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My Top 16 Men's Group/Work Moments · Evolutionary Men

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All right, and welcome back.
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So, in this episode, I'm going to get a little bit personal, and I'm going to talk about some of the top experiences I've had in my life.
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Thanks to men's group, men's work, men's retreats, and men's community.
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So these are all pulled from different areas of my life, but they all happened in one of those contexts.
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And these aren't a ranking.
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This is just what I came up with.
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And kind of stream of thought, what flowed through me
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So, what I want to start with is what I call the pylon.
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So, one of my big journeys in life has been getting into my body.
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As a pretty numb, pretty dissociated guy.
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It took a lot and has taken a lot for me to just get connected to my body in the moment
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And that's taken a lot of somatic work.
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But one moment I will always remember is I was with my LA group and we were kind of doing this day-long retreat
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And I really got clear about what I wanted.
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And what I wanted was pressure on my body.
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My group was probably eight, maybe nine guys at the time.
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And so what I asked for was them to just pile on top of me.
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All these bodies suddenly just stacked up on top of me, and it was blissful.
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The pressure
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Which was this interesting combination of weight and the sense of men who give a shit about me really helped me locate my body and get into it and open up.
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And it was one of the most blissful experiences I've actually ever had just from all that force on top of me.
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Next one.
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I've talked about this one on a few episodes of various shows, but it's The Little Boy on the River.
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And so this was in twenty twenty one.
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COVID was about a year old and had just had my first child about, I don't know, 14 months earlier.
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Found out she was deaf.
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It was this incredibly hard journey.
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And my shadow work men's group that I meet with a couple times a year, where we all live in different places.
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Two of the guys very graciously agreed to host us on a river trip.
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So we went river rafting.
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And this was really my first experience since COVID hit of
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leaving the house and getting out into the world socially.
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Because even beyond COVID, I just had a baby and all of my energy had been there in the intensity of bringing her into the world and making sure she got what she needed.
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So anyway, we're out on this rafting trip, and these are real, real rapids.
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Beautiful, beautiful river in Oregon.
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And something starts to happen as the weekend progresses.
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And I've known these guys for, you know, three or four years at this point.
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They've seen me do incredibly deep work, and I trust them with my life, quite literally.
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But as the weekend is going on, as the journey down the river is going on, I notice I start avoiding certain situations
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And what I notice in myself is I'm avoiding any situation where someone might ask me to do something and I don't know how to do it.
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Even if it's something really basic, like grab this thing, tie this knot, cook this thing.
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These are certain skills I hadn't developed in myself.
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And I could feel and connected to: okay, what's going on there?
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Why is this happening?
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And what am I doing?
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And as I was getting into that avoidant spaces, I felt really young, felt really young in my body, and I started to catch it.
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So I didn't want someone to ask me what to do because I thought they would
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Think I was lame or weird or dumb or less of a man because I didn't know how to do some very basic things.
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So, what it was bringing up for me was a certain type of shame.
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Of never having been guided as a young boy, never having masculine figures really show me the way, I was always in a panic trying to figure things out and never asking for help and in a lot of fear.
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So, what happened though?
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I caught this and we're sitting in a circle and I named it.
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Hey, this thing is happening in me where I notice I'm avoiding certain situations because I don't want you guys to ask me to do it because I don't know how to do it and I'm fucking embarrassed.
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And I feel like I'm 12 years old.
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And what I'm asking you guys for is permission on this trip
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To ask really dumb questions or not know what the fuck I'm doing with anything.
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And of course, they fucking loved that.
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They totally agreed.
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And I ended up learning all kinds of cool stuff because then it became this fun
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thing where I was actually energized by it and not stuck in fear by it.
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And I had played that scenario out so many times previously in my life.
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Next one, this marked the transition for my first deep men's group.
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Part of sitting within circle with them was, hey, I want to give some purpose work a go, and I moved out to LA to pursue filmmaking.
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Now, in my going away party, there was a night at this community center, and we got to a place where we were in the meditation hall, and one of the men who I love dearly had brought me some honeymead
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Some alcoholic mead.
