's going to be shortly if I haven't shared it already.
1:21
[SPEAKER_02]: But this was not going to be the last episode.
1:25
[SPEAKER_02]: I plan to share three more episodes.
1:29
[SPEAKER_02]: So what have been six six episodes for us to revisit and looking at friendships.
1:34
[SPEAKER_02]: However, however, however, as I stood here recording this intro,
1:39
[SPEAKER_02]: I feel like it is time for this to close and come to an end.
1:44
[SPEAKER_02]: And not only just for time sake, but I also think because all of these topics, or I don't want to say, I think they all overlap in very similar in a lot of ways.
1:56
[SPEAKER_02]: Different ways to talk about the problem and coming at it.
2:00
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I don't want to overwhelm us with focusing on the negativity of something versus it actually being productive.
2:08
[SPEAKER_02]: So here's what I'm going to do.
2:10
[SPEAKER_02]: You will see the title of this week's episode.
2:13
[SPEAKER_02]: So that's going to tell you what this episode is about.
2:15
[SPEAKER_02]: However, I don't want to tell you the names of the other episodes that we're going to revisit.
2:20
[SPEAKER_02]: So for those of you who don't know in these series, we've been doing throwbacks to previous podcast episodes so that we can go deeper in them.
2:28
[SPEAKER_02]: and our BJ members come for those of you who are members, you know, there are works who's available, we are having discussions about it, we're asking questions, we're doing all the things in there, right?
2:37
[SPEAKER_02]: So we are using almost five years where the podcast episodes that we have here, and we are really just applying them, right?
2:45
[SPEAKER_02]: Because I know so many of you have been doing this for years, especially if you've even followed me from the beginning, you have multiple episodes that you've told me that you were listening to all the time, right?
2:56
[SPEAKER_02]: So this is just
2:57
[SPEAKER_02]: Part for the courses have now we're doing it together.
3:00
[SPEAKER_02]: But I'm going to give you the episodes that we're going to choose from.
3:03
[SPEAKER_02]: And if any of the titles sound interesting to you, it was not the one that I decided to use for today's.
3:10
[SPEAKER_02]: Then I'm giving you the episode number two for you to go back and listen to that as well.
3:15
[SPEAKER_02]: But here they are.
3:16
[SPEAKER_02]: Episode two, seventy four ways to tell the friendship might be temporary.
3:22
[SPEAKER_02]: Episode fifty eight, navigating conflicts in friendships, or episode two, forty two, seven tips to recover after a friendship break up.
3:33
[SPEAKER_02]: In fact, as I say that loud, my gut, my spotty says it's like that's the one.
3:36
[SPEAKER_02]: So that's what we are going to be talking about.
3:39
[SPEAKER_02]: If you're at a place where you don't know if your friendship is going to be temporary, you don't know how to navigate the current conflict that you're having.
3:48
[SPEAKER_02]: which is why maybe this episode might have been timely for some of you or you're hoping that this wasn't put here as a sign, right?
3:56
[SPEAKER_02]: Like you're hoping that you're able to salvage your relationship as is.
4:01
[SPEAKER_02]: Go back, listen to those episodes.
4:03
[SPEAKER_02]: You can also scan, scroll, search all of our archives where we talk about conflict resolution.
4:09
[SPEAKER_02]: There's also an episode that talks about doing a relationship check-in with a loved one and I give you specific questions to ask to do that check-in so you can find that episode as well.
4:20
[SPEAKER_02]: But yeah, friendship breakups are so hard and so painful and I think in the case that that is needed.
4:28
[SPEAKER_02]: This is what we need to revisit so that we can heal our hearts.
4:32
[SPEAKER_02]: and move forward and make space for relationships that are ready to give us what we need and be a little bit more long term.
4:40
[SPEAKER_02]: So that's it for now.
4:41
[SPEAKER_02]: Let's go ahead and jump on it.
4:44
[SPEAKER_02]: Hello, hello, and welcome to the latest episode of Black Girls Hill.
4:48
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm so excited to be with you today in today's episode.
4:52
[SPEAKER_02]: Today, we are both talking about four different determinants, four different ways to determine or tell if the friendship that you either currently have or
5:02
[SPEAKER_02]: want to have or are currently building might be a temporary ship.
5:10
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think this is really important because on this podcast, we talk a lot about building healthy relationships and how to tell when someone is good for us and when someone is not
5:20
[SPEAKER_02]: One of the terms that I talk about a lot here is the availability.
5:24
[SPEAKER_02]: And in fact, this episode is also inspired by the fact that the book, how to pick partners for love addicts written by me.
5:30
[SPEAKER_02]: Let's say we'll be coming out within the next couple of weeks.
5:34
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm so excited to get this into your hands.
5:37
[SPEAKER_02]: It is a literal guide for you to be able to determine
5:41
[SPEAKER_02]: Who are the people who are healthy and stay and are the right people that you can trust and connect with and who are not?
5:48
[SPEAKER_02]: And there's twenty qualifiers of availability and twenty qualifiers of unavailability and you will literally be able to check these things off along with detail explanations around each of these qualifiers and how they affect you and what to look out for as special circumstances and all of that.
6:04
[SPEAKER_02]: When as I'm getting prepared to publish this book, like I said, we talk a lot about romantic partnerships here on this podcast.
6:10
[SPEAKER_02]: What our friendships are our chosen family.
6:12
[SPEAKER_02]: They are the ones that for many of us have not most of us, these are the people we're going to outlast, even the people that we may end up building our lives with.
6:21
[SPEAKER_02]: And getting married to or having children with, you know, they are the ones who maybe seeing us do
6:26
[SPEAKER_02]: multiple transitions alive.
6:27
[SPEAKER_02]: They're the ones that we may call a degree of clock in the morning to tackle about nothing and everything at the same time.
6:32
[SPEAKER_02]: And are there to who our hands do the most impactful moments of our time, right?
6:37
[SPEAKER_02]: Friendships are deeply, deeply important and so deserve focus.
6:43
[SPEAKER_02]: And this book, even though it's titled how to pick partners for love addicts at the connotation being romantic, this book is going to be for anybody who is in our intimate circle, along with the scale on how to determine is someone actually best friend material, life partner material, whereas this person in the stranger danger category.
7:00
[SPEAKER_02]: It is this person extremely dangerous and we'll be able to literally scale our relationships.
7:06
[SPEAKER_02]: Knowing that that is the case and knowing that a lot of people use this podcast not only for romantic partnerships, family relationships, but also friendship.
7:13
[SPEAKER_02]: I was thinking about how for many of us when it comes to us, building our friendships.
7:18
[SPEAKER_02]: One of the things that happens is we can meet someone who marks all the qualifiers of being someone who's great and happy and healthy and we have things in common.
7:27
[SPEAKER_02]: But we find that the relationship does not take off past a certain point.
7:31
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, even if we really connect really well, it doesn't seem to have legs.
7:35
[SPEAKER_02]: And it can be very disappointing, especially if this is a really great person.
7:39
[SPEAKER_02]: So I've seen this over and over again, and multiple different places.
7:42
[SPEAKER_02]: And so I thought it would be helpful to share what are four ways or four places that you can tell if the friendship that you have with the other person might be temporary.
7:53
[SPEAKER_02]: It is absolutely possible that this friendship is going to last for a lifetime, but sometimes we go friendships in certain seasons and situations, and that's what the friendship was for.
