Latest / Momentum Sessions / Your Athletes Believe What They See, Not What You Say | Kerry Castillo

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Your Athletes Believe What They See, Not What You Say | Kerry Castillo · Momentum Sessions

0:02
SPEAKER_02: It's really easy to go.
0:04
SPEAKER_02: It's okay to make mistakes, guys.
0:05
SPEAKER_02: It's okay to fail.
0:07
SPEAKER_02: And then as soon as they turn a pass over or miss a tackle, and they're looking to us for a response.
0:13
SPEAKER_02: And if our body language is off from what we say, I like to refer to that as a say due gap.
0:19
SPEAKER_02: We got to close our say do gaps.
0:23
SPEAKER_01: Very excited today to have Carrie Castillo with us.
0:27
SPEAKER_01: He is a high school coach at Bentonville West.
0:30
SPEAKER_01: He's also a 2022 United Soccer Coaches, National Coach of the Year finalist.
0:35
SPEAKER_01: He's an English teacher and also founder of Play Beautiful.
0:39
SPEAKER_01: Carrie is really passionate about building cultures of commitment, pride, and resilience.
0:44
SPEAKER_01: And today we're going to dive into really asking yourself the hard questions that we all must ask ourselves to become true ambassadors of our programs.
0:53
SPEAKER_01: Carrie, thanks so much for your time today.
0:55
SPEAKER_01: To get started, you emphasize this self-re uh reflection kind of piece as a key to leadership.
1:01
SPEAKER_01: Why is asking the hard questions to yourself so important?
1:05
SPEAKER_02: Because culture starts with us.
1:07
SPEAKER_02: Everything rises and falls on leadership.
1:10
SPEAKER_02: And, you know, for the coaches that are in this community, obviously culture is important to them.
1:14
SPEAKER_02: And Matt, I know it's dear to your heart, and you know, that word gets thrown around so much.
1:18
SPEAKER_02: But for those of us that do take it seriously, it has to start with us.
1:22
SPEAKER_02: Because if we are not approaching our team and everything we do for them and with them with a heart posture that is built on what is really within us, then they'll figure it out really fast.
1:35
SPEAKER_02: They pick up on impostors real fast.
1:37
SPEAKER_02: And so we can't we can't approach things that we ask them to do.
1:41
SPEAKER_02: If we're not willing to do the very same things or and even harder things, that is, ourselves.
1:46
SPEAKER_01: What changes in your daily behavior as a coach when you truly take the time to reflect, do you think?
1:54
SPEAKER_02: A lot of reflection, just a lot of um deep thought about every conversation that we have.
2:00
SPEAKER_02: You know, one of the one of the questions in the workbook that that we're going to share with everybody at the end is um, do you assume or ask?
2:09
SPEAKER_02: And how often do you assume or ask?
2:12
SPEAKER_02: You know, it's it's really easy, especially for those of you that are in the classroom.
2:16
SPEAKER_02: You know, we we go about the rat race all day long.
2:19
SPEAKER_02: And then we get to our kids and we go into a practice and the things that they wear uh on the in their body language and in their and then emotionally, and the things they bring into the session with them, regardless of what sport it may be, they're gonna manifest themselves in different ways.
2:36
SPEAKER_02: And so if I if I come in with a a posture and an awareness that is not ready to ask questions and find out how I can support that kid, then I'm going to miss how I can best be an ambassador of the culture and then help the kids that I'm leading.
2:57
SPEAKER_02: And then I'm gonna miss opportunities for myself to learn more about them, build a connection.
3:03
SPEAKER_02: And you have to go in, be intentional every day about the thought processes you take with you into every single environment.
3:12
SPEAKER_02: You know, it's both metaphorical and literal.
3:14
SPEAKER_02: When you walk into a door, you've got to turn on your awareness, right?
3:19
SPEAKER_02: We ask the kids to do that when they go into to practice, be aware of their surroundings, regardless of the sport.
3:24
SPEAKER_02: And so we have to do the same thing.
3:26
SPEAKER_02: And that takes a lot of intentional thought and action.
3:29
SPEAKER_01: And Carrie, you mentioned earlier right at the start that your students and athletes they can smell out an imposter when they see one.
3:37
SPEAKER_01: How do athletes know when a coach maybe has, you know, quote unquote done the work?
3:40
SPEAKER_01: What kind of maybe looks different or what kind of shows up differently?
3:44
SPEAKER_02: The sincerity that you have.
3:46
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, they can see it in your body language.
3:48
SPEAKER_02: You know, it's really easy to go, it's okay to make mistakes, guys.
3:51
SPEAKER_02: It's okay to fail.
3:52
SPEAKER_02: And then as soon as they turn a pass over or miss a tackle, and they're looking to us for a response.
3:58
SPEAKER_02: And if our body language is off from what we say, I like to refer to that as a say do gap.