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And we sat in a circle, and we just kind of co-created this incredible experience of passing around the bottle.
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Yes, each getting drunker.
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Celebrating, and then every now and then one of us would call and sit.
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And we would drop into complete stillness and silence.
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And then it would break, and we'd pass the bottle around, and we'd drink, and we'd get rowdy, and we'd make jokes.
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And it was this kind of energetic game of both diving into
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The sacred and the profane.
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It was one of the most incredible, memorable, fun parties I've ever been to.
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The Shasta Plunge.
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This is a group that I still meet with online.
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We were on retreat in Mount Shasta in California, and this is a basic one many men have done.
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But man, we got our asses up early one morning over to the river in mid April when all of that glacial snow was melting and we just got in the water
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I think maybe we lasted three, four minutes, but it was the coldest water because it's moving and because it's melted snow from like right there I've ever been in in my whole body.
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Went to pins and needles.
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And it was an incredible being in that circle with those men, diving into the water and going through that challenge together.
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which, frankly, made the rest of the day in that retreat's activities feel easy.
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But the experience of being in a beautiful, natural locale, challenging ourselves
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Going into nature and bonding through that is something that has stayed with me till today, and why those groups, that group, those men are amongst the most precious in my lives.
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Three Rivers Vines My first psilocybin journey
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Was with my LA men's group, and I was so desperate to have some kind of psychedelic experience after having many that went nowhere
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And in this experience, we're out in Central California, a beautiful piece of property next to a river.
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One of our guys in the group had arranged for us, and we're dosing
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Pretty heroic dose.
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I'm in the medicine and it fully hit.
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And all the guys are on their journey.
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And there was one moment where I'm just laying on my back.
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Under this trellis, there's grapevines coming down, and I just reach up and I grab them.
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And it was the connection to the feminine I never even knew I needed.
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And what I mean by that is, I could literally feel the tendrils opening my heart.
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And it was the first time in my life I felt allowed to take, to really take.
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And felt that oneness experience that so many people have spoken about on psychedelics.
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And that was possible because of the safety and trust I had cultivated in that men's group
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And this was an endeavor we went on after having sat in a circle many times together.
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And then my favorite part beyond that peak experience moment was as the medicine started to cycle down, we circled up.
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And we actually sat in circle with each other for two hours doing incredibly deep work, like nervous system, most tender stuff you could imagine for each man.
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Pretty tripping balls at the same time, but such a deep container of love that it I mean, it almost tears me up to this day.
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Post-breakup.
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So my first relationship, I'd been in it for almost five years
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I'd started and co-co-founded really my LA men's group about a year before it ended.
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And
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It didn't work.
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I wanted out.
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I realized it wasn't aligned for both of us.
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I was hurting my partner.
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I was hurting myself.
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And eventually, I did it.
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I broke up with her in a pretty rapid succession.
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And it was one of the hardest things I've ever done because I really cared about this person.
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And it really hurt her.
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And it was really hard for me because there was a lot of love there.
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But it just wasn't the right fit.
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The moment I want to share about is This happened late on a Sunday night.
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I had men's group on Monday night.
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And I'll never forget the experience.
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I walk in my buddy's therapist's office, go through the entryway.
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The men are already in the room.
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I was a little late.
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And just walking through the door and feeling their energy
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I just burst into tears.
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I just completely collapsed into grief and into pain.
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And they immediately circled up around me.
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And held space for me and cared for me and listened to me.
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And in a lot of ways, I've realized one of the reasons I started that group was I knew this moment was coming.
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And I knew how bad it was probably going to be if I didn't have men around me.
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Desert Solitude
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This was a men's work retreat.
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I'm from the Midwest.
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Never thought twice about the desert.
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It's never a place I was drawn to.
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did a deep, potent retreat that many men have done at this point out in the desert, and I fell in love
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We had to go out one night in the pitch black, hike out apart from everyone else, and just sit.
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In the stillness, in the dark, under the stars.