8:02
[SPEAKER_02]: And so I'm going to talk about those different scenarios today, so let's go ahead and jump on in.
8:11
[SPEAKER_02]: Like I said, even though the somewhere in the title is for a way to tell that the French might be to bury or something related to that, it's going to be titled something similar.
8:20
[SPEAKER_02]: But I'm about to say, if you were thinking about, hey, this is what me and my best friend connected on, or this was going on right now, this person I'm getting really close with, or this is the story of the friend that I've had for the last one years, I'm not saying that your friendship is temporary.
8:36
[SPEAKER_02]: This is for those of us who, you know, when I talk about love addiction and love avoidance and the trauma that comes with anxious attachments and avoiding attachment style, one of the things that is the common denominator is that fear of abandonment, but feeling of rejection.
8:52
[SPEAKER_02]: No matter how hyper-independent you come off, no matter how much you say you don't really need people, especially listening to a podcast like this, you want to have connection, you want to feel better, you least want to feel more secure yourself and to not have
9:05
[SPEAKER_02]: be thrown so back and forth about what's going on in your relationships, right?
9:09
[SPEAKER_02]: You want to feel love and you want to be loved.
9:11
[SPEAKER_02]: When you get into relationships where you finally start to feel that way and it doesn't take all or you feel like the person that's kind of being iffy with you, it will reinforce those fears of abandonment and rejection because here it feels like here's another incident that me putting myself out there and this person doesn't want me.
9:29
[SPEAKER_02]: or they change their mind, or now they're flaky, like we start out being really cool.
9:35
[SPEAKER_02]: And now, you know, once people get in there, and then they disappear on me, like whatever your trauma story is, people change their mind, I'm not good enough, it's taken away from me, we get into a big fight, you know, whatever it may be, I want to kind of get ahead with any of all of those stories for you to know, then maybe it doesn't have to mean that you're being abandoned, maybe it doesn't mean that you're being rejected,
9:58
[SPEAKER_02]: Sometimes we are given great relationships that are mental access a lifetime.
10:03
[SPEAKER_02]: And sometimes we are given great relationships that are mental access a season.
10:07
[SPEAKER_02]: And both are amazing gifts.
10:09
[SPEAKER_02]: When we can take the gift and have along the duration of the relationship is, and remember it with gratitude, it's gonna help us not have a closed heart for future relationships.
10:20
[SPEAKER_02]: It's going to help us remember, hey, that person that was really close to before, that a no longer close with, instead of me being resentful about it or sad about it or confused about it or a personal line said there was something that I could have did differently or he or she or they could have done differently.
10:33
[SPEAKER_02]: And this is why I can't really trust people.
10:35
[SPEAKER_02]: Instead of me going there, I remember with gratitude.
10:38
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm like, I'm so happy that during this moment and time through this season through this experience, I have such a deep and loving friendship.
10:45
[SPEAKER_02]: This is evidence.
10:47
[SPEAKER_02]: that this type of love and companionship exists for me.
10:50
[SPEAKER_02]: This is evidence that this type of love and companionship can be that easy, that it can be that kismant, that can be that energetic, and it was with someone who was healthy, like this relationship was actually not a crashing burn, you know, start off really hot and dissipate, which is part of the reason why I wanted it to stay, which is part of the reason why I'm low key sad or high key sad that this person is not in my life as much anymore as I wanted them to be because it was so good.
11:17
[SPEAKER_02]: But I understand that these healthy people do exist.
11:20
[SPEAKER_02]: And so I know that I'm going to find the friends or be able to cultivate the friendships that already has with people who are here for longer than these transitionary periods.
11:31
[SPEAKER_02]: OK?
11:32
[SPEAKER_02]: So like I said, in today's episode, I'm going to be talking about four different types of brings that you can initially bond with someone on that might be a sign that this friendship is a temporary or transient friendship.
11:46
[SPEAKER_02]: Mingers crossed that this is someone who you connects with us.
11:49
[SPEAKER_02]: We initial bonding, but if this is only what this is, that doesn't mean that all of your relationships are always be one note.
11:58
[SPEAKER_02]: It doesn't mean that they will always be just seasonal friendships that this is actually more of a sign that it can be this good, this rich, this amazing, and only get better from here if you decide to look at it that way.
12:11
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay, so the first one, I'm just going to jump with the easy picking switches shared interests.
12:18
[SPEAKER_02]: One of the pieces of advice that's given out all the time for those of us who want to make adult friendships is if you want to meet people, you got to go outside, right?
12:26
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, you can stay inside, but it might be a lot harder.
12:31
[SPEAKER_02]: Even if you are someone who is like me, who likes James, video games and all the things that are online and social media, you still got to connect with people.
12:40
[SPEAKER_02]: You still got to send those messages.
12:42
[SPEAKER_02]: You got to get on face on, we're getting on the phone, you know, meet up in a cafe if y'all are in person to actually build a real friendship, you know, and talking to phone and all that other stuff.
12:51
[SPEAKER_02]: But let's say you build a shirt and just over y'all join in adults.
12:56
[SPEAKER_02]: football league, you know, and every time after y'all get together and y'all play game, y'all go have drinks and stuff and y'all keep y'all have a great time and it's really awesome.
13:06
[SPEAKER_02]: Maybe you connected over in our class.
13:09
[SPEAKER_02]: Maybe you connected because you're taking swahili classes and you know, you and her really connected over.
13:15
[SPEAKER_02]: So friends, y'all haven't common enough like that.
13:18
[SPEAKER_02]: So you'll have a lot in common.
13:20
[SPEAKER_02]: You seem like you have a lot of chemistry and you keep trying to get her them him to hang out with you more than that, right?
13:28
[SPEAKER_02]: So I had this thing that's going on when my play this next week was your life to come.
13:32
[SPEAKER_02]: They may say yes or they may say, oh my gosh, I have to see.
13:36
[SPEAKER_02]: and you do enough invites, you do enough invitations of that, and there's no follow through of it.
13:40
[SPEAKER_02]: You find out that they are doing things on the weekends without you, which of course they are because, you know, we're all adult people, but it's things that maybe y'all have talked about that you're like me, and I would have really liked to come to that, and maybe everyone's the one you're like, hey, next time we do something fun like that, let me know, I will love to come.
13:57
[SPEAKER_02]: When they come to find out, they'd really don't invite you to come, right?
14:01
[SPEAKER_02]: But y'all still, you don't sense any bad energy, you don't sense any indirect, massive aggressive commentary thing.
14:08
[SPEAKER_02]: They seem like really cool people.
14:10
[SPEAKER_02]: It's just that they do seem interested or available to hang out with you past that.
14:15
[SPEAKER_02]: So what are you going to do in that situation?
14:18
[SPEAKER_02]: Like I said at the top, there are going to be some people that we meet that are going to be those that we actually bond over initial interest.
14:27
[SPEAKER_02]: and they have multiple signs of availability which includes initiating and reaching out to you to hang out, which includes checking in on you, which includes they not only enjoy you, but they also want to help you out in your special events.
14:42
[SPEAKER_02]: They invite you to be a part of their special events, right?
14:44
[SPEAKER_02]: These are literal qualifiers that are in the book, how to pick partners for love addicts, right?
