Latest / From Sad Pick Me Girl to Alchemist / Episode 12 - The Scariest Part of Healing Is Realizing Everything You Wanted Is Starting to Happen
Transcript
- Denise: Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of From Sad Pick Me Girl to Alchemist. I want to just start this episode by saying and admitting that this is now my fifth time trying to record an episode for you guys and I want to be transparent and just say it's my fear of being seen that is crept up, not even just crept up, it's being loud and I didn't want to acknowledge it because thankfully my podcast is starting to grow and people are starting to find me. And it is both exciting and absolutely terrifying. I'm dealing with imposter syndrome. I'm dealing with old beliefs that I'm not meant for more, and I don't want those to win. So I am here showing up, trying not to overthink my words, trying not to go back to the person that I was growing up, where I was afraid to use my voice, where I was afraid to speak up in front of a room, where I always thought everyone else's opinion mattered more than mine, or that they knew more than me. And so Here I am, no script, sharing with you guys that I am struggling very much with something that was coming With relative ease. All of a sudden I'm fumbling on my words. All of a sudden I'm second guessing everything that I'm saying. And I know it's something that I am going to need to conquer to get to the next level. If you know me, if you've been following my story, you know that I have a passion for helping people. I want to help people break intergenerational trauma. I want to help people step into their best selves to really connect with themselves, to know themselves, because I think the root of our society's problem is the disconnect from ourselves. It's a disconnect from knowing who we are, and it's conforming to norms because we think that that is the way to live a happy life. But conforming to norms often puts us in a little box where we're suffocating and we just want to come out for air. We just want to be ourselves. We're performing. We're living a life that looks happy on the outside, but on the inside, we're hurting. And so what do we do? We escape. We escape with any way that we can, right? Social media, alcohol, drugs, there are so many ways to numb our minds out. And I don't want to be that person. And I don't want you to be that person because that's not a way to live. I believe our souls came here to learn something, to master something. And if we don't learn that, then we continue to come back until we do. I am determined to master my life lessons and to help anybody who is listening master theirs as well. Because if you are sitting there with a sense of lack of fulfillment, there is something that you're not doing that you came here to do, and only you have the answers. And I know this because I've gone to tons of people, tons of healers, and though they can give Me some help, some guidance, and what I need to do. Ultimately, I know the full answer is only within me, and me trusting myself, me learning that I do have the answers, me learning that my voice does matter, and me understanding that I know what the fuck I'm talking about, and I don't need to prove that to anybody. I don't need to prove that to anybody. If you resonate with me, you will trust me, you will know that I act with integrity, and you will know that I speak from the heart and from experience. And I want people who are on the fence about spirituality, as I was, to we'll say dabble. Dabble in modalities that you think may help you. And what is the worst that's going to happen, right? What is the worst that's gonna happen? You try it. Maybe you don't get what you wanted to out of it right away, but it's worth a shot. And if you're living in a space where you feel completely lost and not sure where to go next, I started with a soul contract reading. And that soul contract reading really helped me to understand why I navigated life the way that I did and understand why I wasn't feeling fulfilled in the roles that I had. Because I used to think that I just lacked the ability to feel gratitude. I used to think, you know what, no matter what you accomplish in life, you're just never gonna be grateful. I don't understand that. Why are you so ungrateful, Denise? It's not that. Now I know that I can practice gratitude while I understand that I am meant for more. I am not meant to work a conventional job for the rest of my life. Does that mean that you're not? No. And there's nothing wrong with working a conventional job. Absolutely not. But for me, it feels like it's draining. My soul. When I go there, I can perform. I could put on a face and I know how to get shit done, but my soul is screaming for more. My soul is screaming to use my energy to help people, not to use the energy that I could be using for what I'm supposed to be doing on this earth to do some of the tasks that I need to do to make this company perform. And of course I'm gonna do it because I care about the people that I work for. But I do not want to spend my whole life living for other people, living through the lens of what people view as success, while I feel completely empty and unfulfilled. I will no longer do that to myself. And if you're listening and you feel that pull too, I encourage you to explore it because you are not going to find happiness until you uncover what that is. And that is what I am here for. I see so many people so disconnected from themselves, people that I love and care about. But until you're ready, and until you really feel that sense of, I'm just sick of my own shit and I'm sick of living in this hamster wheel, then you can have the push. You are the one that needs to determine when it's time to explore. And until then, nobody is going to force you. It took me years to finally say, okay, you know what? I'm diving in and I was ready to go full throttle until this past weekend I hit a wall and that wall came in the form of fear. I'm scared that I'm gonna fail. But the only way that I'm surely going to fail is if I give up. So I'm not gonna give up. And I'm sharing this in real time now because I am in the inception of podcasting and creating a business, a soul led business where I'm able to help people with their intuitive gifts and to help them connect with themselves and to heal intergenerational trauma. So what I realized is as I was putting pen to paper, I was becoming more scared of the fact that this was real, that I was going to have to start putting myself out there, not in just a way of sharing my story, but of sharing what I want to do with that, what I'm going to do long term, what I'm going to be known for. And I know that the potential is limitless. I know that I'm going to succeed, and I know that this is part of