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When Your Teen Says “Later,” Ask This One Question · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  ben: I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective.
• 0:06
  ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important.
• 0:17
  ben: Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:23
  ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:33
  Speaker: Hello, and welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:37
  Speaker: Thank you for being here.
• 0:38
  Speaker: In today's episode, I'm gonna help you understand why"later," the phrase"later," that if you're like parents all over the country, your teen's first response when you ask them to do something is"later." And we're going to discuss why that might trigger you so much, and why clamping down and pushing your teen harder often makes things worse, and why it's okay for you as a parent to ask your teen,"Well, what time later?" And it doesn't mean that you're weak.
• 1:12
  Speaker: It's a way to start building ownership.
• 1:15
  Speaker: So we're going to...
• 1:17
  Speaker: I'm gonna give you a real simple way, because recently I posted a video on TikTok about what to say when your teen says"later." And I think a lot of people thought it was funny because I said,"Later is where chores go to die." Because they know if their teen says"later" about doing a chore, it's probably not going to happen.
• 1:41
  Speaker: And right now, that video has around 62,000 views and a ton of comments And the basic idea is simple.
• 1:49
  Speaker: When your teen says,"I will do it later," or you ask them to unload the dishwasher, and they're just like,"Later," instead of jumping straight into a fight, you can ask,"What time later?" That's it.
• 2:04
  Speaker: Super simple, not a lecture, not a threat, not a 10-minute speech about responsibility, just what time later?
• 2:14
  Speaker: And based on the comments in that little TikTok video, this hit a nerve.
• 2:20
  Speaker: Some parents loved it, but a lot of parents pushed back hard, and they said things like,"Don't let your teen dictate the time." They said things like,"You're the parent.
• 2:32
  Speaker: You tell them when it needs to be done," or,"If you give them choices, they'll think everything is negotiable," or some variation of,"My teen doesn't get a say.
• 2:43
  Speaker: They just need to do what I said." And I get why parents feel that way because when your teen says later, it doesn't feel like a small thing.
• 2:54
  Speaker: It feels like disrespect.
• 2:57
  Speaker: It can feel like avoidance.
• 2:59
  Speaker: And if you're like a lot of parents out there, it feels like your teen is trying to win, and it probably doesn't feel like the first time.
• 3:09
  Speaker: In fact, it might feel like the 47th time.
• 3:12
  Speaker: So by the time your teen says later, you're not just reacting to that one word.
• 3:20
  Speaker: You're reacting to every time they said later and then never did it, every time you reminded them and they forgot Or every time you ended up yelling, every time you gave up and just did it yourself because that's so much easier, or every time you felt like the only responsible person in your house.
• 3:43
  Speaker: So today, I want to talk to you about why"later" is so triggering for so many parents, and why most parents accidentally turn this into a power struggle, and why asking what time later is not giving your teen all control.
• 4:02
  Speaker: It's giving your teen responsibility.
• 4:05
  Speaker: Because giving your teen a voice doesn't mean you're giving your teen the final say, and if you learn how to handle this one moment differently, it can change the whole pattern.
• 4:19
  Speaker: All right, so let's dive into why"later" feels so triggering.
• 4:26
  Speaker: And I really wanna help you understand that this happens to a lot of parents.
• 4:32
  Speaker: It's okay if this is a struggle in your life.
• 4:35
  Speaker: It makes sense.
• 4:36
  Speaker: "Later" isn't just a word.
• 4:38
  Speaker: It represents this pattern of you being ignored or dismissed by your teen, or forced to manage their chores for them And you're probably not really mad about the chore.
• 4:53
  Speaker: You're mad about this pattern.
• 4:56
  Speaker: Later feels small to your teen, but to you it feels like proof that nothing is changing, proof that they don't really care.
• 5:05
  Speaker: And by the time says later, your nervous system already knows the ending.
• 5:10
  Speaker: Later is where chores go to die.
• 5:13
  Speaker: So as a parent, you don't lose your cool because of the trash not being taken out or the dishwasher or whatever it is.
• 5:23
  Speaker: You lose your cool because you feel trapped in this same old parenting loop.