14:50
[SPEAKER_02]: For you to check off and mark.
14:52
[SPEAKER_02]: And so these are the people who will grow to be friends.
14:56
[SPEAKER_02]: For those people who don't have those qualifiers, they are not going to be your real true best friends.
15:03
[SPEAKER_02]: In the book, one of the different, like I said, that there's an actual scale.
15:07
[SPEAKER_02]: One of the categories of a scale is casual claims.
15:10
[SPEAKER_02]: Sometimes there are people that we will meet that will seem so amazing.
15:13
[SPEAKER_02]: It's so awesome.
15:14
[SPEAKER_02]: You know that you could be best friends, but for whatever reason, whether or not they are busy, whether or not they are distracted, maybe there's something on there and that they don't feel like it's a district, but they are not going to show that with you.
15:25
[SPEAKER_02]: They don't really want to say it to you.
15:27
[SPEAKER_02]: Maybe they're going through their own stuff in the background.
15:29
[SPEAKER_02]: They just don't have the capacity to bring on anybody else.
15:32
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, maybe they are a master avoidant.
15:35
[SPEAKER_02]: And they're just really good at being charming and finding everything.
15:39
[SPEAKER_02]: Whatever it is, they are showing you signs that they are only available for casual acquaintance friendship or relationship because that's not friendship.
15:47
[SPEAKER_02]: Friendship is mutual.
15:48
[SPEAKER_02]: Friendship is giving and taking that happens.
15:51
[SPEAKER_02]: So again, you have a decision on what you're going to do.
15:54
[SPEAKER_02]: If there are no other, like I said in the book, there are qualifiers of people who were unavailable, which are signs of danger.
16:01
[SPEAKER_02]: We have none of those exist, and they still land in the casual, quamous category, right?
16:08
[SPEAKER_02]: They used it to decide
16:10
[SPEAKER_02]: If I'm going to keep this person to be my volleyball friend, am I going to keep this person to be just my book club friend?
16:17
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, I would love to hang out with her and get drinks outside of it, but she will still just keep it to a book club.
16:22
[SPEAKER_02]: And so, can I be in these shared environments with her and enjoy it for everything that it is and not personalize and say, well, why don't you like me?
16:31
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, wish you all with me, you're rejecting me.
16:33
[SPEAKER_02]: And now I feel like I have to defend myself against
16:37
[SPEAKER_02]: What feels like a rejection when you don't know what's going on in this person's life.
16:40
[SPEAKER_02]: You don't know if she has where they have an abusive sex.
16:45
[SPEAKER_02]: And so they are lucky to even see you at this shared environment.
16:48
[SPEAKER_02]: So it really has nothing to do with you.
16:51
[SPEAKER_02]: You don't know if you know they are
16:54
[SPEAKER_02]: sober.
16:54
[SPEAKER_02]: And so you keep inviting them out to drinks and they don't want to tell everybody that they're sober.
16:59
[SPEAKER_02]: And so you think that they aren't saying no to you because it's about you, me while they're hanging out with all these other people, but really it's about their trying to protect their sobriety.
17:09
[SPEAKER_02]: You know?
17:10
[SPEAKER_02]: And that's what I mean about the complexity when it comes to building friendships.
17:13
[SPEAKER_02]: I why have this podcast because the stories that we have in our heads, the narratives that we have in our heads are very, very, very, very, very strong.
17:22
[SPEAKER_02]: If we are used to people being sometimes and flaky and here one minute and not the next, it's going to be very hard for us to initially be defensive to see what other people do and take offense to it because we feel like we know very clearly why they're doing it.
17:39
[SPEAKER_02]: And I've said this before sometimes especially for those of us who are very discerning.
17:45
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm very intuitive.
17:46
[SPEAKER_02]: We can be like, I know, because my gut feeling always leads me right, but sometimes our gut feeling is actually our trauma response, which feels very, very similar.
17:56
[SPEAKER_02]: It is just as strong.
17:59
[SPEAKER_02]: And so I talk about these things that this podcast and I do all this education and I teach the programs that I do and I'm putting out the book that I'm going to be putting out because we need something to kind of burst out bubble a little bit because sometimes we're right.
18:12
[SPEAKER_02]: and sometimes we're wrong.
18:14
[SPEAKER_02]: And the consequence that happens is if we have someone who would be the best, I play pickleball.
18:19
[SPEAKER_02]: Someone who would be a great pickleball friend, but because they aren't available to do things on the outside, now I don't want to go play pickleball anymore.
18:28
[SPEAKER_02]: I only want to see her face because I'm glad I heard you do this and now she's not there.
18:32
[SPEAKER_02]: And now when I'm there, I came with focus on the game because, you know, I'm
18:38
[SPEAKER_02]: I don't want to be too warm to her because why would I do that because you just kind of played in my face.
18:43
[SPEAKER_02]: Me, well, again, first and most likely isn't thinking anything about me, right?
18:48
[SPEAKER_02]: But it's more about what I feel about myself and what I think about was going on.
18:53
[SPEAKER_02]: Last time I'm saying this because I've already said it a few times in case you missed it.
18:57
[SPEAKER_02]: This is I'm only saying this if there are actual actually no signs that this person is redatory but they are actually mean and insulting you and treating you like you're less than and if they are kind of doing friend of me stuff then no this person is not a casual acclaims like once you go ahead and do
19:17
[SPEAKER_02]: the chart this in the book.
19:18
[SPEAKER_02]: You'll see that a lot of times people who mark all these categories, they're in the dangerous category, but because we click with them in some other areas, or we have some things in common, we're trying to look over it.
19:29
[SPEAKER_02]: When these are not people that you need to be trying to be friends with, period, and that's why it's not clicking.
19:34
[SPEAKER_02]: And so your gut feeling is on point, and maybe you do need to change your boundaries a little bit around that, right?
19:40
[SPEAKER_02]: Beginning more to the back to the topic of today's podcast,
19:44
[SPEAKER_02]: If you meet someone and you have shared interest, but is not taking off, they might be because, I mean, any number of reasons, I'll list like ten and it could be pretty more, you know?
19:56
[SPEAKER_02]: And so you need to decide if you're going to maintain the benefits of what this relationship gives you and letting yourself know that it's okay that some friendships are just going to stay in a certain container.
20:08
[SPEAKER_02]: Like it doesn't mean that they're bad people.
20:11
[SPEAKER_02]: It doesn't mean that you're bad people and it doesn't mean that you can't have other deep friendships that you have shared interest and y'all invite each other to your family's house and you make trips together.
20:21
[SPEAKER_02]: Man you pray together every Tuesday night like new fan have those friendships and just have the one note.
20:28
[SPEAKER_02]: Friendships as well.
20:29
[SPEAKER_02]: We'll all just do a shared activity together and that's okay.
20:32
[SPEAKER_02]: Can you forgive them for not being available?
20:34
[SPEAKER_02]: Is it really big question?
20:36
[SPEAKER_02]: Can you forgive them and let them surrender and let go and let them know the life they want to and let it not be about you?
20:42
[SPEAKER_02]: That's the first category.
20:43
[SPEAKER_02]: Second category is shared trauma.
20:47
[SPEAKER_02]: Sometimes we'll meet someone and connect with them because in our get to know new conversations, they lost them on the same way I lost them on.
20:55
[SPEAKER_02]: They were hurt in the same way that I was hurt.