that growth. But also when you're surrounded by lack mentality, you have to have this deep belief in yourself. And when I say we're surrounded by lack mentality, I think that many of us. We are surrounded by people who do conform because they're afraid too. And that energy is contagious. So I have started to spend more time with people who are entrepreneurs, with people who are in the wellness space, and with people who are also striving or have succeeded in their own individual endeavors. And that definitely helps because we are who we surround ourselves with. But there's still that nagging sense that I'm gonna have to work through because The way that I was raised was that you did do things step by step. You followed the norms because my family wasn't provided the opportunities that I am, so they said, get a job. And once you have that job, be grateful that you have that job and suck it up and stop complaining. But no, I don't want to. I don't want to stick it to this job. Even if people think it's amazing. That's not me. That's not for me. That doesn't mean that I'm not going to perform. But I'm tired of living a life that other people told me was what was going to bring me happiness. And the same thing goes for my marriage. I went into a marriage because I wanted to get married before I was 30. And I did that. And I had kids. And then I realized that I didn't marry the person that was a aligned for me. I rushed into it. And now I'm doing the same thing when it comes to purpose. I am Dreaming myself, ignoring the fact that I was called for more, and almost going back to those old depressive ways because to make the leap is scaring me. And I'm of thinking that nothing sets me apart from anyone else and everyone else is trying to do what I'm doing, so why would I prevail? And I just don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to do that to myself. This isn't the life that I came here to live. And s so for anybody who feels like they're called to more, please don't let yourself be discouraged. Please explore that. Please know that the limiting beliefs are not going to go away, but you can conquer them. And how do you conquer them? By their connection with yourself, by your connection with your guides, by your connection with spirit. That's where spirituality has saved me. Because when I met healers in people in the spiritual wellness space that's where I uncovered why I had this hole in my soul really. I will say a hole. I felt like I had a a void. I was missing something. And I continue to follow the nudges. I continue to podcast. I continue to share on social media. And now the next step is sharing what I have to provide. And I am a living example. I've shared with you guys before. I am the example of overcoming not just depression, but very toxic relationship patterns that were mirrored to me from I'm just gonna call it what it is, a narcissistic parent, a narcissist, a straight narcissist. And to live with a narcissist and to understand the impact that it has on your life, and to overcome that. Is something that is credible for anybody who has gone through it. If you have gone through it, you understand what I'm talking about. The the kind of love that you are mirrored, it takes so long to unlearn it, but when you do and it clicks, it's amazing. And I also know part of what I came here to do is to heal that wound, to heal my dependence on men that I had created. So I also believe that we choose our family. And I chose my father for a reason. He was supposed to show me something about myself, that I had the power within me, that I didn't need to seek it from a partner. And I want to help other people do that as well. Because I also see that in today's society where so many of us think that a person's going to complete us, and there's this sense that if you don't have a partner, then you're not fulfilling what we call a happy life. But is that true? You can desire partnership, sure, but if it's consuming your existence, that's an unhealthy place to come from. And when I think about having a partner now, it seems like a nice to have, not a necessity. I haven't gotten to the place where I wanna open my heart up to somebody else yet because I'm still recovering from the damage that the last I'm gonna call it like it is, and I've been afraid to call it like it is too. Narcissist Don't want to say had imposed on me because I stuck it through. But essentially, what the scarring from my last relationship caused, it's going to take a while for me to open up to somebody and it's going to take a special person. But right now, that doesn't matter to me because my purpose matters to me. I want people that are chasing toxic relationship patterns. To just take a look at themselves, to stop, to understand that that desperation and that obsession that you're feeling for that person is not where you're going to find happiness. You're not gonna find happiness when that person finally decides to choose you. The wounds are just gonna continue to resurface and the situations that you're struggling with are going to continue to replay until you learn that lesson. And what is the lesson? What is the lesson? I want to be that person that sits with you, I want to be the person that I wish that I had. When I was obsessing over people and thinking that my life was going to end because yet another man did not choose me. that's not life. That's not a way to live. we should not be revolving our lives around another human being. We came here for us first and foremost. And yes, that sounds selfish and there's a difference between acting completely selfish and putting yourself first. We all should be putting ourselves first because you cannot show up for anybody in your life if you are not taking care of yourself. Fill your cup, find what fuels you, don't let anybody stop you. And if people are feeding you negative narratives, protect yourself and know that that energy is not yours. And that is something that I also struggle with because I pick up on a lot of energy. I pick up on lack mentality. I pick up on scarcity mindset from everyone around me. And I think that it's mine. And what I mean by that is I'm around people who are not happy at their jobs and they tell themselves that that's the only way to do it. Or people who hoard money because they're afraid that they're going to lose it one day. So I find myself doing these things too. And I'm like, this is not mine. I believe in abundance. I believe that there's room for success for all of us. I believe in clapping for people. I don't believe that one's person's success is going to take away from my success. And I even have to combat those thoughts too, because I find myself when I see somebody doing something similar to what I am starting to do, I'm like, well, how did