4:04
SPEAKER_02: We we got to close our say due gaps so that exactly what we say is what they're seeing.
4:10
SPEAKER_02: And so, yeah, that they can those things alert them right there.
4:13
SPEAKER_02: They're like, oh yeah, man, this guy, he's full of it.
4:16
SPEAKER_01: I love that.
4:17
SPEAKER_01: Is that a uh southern way, a say do gap?
4:20
SPEAKER_01: A say do gap.
4:21
SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
4:21
SPEAKER_01: It might be.
4:23
SPEAKER_02: It might be.
4:24
SPEAKER_01: All right, so let's get into some questions then.
4:26
SPEAKER_01: We're gonna, as you said, we got a cool workbook that we'll share later.
4:29
SPEAKER_01: If you're watching the replay, it'll already be in the post.
4:31
SPEAKER_01: But what are maybe a couple essential questions you think we should be asking ourselves continually or on a in a pretty good rhythm?
4:39
SPEAKER_02: I'm glad you asked that.
4:40
SPEAKER_02: I actually made a list before, and these things are uh uh actually in the workbook, but these are things that I definitely start with myself at the end of every season, the immediate day after, regardless of where we finish, and that may be the championship game, the semifinals.
4:55
SPEAKER_02: Thank goodness it hasn't been the day we didn't make the playoffs, but um the all these things that I ask myself so that I can put together a growth plan for myself are based off of the same things all the time: love, empathy, trust, humility, integrity, and service.
5:12
SPEAKER_02: And so I made a list of some of these questions that and so I'll start with integrity.
5:17
SPEAKER_02: That one is really big for me, and it's really big for kids because if we don't exemplify, like I said, the things that we say, if we don't do those things, exemplify them, then for for them in their eyes, we've lost our integrity.
5:32
SPEAKER_02: Okay, and so um with for integrity, I wrote down here where do you bend your standards when pressure hits?
5:42
SPEAKER_02: We all do it.
5:43
SPEAKER_02: We all do it.
5:44
SPEAKER_02: Every one of us has an answer to that question, right?
5:47
SPEAKER_02: And that's okay.
5:48
SPEAKER_02: That's part of being vulnerable.
5:49
SPEAKER_02: And that's that's another prerequisite, if you will, to really asking yourself hard questions is you've got to be vulnerable enough to receive your own feedback.
5:57
SPEAKER_02: And if you really want to test this and how good you are at receiving feedback, ask someone else.
6:05
SPEAKER_02: Like maybe a kid.
6:06
SPEAKER_02: You know, I actually like to do that in my practice sessions, whatever cultural uh aspect we're talking about.
6:12
SPEAKER_02: I'll be vulnerable and start the day off.
6:14
SPEAKER_02: If I'm gonna ask them a hard question, then I'm gonna ask it of myself and answer it in front of them.
6:19
SPEAKER_02: And then they know, hey, if coach is willing to look at the ugly side of his actions and his thoughts and words, then I can do the same.
6:28
SPEAKER_02: So, yeah, for integrity, I'd say where do we bend standards?
6:32
SPEAKER_01: Can I interrupt, Carrie, when you've asked that question to your athletes?
6:35
SPEAKER_01: Any um interesting scenarios that have out or any breakthroughs for you personally, maybe?
6:41
SPEAKER_02: Oh, absolutely.
6:42
SPEAKER_02: I just this week, actually, we were talking about with my team this week, we were talking about being your best.
6:46
SPEAKER_02: That's one of our four.
6:48
SPEAKER_02: We have four main standards, and that's uh be your best, be accountable, cheer for each other, and get there first.
6:54
SPEAKER_02: And so this week we're focusing on being our best.
6:57
SPEAKER_02: And so I asked them, hey, this week, where has me being my best not shown up?
7:04
SPEAKER_02: What has that looked like?
7:05
SPEAKER_02: And a couple of them said, you know, a couple days you came in and your body language wasn't great, and we could tell you were frustrated.
7:11
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, Hey, you know what?
7:12
SPEAKER_02: You got me.
7:13
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I had a couple days this week that tested my uh emotional resolve, if you will.
7:18
SPEAKER_02: And so, but when they said that, I was like, hey, I'm gonna fix that right now.
7:22
SPEAKER_02: You know, before we go any further into the session, I'm gonna fix that because it's not your fault, that's not anything you've done, and so we're gonna find joy today with each other.
7:30
SPEAKER_02: So absolutely, yeah.
7:31
SPEAKER_01: Well, that's so powerful.
7:32
SPEAKER_01: It's a two-way path in that way.
7:34
SPEAKER_02: So you that's exactly right, yeah.
7:36
SPEAKER_02: But they're more comfortable then opening the door for me to ask them harder questions because they know, hey, if I'm gonna be open to it, right?