20:58
[SPEAKER_02]: They went through this tragedy just like I went through this tragedy.
21:01
[SPEAKER_02]: They grew up in this neighborhood or this setting that was really dangerous and really chaotic and so did I. They were victim of racial trauma and so was I in this way.
21:10
[SPEAKER_02]: They grew up being the black girl who was wasn't black enough and so was I, you know, like
21:16
[SPEAKER_02]: You might have all these shared experiences that are very emotionally heavy and emotionally triggering because of the intensity of that and you're able to share it.
21:24
[SPEAKER_02]: In fact, it's saying, yeah, me too, like you just feel like it is kismant.
21:28
[SPEAKER_02]: Again, it feels like it is something that means that y'all are kind of meant to you that you get to get each other.
21:33
[SPEAKER_02]: Now you might get each other.
21:35
[SPEAKER_02]: But do you have anything in common outside of that?
21:38
[SPEAKER_02]: Do you actually have shared interest?
21:40
[SPEAKER_02]: Do you actually have the same personality?
21:42
[SPEAKER_02]: Do you have the same, when are you due levels?
21:45
[SPEAKER_02]: Or do you just have the same trauma background?
21:47
[SPEAKER_02]: Is it possible that, of course, you'd be meeting each other and having each other, is because sometimes what your friendship is supposed to be, is checking in with each other when things are hard, right?
22:00
[SPEAKER_02]: And not really anything more than that.
22:02
[SPEAKER_02]: I've noticed that sometimes what happens is you can meet someone, especially in spaces like this.
22:08
[SPEAKER_02]: Let me just be honest, in spaces like this with other people who are self aware and want to heal and want to have the relationships.
22:15
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, there's so much information out there, especially for those of us who are a certain age about being intentional about making adult friendships and putting yourself out there.
22:23
[SPEAKER_02]: So let's say you meet someone, you have a share background in history, you know, you're both click.
22:28
[SPEAKER_02]: Girl, you're avoided or your anxious.
22:30
[SPEAKER_02]: I've been anxious to you know, like talking about that, but he don't really have a lot of the other stuff in common, right?
22:37
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, they're cool people.
22:39
[SPEAKER_02]: They, you know, they're cool people.
22:40
[SPEAKER_02]: They know your cool people.
22:42
[SPEAKER_02]: So you try to hang out.
22:44
[SPEAKER_02]: You try to hang out.
22:45
[SPEAKER_02]: You try to do the coffee thing, you try to use a dinner thing.
22:48
[SPEAKER_02]: I'll both have home training.
22:50
[SPEAKER_02]: So you're able to have conversations, but it doesn't, it just doesn't.
22:56
[SPEAKER_02]: feels smooth.
22:57
[SPEAKER_02]: It's because there are some people that, yeah, you might have a lot of common, you might be the same, you know, level of maybe maturity or same emotional regulation skills that y'all can like tray back and forth and everything.
23:11
[SPEAKER_02]: But are they actually someone who is meant to be your close friend?
23:16
[SPEAKER_02]: Are they someone who's going to want to turn up the way that you want to turn up?
23:19
[SPEAKER_02]: How you want to turn up and as often as you want to turn up?
23:22
[SPEAKER_02]: Do you like to turn up?
23:24
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, is this person actually your people on the availability checklist having fun the way you like to have fun is also literally one of the categories for you to assess whether not this person is a good fit for you and also again if you enjoy just their company and if they enjoy yours you know so many of us who's been time with people out of obligation
23:48
[SPEAKER_02]: out of loneliness, or out of this very tried and true habit, we're trying to make something work.
23:54
[SPEAKER_02]: We learned as little girls in our trauma that even when someone is in doing something you want them to do or shine out the way that you need them to, you have perfected the art of making whatever is in front of you work.
24:05
[SPEAKER_02]: And some of us need to let go of people, friendships, relationships, or people who are good enough, but quite not quite it.
24:11
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, for my recovery school program, which is my main coaching program, I would do open houses a lot.
24:18
[SPEAKER_02]: And even in the master classes, it might actually still be in one of the three master classes.
24:23
[SPEAKER_02]: But I will show the profiles of the different people who would join the program that I would, that I, that I teach that I coach.
24:30
[SPEAKER_02]: And one of the profiles I would have a lot of women who joined, working with me who are introverts.
24:36
[SPEAKER_02]: So I'll show like the typical schedule of an introvert before we started working together.
24:40
[SPEAKER_02]: And I will show that a lot of times the introverted women that I would work with, it's not even that they wouldn't have any social time.
24:46
[SPEAKER_02]: But it's that the social time that they would have would be with people that they really does their life.
24:51
[SPEAKER_02]: And it doesn't mean that they're mean people, but it wasn't people that they really feel like they had a lot of stuff in common with, but they would go because they've heard, I have to be social, I have to go out there to make friends, you know, been in the house for so long, let me go ahead and put myself out there and try.
25:05
[SPEAKER_02]: Or they would have a lot of social time with their friends, with their family, you know, and maybe their family wasn't that healthy, but again, they're trying to keep themselves out there because being alone all the time, even though it's rejuvenating, they know they won't connection in community.
25:19
[SPEAKER_02]: I just don't believe that we have to be around people and be in situations and settings where we're not having fun.
25:26
[SPEAKER_02]: I feel like fun.
25:27
[SPEAKER_02]: Here's a basic mean that many of us, especially those of us who trauma, it was not emphasized as a child.
25:35
[SPEAKER_02]: Like some teachers and healers talk about it as the ability to play, right?
25:40
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm just going to say a half fun.
25:41
[SPEAKER_02]: Let's just keep it, keep it about, keep it simple.
25:44
[SPEAKER_02]: You have a fun in your everyday life.
25:47
[SPEAKER_02]: It is important.
25:48
[SPEAKER_02]: It is an important part of self-care.
25:51
[SPEAKER_02]: When I meet women who are really self-aware and already have really good or what they feel like are self-care routines and I'm asking what they do for themselves every day and they tell me unless what you do and they might list well yeah, I'll work out all the time and I'll do all this stuff and I was like okay.
26:09
[SPEAKER_02]: So what do you do for fun?
26:10
[SPEAKER_02]: And they do stumps.
26:13
[SPEAKER_02]: I mean, as they understand, like, I know that there are some people who will say, well, you know, working out is fun, but the women that I'm talking with, they understand that dumb working out is a task for them to maintain their body.
26:27
[SPEAKER_02]: It is not something that makes them giggle when they go and do it.
26:30
[SPEAKER_02]: It is not something that makes someone a kick their feet up when they think about, you know, coming home to do it when they get home.
26:35
[SPEAKER_02]: Like that connection to joy and pleasure was not something that we are trained with, given to make porridge to have a talk about pointed out to for many of us.
26:47
[SPEAKER_02]: And for some of us who have cultivated, sometimes it's an excess.
26:51
[SPEAKER_02]: Like we are so geared towards the hedonism of it all, you know, health and worry.
26:55
[SPEAKER_02]: We are like, I'm going to go straight for pleasure and at the consequences.
26:59
[SPEAKER_02]: And so we could have to scale that back.
27:01
[SPEAKER_02]: But for the most part, I'm helping women learn how to tune into their pleasure.