they succeed so quickly? How is that gonna happen to me? Dang, that sucks. And then I remember that is not the me now. The me now claps for the people that I care about. Claps for the people that are motivating me. Claps for people that are accomplishing something that I want to accomplish because they are proof that I can do it too. When somebody does something that you're aspiring to do, that is proof. It is not taken away from your ability to do it. It is proof that you are able to accomplish that if you take that fear factor away, if you don't let those limiting beliefs consume you, and if you push through anyway. So here I am pushing through anyway. And you guys, I am exhausted. I know that my subconscious is trying to keep me safe by keeping me in this life that I've always known. This predictability. This job that I know what outcomes are expected of me. What the hours that I'm expected to show up, the way that I'm able to perform. And now all of a sudden. I'm going to have to rely on me, my creativity, my brain, my past experiences to share those with people. And people are going to rely on me for providing them a service, a service that I know very well I am able to provide because I wouldn't be living in the mental health space that I am now if it wasn't for myself. And yes, I elicited the help of people, but I elicited the help of people because I knew that they were going to give me what I needed even though it wasn't what everyone else thought I should seek. It wasn't the help that everyone else was suggesting that I seek. It was those unconventional methods. It was the psychic mediums, the people that read your birth chart, the people who read soul contracts. But ultimately, all of them helped me to get to know myself more, to believe that I am part of something greater, to believe that we are all part of something greater. The collective consciousness. We're here to rise as a collective, we're here to build each other up, we're here to learn lessons, and there are people who are not going to evolve in this lifetime. What that looks like for them is going to differ. There are so many people on earth. Some people are catalysts for people like myself and Maybe even you listening to grow. They show us what happens when you stay stagnant, what happens when you fail to self-reflect. And what happens when you don't take other people's feelings and emotions into accountability? When you don't take them into account, you don't live a fulfilling life. Even if on the outside it looks like your life is perfect, inside you are always going to feel rotten because you are not acting from a place of love and light. Does it sound cheesy? Yeah, but it's true. If you're not acting with love and light, love and light is never going to be within you and you are never going to feel fulfillment. It doesn't matter what you drive, it doesn't matter where you live, it doesn't matter what you have because the material does not matter. All that matters is what's within. And I've said this before, that is why you see so many people that are famous and have all these things on the external and they feel empty inside because they are not fulfilling what they came here to do, even if it looks perfect on the outside. And I'm shedding in layers, right? The biggest catalyst to this journey was my divorce. My divorce from a marriage that on the outside looked okay. It looked manageable. I want to say okay because of course we had our fair share of issues and I know some people saw through them, but I could have chose to live there, I could have ch chose to stay in that space, that safe space, and I didn't. And I didn't know how I was going to make it financially, but I figured it out. And Then I started the jumping from toxic relationship to toxic relationship. And that's where I had to unlearn some of the patterns that I had inherited from my childhood. And intergenerational trauma too. Things that I had inherited from previous generations. I had to break that. And the way that I broke that was finding people that were mirrors to the wounds that I had not faced yet. And so once I encountered these people and I healed and released them, now there's this next step. And this next step is the biggest and scariest because it's about survival. We need finances to survive, we need finances to do the things that we want to do in life, to travel, to see the world, to buy clothes, to buy my kids their school supplies, all of that. And the nudge for my calling to help others is louder and louder. And I am going to face that fear head on. I'm gonna do it scared. And if you're listening, I am thankful that you are here in the early stages of this journey because it is just the beginning. And I want to bring you along too. Not just to see me succeed and do what I want to do, but I want the same for you. I want you to sit with yourself and I want you to figure out what you came here to do. What is it? Why is it that you feel called for more and you're afraid to take the necessary steps? anybody who came here on this earth and is acting from a place of love and light and is being authentic and is not deceiving people and wants to self-reflect and do better deserves to live the life that they came here to live. So take the necessary steps and let me be an example of what you can do. Let me be an example of How it looks facing things head on imperfectly. Non-scripted. I'm here in my living room. It's so funny my friend was like, it must take a long time to record the podcast because you know you have to have perfect lighting. Nope. Just me in my living room. With my makeup from the work day. And I made up taken a little bit of eyeliner off my under eye so it didn't look like I was crying. I was not crying. It's just it's been a day. It's been a long day. So I really want to leave you guys with the message of identifying where in your life you're unfulfilled and then at least jot down the steps that you could take to get there. If you're not ready to take action, then writing them down may help. And if you're not into writing things down, Put it in a voice note, like I always say, because I hate writing things down. I'm trying to get better at it, you guys. Journaling and writing is just not my thing. My hand cramps, I get in a bad mood. Not even gonna go down that rabbit hole. But yes, identify where it is that you feel like you can make some areas of improvement. Because I promise you, if you feel like you were meant for more, it's because you are. Thank you all so much for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, I encourage you to share it with a friend or anyone it may resonate with. I am super thankful to have you all here and to continue to grow the podcast and reach the right souls. And with that, I will see you guys next week.