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And it profoundly shifted my relationship to the desert that night.
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where I fell in love with the appreciation for this really stark landscape where the life that's there has to be incredibly intentional.
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And there is a lot of life there, but it doesn't beat you over the head.
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I had to learn to get present
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To open my senses and connect to it.
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And now the desert is one of my favorite places in the world that I love, love, love going to.
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Sharing Share.
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So like I said, one of my groups got my ass to move out to LA to pursue a career in filmmaking, and after a few hard knocks of years, I made a short film.
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Kick-started it, raised the money, made the thing, worked my ass off editing it, and it was time.
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To share my movie called Share.
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And my group wanted to see it.
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And so I brought it to one of my Monday Night Men's group
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And at the end of group, I set up my laptop and I hit play.
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And I cannot tell you how terrified my nervous system was.
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I was literally shaking.
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I was so fucking scared of revealing this deep intimate thing I had worked on that I had all kinds of judgments about to other people.
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And what was significant about it, and what's really part of the theme of the movie, lo and behold, is that was a night I felt deeply seen
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I revealed something I'd worked really hard on with some of my most trusted men in my life.
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And they were the first people that saw it.
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They saw the very first rough cut with all of its flaws and imperfections, and they celebrated the fuck out of me.
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For it.
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And that changed the trajectory with which I was able to bring it forward into the world.
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The snowball fight.
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Man, this was a great one.
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Moved back from LA to Colorado, and lo and behold, you know, I got a little soft in my LA days
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Wasn't so sure about the snow, but my LA men's group I said, Hey, I want to do one last weekend with you guys on retreat.
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And we went up to a little mountain town in the middle of April in SoCal, and lo and behold
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Our second day there, it fucking starts dumping snow in April.
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And many of these guys are from LA.
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And we went outside and we had a snowball fight.
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That simple.
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We played in the snow.
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We threw snowballs at each other.
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We threw snowballs on the roof for about thirty, forty minutes.
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And for me, it landed in my nervous system as, oh my God, this is a sign.
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It's okay where I'm going.
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Snow is back in my life.
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And it was like to bridge the gap
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But it was just play and fun.
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Something that, without men's group, men's community, men's circle, men's retreats, I can tell you, I would have almost none of in my life.
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It is one of the great gifts I've cultivated in the tribes of men I've been with to have these opportunities to play just having a snowball fight.
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Okay, I got some notes here, but the honorable move.
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So, this is a big one, and it's actually related to that one.
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I was pretty stuck on staying in LA.
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going with the film making thing, and I'm a stubborn bastard sometimes.
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But eventually it became clear what was going to be best for my family, for me, was to go somewhere where we could really sink in and create some stability for my children.
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And opportunities came up and things started moving, and we closed down a house way faster than I ever realized
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And sitting in a circle with my men right after the closing, it became really apparent to me something was going to happen.
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If I didn't set a boundary and ask for what I needed in this move, I was going to move and be resentful.
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I was going to be resentful of the whole experience, and I could feel what a poison that would be to my wife, to my kids, etc.
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And sitting in a circle with men, dealing with my grief of the career that didn't turn out the way I wanted, the town I loved, my fear of just
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Going back, in a sense, all of the complexity of this, they helped get me in my body
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Get me attached to what I need, and help me get really clear about what I need to be able to move forward in this move in a way there's no resentment
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It's totally clean.
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I can be a fucking yes to the whole thing.
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And they helped me dial it in, which was even though we closed down the house, I needed three months.
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I needed three more months for my kid to finish preschool and for me to wrap up my life in LA and say goodbye to the people and things I loved.
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So, I could really be ready as opposed to just rushing out the door in the next couple of weeks.
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And that had major ramifications for us financially.
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Being in the group, sitting in the circle, helping me find this truth.
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I went home that night, literally.
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Drove home to my house and had a conversation with my wife about this is what I need and here's my plan.
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What do you think
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And she was a little shocked, she was concerned about the finances, but the clearness with which I brought it
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made her a yes, and it ended up being the best thing for my whole family, her included.