27:05
[SPEAKER_02]: So connecting that back to the point of this is, I'm connecting with someone based on our past stories and our traumas and all this other stuff.
27:13
[SPEAKER_02]: But when we get together, it's kind of dull and it's kind of boring and it's not because I'm not used to
27:20
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, being with healthy and available people is just that we don't really have that much in common.
27:24
[SPEAKER_02]: It's okay for me to call that what it is.
27:27
[SPEAKER_02]: It's okay to say, okay, well, this is a person that I'm only going to hang out with or talk with when I want to connect in this way, but because I'm healthy and available.
27:35
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm not just going to use her as a emotional dumping ground like I'm a chicken on her.
27:39
[SPEAKER_02]: She's going to check it with me.
27:41
[SPEAKER_02]: We might even decide to be accountability partners for depending on whatever our therapeutic goals or whatever is or, you know, we can reach out to share quote that our therapist told us or something from scripture of that's our thing, you know, like I doesn't mean with all these.
27:57
[SPEAKER_02]: For the most part, I believe I'm going to talk about the middle ground.
28:01
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to talk about instead of us saying, OK, this person who I have this share thing with, I want them to be my best friend.
28:08
[SPEAKER_02]: But that doesn't happen.
28:09
[SPEAKER_02]: Do I need to cut them off?
28:11
[SPEAKER_02]: No.
28:12
[SPEAKER_02]: We can be in the middle.
28:13
[SPEAKER_02]: We can have a relationship that sits in this really beautiful balance between the benefits that it gives us, but also being very aware that it can't give us everything.
28:22
[SPEAKER_02]: And that's OK.
28:24
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay, the third way, and if you're all liking this episode, make sure you got to let me know, leave a comment, send me to DM, share a story, share the post on your social media.
28:37
[SPEAKER_02]: Let me know what you're taking from this episode and how it's been helpful for you.
28:42
[SPEAKER_02]: The third way that you might be connected to someone and it has the potential of being a temporary friendship or a seasonal friendship is if you are in a forced environment together.
28:55
[SPEAKER_02]: So if you bought in a forced environment, I have said this before, but one example that I give often is work friendships.
29:05
[SPEAKER_02]: We have shifted into a time, especially if you live here in the States.
29:09
[SPEAKER_02]: where there are not any third spaces.
29:13
[SPEAKER_02]: I believe that's the right term.
29:14
[SPEAKER_02]: Third spaces are places that you go to hang out with focusing your neighborhood and your community to just rest and relax and all that stuff.
29:22
[SPEAKER_02]: When you look at other countries, you know, a lot of times people point to you, places in Europe, is that there are parks on every single corner.
29:30
[SPEAKER_02]: There are cafes and open closets and centers where just kids are running around.
29:36
[SPEAKER_02]: People are sitting down.
29:37
[SPEAKER_02]: People are people watching.
29:38
[SPEAKER_02]: People are reading books.
29:39
[SPEAKER_02]: And these are the shared spaces that people go to get to know each other and meet folks.
29:44
[SPEAKER_02]: here, especially in the States, and especially if you're in a city like I am like Houston, which isn't very walkable at all.
29:51
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, there aren't really many serious bases or places to go.
29:54
[SPEAKER_02]: There aren't, but you got to drive to get there.
29:57
[SPEAKER_02]: But for the most part, the places we go are working home.
30:01
[SPEAKER_02]: We go to work in home, so work becomes the place for many of us, where it was spending so many hours there.
30:10
[SPEAKER_02]: So work, how do we, how does our community space for many of us?
30:13
[SPEAKER_02]: Some of us have really good brown news about it, but some of us, like it does become a source for friendship.
30:18
[SPEAKER_02]: It does become a source of a place that you kind of look for camaraderie and rest in relax.
30:24
[SPEAKER_02]: You find your besties, right?
30:26
[SPEAKER_02]: So you're spending forty plus hours a week with most of these people, right?
30:30
[SPEAKER_02]: So you're getting to know them, you're getting to know their mama's day, you're getting to know their spouses, you're getting to know what's going on at home with them.
30:37
[SPEAKER_02]: You're all connecting over the coworkers that you like and the coworkers that you don't like.
30:41
[SPEAKER_02]: You're connecting after feedback sessions and deep meetings and commissarating together, celebrating together, like you build really intimate connections there, but it is in a force environment.
30:54
[SPEAKER_02]: It is in a force environment.
30:55
[SPEAKER_02]: You don't know, so what happens when you try to be friends with someone outside of work and they're not available to hang out?
31:04
[SPEAKER_02]: Sometimes what I've seen happens is when you have someone who you have a deep work relationship with, while you're working there, maybe you'll do a hang out, you'll go to the baby showers, you do whatever else.
31:16
[SPEAKER_02]: But once one of you quits leaves, gets fired, whatever else,
31:21
[SPEAKER_02]: been all that stuff stops.
31:22
[SPEAKER_02]: It's heartbreaking, you don't understand that this is just a relationship that is functional for the environment that we're in.
31:30
[SPEAKER_02]: You might think, oh, this is someone who we've been close for years.
31:33
[SPEAKER_02]: And so once that's over, it's like, what happened?
31:36
[SPEAKER_02]: Talk about abandonment, talk about rejection, talk about you giving everything to someone only for them to not be available for you on the other side of it.
31:45
[SPEAKER_02]: That is super hard.
31:47
[SPEAKER_02]: That is devastating, right?
31:49
[SPEAKER_02]: Some of our, may be very much relating to this and really from it.
31:53
[SPEAKER_02]: I know for me, the way it happened for me is I got promoted into a level of leadership.
32:00
[SPEAKER_02]: And I was even really over people that I was supposed to friends with, but it was just a different level and then brings thoughts.
32:07
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, the invites weren't really there when I when we did talk the fluidity that we used to have conversations with wasn't there anymore.
32:15
[SPEAKER_02]: And so that was very heartbreaking, you know, I hear all the time about you have friendships with people at work.
32:22
[SPEAKER_02]: You have all this trust with them.
32:24
[SPEAKER_02]: And then when it comes time for them to save their skin.
32:27
[SPEAKER_02]: This person that you thought you were right or die is with, and that you were in in the struggle with, grow you under the best.
32:33
[SPEAKER_02]: They will turn you in.
32:35
[SPEAKER_02]: They will, like I said, they don't know you.
32:38
[SPEAKER_02]: Again, another level of betrayal.
32:41
[SPEAKER_02]: I have always, anytime I've talked about work relationships, I haven't talked about work relationships in a long time.
32:47
[SPEAKER_02]: that anytime I talk about work relationships, I am more negative about it.
32:54
[SPEAKER_02]: I will tell people, I will remind them that this friendship that you have with this person is a work, it is work, and that they should not be your main source of camaraderie and friendship.
33:05
[SPEAKER_02]: This is very, very hard if you're someone who works at A to nine hour a day and have a one hour commute back and forth.
33:13
[SPEAKER_02]: When are you gonna find the time and energy to connect with other people?
33:16
[SPEAKER_02]: I get that, I hear that, and we could talk about that on another episode.
33:20
[SPEAKER_02]: But for now, for the reasons that I've already kind of listed, for this point, and then also the two other points.
33:26
[SPEAKER_02]: Sometimes we're you're in a force section of forced environment with someone that is the reason why you have it.