7:43
SPEAKER_02: Coach is 48 and he's letting 17-year-olds, you know, show him what's holding him back, and we can let go of the reins a little bit and have him do the same thing.
7:54
SPEAKER_01: Okay, so let's get back.
7:55
SPEAKER_01: So you've got it sounds like you picked values, uh, is that right?
7:59
SPEAKER_01: So you've you picked out four values, and then now you're absolutely questions relating to those values, each one of them.
8:05
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely, yeah, a thousand percent.
8:06
SPEAKER_02: And so that's another prerequisite of self-growth, in my opinion.
8:11
SPEAKER_02: Now, this is all my opinion, but is if we have to attach our why to our values and begin to ask questions based on those things.
8:20
SPEAKER_02: If we really want to ask ourselves hard questions and reflect on those things and grow from it and be better from it, that's just a better person, husband, father, wife, mother, whatever it is, coach, then we have to attach those values to our why.
8:34
SPEAKER_02: Why are we coaching?
8:36
SPEAKER_02: Why are we leaders?
8:38
SPEAKER_02: And so, yeah, for me, I absolutely have to attach those things to values that I hold dear, right?
8:43
SPEAKER_02: And this is a this is a yearly process that I take myself through.
8:47
SPEAKER_02: And I thought, you know what?
8:48
SPEAKER_02: It's it's powerful for me because it makes me be better.
8:52
SPEAKER_02: And so I'll create a workbook that I can share with coaches because we all need to do this.
8:57
SPEAKER_02: For empathy, this is the one I chose.
8:59
SPEAKER_02: How often do you assume rather than ask?
9:01
SPEAKER_02: And I brought that up earlier, right?
9:03
SPEAKER_02: Because if we were really empathetic, if we really want to connect uh with the people that we lead, now this is regardless of whether this is a business or a team, and I think we're all coaches here, but regardless of who we're leading, if we're really not trying to find out how we can best connect with someone and develop the relationship that we have with them, we have to ask questions rather than make assumptions.
9:25
SPEAKER_02: It's too easy to assume that because the one of our players is not running through the line or going half hazard into a tackle or just halfway doing something, it's too easy to assume all they're just being lazy.
9:38
SPEAKER_02: You know, I had a player just a couple weeks ago just really having a bad attitude with some of her teammates.
9:46
SPEAKER_02: And so the other coaches were beside themselves.
9:48
SPEAKER_02: I was out with the flu.
9:49
SPEAKER_02: And so they were telling me all these things.
9:51
SPEAKER_02: I came back, and as soon as she walked in the room, now, granted, I didn't have the flu anymore, I walked up and I hugged her.
9:57
SPEAKER_02: And I said, Hey, you're worried about the season coming up, aren't you?
10:00
SPEAKER_02: Because she wants to play college soccer.
10:02
SPEAKER_02: She's worried about the pressure of the season coming up.
10:04
SPEAKER_02: Is she going to get a scholarship this year?
10:06
SPEAKER_02: And the kid just starts breaking down, you know.
10:09
SPEAKER_02: But I've I've spent the time, being in my staff is new this year, but I've spent time with her over the last three years growing empathetic to her family life, what she wants out of herself, what she wants out of school, what she wants out of soccer.
10:24
SPEAKER_02: And so I knew, right?
10:25
SPEAKER_02: I knew I didn't make an assumption, I knew because I'd spent the time doing that.
10:30
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
10:30
SPEAKER_02: Um, would you like for me to go on?
10:32
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, for sure.
10:33
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, humility.
10:34
SPEAKER_02: Uh humility.
10:36
SPEAKER_02: How do I respond when I'm wrong?
10:37
SPEAKER_02: Woo! We hey, we all get something wrong every single day, right?
10:42
SPEAKER_02: This is another part of that being vulnerable.
10:44
SPEAKER_02: Um for me, I put I get my seniors together at the end of every year, and we start with the most recent gain, and I ask them, what did I get wrong today or that day?
10:59
SPEAKER_02: And I just let them go.
11:00
SPEAKER_02: They're seniors, and they're gonna feel more comfortable talking to me than the underclassmen will, as far, especially as far as the things that I've done that that need to be fixed or need to be better.
11:12
SPEAKER_02: And we start there and then we work our way backward all the way to the beginning of the season.
11:16
SPEAKER_02: So I get a list of things from these people that I've spent four years with, hopefully, gaining their trust and and vice versa.
11:25
SPEAKER_02: And so I know that that I can take that and I've got to be really humble, though, because the list might be long.
11:33
SPEAKER_02: Hopefully it's not, right?
11:35
SPEAKER_02: But if it is, great, then I've got some room to grow.
11:38
SPEAKER_02: Uh, love, this is a big one.
11:40
SPEAKER_02: Do my athletes know I care beyond performance?