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And that never would have happened if I hadn't had a circle of men who really held me
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To stay true to myself.
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Meeting at the hospital.
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So, one of my men in one of my groups, a dear, dear brother.
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Had a medical emergency in his family, part of his family had to be in the hospital, and it was really hard.
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Really challenging time for him.
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And I'll never forget the one Monday he had been there for days and weeks.
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What our group did is, we got our asses in the car and we drove down to the hospital and we met him in the cafeteria and we had a circle right then and there
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Just mostly putting our attention on him, but also giving him the reprieve from his life by checking in with ourselves.
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And frankly, we just showed up for him at a time where he was really scared and was holding an incredible amount of stress in his life
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And it was one of the most precious meetings that I've ever experienced of us actually going to a man in our circle in need.
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Remember the room to this day.
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Proposing a burning man.
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So, this is an interesting one, right?
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I had moved away from my first men's group.
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But these were guys I had gone deep with, that I trusted.
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I hadn't actually seen them in a few years.
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Two of them happened to go to Burning Man the first year I went.
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I brought my girlfriend at the time.
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And through a pretty tumultuous week that I've shared some stories around, just us being really real and hitting some conflict in our relationship.
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Towards the end of the week, it became very clear in a pretty potent experience I had: okay, I'm ready to marry this woman, and I'm going to ask her
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And we were sitting in a circle preparing to go out for night, and two of my most trusted men were there and witnessed me proposing on the fly to my now wife
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And one of them said you better fucking treat her well, 'cause we're going to keep our eye on you, man.
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And then one became my best man the next year.
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But what's significant about this, this story, is
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I really trusted these guys.
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And so as we moved through the week together, I got to see how they were experiencing my now wife.
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And I had a story about who she was and what I was wanting.
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But I can tell you
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I became even more confident in it by seeing the impact she was having on the men I trusted and the experience they were having on her.
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It was like getting my work checked, so to speak, but seeing that they were vibing with her in a sense, and could appreciate her and her depth.
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And me seeing the impact she was having on them is part of what gave me this lightning clarity to do something I had no intention of doing before I had gotten there.
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But it was like, wow, these are men I trust.
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I trust their experience of this woman I love.
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And so I'm going to go for it.
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And they were witness to one of the most incredible moments of my life.
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Psychedelics.
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Yeah.
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So this is just a hike with some guys I love, my shadow work group.
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And we were hiking through the woods in Northern California.
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And a lot was going on in my life.
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And it was just the simple joy of being off devices, again, with men I loved in nature.
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Going deep, taking breaks, being present with each other, and just fucking around, having fun, enjoying the radical beauty of the world.
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Fallen to my knees under the grandfather in Sedona.
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Again on a medicine journey with a different men's group that I was in for a shorter period of time.
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That had witnessed me through one of the most challenging periods in my life where I was working some really deep self-loathing and shame.
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And we're out hiking up some rocks.
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And I see a rock that I'm like, whoa, just hits me, right?
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And it looks like
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A figure, a grandfather in particular for me.
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And I realize this is an ancient rock in some sense, that there have been countless generations of human beings.
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In a sense, coming to this sacred place for its guidance, in its presence, and all that it's witnessed, and what it connected to in me
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Was I'd done a lot of work in men's work and men's retreats around father energy and the challenges I've had with my father in this relationship we have together.
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And his absence, and the things he couldn't teach me, and the many things he could.
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But what happened to me, what hit like a lightning bolt, and brought me to my knees.
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Because it not only impacted me, but it's something my wife has played out, and in my own way, my children are playing out.
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Is the lineage of grandfathers is not one I've ever experienced.
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And it's a gap in my family system of the specific energetic quality of a grandfather, which is different than a father.
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And how that wound was alive in me, and how I saw that wound and see that wound playing out in my children.
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And what was unique about that experience and feeling that was the realization of that is an energy I have been cultivating
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With the men I'm in community with through men's work, men's retreats, and most importantly, my men's groups and men's circles
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They get to be the kind of grandfather energy for my kids.