33:32
[SPEAKER_02]: Other examples, if you've ever been incarcerated.
33:35
[SPEAKER_02]: Other examples, if you've ever been, y'all, I'm going to be real real here.
33:39
[SPEAKER_02]: If you ever been in a religious environment too, tell me that anyone can relate to the experience.
33:46
[SPEAKER_02]: If you go to a church that you love, right?
33:49
[SPEAKER_02]: You're you serve it on ministry.
33:51
[SPEAKER_02]: You're a small group together.
33:53
[SPEAKER_02]: You're in Bible study.
33:54
[SPEAKER_02]: These, these people are about praying through everything.
33:56
[SPEAKER_02]: They may, you know, help y'all through some really hard times.
33:58
[SPEAKER_02]: You've helped them through hard times.
34:00
[SPEAKER_02]: You have watched their children grow up.
34:02
[SPEAKER_02]: They watch your children grow up.
34:03
[SPEAKER_02]: Y'all know each others.
34:04
[SPEAKER_02]: Second grade auntie's names, right?
34:08
[SPEAKER_02]: What happens when there is a church scandal?
34:12
[SPEAKER_02]: What happens when you decide that you want to leave that church community?
34:16
[SPEAKER_02]: What happens when there is a he says she says situation?
34:20
[SPEAKER_02]: Has anyone been rejected by this religious environment?
34:25
[SPEAKER_02]: This holy community that you felt you knew was deeper than blood because of what you were connected with because you were connected in spirit only to find that that was not the case.
34:36
[SPEAKER_02]: Right.
34:37
[SPEAKER_02]: So so I know that that is like a really deep thing to say, but I know that that is a source of so much religious trauma and a part break and betrayal trauma, but so many people listening.
34:47
[SPEAKER_02]: Right.
34:48
[SPEAKER_02]: And so my point is, is that some of these cases, they will be real.
34:55
[SPEAKER_02]: places that we find friendships that once I leave that church we're still friends, right?
35:00
[SPEAKER_02]: But they're not going to judge me and say that they can't talk to me or think less of me.
35:05
[SPEAKER_02]: They're not going to choose one side over the other.
35:07
[SPEAKER_02]: But sometimes there will be some relationships where it will be confined to that environment that we are only we were best friends while I work there, but outside of that we are not.
35:18
[SPEAKER_02]: So for this situation, the only reason I'm going to give a caveat here
35:23
[SPEAKER_02]: in probably a little bit more empathy around the hard break around it is because I know that when the friendships come from force environments like this, I guess not like like I said a pickleball game that lasts three to hours every couple weeks, right?
35:36
[SPEAKER_02]: But these are people that you're literally living with.
35:40
[SPEAKER_02]: Forty plus hours a week when it comes to work.
35:42
[SPEAKER_02]: Depending on your love and involvement in your religious community, it's like maybe ten to twenty hours.
35:48
[SPEAKER_02]: Plus the fact that you're talking like you're actively talking about the most intimate detail, your hopes, your dreams, your fears, your sins, right?
35:56
[SPEAKER_02]: And you're getting deeply, emotionally intertwined with these folks, right?
36:00
[SPEAKER_02]: So with those situations, if or when these relationships fracture or they dissipate or they kind of start to ghost,
36:09
[SPEAKER_02]: I really do want to validate the grief in the morning that happens with that.
36:14
[SPEAKER_02]: That it could be very hard to look back at that with the positive spin and a positive point of view and be like, well, you know, here's the gift that I got from that.
36:23
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm so happy I got that gift because no, like you were, you were my family.
36:27
[SPEAKER_02]: Like you were family for me more than anybody else was family for me and you left me.
36:31
[SPEAKER_02]: You, you abandoned me.
36:32
[SPEAKER_02]: You
36:33
[SPEAKER_02]: You took care to the card.
36:35
[SPEAKER_02]: You didn't give me a chance to explain.
36:37
[SPEAKER_02]: He didn't try to explain yourself.
36:38
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, you didn't give me the common courtesy of telling me the truth or telling me goodbye or whatever it is or telling me this is the reason why we hit talking more.
36:46
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, like, that is very, very hard.
36:49
[SPEAKER_02]: Art is probably not the strong enough word for that, right?
36:53
[SPEAKER_02]: And so I really want to validate the need to have grief and to work through the feelings of that.
37:00
[SPEAKER_02]: Man, take as long as you need to do that.
37:02
[SPEAKER_02]: Man, to my hope, especially if you're listening to this podcast either before this happens or after it happens if this resonates with you and me putting into words what the experience might have been like for you.
37:14
[SPEAKER_02]: I hope that down the line you are able to take the gifts of that experience.
37:19
[SPEAKER_02]: So that you can still be open to gifts like that in the future, because as devastating as the end has been was, you know, will be maybe for for those of us who might go through this in the future during the time that we had that we grew.
37:37
[SPEAKER_02]: We grew, we healed, we laughed.
37:40
[SPEAKER_02]: Right, we connect it, we love, we were loved, right?
37:43
[SPEAKER_02]: And those were real things that happened in that moment.
37:47
[SPEAKER_02]: And they were things that we needed in that moment.
37:49
[SPEAKER_02]: And they were ours.
37:50
[SPEAKER_02]: And they still are ours.
37:51
[SPEAKER_02]: So it's really some of those emotions.
37:53
[SPEAKER_02]: So can I take those memories and those experiences with gratitude?
37:58
[SPEAKER_02]: And use those, as examples of what I wanted to feature, but then add to my prayer if we are spiritual religious people that I want those type of friendships, well, want them to last.
38:07
[SPEAKER_02]: I want these types of friendships with that they're not temporary.
38:11
[SPEAKER_02]: And please help me find the people that I can grow and build roots with so that these do last forever.
38:16
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay.
38:18
[SPEAKER_02]: The last way that we can tell to see if a friendship is temporary or transient is if we are connecting with them, we're right at your transitionary period, that through a transition period, I'll know what transitionary that is not a word.
38:32
[SPEAKER_02]: The return is additional, right?
38:34
[SPEAKER_02]: Is that the one I was looking for?
38:35
[SPEAKER_02]: The return is additional, period.
38:38
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay, so this might seem like it's related to the trauma section, but it's not because this could be a transitional period that is very joyful.
38:49
[SPEAKER_02]: So did I connect with this person over our shared experience of our kids being a school together?
38:54
[SPEAKER_02]: So we connected in a mommy group.
38:56
[SPEAKER_02]: And that is what we've had in common.
38:58
[SPEAKER_02]: Our kids were the same age.
38:59
[SPEAKER_02]: Did we connect?
39:00
[SPEAKER_02]: Because we did start this new job together, right?
39:03
[SPEAKER_02]: Or we went to a certification class together.
39:06
[SPEAKER_02]: And we are starting in a new chapter of our lives.
39:09
[SPEAKER_02]: Maybe I joined a business group coaching program, right?
39:12
[SPEAKER_02]: And I met other entrepreneurs who were in the same stage than I am.
39:16
[SPEAKER_02]: And so we were connecting over that.
39:18
[SPEAKER_02]: Maybe it is something that is a little bit more heavy like divorce.
39:21
[SPEAKER_02]: I met someone else who's another divorce day.
39:23
[SPEAKER_02]: Maybe I had a met someone at a caregiver support group or someone else who's taking care of adult parents who are no longer good.