11:43
SPEAKER_02: I mean, really, coaches, when is you know, and I'm asking, I'm not, I'm not blaming here, no shame here.
11:48
SPEAKER_02: This is just a a question, but how often do we really communicate care over concern for performance?
11:57
SPEAKER_02: The kids want it every day.
11:59
SPEAKER_02: That's just the the student athlete that we lead nowadays.
12:03
SPEAKER_02: That's their their everything about them needs to receive validation.
12:08
SPEAKER_02: It's you can see it in the way social media interacts with them.
12:11
SPEAKER_02: They want the same thing from people, you know, from a real person.
12:16
SPEAKER_02: They need validation and they need to know that they're seen, heard, and loved.
12:19
SPEAKER_02: And so that how many times do we do that in a given day?
12:24
SPEAKER_02: Right.
12:24
SPEAKER_02: And so uh within my team, the way I ensure that that's taken care of is at the beginning of practice, we the coaching staff and I we go around and we speak to as many players as we can and we make a physical contact with as many of them as we can, and then we all circle up and group hug.
12:41
SPEAKER_02: I know that sounds like what we're gonna do next in kumbaya, but hey, it matters.
12:45
SPEAKER_02: It matters to them, so it's gotta matter to us, and it's big for them.
12:49
SPEAKER_02: They may have spent, you know, who knows what they went home to the day before, and who knows what they've experienced during the day, the day of at school.
12:57
SPEAKER_02: We may be the only person that tells them that day that we've that we care about them.
13:01
SPEAKER_02: And so we gotta make sure that we do that.
13:03
SPEAKER_02: Trust.
13:04
SPEAKER_02: Do I have a say do gap?
13:06
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna go back to my say do gap, Matt.
13:08
SPEAKER_02: But hey, that's that's a matter of trust.
13:10
SPEAKER_02: If if players see us doing the opposite of what we say we're gonna do, then we can't they can't trust us.
13:17
SPEAKER_02: Hey, well, we really can't trust ourselves either, right?
13:20
SPEAKER_02: Uh service.
13:21
SPEAKER_02: What example of service do I set?
13:23
SPEAKER_02: Not say.
13:25
SPEAKER_02: Set.
13:26
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
13:26
SPEAKER_02: So we have to exemplify those things.
13:28
SPEAKER_02: In my team, we have a saying it's uh it's hard to throw stones when you're busy washing feet.
13:32
SPEAKER_02: So that means that for every critical comment that comes out of your mouth, you better follow up with two or three affirmations.
13:39
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
13:40
SPEAKER_02: So we're gonna wash feet through serving each other in our words and actions.
13:43
SPEAKER_02: So yeah, that's just uh you know, a question for each of those core values that I have as a person.
13:49
SPEAKER_02: Uh, many of those.
13:50
SPEAKER_02: I gave my players the option to adopt some of those or to deviate from those if they wanted.
13:55
SPEAKER_02: And we came up with some of our own, and that's how I came up with those standards that I mentioned to you just a few minutes ago.
14:01
SPEAKER_02: Get their first, be your best, be accountable, and cheer for each other.
14:04
SPEAKER_02: You know, love, love, empathy, trust, and service.
14:07
SPEAKER_02: It's all embedded in there.
14:10
SPEAKER_01: Was there a question that you maybe personally resisted at some point that you really didn't want to truthfully get to the bottom of or truly?
14:18
SPEAKER_02: How do I respond when I'm wrong?
14:21
SPEAKER_02: That's a tough one.
14:23
SPEAKER_02: It is, you know, um, we lost in the semifinals last year, and uh I made a few choices tactically and in our subbing personnel-wise.
14:35
SPEAKER_02: But I, you know, after the game, after the facts, you know, I'm thinking back on things that maybe I should have played someone else or taken a different approach defensively, or you know, but then I had to ask myself the real questions, how did I respond on the sideline when things weren't going our way?
14:53
SPEAKER_02: You know, I had to really look at the the big picture items.
14:56
SPEAKER_02: You know, when we were losing two to zero, how did I respond when we gave up a goal?
15:03
SPEAKER_02: Was I encouraging or was I quiet?
15:06
SPEAKER_02: Because quiet speaks volumes.
15:09
SPEAKER_02: And so I uh that for me was where I started addressing these kinds of things with myself for this next season.
15:19
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
15:20
SPEAKER_02: And so what was the answer that you came to for that question about how you respond when you the answer I came up with is you know, if one of our standards is to cheer for each other, I'm doing a really poor job of it.
15:33
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I've got to be cheering for those kids even when we're losing.
15:37
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and you know, so we scored a goal, um, and I ran up and down the sideline high fiving everybody, and then we were down two to zero, and there's five minutes left, and I was looking at the clock, looking at us play.
