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Expect the Expected: Managing Disappointment (Mini) · No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: I'm Mary Rothwell, and today's mini-episode is a little pocket of insight to carry with you into your day If you're new here.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: This podcast is all about what it truly means for women to take up their space mind, body and spirit.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: After more than three decades in the mental health field and plenty of my own lived experience, I've seen how women are often told, subtly or directly, to stay in their lane, to be agreeable, accommodating and small.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: But here's the truth you were never meant to live inside those guardrails.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: I believe we know who we are and what we want somewhere inside.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: I think we've just forgotten or it's gotten covered up by other people's expectations.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: In these short episodes, I'll offer bite-sized reflections on the themes we explore in longer conversations things like sleep boundaries, nourishment, relationships, overcoming really hard things and actually what we can learn from plants, because y'all know and actually what we can learn from plants because y'all know, if you've listened to anything that I've said or written, that I love plants.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: So, whether you're walking the dog, sipping your morning tea or just taking a quiet moment in the car, this is your time to grow your mind and take up your space.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: Okay, so I'm going to talk to you today about expecting the expected.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: Okay, so I'm going to talk to you today about expecting the expected.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: I think we all have those relationships with someone in our life where we feel like they aren't showing up, like we're showing up, and sometimes it's been a lifetime of disappointment.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to give you a little example from a client that I worked with and she was talking to me about her mom and I had known we'd worked together for several months.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: I knew a little about her mom and she was talking about having a really great accomplishment that happened to her.
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: She achieved something really cool and the first person she wanted to tell was her mom, which makes sense.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: So she called her mom and she told her and within about 45 seconds, her mom turned the conversation around to her life and what was wrong and what was going on.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: And so, as this client was talking to me about this, you know how upset she was and why can't my mom just be there for me and hear me and celebrate my achievements?
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: And I said to her well, doesn't your mom always do this?
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: Now, I don't like the word always, but this mom's pretty consistent and she said to me yeah, she does.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: I said so and she is actually the one that said I should expect the expected and I said yeah, and we joked about making that into a bumper sticker.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: But I think the thing was that she had this idea of who her mom should be or what a mom should be, and she kept wanting this relationship and wanting her mom to be this person and I think we all have some of these people her mom to be this person, and I think we all have some of these people.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: I think there are times where we've invested in something and maybe we do this over and over again and we think it's going to be different.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: So it might be somebody that doesn't plan time with us like we plan time with them, or they might cancel, often at the last minute, and when it happens we feel that same disappointment or even hurt, but they always do it, or they do it most of the time.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: So I think when you're in a situation like this, deciding how you want to show up going forward, you might decide you're going to keep doing it and sometimes with a child, that we might decide to do that.
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: That doesn't mean it's the best choice for your mental health, but you can decide how you want to proceed.
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: The thing to be careful about is doing something with the intent to change the other person's behavior.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: So sometimes the silent treatment.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: We do that and we think it's going to change somebody else's behavior.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: So when you're thinking about these relationships, think about how you might want to show up differently and that might mean that you lean away instead of leaning in.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: It may mean that if it's truly unhealthy or to the level of toxic, you might decide you don't want to invest anything in that relationship anymore.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: There's a whole continuum.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: But I think the first step is really just deciding if this is a situation where you are being shown consistently who this person is and remember it's not always something that is done to hurt you intentionally.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: We do what we need to do to meet our own needs.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: So that person maybe has other needs that they're prioritizing.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: They likely do so.
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: It's not personal, but I think expect the expected and look at behavior through a very clear lens and then you decide what you need to do going forward for yourself.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: Thanks for joining me in today's shorty episode.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: If you have comments, I would love to hear them.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: You can text me individually at the link in the show notes and stay tuned next week for my next short episode.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: Thank you.