Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / Overcoming the Shame of Loving a Narcissist | Forgiving Your "Survival Self"

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Overcoming the Shame of Loving a Narcissist | Forgiving Your "Survival Self" · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  What is going on, beautiful folks?
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  Today we're talking about the shame that a lot of people feel
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  when they're inside of a toxic relationship dynamic with a
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  narcissistic person. The shame of going back.
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  The shame of not leaving. The shame of staying or keeping
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  the kids around. Toxicity.
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  So many people feel y'all? Of course, if you're new here,
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  my name is Lee Hammock. I'm a diagnosed narcissist, and
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  welcome to another episode of The Narcissist Cold.
• 0:28
  Let's get it. Oh, I'm back.
• 0:49
  Oh, hey, I didn't see you there. What's going on, folks?
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  When we're talking about Lee Hammock Live and whatnot, today
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  we're talking about the shame that people feel when you're
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  dealing with a narcissistic person.
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  Now, a lot of people talk about the shame that narcissists feel.
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  Like the narcissist is ashamed. The narcissist is this.
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  The narcissist is that narcissist are ashamed of
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  everything. Yeah, narcissistic people do
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  experience shame. But today we're not talking
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  about the narcissist. Today I'm talking about you,
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  you, you, you, you. There are so many people that
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  are dealing with a narcissist, right, that go back inside of
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  the toxic relationship with this person or they don't leave and
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  they also experience shame. This is like, you know, it's
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  kind of like, you know, you're not supposed to be there like
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  every atom in your body except for your heart knows that you're
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  not supposed to be there. Every single atom, every
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  electron, every proton, every neutron in your body know you're
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  not supposed to be dealing with this person except for your
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  heart. It's that y'all that pesky heart
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  get you caught up, don't it? That damn heart will get you
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  stuck. It will get you caught up.
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  It will get you feelings hurt. It will get you broken.
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  Now it gets your heart be getting in the way, don't you?
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  Sometimes you don't Somehow you wish you could just be like your
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  heart be just beating your heart be like go back into the Tyson
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  relationship and you like, no, I need to leave, go back into it.
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  No, I need to leave, go back. They'll change.
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  They'll be better. All right, heart.
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  I warned you. Now I have to take you out.
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  Don't you wish you just pull your heart out for a little
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  while and just let let yourself heal?
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  Don't you wish that somehow? I know a lot of people do, you
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  know, I know it sounds crazy, but some people do.
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  Because your heart will lead you down this path of despair and
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  that desperation and have you doing things that embarrass you.
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  Not only would these things embarrass you to yourself, these
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  things would embarrass you to everybody else.
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  Like you're embarrassed internally.
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  You experienced this shame internally and you hold it in.
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  Like I saw a video today of a woman like her boyfriend had
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  literally beat her ass, like blacked her eye and everything.
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  She went on TikTok and told everybody, showed everybody the
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  black eye posted this dude's picture showed who he was.
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  I think, I think she posted this picture showed who he was.
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  Like everybody knew who who did it like everybody got behind
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  her. Everybody supported her like
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  girls, stay strong. You out of it.
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  You got you deserve so much better.
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  This is a few months ago today I saw a live video where she went
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  back to that dude that blacked her eye and you can tell that
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  she's embarrassed. She on live like he he's smiling
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  like hell. He he's smiling he like and she
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  like and people on the in the chat are just like girl, why
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  would you go back to him? Why would you go back to her ass
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  beater? And she said, I love him.
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  You can see in her face that she was ashamed and people are
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  bashing her. Of course you know people like
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  you girl you stupid you dumb as hell he going to take your life
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  next time. I hate birds like you to
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  embarrass people like that online and then go back to him.
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  You a waste of breath and I tell people she got some shame in
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  her. Y'all think she just like I'm
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  happy with my decision? No she's ashamed of it but
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  shaming her will not get her to leave.
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  That's one thing I can promise you, right?
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  Shame tends to get people stuck. Shame tends to have people stuck
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  longer, have people stuck within that toxic relationship dynamic
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  way longer than what they need to be, way longer than what they
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  think they should be, right? Shame will have you in there
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  doing back flips and stuck doing front flips on all kinds of
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  flip. You just doing cartwheels, side
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  flips, kick flips, everything that shame will get you it it
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  eats away from the inside out. You know you're not supposed to
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  be here. And this is Yeah, when I'm doing
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  my one on ones or resuming whatnot, this is what people are
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  telling me. Lee, I know I'm not supposed to
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  be here. I don't want to be here.
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  But a part of me, just the part of me just keeps pulling back in
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  the the heart. Y'all see them in cartoons where
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  the heartbeat lever. But stop heart, heart.
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  I'm trying to leave. Nope.
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  Heart pull you right back in that damn thing, right?
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  Your heart pulls you right back in there.
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  You're trying to leave and get out of it, right?
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  And that's why I tell people, just like you're going to feel
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  the shame, There's shame everywhere.