• 5:29
  Speaker: And here's an example that I hear all the time.
• 5:33
  Speaker: your teen says,"I'll take the trash out later." And what you hear is,"I'm not gonna do it," or,"I don't respect you," or,"You're going to have to remind me again." And the, the problem is this is not your teen taking responsibility.
• 5:49
  Speaker: This is your teen making it your problem.
• 5:53
  Speaker: And when we have this interpretation that, oh, they're never gonna do it, they don't care, they're just always gonna put it off, your interpretation, even though it's completely understandable, it's not always useful.
• 6:07
  Speaker: Because once you decide that the phrase or the word later means that your teen doesn't respect you, you'll usually respond from a desire to control your teen rather than leading as the parent that you want to be.
• 6:24
  Speaker: And that's where most parents get pulled into the controlling parent trap.
• 6:30
  Speaker: And there's actually two traps here that a lot of parents fall into, either the controlling parent trap or the doormat parent trap.
• 6:38
  Speaker: And the truth is, these are both bad options, and a lot of parents fall into these.
• 6:44
  Speaker: Most parents respond to later in one of two ways.
• 6:49
  Speaker: They either clamp down on their teen and they grasp for as much control as they can, or they just give in and let their teen walk all over them And both of these are bad options.
• 7:01
  Speaker: So here's what the controlling example might look like, where you really clamp down.
• 7:07
  Speaker: You might say, like after your teen says later, you might say,"No, you'll do it right now.
• 7:13
  Speaker: I am sick of this." And that can sound strong, but it often starts that same old fight that you've had a million times with your teenager.
• 7:24
  Speaker: The other option is when you just let your teen walk all over you, and so your teen says later, and then in the back of your mind you're thinking,"Well, it's not worth it." And then as the parent, you just do it yourself or you ignore it and you silently build resentment.
• 7:43
  Speaker: And the truth is, neither of these options work.
• 7:46
  Speaker: Clamping down feels powerful.
• 7:49
  Speaker: Trying to take control, it feels powerful, but it often creates more resistance, more pushback from your teen.
• 7:58
  Speaker: And giving up feels peaceful in the moment, but it teaches your teen that later means never, and that's okay.
• 8:07
  Speaker: And the problem is neither controlling your teen or letting your teen just walk all over you and get away with never, neither one of those builds any ownership with your teen.
• 8:20
  Speaker: And controlling and letting your teen walk all over you, they're both signs that there is a pattern running in your house that doesn't empower you and it doesn't empower their teen.
• 8:35
  Speaker: So oftentimes this looks like fights about chores where your teen says,"I'll do it later." And as a parent you say,"No, now." And the teen is like,"Why are you always freaking out?" And then as a parent, you're like,"Because you never do anything that I ask." And now the fight is no longer about the chore, it's about the tone, the attitude, respect, the history, who has the power.
• 9:01
  Speaker: And that is why when it comes to your teen saying later, I believe it's super important, let's give your teen a voice and just ask,"Okay.
• 9:09
  Speaker: what time later?" It's so powerful because that interrupts the old pattern where your teen says later and it turns into an argument, or your teen says later and then you just ignore it.
• 9:22
  Speaker: Now your teen says later and you've introduced a new pattern.
• 9:26
  Speaker: Well, what time later?" And now your teen has to start thinking for themselves.
• 9:32
  Speaker: So let's talk about the old belief that leads to a lot of the problems when it comes to this Your teen responding to a chore or something that you've asked them with"later." And the old belief or this old idea is that, look, if I ask my teen what time later, I'm letting my teen control me.
• 9:58
  Speaker: And that's one of the things that I heard a lot on, in the comments in my TikTok video.
• 10:03
  Speaker: Like, people are like,"Well, if I let my teen dictate what time later, I'm letting my teen control me." And that's an old belief.
• 10:12
  Speaker: That's one that leads to a lot of fighting, a lot of seeking control and power.
• 10:17
  Speaker: But there's another option, and it's this: if I ask my teen or my teen what time later, I'm making my teen come up with a plan.
• 10:29
  Speaker: I'm making my teen own the follow through.