15:52
SPEAKER_02: We're struggling to the girls had already, the kids on the team, they had already, you know, succumbed to the fact that we just weren't having a great day and that we were probably gonna lose this game and our season was gonna be over.
16:05
SPEAKER_02: And I allowed myself to buy into that thought process as well, instead of what are we doing right now?
16:12
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
16:13
SPEAKER_02: It was a tough pill to swallow, but it had to be done.
16:16
SPEAKER_01: Is there a question you think a coach can ask themselves that can protect themselves against from like burnout?
16:23
SPEAKER_02: I'm so glad you asked that.
16:24
SPEAKER_02: You know what?
16:24
SPEAKER_02: I did a podcast last night with uh coach Kurt Hines out in San Diego, California, and I asked him a very parallel question, and his answer resonated with me, and I'm gonna steal it, man.
16:37
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna steal it.
16:37
SPEAKER_02: Go for it.
16:38
SPEAKER_02: Who am I impacting right now?
16:40
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
16:41
SPEAKER_02: If we're gonna ask ourselves uh if there was a question that was most important, it's gotta be that.
16:46
SPEAKER_02: Whether it's at the beginning of practice, the middle of practice, the middle of the year, the playoffs, the state championship game, or or tryouts, who am I impacting right now?
16:54
SPEAKER_02: That's gotta be the most important thing we ask ourselves.
16:57
SPEAKER_01: And what about when we're winning?
16:59
SPEAKER_01: You your program has had a lot of success over the last several years.
17:03
SPEAKER_01: What's a good question to keep kind of yourself grounded and still back to that impact that you're talking about?
17:09
SPEAKER_02: Am I setting them up to win when they leave here?
17:13
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
17:13
SPEAKER_02: That's the my mantra at Play Beautiful is built inside the lines to win outside of them.
17:18
SPEAKER_02: So yeah, the the score on the scoreboard when it's going your way, that's that's real fun.
17:23
SPEAKER_02: But am I setting the people I lead?
17:26
SPEAKER_02: Am I setting them up?
17:27
SPEAKER_02: That's coaching staff, players, everyone I interact with, am I setting them up to win when they leave here?
17:35
SPEAKER_01: And what about a co uh question that we can ask ourselves to assess if our leadership is aligning with our program's cultural goals?
17:43
SPEAKER_01: Say that question one more time.
17:45
SPEAKER_01: I want to make sure I do it justice.
17:47
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that your leadership is aligning with your program's culture goals.
17:52
SPEAKER_02: Oh my goodness.
17:54
SPEAKER_02: Because you've got to go back to values.
17:56
SPEAKER_02: Because and there it is, just came up with it.
18:00
SPEAKER_02: Am I living these out?
18:01
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
18:02
SPEAKER_02: Am I living out my values?
18:03
SPEAKER_02: Or are they just something that looks good on a t-shirt?
18:06
SPEAKER_02: Because if we're not living them out, the kids can see that too.
18:09
SPEAKER_02: Right?
18:09
SPEAKER_02: I mean, they're just like with the the cheer for each other.
18:13
SPEAKER_02: That was one of the things the seniors like uh that exited last year.
18:17
SPEAKER_02: You're too quiet when we're when we're losing.
18:19
SPEAKER_02: We need you.
18:21
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
18:22
SPEAKER_02: Message heard loud and clear.
18:24
SPEAKER_02: Not living out that value.
18:25
SPEAKER_02: I wasn't serving.
18:26
SPEAKER_02: I wasn't washing feet.
18:27
SPEAKER_02: I wasn't cheering for the kids that I'm that I'm leading in the moment that they needed it the most, right?
18:32
SPEAKER_02: Or we're gonna win the game if I cheered louder, no, but that's what they needed.
18:36
SPEAKER_01: And to know if we're living out our values, we also have to define some of the behaviors that are related to those values, correct?
18:43
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
18:44
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
18:44
SPEAKER_02: That's the whole thing is behaviors are just the way you live them out.
18:48
SPEAKER_02: They're your actions as a result.
18:49
SPEAKER_02: And I I made a note here when you when we go through this process and you ask yourself these questions, the first step is easy, is just to reflect.
18:57
SPEAKER_02: Ask yourself the question and reflect.
18:59
SPEAKER_02: But then uh how do you make that concrete, right?
19:03
SPEAKER_02: So for me, uh, it's in the newsletter that I release every week.
19:07
SPEAKER_02: That's the way I journal through the things that I need to be more grounded in and I need to stay true to.
19:13
SPEAKER_02: And then we have to affirm them, right?
19:16
SPEAKER_02: We have to, we can't just it can't just be something that we say, it has to be something that we believe.
19:20
SPEAKER_02: And so for me, that uh that's always through my prayer life.
19:23
SPEAKER_02: That's how I affirm those things where I want to be better, and then we have to act.