39:30
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, but I connected with this person because we're transitioning.
39:34
[SPEAKER_02]: We're growing.
39:34
[SPEAKER_02]: I met another woman who's also in herself healing era.
39:38
[SPEAKER_02]: Right, who's awesome, her meat era.
39:40
[SPEAKER_02]: She's in her soft life era.
39:43
[SPEAKER_02]: We're digging into this feminine energy stuff together, right?
39:46
[SPEAKER_02]: But similar to all the other things that I've listed for today's podcast, this is the main thing that we hadn't common is one thing to look out for.
39:54
[SPEAKER_02]: Four, and four.
39:58
[SPEAKER_02]: If in when you try to bridge the gap and build relationship with this person outside of it, they are not available.
40:06
[SPEAKER_02]: So at this mommy and me group, we can keep it key to and keep it light while we're here together.
40:11
[SPEAKER_02]: We might even train information, but when I try to send her attacks, send them attacks later, they take forever to respond, right?
40:18
[SPEAKER_02]: We say, yo, we should totally go get coffee after the next thing that happens, but next time I see them at the next event,
40:25
[SPEAKER_02]: They are not as, I don't want to say happy to see you, but they may be, they might say hi, but they're not like having conversation with you as much as they were before.
40:35
[SPEAKER_02]: And you might get the gist that may be because they actually don't want to have coffee.
40:39
[SPEAKER_02]: Like maybe they just, you know, instinctually say, yeah, I told them to do it, but then because they knew you were probably following up on the next time, then they decided not to.
40:48
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm really a big proponent of asking people to, you know, kind of one of the things I've been alluding to, if I didn't say it directly, is we can get in a lot of trouble when we live in our heads.
40:58
[SPEAKER_02]: So we might think, we see them at the next event, and they're not talking to us like you remember I said it on the spotcast.
41:05
[SPEAKER_02]: We were like, she knows it.
41:06
[SPEAKER_02]: If they're avoiding talking to me, that means they don't want to hang out with me, right?
41:10
[SPEAKER_02]: So you're like, that's what this is.
41:13
[SPEAKER_02]: Meanwhile, this girl just went through the most horrible tantrum with her two year old before she got here and then had her six year old throw up in the car.
41:23
[SPEAKER_02]: And then she started her period.
41:24
[SPEAKER_02]: And she don't want to be there at all.
41:26
[SPEAKER_02]: It has nothing to do with you.
41:28
[SPEAKER_02]: And that's why she might not want to talk to anyone or talk to you, or she might not want to do coffee, but not because of you, right?
41:36
[SPEAKER_02]: So I'm a big proponent of asking people questions.
41:40
[SPEAKER_02]: Hey, when this happened was, did you still want to do this?
41:43
[SPEAKER_02]: Or did you not want to do it?
41:44
[SPEAKER_02]: Like I just wanted to make sure, you know, and get that information.
41:47
[SPEAKER_02]: Ooh, I started to make this a bonus episode.
41:50
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay, I'm gonna share this.
41:53
[SPEAKER_02]: It might, I hope it does a room to buy a one of what I'm about to say.
41:56
[SPEAKER_02]: And by ruining the vibe, I may take away from the main point of what I'm talking about because I don't want us to, I want us to, even though I'm talking about friendships that are might be temporary in nature, my hope is that you're able to take
42:10
[SPEAKER_02]: I was of slant from this because I want you to know that even if a friendship or relationship is temporary, it doesn't mean that it wasn't good.
42:19
[SPEAKER_02]: It doesn't mean that it isn't still good if it still exists.
42:23
[SPEAKER_02]: If it's something that is not going to be as big and as deep as you wanted it to be, it doesn't mean that this still doesn't have value and that it would be working and besting in it when you have access to it.
42:33
[SPEAKER_02]: If you're just going to be my skating rake friend, then every time I see when we go skate on open
42:39
[SPEAKER_02]: overnight.
42:40
[SPEAKER_02]: Some Wednesdays now we're going to Kiki and laugh and you know drink our shaved ice drinks and then we're going to say goodbye at nine o'clock you know and I'm going to be okay with that because I'm alive and have the best time while I'm there right like I want this to be very positive but let's say
42:56
[SPEAKER_02]: You take that last point that I have, where I was like, okay, I'm really big about asking questions.
43:00
[SPEAKER_02]: Getting clarity is called checking the facts.
43:02
[SPEAKER_02]: Check the facts to see what you think is happening.
43:04
[SPEAKER_02]: It's actually happening.
43:05
[SPEAKER_02]: And there's a whole way to do it a way to do without being a accusatory, but just for simplicity, so it doesn't go too long.
43:11
[SPEAKER_02]: Just ask them, hey, when this happened, is this what was happening or tell me more, why were you, why did you call me back?
43:17
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, don't even pretend what you think happened.
43:19
[SPEAKER_02]: Just say, oh, why
43:21
[SPEAKER_02]: Without we were going to go hang out, what happens?
43:23
[SPEAKER_02]: Just ask the question.
43:25
[SPEAKER_02]: If there is ever a situation though where you're like, you decide to ask, how do I have done something that affends you?
43:33
[SPEAKER_02]: Is there something that you that I've done or something, you know, like you're asking that question, you need to be prepared to receive whatever answer is given.
43:44
[SPEAKER_02]: Because maybe you did it, huh?
43:46
[SPEAKER_02]: Maybe you did do something that was her full or offensive.
43:49
[SPEAKER_02]: And that doesn't mean that you're about person.
43:51
[SPEAKER_02]: It doesn't mean that this person doesn't like you or that is a great fool or that whatever else.
43:56
[SPEAKER_02]: But it could mean that there was something that was decided them and you asked for the feedback.
44:02
[SPEAKER_02]: And so now is up for you to take it and decide what you're going to do with it.
44:06
[SPEAKER_02]: You may take the feedback and be like,
44:08
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay, I see why she said that, but I don't think that this real and decide to not receive it.
44:13
[SPEAKER_02]: You could take it and be like, damn, wow, what's things?
44:16
[SPEAKER_02]: And at first, we were like, you know, forget her.
44:18
[SPEAKER_02]: But then after while you sit with it and you're like, okay, let me ask other people if they've ever had this experience or maybe I don't need to ask other people because I can kind of see where this is coming from.
44:29
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, it is kind of stung, but I'm gonna take it in.
44:31
[SPEAKER_02]: South Texas is new information that no one has told you before.
44:35
[SPEAKER_02]: And so there's not really any more for you to check it with, you know?
44:38
[SPEAKER_02]: And sometimes you ask someone that you thought was healthy and available, but they've been someone who actually was a lightie this whole time, and that's what's been going on.
44:48
[SPEAKER_02]: And so you gave them an end to tell you about yourselves, and they did when Niagara feelings are hurt.
44:53
[SPEAKER_02]: And so you gotta talk about what your therapist and your friends to get out all that negative energy like it could be any of those things.
44:59
[SPEAKER_02]: But the reason why so you need to be prepared to take it is because sometimes we ask questions to people expecting them to kind of be fluffy and to tell us nice things and to say no, everything's fine.
45:11
[SPEAKER_02]: Like it's a courtesy question.
45:12
[SPEAKER_02]: I've learned a long time ago to not ask questions that I do not want things to do.