• 10:32
  Speaker: I'm making my teen responsible for this thing.
• 10:36
  Speaker: The main point is you're not giving your teen control because y- that's not very smart.
• 10:42
  Speaker: You don't want your teen to run your household.
• 10:45
  Speaker: What you're doing is you're giving them a voice and you're expecting them to think at a higher level, to create some clarity.
• 10:55
  Speaker: Well, what does later even mean?
• 10:57
  Speaker: And that's empowering for your teen.
• 11:01
  Speaker: And if you let your teen get away with just a vague"later," that keeps the responsibility on you as the parent because you're the one that has to make sure they do it.
• 11:12
  Speaker: If you help your teen create clarity around later, like what does later mean?
• 11:19
  Speaker: Like before dinner time?
• 11:21
  Speaker: A specific later puts that responsibility back on your teenager, and you're not asking for permission because you're the parent, you're in charge.
• 11:33
  Speaker: You're asking your teen for a plan.
• 11:35
  Speaker: You're empowering them to think for themselves and come up with a plan that's better than just later.
• 11:43
  Speaker: So asking,"Well, what time later?" It's not passive, it's clear.
• 11:49
  Speaker: And the goal is not to make your teen obey faster.
• 11:53
  Speaker: In a lot of the comments on TikTok, I think the main goal for these parents is: how do I get my teen to obey faster?
• 12:00
  Speaker: How do I get them to quit saying later and do exactly what I want?
• 12:03
  Speaker: That's not the goal.
• 12:05
  Speaker: The goal is to make your teen think, to make your teen be more responsible and realize,"Oh, okay, well, if later isn't good enough, I'll do it by 7:00 tonight." And then you can help your teen come up with Consequences.
• 12:23
  Speaker: If it gets done, great.
• 12:25
  Speaker: What privileges do you earn?
• 12:27
  Speaker: If it doesn't get done, that's okay.
• 12:29
  Speaker: What are some of the consequences that you're gonna be faced with?
• 12:32
  Speaker: So, here's a quick example.
• 12:34
  Speaker: Let's say your teen says,"I'll do it later." Like you've asked them,"Hey, I'd like you to unload the dishwasher," and they're like,"I'll do it later." It's perfectly acceptable for you as a parent to say,"Okay, what time later?" To which your teen will probably respond"I don't know," And as a parent, you can hold the line.
• 12:54
  Speaker: You can say,"No, look, I need an actual time." And your teen might be like,"Fine, after dinner." And as a parent you can say,"Okay, so by 7:00?" And your teen will probably be like,"Yeah, just leave me alone." But as a parent, you can be like,"Okay, I'm gonna hold you to that." If they're being willing to communicate, I might throw in a couple more.
• 13:17
  Speaker: I might be like, awesome, 7:00.
• 13:20
  Speaker: If you get done by 7:00, what's something I could do to show you that I appreciate that you did that?
• 13:26
  Speaker: Like maybe we'll go get ice cream, maybe whatever.
• 13:28
  Speaker: Or if you don't get that done by 7:00, what do you think would be a fair consequence?" And you can just keep that conversation going.
• 13:37
  Speaker: And this doesn't mean that your teen gets unlimited time.
• 13:42
  Speaker: It doesn't mean that your teen gets to run the household.
• 13:46
  Speaker: It means that if your teen says tomorrow, you can say,"No, you know what?
• 13:50
  Speaker: That doesn't work for me.
• 13:52
  Speaker: It needs to be done before dinner.
• 13:54
  Speaker: What time before dinner do you think you can make that work?" Or if it is tomorrow and that actually works, you can be like,"Sure, like I need it done before lunchtime tomorrow.
• 14:03
  Speaker: What time are you planning on doing it?" You're just empowering your teen.
• 14:08
  Speaker: There's a line that as a parent, you get to hold the line But your teen also gets a voice.
• 14:14
  Speaker: You still hold the boundary, but they get a say in how it's held, what the expectation is.
• 14:22
  Speaker: And this is very different than just coming in and demanding control.
• 14:27
  Speaker: Giving your teen a voice empowers them.