19:28
SPEAKER_02: They have to be, they have to be the things that come out of our mouth, they have to be the things that we say, uh, and they have to, you know, a lot of times those things become very subjective and specific to the players that we lead.
19:38
SPEAKER_02: And so there's another area where you have to be empathetic and you have to love and you have to have integrity and you have to have humility to form connections with the players that you need.
19:50
SPEAKER_01: Love it.
19:50
SPEAKER_01: All right, so let's drop the workbook here for the folks that are coming call.
19:54
SPEAKER_01: Um, and if someone has a question, if you want to drop it in the chat or raise your virtual hand.
19:58
SPEAKER_01: So Tom Bent's already chiming in.
20:01
SPEAKER_01: If you want to answer that, Carrie, and I'll such a great question, Tom.
20:05
SPEAKER_02: Such a great question.
20:06
SPEAKER_01: So for those in the replay, he's asking how do you value everyone you come in contact with?
20:10
SPEAKER_02: It's so great.
20:11
SPEAKER_02: So several different ways, Tom.
20:13
SPEAKER_02: Uh, one way we have a big sis, little sis program on our team.
20:17
SPEAKER_02: And I know, you know, I coach girls, and so the way you go about this with with boys might look a little bit different, but it's a mentor program, basically.
20:25
SPEAKER_02: It's a way to have mentors.
20:27
SPEAKER_02: We also have a leadership um council, and I bring freshmen into that.
20:33
SPEAKER_02: And so I really want to exemplify for every player on the team that their voice matters, regardless of whether they're a ninth, tenth, eleventh, or senior.
20:43
SPEAKER_02: Now, to answer your question more directly about keeping them connected and valued, we have team meetings every single week for the entirety of the time that I have them, from the time we start in July until the season is over in May.
21:00
SPEAKER_02: We have a meeting every week, and we make sure that we are addressing um how every girl is seen, heard, and valued and cared for.
21:13
SPEAKER_02: And I do that through some hard questioning and some uh basically a mini workshop with the team.
21:20
SPEAKER_02: And here's here's what we do, Tom, to to answer your question more specifically.
21:24
SPEAKER_02: I know I just gave you some generalities there, but we have the girls share, and sometimes it's anonymous, what they're going through and what their journey has been.
21:35
SPEAKER_02: And sometimes a lot of these girls, and and they're not the prolific goal scorer, are sharing that or this year specifically, that their parents are having issues at home.
21:47
SPEAKER_02: Um, we've had a couple share that they've had family that has been deported recently.
21:54
SPEAKER_02: And so these girls share all of these things that they're going through.
22:00
SPEAKER_02: And so they can all see that no one is exempt.
22:07
SPEAKER_02: No one is exempt from hard things in life.
22:10
SPEAKER_02: And that creates connection.
22:11
SPEAKER_02: Because they're opening up to share these things with each other.
22:15
SPEAKER_02: And many times it's not anonymous.
22:17
SPEAKER_02: And we ask them to share the hard parts of their life.
22:21
SPEAKER_02: And once they start to do this, then connection forms organically and trust forms organically.
22:27
SPEAKER_02: And because they're being heard, and other girls go through some of the similar things, and we even get down to the root emotions of these things.
22:38
SPEAKER_02: Now they can form even more concrete connections with each other.
22:46
SPEAKER_02: And there's your value.
22:48
SPEAKER_02: They feel valued now, and they have someone that can share that emotion with them.
22:53
SPEAKER_02: And maybe even the same situation, maybe the same context, right?
22:56
SPEAKER_02: And so we do, Tom, we do that on a weekly basis, even in season.
23:00
SPEAKER_02: And so that way it's not just okay, the season's here.
23:03
SPEAKER_02: It's time to win games.
23:04
SPEAKER_02: It's we stay connected and talk about value all year long.
23:10
SPEAKER_02: Tom, does that answer your question?
23:12
SPEAKER_00: Yes, that did that.
23:13
SPEAKER_00: I'm former athletic director and I work with coaches in ADs now and some student athletes.
23:18
SPEAKER_00: And what you said is great.
23:19
SPEAKER_00: And finding a way to value those kids who don't aren't the stars is a tough one.
23:22
SPEAKER_00: So yeah, thank you for sharing that.
23:24
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, absolutely.
23:25
SPEAKER_02: I mean, we even do uh some weekly awards uh for that are team-wide where the players get to vote on them and they recognize things like hard work and development.
23:38
SPEAKER_02: That way we're showing that, hey, it's not just right, the goal score that's important, but we're going to recognize who was a great student this week, who worked really hard this week, who just got better this week, who developed as a player.
23:51
SPEAKER_02: And and many times what happens is the players that aren't the prolific goal scorers or you know, the phenomenal athlete, those are the ones that we're recognizing.
24:01
SPEAKER_02: And, you know, Cam, you're this is you know, you know, stranger to this.