45:16
[SPEAKER_02]: If I am not prepared for you to tell me something that isn't less than favorable, like if I'm not ready in my spirit to receive critical feedback, I'm not going to proactively ask for it.
45:28
[SPEAKER_02]: If I am ready for that kind of feedback, but I know I'm still feeling sensitive, I'm going to say, hey, was there something that I've done that offend you?
45:36
[SPEAKER_02]: And if so, please tell me, but just just know I'm a little bit sensitive.
45:42
[SPEAKER_02]: If you can't tell me in a tactful way, I said to me, Claire, I've said that to people who I'm very close friends with.
45:50
[SPEAKER_02]: Who now I can be sensitive.
45:51
[SPEAKER_02]: I don't go out to strangers being like, hey, if I did something that hurt your feelings, tell me, it would be nice to me when you tell me.
45:57
[SPEAKER_02]: That might not fit.
45:59
[SPEAKER_02]: But I hope you'll get what I'm saying.
46:01
[SPEAKER_02]: I've had a recent incident with someone who literally asked me, have I done something that offended you?
46:05
[SPEAKER_02]: That's me twice.
46:07
[SPEAKER_02]: And I try to go around because I'm like, y'all, is Mercury, retrograde.
46:11
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, when I have to say it might be a little bit sensitive, but I told them, and I, the thing that they told them was actually something that I feel like they needed help with because other things in their life, I just felt like they really weren't aware of it.
46:25
[SPEAKER_02]: But it struck a chord with them, and they felt like I was telling them that they're not good enough, and they weren't open to hearing me, like I apologize multiple times, and I was like, that's not what I meant, and this is what it's, and they like rushed away, and I'm like, you know,
46:40
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, you asked me, you asked me multiple times, even when I was trying to not say that to you, like you asked me.
46:49
[SPEAKER_02]: And something that I've also had to learn and then I'm learning is that I cannot be control of other people's responses as well.
46:56
[SPEAKER_02]: The only thing I can do is to be as open as I can when it comes to communicating things and sometimes we're just going to have to agree to disagree.
47:05
[SPEAKER_02]: Sometimes I can feel like my feedback is reasonable and they can feel like my feedback is
47:10
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes, and on call for and wrong and vice versa and that has to be okay and that's very hard for someone like me who is not only a recovering people please are but someone who was still still trying to learn how to believe that you can not get everybody in the world to like you.
47:29
[SPEAKER_02]: Like your girl is gonna be forty on December seven that haven't been talking about my birthday as late as much as I have in previous years on the podcast, but I'm about to be forty.
47:40
[SPEAKER_02]: And I'm still, there's a part of me that's still for some people in some relationships.
47:46
[SPEAKER_02]: The sticking point is like, how can I say this or for you to make sure that the relationship stays kosher?
47:53
[SPEAKER_02]: And for some folks in some places that's never, the weather's supposed to be kosher and is I'm gonna be kosher.
47:59
[SPEAKER_02]: When I hate that, because I want everything to be love and joy and rainbows with everybody, even if we're not shrines, I just don't want there to be beef.
48:06
[SPEAKER_02]: So that's still a hard pill for me to swallow.
48:09
[SPEAKER_02]: And once I figure out the magic cure to work through that, or maybe like the wisdom and the experience that happens when you're in your forties, where you just don't care, maybe maybe when midnight comes, I'll be like, ah, I figured it out.
48:23
[SPEAKER_02]: So let me grow and tell everybody else.
48:27
[SPEAKER_02]: Everybody else who's dope in the lounge who didn't come into this world and someone who's like, I couldn't give a care what people say.
48:33
[SPEAKER_02]: I love y'all.
48:35
[SPEAKER_02]: I've said that before the podcast.
48:36
[SPEAKER_02]: I just want to be around to you and like suck at that energy because I'm like, oh, really, you can think that way.
48:41
[SPEAKER_02]: You can feel that way.
48:43
[SPEAKER_02]: It's fully.
48:44
[SPEAKER_02]: Girl, please, please give me some of that.
48:47
[SPEAKER_02]: But anyways, that's today's episode, like I said, I hope they didn't take too much away from the main point.
48:54
[SPEAKER_02]: But yes, the friendship that you have, if you are still in relationship with someone who you might have bought it over one of these, potentially to bury things.
49:04
[SPEAKER_02]: You want it to build a deeper friendship with them.
49:06
[SPEAKER_02]: It has not taken off like you wanted it to, but when you are together is still fine, it's still lively, it's still supportive, it's still enriching.
49:15
[SPEAKER_02]: Use the friendship for what it is, you know, and be okay with that.
49:20
[SPEAKER_02]: And then if there ever is reciprocation on the other side, then great, allow it to grow.
49:26
[SPEAKER_02]: It's an answer to a prayer, right?
49:27
[SPEAKER_02]: Like this first that you already had this great foundation with, and now we can take a deeper.
49:32
[SPEAKER_02]: And for those of those people who it isn't going deeper that trying to make it work.
49:38
[SPEAKER_02]: Stop trying to make them tap in from my main girlfriends.
49:41
[SPEAKER_02]: Stop trying to push our relationship because then it's just going to get awkward.
49:46
[SPEAKER_02]: You're going to be resentful.
49:47
[SPEAKER_02]: They're going to be resentful that they really will stop responding to you and stop me and out with you during the amount of times that you did because
49:55
[SPEAKER_02]: There is pressure now, there is force.
49:57
[SPEAKER_02]: It's not as simple and organic and slimy as it was before, because maybe they see that you don't really match on some levels, even though you really want to, right?
50:06
[SPEAKER_02]: So, and that's okay.
50:08
[SPEAKER_02]: It is okay.
50:09
[SPEAKER_02]: So, that's it for today's episode.
50:11
[SPEAKER_02]: I can't wait for this book to come out of this episode.
50:14
[SPEAKER_02]: It's sponsored and inspired by the How to Pick Partners for Love at Expooke.
50:18
[SPEAKER_02]: Nice to see you on the show.
50:19
[SPEAKER_02]: You'll be able to get on Amazon by the time the episode comes out and may already be out or on his way out for anyone who has pre-order the book.
50:27
[SPEAKER_02]: Thank you so much.
50:29
[SPEAKER_02]: You can find that in case the book is not officially out yet.
50:34
[SPEAKER_02]: You can pre-order your book at blackrollskill.org slash books.
50:38
[SPEAKER_02]: You will get a signed copy of the book, how to pick partners is one of the books and the other book is the no contact book, which I have been writing and y'all that was going to be a beast that is the one that I'm like we made a how to pick partners book is already really extensive but the no contact book.
50:56
[SPEAKER_02]: y'all.
50:57
[SPEAKER_02]: Now I'm ready.
50:58
[SPEAKER_02]: If y'all liked the episodes that I put out on the no contact processes, but it's going to be like, you're going to sleep with it under your pillow.
51:05
[SPEAKER_02]: Like it is going to come with it.
51:07
[SPEAKER_02]: So I can't wait to get both of these books out for you.
51:11
[SPEAKER_02]: Right.
51:11
[SPEAKER_02]: That's it.
51:12
[SPEAKER_02]: See y'all later.
51:13
[SPEAKER_02]: As always, take care of yourselves and I'll see you in the next one.
51:17
[SPEAKER_02]: Thank you.