• 14:31
  Speaker: You're not just giving your teen all control.
• 14:34
  Speaker: So let's just...
• 14:36
  Speaker: My favorite comments, like the ones where the parents are like,"No, my teen, like they just..." It, it's kinda like the idea, I remember people saying,"Well, yeah, when my boss says jump, I just say how high and when can I come down?" Like That's not the parenting that we wanna get into, where your teen has zero voice.
• 14:54
  Speaker: We wanna teach that, no, giving your teen a voice, that doesn't mean you're in control of the household, but it means that you get to be heard, you get to be seen.
• 15:05
  Speaker: Control means that your teen gets to walk all over you and do exactly what they want.
• 15:11
  Speaker: Giving your teen a voice means no, they get a say in things, but you're still a parent, and giving your teen a voice is not the same as giving them control.
• 15:21
  Speaker: Giving your teen a voice means they can share what they think.
• 15:26
  Speaker: They can suggest a plan.
• 15:28
  Speaker: They can ask questions.
• 15:30
  Speaker: The important thing is they get to help solve the problem.
• 15:33
  Speaker: They can practice ownership and being responsible.
• 15:37
  Speaker: Control means your teen gets to ignore the expectation.
• 15:42
  Speaker: They get to say later and just avoid following through and just completely forget about it, and they get to decide, No, there's no consequence here.
• 15:52
  Speaker: I run the home." And the truth is, nobody wants that.
• 15:56
  Speaker: Your teen doesn't even want that.
• 15:57
  Speaker: So give your teen a voice, because giving them a voice says, Look, I wanna hear you.
• 16:03
  Speaker: I wanna work with you." Control says,"No, I'm in charge.
• 16:06
  Speaker: I get to decide everything, and what you think doesn't matter." And your teen having input, it doesn't mean your teen has authority over the home.
• 16:16
  Speaker: It means that you can listen and still say no.
• 16:20
  Speaker: You can negotiate and still show up and lead as the parent.
• 16:26
  Speaker: You can be kind without being weak, and here's an example.
• 16:32
  Speaker: One of my favorite examples.
• 16:33
  Speaker: I do this all the time with my teenager.
• 16:36
  Speaker: When he wants to go out, I might just ask, what time do you think is fair for a curfew tonight?" And he might be like,"1:00 AM." And I can just say,"You know what?
• 16:46
  Speaker: That doesn't work for me.
• 16:48
  Speaker: I'm thinking like 11:00, 11:30 at the latest." And we're just having a conversation And sometimes like another example might be like you want your clean, your room...
• 16:59
  Speaker: Oh my goodness, I can't talk.
• 17:02
  Speaker: You want your teen to clean their room and they might be like,"No, I'll do it this weekend." And it's okay for you to say,"No, this weekend is too vague.
• 17:10
  Speaker: I wanna get specific here.
• 17:13
  Speaker: It needs to be done before Saturday at noon.
• 17:16
  Speaker: What's your plan?" That's not giving your teen control.
• 17:20
  Speaker: That's you showing up with leadership and helping your teen step into the owner role of the thing that you've asked them to do.
• 17:30
  Speaker: And this matters more long term than the short term that most parents are looking at as"How do I get my teen to do what I said when I said it?" Long term, this is moving from like chore management, where you're the manager and you're having to oversee your teen, to future adult development.
• 17:53
  Speaker: These are skills that I want my teens to have as adults, and you probably want your teen to have these skills as an adult as well.
• 18:02
  Speaker: And you're not just, you're not just trying to get a chore done.
• 18:05
  Speaker: You're teaching your teen how to communicate, how to make a plan, how to negotiate, so they come up with something that works for them and works for you as the parent, and how to follow through.
• 18:18
  Speaker: And that's way more powerful than just immediately getting your teen to obey.
• 18:25
  Speaker: The goal isn't to just raise a kid who can obey while you're standing over them and watching them and forcing them.
• 18:31
  Speaker: You're working on raising a future adult who is gonna need to make decisions when you're not there to babysit.
• 18:39
  Speaker: And if your teen never gets a chance at having a voice, don't be surprised when they use their voice poorly, and it sounds like yelling and arguing.