24:04
SPEAKER_02: When you do that, it doesn't just become part of your narrative, right?
24:08
SPEAKER_02: It becomes part of your framework.
24:10
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
24:10
SPEAKER_01: In that workbook, not only do you walk folks through your framework, but you talk about losing your wife and going through some real challenges in your personal life.
24:19
SPEAKER_01: But how did you get to a spot where that was you were able to do that with somewhat ease, it sounds like?
24:26
SPEAKER_02: You know, I I always tried to.
24:28
SPEAKER_02: I had great I had a great college rugby coach and a great high school coach, and they always connected sport to life for me.
24:38
SPEAKER_02: They always made sure that was part of their message in my experience.
24:43
SPEAKER_02: And I tried to do the same when I was a young coach.
24:46
SPEAKER_02: And when tragedy did strike, and I did lose my wife, this was in 2009, uh, I had to look back on those things and ask myself, do I really believe that?
25:00
SPEAKER_02: And if I do, then it's time for me to put up or shut up.
25:04
SPEAKER_02: I gotta bring it or sing it, you know?
25:07
SPEAKER_02: And I got a phone call about two o'clock in the morning from a former player, and his girlfriend had been killed in a car accident, and this was uh maybe a month or so prior, and he wanted to take his own life.
25:28
SPEAKER_02: And I can't talk him through that off of that ledge if what happened to me hadn't happened to me.
25:37
SPEAKER_02: And so that's when I realized my pain is an assignment that I was given so that I can use it to help the players that I interact with.
25:52
SPEAKER_01: Wow, that's really powerful.
25:53
SPEAKER_01: So you've definitely turned your pain into a purpose for sure.
25:57
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely, absolutely.
25:58
SPEAKER_02: And I think you know, is if we really embody servant leadership, then we have to take those things and use them in a toolbox, if you will, for the players that we interact with to form connections and to really lead, to truly impact, we have to use those things that that have happened to us.
26:18
SPEAKER_02: And it it's very uncomfortable at first, admittedly, but when you see the way they look at you, like coach is teaching me about something bigger than this game, and they understand that, then you know why you had to go through those things.
26:39
SPEAKER_01: And so, Carrie, I know you've been at you're in the role with coaching soccer for about six years, and you took over a really tough situation, and then you've now turned it around the last few years.
26:49
SPEAKER_01: You guys have had a ton of success.
26:51
SPEAKER_01: If a coach is going through a tough time or they've taken over a situation that's challenging, what do you um advise maybe as kind of a first couple steps to take to start to get on the path of a better situation?
27:05
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you know what?
27:06
SPEAKER_02: That's gonna be tough.
27:07
SPEAKER_02: So the the first thing is you gotta be a little bit thick-skinned, you got to hold fast and stay true.
27:12
SPEAKER_02: You know, whatever you say you're gonna do and whatever your vision is, every step has to be aligned with that.
27:17
SPEAKER_02: You can't deviate from it.
27:19
SPEAKER_02: You can't deviate from it.
27:20
SPEAKER_02: When I took over the program I'm in now, they had made the playoffs one time in about five years.
27:26
SPEAKER_02: The school was really young, uh, a very bad situation.
27:30
SPEAKER_02: Uh the previous coach was he had been dismissed, and I came in in the middle of a year, and the season was a month away.
27:37
SPEAKER_02: I had a month to get, I had 32 girls on the team.
27:42
SPEAKER_02: And after I laid out my vision and what it was going to take from them, and I promised them what I was going to do for them, 14 walked away.
27:51
SPEAKER_02: They thought that's too much hard work for me.
27:54
SPEAKER_02: And the eight, but the 18 that stayed, now this was the the year COVID happened.
27:58
SPEAKER_02: Uh, we went 5-0 until COVID shut down the entire country or world, really.
28:03
SPEAKER_02: But then the very next year, the very next year, we went to the state championship game.
28:10
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
28:11
SPEAKER_02: And I've hold fast and stay true.
28:14
SPEAKER_02: If you have a vision and it's aligned with who you are and your values, you don't deviate from it for anybody.
28:20
SPEAKER_01: And from your observation and working with other coaches, what do you see most being tolerated at times that is quietly eroding culture?
28:30
SPEAKER_02: Uh ego.
28:32
SPEAKER_02: Ego from the top down.
28:33
SPEAKER_02: That's you know, coaches and and players as well.
28:37
SPEAKER_02: We have to treat our most prolific athlete the exact same as we treat the one that's never going to come off the bench.
28:46
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it can't be any different.
28:50
SPEAKER_02: Whether it's holding them accountable to the standard of the of the day, the session, the program, it doesn't matter.
28:57
SPEAKER_02: You've got to treat them the same.
28:58
SPEAKER_02: You know, and I've heard this term, all coaches play favorites.
29:02
SPEAKER_02: Sure we do.