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And frankly, for me.
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And having that realization, and it just so happened, my wife and daughter were staying in a separate part of town.
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So at the end of that retreat, I got to bring them over to connect with these men.
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Close the loop on that circle in a pretty profound way.
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This is a pretty great one, which is Pearl Jam with the goat.
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So, yeah, for many years, I've been friends and had Dr.
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Glover as a mentor.
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He's been here on this show.
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been an incredible ally to me in my journey, both individually and as a men's leader, and I deeply respect and admire him.
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And many years ago, when we had first met,
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He's spent a lot of time up in Seattle.
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I talked about someday I'm going to bring you to see Pearl Jam, my favorite band up in Seattle, because they're from Seattle
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Lo and behold, couldn't get up to Seattle to see them for various reasons because I had a men's retreat.
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But on that tour, they were playing LA, and I invited him, and he came, and I got to take him out.
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With my Ten Club fan tickets, and get down on the floor and enjoy one of the best shows of my life and give back in gratitude to this man who had given so much to me.
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And while we're there, lo and behold, we bump into a man he knows who's an ultra Pearl Jam fan as well.
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And so the community aspect was just tremendous there.
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And it was a great joy to share one of my deepest passions with someone who has given so much for me, to me.
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And final one I'm going to go with here, guys.
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This is one that did not happen on men's retreat.
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Did not happen.
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It's not actually any men's work.
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And it's definitely didn't happen in men's circle
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But it happened with the guys I sat in circle with.
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And this was quite a while ago now, so this will age us somewhat.
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But the Beatles' rock band had come out
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And we fucking loved rock band.
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We loved drinking.
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We loved playing rock band.
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We loved singing.
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We loved getting into flow states with each other
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And one night we got the Beatles rock band, and there were four of us, and we played it straight through, beginning to end.
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It was probably a three, three and a half hour endeavor
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If you've never done that, man, what an experience it was on the energetic and spiritual journey of them from starting from these small clubs to these epic psychedelic
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Songs.
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And we went through it all.
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And one night, all pretty intoxicated at the time.
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It was back when I was drinking.
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And it was such an accomplishment.
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And it was so fun.
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And it is something we still talk about to this day.
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Do you remember when we played that?
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Because we all had to actually bring it, right?
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I was playing fake bass, other guys singing, other guys lead guitar, other guys drumming.
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And it was a challenge.
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We each had to show up, even though inebriated.
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But it was what we were co-creating and moving through together in creativity
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in brotherhood, in love, that still makes it one of the most fantastic special nights I've ever experienced in my life.
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And what we were able to feel with each other in that room, which let's face it, it was just love.
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That had been cultivated in the many, many hours we had sat in circle with together.
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So when I talk about men's groups, men's retreats, men's work
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The bonds we can make inside them are incredible.
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But what the real magic is, is how the depth of those bonds then extend into our connections out in life
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And impact our families, our community, and frankly, our fun.
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So, those are some of my top moments.
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There's more in there, and these are just what I came up with.
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some of which came from circle, some of which came from retreats, some of which came from just doing the work with other men.
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And why I'm sharing these is because these are the kinds of moments that can be available to you when you decide to prioritize
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Men's work and male connection in your life.
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You've heard me before.
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Get into a men's group.
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I got processes for you.
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The Heart of Shadow, Men's Work Men's Group Experience.
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And I got a Labor Day retreat coming up.
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I can tell you there are men I am still friends with to this day that I will forever be friends with.
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because of three days we spent together on retreat, and how profoundly deep we went, and the shared experiences we had there that no one else will ever know.
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It's such a precious, precious thing.
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And I got a Labor Day retreat coming up here in a couple of weeks.
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It happens once a year.
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Just head over to evolutionary.
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men slash retreat
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And come on out, meet me, let's create some experiences together, get to know some other men, join one of these programs, and start making your list of kick-ass top experiences you've had in your life.
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Because of the incredible, incredible male connections you have.
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All right, until next time.