• 18:50
  Speaker: And just one more thing, like silence is not the same as respect.
• 18:55
  Speaker: If your teen isn't willing to talk to you and they just silently take whatever you give them, that doesn't mean they respect you.
• 19:02
  Speaker: Giving them a voice is way more empowering in helping your teen show you respect in their ability to communicate with you.
• 19:13
  Speaker: And you can apply this skill to almost anything, like chores, homework, curfew, screen time, bedtime, jobs, whatever it is.
• 19:24
  Speaker: And this is why I wanna help you stop hearing"later" as if there's something wrong with your teen, or that they're the enemy, or that they're lazy.
• 19:35
  Speaker: So I wanna help you be able to hear your teen say later and realize that they're not just being lazy.
• 19:41
  Speaker: Later, when your teen is like,"I'll do it later," that can actually be an opportunity for you to handle this situation differently in a way that gives your teen ownership.
• 19:55
  Speaker: So I want to invite you to do something.
• 19:58
  Speaker: This is going to change how you parent.
• 20:00
  Speaker: This is going to change how your teen shows up in your relationship with them.
• 20:06
  Speaker: The next time you ask your teen to do something and they say later, don't take the bait.
• 20:13
  Speaker: Don't fall into your old pattern of lecturing or threatening or just ignoring it.
• 20:21
  Speaker: And definitely don't bring up the past 10 times that they said later and didn't do anything.
• 20:25
  Speaker: Instead, simply ask,"What time later?" Then get a clear answer, and if the answer works, hold your teen to that expectation.
• 20:36
  Speaker: If their answer doesn't work, no problem.
• 20:39
  Speaker: Just negotiate the boundary, and it might sound like this: that time doesn't work for me.
• 20:45
  Speaker: It needs to be done before dinner.
• 20:47
  Speaker: What time before dinner works for you?" That one question can shift this whole pattern, the pattern that used to lead to regular arguments and fights, and just by you showing up differently.
• 21:02
  Speaker: And rather than just going into the old pattern of either controlling your teen or just letting them walk all over you, you're going to shift into a new pattern where you empower your teen to take responsibility And if this is the kind of thing that you struggle with, chores, screens, bedtime, curfew, homework, attitude, and the same fights keep happening over and over, I want to invite you to my$7 workshop,"Boundaries That Don't Suck." Inside that workshop, I teach you how to build one better boundary with your teenager without nagging, yelling, giving in, or turning every expectation into a power struggle.
• 21:53
  Speaker: Because most parents don't need another lecture about being consistent.
• 21:59
  Speaker: They need a simple way to create an agreement before everything blows up.
• 22:05
  Speaker: And the same is true for teens.
• 22:07
  Speaker: Most teens don't need another argument or another lecture.
• 22:11
  Speaker: They need a simple way where they can be heard and they can participate in building the boundary.
• 22:18
  Speaker: That's why I teach this workshop,"Boundaries That Don't Suck," and that's exactly what I teach inside that workshop.
• 22:28
  Speaker: I use this framework.
• 22:30
  Speaker: It's called the SAME Team Method.
• 22:33
  Speaker: The T stands for tune in, the E stands for explore together, the A stands for agree ahead of time, and the M stands for maintain the boundary.
• 22:47
  Speaker: And this simple framework will completely change how you handle rules, chores, boundaries, whatever it is at your home, so that you can do it without fighting and without arguing.
• 23:00
  Speaker: And you can grab that workshop for only$7 at benpughcoaching.com/boundaries, benpughcoaching.com/boundaries.
• 23:09
  Speaker: And this week, just practice one line, What time later?" Not as a trick, not as a way to give up control, but a- as a way to help your teen start taking responsibility.
• 23:23
  Speaker: Because your teen doesn't need you to chase them all summer long to make sure that they did what you asked them to.
• 23:31
  Speaker: They need you to lead clearly.
• 23:34
  Speaker: And don't forget to show up next week because I'm going to give you some simple phrases, some simple ways that you can empower your teen and help give them a voice.
• 23:48
  Speaker: I'll see you next time