29:02
SPEAKER_02: Sure we do.
29:03
SPEAKER_02: The ones that that work the hardest and that are never absent, you know, those are gonna be our favorites.
29:08
SPEAKER_02: Well, the the fact of that is they're just always there, you know.
29:12
SPEAKER_02: So it's it's easy to to like them.
29:15
SPEAKER_02: But we had in the way that we treat them as a person, that's what I'm talking about.
29:19
SPEAKER_02: The way we treat them as a person, it can't be any different.
29:22
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
29:22
SPEAKER_02: So, you know, the way I way I try to do that is I I have two other coaches on my staff, so we have 60 players, three coaches, including myself, and I give my assistant coaches, the varsity team, twice as much as I coach them.
29:42
SPEAKER_02: And I'll go coach the junior varsity and ninth graders.
29:47
SPEAKER_02: And that way they see hey, I matter to coach.
29:54
SPEAKER_02: Not just how the varsity does and how many wins we have and how the season ends up.
30:00
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
30:01
SPEAKER_02: So again, am I living it out?
30:04
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
30:06
SPEAKER_01: Goes back to those key questions that you're asking yourself relating to.
30:12
SPEAKER_01: If a coach wants to work with you or learn more from you, how can they interact with Carrie Castillo?
30:18
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I'm easy to find.
30:20
SPEAKER_02: I'm on well, if there's a social media channel, I'm on just about everyone except for Snapchat.
30:24
SPEAKER_02: I try and avoid that, like the plague.
30:26
SPEAKER_02: Uh and I'm on my you can go to the playbeautiful.squarespace.com.
30:31
SPEAKER_02: That's my website.
30:33
SPEAKER_02: Um, gonna do a little work on it to clean it up right now, but uh, there are lots of products you can find there.
30:39
SPEAKER_02: And then um yeah, I'm on social media, TikTok, and uh LinkedIn as well.
30:45
SPEAKER_02: So pretty easy to find.
30:47
SPEAKER_02: Just play beautiful.
30:48
SPEAKER_02: If you if you search play beautiful on any of those, you'll find me.
30:51
SPEAKER_01: So very cool.
30:52
SPEAKER_01: So in the post, we'll we'll add the workbook.
30:54
SPEAKER_01: So that's there for everyone to check out.
30:56
SPEAKER_01: He's also inside of our community, so he's just like one of us.
31:00
SPEAKER_01: So you can reach out to him directly on that platform as well.
31:04
SPEAKER_01: But Carrie, as we wrap up here, if coaches maybe just have to take one hard question or reflection um from today to try to implement, like right away, like tonight or something to try out.
31:17
SPEAKER_01: What maybe should it be?
31:18
SPEAKER_01: What's the question they should be asking themselves tonight?
31:22
SPEAKER_02: Who am I?
31:24
SPEAKER_01: Who am I?
31:25
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, who am I?
31:26
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I walked into a company I was working with about their workplace culture, and I looked at both of the the people in charge and I said, Who are you?
31:35
SPEAKER_02: And then, uh you mean like what do I do here?
31:40
SPEAKER_02: No.
31:42
SPEAKER_02: Who are you, really?
31:44
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, like what are you made of?
31:47
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes the uh the most simple questions are the uh the hardest ones to answer.
31:52
SPEAKER_02: That's right, that's right.
31:53
SPEAKER_02: And if we, you know, when you when you say those things out loud, and then like I said, you know, look to live them out, then culture starts to take care of itself.
32:03
SPEAKER_01: There you go.
32:04
SPEAKER_01: Great message to leave on.
32:06
SPEAKER_01: Carrie, thank you so much for your time.
32:08
SPEAKER_01: Look forward to catching up more.
32:09
SPEAKER_01: Tyler says great stuff.
32:11
SPEAKER_01: Appreciate your time, coach.
32:12
SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
32:13
SPEAKER_01: Thank you, everybody.
32:13
SPEAKER_01: Tyler says thanks, Carrie.
32:15
SPEAKER_01: So, yeah, thank you, Carrie.
32:16
SPEAKER_01: Thank you for being a supporter from day one of my journey as well.
32:19
SPEAKER_01: So I appreciate it.
32:20
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
32:20
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you're very welcome.
32:24
SPEAKER_01: Hey, it's Matt.
32:25
SPEAKER_01: Thanks so much for listening.
32:26
SPEAKER_01: This conversation was originally recorded inside of Momentum Sessions, a free community for coaches who want to build stronger culture, better leaders, and more connected teams.
32:37
SPEAKER_01: Inside, you can join future conversations live, ask questions directly to our guests, watch the full video replays, and connect with other coaches who are taking this work seriously.
32:50
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32:56
SPEAKER_01: That's Momentum Teams.com slash section.
33:01
SPEAKER_01: We'll see you inside.