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  There's shame of leaving. There's a shame of staying for
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  so long. There's a shame for having kids
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  with this person. There's a shame for not not
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  leaving when you first saw the red flags.
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  There's so much shame associated with dealing with this type of
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  person. So much of it too.
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  So much shame. Like enough shame to go around,
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  right? So that's why I'm telling people
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  you have to face the shame. You want to get out of it.
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  You have to face the shame. So many people hate, hate.
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  So many survivors I talked to hate hearing the words I told
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  you so from somebody else, from their, from their support
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  system. They hate hearing the words I
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  told you so. So sometimes the shame that you
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  have internally makes you want to prove people wrong.
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  I'm going to go back. I'm not going to leave this
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  abusive, toxic situation because if I leave, I'm proving you
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  right and that's going to embarrass me more.
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  I'm going to experience more shame.
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  And what happens when you have more shame?
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  It leads to you being isolated even more right Because you go
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  back into toxicity. You're ashamed.
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  Sometimes you don't even tell people.
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  Sometimes people have to find out in another way.
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  Sometimes you get so ashamed. Y'all don't mean people.
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  I've done one on ones with which like delete.
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  I'm just doing the one-on-one because there's nobody else I
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  could talk to. My friends hate my partner, My
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  friends hate my ex-wife, My friends hate my husband, my
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  friends hate my girlfriend. If I told them I was going back
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  they would cut me off and then I'll be more isolated.
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  And who does that benefit? They're narcissists right?
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  That benefits them greatly, doesn't it?
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  But that's how it goes. You see what I'm saying?
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  She said, I don't care how foolish I look, as long as I can
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  live for Yeah, it's going to happen.
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  Y'all, You got to battle that right there.
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  You have to battle that said pull the grenade and plug that
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  grenade back. And how he's oh, stay in his
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  Mama. He's 49.
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  Yeah, that's right there. He's just like so many people
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  who said, Angela said so many people live with the shame
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  instead of leaving the abusers. Yeah, of course you got to be
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  careful when you leave. Yeah, of course.
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  Leaving can be, can be and is the most dangerous time
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  sometimes, right. Well, most times when you leave
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  the times relationship dynamic, abusive relationship, they they
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  can try to take your life. A lot of them wills, a lot of
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  them wills try to send you to meet your maker, right.
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  And that's how it goes right here.
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  And Bianca, is it Blanca or Bianca?
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  I ain't got my glasses on and hearing that how Someone Like
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  You ever with him. Oh yeah, I hear that all the
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  time like I see that all the time like the girl like one
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  woman today. Y'all might have saw this video
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  on my other channel my on my my reaction account where she like
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  smart, educated, beautiful woman and her boyfriend the duty she
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  got babies by hood drug dealer ass beater just abusive.
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  Just his vernacular is just all fucked up.
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  He can't even talk straight and they're like, girl, how you this
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  high-powered, whatever you got going on and you with this, this
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  literally this hood booger. And she was just like I was, we
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  met when we were kids and I'm just, we had a kid with him and
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  now I'm just ashamed. It's ashamed, man.
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  I'm telling you, it's going to get you caught up.
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  You got to you want to leave a narcissistic relationship.
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  You want to sometimes you have to break free because just like
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  Tamara said, that shame will keep you in a mental prison and
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  that mental prison will keep you in a physical prison of the
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  toxic relationship dynamic. You don't want to leave.
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  That shame keeps you absolutely right where you are, stuck and
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  not able to go anywhere. Because now you're ashamed,
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  right? You, you got to face it.
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  You got to battle it. Lee, I'm so ashamed that I kept
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  my kids in this relationship for five years.
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  I don't know what to do. I thought you got you going.
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  You'll be more ashamed if you keep them in it for five more.
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  How does that sound? You be more ashamed the longer
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  you stay in it. Now that you what?
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  Now that you waking up to the shame and you understand that
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  you're feeling shame. Now you can battle it.
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  Now you can have a good fight with Now you can push forward
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  and press forward through it. This is why it goes on right
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  here. That's why you got to power up.
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  You were right in the position, man.
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  Like I tell somebody, you're so close to leaving, you're so
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  close to escaping. You're so close to setting
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  yourself free. That's why you have to go.
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  Go ahead and push through. I promise.
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  Pushing through is worth it. Battling the shame is worth it.
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  You ever see those movies? We see the like the heroes
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  running, the heroes running from the monster the whole movie,
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  like the heroes, like the monster is going to get me.
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  And then they did a like something cinematic happens and
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  then the hero stops running and there's like a movie that plays
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  in his head and they just turn around and face the monster head
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  on. They're like, you know what?
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  I'm tired of running and they look back at the, they look back
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  at the monster and they pull out a sword.
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  They're like, I'm not scared anymore.
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  And they start running towards the monster.
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  That's what you have to do. They accept this monster is real
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  and it's called shame. You have to fight it and battle
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  through you. The more you run away from it,
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  the more thing, the more shameful things you'll start
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  doing. That's why I call it, that's why
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  I call it a shame spiral. Once you do 1 shameful thing,
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  you'll keep doing more shameful things, right?
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  The more shameful things you do, you'll be embarrassed.
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  You don't want to talk. You don't want to do anything
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  else. Like shame will keep you stuck.
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  Shame, you got to turn around. You got to turn around and fight
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  that monster. I'm tired of running.
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  You're going to have to kill me and then they go fight the
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  monster. That's what that's what you have
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  to do with the job. Like that's what you have to
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  battle. It's going to be a battle.
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  It's going to be a bloodbath. But you can win an emotional
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  bloodbath. You don't want to be a physical
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  bloodbath. I'm serious.
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  The emotional bloodbath, not necessarily physical ones.
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  So the shame comes from how they wore you down.
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  No boundaries left and become a sheltier, so on.
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  And so my shame was deeply tied to what the church will say.
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  Yep. There you go.
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  Sometimes it's religious shame. That's a good.
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  That's a good point right there. Religious shame is absolutely
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  real, right there. They're religious shame.
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  They'll shame you understand? They'll shame you understand.
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  In an abusive relationship. Be like Pastor Fred.
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  My partner tried to kill me last night, and my husband, my my my
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  spouse tried to kill me last night.
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  Yeah. I got to lead this relationship.
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  I got to get out of here. Now look, I know you, I see you
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  bleeding right now. You bleed you actually, you
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  actually bleed in the church. Try to try not to bleed in the
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  church. We got to get we, you know we
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  take y'all chameleon money and we clean how they have these
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  floors clean. How to get you got to give an
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  extra donation as we have these floors clean.
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  But before you do that, just know that God hates you.
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  What God hates divorce. So if you leave no matter what,
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  you are shaming God. Stop believe so you still got
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  blood on the floor, but stop shaming God.
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  You got to do that. That's the type of stuff that
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  will happen right there. That's type of stuff that
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  started happening. The religious part.
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  They will do that type of stuff like they'll have you if you
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  leave, you leave your marriage. You got to leave the church.
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  You can't have no single heat dens in here.
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  You know, all these with all these lustful men in here in
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  this church. You can't leave your husband,
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  all these lustful men and you got your, you all curvaceous,
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  you kind of thick. Damn.
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  Oh, sorry, pastor, you see what I'm saying?
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  They're sorry. They'll start doing that right
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  there. The religious shame.
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  Religious part with the divorce. Yep, absolutely.
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  You don't want to bleed in the church.
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  The literal proof they haven't read the Bible.
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  Yeah, the pastor hasn't read the Bible.
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  That's crazy. But that's a part of right
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  there, there, y'all? This is what you have.
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  You have to face the shame. And sometimes facing the shame
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  does require you to get in a group of be around a group of
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  people. They can help you face it
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  together, right? Yeah, I do run a support group
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  called the Mental Healers that I don't know if I got any mental
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  healers and I have a support group called the Mental Healers,
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  right? Y'all can find the Mental
• 13:21
  healers. You can find it at
• 13:23
  mentalillness.net, right? Join the mental illness support
• 13:27
  group. There's a lot of people in that
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  group that you can talk to, become friends with direct
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  message. It's all private.
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  It's a private community. Private.
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  They ain't all their private, private, private.
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  Everybody in there is friendly. Everybody's in there has been
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  through some type of toxic relationship dynamic.
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  Everybody's in there trying to survive, and survival is what's
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  important. Y'all Like, seriously?
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  Is that mental illness.net divorce is biblically accepted
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  if there's infidelity. Yeah.
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  I mean, I'm, I'm, I if they cheat, if they beat, if they do
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  a whole bunch of bullshit, you should be able to leave your
• 14:00
  marriage. Anyway, Like I said, that's why
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  I like the religious stuff. I understand religion, but don't
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  let your religion tie you down to an abusive relationship like
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  God. I don't think God wants you to
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  be abused. He's a great group.
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  What's up? Yeah, I appreciate it.
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  Thanks. The Mental Healers is available
• 14:12
  at mentalhealers.net. What's going on, Stacey?
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  How you doing? Maybe Joe, I got to hop off this
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  thing. I'll be live again tomorrow for
• 14:21
  Thanksgiving. I'm doing a Thanksgiving live
• 14:23
  Q&A tomorrow. Same narc time, same narc place.
• 14:28
  But like I said, mental illness.net for all things Lee
• 14:31
  Hammock, my courses, my coaching, every single thing is
• 14:34
  at mentalillness.net. I can find everything there.
• 14:37
  You want to take take one of my courses.
• 14:39
  It's 50% off if you enter the code Mothers and or mothers or
• 14:44
  fathers for 50% of y'all. I love y'all.
• 14:47
  Happy Thanksgiving. I'm grateful for every single
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  one of y'all. Be safe, take care of yourselves
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  and take care of each other and we'll be out peace this
• 14:55
  Thanksgiving. Special.